"Maybe we needed to break a little, so we could put ourselves back together more beautifully than before."

- Leah Raeder, Cam Girl

When we got back, I noticed Abraham and Rosita were still trying to fix the bus and Rick and his group were already back.

"What did you find?" Rick asked us as we all approached him.

"Pretty much nothing," I told him.

"Three silencers," Tara said as she took them out of her pocked and showed them to Rick.

"Something is something," he said, his disappointment showed. "No food or water?"

"Nope," I said.

"We found a lot of food," Rick told us. "But we are so many people, it could last only a few weeks. We still need some formula for Judith, we are running out of it."

"I volunteer to go on a run tomorrow," I said quickly. "Maybe I can find a pharmacy or even a house where I could get some."

"Maybe, we'll see what happens, let's discuss that once everyone is back."

Since I didn't have a good night sleep because of the nightmares, I was very tired. I went inside, lied down on the floor, by a corner after I got my backpack to use it as a pillow. I told Glenn and Maggie where I was going to be if they needed me.

I did sleep for around three hours and it helped me a lot, but the way I was woken up wasn't nice. Judith's cries. I groaned, I tried to cover my ears but it was no use, I was already awake. I pushed off a small blanket, I stood up and stretched. I looked to my left and saw Rick changing her diaper, while my mother was preparing her bottle.

Without them noticing me, I walked out of the church. I saw Tara, talking to Abraham and Rosita, who finally had taken a break from fixing the bus or maybe they had already fixed it. I also saw Carl, he was with Daryl. Carl was telling him some kind of story, I could tell because of Carl's gestures and the shining in his eyes, while Daryl mostly just nodded or asked something every once in a while.

"You okay?"

I jumped and turned around quickly to find Sasha. She had a frown in her face as she looked right into my eyes. I blinked some times before nodding at her.

"You look a bit pale," she told me. "And you haven't been yourself lately."

"I guess I just haven't been eating and sleeping well but I'm good," I said. "No need to worry."

"We saved you some food by the way," Sasha told me. "Glenn told us to not wake you up unless it was necessary."

"Yeah, I was very tired. I'll go eat in a bit, thank you."

She smiled at me before joining Bob once again. She sat next to him and kissed him on the lips, when they pulled away, they both had big smiles. I felt how my stomach twisted as I watched the happy couple, and then looked at Daryl, who was smiling at Carl, but he didn't look truly happy.

I looked down at the ground, feeling more alone than ever and also guilty. I knew he was being honest with me but with everything that was going on I guess I just needed some time. I wasn't really angry at him, but I needed to be angry at someone. What happened to me after the prison was just something that happened, and I was upset at the universe and 'destiny' for that but since I really needed to get my anger out on something, to focus on something that I could actually see and even touch, I guess I was just targeting Daryl for what Beth did, and taking my anger out on him for everything, even when it wasn't fair on him.

I was going straight to him when I felt a hand on my shoulder, I turned around, expecting to see Sasha again but instead I saw my mother. I took a deep breath after I saw the look on her face.

"I need to talk to you," she told me.

"Okay." I shrugged. "Talk."

"In private."

She told me to follow her. She headed to the back of the church, away from everyone, and that worried me, this was serious and I didn't want to deal with her right now.

"If this is about Karen and Da..."

"No, it's not about them," she said quickly.

"I already told you I don't blame you. They would have died, anyway."

"There are lots of things you haven't told me Cecilia," she said sternly. All out of a sudden I felt like those rebel teenagers that do drugs, skip school and do all kind of vandalism when they had just been caught.

"There is nothing to talk about," I said in a monotonous tone as I crossed my arms in front oh me, my mum noticed my body language but didn't comment on it.

"Denying it or pretending it didn't happen it won't make those things just go away." I was ready to leave when her voice stopped me. "Nice ring, by the way, you didn't tell me you got engaged."

"I didn't find a good moment to tell you," I said, looking down at the ground. "But now you know. There's nothing else to talk about, or are you upset I said yes to Daryl?"

"I'm not upset, I'm actually happy!" she exclaimed, surprising me a bit. "Why are you being so evasive? I'm your mum, you should trust me and come to me when hard things happen or even when good things happen."

"You were away for months!" I shouted. "Just because you are here now it doesn't mean I can go to you and pour my heart out. We are good but don't expect me to open it up to you so easily, it's nothing I'm used to."

