Chapter five: The search

March

"It's getting worse again." She said as she stared at his see-through form standing a few feet away from her. He didn't react, his deadly pale face blank just like the day he left her. Placing her arms around her chest she tried to squeeze herself back together, not wanting the pain in her chest to get worse. "I don't know why I keep seeing you like this." She noticed her wrists had gotten thinner, she rubbed her scar absentmindedly.

He never said anything like this, in this form. He just looked at her, his eyes mostly blank just like his face. Just like he had looked then. But the fact that she could see him made the pain in her chest lessen just a fraction. "I guess I'm going slightly insane, but if that means I get to see you like this then I guess I don't mind."

She sat on her bed, her back against the soft green painted wall behind her. Her legs straight in front of her as she looked at him. He just stood there. She didn't know why she would see him at random moments. This vision of him would be there when she skidded on ice or missed a step going down the stairs, when a volleyball would hit her in the face or when she dropped a book on her foot, but it wasn't there when she desperately wanted to see his face. But then he would appear in front of her at the most random of times. When she was in Maths or trying to eat lunch, times where she desperately tried to block out any thoughts or memories of him in order to focus a little bit. She had tried to touch him the second time she saw him, but her hand had gone right through him and he had disappeared like a cloud of smoke in cold air on an icy winter's morning.

So now she just sat there, staring at him with an almost empty mind whilst her emotions rushed through her body. She was happy her vision of him moved, he would blink or shift as he stood there. But she still wished the vision would look like he did in her dreams. Golden eyed, soft hair, crisp white shirt and a soft smile. Now his hair was just a tad too messy like he had frantically been pulling at out with anxiety. His face was blank, his eyes black with dark circles underneath his eyes, his mouth sad, his shoulders hunched with defeat.

"Why do you always look so sad like this?" She murmured at him, his eyes moved from her eyes to her lips as she spoke. "You wanted to leave, remember?" She said bitterly. The sadness she had been feeling for months was slowly mixing with bitterness and anger these days. But she still couldn't help herself when he appeared in front of her.

"I wish you would've stayed for just another minute or two, so I could've talked to you." She smiled sadly and sighed, listening to the birds chirping happily outside in the trees of the backyard. "I haven't been in the forest since you left and I got lost." She said forlornly.

She scoffed at herself, "Who would've thought that I missed going into a wet forest." He tilted his head slightly and frowned.

"Of course you don't know, I got lost after running after you in the pouring rain." He frowned deeper, like he couldn't understand her.

"This is so crazy." She murmured as she moved her hands over her face. "I'm losing myself to my imagination."

She sat up and climbed out of her bed, carefully walking around him so he wouldn't disappear and grabbed a notebook and a pen. Throwing herself on her bed again she stared at him as she wrote down her thoughts. Fifteen minutes later her cheeks were wet and her letter was folded in the middle, to hide the inside of it from her own gaze.

"I don't know how to get this to you." She whimpered. She gazed at her laptop, it was still open and bright. Dozens of unclosed tabs waiting for her, searching the internet for traces of any of them. But she couldn't find anything. She had looked for "Doctor Cullen" on hundreds of websites, looking at hospitals in rainy states but couldn't find anything at all. She had long given up on reaching them, having called, texted and emailed all of them hundreds of times.

"I guess there's only one more thing I can do before giving up." She murmured as she quickly threw on some jeans and socks before making her way to her bedroom door, she stopped and turned around hesitantly and looked at him with determination before closing the door behind her, leaving his shadow in the middle of her room.

She left her car unlocked in the parking lot, not expecting to be inside the hospital for long. The parking lot was surprisingly empty as she hyped herself up to go inside with confidence. "You can do this, Swan." She muttered to herself as the automatic doors opened. She calmly walked towards the front desk and smiled warmly at the woman sitting there.

"Isabella," she said without much surprise on her face, "what happened this time?"

Bella flushed bright red, "I'm fine, I was actually here to ask you a question."

"Go ahead dear." The woman said, she couldn't remember her name and had difficulties reading her name tag, her long black hair was hiding it from her.

"I was just wondering if doctor Cullen left a forwarding address when he left in September." She tried to sound like she didn't care, but couldn't keep the slight tinge of pain from her voice. She cleared her throat and smiled awkwardly at her as the woman in front of her smiled apologetically.

