AN: Enjoy the chapter folks! Be sure to leave a review when you finish!
EDITED 5/24/18
Berserk
Chapter Thirty Three
{i'll ask of the Berserks, you tasters of blood}
Her bag feels heavier than before. Not for an increase of things, but because something has changed suddenly, with her and Natsu especially. It's not unpleasant, just heavy, some kind of tension thick in the air. She isn't sure what it is or what it means, it's simply there, wrapped around them like a warm blanket, pleasant for a time, but easily becoming stifling and too hot—nearly suffocating. It's nothing he's done, Natsu being gentle and patient with her since she woke up, a constant reassuring presence that she's come to rely on, in some ways.
He's been watching her since she came to, hardly leaving her side unless necessary, and Lucy doesn't mind. What happened at the pub terrified her, Lucy afraid that if she closes her eyes, she won't wake up again. It's a nagging feeling in her gut, something ice cold and bitter that makes panic well in her throat. He's always there to soothe her anxiety, a reassuring hand on her back as he whispers to her, calming her.
It's been days since she woke up, and she knows he's grown restless waiting like this, Natsu not enjoying being cooped up in Magi's home. When he's not at her side, he's pacing the halls, still stiff from sitting in one place for so long. He'd denied it, of course, but Katya was quick to tell her that Natsu absolutely refused to leave her side while she was being consumed by the venom in her veins, picking a fight when Magi first tried to make him leave. Natsu didn't argue with that, green eyes locked with hers, something heavy and heated in his gaze. He looked at her like she would disappear, and it made her stomach churn at the thought.
She hadn't meant to scare him. That's the last thing she would ever want to do to him, but she couldn't help it, couldn't control the magic in her blood, slowly worming through her entire body, eating away at her until nothing was left, until she was almost gone. Katya whispered to her that her heart stopped only for a moment, but it was enough to send Natsu into a blind frenzy, the Berserk releasing a low, mournful sound and looking ready to snap before she began breathing again.
She's glad he stopped himself. She wouldn't know what to do if something happened to him because of her. Lucy would never forgive herself for that.
Natsu's fingers suddenly squeeze around hers as he drops into a crouch before her, head tilted up to meet her eyes, searching her expression for anything concerning. She smiles back at him as best she can, knowing it's wobbly. She hasn't been smiling much lately, too tired and shaken by recent events, slowly coming to realize that she was dying for nearly two months, her mind and body taken over by a type of magical parasite, darkness feeding off her Fae blood.
If she was completely human, Lucy thinks she would be dead right now.
Again, Natsu squeezes her hand, slipping his fingers through hers gently. She grips him back, managing a slightly stronger smile, wanting him to know she's okay. He doesn't look convinced, however. Natsu's eyes narrow only a hair, his gaze darkening as he stares up at her, looking through her front.
"How are you feeling?" he asks softly, raising their entwined hands so that her knuckles graze his lips. Natsu holds her hand there, warm breath fanning over her chilled fingers, breathing life back into her cold bones and burning her from the inside out. His concern is palpable, Lucy practically able to taste it in the air, it's so thick around them.
Sighing, Lucy wiggles out of his grip, her hands coming up to rest against his cheeks, thumbs ghosting his skin. He leans into her, one hand coming up to curl around his wrist, holding her against him. Her lips twitch up into a small, honest smile for the first time in days, Lucy at peace with herself. "I'm fine, Natsu," she promises, feeling better than she has in weeks.
"You said that before," he reminds her, not unkindly. There's a pointed note to his words, and Natsu looks almost afraid as he locks eyes with her, pinning her in place with a single look. Natsu looks at her like she might fall apart, like she's strong for staying in one piece. But she isn't strong, not really.
Wincing, Lucy starts to pull away, feeling like she's just been slapped. There's a sting that comes with his words, a reminder that she lied to him once, even if it wasn't intentional. "I did, didn't I," she murmurs back, shifting her gaze from his and beginning to curl in on herself.
Natsu doesn't let her go far.
