*Don't do this!
.~.knockingmyselfoutwouldbeapleasure.~.
Scott got out of the Car as soon as they pulled up to the house. Stiles got out just after, and followed Scott, carrying the plant. Sam followed not far behind, so he was surprised when he ran into Stiles, who stopped just a few feet into the house. He held Stiles' shoulders to insure the boy was standing stably before he looked into the family area to see what the two had stopped for. Lucifer kneeled on a chair looking over the back at the boys.
"Crowley, look, Dean and Cas did get a kid! Aw, it has hair and a face and everything..." He looked to Crowley who was sitting on the couch. "We should get one!" Crowley shrugged.
"Don't look at me. Moose's the human one, ask him." Lucifer turned back to look at Sam giddily.
"Please, can we make one Sammy!? It'll be fun. You already have a mom car anyway." Sam made a confused face.
"What? No! First of all, that's not how reproduction works. Second, you aren't going to make it work in any way, shape, or form, so get that out of both of your heads right now. Third, you can't just 'have' a fully grown child, you have to raise it, and you kind of have to like humans to raise one. Fourth, no one would allow us to adopt a child, including me. That just screams bad idea. Fifth, it is not a mom car! Lastly, how did the two of you manage to break in?" Lucifer gave a 'Come on Sammy' look and sat back down in his seat.
"We missed you and were bored. It was either kill each other or stalk you." Stiles put the plant on the stairs then sat on them, only for Scott to cautiously follow.
"I assume you know these guys then?" Stiles asked semi-casually. Crowley answered the boy instead of Sam.
"Spot on deduction, Sherlock, be sure to make yourself a medal..." He grumbled it into his coffee but Stiles looked to Sam.
"I was trying to be tactful, but since I'm the only one: What's the deal with you and the sociopaths?" Sam sighed.
"Stiles, Scott, These are my roommates Crowley, and Lucif- uh, Luci, who Dean mentioned." Stiles nodded but Lucifer piped up.
"Dean mentioned me? How nice. He and Cas seem to be doing well, By the way." Sam shot him a suspicious look.
"Are they doing well while alive?" Lucifer gave a small chuckle and Crowley answered.
"M-hm... A tad more than usual actually..." Sam gave a half suspicious, half confused look, so Lucifer clarified.
"They've got an HBO type thing going on upstairs." Stiles made a noise. "Sammy, if he's allowed to defile my baby brother, I should be allowed to defile his." Sam took a small step away from Lucifer at this point.
"Yeah, well, you see the difference there is your little brother is willing. His is not..." Lucifer gave a pout.
"I could get you to say yes."
"No."
"That's so unfair, Sammy!"
"Tough." Lucifer pulled his legs up and just made a sulking face at the wall. "I suppose you won't talk to me now?" Lucifer turned his head 90 degrees to look as much away from Sam as he could, same look still on his face. "And I guess I should take this to mean that you refuse to leave?" Lucifer put his head back to look up at the ceiling. "Right..." Sam went over to Crowley's side of the coffee table and started fixing up the mess the two had made of the magazines and to pick up their garbage and plates. "So, why are you here Crowley? You usually do fine with not having me around.- Stop. Looking. Where I know. You're looking." Sam turned holding the two foam plates to see Crowley rolling his eyes. He gave a small exasperated sigh. "Nice to know I have at least one of you trained..."
"Actually, I'm quite glad not to be around you for a while every now and again, Moose. But I don't enjoy being home alone, and I couldn't talk Lucifer out of a paper bag, so here I am- partner in crime." Stiles looked at Sam as he stopped in his stride to the kitchen. Crowley smirked into his coffee cup. "Oops..." Stiles raised both eyebrows.
"You live with someone named- no, no. You KNOW someone named Lucifer?" Stiles looked to Lucifer now. "Were your parents hardcore Satanists or something?" Lucifer threw his head back against the seat, failing at holding in laughter. Crowley even smirked... Stiles looked back to Sam. "I feel like your real name is probably Aziraphale and I'm having a dream because I fell asleep reading..." Crowley chuckled now.
"Not quite, but close. If you'd like me to sign though, I always love a fan." Stiles looked from Crowley to Sam, Not understanding.