"You can try, speak to me."

"Too late," I exclaimed. "I needed you weeks ago, I wanted you to be there for me! I know it wasn't your or Rick's fault but that doesn't change the fact that it was hard. How do you think I felt when I got back to the prison in such a critical state, wanting you to just hold me and be there when I woke up but instead finding out you killed two people and got exiled?"

"What happened? Why did you want me to hold you?" she asked me. "What happened to you?"

"Nothing," I said quickly and turned around, already walking away before I spill something else.

"Cecilia!" she called for me but I didn't even look back at her.

I almost sprinted back to the other side of the church, where almost everybody was. When Carl saw me, he smiled at me and waved at me to go there where he was, still with Daryl. I nodded at him and walked there.

I looked down at Daryl and I had such a huge urge to hug him, kiss him or at least just grab his hand but a part of me felt like those things were foreign even when we had done those hundreds of times. I slightly moved my hand but hesitated too long and I ended up dropping it to my side again.

All I wanted was things to be okay between us again, I wanted to tell him I needed him and I wanted him by my side but at the moment I was upset at my mum, I was going to wait until I had calmed down from that.

"Judith was actually asking for you," Carl told me. "She kept saying your name."

"I'll go see her in a bit."
"She still hasn't learnt to say my name," Carl said sadly.

"She will soon, Carl is not easy to say for a little girl like her."

Daryl looked up at me and offered me a small smile, which I returned. I looked at his eyes and that smile didn't reach them. I knew he meant that smile but he was also hurting. Not only I had given him false illusions but also had pushed him away when all he had been doing was trying to be there for me.

"How did your run go?" I asked Daryl.

"Alright, got some water, plus some vodka and whiskey." I chuckled. "What about you?"

"We found a bag of chips," I told him. "Not really good."

Even though we were having a nice and normal conversation, the atmosphere was tense and awkward, even Carl could feel it, he was also uncomfortable at the moment. I felt like crying because of what had happened to us, I never thought we would be like this.

And then, as Daryl's smile faded, I remembered what Rick told me right after I told Daryl about the miscarriage.

"Don't let this break the two of you, stop it before it's too late."

I sighed, knowing I had done the complete opposite. Daryl had tried, he really did, but I hadn't even made an effort.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Daryl asked as he quickly stood up and put his hands on my shoulders.

I looked up at him this time, his eyes only showed concern and even love. I looked down quickly, not wanting to break. Carl was still on his spot and he still didn't know anything and if I could keep it that way, I would. He didn't need to know what happened to me.

"I don't want us to fall apart... which, we are," I whispered. "I love you more than anything. I don't want to lose you."

"You won't lose me," he said as he hugged me and pulled me close to him. "I love you and we will overcome this together, we will be alright. I know how you deal with pain, I know sometimes you just need to be alone, but I'm here for you, always."

I smiled at him, as my eyes watered. I didn't know how I even got to have him but for sure I didn't deserve this man, he was amazing.

"Always," I repeated.

I looked from his eyes to his lips, and I felt that same urge to kiss him I felt before. I wasn't sure if that would be pushing it too much, but before I could even think about it, I closed my eyes and leant forward, slowly pecking his lips.

As I was leaning back, Daryl caught my lips with his once again. I hadn't kissed Daryl or felt like this in so long and I was actually relieved it wasn't still too late, we still could work things out and fix them.

"I'm still here, you know?" I heard Carl saying, making us stop the kiss.

Daryl turned to look at him and actually glared at the boy, I chuckled, feeling a bit embarrassed Carl had been there the whole time and who knows who saw us as well, but at the moment I didn't care.

"You got us together," Daryl muttered, annoyed. "You shouldn't interrupt us when we kiss."

"I guess..." Carl mumbled.

"It's okay," I said, walking to Carl and rubbing his shoulder. "I'll go in, I'm hungry."

I walked inside the church, Gabriel was there, Rick was also there with Judith, who now was sleeping. Maggie was sat in a corner with my mother, they were talking.

Rick told me where they had left my portion of food, I thanked him and then went to grab my food. I sat on a bench and started eating. Gabriel was not far from me.

"Why do you still wear that?" I asked him as I looked down at his clothes.

"The world might have changed but I haven't," he told me with a small shrug.