He catches her hand before she can pull away, keeping her pressed against his cheek even as her other hand falls back to her lap, looking small and pale against the dark blanket tossed over her lower half, her legs dangling off the side of the bed. He squeezes her fingers, eyes apologetic. "Lucy," he murmurs, "I didn't mean that."
"It's okay," she tells him, thumb sweeping across his cheek reassuringly. Though it smarts, Lucy knows she has more to apologize for than he does. She lied to him for weeks, hiding things like she didn't trust him. But she does, more than she trusts herself sometimes. "I probably deserved it," she tries to joke, but it falls flat, neither of them finding the humor to her words.
Natsu shakes his head, looking up at her sadly. "You didn't," he replies, thumb rubbing over her knuckles as his hand slides up, fingers tangling with hers. He winces, swallowing hard before wetting his lips. "You almost died, Lucy," he whispers to her, gaze heartbreaking when he looks at her. "Your freewill was bent against you and you almost died for it." She winces and he shivers. "I won't make you feel bad for that," he promises.
"I should have tried harder," she argues, shaking her head slowly, wincing when she sees the hard look in his eyes. Lucy looks away from him, swallowing. Her free hand fists in her lap, her nails digging into her palm.
She should have fought. That's what Natsu would have done. He was fighting that collar every time he wore it, determined not to let in consume him, even though it inevitably would. He fought, and Lucy just let it worm its way into her bones, controlling her from the inside out, allowing it to kill her slowly.
As if hearing her thoughts, Natsu stands suddenly, looming over her for a moment before dropping onto the bed beside her, a knee pressed against her outer thigh "Hey," he coos, reaching out for her gently, hands coming up to cup her face, gently coaxing her to look at him. "If it wasn't my fault," Natsu tells her sternly, green eyes hard, "it wasn't yours either."
Shaking her head, Lucy frowns back at him. "That's different," she argues. Her lips press into a sad, ashamed line. "You weren't trying to hurt me," she reminds him. Her exhale is a soft, quivering sound, Lucy wincing as she thinks about the difference between them.
Natsu looked at his hands like he was disgusted with himself after they first met, like he couldn't believe what he did to her, the bruises on her skin matching the shapes of his fingers, a piece of him imprinted on her skin for weeks before they faded to nothing. Natsu looked at himself like he was a monster, like he hated what he did, what he was forced to do. He admitted to her that he never wanted to hurt her, that it was the King and his collars, turning young men into soldiers and turning soldiers into monsters.
All Lucy's done is lie, to herself and him, pretending she was okay when she wasn't, hoping it would all go away, disappear like it was never really there. He fought and she just ignored the problem until it made her collapse, letting it eat away at her until her body couldn't take it. She hates herself for that, for letting him down. For letting herself down.
"And you weren't trying to lie," he tells her, thumbs sweeping across her cheekbones and wiping away the tears she didn't know were falling, Lucy shaking slightly as she thinks about everything that's happened to them in such a short amount of time. She hadn't realized how tired she was, her bones aching with every move she makes. She wanted to tell him, wanted the pain to stop, but every time she tried the words were forced back down by a will that wasn't hers, a silent voice telling her to keep her mouth shut, to suffer through it and let herself be consumed.
Lucy blinks back at him, searching his expression as Natsu continues to dry her tears, trying to smile for her. His grin only highlights the bags under his eyes, like ink staining his skin. He hasn't been sleeping, she knows. He's always restless beside her at night, pacing in the dark, so quiet she wouldn't notice if not for the cold chill against her back where he previously was. Lucy's sure he hasn't been eating either, though it's less obvious. She's worried about him, more than she'd care to admit.
"And what if I was?" she asks, gaze dropping to her lap. At first she was lying. That very first day she lied when he asked if she was hurt elsewhere, if he did anything else. That wasn't compulsion magic, not then, that was Lucy lying. Self-preservation only remains a reason for so long. She had time to tell him when she first noticed what was happening, but she kept her mouth shut. Even after she started to care about him, she kept her mouth shut.
