"She taught me that life goes on, and that I had a choice.

To lament what I no longer had or be grateful for what remained."

- Louise Penny, A Rule Against Murder

Daryl's POV

I pushed the trunk open after we were made to hide in a random car's trunk because a huge herd was following us last night.

Once we were out, we looked inside the car for anything we could use, including broken glass, the rear-view mirrors, and anything that could be tied so whenever a walker passed by it would make noise to alert us.

When I was sure we had grabbed everything useful from there, I put the plastic bag over my shoulder and started to walk down the road. Beth only silently followed me, like she had done for the last couple of days.

Some miles away I decided to get back into the woods, we had more cover there, from both, walkers and other people. We didn't want to bump into the wrong kind of people.

As we walked further I finally saw a squirrel, I shot an arrow at it but unfortunately I missed, thing that doesn't happen often. Upset with myself, I went to grab my arrow from the tree, when I did I noticed it was broken, great, just what we needed.

I kept the spike of the arrow and threw the rest before I walked back to our 'camp'. Beth was making a fire, using the mirror to light the wood and then she tied a rope with the things from the car around the place.

I spotted a snake not far from there, so I slowly followed it, it was a rattlesnake, so it was poisonous. I needed to be careful. With the help of a stick, I stopped it from moving its head and quickly stabbed it. I skinned the animal and with the help of the fire Beth made, I cooked it, otherwise I would have eaten it raw, I was starving.

Beth hesitantly ate the piece I gave her, like if she wasn't too keen about eating a snake but I couldn't care less, I had eaten worse things.

"What about the poison?" she asked. "Won't it... won't anything happen to us?"

"No."

I continued to eat my piece of snake, this was the first piece of meat I had had in around two weeks and I needed it. I had only eaten crap lately and only small amounts of it. I was seriously starving and losing strength.

"I need a drink," she said suddenly. I only threw a bottle of water in her direction without even looking at her, for all I knew I could have hit it with the bottle but right now I just didn't care about anything. "No, I mean a real drink, as in alcohol. I've never had one. 'Cause of my dad. But he's not exactly around anymore, so..." She made a little pause when she noticed I wasn't even looking at her but then she continued. "I thought we could go find some."
Beth looked at me, waiting for me to say something to her but I didn't. I ignored her completely, like if she wasn't even talking to me. I knew I was being a jerk but I couldn't deal with her bullshit right now. Beth stood up and awkwardly walked in front of me, she grabbed the knife and walked away. I didn't even look up, maybe she expected me to go after her like the other times but I wasn't doing that now, I wasn't her babysitter. We had just set this camp and now she wanted to leave? Who gets this girl?

I was enjoying my snake when I heard snarling, I wanted to ignore it and keep eating. I had told myself to not go after Beth like if I was a mother going after her spoiled little toddler, but I couldn't help it. I stood up with a sigh out of annoyance, grabbed my crossbow and went the direction Beth went.

I found the stubborn girl hiding behind a tree, watching as a walker went the other way. I was ready to shoot it just in case but once it walked away, I lowered my crossbow. She turned around and slightly jumped and gasped when she saw me but she calmed down when she saw it was only me. I glared at her before I turned around and walked back to camp, except she didn't know that.

Then Beth almost tripped with the rope she tied around the trees of our little camp. I was actually surprised she didn't realize we were going in the same direction we had come from.
"What the hell? You brought me back!" she exclaimed angrily at me. "I'm not staying in this suck-ass camp."

Well, it was the best we could have now, stupid little ungrateful girl. She glared at me and gave me the finger before she turned around, preparing to leave for her stupid booze.
"Hey!" I exclaimed, grabbing her wrist to stop her but she jerked it away. "You had your fun!"
"What the hell is wrong with you? Do you feel anything?" she exclaimed. I could ask her the same, she was acting so immature and I was sick of it. "Yeah, you think every thing's screwed. I guess that's a feeling. So you want to spend the rest of our lives staring into a fire and eating mud snakes. Screw that! We might as well do something! I can take care of myself and I'm gonna get a damn drink!"

