Elena didn't show up for dinner last night, but she did stop by in the morning. It's nearing nine in the morning and we were just finishing up breakfast when there was a knock at the door. Luiza – already dressed and powdered – got up to get it while I encouraged Lacy to finish her fruit.
Last night had been . . . content. Lacy and I went to our shared room after dinner, playing dolls and drinking imaginary tea, pretend gossiping about the village residents that somehow included her dolls. Once she was getting drowsy, I tucked her into bed and sang her to sleep with her favorite lullaby. She wanted to be there to see me off, and despite my initial thoughts, I wouldn't deny her of that.
Luiza and Elena walk in, and I hear the former whisper about Elena's father waiting in the other room. I don't hide my relief since I'm still clad in my cotton nightgown. I'm due at the castle in a couple of hours, I figured it was worth relaxing until I left. My stomach had already shrunk further than it already is; I could barely keep breakfast down without getting up to go to the bathroom.
Regardless, Elena smiles as she opens her arms to me. I stand from my place at the table and envelope her in a bone-crushing hug.
"I was so worried I'd missed you." She says into my hair.
I smile. "No, I would never leave without telling you."
Elena had been one of the few people who talked to me; who even considered me a friend. She had her own little but of independence that I admired – a certain form of headstrong that had us connecting one afternoon while shopping at the local butcher. I nearly collapsed when I was finally given some form of female companionship; someone unafraid to walk with me in public or stand by my side when alternate opinions began to rise.
"Father is waiting in the foyer. We didn't know what to expect coming over this early." She looks to Lacy, of whom is already hopping towards her despite raspberry juice smeared on her lips. Elena giggles regardless as she hauls Lacy into her arms, my little sister laughing too as she wraps her arms around Elena's neck.
"You're here to see Erika's surprise!" she yells, earning a sharp whisper from Luiza.
Both of us turn to her. "What surprise?" I ask, the corners of my mouth tugging upwards.
Elena sets Lacy down and Luiza instructs, "Lacy go and clean yourself up, and get ready."
My little sister obeys, but not before waving to Elena as she heads towards the bathroom. Elena and I look to Luiza, Elena folding her arms while I take the plates to the sink. Elena pushing in the chairs.
Luiza sighs with a soft chuckle. "It was supposed to be a surprise, and I didn't want to exclude Lacy."
"She's never been good at keeping secrets. But what is it?"
The woman's answering smile is nothing but warmth. "Come on."
I look to Elena who only shrugs her shoulders. I take her hand as we follow Luiza towards mine and Lacy's shared bedroom. I swallow past the tightness in my throat as Elena gives my hand a reassuring squeeze.
I take a moment to admire her oak-brown hair, pulled back into a pony's tail. Her peridot green eyes glittering like the surface of a lake. Her attire is as limited as my own, mostly consisting of black skirts and soft colored tops. But even this remote, mountainside village doesn't stop her from looking lovely.
"Do you think your mother will come?" Elena whispers in my ear.
I shake my head and say with equal quiet, "No. I don't think so. Not after the things I said."
"What did you say?"
The doors to the bedroom open and I say, "I'll tell you later."
We follow Luiza into the room and immediately I spot a wash of forest green. Upon entering, Elena gasps as we behold the bed covered in clothes: petticoats, aprons, shirts, tunics, stockings, a pair of new leather boots, open leg drawers, front-fastening corsets, bonnets and scarves and gloves. And the most catching: seven front-fastening gowns of subdued color and cotton.
I can only stare at the gathering while Elena inspects one of the gowns in awe. "What is all this?" I ask.
"It's for you; for your work." Luiza says. I could tell she's torn between a smile and a wince. It's not the same as surprising someone on their birthday, full of smiles and laughs and squeals of joy. This is more like decorating a lamb for the slaughter.
Everyone in the village has a suspicion about what goes on in Castle Dimitrescu – how majority of women are allowed in, and how so few have ever come out. And those that have are never the same as when they left. Yet they never speak about what had transpired within those walls. Many families have received varying yet strikingly similar letters from the Mistress reporting that their daughter or sister or aunt or mother have either died under unfortunate circumstances, or that they've ran away, or have disappeared, or something of the like that can clear the family of any foul play. With little evidence to prove anything, and other former workers unwilling to talk, nothing has been pursued.
"Where did you get this?" I breathe.
"Don't worry, I used my own money to buy you these things." She walks around to the nightstand on my side of the bed and opens the drawer, pulling out a swelling coin purse. "All the money you've been giving me for your hunts I've been saving for you. To make sure you can take care of yourself while in the castle. I don't know what's going to happen or what you'll be provided, but you're certainly not going into the castle dressed like you always do."