I nodded at him and ate some more, then I looked all around me. It had been probably twelve or fifteen years since I had been in a church, I never truly liked it. I was just a kid, I found it boring.

"Earlier you said God abhors violence," I said as I turned to look at Gabriel again. "These last years I have done nothing but that. I've done all kind of stuff, I have killed people. Do you think my soul is already lost or will God forgive me one day?"

"He is a merciful God," he told me. "He forgive us all we do. If you really repent and regret what you have done and ask for His forgiveness, He will give it to you."

"What if He forgives me and I do it again?"

"We are humans, we have weaknesses. We can fall into the same kind of temptations, but like I said, He is merciful and he forgives."

"There's one thing, though, I have to forgive what people has done to me too, right?" I asked him. "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. That's what the prayer says, and I know there are verses in the bible that say the same thing. Do I need to forgive?"

"Yeah, it's not easy and you must ask God for His help, to find peace."

"It took me so long to forgive my mother for all kind of stuff," I said as I got closer to Gabriel, so the others inside wouldn't here me, especially my mum. "But I still haven't forgiven my dad or a boy that used to be my friend. And just today I found out who did something horrible to me, not exactly to me but sort of, it's hard to explain and I feel such rage towards that person even when I already killed her. I want to let it go but I can't."

"Then ask God to help you. If we are angry we are bitter and when we are bitter we open so many doors for all kind of evil stuff. I won't say it will be easy but if you let it take over you, you'll lose the person you are. You'll become heartless, unhappy and become even more bitter and as you said, if you don't forgive, The Lord our God will not forgive your sins."

"I think I already lost the person I used to be and to be honest, I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing."

"Do you want to talk about it? We could go inside one of those rooms if you want privacy." I shook my head.

"I think I do but no offense, I don't know you. Besides, I wouldn't know where to start," I whispered.

"Well, when you feel like you want to talk, you know where to find me and if you don't feel comfortable about talking to anyone, then talk to God. He's always listening, always. And if you don't know how to start then just say the first thing that comes to your mind."

"Thank you," I told him with a smile.

I finished the rest of my food in silence, I didn't sat anything to Gabriel and he didn't say anything else to me. Once I was done, I stood up and put the empty can I used as a bowl inside a bag the others had used to put the garbage in.

Only a couple of hours later it got dark and the rest of our group got in as well. I spent the time to talk to Gabriel, not about my problems but things related to the bible. I told him I really didn't care before everything happened but then Hershel let me borrow his bible and somehow I was hooked, I told him about Hershel too. Gabriel even gave me a bible, he had enough of those.

Abraham, who was the last one to walk inside, closed the doors and Gabriel helped him lock them, plus he put a wooden bar just for extra protection.

When Gabriel stood up to help Abraham, it finally gave me time to open the bible. I randomly opened it and my eyes landed on some verse just as Daryl came sitting next to me.

'The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all.' - Psalm 34: 18-19.

I almost broke down crying when I read that, a part of me really needed to believe there is a God and that verse was meant to me, I was brokenhearted and crushed, and I needed something, anything to lift my spirit, to give me hope.

"What are you reading?"

"Gabriel gave me a bible," I told him. "I used to read back at the prison, and Her... Hershel used to explain things I couldn't understand."

"That's nice of him."

I knew Daryl thought all of this was just a waste of time, believing in such things but he never tried to change my mind or said I was being ridiculous, he just let me be and I let him be.

"I don't want to kill more people, Daryl, it's really taken a toll on me." I said out of nowhere. "But if I don't, they will kill me."

"Not necessarily."

"If I hadn't killed that woman back at the prison, she would have killed me. If I hadn't killed Peter, he would have killed me. If I wouldn't have killed that man in that house, he would have told his group and who knows what would have happened to me. You can't always be there."

"I know," Daryl said sadly as he looked at the ground, then he glanced up at me. "Months ago you told me you gotta do what you gotta do, you didn't show any kind of regret or remorse, what has changed?"

"I have. I've realized I'm not the same person I used to be, I have no limits anymore and I'm afraid I have crossed the line and I won't be able to come back, to recover my humanity," I muttered as I looked down at the bible in my hand. "And just because I didn't show any kind of regret, it doesn't mean I don't have them. I regret them all, all the people I've killed. I see their faces almost every time I close my eyes and go to sleep. They haunt me. Do you also have regrets, Daryl?"