Beth turned around and walked away, this time I didn't try to stop her. Instead, I slowly grabbed all our stuff and put them back inside the bag. I knew I could find Beth by following her tracks and hearing her, sometimes she was just as noisy as Cecilia, who hadn't learnt to be silent yet, not as much as me.

And as I suspected, I caught up with her quickly. She said nothing else to me but I could tell she wanted to say many more things. I was also upset so I knew it was better to keep my mouth shut. I knew when I'm upset I could say things I'd regret later.

About an hour after that, we got out of the woods, stepping into a golf field. There was a golf car overturned not far from us and the club house was in our view.
"Golfers like to booze it up, right?" Beth asked me as she finally turned to look at me, but as usual I said nothing. "Come on."

We walked to the house in a steady pace and in silence, there were some walkers away from us and we didn't want them to know we were edible. As we got to the house I saw a sign that read 'Pine Vista, Country Club'.

"Might be people inside," Beth commented as we saw a dead walker in front of the entrance, which was locked. The other walkers were approaching us so we quickly went to look for a back entrance and luckily we found one and it was unlocked. On the way here I had found a golf club, so I held it tight in my hand as I opened the door.

There wasn't anyone in this room, at least alive. I closed the door and put the club on them so they would keep closed. As we walked further into the room I saw some walkers hanging from the ceiling, so they committed suicide when they were still alive and eventually turned. There were dead bodies on the floor as well, these had gunshots wounds on their heads and there was clothes hanging on ropes, apparently people made this their home at some point until they decided to kill themselves. I saw a lot of money on the ground and quickly threw it inside a bag, honestly I had never seen so much money and right now it really didn't matter.

"Why are you keeping all that stuff?" Beth asked me. I didn't answer her, as usual. Beth didn't have the chance to ask me again because the walkers outside had finally caught up with us, they were banging on the door.

"Come on," I muttered as I put the bag over my shoulders.

I pushed the other doors opened and quickly closed them, looking around this hallway but luckily there weren't walkers here. We kept walking until we found the kitchen. I was looking for food while Beth was looking for alcohol, unfortunately there seem to be nothing left.

Not long after that I heard snarling and someone struggling. I ran to the source of the sound and saw Beth trying to stab a walker with a broken bottle of wine, her attempts were in vain. She pinned the walker to the ground, got her knife and stabbed him in its forehead.
"Thanks for the help," she sarcastically muttered at me.
"You said you could take care of yourself," I mumbled with a shrug. I was ready to intervene but I let her do it this time. "You did."
After that we went down some stairs, a furniture was blocking our way and we couldn't move it so I had to kneel and drag myself under it to the other side, where a big grandfather clock was, it chimed loudly when I tried to straightened it. I stood up quickly and cursed in my head but apparently there were no walkers around.

We continued our way until the shop of the place, there was a lot of clothes there. Even when we had found some a few days ago and changed, Beth's shirt was ripped on one side so she grabbed a new one from here and went to change while I kept looking around the place.

There was a horrible half female corpse, she was wearing an unbuttoned shirt, a beige bra, some jewels and a sign that read 'RICH BITCH', it looked like a mummy and it was really disgusting. She was pinned over some mannequin legs, which were stained with blood.

"Help me take her down," Beth told me as she tried to move her.
"It don't matter. She's dead."

"It does matter," she insisted, speaking in a very soft tone, it actually got to me.
I grabbed a blue sheet and stood up. I wrapped the sheet around the corpse, I wasn't going to touch her or move her so I just covered the body with the sheet and it seemed it was enough for Beth. I walked out of there and went back the way we came through, I had a flashlight on my hand, this part was dark even when it was daytime.

Suddenly the grandfather clock started chiming, making us both jump. I told Beth to continue, it was a bad idea to stay there. As we kept walking, I heard snarling, apparently, the sound of the clock attracted them.

"Move," I whispered to Beth.

We went inside another room and there were more walkers there. I turned around and ran away, following Beth. We ended up in a bright room, which seemed like a bedroom. I waited for the walkers to get inside to shoot the first with my crossbow. I struggled with the second, I pushed him away and quickly grabbed a golf club, I hit the walker with it. Unfortunately the golf club broke when I hit the third walker, I kept that part of it and stabbed the next walker. I kicked the fifth one to give me some time. A sixth one walked in just as I had grabbed my knife, I stabbed it quickly, burying the whole blade in its eye.