Because despite how much I don't agree with the clothing choices of our village women, it'll help keep me from arousing suspicion. Even with mysterious circumstances, I need to make a good first impression if I'm looking to be promoted. If I blow my opportunity because of my clothing choices, I'd be burying mine and Lacy's chances at a better life. I've made worse sacrifices before. This will be no different.
Luiza rounds the bed towards me, placing the coin purse on the dresser set against the far-right wall. She whispers, "You best watch your tongue in there, Erika. Lest you have it cut out."
"I know."
Luiza continues. "Whatever happens, keep the money safe. And yourself. Never forget your goal."
I nod and square my shoulders. "I won't."
"Okay." Her steel-blue eyes scan me from head to toe before she nods. "Let's get you ready."
Luiza drew a bath for me, pouring a significant amount of bath salts and oils until the water had turned milky and opaque. She had also left out some hair tonics that smelled of different spring blooms. A bar of soap smelling of almonds sits next to them. Ribbons of steam snake along its surface, inviting and scented with lavender.
Elena left to sit with her father in the living room while I wash up, leaving Luiza to tend to Lacy. I try not to think about the people I'll be passing as I head to the stone gate guarding the path leading to the castle. Trekking up there alone is an ordeal, and by the time I reach the front gate the bath will feel useless.
It doesn't matter. I'd likely be worked to the bone anyway. I'd be lucky if I got another bath any time after this.
I ease into the bath, grimacing as the hot water stings my skin. My fingers rise to my hair, and as I drag my hands through the tangled mess, pray to Mother Miranda and whomever god she obeys to keep me safe on my walk.
Sighing, I slide under, the water cocooning me as I scrub my scalp. I emerge, my hair still thick and gritty, and pluck one of the vials. I pour a dallop into my hands, my nose filling with the scent of freesia, and scrub if through my hair. I let the fresh scent pull the tension from me as much as it can, and lather my heavy locks. Another dunk under the water has me rinsing out the bubbles. When I emerge, I reach for the bar of soap.
I wash every part of myself twice. And when I finish, I grab a pitcher for a final rinsing, making sure to wipe off the slickness of the oils before stepping out of the tub. I wrap a towel around my hair before slipping into a chamise and returning to my room – thankfully Luiza has many bathrooms, one being connected to my shared bedroom.
Luiza is there waiting for me, having readied all the clothes and my attire for the day. I thought of the layers during this summer hear already makes my stomach churn. She adverts her eyes as I slip into some undergarments and thin stockings. Once I've shoved my feet into my ankle boots, Luiza helps piece together my ensemble.
The front clasps of the corset will help when dressing myself in the future, but for now, Luiza ensures it's a flawless fit. The heat calls for only one petticoat and were it not for the lace along the hemline, I would've disregarded it. But I'm going into a castle, I am now a representative of its denizens. The dress itself has a pocket hidden within the folds of the skirt, and I don't hesitate to slip one of my knives in there while Luiza readies some hair pins.
When she sits me in front of my vanity, I take a deep breath as she wrings the rest of the water from my hair. I gaze into the glass and pause.
I look like myself, and yet . . . I don't. The dress is of a deep forest green, the color opaque enough to give me some life, while darkened and dulled to not encourage a second glance. It would be outrageous for me to show up to a castle wearing colors of blue and purple – though I so adored those colors in the shops.
It's not that I don't like dresses, it's just when I became the sole provider of the family, pants became more useful, made more sense. I barely allowed myself to even look at the lavish dresses in the windows in an attempt to quell any temptation of wanting one. Still, their vibrant colors and billowing skirts and glittering bodices and lace trim still waver around in my dreams, where I can get away from who I am and be someone else entirely.
On late nights, I would waltz around the backyard, where no eyes could see me and where I wouldn't wake the house, and just twirl and step and dance.
It usually ended in silent tears down my face, proof of my heart swelling and leaking from the burrowed pain I keep entombed in a well of icy silence. Dancing would create fissures along that well, and I'd allow myself that moment of bliss – where pain and love and hope and darkness could all swell and crash into me – bursting forth in salty tears and hollowed gasps until I collapsed onto the ground and folded into myself. The sobs would wreck my body for minutes, hours, I never kept track.
It was the only time I dared to let my walls come down, the only time I dared to make myself vulnerable.
In the darkest of nights, with the moons silvery veil as my only witness. Sometimes I thought I heard it hum in response.
Luiza carefully begins to comb through my hair, taming down whatever baby hairs she can as she starts to braid it about my head. My hair reaches past my shoulders, the longest of strands hanging at the middle of my back. It has paled from being in the sun so often, as I've refused to wear a hat as they felt too cumbersome; except when in winter they provide warmth.
Luiza braids and twines my hair along the crown of my head with deft hands. Some strands cannot be helped, but they at least frame my face despite bringing attention to my long neck. After placing in some pins, her hands rest on my shoulders. My gaze had drifted down, and when I look at my reflection, I can only take a deep breath.
