The bloodcurdling scream that awakened Joel in the middle of the night sent a painful surge of adrenaline through his aching body and before he had time to think, he was on his feet, stumbling, grabbing for his rifle, trying to see in the dark and fin his flashlight at the same damn time. Was there infected? Clickers? Worse, townsfolk? He had presumed they would be alone all the way out in the radio tower, several hours of foot travel between them and Silver Lake, but what if he had miscalculated. What if he had failed, again? What if he – the flashlight fell from his hands onto the wooden floor with a slam that reverberated in the room like a gunshot going off, causing another seemingly unending scream from the darkness. He fumbled for the light with his boot, while trying to retain a grip on the cold rifle.

He was reeling both physically and emotionally, slamming the hammer to load a bullet before he finally registered that the screaming was coming from Ellie. He nearly stumbled, trying to find the flashlight, as his hands found the lantern in the dark. He flipped it on quickly, blinking at the sudden change in the lighting of the small room. There were no clickers, no infected, and no people. Just him and Ellie, and now she was huddled in the corner, knees pulled tightly to her chest, rocking back and forth, catatonic and silent.

She was looking in his direction, but the frightening part was she really wasn't seeing him. He could tell by the empty wide eyes and the lower lip quivering in fear. She was gazing up at him as if in awe, as he stood there crookedly, trying to favor his aching side, breathing heavily.

He took another quick glance around to again ensure there wasn't an actual immediate threat, then released a breath he had not realized he was holding.

"Ellie?" He laid the gun aside and took a step closer. "Ellie." She stopped rocking and shrank back into the corner with a desperate whimper. He paused, one hand reaching out in a placating gesture.
"Hey, it's all good, it's Joel. I'm not going to hurt you. Are you alright? Hey, can you hear me?"

She shuddered, and he knew it was painful by the way her breath hitched in her throat.

"Hey, it's alright. See. It's me, Joel."

She nodded once with a nearly hysterical intensity, the muscles clenching in her throat as she tried to breathe. He shook his head.

"Come on, Ellie. It's all safe now. Breathe. We are in a radio cabin. No one is going to come for us. I promise."

"But he is there in my dreams," she whispered, wide eyes gazing at the knotty oak floor beneath their feet as if expecting David to rise from its design and attack her again. "Over, and over, and over he's there, every time I close my eyes, I'm back there and it's hot, and there's blood, and he's - on top of me - and it fucking hurts."

"I know," Joel replied softly. "Baby girl, I know. I'm sorry."

"I keep seeing his face above me, and I can't stop him, I can't." Her growing desperation and revolt as she yanked absently at her pant leg made his heart ache and he helplessly ran a hand through his hair.

His little girl had been hurt, so much more than a simple knock over the head or a bloody nose. He found himself wishing again that Tess was with them, and his fist clenched painfully.

He didn't know what to do.

The blunt sass that they had always shared seemed too harsh. He couldn't tell her to just suck it up and get over it. This was new. This was visceral. And he was very lost. He tried to imagine what it would have been like if Sarah were the one sitting there on their couch, curled forlornly into the corner, unable to meet his gaze. For a moment he imagined the shame that was on Ellie's face right now juxtaposed onto bright, cheerful Sarah's face, and the thought wrenched his gut. If it had been Sarah, he would have gone out and -

But he couldn't.

Ellie already did.

"Come here," he whispered, his tone making it clear that he was not judging her. She slowly raised her head to look at him. He winced slightly at the bruising already setting in around her injured nose and chin. That was going to look rough for a few days. She scooted a little closer to him, and he closed the gap, pulling her into his chest. "It's going to be okay, eventually. I know it sucks right now, but you are strong, you are brave, and you are a hell of a lot better than all this crap."

She was silent, for a moment, then buried her face into his jacket. "I just want it to stop," she murmured into his shirt. He raised his eyebrows. That was a fair statement, and one he wanted too. But life just didn't give two fucks sometimes, and this was one of those times.

"He put me in a cage," she said softly, still muffled in his shirt. "It was terrifying, I didn't - I didn't know if you were even alive." Her voice faded and she swiped the back of her hand across her nose awkwardly. He reached a hand into his jean pocket and pulled out a crumpled white handkerchief, holding it out to her. She took it gratefully.

"I was coming," Joel replied firmly, quietly.

She frowned at the blood still staining the handkerchief and rubbed at her nose again, then raised her head to look at him. "But I didn't know that. Last time I saw you - " Her voice clenched in her throat painfully and she closed her eyes. "Last time I saw you - you were unconscious on the basement floor of that house and Iwasreallyscaredandtheywerecoming."

It took him a moment to comprehend the last thing she said, as she said it in such a rushed manner. But he was beginning to understand how terribly he had let her down, just as he had told Tommy that he would. He was too slow, too deaf, too stupid to have even tried to make this trek. He would get her killed. He knew it. They had to go back. He had to convince Tommy to actually fucking take her this time. He wasn't going to mess this up. He had promised Tess.

