Esther found herself at the synagogue.

Rabbi Weiss had invited her over to talk over tea.

At first, she wasn't sure if she would go considering what had just happened but then decided that was exactly why she should go. Maybe she'd be able to find some answers there. Or even just some reassurance.

"Why are we here?" Zellogi groaned.

"You said you wanted to get out."

The shinigami harrumphed. "I didn't mean here!"

"If you behave during this talk, we'll go to the movies tomorrow and I'll get you some popcorn and candy."

"Tomorrow?!"

"Becca is coming over this afternoon - you need to behave then too by the way."

"Ugh, fine. But I get to choose the movie."

"Deal."

Esther contemplated her life for a minute: she had just made a deal, with what was essentially a god, so that he would behave for five goddamn minutes, and rather than cost her soul - she was going to have to spend like $25 on just movie theater concessions because she knew he'd insist on a large popcorn and whatever the most expensive candy was…She had watched a classmate die in front of her, she had murdered several people and a crazy dude with a god complex was now stalking her.

I need a drink, she thought.

She had only ever had the tiny cups of overly-sweet Manischewitz at her temple's kiddush luncheons, and at her Bat Mitzvah. It wasn't even enough to get buzzed - but she wanted something to take her away from this situation. And tea just wasn't going to do it.

"Would you like a cup of tea?" Rabbi Weiss asked as she led Esther into her office.

"Sure."

Esther sank into one of the oversized, wine-purple chairs and took the styrofoam cup from the Rabbi's manicured hands. She kept her eyes down.

Being invited to the rabbi's office, even though it was just to "see how she was doing," felt like being called down to see the principal.

After her mom died, she'd been called down to the principal's office. It had been an awkward half an hour where a man, who she saw every day but had barely exchanged anything more than pleasantries with, tried to connect with her. His grandmother had cancer, so he understood what she was going through, and she should feel free to tell him anything.

It had been easier to talk with Becca, who had simply listened, let her cry and let her eat far too many chicken nuggets (after which she refused any more nuggets for over a year.) She couldn't see how this would be any better - but the situation was entirely different. More different than anyone knew.

"I know you're going through a tough time right now. I wanted to know if there was any way I could help."

Esther tried to get some words out - anything, but it was like they were all jammed up in the back of her throat.

She did need help. But not the sort of help Rabbi Weiss was thinking about. That wasn't going to help her - not a lot.

"I'm fine…I'm seeing a therapist. I think I'll be ready to go back to school when the time comes…"

Rabbi Weiss just looked at her with knowing eyes. "You can lie better than that," she said. "What you went through was traumatic. It's understandable if you're having lots of complicated feelings about what happened."

She was having feelings, but they sure as hell weren't complicated ones.

"Not really," she replied. "I-I-I ki-...I let Keith die…."

"Why do you think that?" she said. "There's nothing you could have done to pre-"

"Yes, there was! I could have been quicker!" Esther's eyes widened as she realized what she had just said. But the rabbi just stared at her with concerned eyes.

"Nothing you could have done would have stopped what happened. It was you, Keith against a madman with a gun."

"I -c-could have done something though!"

"No. No, you couldn't have. And that's okay." Rabbi Weiss grabbed her hand and squeezed it. "We cannot change the past. You need to accept that. And when you do - then, you can focus on the future."

Esther looked back down at her lap, studying her jeans with the faint doodles of happier times still etched on them.

"So I'm just supposed to ignore what happened?"

"No. But you need to accept that whatever has happened, be it good or bad, has already happened. There's nothing to be done about the past, but you can always change the future."

"So how am I supposed to accept what happened? I am- I feel I am responsible for Keith's death. I can't forgive myself…"

"Do you regret what happened?"

Esther nodded.

"Have you prayed about it? Confessed to G-d?"

Technically, a god she thought but nodded.

"You're already mostly there. Do you remember the last step for forgiveness?"

"Don't…do it again and do better?"

It was the Rabbi's turn to nod. "Exactly. You can find ways to help others. That might make you feel better. It isn't good to dwell on past mistakes that much, especially if it hurts you. You don't have to punish yourself for something that was out of your control."

A box of tissues was pushed across the desk. Esther only then realized she had been crying.

