Severus' Daughter: Year One
Chapter 15: Visiting a Grave
Severus woke blearily, his eyes and cheeks sore, and his heart torn. He looked at the chair besides his bed and was shocked, somewhat, to find Regulus still sitting there, despite everything that had happened between them. And the sight of the man he had once loved, and loved achingly again now that he could remember everything, with his head in his hands and his shoulders shaking slightly broke him even more.
"You stayed," he said, his voice hoarse.
Regulus looked up at him with pain, love, and shock in his eyes.
"Of course I stayed, Sev. I… Merlin Sev, you just remembered our baby boy. You're in pain, of course I stayed," Regulus said, gently taking hold of Severus' hand and intertwining their fingers.
Severus' throat bobbed with emotions threatening to spill out of him again.
"I'm sorry," Severus said.
"Sev, you have nothing to be sorry for. I'm sorry for not pushing through whatever was stopping me from realising something was wrong. I'm sorry for not realising that you actually didn't remember. I'm sorry for not sticking with you despite everything. I should have tried harder. I should have fought for you harder. I should have done something to make you remember… I don't know, really. I just know I should have done better by you and our son. Our little Rowan Leo Black,"
Severus choked on a sob at the mention of their baby boy's name.
Regulus pulled him into his strong, warm arms and he sank into the comfort, trying desperately to pull himself together, but not being able to. He could feel Regulus' tears falling into his hair, but he didn't care. They were both a mess.
They were messes who hadn't had the time or opportunity to heal.
Not that you could ever truly heal from this. But it was meant to get better… right? With time it was meant to get better.
But Severus was right back at the beginning. To his mind his little Rowan had been dead for only a week. A week was all he had known his baby for before his mind was altered to forget him. And now he remembered again and despite the fact that fifteen years had passed it was all so fresh to his broken mind.
And Regulus had been forced to deal with it alone. Because no one knew. No one remembered. No one apart from him. So he didn't have closure. He didn't have help. He didn't have love, and guidance, and care, and everything else he may have needed to help him.
It was all fucked up in the worst way possible.
When Severus calmed down enough to realise that his mother wasn't there with them he leant into Regulus a little more, "Where's mum?"
"She went to your home for a bit to get you some things and check on… Rosalie," Regulus said gently.
Severus' throat bobbed again at the reminder of his daughter.
His daughter who had to die.
His daughter who was raised like a pig for slaughter.
"She has to die," Severus cried into Regulus' shoulder, and he felt Regulus stiffen in shock.
"What? Why?" Regulus asked, squeezing Severus in his arms a bit tighter and rubbing his back gently.
"The Dark Lord created Horcruxes-"
"I know, I have one of them and have been trying to destroy it for years," Regulus said, Severus pulled back slightly and looked at him in shock.
"You have one? How?"
"I found out he had created them because he used Kreacher, my House Elf, to place one in its hiding spot. I took Kreacher and we retrieved it. We have been trying to destroy it ever since, and find the others, but it is hard going when I am spending a lot of time at work, and trying to research ways to destroy it and where the others might be," Regulus said.
"Rosie's a Horcrux. An accidental one. She has a piece of his soul in her," Severus whispered painfully.
Regulus looked at him with shock and pain, "Does Dumbledore know?"
"Yes. That is why he removed our memories of her again and placed her with Lily's sister who hates magic. So that she would think she was worthless and offer herself up to the Dark Lord to d-die," Severus said, his voice shaking.
"That bloody man," Regulus growled before tugging Severus close to him again, "It's okay, Sev. We will find a way to destroy the one in her without killing her. I promise. We have one to practise on, and if we all work together we can find the others so we have more to practise on, too. We will find something," he said, his voice soothing and gentle as he rubbed Severus' back in much the same way he did when Severus was in labour with their baby.
Their little Rowan.
"Where is he? Where is Rowan?" Severus asked desperately.
"In our special place, in the forest. I'll take you there when you are ready. I promise,"
"I want to go now,"
"Sev,"
"No, please, I need this. I need to be with him. I need to know where he is. Please. Reg, please, take me," Severus pleaded desperately.