The walker I kicked stood up and came towards me, I grabbed another golf club quickly. I walked towards it and started hitting the walker, bringing it down to the floor. At the moment I just kept furiously hitting it, pouring all my anger out.

I was angry because of pretty much everything. Because I had no idea where Cecilia was, or because we were attacked and lost everything and a lot of people and Hershel was killed or because I had no idea who else had escaped or just because the dead now control the earth.

I kept hitting the walker with all my strength until a part of its head flew away, making Beth's new shirt stained with blood, speaking of her, why didn't she even try to help me? Like I said, I'm her fucking babysitter and bodyguard, we are not a team, we don't work together.

As soon as I saw that, I stopped hitting it and I panted heavily. I hadn't realize how much effort I was using until I stopped. Beth walked out of the room and I eventually followed her. We had gotten to the restaurant of the place.
"I know you think this is stupid," she told me as she turned to look at me, I said nothing but I did believe this was stupid and reckless. "And it probably is but I don't care. All I wanted to do today was lay down and cry, but we don't get to do that. So, beat up on walkers if that makes you feel better. I need to do this."

Beth went behind the counter to look for her desired alcohol while I kept recollecting stuff, I didn't even know why I was doing that.
"Peach schnapps," Beth muttered as she sat on a booth. "Is it good?"

"No."
"Well, it's the only thing left."

I walked past her and grabbed some darts and started throwing them, once I went to grab them again, I started throwing them to some pictures of probably important people here, like the president of the place.
As I threw like the fourth dart, I turned to look at Beth to see if she had had her damn drink but I found her crying. I awkwardly stood still, feeling like I didn't know what to do. She only cried harder. I admit it must be hard to see your father being killed in such a brutal and heartless way. I threw another dart, trying to ignore her but truth was that I couldn't just ignore her but I couldn't comfort her either. I threw the last dart before grabbing the bottle Beth had found and smashing it on the ground.

"Ain't gonna have your first drink be no damned peach schnapps," I exclaimed before Beth could yell at me for what I did. "Come on."

Beth and I walked out of the Country Club and went back into the woods, I could still hear her sobbing from time to time but after about an hour I heard nothing and I was glad because I didn't know how to deal with a crying person, especially when it's about the death of someone.

"A motorcycle mechanic," Beth suddenly exclaimed.
"Huh?"

"That's my guess, for what you were doing before the turn. Did Zack ever guess that one?"

"It don't matter," I muttered, not wanting to think of Zack. "Hasn't mattered for a long time."
"It's just what people talk about, you know, to feel normal."
"Yeah, well, that never felt normal to me," I exclaimed.

I was leading Beth to a shack I had been to before. We were searching for the Governor before I gave up on the search and came across it. We had been there a few times.
"Found this place with Cecilia and Michonne," I informed her.

A smile found its way to my lips as I remembered the expression on Cecilia's face when she saw all the alcohol in there. She even took a bottle back to the prison for a 'special occasion' or that's what she claimed. She ended up drinking it all the week after that.
"I was expecting a liquor store," Beth told me, interrupting my train of thoughts.
"No, this is better," I assured her.

Beth and I walked to the back of the place, where I knew the alcohol was. I had to convince Cecilia not to bring it all with her. After the night at the CDC I knew Cecilia could handle drinking a lot and I didn't want her to get drunk often. We need to be in such a good state all the time in case something goes wrong and we need to fight or run, or both.
"What's that?" Beth asked.

"Moonshine," I told her as I handed her a basket full of filled bottles with the liquor. "Come on."

I went back to the entrance of the cottage and opened the door, the place seemed empty but I still walked in with my crossbow in hand, which I eventually leant against a wall, Beth had put the basket on the table that was in the middle of the room.
"All right," I mumbled as I grabbed one jar and poured some of it in an empty and clean glass. "That's a real first drink right there." Beth only stared at it after I set the glass on the table. "What's the matter?"

"Nothing. It's just... my dad always said bad moonshine can make you go blind."
"Ain't nothing worth seeing out there anymore anyway," I told her.

