Severus' Daughter: Year One

Chapter 17: The Passing of Time

Severus was sat in the garden, on the ground, his back against a tree and his legs pulled to his chest. It was the thirty-first of August, and realistically he should already be back at Hogwarts, preparing for the next school year. And yet he was still at home, and so was his mother. Which shocked him, and also didn't. He rather imagined that she wouldn't want to be back at the school so soon after attacking the Headmaster, again, when she received her true memories.

It had been a rough few weeks for all of them. The day after he came home from the infirmary his mother, Sirius and Remus all went to the bank to get their memories returned to them. Their true memories. And emotions had been high since. Especially when, a week later, he gathered the courage to tell his daughter about her older half-brother, and what happened to break him and Regulus up, and why he ended up with her mother.

It had been hard to get through that. He was crying. She was crying. She felt like she didn't belong here, that she didn't belong in the world because the only reason she was born was because his love for her mother was fabricated by a man who was meant to be her grandfather. Because that man decided to play with Severus' feelings, to change him, to remove the most precious things in his life until he felt he had no choice but to love Lily.

And he did love her. But he had only ever loved her as a sister… until his memories were altered. Then he was in love with her.

It made him cringe, sort of, to even think about it, to be honest. And yet he wouldn't change his daughter for anything in the world. He just wished his son was there, too.

It was hard, getting through it. Getting through to her that she did belong, that he loved her, that he wanted her, that he wouldn't change her for anything. But she understood, he hoped, now that she had a place in the world. With the help of him reminding her, along with everyone else in the family.

He was grateful that Regulus was still there. Beyond grateful really. He wasn't sure what he would be like if he wasn't here. Though he would completely understand if he had just left. And they were, very slowly, patching things up. He hoped anyway.

He didn't like how unsure he was now. Of everything.

It made him feel uneasy.

And it hurt.

Everything hurt.

"There you are," a gentle voice startled him out of his whirling thoughts, and he looked up to find Regulus slowly walking over to him, a small smile on his face.

And soon the slightly younger man was sitting next to him.

"Sev," Regulus said softly.

Severus sighed shakily, "I don't want to go back. And I don't want Rosalie anywhere near him. But it's been too late for anywhere else for at least a month now. And," he breathed deeply, "I know, logically that it might be a safe space for her, from the Dark Lord anyway. But I… It hurts too much. And I also know that maybe I should go back, to protect the other students, especially Longbottom, and maybe to unravel everything properly. To truly fuck shit up for him by being my true self rather than the man I've pretended to be as his spy, but Merlin I don't know if I can,"

"Well, he has no reason to speak to Rosalie unless it is about major school things. If he tries then we can make sure everyone knows she isn't to speak to him, especially not alone. I'm not going to make you go alone, Sev. I will be there, too. And Minerva will be there, too. Plus, we are working with Sirius, the goblins, and hopefully Lucius, too, to gather more evidence and punish him. Hopefully he won't be there much longer. From what I've read about the castle though, she may be sentient, which, theoretically, means the castle herself might be able to do something to get rid of him. But you won't be alone. I won't leave your side if you don't want me to. And whatever House our Little Snake ends up in, we will make sure she has people with her at all times. Even if we need to get some house elves following her discreetly, or the portraits and ghosts to keep an eye on her. And we have emergency portkeys on all of us. I know we won't be completely safe, but we are as safe as we can be. And, hopefully he will have enough sense not to do anything else after everything that we already know. Especially not when the school is full," Regulus said calmly.

"I know all that, I just… Why…? You said 'our Little Snake'," Severus said, looking at Regulus in awe to find the other man smiling at him still.

"Yes, well, she needs two parents, right? I have to admit that I don't understand why she calls you 'mummy', but I'm not mad about it. It suits you," he said wistfully, "You are the most amazing mummy, to both our children. And, I know neither of us want to replace Lily, and we won't. But she deserves a family, a proper one. And I think we do, too. If you… if you are okay with that, anyway. I never was able to get over you, Sev. I still love you more than life itself. And I love our son, and I love Rosalie as if she were my own. Which is weird, perhaps, because I haven't known her long, but she has this energy and kindness that just drags you in. And I am so bloody sorry that I didn't fight harder for you, that I didn't realise that something was actually going on. But if I did then Rosie probably wouldn't be here, or she would, but she would be different. And I don't think either of us would want her to be different-"

Severus didn't really know what was going through his head when he cut the rambling off with a kiss, but he didn't care.

