"I held her gaze as I held her in my arms.
With all that holding I couldn't hold on to the moment, and it slipped past me into the lonely past."
? Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

– Several Months Ago – CDC –

I knew things were bad but still I believed there was some kind of answer, there should be one but Jenner here just told us the world had gone to shit and they had no idea why or how it happened and most importantly, how to fix it.
"Man, I'm gonna get so faced drunk," I muttered as I ran my hands through my face and hair and started to walk away. "Again."
As I walked out I heard Dale asking about a clock that was going backwards but I didn't stay long enough to hear the answer. Instead, I headed to the kitchen and grabbed two sealed bottles of wine, which was the only alcoholic beverage around here, it wouldn't be my first choice but it was better than nothing.

With the two bottles in my hands I walked back to my room, Cecilia's bag was on the way, some of her things were already on the floor. I tried not to step on them and made my way to the couch, I sat down and opened the first bottle, leaving the other on the floor next to the couch.

I contemplated life and what had become of it as I started to drink. I didn't have much of a life a few weeks ago but at least I was safe, I didn't have to run and hide like a rat.

About twenty minutes later I heard the door being opened, I glanced at the direction quickly and saw Cecilia walking in. Before she could see me looking at her, I looked away and took a sip instead.

"Can I have some?" she asked me. I looked up at the girl and saw nothing but disappointment in those blue eyes of her, she looked crushed. I said nothing to her, I just brought the bottle to my lips and took a big sip from it, I heard her sigh at me as she sat in front of me on the cot I used to sleep the night before "What's your problem?"

"You are!" I said raising my voice a bit. She didn't flinch or even blinked, she just stayed there, staring at me, anyone would have at least gotten a bit farther from me. "You are just so annoying! Why don't you just leave me alone!?"

"What the hell are you talking about? We were okay last night, you brought me here, what changed?"
"I was just drunk!" I muttered with a slight shrug and took another sip.

"Go to hell!"

"I'm already in hell!" I exclaimed. "Why don't you just go with your friends or that kid, Sean? Just bugger off!"

I seriously wondered why she was here with me when she had those friends she claimed she couldn't live without and Glenn and her family and apparently she also had that idiot for a boyfriend, that Sean that believes he's the best at anything and the most handsome guy in the group, when he can't even hold a gun right.

"Is that what this is about?" she asked me in a calm tone again as she looked at me with an eyebrow raised at me. "Are you jealous?"

I almost chocked on the wine when I heard that. I had been told and been incriminated of many things but being jealous was never one of them, this was the first time I had ever heard that. I would have laughed in her face at her stupidity but I was too depressed for that.

"What?"

"Jealous." I heard her say again. "Of me and Sean."
"You are not just stupid but crazy as well, you are making up things in your head" I exclaimed as I looked her right in the eye as I pointed at my temple. I could swear I saw a flick of hurt in her eyes but I ignored it. "Why would I be jealous of him?"

"I regret it, you know?" she suddenly told me in a very casual way, like if I was her best friend that needed to hear the gossip. "I don't want to give him fake hope on something that will never happen. He might be handsome and all but I'm not really into him and even if I were, now is not the time for that kind of stuff."

"Why are you telling me this?" I asked her in a very soft tone, I couldn't believe she was telling me this. "I don't give a fuck about your love story."

"You are the only one here." She shrugged. "Want to give me some of that now? I just found out there is no hope left and I am really not in the mood to hear you shouting at me for no damn reason. I just need a drink and forget all of this."

I was a bit taken by surprise when she angrily raised her voice, so far, no one in the group has even tried to stand up to me or Merle, they always just keep their distance but not her, she didn't even seem a bit scared or intimidated by me and it made me wonder the reason why. She had an abusive father, we all knew about Ed, but that couldn't be it, there must be something else that made her this way.

I looked at her wondering if giving her the bottle was a good idea, she was really upset and I didn't want her to get too drunk, I didn't even know why I cared, maybe because it was my wine and I didn't want her to drink it all, nevertheless I handed her the now half-empty bottle and she took a really big sip from it. I saw her closing her eyes for a second as she felt the alcohol down her throat just before she drank more.

