"Well Ms. Cartwright you are indeed pregnant", the nurse at the planned parenthood tells me.
"I guess ten at home tests don't lie", I say nervously.
Shit. This was real.
"Congratulations!", She smiles at me but her face changes when she sees my reaction. "Or… or not. Whatever you feel, whatever your situation is, we're here for you".
She was a kind woman, I could just tell. And in a situation like this, where I admittedly kind of felt like I needed my mom, it was very nice to have someone who felt warm.
"Yeah it definitely was not planned or um… wanted", I say awkwardly. "Me and my boyfriend, well ex boyfriend now actually, are 22 and we go to CRU. I'm supposed to be starting law school in the Fall though at GW".
"Congratulations on that hun, it's not easy to get into law school!"
"Exactly, it was really hard. Whereas making this baby was really really easy it seems", I laugh nervously, looking down and playing with the seams of the patient gown I'm currently wearing. "I just don't know what's right in this situation".
"Well I'm not going to lie to you, it's very hard. I have 3 of my own and it's crazy, especially when they're a newborn. But it's also the greatest job in my life. We have counsellors here who would be able to talk with you, go over all the options in detail", She gives me a smile.
"Thank you, that's really nice. I think I um… know my options. I don't really think I could do adoption so I'm just trying to decide whether I could do a decent job raising it right now…. or if I would just be totally in over my head", I sigh.
"Do you have support Casey? From your family, friends? From the father?"
"The father doesn't know yet, but… I'm not sure… I think he'd be supportive, I just don't know if this whole thing would be too much for him. And my parents live in Chicago actually so it would be hard to raise the baby here with not a lot of help, and pretty impossible to go raise it in DC alone while I'm in law school", I ramble out my life story to this woman but she listens intently and I appreciate the hell out of her for it.
I pause before speaking, trying to find the words to express my exact feeling.
"I guess I know deep down I should probably get an abortion. Like in my brain that's the technical, obvious choice. But in my heart…", I sigh. "In my heart I don't know if I could go through with it. Both options scare me".
"I'm sorry you're going through this. If it makes you feel better we have CRU students come in quite often who are dealing with an unplanned pregnancy. We take student healthcare plans here so a good portion of our patients are just like you… and all of them end up getting through this one way or another. I know you'll find your way", She gives me an encouraging nod.
"Thanks for listening", I say to her, genuinely. "It's been the only thing I can think about since I found out. Do you… know how many weeks I am?"
I had calculated it since that night in Myrtle Beach where I had presumed we conceived. If I was right I would be 5 weeks.
"You're about 5 weeks, give or take a day", She says. "Dr. Fremont will be in shortly to go over more details about your pregnancy with you and also do an examination".
"Okay thanks so much", I smile at her and she leaves the room.
Examination? I was definitely not in the mood. I hadn't barfed yet this morning but the granola bar I ate on the way here was not exactly sitting right and I did not want to barf on the doctor.
"Casey Cartwright?", The door opens and a tall redhead woman interrupts my thoughts.
"Hi", I smile. "That's me".
"Nice to meet you, I'm Dr. Fremont. I hear that someone's pregnant", She gives me a playful smile.
This would be super nice if I was someone who was super happy that I was pregnant. If I was gonna go home to my husband and tell him all about it in our huge house by the pond and have a dinner to let our whole family know and they'd be so happy for us.
Yeah… that was not my reality.
"Yeah", I give an awkward laugh. "I'm kinda… freaking out about it. I spoke to the nurse a little bit… we didn't plan it so it's quite a shock".
I stutter out the sentence out of pure awkwardness on my part.
"Oh I see. Well we are here to help you in any way we can", She turns on her swivel chair to grab what seems like 20 pamphlets and then turns back to hand them to me.
"Oh.. thanks", I say looking at the ones on top.
So you're pregnant and you don't want to be… Now what?!
Single Parenting 101
Abortion: Make Your Choice.
Being a Young Parent in Today's Age.
This is exactly what I want to be reading at night in bed to likely induce a panic attack.
"Do you have any way you're leaning in terms of what you want to do?", She asks.
"I'm between having an abortion or trying to keep it", I explain. "I'm supposed to go to law school so I just don't know how to make it work".
"Well know that any choice you make, we are here to support you. We believe in the right to choose here", She smiles.
"I do too", I nod. "And I'm thinking about terminating…. I just worry I won't be able to go through with it. It's just a thing in my head… I can't get over just getting rid of something that was created with love and… is depending on me for survival…"
I trail off as tears start to roll down my cheeks.
"I'm sorry, I'm not usually emotional like this", I feel embarrassed now.
"Don't worry at all. We see tears all the time in here. Usually when parents hear the heartbeat or see the baby on the ultrasound for the first time".