"Oh, you really were the inspiration for that?" Lucifer broke his silence to ask. "The author one of yours?"
"Not a demon, but an associate of mine." Lucifer raised an eyebrow.
"Not a Pagan, I hope..." Crowley shook his head.
"But I'd never kiss and tell, love."
"Wait, just wait. Demon? Pagan? Sam, what the hell's going on?" Lucifer rolled his eyes.
"Ugh, I'm Lucifer- Yes, the one that pops to mind. Crowley here is Acting and Current Devil. By 'Pagan' I mean a pagan god. I'm not fond of those."
"Why not?" Scott asked as Stiles just gaped not knowing what to say.
"Because they're vile, vain, petty, little, parasitic wastes of life, who use the little power they have to enslave the powerless, and are ultimately worse than human kind." Scott mulled that over a second before just nodding.
"Well, they do kinda sound like jerks." Lucifer just stared at Scott a second before looking to Crowley.
"I almost don't want to kill him. What's happening and how do I stop it?" Crowley sighed.
"That's because he's pleasant. Like a baby dog. Usually they'll stop paying you mind if you give them something soft and furry to teethe on. Usually it helps if it's roundish." Sam tried to correct Crowley and tell Lucifer it was an analogy, and that teenagers didn't chew on soft furry things, even if they did have the disposition of a puppy, but he'd disappeared. He looked at Crowley, exasperated and pissed.
"Why the hell would you tell him that? You know he knows about as much about people as Cas used to!"
"So he'll bring home a dog toy. What's the harm-" Sam growled.
"No, you know what? Shut up. You're not allowed to talk anymore. If you do, I'm gonna cut out your tongue and I won't give it back! And if he brings anything bloody back, you're getting rid of it!" Crowley looked slightly perturbed by the outburst.
"You wou-"
"Ah! NOT A WORD." Crowley wanted to argue, but decided it was best to let Sam calm down and go back to reading. Sam turned to the boys to see how they were dealing with the information, only to see Stiles staring at Lucifer's chair kind of befuddled.
"He disappeared..." Sam nodded in response and tried to speak as gently as possible.
"Yeah... Yeah, he did. Are we dealing with that alright..?" Stiles just shook his head, very softly.
"Why does everyone say I'm a dog?" Scott asked with the slightest look of irritation.
"Because you're a dog born into a human's body, now shut up I'm trying to process this shit..." Scott gave a tiny huff, and Sam let Stiles sit in silence for a minute or two.
"Uh, Stiles...? Are you okay with this yet...?" Stiles finally blinked and shook his head, as if to clear it and give an answer.
"Uh, no. No we are not, and we probably never will be, so, uh, yeah, I'm just going to pretend this never happened and if anyone ever mentions it I will ignore them. I'm gonna go do the dishes and then maybe drill a hole in my skull and pour some bleach in.*" Stiles got up, took the plates and walked to the kitchen. Sam looked back to see Lucifer plopping something vaguely the size of a small watermelon and rather roundish, with grayish-brown fur onto Scott's lap, and momentarily Sam had a heart attack, assuming it was something dead, until Scott smiled, heaving it into his arms.
"Aren't you the cutest little thing?" Scott buried his face in the large rabbit's fur, and Lucifer seemed relieved as he went back to sit down. Sam sighed with relief.
"Luce." Lucifer looked to him expectantly. "Crowley is banned from talking, please leave him alone." Lucifer gave Crowley a mocking smirk, but looked back to Sam and nodded in approval. Sam mouthed a 'thank you'. He rolled his eyes, sensing more trouble as he heard two sets of footsteps descend the stairs. Dean first glanced at Scott on the stairs to the landing he and Cas were on, then gave Sam a smile, and then caught sight of the two Devils. He gave Sam a bitch face.
"Why?" He whined, just a little bit. Then his face scrunched up and he sneezed softly into his arm. He looked back down at Scott. "Scott... Not that I'm not overjoyed to see you, but why do you have a giant rodent?" Scott just shrugged and Sam sighed again.