Beth then hesitantly grabbed the glass and took a sip. She made a face of disgust afterwards, I really wanted to laugh at her face but I stayed quiet.
"That's the most disgusting thing I've ever tasted," she told me before she drank the rest of what I poured. "Second round's better."
Beth tried to give me some of it but I declined her offer, I needed to be sober to take care of us, someone had to do it.

I started looking around the house for things that I could use to cover the windows, Beth joined me a couple of minutes later, searching for useful things like a knife or gun but I knew there was nothing in here. Michonne, Cecilia and I searched the entire place the first time we were here.

"Who'd go into a store and walk out with this?" Beth muttered with a chuckle, finding a bit pink bra sculpture, the owner used it as an ashtray.

"My dad, that's who," I emotionless told her. "He'd set those up on top of the TV set, use them as target practice.
"He shot things inside your house?" Beth asked in disbelief.

"It was just a bunch of junk anyway," I muttered with a shrug. "That's how I knew what this place was. That shed out there, my dad had a place just like this. You got your dumpster chair, that's for sitting in and your drawers all summer drinking. Got your fancy buckets, that's for spitting chaw in after your old lady tells you to stop smoking. You got your internet," I muttered, grabbing a piece of newspaper that was on the floor.

I stood there in silence, remembering what my childhood was like, how my father used to do nothing but sit on his ass all day and my mother lightning a cigarette after another. Then I heard moaning outside, with a sign I told Beth to stay where she was. I looked out the window, which I had mostly covered with a piece of thin wood, except for a corner at the bottom.

"It's just one of 'em," I informed her.
"Should we get it?"

"If he keeps making too much noise, yeah."
"Well, if we're gonna be trapped again, we might as well make the best of it," Beth told me, grabbing a jar with some of the moonshine, she extended her arm to offer it to me. "Unless you're too busy chaperoning, Mr. Dixon."

I couldn't deny that I wanted to drink some as soon as I went to get that for Beth, it might make me feel better but I also knew I shouldn't do it. But now, since we were going to stay inside for a while, a bit of it wouldn't hurt, right?
"Hell, might as well make the best of it," I muttered as I took the jar from her hand. I sat on the big and somehow comfortable love seat and opened the jar. "Home, sweet home," I mumbled before drinking, and I won't lie, it felt good.

When I finished drinking everything in that jar, Beth decided it would be fun to play a stupid drinking game. I sat on the floor, my back against the love seat and Beth sat in front of me, a small coffee table was in between us, Beth had brought more jars with moonshine and put them on the table. I just wanted to drink but Beth kept begging.

"So first I say something I've never done and if you have done it, you drink, and if you haven't, I drink, then we switch. You really don't know this game?"

"I never needed a game to get lit before," I told her.
"Wait, are we starting?" Beth asked confused.

"How do you know this game?" I asked confused. She had never drank before so how did she even know this stupid game?

"My friends played," she told me. "I watched. Okay, I'll start. I've never shot a crossbow, so now you drink."
"Ain't much of a game," I said, not finding it amusing or fun at all, it was lame.

"That was a warm-up," Beth assured me as I took a sip. "Now you go."

"I don't know," I muttered, trying to think but nothing came to mind.
"Just say the first thing that pops into your head."
"I've never been out of Georgia."
"Really?" Beth asked surprised. "Okay, good one." Beth took a sip. "I've never been drunk and did something I regretted."
I grabbed my jar and took a big sip from it. "I've done a lot of things," I muttered as a few things came to my mind, things I didn't want to remember.
"Your turn."
"I've never been on vacation."
"What about camping?"

"No, that was just something I had to learn... to hunt."
"Your dad teach you?"

"Mm-hmm."
"Okay," Beth exclaimed, drinking some more. "I've never been in jail. I mean, as a prisoner." She chuckled a bit.

"Is that what you think of me?" I asked after a pause, I was more hurt than I should about her statement.

"I didn't mean anything serious. I just thought, you know, like the drunk tank, even my dad got locked up for that back in the day."
"Drink up," I almost ordered her, in an emotionless tone.
"Wait. Prison guard, were you a prison guard before?"

"No," I said flatly after a longer pause than the last one.
"It's your turn again."
"I'm gonna take a piss," I muttered, being sick of this shit already.