He shakes his head, curling his arms around her tightly and burying his face against her hair, wrapping her up in his arms. "You were scared," he murmurs, breathing in her scent and sighing, nuzzling her exposed ear. Her own arms come around him, Lucy's fingers clinging to his bare back as he traces a pattern across her spine, a familiar shape.
His rune, she realizes a moment later, swallowing thickly as she rests her head against his shoulder. He's been drawing it on her every time he's touched her, offering her protection from harm, as if his old Gods might keep her safe. Natsu continues to trace the shape against her back, fingertips warming her through her shirt, his touch firm as he cradles her against him, nosing at her when she doesn't respond.
"That's not an excuse," she murmurs back, voice thick with emotion. Her words quiver, Lucy releasing a shaky breath, and Natsu presses his lips against the side of her head, soothing her gently. Lucy shakes her head, trying to pull away from him, ashamed of herself, but he doesn't let her go far, stroking her hair softly and making her still against him.
"No," he agrees after a long moment, "that's not an excuse." His grip only tightens, Natsu hushing her when she chokes on a sob. "But you weren't trying to hurt me either."
Hiccupping, Lucy clings to his back, curling closer against his chest, shocked by the startling differences between them physically. She's become sickly, pale and thinner than she once was, having lost weight when Magi was bleeding her out, and her hands shake when she isn't holding onto something. Lucy quivers against his chest, squeezing her eyes shut tightly and burying her face against his neck. "I'm sorry," she whispers against his skin.
Natsu only quiets her again, rocking the two of them and murmuring nonsense into her ear, silly things that make her giggle and prayers in a language she doesn't understand. He calls her his stars, something she remembers him saying days ago, when she first woke. There's an apology mixed in with his words, and Natsu promises to protect her as he presses his lips against her forehead, tucking her under his chin a moment later.
It's the most they've touched each other since she told him about her dream.
Lucy stared up at the ceiling, counting water-stains absentmindedly. Beside her, Natsu sat tracing shapes on the inside of her wrist, tickling her skin as he told her stories about Igneel, some funny, some sad, some that made her think. Lucy listened quietly, lulled by the timbre of his voice, Natsu speaking quietly so as not to disturb the other residents of the house, Magi and Katya asleep upstairs. Footsteps padded softly across the floor above them, someone awake so late in the night. The floor creaked, loud and long and Lucy sighed, exhausted but not wanting to sleep, afraid of the shadows lurking in her thoughts, afraid that maybe it wasn't simply a dream.
Natsu noticed her silence, releasing her wrist and sitting up on his elbows to peer down at her, a slight frown on his lips, his brow furrowed in concern. He stared down at her curiously, but didn't ask, waiting for her to speak when she was ready, knowing Lucy was having a hard time talking about what happened.
Swallowing, Lucy looked away from him, glancing sideways to stare at the open door and the shadows beyond, watching them creep closer and closer until they were on top of her, warming her and swallowing her whole, consuming her from the inside out. Her skin began to burn, Lucy feeling something move beneath her skin, her arm pulsing in thin lines of pain, dull at first, but then harder, faster, until Lucy could hardly breathe it was so horrible. Her head swam, her vision blurring, and she trembled, a soft sound spilling passed her lips. The pain grew and grew until she could barely take it anymore.
Natsu lashed out suddenly, inhaling sharply as his strong fingers curled around her wrist, gently guiding her hand from her arm, the skin red and raw from her scratching. She winced, staring down at the red marks lining her skin, neat rows crossed haphazardly. It didn't bleed, only stung, but it was enough to remind Lucy of what she felt before. She almost felt empty without the constant ache, feeling nothing at all.
He dropped back down beside her, rolling onto his side to face her, gently brushing her bangs away from her eyes as he stared down at her, imploring and melancholy, gaze flicking between her face and her abused arm, worry clear in his eyes. His throat bobbed with a hard swallow, but still he didn't speak, didn't force her to talk if she didn't want to. He was good at that, waiting for her to speak, not wanting to push her too hard, knowing what it was like to be forced into something.
His thumb began drawing shapes against the thin skin of her wrist, so light she barely felt it, and Lucy sucked in a shuddery breath before speaking.