I took the bottle from her hands and drank a bit from it. She said nothing else and I didn't either, we just passed the bottle to the other until we finished it. I turned to grab the second bottle as Cecilia sat next to me on the couch. I put the bottle between my legs as I started to open it.

"Here, let me help you," she slurred as she put her hands on the bottle, slightly touching my hands, leaving them there.

I turned to look at her, by now most of the anger was gone. She still looked crushed and really upset at the situation, without thinking I put my hand on her shoulders, I didn't want to keep seeing her so sad. She looked up and our eyes met, she smiled at me but I could tell it was fake, her eyes showed how down she actually felt. I sighed and moved my hand to her left cheek, softly caressing it. She put her hand on top of my other hand and gave it a squeeze, I was actually surprised she didn't push me away or freaked out, she actually surprised me even more when she grabbed the bottle, threw it to the side of the couch and hugged me.

"It's gonna be okay," I mumbled as I slowly hugged her back. Maybe it was the alcohol because I was sure I wouldn't hug her or let her hug me in other circumstances and I was as hell sure that she would never hug me while sober.

She pulled away and offered me a smile, this time I could tell it was real even when she still looked sad. Slowly I felt myself leaning in, like if some invisible force was pulling me in, closer to her. I closed my eyes and soon after that I felt her soft, warm lips on mine. Suddenly, I felt something like an electric shock going from my lips to the rest of my body, something I had never felt when I had kissed someone else, it actually felt good in a strange way.

We both pulled away but still our faces were only a couple of inches away, this time it was her who closed the distance between us and pressed her lips against mine and I didn't complain, I actually kissed her back. A part of me knew it was wrong, she was so young, but it felt so right. I ignored those thoughts and deepened the kiss, I brought my hands to her face and softly cupped her face with my big hands and seconds later I felt her own hands pressing against my chest. Our lips were moving in sync as the both of us found ourselves lying down, until her back was on the couch and I was on top of her. This kiss was urgent, the two of us pouring our emotions out into the kiss. I moved one of my hands next to her side to support some of my weight as I kept stroking her face with my other hand. She wrapped her arms around my neck, bringing me even closer to her.

We broke the kiss and I sat up, I was straddling her but for some reason I didn't felt ashamed or awkward about it, and she didn't either. She had a grin on her face, still without a word being spoken, she grabbed the bottle and opened it, taking a sip from it. She handed it to me and then moved closer to the edge of the couch, motioning me to lie down next to her. I drank some wine before doing so, we fit in the couch but we were a bit tight.

She rolled over her side after she took a very big sip from the bottle, she grinned as she looked up at me. By now, my arm was beneath her head and we were almost cuddling. I tilted my head a bit and pecked her lips, which now tasted like wine. It was like I couldn't get enough of her, I just couldn't stay away and it looked like she couldn't either. She smiled at my action before she kissed me again. I had brought one of my hands to her hair, playing with it, when we heard four different voices outside in the hallway, one belonged to her mother.

The two of us immediately stopped kissing, we sat up a bit far from the other and pretended nothing had happened, she just grabbed the bottle, which we had left on the floor, and drank some more of it. Luckily, no one walked in but we didn't kiss again.

"Is it just me or has it got a bit … hotter?" I asked about a minute later. I turned to look at her and by her expression I could tell she believed I was referring to what we had been doing and for a moment I actually believed that was why I felt like the temperature had gone up. Nevertheless, I stood up and raised my hand to the air vent, and I realized it wasn't working. "Well, for sure it isn't just me."

I sat down next to her, I was glad none of us felt awkward about it now. She started a conversation, a drunken one, that is, though. Some minutes later the lights went a bit dimmer, interrupting our chat. We could also hear people outside talking in the hallway, apparently it wasn't just our air vent and lights that had stopped working.

Cecilia looked a bit concerned and I was too but I hoped my worries weren't showing in my face. I grabbed her hand and gave it a squeeze in a reassuring way. She flashed me a smile and nodded at me. She leant in and pressed her lips against mine one more time, I let myself give in and kissed her back. I really didn't want to check what was wrong but I knew I had to. I broke the kiss but I had to peck her lips one last time before I stood up.