I stood up and took my jar in the process, walking to the end of the room. I let slip my jar, making it shattered on the floor.
"You have to be quiet," Beth whispered to me.
"Can't hear you! I'm taking a piss!" I yelled.

As I unzipped my pants, I could actually feel the alcohol kicking in strong, I got dizzy for a second but I was also getting to a point where I didn't give a shit anymore, to the point where I couldn't be bothered with Beth and her bullshit anymore. I was trying to be nice because of all the things she had gone through but now that I think about it, I went and still going through hell as well.

"Daryl, don't talk so loud."
"What, are you my chaperone now?" I asked loudly as I peed. I slightly turned my head to look at her. She turned to look the other way, she seemed really uncomfortable with the situation but I didn't give a damn, not anymore. I finished, zipped my pants and turn to face her. "Oh, wait. It's my turn, right? I've never – never eaten frozen yogurt, never had a pet pony, never got nothing from Santa Claus," I exclaimed as I forcefully pushed a chair. "Never relied on anyone for protection before. Hell, I don't think I've ever relied on anyone for anything."
"Daryl."
"Never sung out in front of a big group out in public like everything was fun," I continued my ranting as I angrily paced across the room. "Like everything was a big game, I sure as hell never cut my wrists looking for attention," I exclaimed, doing with my hands like I was cutting myself.

When I said that I even got angrier at her, remembering it was her who tried to manipulate Cecilia to get her to kill herself with her, after everything I did for Cecilia. Beth almost threw all that to the garbage. I almost died trying to find Cecilia and Beth then tries to get her to kill herself, instead of talking her out of it. I was going to speak my mind about that when I heard the walker that I had seen earlier starting to bang the back door and snarling loudly.
"Sounds like our friend out there is trying to call all of his buddies," I yelled, kicking a bucket.
"Daryl, just shut up!"
"Hey, you never shot a crossbow before?" I exclaimed as I grabbed my crossbow and pointed at the blonde girl. "I'm gonna teach you right now."

I walked to the other side of the room, towards Beth. I got to grab her thin wrist, and I did it really tightly and forcefully pulled her to her feet and dragged her to the door. She tried to resist but I was way too strong.

"Come on! It's gonna be fun!"
"We should stay inside," Beth exclaimed as she tried to break free from my grip but there was no luck for her. "Daryl, cut it out! Daryl!"

We went down the stairs of the porch and immediately saw the walker in front of a window, behind a bush. As soon as it saw and heard us, it started walking towards us.

"Dumbass, come here, dumbass!"

I waited for the right moment to shoot. When I did, the arrow went through its chest, pinning it to the tree trunk behind him, right like I wanted.

"You want to shoot?"

"I don't know how," Beth exclaimed nervously.
"Oh, it's easy."

I wrapped my arm around Beth's collarbones, she tried to resist but she couldn't. I aimed my crossbow with my other hand and shot at the walker. I let go of her to load my crossbow again.
"Just stop it. Daryl!" she yelled at me.

I grabbed her again from behind, this time I had my arm around her neck, she put her hands on it to stop me from holding her too tightly. I steadied my right hand and shot again, even when I was drunk and holding Beth, I had perfect aim.
"Just kill it!" Beth exclaimed when this third arrow went right through the middle of its chest.

"Come here, Greene. Let's pull these out. Get a little more target practice."

Before I could pull the first arrow, Beth rushed to the walker and stabbed him in its forehead with her knife. That made me really upset, made my blood boil even more.
"What the hell you do that for? I was having fun!" I exclaimed angrily.
"No, you were being a jackass! If anyone found my dad –"

"Don't!" I exclaimed quickly. "That ain't remotely the same."

"Killing them is not supposed to be fun!"
"What do you want from me, girl, huh?" I yelled even louder, finally asking the question I should have asked since the beginning.

"I want you to stop acting like you don't give a crap about anything, like nothing we went through matters, like none of the people we lost meant anything to you. It's bullshit!"

"Is that what you think?" I asked in a normal tone now, I was actually offended she thought I didn't care about Cecilia... about Rick, Carl, Little Ass-kicker, her dad.