"I'm afraid I can't give you any information about our past or present staff, Isabella."

"Oh," she started sadly, "I understand. I just found some stuff that I borrowed from doctor Cullen and wanted to send it back to him."

The woman frowned, "Didn't they give you their new address?"

Bella's eyes were a little wider than normal as she nodded awkwardly. "Yes, they did but I'm afraid I lost it."

The woman sighed and took of her glasses, "Give me a minute." She said with a sigh as she started tapping and clicking away on the computer in front of her. Bella's heart actually skipped at beat as adrenaline filled her body, her heart pounding away in her chest with excitement.

"Huh, that's strange." She muttered to herself, as she kept clicking.

"Is everything okay?" Bella asked with dread in her voice.

"I'm afraid doctor Cullen didn't leave a forwarding address, he didn't even mention where he was going to be working next. I'm sorry, it seems that I can't help you with this."

Bella sighed with defeat, trying her hardest not to show the tears already stinging in her eyes. "Thanks for you help." She mumbled as she turned around and left. Her hands shaking and her vison blurry as she climbed into her truck.

"Okay." She muttered to herself, "There's only one place left."

She searched every inch of the house, entering rooms she had never been to before. From the basement to the attic. Not a single piece of furniture, not a single book, not a single piece of paper. Just dust and a hollow echo as she moved through the house.

"Maybe I just wasn't good enough." She said as she stared at his empty room, a light sheen of sweat on her forehead. The shelves which had been filled with his music collection were still there, but they were completely empty now. She ran her hands lightly against the dusty, white wood as if she could leave her trace. She wondered if they would ever return to house, maybe long after she had passed in a few decades.

She took a deep breath and spoke out loud, to herself in the big empty house.

"You're gone and you're never coming back to me. I wake up every day and thoughts of you are the first thing that enter my mind. Every time I see you in my dreams, I feel hope that you might've come back for me. But I know that's not a possibility, why would you. You don't love me and I have to learn how to live with that now. My heart just doesn't want to listen to what my mind already knows. I-"

She took a pause to wipe away her tears, the little piece of paper between her fingers littered with tear drops.

"I fell in love with a vampire. Something that I never thought possible. But I did and you were my first love. I was so confused at first, I didn't understand all these feelings that I had until I figured it out. I was in love, I am still in love with you and I don't think that will ever stop. I just need to learn to live with the fact you are gone and that my love for you will always be there, until I take my last breath on this earth."

She opened her eyes and gasped as her see-through from appeared in the corner of the room, had he been there all this time?

"May we meet in another reality." She whispered as she stared at him, he lowered his head and closed his eyes with defeat. She saw his already barely there form disappear in front of her eyes. Her soft words echoed in the empty room around her, the once vibrant white walls now looked washed out and vague, dust covering the wooden floors covering the vast space. She wondered why nobody had locked the door but remembered how Edward had ran out before she could say goodbye all those months ago. The sharp pain of remembering never getting easier.

She crashed onto the hard wooden floor, her knees screaming in protest as she dropped the letter and clutched her arms around her chest letting out a painful, heart-breaking scream. It echoed through the empty house just like her memories echoed through her mind. She placed her hands on the floor in front of her, her head bent down as she tried to catch her breath.

"I think I really needed that." She said, she sounded out of breath as she crawled forward to pick up the letter with her shaking fingers. It took her a few more minutes to actually get up, her legs felt like jelly as she walked over to the shelves she had been tracing just moments ago placing the letter on it.

A sudden shiver went over her body, starting at the back of her neck making her turn around with confusion. She looked around the small room but all she could see were white walls and trees through the massive ceiling to floor windows. She wiped her tears and walked towards the window, staring into the dense forest but not seeing anything.

She turned back around whilst shaking her head. "You're losing your mind, Bella." She huffed at herself.

"I wonder when you'll see this." She whispered to the letter. "I wonder what you'll think and if you'll keep this or just throw it out." She smiled sadly and took her fingers off the paper, taking a few steps back. "I guess I'll never know."

She didn't see Edward's see-through form as she left the house with her head tilted towards the ground, her fingers tracing the walls as if she was trying to leave an imprint of herself for them to find when they came back. If they ever came back.