"I knew your were jealous," she whispered, or at least that's what I thought I heard. I turned my head and glanced at her, she was just raising the bottle to her lips and drinking what was left of the wine, which wasn't much, but she finished it.

I said nothing to her, I wasn't even sure if what I heard was right. I just shook my head and ignored it, and resumed walking and opened the door of our room, and that's when everything went down hill.

The following morning, I was sat on the hard ground, my back against a tree. We hadn't slept all night and we didn't stop walking until daytime. I had my eyes closed at the moment but I wasn't sleeping, I was just remembering stuff, like our very first kiss, back at the CDC, the kiss Cecilia doesn't remember.

Beth was in front of me, pacing. She was still high from what we did hours ago, I was starting to get tired and a bit sleepy by now while Beth was kind of hyperactive.

I drank some water from one of the last bottles of water we had, before offering it to Beth. She took a quick sip before putting it back inside the plastic black bag. I buried my hand in my pocket and felt the pictures there, a smile found its way to my lips instantly. I took them out, crossed my legs, getting into a more comfortable position and looked at them, taking my time to appreciate every little detail of each picture of the three I had.

This time, because of the light, I could see the dimple on Cecilia's cheek that comes out to the surface whenever she smiles for real, when she fakes smile I know she's faking because there is no dimple showing, I had never told her why I know when she fakes it and I probably will never tell her... well, that is if I find her.

"Can I see them?" Beth asked shyly, kneeling in front of me.

"Sure," I said, handing her the pictures. She crawled closer to me, sitting on the step right on my left side.

"Tell me about this picture," Beth said. I looked down at the picture and smiled.

"That's the last picture we took of ourselves," I told her. "It was after I proposed to her."

"Yeah, I can see the ring on her finger," she muttered. "What about this one?"

"Well, that's our first picture, Rick took it. We almost never slept together at that time and we did it that night, Rick looked for Cecilia to return the camera and he took the picture when we were sleeping."

"And this?" Beth asked, showing me the last picture even when I didn't need to see it.

"She wanted a funny picture," I said, I smiled as I remembered how much she begged me to do a funny face but I still didn't.

"Even when you aren't smiling, the two of you look happy."

"There were other three pictures, but I only found these two," I told her, pointing at two of the pictures, the funny selfie and the one where she was hugging me from behind and her ring showed. "This one," I said pointing to the one where we were sleeping. "I always bring with me, always."

"How were the other pictures?"

"I would have to show you. One was of us together, in the middle of the courtyard, laughing. The other is of us too," I said, not giving any details about it. "Then there's the group picture."

"Oh, I remember," Beth said happily. "I wish I could see that picture again, see Maggie again. You are lucky you have these pictures."

"I know, I keep them safe as if they were the most valuable treasure I have."

"They are."

Beth handed me the pictures and I put them back safely in my pocket. I sighed and stood up. I was tired yes but we couldn't stay here, we needed to find another good place to stay and if possible, more food and water, especially water.

So, the rest of the morning was spent trying to find a place where to sleep, around midday we found a very small cottage. We ate our breakfast/lunch there, we found some tuna cans and we also grabbed even more clothes. The sweater Beth had was too thin and the two shirts I had gotten from the house didn't really warm me up so I got a leather jacket from here and another trousers.

We also got a backpack, the plastic bag I had already had too many holes in it and it was just a miracle that it hadn't ripped completely yet, especially when we had heavy things inside of it.

I really needed to sleep for a few hours, same as Beth, so we decided to stay for a while. I offered to sleep first, so I would be awake by night time. Beth agreed. We spent two nights in that place, we needed to move, needed to go somewhere else.

"We have to leave tomorrow, you know that, right?" I muttered after our first night there.

"I do."

"I need to look for Cecilia," I told her. I took a deep breath then, looking down at the ground. "I got a sign."

"What do you mean?"