"That's what I know."
"You don't know nothing," I spat.
"I know you look at me and you just see another dead girl. I'm not Michonne. I'm not Cecilia. I'm not Carol. I'm not Maggie. I've survived and you don't get it 'cause I'm not like you or them, but I made it and you don't get to treat me like crap just because you're afraid."
"I ain't afraid of nothing," I spat again right in her face.

That was probably the biggest lie I had ever told. I was more than scared about not finding Cecilia ever again. I knew she was alive, somewhere because of the signs I got but... that wasn't a guarantee that she was going to be alive for a whole year or even by the end of the week, or if I ever was going to find her again. Beth hadn't had someone like that so she couldn't understand my situation. She had had boyfriends but she wasn't with them for more than a few months, they were mostly a hobbie for her, not love.
"I remember," she said suddenly. "When that little girl came out of the barn after my mum, you were like me. Or when Cecilia went missing a few days later. You think nobody noticed but everyone could tell, when Cecilia came back you were brought to life again and now she's gone again... now... God forbid you to ever let anybody else get too close."
"Too close, huh? You know all about that. You lost two boyfriends, you can't even shed a tear. Your whole family's gone, all you can do is just go out looking for hooch like some dumb college bitch," I exclaimed, being at the verge of tears.
"Screw you! You don't get it."
"No, you don't get it!" I yelled. "Everyone we know is dead!"

"You don't know that!"

"Might as well be, 'cause you ain't never gonna see 'em again." That seemed to finally made her see reality how it is, she took a deep breath trying hard not to cry. "Rick. You ain't never gonna see Maggie again."
"Daryl, just stop."
"No!"

Beth tried to grab my hands, probably to take me back inside but I jerked them away quickly, turning around so now my back was facing Beth.

"The Governor rolled right up to our gates," I exclaimed, my voice was still loud but not as loud. "Maybe if I wouldn't have stopped looking, all of us, Cecilia... Maybe 'cause I gave up. That's on me," I exclaimed as I pointed at myself, at my chest.
"Daryl!"

"I should have kept her safe." I didn't say her name but I knew Beth knew I was talking about Cecilia. "I promised her and I failed. It's all my fault if she dies!"

Beth tried to grab me again but I just jerked my arm away again. Memories of that day flashed through my head. I remembered seeing Cecilia standing right in front of that man, next to Rick. I remembered when she ran away from the chaos, hiding behind the bus so she wouldn't get shot... that was the last time I ever saw her. Then the awful image of Hershel being...
"And your dad..." I muttered after I took deep breaths to calm myself down. "Maybe... maybe I could have done something."

Suddenly I felt Beth's arms around me, hugging me from behind. I tried to break free at first but Beth only tightened her grip on me. And that's when I finally lost it. I had kept all my emotions inside until this very moment that I was incapable of stopping crying. I just... broke down in Beth's arms. The only times I had been this inconsolable was when I had to kill Merle's walker form, that time Cecilia comforted me and when I thought Cecilia was dead, and I made sure nobody saw me like that.

At first I felt weak, exposed and ashamed but later it actually felt good to get it all out, to have Beth here to comfort me. I wasn't sure how long I cried, how long I poured out my emotions but when I was done I was exhausted.

I awkwardly made Beth let go of me and slowly walked inside the cottage, sitting on the love seat once again. I allowed myself to take a really needed nap.

A few hours later when I woke up, I was starting to get a hangover, and honestly I was too down and sad to sober up, so I just grabbed more moonshine and started to drink a bit more. I was calm now, crying and getting my emotions out helped a lot, I felt so much better.

"I get why my dad stopped drinking," Beth told me.

We were out, sitting on the porch, just enjoying this quiet time without walkers. It was dark and there was a full moon in the sky, it was my idea to get out of the house, Beth didn't feel so comfortable with the idea but she eventually agreed. I wanted to watch the night sky, the moon, the stars, and somehow I felt like somewhere, Cecilia was looking at them too.
"You feel sick?" I asked her.

"Nope. I wish I could feel like this all the time. That's bad."
"Hmm. You're lucky you're a happy drunk," I muttered, turning to look at her. It was weird when I was a happy drunk, I was mostly an angry or gloomy drunk.
"Yeah, I'm lucky, some people can be real jerks when they drink."
"Yeah, I'm a dick when I'm drunk," I said, getting the indirect. I started playing with my knife, grasshoppers could be heard in the distance.