Regulus swallowed deeply and nodded slowly, "Okay. I'll take you,"
Severus relaxed against him, even more so when he helped him into his shoes and wrapped a robe around him. Regulus helped him stand and held his hand as he led him out of the castle and towards the part of the forest which you could enter from the lake. He led the slightly shaking man to their little clearing which they had spent many a weekend in, just the two of them, reading, dancing, loving each other, working on things, whatever they wanted really. It was a stunning place, filled with lavender flowers, bright green grass, fireflies which lit the place up at night, and old metal garden furniture that was comfortable and had vines growing around it and joining it to the ground.
It also was the place he had buried their son when everyone forgot that their baby existed. And when Severus forgot their special place existed.
He led Severus over to the little large stone he had carved with their baby's name and planted in the ground at the head of the tiny grave. It was at the base of their tree, the one they often found themselves resting against as they studied or just talked.
Severus collapsed to his knees in front of the stone and Regulus fell with him. Severus' sobs and cries of pain tore the hole in Regulus' heart open wider.
"I'm sorry, baby," Severus cried quietly, "I'm so sorry I forgot you. I didn't want to. I didn't mean to. I-I love you so much. And I am so sorry I forgot that,"
Severus laid down with his head next to the stone and his shaking hand on the ground in front of it, right above their Rowan, and Regulus couldn't stop the extra tears from flowing as he did the same opposite Severus, though his hand rested on top of Sev's.
"Sev, it's not your fault," Regulus said.
"I shouldn't have let him obliviate me," Severus whispered.
"You didn't know, Sev. You didn't know what he was going to do, did you?"
Severus shook his head.
He remembered it like it was yesterday.
He was in the hospital wing, alone, holding his little boy's body in his arms and praying that he didn't ever have to let go. Praying for some miracle that would give him back his baby.
Then Albus came along and started a conversation, telling him how 'sorry' he was for his loss.
And then it happened, he was hit with an obliviate and he couldn't remember Rowan or Regulus anymore. Well, he remembered Regulus, but he didn't remember how much they had loved each other. He was just an acquaintance once his memory had been altered.
Nothing more.
But definitely less with all the horrid things Severus had said to him after that moment.
Horrid things that Severus would have never, ever said if he had been in his right mind. Not to him. And not about their son. Their baby.
He never even loved Lily like that, she was always more of a sister to him than anything, until his mind was altered. Then everything changed. Everything shattered.
And everything has shattered once again.
He was done with it to be honest.
Done with the world.
Done with Albus.
Done with life.
He just wanted his baby boy back, and for his baby girl to not have to die for some bloody war that she should have no part in in the first place.
But that wasn't going to happen.
He had lost everything.
He was going to keep losing everything.
There was no hope.
"I heard, not that long ago, that when you become pregnant, your body holds onto the DNA. The baby helps you, it helps to fix parts of you that need to be healed for whatever reason. Which is why many people feel stronger during their pregnancies. Because the baby is making them stronger, from the moment they fall pregnant. And that DNA, it sticks around even when the baby is no longer in you… He never left you, Sev, not even when your memories of him were stolen from you," Regulus said gently.
Regulus held Severus' hand tighter as the shaking and cries increased.
"Rowan never left his mummy," Regulus whispered, "And Rosalie won't be leaving you either, because we will find a way, Sev. I promise you we will find a way to get rid of that blasted soul shard without having to destroy her,"
"How?" everything was so hopeless.
He felt so dead.
So, so much pain.
He felt so lost.
"I don't know. But we are both smart people, so is your mum, and Remus and Sirius. We will figure it out. We will get others to help. The goblins might know something, or they will be able to help us find something if they don't already know a way. Or there are other creatures with different magics who might be able to help. But we will find something to save your daughter. No matter what it takes, we will do it," Regulus said fiercely.
"I want Rowan back. I want our baby," Severus whispered through his tears.
"I know, Sev. I know. I want him back, too. But we will be with him again, one day. When we're old and grey, and have protected his little sister from everything that threatens to hurt her. Then we can watch over everything like he has been doing all these years, but we will be with him to do so. One day,"
"Why can't it be now?" Severus said and it tore at Regulus' heart again.