"I had a dream when I was…" she trailed off, not wanting to finish. Her words gained his rapt attention, Natsu frowning as he stared down at her, waiting for her to continue, brows furrowing when she didn't. Lucy was too lost in her thoughts to notice his confusion, her mind filled with foggy, violent images that could never be real. She couldn't understand why she would dream of something so horrific. Was it the magic? Her own fears? A warning? She didn't think she wanted to know, lest it make the dream worse, if that were possible. Lucy could never imagine something more terrifying than what she saw in her own head.
A warm thumb traced the curve of her jaw, Natsu watching her in concern, the red lines on her arm a violent shade against her pale skin. He winced at the sight, slowly shifting his gaze from her right wrist to her left, his fingers gently ghosting the small scars on her upper arm, feeling the bumps beneath his fingers.
"What did you dream?" he finally asked, seeming content to listen, more concerned with protecting her from the claws on her own hands than the ones in her head, not knowing how to fight those. His thumb stroked the length of her arm, coaxing an answer from her.
Memories of gore and bloody teeth surface in her mind, a snarl looming inches from her face, skin splattered with blood and bone and sweat. The air smelled of violence in her dream, a heaviness to the air, something cold chilling her to the bone, and screaming echoing in her ears—her own screams. "I dreamed I was being ripped apart," she told him a moment later, rolling onto her side and tucking herself tight against him, sighing when he wound an arm around her, pulling her tight to his chest, almost afraid to let go. His hand ran up her back, fingers tickling her spine, and she shivered, curling closer to him, ignoring the panic seizing her.
He frowned, but didn't pull away from her, giving her a slight squeeze when he felt her shaking against him, her breaths coming too quickly, Lucy's heart beginning to race as she remembered the monster in her dream, a familiar face staring down at her as she bled out on the sand.
"By what?" he murmured back, holding her tighter, her tears dripping onto his bare chest. She squeezed her eyes shut, not wanting to think of the dream, still horrified by what she saw, Lucy afraid that it could someday come to pass, despite knowing it never could.
Natsu nuzzled her jaw, silently urging her to tell him, wanting to help but not knowing how. His breath fanned across her throat and she squeezed her eyes shut, taking a slow, deep breath, steeling herself for what was to come, knowing it would only make things worse, but also that it needed to be said.
"You," she told him quietly.
Things were strange between them after that, Natsu afraid to touch her, and Lucy confused and frustrated about her dream, not knowing what to make of it, what it could possibly mean. Dreams aren't just dreams for Faebornes. They always mean something, a piece to a puzzle or the answer to a question that hasn't been asked yet. Supposedly, there are those that can see premonitions from their dreams, but Lucy never believed that, thinking the rumors false.
She prays her dream doesn't come to pass, knowing it would break both of them in ways they could never be repaired, both too damaged to be put back together.
Natsu pulls away from her after a moment, leaning back to meet her gaze, eyes trailing over her frame slowly, taking in every inch of her, searching for any signs of discomfort in her expression. His hands trail down her arms, hovering just above her skin, unsure if he should touch her again. "Are you sure you wanna leave?" he asks her, concerned.
She sighs, shoulders drooping slightly as she looks up at him. "Natsu…" she trails off, unsure what to say that she hasn't already. They've had this conversation several times in the last few days, Lucy wanting to leave and Natsu wanting her to rest. She's starkly reminded of their time in Jorah, only then it was her trying to make him stay.
She figures that must mean something.
"I know," he murmurs, sighing and shaking his head. He looks back up at her, smiling slightly, though his expression is tense, concerned. "I know, you wanna go home," he speaks her thoughts, "but do you think you can handle it?" He isn't asking to be rude, she knows, he just wants to make sure she'll be all right.
Lucy sends him a wry smile that doesn't begin to reach her eyes, her expression blank and slightly bitter as she replies. "I was handling it before," she reminds him. She managed to keep walking for two months after being infected with dark magic. Lucy thinks she could do anything now.
He considers this, mouth pressed into an unamused line. "Lucy," he sighs, staring at her sadly.