"I asked for a sign if she was alive, seconds later I saw a shooting star and still I just couldn't accept it. I thought it was just a coincidence, so I asked for a second sign," I said. "The next day we went into those houses to look for food and supplies, in the house where I found the gun I gave you, lived a girl named Cecilia. I read her name in an article she had on her wall. That was my second sign, so I know she's alive and I need to find her."

"That's really amazing, Daryl. Why didn't you tell me before?" I just shrugged at her. "Well, I need to look for Maggie too, so we both have people to find."

"Do you want to shoot the crossbow?" I asked as I looked down at the blonde. Her smile vanished, I knew she remembered last time I actually forced her to use it. "I'll be nice this time, I promise."

Hesitantly, she nodded and grabbed the hand I offered her, and then pulled her to her feet. First, I handed her the crossbow and showed her how to place her hands on it and how to hold it. I already had practice being a teacher, when I taught Cecilia I had no idea how to do it, besides, with Beth it was easier since she was right-handed like me.

Minutes later we found a set of tracks, I could tell they were from a single walker. I told her to follow those tracks and let her have my crossbow as we walked, I had my knife in my hand just in case.

"Are we close?" Beth asked me about fifteen minutes later.

"Almost done," I said.
"How do you know?"

"The signs are all there," I told her. "Just got to know how to read 'em."
That's one thing Cecilia could never learn, I tried to show her how to track but it didn't matter how much I tried to teach her, she just couldn't.

"But, what are we tracking?" she asked me.

"You tell me," I said, making Beth lower the crossbow and she turned to look at me, I was behind her. "You're the one who wanted to learn."

I decided to use another tactic this time. I always told Cecilia where the tracks were and what left them there, I just ordered her to follow them in the direction they had gone, she had a hard time even with that.
"Well, something came through here," Beth told me. "The pattern is all zig-zaggy. It's a walker."
"Maybe it's a drunk," I said as I brought my fingers to my chin, in a thoughtful way.

"I'm getting good at this," Beth exclaimed with a big smile. "Pretty soon I won't need you at all."
"Yeah, keep on tracking," I just muttered.

Soon we found the walker that left those footsteps on the ground. It was kneeling on the ground and it was feeding.

"It's got a gun," Beth told me.

I nodded at her to do it. She raised the crossbow and slowly walked forwards, I followed her close behind at first but then stayed a few steps behind. Suddenly, when I thought nothing could go wrong, I heard her yelped out in pain and she fell down to the ground. The walker turned around, letting go of whatever it was eating. As I saw that I quickly ran to the scene, I took the crossbow from Beth's hands after she tried to shoot it, but missed the target.

I ran to the walker with my weapon in hand and instead of shooting another arrow, there was no time to reload the crossbow, I just hit it with the big weapon and that was enough to kill it. I let the crossbow fall to the ground and I rushed to Beth, who was still on the ground. I freed her foot from an animal trap, so that was the problem.

"Can you move it?" I asked her. I let go of her foot and allowed her to move it. She tried to move it from side to side and I could tell that was painful for her.

"Yeah."
After we made sure her foot wasn't broken, I helped her up, she couldn't walk well so I put an arm around her waist and ordered her to put hers around my shoulders. She hesitated at first but she eventually did it, we were going at a slow pace but there was nothing else we could do, I couldn't just leave her.

A couple of hours later we finally got out of the woods and we came across a small graveyard, a large house was at the end of it. Beth let go of me and asked me to make a small break. I decided then that I could carry her, I didn't want to lose any more time. I put the crossbow's strap over my shoulders, stepped in front of Beth and slightly bent my knees.

"Hop on."
"Are you serious?" Beth asked me in a skeptical tone.

"Yeah, this is a serious piggyback. Jump up."

After a few seconds of hesitation, Beth finally jumped on my back, I put my hands under her thighs to support her weight as she wrapped her arms around my neck and honestly, I really didn't expect her to weigh so much. Cecilia is taller than her but I'm pretty sure she weighs less than Beth.
"You're heavier than you look," I commented as I started walking.

"Maybe there are people there," Beth said, looking at the house.
"Yeah, if there are, I'll handle them."
"There are still good people, Daryl."

"I don't think the good ones survive."