Esther took a tissue, wiped her tears, and blew her nose. But the tears t continued to stream down her face. Snot dribbled out her nose. It felt good to cry like this - to let out a sound like a wounded animal. She hadn't cried like this since that day.

Where her throat felt raw from sobbing, and her vision seemed almost permanently bleary from the tears. She hadn't been able to cry like this at home, without worrying about her dad. And she had been afraid to do it with her therapist, afraid that they would take her away to one of those cold, impersonal psych wards where she would inevitably end up dead at her own hands, or that of Zellogi.

But Rabbi Weiss wouldn't do that.

It might have been five minutes, ten, fifteen, or half an hour, Esther wasn't sure. Time no longer had any real meaning, unless she was counting down the moments from writing a name in the Death Note.

But soon enough her tears ran dry and her sobs were reduced to little more than hiccups.

Esther looked at the mound of wadded tissues that had accumulated in and around the garbage can. She sniffled.

"Feeling better?"

Esther nodded.

"Sometimes that's all you need, a good cry."

There was silence after that. Esther bit her lip, wanting to say something more but wanting to stop the nonsense, or worse her secret from coming out of her mouth.

"You have a question."

Damn. She was good. Esther nodded, slowly trying to think of the right words to say.

"I-if you know you are doing something wrong, like morally wrong but you're doing it to protect other people…is it okay to keep doing it?"

Esther wasn't sure if she was looking for the rabbi to give her some definite answer about the morality of her actions or if she just needed to get everything out of her system.

"Well - that's a difficult question…That depends on what the morally wrong thing is."

"W-w-what Kira is doing."

Rabbi Weiss looked at her, eyebrow raised for a moment that seemed to last forever but eventually spoke. "Well, the Talmud is actually pretty clear on this. Murder is generally bad…and who is to decide that one life is worth more than others?"

It felt like a rock had settled in her stomach.

"One person cannot be the only arbitrator of justice," Rabbi Weiss continued. "It's one thing to kill a person who is directly threatening your life - but it's another for one person to decide whether another person is worthy of living…But what brings this up?"

"I-I guess I was thinking about my great-grandma. The one who worked for the Resistance. What Kira is doing is making me think of what she did."

"If you want my opinion as a rabbi, then I would say - she was doing it to protect herself and fellow Jews. We've fought before to keep our identities and communities intact and we will continue to do it. If you want my personal opinion: fuck the Nazis. What she did was right. But what Kira is doing is different."

Esther nodded, somehow feeling less certain about right and wrong than she had when she came in. She began standing up, "T-thank you. That's helpful. I have some thinking to do…"

Rabbi Weiss stood up as well, "Let me walk you out."

"Thanks, but I'm good…" she started to collect her sweater and purse.

The rabbi came around the desk and stood next to her. "Look. Your father is worried about you. He says you're not sleeping. He hears you having nightmares…and that he thinks you're talking to yourself…"

Hot anger of betrayal rose up in her. She couldn't tell if she was angrier at herself, for letting the facade slip and having her dad worry, or angrier at her dad, who dumped her off at the synagogue. She was scared that her secret would be revealed somehow. She heard Zellogi laugh.

Laugh.

Mockingly.

Her hand began to clench into a fist.

"Esther…"

BAM!

Her fist slammed into a certificate in a faux-ornate gold frame that fell to the floor, glass shattering.

She stood there for a moment trying to process what had happened. She could feel a sharp stabbing pain in her hand - but her mind wasn't properly registering it.

"I-I-I-I gotta go," she said.

She rushed out of the office, and out of the synagogue - chest heavy and vision blurry with tears. She didn't make it far - just to a grassy patch next to the children's playground before she collapsed onto the cool, soft grass.

Her mind was awash with a million different thoughts, all going at different speeds, overlapping with each other.

Why did dad have to talk to the rabbi about her? What was dad most worried about? Was he going to send her away? Did he suspect something? Did he know - somehow? If he did, would he report her? Were other people suspicious? Did her dad overhear her talking to Kira?! What would he think? What did the rabbi think of her reaction? Would she come after her? Would she be forced…

Everything was spinning. Esther felt as though she could feel the Earth turn in real-time. She clutched at the grass desperately, trying to find something to hold on to - to anchor herself.

"Esther."

The voice was distant, echoey, and hard to identify. But it wasn't Zellogi's. Where was that fucker anyway?