She curls in on herself, deflating slightly. "I just want to go home, Natsu," she whispers, half-pleading with him. Lucy doesn't meet his eyes, staring at her knees as her arms come around to wrap around her torso, Lucy holding herself comfortingly. "I don't want to be here anymore," Lucy tells him, her gaze heavy and heartrending when she finally looks back up at him.
Natsu softens, reaching out to brush her hair away from her eyes, cupping her cheek with one hand, fingers stroking her skin slowly. "Are you sure?" he asks, softer than before. "We can wait another few days," he reminds her. Natsu swallows, looking at her almost nervously, worried about what could happen to her if they started traveling too soon. She's still weak from the blood loss, her body slowly catching up.
"I was supposed to be home weeks ago," Lucy reminds him, curling in on herself slightly, trying to make herself smaller. She shrinks away, Natsu wincing when she glances up at him. "I don't want them to worry anymore." She's been gone for too long already, and she knows they must be hurting more than she is right now.
His lips press into a thin line as he considers her, gaze tracing her slowly, Natsu quick to check for any discomfort in her features. She holds his gaze, determined, and eventually he sighs, backing down, though his expression only tightens. "If you feel sick," he starts, a low growl edging the words, "tell me. Don't hide it, not from me."
She nearly flinches at the request, knowing it's going to take them some time to get back to where they were before. They're a bit bruised now, but it will heal in time, the two of them mending each other. "I won't," she promises, holding out her hand for him to take, smiling at him softly. "I'll tell you if anything happens." And she means it. She wants him to trust her, Gods know she trusts him more than she's trusted herself in the last weeks. Lucy likes knowing she has someone to rely on.
Natsu stands slowly, pulling her up with him and keeping an arm looped around her back, holding her up against him, Lucy still wobbly on her feet. She curls her fingers against his back, her cool skin warning against his. Smiling down at her, Natsu reaches around Lucy to grab her bag off the bed, handing it to her gently before shifting away from her to grab her bow from where it rests against the wall. He keeps one hand on her waist as he stretches to reach it, not going far from Lucy's side.
Lucy knows he's positively giddy to be on the move again, his excitement clear in his bright eyes. He was only picking a fight because of her, putting her above his restless nature. She appreciates that, but her own restlessness has grown as well, Lucy not enjoying being bedbound for nearly two weeks. It's been frustrating, not feeling like herself. At first, she was simply too weak to move, too tired, but then she grew more awake, her body unable to keep up. She hated it, more than she ever hated anything before.
The bow is pressed gently into her hands, cool, dark wood smooth against her palms, familiar. Lucy traces her thumb along the curve, smiling fondly. It's saved her more times than she ever would have thought. Makarov would be proud of his work, knowing that he could protect her even when he wasn't there. She sighs, looking up into Natsu's eyes and watching him shift nervously for a moment.
"I have something for you," he tells her gently, wetting his lips as he glances at the open door behind her, checking to make sure they're alone. Lucy frowns, staring up at him, confused. He flashes a small smile, then turns to the nightstand beside the bed, pulling open the top drawer and taking out a parcel wrapped in a brightly colored cloth, the rich red looking fiery in the morning light spilling into the room. "I was looking for someone to fix it," he admits, handing the object to her, Lucy taking it gingerly, frowning as she looks up at him. "I knew it mattered to you, and I didn't know how to fix it." Natsu's hands settle on her shoulders, barely touching her as he urges her to open the package, to see what's inside.
She hesitates only a moment before slowly unraveling the cloth, letting it slip to the floor softly. Lucy gasps, her eyes going wide when she sees what it is. The knife slips from her fingers, nearly clattering to the ground, but Natsu manages to catch it, deft fingers curing around the sharp blade, Natsu careful not to cut himself.
It's the knife she broke when they first met, the one she left behind, forgotten during their journey. She'd barely thought about it since they ran, her disappointment shoved to the back of her mind, Lucy knowing a broken knife wasn't worth mourning, not then.