"Because you have a little girl to look after, and she needs you. And because I'm sure our little Rowan would like to see his mummy have a good life, and grow old, and maybe give him a few more siblings to watch over and protect. He knows you love him, Sev, and he knows it's not your fault that you forgot him. And he loves you, and he will be happy to see you again, when the time is right for you to pass on. But that day isn't today,"
"He shouldn't have passed on,"
"I know, Sev. I know. No parent should ever have to watch their child die before them. It's unnatural. It's not right. But it happens. Unfortunately. It is a terrible thing, horrendous even. This is a pain that no one should ever have to bear. But we aren't alone now. We can bear it together. And one day, our baby boy will be in our arms again. He never left you, Sev. He is still in you. In your heart, in your mind, in your body. And he never will,"
"It hurts too much,"
"I know, Sev. It hurts more than anything else in the world. But we aren't alone now. We can get through this. One step at a time,"
"I'm sorry you were alone," Severus said, his voice strained and quiet.
"It's not your fault, Sev,"
"It feels like it is, though,"
They stayed in silence for a while. Mostly anyway, their sniffles pierced the silence, along with the rustle of the trees in the late summer breeze.
When the sky started to darken, Regulus sat up slowly, still holding Severus' hand.
"We should get back to the castle. Your mother is probably back by now and worrying about you,"
"No, I don't want to leave," Severus practically whined as tears still spilled down his cheeks.
"I know. But we can come back. He isn't going anywhere, Sev. But your mother is probably panicking by now, and actually killing Dumbledore in her worry. So we should get you back to bed, then you can rest, and heal some before we come back,"
"But he's so tiny, what if he's cold," Severus said, seeming to be elsewhere, and it killed Regulus to see the lost look in his dark eyes.
"I made sure to put loads of warming charms on him, don't worry, Sev. He is very comfortable. Our baby boy is okay. He's safe. And he knows we love him so very much," Regulus said.
Severus nodded and allowed Regulus to tug him into a sitting position. He knelt in front of the stone and touched it shakily.
"I'm sorry, baby, for everything. Mummy loves you, so much," Severus said, and then he stood suddenly, tugging Regulus with him, and they started walking back to the castle.
As soon as Minerva saw them, when they entered the entrance hall, she pulled Severus into her arms and held him close.
"Where have you been? I've been so worried," she said gently.
"Rowan," was all Severus said.
Minerva's eyes widened slightly as she looked at Regulus over Severus' shoulder. Regulus nodded slightly to answer her unasked question.
Severus fell asleep almost as soon as he climbed back into bed, Regulus collapsed into his chair, and Minerva into a chair on the other side of the bed, holding Severus' hand.
"Rowan?" Minerva asked quietly.
"Rowan Leo Black," Regulus whispered, his voice almost cracking.
Hiya, how are you all?
I hope you all enjoyed this very emotional chapter. I am a bit of a mess at the moment, as you can probably tell from all of the emotions I poor into my work. So, who will be Severus' forever partner? Will he be able to repair his relationship with Regulus and heal enough to be with him? Or will it be one Bill Weasley? There are only two votes in it so a very close call, and if you want to add some votes to the mix, feel free to drop a comment, I may very well add them to my tally just to spice things up a little. But the winner is not going to be announced yet, you will just have to read the story and see where it goes I guess. And yes, in this chapter Severus does talk about loving Regulus again, but things are strained, difficult, different, and confusing now. So it can still go either way.
Also, if I were to set up a Spotify and make playlists for all of my stories would anyone be interested? They would include songs that remind me of the story in some way, give away little easter eggs for what is to come in the story with some of their lyrics, or songs that just fit. It will be a very eclectic mix of songs because I listen to a variety of music. But I have so many songs that make me think of my stories and I want to share them, if people are interested anyway.
I also have a Facebook group called Maraudering_Paige which you can all join if you want to and are able to. It is where we can talk about Harry Potter, fanfics, life, share memes, and more. It is also where I have an update schedule and will be keeping you up to date on what I am working on, both original works, fanfics, and other bits and pieces I am working on. So if you want to join then I am more than happy to accept you.
I hope you are all having an amazing day!
Kind regards,
Paige xx