Thin streaks of purple still line beneath my eyes, unable to sleep despite the quiet and comfort of Luiza's home, but I have filled out since those initial days moving into the woman's home. The sharp angles are finally starting to fade, replaced by a growing softness despite my ribs still slightly protruding. At least the corset provides a figure of elegant curves. I'll try to eat myself while at the castle, if I'm permitted, if not, I've come close to starvation before.
"You look lovely." Luiza mumbles, sparing a kiss on my temple.
"Thank you." I say as I turn to her.
"Are you alright?"
"I think it's just, starting to settle in." My eyes sting but I shove the stirring misery down, down, down. Refusing to give it an inch of space until I've collapsed on a cot in the castle bowels.
Luiza doesn't say anything, knowing her words – no matter their purpose – will be nothing but kindling. Instead, she squeezes my shoulders and places a kiss at the top of my head.
She mutters into my hair, "We should see the others."
"Yeah."
I rise from the vanity and lead the way out of the room while she stays and packs my things. With her diligence and skill, they might all fit in the new travel satchel I bought from Duke.
I make my way towards the living room where I hear Luiza's husband, Elena, and her father all conversing. Elena is the first to spot me before I even make it to the threshold, and she's the first one to stand and greet me with another hug.
Leonardo stands next, as Elena squeezes me tight, as if she plans to imprint herself into my skin. She steps aside as her father embraces me next, his first words being, "You look the part."
We share a chuckle as he pulls away and squeezes my shoulders too. Though he could never replace my father– not that he ever tried – and since Elena's mother has never borne any children beyond Elena, Leonardo seemed more than glad to find himself two more daughters.
"You be careful in there." His tone implies more of a warning than a wish of good luck, even with a sad smile on his face.
"I'll try."
Footsteps from behind have me turning to find Lacy and Luiza. Lacy's smile is as bright as the sun beyond the windows. Luiza has the satchel slung across her body. Her knuckles are white as she grips the strap, pausing a foot before me.
"All packed?" I ask.
"Yes." With that, she takes it off and hands it to me.
After a moment of silence, Elena says, "Why don't we all say a prayer? For you?"
A heartbeat of silence, and Luiza says, "I think that's a good idea."
Everyone else nods in agreement, even Lacy. So I take her hand in one, Elena's in the other, and the circle forms with Leonardo and Luiza's husband as we all recite the prayer that has been engrained in our minds since before beginningless time.
"Great Ones. Hear our voice. Together as one in reverence. We call on thee within the endless dark. To deliver us into fates hands. As the midnight moon rises on black wings, so we make our sacrifice. And await the life at the end. In life, and in death, we give glory. Mother Miranda."
I open my eyes and immediately find Lacy, her eyes flick to mine. I force a buoyant smile. I reach out to her and I hoist her into my arms as I sit on the couch, her arms around my neck, head on my shoulder, just like she did when she was a toddler. Elena joins us, sitting beside me and wraps her arms around us. For a few minutes, we say nothing.
In a haunting clang, the grandfather clock chimes in the other room. The peal rings about the house, a herald of danger and impending doom.
"You will try, won't you? To come home? Really, really try?" asks Lacy.
"Really, really try. I swear it," I say. And I know, because of Lacy, I have to.
My breathing hitches for a second before Elena takes my hand with a firm squeeze.
Not yet.
Not yet.
I look to Elena and Luiza. "Walk with me?"
They both give a nod and I take the satchel, slinging it across my body. I give my hugs and goodbyes; we're all hugging one another so hard it hurts and all I'm saying is "I love you. Thank you." And they're saying it back.
Luiza, Lacy, and Elena leave with me, Luiza grabbing the crest from the little shrine just outside the house. I never understood why she kept it there, even when it's behind a secured-enough lock. But she is one of two townspeople whom the village voted to trust to keep it safe, and that's what she's done. I try to ignore the grotesque face of the demon etched into the three-inch thick stone piece. Elena still holds me hand while Lacy has my other.
"So what did you say to your mom?" Elena whispers as her father and Luiza's husband close the gates behind us.
"Whatever you're thinking, and worse." I reply quietly, eyeing Lacy who seems to be distracted.
"Did you at least get to say what's in your heart?"
I bite my lower lip. "Of a sort. I called her half-wild, selfish wretch and that I wouldn't care if she died. After telling her where Lacy is going to be staying while I'm gone. Which, I'd meant to inform Luiza about." I peer around Elena to the woman in black, her head high and shoulders squared. A queen without a throne.
Elena's reply has no judgment of disproval like I expected. instead, she simply says, "I'm sure Luiza expected you to tell her. Legally, everything has been signed and said and done."