Even though it's more exhausting to carry her, we were advancing quicker than when she was walking, which I was glad about. If we couldn't stay in that house, we needed to find another place quickly if we didn't want to spend the night outside in the open. Suddenly Beth let go of me and I noticed she was staring at something, I looked at it and saw a grave with the words 'Beloved Father' on it. Luckily there were some flowers behind us, I picked some and put them on top of the grave. I know Hershel is not there but it still felt right to do it.

As we stared at the grave in complete silence I felt her hand rubbing against mine, I paid no attention at first but I almost freaked out when I felt her intertwining our fingers together, I wanted to pull away but I knew things would get awkward between us and she was so sensible right now, I just went along with it, even when it felt so wrong and so bad.

Soon I let go of her hand and told her to hop on me again, at first she looked a bit hurt I let go of her hand but she knew we had to go, so I carried her all the way to the house. Once there I set her down and opened the door as I loudly tapped the wall and even whistled but apparently no walkers were inside. Soon we noticed the house was pretty clean, too clean, meaning someone had been here recently and that person could still be around.

Together we searched all the house, there were a few corpses there but all of them had been applied make-up and they were wearing nice clothes, someone actually bothered to do that. I thought it was stupid and a waste of time but Beth believed it was 'beautiful'.

What I found beautiful was the amount of food we found in the kitchen, there was soda, peanut butter, jelly, water plus some other things. I realized there was no dust on them so we agreed to only have some, it wouldn't be fair for the people who gathered all of this. I grabbed a jar of grape jelly and stuck my finger inside, not bothering to look for a spoon or something else, I was starving.

After I ate almost half of it plus some peanut butter, I went outside and set tripwires so they would alert us if someone, dead or alive, got near the house, later I checked if all the windows and doors were closed and fortunately they all were, some even had pieces of woods nailed to the windows, this place was alright for now.

By dusk, I was ready to go to bed and have a deserved sleep. I walked to one of the rooms, where I found Beth playing the piano. I walked in and sat on the coffin there, Beth just looked at me as if I was crazy.

"What are you doing?"

"This is the comfiest bed I've had in years," I told her, it was almost not fair that the dead had such a comfortable place to lie on when we, the living, were sleeping on the hard cold ground.
"Really?"

"I ain't kidding," I said, even before the outbreak my bed was several years old and was uneven, giving me severe back pains. "Why don't you go ahead and play some more? Keep singing."
"I thought my singing annoyed you," she told me.
"There ain't no jukebox, so..."

With a smile, Beth turned around and started playing again, as she sang and played the piano, I couldn't help but think of the group. Rick, Carl, Little Ass-Kicker, Maggie, Cecilia, Michonne, Glenn and everybody else, even my dreams were filled with them.

Beth and I had stayed longer than expected, two more days had passed and whoever lived here hadn't come back and Beth's foot was still swollen and she was limping, there was no way we could leave yet, unless I wanted to carry her the whole time or being caught up with walkers. It would be crazy if we leave now and it felt good to be in a proper house with food and water, even if it was surrounded by a graveyard and there were corpses inside the house, the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to stay, at least for a few more days. I could deal with thumbs and corpses.

For some reason I was in a very good mood today but Beth was kind of gloomy, she broke down earlier today, her sobs woke me up and she had been extremely quiet all day.

We had been on our own today, I went to the kitchen because I was getting hungry, it was around lunch time, when I found Beth there, but she wasn't eating, she was drinking some of the moonshine we got from the shack. I sighed at her.

"You shouldn't do it that often," I exclaimed as I stood next to her. The jar of moonshine was almost empty.

Beth said nothing to me, she didn't even look up at me. I sighed once again and sat on the chair, grabbing the peanut butter jar that we had eaten from earlier this morning. Suddenly I heard her sobbing once again, I tried to ignore her but she only cried harder.

"I miss them," Beth muttered as she wiped some of her tears. "My sister... I don't even know if she's alive."

I didn't know what to say to make her feel better, truth was that Maggie could be dead right now, as everybody else, for all we knew we could be the last members of our group alive but I couldn't tell her that at the moment.