"Lucifer apparently doesn't want to kill Scott because he's nice, and it annoyed him, Crowley said he was like a puppy and that Lucifer should get him something 'round, soft, and furry' so he'd leave him alone. And Lucifer disappeared and came back with that." Sam looked to Scott. "Dean isn't very fond of rabbits." Dean cleared his throat, giving Sam a look.
"Ix-nay on the Ucifer-Lay..."
"At's-thay ot-nay oper-pay ig-pay atin-lay." Scott said looking back at Dean. "Los-Ay Iay an-cay derstand-unay actly-exay hat-way our-yay aying-say." Dean raised his hand.
"Okay, okay. Point taken, smartass." Scott smiled and went back to nuzzling the rabbit. Sam's amused and exasperated voice broke the temporary silence.
"Crowley and Lucifer spilled the beans on who they are..." Dean looked down and then back up at Sam.
"And he's alright?" Dean whispered.
"Scott didn't seem at all phased by it, but uh... Stiles..." Scott cut in, much to Sam's relief.
"Stiles freaked out a bit. I think Lucifer disappear is what was finally too much. He's pretending it didn't happen. He does that when he has an information-overload over something that's unimportant but mind shattering. When we were kids, he'd look up like everything about something, and it'd get to the point where it was mind-blowingly fascinating or to where it unfathomable to comprehend the odds it took for that thing to develop, and he'd just shut down and pretend none of it exists. That's actually why he's secretly not agnostic." Scott pet the rabbit as it started to squirm from not getting attention. "To this day, you can't say anything about Mercury, Saturn, or Pluto and have him respond in anyway. He refuses to name more than 6 planets, although he will admit there are 9, or in some people's opinion 8." Dean blinked a few times before looking back to Sam.
"Okay, why are they here?" Dean asked pointed at the two in the living room. Lucifer sighed and rolled his eyes.
"Bored, lonely, and Crowley doesn't like being in the Bunker alone." Dean descended from the landing as Stiles came back in and made his way to the arm chair opposite Lucifer and adjacent to Crowley. Cas followed behind Dean, but gave his sleeve a tug once at the bottom. Dean looked back.
"Dean, I believe this is a good reason to invite Adam over..." Dean replied immediately.
"No." Cas frowned.
"Why not?"
"You know why. He won't come without Michael, and I'm not having that prick over here." Dean huffed and looked towards Lucifer. "That one wouldn't be here if he'd stop breaking in, and he's never thrown anything at me while visiting!"
"You were the one who started throwing things, Dean."
"I threw him a pillow!"
"No, you threw a pillow AT him. You specifically aimed for his face, and threw it so hard it knocked the vase over when he ducked." Dean sneered.
"Still, he didn't have to try to assassinate me with the dust pan. He nearly broke my nose."
"It split your lip; you're being dramatic, he was obviously holding back very much." Dean huffed.
"I still don't like him. He didn't even ask permission to marry Adam." Cas sighed.
"Adam is a grown man, by human standards. They waited nearly 780 years. And if he were to seek anyone's blessing, I assume it would've been Adam's mother's 'permission'. And besides, you did not ask my father permission." Dean scoffed.
"Because A-you never actually met him. B- he's a dead beat. And C- no one knows where he is." Cas rolled his eyes.
"Don't you miss Adam Dean? Wouldn't you like to see your own brother?"
"I'd love to see him but he knows how I feel about Mic. It's not like we don't talk." Stiles cut in.
"Uh, may I commentate as an objective spectator?" Dean stood a second, surprised Stiles was up to talking, let alone listening and thinking about their conversation. He nodded. "You really need to man up about this. That's your family, man. You shouldn't let a couple hours around someone who irritates you keep you from hanging out with someone you care about. If you do, aren't you kind of being a crappy bro, in at least a little way?" Dean sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose.
"Fine, tomorrow night, dinner, that's it. And those two are not staying until then. I don't care where they go, they aren't staying in this house." Lucifer's shrugged and disappeared for a second; returning the next with a large, stiff, bag-like thing. Dean gave a questioning, slightly worried look.
"Sammy, we're borrowing your pop up tent and going out front. You should join us."
"Uh, yeah I'm not going to, because I have a warm bed to sleep in upstairs, and I don't want to be in a tent with you two..." Lucifer gave him a look. "Not again anyways."