"Yeah well, what I'm worried about is my mother coming to the house kicking and screaming about Lacy."
"You have the order in place, don't you?"
"Yes, but how's that supposed to discourage her. As if she'll accept a sheet of paper forbidding her to see Lacy." I shake my head. "No, once the fines start coming in, then she might reconsider. Or just fall deeper into herself and die with vomit in her throat."
The thought tugs on a string in my heart, and I don't know how or why. Elena must've seen it on my face, because she asks, "Do you want me to visit her from time to time?"
"If you can stand the stench." I answer, but I don't decline the suggestion.
Luiza and Elena walk with me into the town's square, Maiden of War, both ignoring the gazes coming from the villagers who see us. Their gazes feel like hot stones, but if the women notice it, they certainly don't care. My eyes train on the statue of the beautiful, valiant woman holding a spear aloft, pointed towards the northern star. Beyond her, I see the familiar hill of the graveyard with its wrought iron gates, spiked with tiny gold orbs, as if they pierced the belly of the sun, drawing golden blood.
I pull Elena to a halt and say, "One minute, please."
Confusion has her brows furrowing before her eyes look past my shoulder. She nods to me and looks to Luiza with another. The latter leaning down to whisper something in Lacy's ear.
Luiza had asked last night morning if I wanted to come. To say goodbye to my father before I'm entombed in the castle.
And there was only one answer in my heart.
My heart thunders as I scale the soft slope of the grassy hill. The village spread behind me, glowing in the summer sunshine, but my eyes remain on the lone stone atop the hill.
Upon reaching its top, tears have already stung my eyes, but they don't fall.
Not yet.
Not yet.
I linger by the gravestone. I search for the words, for any explanation or apology, but none come.
The sun is a warm hand on my shoulder, as if telling me that the apology, the begging for forgiveness . . . it is not needed. Yet the failure of my promise to him weighs on my heart, no matter how much I try to tell myself that stripping my mother of her daughters, and abandoning Lacy to Luiza is for the best. The better of our future.
My father had died with love in his heart, and though mine has grown hollowed and wretched through neglect, seeing Lacy with Luiza, Elena holding my hand as we walk through the square . . . There is still good in the world, still things to love and cherish. Some days might indeed be difficult, but I'll do it. Fight for it. I tuck the pictures and memories into my heart. A light to bring out when things become too dark, the world pressing in too much.
My father died too soon, but died with love in his heart, and I hold love in my own heart as I pull a small rose from the satchel pocket and set it upon the gravestone. A permanent marker of the beauty and good my father had brought into the world.
I bring my fingers to my lips, press a kiss to them, then lay my hand upon the gravestone.
"Not a day passes that I don't miss your smile. I'm sorry I couldn't keep my promise, but I'd like to make you a new one." I say, blinking back the stinging in my eyes. "No harm shall come to Lacy for as long as I live. And I will not be afraid to work endlessly if it means she can have a life worthy of her innate goodness and love."
I kneel down and bow forward over my knees, pressing my forehead to the cold, roughened stone.
Barely more than a whisper, I say, "I love you."
The castle bell rings in the distance.
I straighten my back and rise to stand. I look over to Luiza and Elena and Lacy, then to the stone gates, where someone has already placed the maiden's crest into the hole. I nod to Luiza, who takes her own steadying breath before walking over to the gates as I descend the hill back into the square.
More people stop and stare as Elena takes my hand again, Lacy my mother as I walk towards the doors. There's a heavy thud before spits of dirt fall into the grass as the doors open wide, the maw of a great beast as it opens its jaws.
I take two steps forward before I turn back to Elena.
"Take care of her." My voice hitches on the last word, turning into a near whimper.
I don't care. Not as my blood begins pounding in my ears, drowning out all other noise. The cresting silence hovers closer to me, and I know that once I acknowledge its existence, as soon as I step through the doors . . . everything will change.
Elena's brows furrow, and her lip starts to quiver. "Of course."
I pull her in for a hug before I can stare at it for too long. Before the pain of missing her drags me into my own darkness and ignites that fear and questioning.
Despite the blow it gives to my stomach, I give Lacy a hug too. I hold her for a minute, her head resting on my shoulder as her arms rest against my chest.
"Come home, okay?"
I take a steadying breath. "I will. I'll always come back for you."
When I pull away, my sister's eyes are rimmed with tears. I take her head in my hands and kiss her forehead. My thumbs brush away any streams along her rosy cheeks, but I don't allow my own to fall.
Another hug to Luiza, and I turn and walk towards the opened gates.
Beyond it I can see the moat and drawbridge. The doors of the structure are open, torches blazing orange within the darkness, gleaming across the wet stone.
I don't look back. Not once.
But behind me, the stone gates close with an eerie silence.