"I do but I don't regret them all," he said after a long pause and a deep breath. "Killing people doesn't affect me anymore, I guess I went a bit numb after the first ten or fifteen of them. I have come to grips with the fact that our reality now means kill people but that doesn't mean I like you killing, if I can do it for you I will."

"That won't be necessary. I said I didn't want to kill more people, not that I won't. I just want some normality for a while. No more tragedies."

"Me too."

Our conversation was interrupted by Carl, who sat in between the two of us and put his arms around our shoulders, for a second time today, Daryl glared at the boy, who came to finish the story he was telling to Daryl before I interrupted it.

Some time later my mother and Maggie got some more food for tonight, I was still full because I had just eaten two or three hours ago but I couldn't afford to skip a meal, not now, so I accepted my portion but didn't eat it, I was going to save it for later.

Daryl knew why I wasn't eating and didn't push me to eat or asked why I hadn't even touched my food, which I was glad. But being full would just stop me from eating even more, not from drinking, something I hadn't done in a very long while. Daryl, my mother and Rick didn't seem too happy about it but there was no harm, right?

"I'd like to propose a toast," Abraham suddenly spoke up.

I was in between Daryl and Carl, sat on the floor with our backs against one of the benches. Rick was in front of us, with Judith on his lap. My mother wasn't far from us, with Mika next to her. The ones that were up went to their places quickly, so Abraham, who now was the only one on his feet, could talk.

"I look around this room and I see survivors, each and every one of you has earned that title," he said.
"To the survivors!" everyone exclaimed with excitement.
"Survivors!"

"Cheers!"

I smiled and cheered with everyone just before I took a big gulp of the vodka they had found earlier. Daryl was having whiskey. This was my second glass of the liquor and Daryl wasn't too happy about that.
"Is that all you want to be?" Abraham asked us, making us all looked at him with our eyebrows raised. "Wake up in the morning, fight the undead pricks, forage for food, go to sleep at night with two eyes open, rinse and repeat? 'Cause you can do that. I mean, you got the strength. You got the skill. Thing is, for you people, for what you can do, that's just surrender. Now, we get Eugene to Washington and he will make the dead die and the living will have this world again and that is not a bad takeaway for a little road trip."
None of us said anything, I didn't want to go to Washington unless people assured me things would be better over there but I doubted it. The bigger the city used to be, the more walkers. So far, Georgia was more than enough for me.

Tara told me about Eugene and how he has the cure for all this but I seriously doubt it. The man can be extremely smart or at least has knowledge of what he talks about, but Jenner told us they didn't have a cure, they didn't even know what had caused all of this, what suddenly changed? He wouldn't have ended his life and destroyed the CDC if there was a minimal chance of a cure.
"Eugene, what's in DC?" Abraham asked him.

"Infrastructure constructed to withstand pandemics even of this fubar magnitude. That means food, fuel, refuge," he said. "Restart."
"However this plays out, however long it takes for the reset button to kick in, you can be safe there, safer than you've been since this whole thing started. Come with us, save the world for that little one," Abraham said as he looked at Judith, who was lying on top of her father's chest. "Save it for yourselves. Save it for the people out there who don't got nothing left to do except survive."

The place was immersed in a deep silence, I turned to look at Daryl and he did the same. I didn't know what he was thinking about but I wish he wouldn't want to go. The silence was interrupted by Judith babbling. Rick chuckled and looked at the little girl.
"What was that?" Rick asked her, and then he laughed as Judith kept babbling. "I think she knows what I'm about to say. She's in. If she's in, I'm in. We're in."

Everyone laughed except me, Rick had made his mind and I was surprised at how easily he agreed to go, I was hoping he would at least prolong it.

"Don't you think that's too much?" Daryl asked as he attempted to take the glass from me after I drank even more.

"I can handle it," I told him. "I need this, Daryl."

"That's why I'm worried. You want to forget the pain for at least a night and tomorrow what? The pain will be back and it might be even worse."

"Maybe all I need is a little break," I muttered.

Daryl said nothing else, but it was obvious he wasn't happy. He finished his food in silence. Daryl and I then stood up and moved to one corner of the church, away from everyone. Carl had gone with Rick only minutes ago. I had brought my food and glass with vodka with me.

"What do you think?" I asked him. "About Washington?"

"I honestly don't know."

"I don't want to go," I admitted. "Maybe we can talk to Rick about it."