"I… I love you, too. I-I didn't want to stop. And I don't think I really did stop. I always thought I was missing something, someone. I just… it was confusing. But now… It's still confusing, but I know I love you," Severus breathed, the palm of his hand covering Regulus' cheek and his long fingers reaching into the dark hair of the grinning man.

"Well, we can take as long as you need to figure things out. I will be here, though, every step of the way. I promise. Always," Regulus said, his voice almost a whisper.

"Always," Severus whispered back as Regulus pulled him in gently for another kiss, this one a tad more passionate than the previous, their fingers tangling in each other's hair.

Then they were sitting, holding each other as they relaxed in the last of the summer air.

"How did Little Snake start calling you 'mummy' anyway?" Regulus asked quietly.

Severus snorted, "She found out I was a bearer, demanded a handful of siblings from me, then asked what the siblings would call me if I were to bear them. I explained that whoever bore the children was the mother, and whoever sired them would be the father. She then proceeded to say that it would be confusing for her future siblings if she were to continue calling me 'dad' whilst they called me 'mum', so she asked if she could call me that instead. And I said she could," Severus shrugged, sighing again as he leaned against the strong chest of the man who held him. The man whose hand slowly crept towards his flat stomach, causing his breath to hitch slightly, even as his own hand joined it.

"One day we could…" Regulus whispered, "We could try again, one day, if you wanted to," he sounded so pained and unsure that it tore into Severus' heart.

"It's funny," Severus huffed painfully, "When she said all that, I didn't even mind. I was almost excited about the possibility of finding someone to have a large family with, even though I thought it ludicrous because who would ever want to be with me. Let alone have a family with me. But now I… Now I remember him, our baby, I am so fucking scared. What if it happens again? What if I lose our baby again? I can't… I don't know if I would survive that again,"

"Sev, it wasn't your fault. What happened to Rowan, it wasn't your fault. Nothing about any of this is your fault. And if… if something were to happen again, Sev, it wouldn't be your fault. I know… I know it would be the most difficult thing in the world, but I won't leave you, not again, not ever. You won't be alone for even a second if I have anything to say about it. And hopefully, by that point, Dumbles will be gone so we will be safe, or safer anyway. But Sev, if you… if you don't think you can have any more kids then that is fine, too. Whatever happens, it will all be up to you. I won't pressure you into anything. And I won't leave your side, no matter what. If you fall pregnant, then we will do everything we can to make sure you and our baby are safe, and if anything happens, it will never be your fault, but I will be with you for all of it. I promise," Regulus said, his thumb gently rubbing Severus' stomach.

Severus felt tears fill his eyes as he twined his fingers with Regulus' on his stomach, "We don't even know why, Reg? Why was he born early? Why did he die? Why? It might be… It might be my f-fault,"

"No, Sev, no. It will never be your fault. We will find out why, no matter what, I promise. But it was never your fault, Sev. You loved him so much, from the moment we found out about him. You did everything you could to make sure you were both healthy, and safe. Everything. He was healthy. He was thriving. He was okay. And I will do everything I can to find out why you went into labour early, and why he died. I will. But no matter what happens, it was never your fault, Sev. And I know it will take a while for you to believe me, but I will tell you however many times you need to hear it, more than that even," Regulus said, kissing Severus' hair gently and pulling him close.

"I'm the one that went into labour too early," Severus muttered.

"Yes, but you did everything you could to prevent that, Sev. You were both healthy. And we will find out what happened, then maybe you will believe us that it wasn't your fault,"

Severus just nodded, trying to get a hold of his emotions.

"I want babies with you, Reg. One day. I just… I'm terrified that they will leave me, too," Severus whispered.

"So am I," Regulus whispered back, "But no matter what happens, I will be here with you through it all. I promise. I love you, Sev. Always,"

"I love you, too. Always," Severus said, throat bobbing as he turned his head to kiss Regulus again.

…

"Mum," Rosalie said as she laid in her bed that night and Severus tucked her in for perhaps the final time.

"Yes, Little Snake?" Severus said gently.

"I was just wondering if you and Regulus were officially together now? I saw you outside together earlier and you looked like maybe you were," she said.

Severus smiled sadly at her, "Yes, we are together now,"

"Good," she beamed at him, "Does that mean I can actually ask for a younger sibling for Christmas or my birthday now?" she gave him a cheeky smirk.

"Maybe one day, Little Snake," he said, his voice cracking slightly even as he tried to smile at her.

"One day," she nodded, "I'm sorry, mum," she said when she noticed the pain in Severus' eyes.