I turned to look at Beth and told her a story about Merle's dealer. We were all drunk, Merle started making fun of the show on TV about a talking dog, it was the dealer's kids' favourite show. They even pulled out their guns because of that. The man lost it because he never saw his kids, he got sentimental plus the alcohol, made him violent. Both of them forgot the whole thing when the man punched me in the gut and I puked. They laughed and got over it.

"You want to know what I was before all this?" I asked Beth after I finished the story. "I was just drifting around with Merle, doing whatever he said we were gonna be doing that day. I was a nobody. Nothing. Some redneck asshole and an even bigger asshole for a brother."
I would probably not tell Beth that if I hadn't drunk, I was ashamed of it. I had never told anyone except Cecilia, of course, how much of a nobody I was, even though she kept insisting I was never a nobody but I really was. No job, no family, no wife, no nothing, not even a dog for company. Just Merle and my crossbow, that was it.

"You miss him, don't you?" Beth said, I looked down at the floor. He was my brother, of course I missed him. "I miss Maggie. I miss her bossing me around," she said, slightly chuckling. "I miss my big brother Shawn. He was so annoying and overprotective." She chuckled again. "And my dad. I thought... I hoped he'd just live the rest of his life in peace, you know? I thought Maggie and Glenn would have a baby, and he'd get to be a grandpa. Hell, I even thought you and Cecilia would have a baby and things with Carol would be finally okay and that those babies would be friends with Judith," she exclaimed with a small smile as she once again chuckled a bit.

That actually made my heart warm up a bit because as she said it, I perfectly but unconsciously pictured it in my head. A blonde female toddler, playing with two younger ones, a boy with dark hair and Asian-looking green eyes, and a blue-eyed, blonde little girl. I didn't know why I instantly imagined my kid as a girl, especially when all my life I said that if I ever had a kid, which was very unprovable, it would be a boy.

In my make-believe scene, Hershel was there, laughing at his grandson's failed attempts at walking and Carol was there too, she had an arm around Cecilia's shoulder and both had huge smile on their faces. I was next to Rick, both of us were laughing at Judith, who was around three, she was trying to help the younger two. The boy kept trying and falling on his butt, the little girl tried a few times before she gave up and crawled instead. I was on my knees, with my arms wide opened, being ready to catch her but she just wouldn't bother anymore. I got to my feet as I laughed at her laziness and picked her up from the grass.

I turned to look at Cecilia, who looked more beautiful than ever, the wind made her long blonde hair go in every direction. Carol whispered something to her before she went to talk to Hershel. She looked at me and I smiled when our eyes met. I made my way to her as I held our daughter with my left hand, she was playing and slightly pulling a strand of my long hair. My smile widened as I got closer to Cecilia, she smiled back at me just before I softly pressed my lips against hers.

"And we'd have birthdays and holidays and summer picnics," Beth continued, breaking my train of thoughts, which had progressed quite a lot, I shook my head, that thought seemed so real, I got lost in it, I must admit it was so nice. "And he'd get really old and it'd happen, but it'd be quiet. It'd be okay. He'd be surrounded by people he loved." Beth made a pause before she chuckled even more but this time she looked like she was about to cry. "That's how unbelievably stupid I am," she said, her voice finally breaking as her eyes filled with tears. She quickly grabbed a jar and drank.
"That's how it was supposed to be," I told her, knowing that I also had hopes and dreams, not only about Cecilia and I, not just about the two of us, but all of us, every single person in that prison.
"I wish I could just... change."
"You did."
"Not enough. Not like you, it's like you were made for how things are now."
"I'm just used to it, things being ugly. Growing up in a place like this," I muttered, looking around.
"Well, you got away from it."
"I didn't."
"You did," she exclaimed, as if she was sure of that.
"Maybe you got to keep on reminding me sometimes."
"No. You can't depend on anybody for anything, right?" Neither of us said anything for a long while, I had no idea what to say. "I'll be gone someday."
"Stop," I exclaimed quickly.
"I will," she stated, she didn't look scared about what she was saying, like if she had accepted her death already. "You're gonna be the last man standing." I just kept my mouth shut, not believing a word she was saying. I was good but not that good. Besides, as proven days ago, you can deal with walkers but there are not many things to do with humans. "You are!" Still, I said nothing, I wasn't sure what I should said, so another long silence followed, and again Beth broke it. "You're gonna miss me so bad when I'm gone, Daryl Dixon."
"You ain't a happy drunk at all," I exclaimed.
"Yeah, I'm happy, I'm just not blind," she told me. "You got to stay who you are, not who you were. Places like this, you have to put it away."
"What if you can't?" I muttered as I looked from her to the sky.