"We're not doing that today though… right?", I confirm, worried about actually seeing the thing growing in me right now. I was really really trying to not get attached to it. Since I found out I'd catch myself at night in my bed going through all these fantasies of me, Cappie and the baby being a happy family in an apartment here in Cyprus and everything would be okay. That was dangerous territory to dream about since it drifted into a false sense of reality.
"No, all we're trying to do today is an internal ultrasound to make sure that the fetus is as far along as we think it is based on your blood test", She explains. "I don't have to show you the screen if you don't want?"
I can tell she is offering because she knows how I feel about this pregnancy, how I'm not sure whether to create some relationship with it in my mind.
I truly don't know what I want, I just know that I have to answer her in this moment so i go with my gut.
"No… I uh… I want to see it", I nod, my indecision shining through in my trembling voice.
"Alright well we're just gonna get your legs up into the stirrups, we'll try to make this as comfortable as possible for you. I know we had Nurse Andrea go over a lot of stuff with you, your medical history, sexual history, and current medications and it seemed everything was perfectly fine, no red flags. We still are going to do a pap smear today, just to make sure there's no abnormal cells, no STI findings, although there's no reason to believe there will be".
"No I really don't think so", I say immediately, knowing that even if I didn't use protection that night Cappie had gotten tested when we first got back together to ease my mind.
"And then we will insert the probe and try to get a good look at the current fetus", She says.
Ugh, I had a feeling this would not be comfortable. I nod anyways, knowing that this is probably necessary.
I awkwardly scoot down the table, put my feet into the stirrups and open my legs at her direction.
This was majorly uncomfortable.
"Alright Pap smear done", I can see her out of the corner of my eye. "Now I'll get the probe ready and we can see what's going on in there".
I nod but my hearts racing in anticipation for this. For this whole thing, the biggest life altering speed bump, and having to see evidence that it was actually real and was there. At night I'd lay there and catch myself touching my stomach, not able to believe that there was something in there that I would actually be growing if I wanted to go through with it.
It was crazy to me. It would be harder to believe if I wasn't plagued by the constant nausea and fatigue. And my boobs hurting like crazy.
It was uncomfortable when she inserted the ultrasound probe and I jump slightly.
"I'm sorry Casey. This is just necessary for the first time or two since it's too small to see with the usual ultrasound on your lower belly. But once the baby grows, if you go through with the pregnancy, we won't have to do it this way anymore", She explains.
"It's okay", I confirm with her, not wanting to be a problem, despite the discomfort. And there was also a slight piece of me that felt excitement for when she would be able to show me what it looked like.
"Alright, here we are. It's as big as an orange seed, or a poppy seed, right now, so still very very small", She smiles. "Would you like to see the screen?"
I pause for a moment.
"Yeah I'd like to see it", I nod.
"Alright, here is…. the fetus, your baby if you want to think about it that way", she turns the screen to me and I have to squint to even see what she's talking about. But it's there.
"That's it? It looks like a little tadpole", I laugh slightly.
"Yeah, that's exactly what it looks like at this stage", She smiles. "It won't be moving really, but they're already starting to form organs, specifically the brain and the heart".
The brain and the heart. That was the battle I was having right now. My brain telling me I would be stupid to go through with this and my heart wanting nothing but to take home my ultrasound photo and show it to everyone. Go shopping for it, feel close to it when I put my hand across my stomach. Have Cappie come to appointments with me.
I knew the latter seemed far fetched but I didn't know if I could ever lead with my head over my heart. If I could ever live with it.
"Wow", is all I can muster up with the fact that my face is getting hot, tears pooling within my eyes, feeling like I can't speak.
"Alright we're all done", She smiles at me. "We got a photo too, I'll print it out for you".
"Okay", I sit upright now, shock still setting in.
"It's okay to be emotional Casey", She touches my arm softly. "I think you should go over your options, try to decide what's best for you and the potential baby and you can call us when you decide".
"Okay", I nod. "Thank you Dr. Fremont".
"Of course", She moves over to the printer and hands me the ultrasound photo. "Here you go hun. I circled it because it's so small it's hard to see".
"Thank you", I laugh slightly, taking it and putting it in my purse along with the pamphlets she gave me.
"I'll leave you to get dressed", She says. "And Casey, if I can leave you with anything… tell the father, tell someone close to you, a parent, a sibling. It'll make it easier to decide what to do when the people in your life are there to help you. Their reactions may not be as bad as you think".
"Okay, will do", I nod. "Thanks".
She gives me one last grin before leaving me alone in the room as I get up and put my dress and sandals back on.
Maybe she was right. Maybe the way to decide what to do with the tadpole was to tell Cappie. Or at least tell someone that knows me well. Since I really didn't want to tell my parents until I'd decided what to do, it pretty much left him and Rusty.
I guess a trip to the KT house was in the cards for me.
I sigh.
Time to be brave Casey. For the thing, the person if I decided, growing in me.