"No, baby, it's fine. You did nothing wrong. I'm just… It's still a bit fresh," he said gently as he ran his fingers through her hair.

"You don't have to give me siblings if you don't want to. I promise. I understand," she said.

"I want to give you siblings, Little Snake. I just," he sighed, "One day,"

She nodded solemnly.

"Goodnight, Rosalie," he said gently, kissing her forehead.

"Goodnight, mummy," she said, smiling at him as she snuggled into her thin summer blanket and promptly fell asleep.

He smiled slightly for a few seconds, then left the room, closing the door quietly behind him and leaning back against it, letting out a shaky sigh as he closed his eyes.

"Severus, are you alright?" Sirius said from a few feet away.

"Hm, fine," Severus said as he pushed himself off the door and went to move towards his bedroom, only to be stopped by Sirius' hand on his arm.

"Sev, I… Are you avoiding me?" Sirius asked, concern in his eyes as Severus turned to look at him.

"No. Why would you think that?" Severus said defensively.

"I just… I know you've been hurting and everything, and I know it won't ever really go away. But since you got back you haven't been talking to me, you barely even look at me. I… Sev, you're one of my best friends, and you can talk to me about anything. You know that. I… I also know how it feels to lose a child. Maybe not in the same way as you, but it was bloody awful nonetheless. And I know how much pain you are in. Because I am there, too. I am here for you, Sev, no matter what. And I… Is it because Remus and I are trying again? Is that why you won't say anything to me?"

"No, Sirius. I'm happy that you and Remus are trying again. I truly am. I just… I barely know what to say as it is. My mind is just too… full, and messy, and I can barely think straight. I'm not really doing that at all actually… I just don't know what to say. What am I supposed to say? I can't…" he trailed off, unsure of what to say, "I'm sorry you're in pain, too. I'm sorry it happened to you. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. I'm sorry,"

"You have nothing to be sorry for, Sev. I understand. Just… Just try to remember that you're not alone. Even if you need to take a weekend off work and come home, we'll be here for you. Always," Sirius said gently.

"Always," Severus nodded, "I wish you and Remus all the best with the baby making. I really do,"

"I know. Thank you, though," Sirius beamed.

"Goodnight, Siri,"

"Goodnight, Sev,"

And soon Severus was in his bed, ensconced in Regulus' safe arms, and wondering how time had passed so quickly. And why it had to.

Hiya, how are you all?

I hope you enjoyed the chapter. How is the beginning of term going to go I wonder? And how long is it going to take them to finally punish the old coot? We shall have to see. Though I would like to hear your thoughts on what you think is going to happen, or things you would like to happen ;)

As of yesterday I am now 25 years old, and I, of course, celebrated by treating myself to some more tattoos. I just find them so relaxing that I can't help myself. I also like shocking my tattoo artist with how much tattoos do not hurt me. Even in places that are meant to really hurt. Either I have some very messed up nerves (which like I knew I had some nerve damage but not that much) or I am just weird. Or too used to pain to care about it really. Who knows? But hey, you may be able to guess one of my new ones by reading this chapter.

Anywho, I posted an essay/petition where I (un)officially explain why I think I should be cast as my favourite character, Severus Snape, in the new HBO series, despite the fact that I am a woman. It would mean a lot if you went and read it, but no pressure. It isn't going to lead to anything, unless, by some miracle, it goes viral, but it was fun to write. It is on my AO3, Maraudering_Paige. Feel free to go and check it out.

Also, I am working on some Spotify playlists for my fanfics, so if you can think of any songs you think work with the stories as they are so far, or where you think they are going, or songs that give you the vibes you get from the stories, then please do let me know and I will give them a listen, then potentially add them to the playlists. I will let you know as soon as they are ready, though it may take a few weeks because life.

I have a Facebook group called Maraudering_Paige which you are all welcome to join if you would like to and are able to. It is where we can talk about Harry Potter, fanfics, life, share memes and more. It is also where I have somewhat of an update schedule for my fics and will be keeping you up to date on what I am working on, in regards to fanfics, original works, and more things. So if you are interested in joining then I am more than happy to accept you all.

I also now have a TikTok and an Instagram for my fanfic writing escapades. The username is maraudering_paige on both of them so feel free to follow me, and we shall see how often and what kinds of content I can post when I can. But it is another way for me to keep you all up to date if you don't have Facebook and such, and for me to spread the word about other things I am working on and things I want to do and such. So yeah, feel free to join me on those if you are able.

If there are any other platforms you think I should join you all on then let me know and I will have a think.

I hope you are having an amazing day!

Kind regards,

Paige xx