"You have to. Or it kills you," she said.

None of us said nothing for another long while. I really wasn't sure if I was able to let go of my past, I always thought it would hunt me for the rest of my life. Not even with Cecilia I ever believed I would just let it go, I had progressed a lot thanks to her, I allowed myself to love and be loved, something I never thought I was capable of, but there were still so many obstacles to bring down.
"Here," Beth said with a smile as she pointed at her heart.
"We should go inside," I muttered, looking away from her once again. She said nothing so I turned to look at her and she had mischievous smile on her lips.
"We should burn it down," she suggested and as she did, her smile just got even bigger.

I stood up, saying nothing. I grabbed my jar of moonshine and walked to the door, her smiled slightly fell. I knew why she wanted to burn it down, in a symbolic way so I could get let go of my past since this place was so similar to my house as a kid. I stopped by the door and turned to look at her.

"We're gonna need more booze," I muttered, making her smile again.

I walked inside, followed closely by Beth. I grabbed the biggest jar of moonshine, untapped it and started to pour down the contents all over the place. Beth wasted no time to do the same. Once that thing was empty, I threw it at the floor in a careless way.

I grabbed another jar and repeated the process until there were only four small full jars left. We decided to save those, not only to get drunk but also if someone cuts themselves with something, we could need the alcohol later.

I grabbed my crossbow, put the strap over my shoulder, and got the plastic bag with the four jars of moonshine and other things we had, I also checked if I had the three pictures in my pocket, once I made sure the three were there, Beth and I walked out of that place together. I looked inside my pocket, where I had the pack of cigarettes and a lighter that I found in that house, where one of the girls that lived there back in the day was called Cecilia.

"You wanna?" I asked Beth, handing her the lighter.

"Hell, yeah."

She took it in her hands as I took out one of the stashes of money I had found and grabbed at the Country Club, she set it on fire. I waited a bit before I threw the burning money at the small shack, which instantly caught up in flames. I grabbed the plastic bag again, which I had left on the ground and Beth and I walked some feet away from the now big fire.

Beth and I stopped and turned to look at what we had just done. Beth suddenly raised her hand, with her middle finger up in the air, she had a big smile on her lips, while I just continued to look at the fire. She noticed I was doing nothing but stare, so she elbowed me and silently told me with her eyes to do the same. I took a deep breath before raising my left hand, middle finger up, and I was quite surprised because it felt good, it was stupid and childish and crazy but it made me feel good, at peace, like if I had actually burnt and buried stuff from my past.

We stayed like that for maybe another two minutes, until we slowly let our arms fall down to our sides. Walkers were starting to approach the place, being attracted by the light of the fire and all the noise we made when we shattered the jars. I slightly touch Beth's forearm, to tell her we needed to go. She took one last glance at it before she turned around and walked away, being closely followed behind by me. I unconsciously smiled as I made my way away from that place.

I admit it probably was really stupid, since now we were back in the woods, having no place to stay during the night but I also admit it was more than worth it.

QOTD: Who misses Beth?

Guys, I've had a couple of rough days, this week so far has sucked big time. I've had some issues with my sport and the people in charge and at the moment I'm not even pissed, I'm just can't be bothered with them anymore, they've done too much to me and this time instead of getting mad I got disappointed and I feel like I shouldn't really care.

But guess what? This saturday I will be going to USA with my mum and grandmother, I am really looking forward, I need this sort of break, and I'm super excited. So, I won't be posting next week, I might post this friday to make it up to you but I'm still not sure.

Anyway, hoped you enjoy the chapter and tell me your thoughts about it :)