Awkwardly I put my hand on her shoulder and then patted her back slightly, what else could I do? I have never been good at comforting people but somehow it seemed to work because Beth turned to look at me and flashed me a small smile before she looked away to wipe her new tears.

"Despite everything," she muttered in a hoarse voice as she looked at me again. "I'm glad you are with me."

Without warming Beth hugged me, while I just stayed frozen with the peanut butter in my hand. She unwrapped her arms around my neck but barely moved from her spot and before I knew it she had quickly kissed me on my lips.

Several thoughts crossed my mind, ninety-nine percent of them concerned Cecilia, I wasn't even sure if this was in fact happening. I could be dreaming, right? I could be hallucinating but sadly I wasn't, Beth Greene was kissing me.

I wasn't sure how much time it took me to finally react, but when I did Beth was kissing me even harder and she was raising her hands to touch my shoulders. I pushed her away forcefully and stood up. I wiped my lips with the back of my left hand as I took deep breaths to calm myself but it wasn't working.

"What the fuck Greene?" I yelled at her, looking right into her light blue eyes that in my opinion didn't show any kind of regret.

"I thought..."

"No!" I yelled interrupting her, I actually expected her to apologize, to be ashamed but she wasn't. "What the fuck?"

Beth looked down at the floor and just shrugged, but even then all she seemed to be was ashamed because she was rejected, not because she felt bad about what she did.

"I have a fiancee, Beth!" I yelled even louder as I pushed a chair, making it fall to the ground with a loud thud. "Cecilia, remember her? Just because she ain't here it doesn't mean we are not together anymore!"

"I know," she muttered. "But like you said... she isn't here and –"

"What the fuck!?" I repeated, my voice getting even louder. "She's not here but I won't be unfaithful, Beth and much less with you! I love her, can't you understand that? She's alive, she's out there and she doesn't deserve this. Hell, I thought she was your friend. How could you do this to me, to her?"

I started pacing the room as I kept muttering things under my breath. I couldn't believe what just happened. I kind of cheated on Cecilia, it wasn't my intention and I never kissed back but still.

"Daryl, I think we should just relax, we have been through so much and..." Beth muttered as she stood up and tried to approach me but I just pushed her away.

"Can't you understand? I'm fucking engaged, Beth! I love her, okay? I won't hurt her like that."

"She's not even here, you don't even know if you will ever see her again."
My jaw clenched when I heard those words, how could she even say that? Wasn't me the negative one out of us and she was the way too positive one? What the hell happened? I was tempted to just punch her for saying that but I couldn't hit her, not even when all my being wanted to.

"This isn't you talking," I muttered as I pointed a finger right in between her eyes. "It's the alcohol, you wouldn't say any of this if it wasn't for it and just so you know I don't care if it takes me a whole lifetime to find Cecilia, I will find her even if it's the last thing I do so I suggest you to stop drinking, put your shit together and get back into your senses, don't ever, ever say I won't see her again or try to kiss me again or I'll leave you on your own."

With that, I stormed out of the room, went upstairs and locked myself in one of the rooms there. I kept wiping my lips with my hand, feeling horrible with myself.

I never saw it coming and I feel so guilty for it, maybe I could have stopped it.

Hi guys!

It's been too long and I'm sorry for that. I've had some issues, problems with the coach/training. At the moment I'm not longer part of the national team and I'm just not in the mood to deal with the world at the moment and I'm just numb... I feel nothing right now, like when the same thing happened 2 years ago, I cried everyday for a long time and this time nothing.

I also feel like my life is sort of falling apart, not just because of not being able to train at the moment but other things. It's like a big black whole is sucking me in.

Despite all that, I hope you like the chapter, I hope the wait was worth it and let me know your opinions.
Honestly, I loved Beth until I wrote this chapter, once I did my whole perspective change! It's not the first time this happens to me. I love characters and make them a certain way in my stories and start to dislike them a lot, I think that's why I hate Hermione from HP now :P

Anyway I wish you all a happy week :)

Oh, and what do you think of Eugene? Is he pretending or he's just loyal to the highest bidder?