"Esther."

Esther just curled her knees into her chest trying to ignore it. She put her hands over her ears, hoping to drown out the sound.. She just needed things to stop - just for a moment. The beating of the sun on her face, the itch of the grass on her hands and bare ankles, the clammy sweat that was gathering on the nape of her neck, and her hand.

It was all too much.

"Esther."

Why couldn't she fucking breathe? It was like a heavy weight was placed on her chest - and that amplified everything. She could hear her own heartbeat. Every contraction the muscle made as it pumped blood, in and out - she swore she could feel it.

A hand, warm and strong, touched her shoulder, and a second supported her back. The pressure felt calming.

"Come on. Take a deep breath in. Right through the nose."

Esther's vision was still blurry, and the voice sounded so distant but she listened.

"Hold it for five seconds. Now breathe out."

Esther did as the voice said.

Part of her hated the fact that it seemed to be working - it sounded so ridiculous, so simple. But as she repeated the cycle one, two, three, four more times - everything seemed to calm down.

Her heart slowed. Her vision began to slowly clear - so she could make out her hands, the blades of grass, and the kind-looking face of the boy sitting next to. It took her a moment, but then she recognized it.

Isaac. Becca's older brother.

"Here let me help you sit up."

Just as Esther was about to ask why he was there - Becca came running from the parking lot, a look of worry on her face.

"Oh my god, Es…are you okay?"

"Give her some space, Becca. She's having a panic attack."

A panic attack?

"No…no…I'm okay," Esther said, finally getting some words out. She felt her heart start to beat rapidly, as the world started to spin again.

"Esther. This is going to sound weird, but tell me five things you see."

What? The world was spinning - everything was a blur. She stared at Isaac, hoping he would be able to tell she was confused.

"Five things that you see, they can be anything. It's a good grounding exercise."

Esther took another breath, held it in and looked around. As she exhaled, the world seemed to slow - and though blurry - things were starting to become clearer. "I see…the grass, I see the swingset on the playground. I see the clouds. I see that lemon tree that never grew any lemons. And I see…my feet."

"Good. Now tell me four things you can feel…"

That was even more confusing than before - but her legs still felt like cement and her palms were still sweaty so she complied. "I feel the sun on my neck. I feel the grass. I feel my clothes and the sweat on my hands…"

Was that right?

The exercise continued. He asked her the things she could hear - it took her a moment not to say Zellogi's annoying voice, then what she could smell and then what she could taste. That last one was the hardest…But it worked.

Her heart was no longer pounding away in her chest and she could see clearly. It was then she felt a sharp, stabbing pain in her right hand. "I-I-I'm bleeding."

"Yeah…" Becca said. "You're just noticing that now?"

Esther just rolled her eyes.

"Let's get you to the car - I have a first aid kit there," Isaac said.

Becca slipped Esther's arm over her shoulder and helped her to Isaac's car, a beat-up but dependable Subaru that was getting old enough to have its own driver's license. He cleaned and wrapped her wound, while Becca caught her up on gossip - Julie Klein had started dating Peter Reilly, their math teacher had gotten a divorce, and a fairly well-known food blogger had visited her family's bakery.

"Why is this the first time I'm hearing about this?"

Becca shrugged, "You don't like attention. If you knew you would have been worrying about it. Beside your dad -"

"Why is my dad talking to everyone but me?!"

Becca sighed. "I don't know…I do know that he cares."

"Can you try to sound less like my therapist?" Esther leaned her head against the headrest and looked out the window. She was so close to feeling almost normal. Like she had before everything happened. It felt good.

But still, she could feel the Death Note jostle in her purse - she never left without it, too nervous that somebody else would discover it, even though nobody ever went into her room without permission and Zellogi was still looming over her 24/7.

"Do you still want to hang?" Becca asked.

"Yes, please. I think…that'll be good."

After being stalked by a mass murderer and finding out her dad had been worrying about her - maybe just spending some time with her friend would help her feel better - more so than talking to some authority figure who couldn't possibly understand anything she had been going through.

And even though she couldn't tell Becca everything - she knew better than her dad, rabbi, and therapist about that day. So at least there was that.

During the ride to her house, Esther was able to pretend just for a bit that everything was completely normal. That everything was okay.