"Maybe a change will do us good."

"A change? Nothing will change, except the place. It doesn't mean there will be no walkers there or people that want to kill us, if anything, it will only be worse than here."

I heard Daryl sighing, he was conflicted. He trusted Rick and his decisions but my opinion mattered to him and he didn't know what would be best for us.

"We should give it a shot and if we run into some kind of big problem very quickly, we'll take that as a sign we shouldn't go and I'll tell Rick we shouldn't continue."

"I'll speak to him tomorrow and tell him I really don't think Eugene has the cure. Abraham hasn't fixed the bus so we won't leave tomorrow."
"Speaking of that," Daryl said quickly, he bit his lip out of nervousness and looked from me to the ground. "I think we should do something before leaving."

"What would that be?" I asked him as I looked right into his eyes, he didn't hold the eye-contact for long, though. I was very intrigued at what he had to say.

"I know it's stupid and a bit senseless but we could get married here," he said, almost making me choke on my drink. "We are in a church, Gabriel is a father, I bet he married someone before, it would make everything a bit more normal, do things like they used to be done. So what do you say? Will you marry me, maybe tomorrow?"

I stared at him in complete shock and disbelief. I really wasn't expecting that at all. I closed my mouth and bit my lower bit as I looked away from him. I loved him and I really wanted to marry him.

"No," I said firmly as I looked up at him again, only to see how his nervous smile completely disappeared from his lips and I saw hurt in his eyes. "I will marry you someday, just not tomorrow. I love you, okay? My feelings for you haven't changed, if anything, I love you even more every day that passes."
"Then why won't you marry me?"

"If you had asked me before the prison incident, I would have married you right on the spot. We don't need a church or a father to get us married, but you are right, it would feel more normal to do it that way and it would be nice. But... we are not ready anymore. We both are hurt and deeply. The prison, Beth, the miscarriage, Terminus... emotionally, I'm a mess and I don't want to feel sadness and despair when I marry you, I want to feel happiness and joy, so I can remember it everyday and feel that same joy. I'm hurting and I know you are too. We have barely talked to each other these last few days, we need to heal before taking that step, Daryl."

It was killing me to say no to Daryl, but if we did it in our emotional state, I'm afraid we would just fail and end up getting even more distant with time. We needed to get back to what we were before getting married, we had to heal those wounds.

If something destroys a house, a hurricane, a fire, a storm or an earthquake, the people that lived in that house won't go back to live there, it could plump down and fall on them, killing them all. No, they have to fix the house, sometimes even re-building entire sections of the house, or the whole house, before moving back in and that's what Daryl and I needed to do before 'moving in.'

"I love you, that's not even up for discussion," I muttered as I took his hands in both of mine and kiss the top of it, earning a very small smile from him. "We will get married, I promise. We will both feel it when the right time has come."

I leant in and pecked his cheek. I offered him a small smile and he nodded at me, attempting to smile again too. He sighed then and pecked my forehead.

"You are right," he whispered. "If we do get married now it will be like doing a business, something we would do just to get it over with. After all we went through I just thought we should but you are right."

"Everything has been so recent, we need some time. Remember when you got mat at me because I kissed you and you wanted it to be special and I ruined it?" He nodded it. "Well, let's wait and make this special, not like what you said, just a business."

Daryl and I sat down on the floor and rested our backs against the wall, he wrapped his arm around my shoulders while I rested my head on his shoulder. We hadn't been this close since before Terminus and this would be the first night we would spend next to each other, hopefully for the whole night.

"We'll make it through," Daryl whispered to me. "We won't be defeated by all of these... adversities."

"I know."

"How?"

"Because we are together again," I told him with a smile. Daryl smiled back at me and slowly leant in until his lips pressed against mine.

The kiss wasn't like the last we shared, full of all emotions, this one was a kind of confirmation that we would be okay, now that we were together again.

Okay guys, hope you liked the chapter and let me hear your opinion on what just happened at the end of the chapter.

And good news, after months of not wanting to write or not having the time, I'm getting the inspiration again and if I had had time yesterday I would have. Maybe I can today, which I hope. I have some more chapters written so even when I can't write I have more to post :P

And good news! I'll go on a trip at the end of the month! I will be gone for 2 weeks, maybe even a bit more. We'll see.

Well, hope you liked it and please comment :D