Swallowing, Natsu clears his throat softly, hesitantly meeting her eyes as he traces the blade with his thumb, the rosy blade the same shade as his hair. He sends her a crooked grin, pressing the blade back into her hands, gently curling her fingers around the hilt, trapping the knife between their hands. "It took him hours to mend the break," he continues. "That's why I was late." Lucy looks up at him in shock, but Natsu doesn't appear to notice. He simply stares down at the knife locked between their fingers, thumb brushing against her skin fondly. "I know I should have been there, but I hope this makes up for it."
Her breath quivers as she stares down at the knife, unsure what to do. Her eyes grow wet, Lucy struggling not to let her tears spill over, not wanting to upset him. Her own gift, shoved into the bottom of her bag, seems almost silly compared to this, and her lip trembles at the thought. "Natsu," she chokes out, hands shaking against his.
Hands come up to cradle her jaw, Natsu gently lifting her face to meet her eyes, his expression soft as he stares down at her. "I'm sorry," he tells her, wiping away a tear that slips down her cheek, "that I broke it." She laughs, shaking her head slowly. She doesn't care about that, not even a little. All that matters is that they're alive and smiling, almost home. "I won't do it again, Mae Strakaz," he promises, leaning in until his forehead is pressed against hers, the heat of him surrounding her like a blanket.
Lucy wets her lips, curling her free arm around his back and pulling herself closer against his chest, his breath fanning across her face. "How did you…" the question trails off as Natsu's big hands settle on her waist, fingers tracing up her sides slowly.
"I took it," he murmurs back, shifting to press his lips against her temple. Her eyes squeeze shut, Lucy sighing as she leans into his touch, more relaxed than she has been in days. "When we were leaving that first day, I saw it on the ground and knew I needed to take it with me." He noses at her hair, lips skimming her ear when he speaks. "It saved my life once," he tells her, "when I was fighting that Berserk in Pergrande."
She nods in understanding, not needing him to explain. She's just glad he's alive, that he's next to her. "Thank you," she breathes against his throat, unsure what for, but knowing she needs to say it. "Thank you," she repeats, twisting her head to press her lips against his jaw, feeling the muscles there jump at the light touch.
Lucy gives him a tight squeeze, curling closer, trying to bury herself in his ribcage.
AN: As previously stated, I should be catching up with the rewrite by around Friday next week, so new chapters will be starting soon.
Glossary of Gods/Terms/Creatures:
Djehl: Fire God from the northlands that granted the Berserks their strength/inner fire. His battle axe is called Bran.
Djerda: Goddess of night and the mother of Djehl.
Estra: Sister of Djehl and Daughter of Djerda. Goddess of the Stars. pulled the stars from the sky and gave them life, proving her devotion to Ieyar, a chaos god, and creating the Fae, their magic gifted to them by Ieyar.
Ieyar: God of Chaos. Gifted the Fae their magic after Estra pulled the stars from the sky for him.
Ashtacar: Berserker word meaning "safe travels." Traditionally used between friends and family, it has since become a way to honor the dead, granting them "safe travels" on their way to the next life.
Ulfræder: Berserk word for "blood traitor." It's a relatively heavy insult. Being a "blood traitor" is an unforgivable act.
Descæter: Berserk word for "deserter." Follows the same vein of Ulfræder, but is less insulting. Blood traitors abandon their homes and families, white a deserter abandons their post/army position.
Velsigna av Branna: Berserk word for "blessed by fire." As Vesigna means "to bless." "Branna" comes from "Bran (Braun)" an old word for fire, and the name of the God Djehl's battle axe.
Velsigna av Strakaz: "Blessed by Stars" From "Estra," a Berserk Goddess of the night sky, daughter of Djerda, Goddess of night, and sister to Djehl. Term for Faeborne and a reference to their scent.
Ellyra [El-eye-rah]: Formal name of the fairy trees. Rumored to house the souls of slain Fae within their trunks. The trees are semi-sentient, and can speak, though only to those who they want to hear. The trees are tall, with pale colored bark (white, to a light grey as the trees grow old) and red leaves. The trees bleed red sap, and in the Northlands they are commonly called Azgetta meaning "the bleeding" or alternatively "the weeping."