"I tried to lead them away," she whispered. "But it didn't work so well."

He looked over her face again while he had the chance due to their close proximity. The gash across her nose had clotted well, although it was swollen, and the bruising on her chin and lip had spread some, but it looked like she had avoided losing any teeth. There was a purple bruise at her temple that concerned him and he frowned.

"How did all that happen," he asked softly, brushing back her hair and nodded toward her face with his chin.

"He slammed my face into the bars of the cage," she replied softly. "More than once." At the horrified look on Joel's face, she sat back on her heels and announced defiantly, "But it was because I tricked him into coming closer and then I broke his fucking finger."

Faint lines of amusement crinkled the corners of Joel's eyes, and he gave her an encouraging half smile. It was the most like herself she had been this whole time, and he was secretly relieved that her spirit wasn't completely broken. Last night he hadn't been so sure.

"Well, good for you. He deserved everything you did to him. Don't you ever forget that. None of that was on you. He's gone. You are safe now."

She didn't look like she believed him. But she sat back on her heels and sighed, her shoulders sagging as if a great weight had been released from them.

"How did you find me?" she asked conversationally, falling slightly to the side, sliding off her ankles to sit on the floor. She crossed her legs Indian style, and rested her elbows on her knees, twisting the handkerchief in her hand.

Joel studied her for a minute. Her face was blank, as it usually was when she was trying to force down emotions, and he shook his head. Damn you Tess.

"I found two raiders looking for me," he replied simply. "I - asked where you were. They gave me crap directions, but I kept looking till I saw the smoke in the restaurant. I figured something bad had gone down and was making my way around to those back doors that you came out of."

Ellie eyed him for a moment, and he could tell she didn't believe that Joel only asked for directions. But she did not ask any questions and he refused to elaborate.

"They shot Callus," she added softly. Her eyes were sad and gentle, and he nodded.

"I saw."

"You saw them shoot him?"

"No, I saw Callus in the warehouse."

"Oh." She fell still and silent again. Her eyelids drooped tiredly. He was sure she had a concussion, but out here, what could he do about it? They had to get to Jackson, but without a horse, it was going to be a hell of a long hike, something neither of them were ready for.

"Did - did you see the people?" she asked softly. He knew she wasn't talking about townsfolk.

Joel's gut twisted again. "Yeah."

For another long moment, she was silent. He let her be, didn't push her. If they were ever going to hope to sleep again, she needed to talk. She needed to get it out of her system, however slowly it had to be. For now, he would just listen to her ramble, one thought at a time. They had all night and Winter wasn't going anywhere so they had all fucking Winter if they needed it.

"He was going to chop me into little pieces," she whispered, her lips paling and her throat tightening. "Then he said changed his mind and he was going to keep me. To teach me. Said I needed a father."

Joel's head burned as the adrenaline coursed through him again. "Ellie, that's not how a father behaves."

"Well, I wouldn't know," she replied faintly. "I've never had one."

If she had stabbed him, he thought it would have been less painful to hear those words. And his mind searched as far back as it could, as far back as there was a memory of Ellie in his head, and he realized that she was right. She said Marlene had taken care of her. Marlene didn't have a husband, and there had been no men in charge around the base when he and Tess had come across the remains of the Firefly group.

She really didn't know what a father was like.

And the thought that her first experience with the word would be with a man like David, who abused her, and threatened her and fucking raped her...he wanted to throw up at the idea, but she was talking again, and he had to quiet the roaring in his ears to hear what she was saying.

"He said he liked the fighting part the best. Said there was no fear in love. Joel, I don't even know what love means. I mean, I thought I did, but now – now I just don't know."

Joel's heart ached at the pitiful way her lips trembled, still stained with flecks of blood from her nose, and he laid a hand on her knee. She flinched, and he raised both hands.

"Sorry, sorry, I should have told you what I was doing. I won't touch you again without warning, alright?"

She hesitated, then nodded once. "You can put your hand there," she replied softly, glancing in the direction of her knee. "Just - startled me."

He nodded once, and put his hand firmly on her knee again, closing his fingers around the small curve of her kneecap, his touch solid to give her a clear indication that he wasn't going to move it when she was not suspecting it. His fingers were going no closer to her than her knee.

"I can explain love to you, Ellie," Joel continued, his voice rough with emotion. "At least a little bit. Love is when I stay up all night, watching for infected or raiders. Love is when I listen to your stupid puns every single day. Love is when you stitched me up after I fucking yelled at you to leave me. Love is when Bill left us the keys to his truck. Love is when I tried to leave you with Tommy. Yes, that was love," he added when she raised an accusing eyebrow at him. "I wanted you to get to the Fireflies in one piece. I have caused you all kinds of suffering by my fucking old age. I can't respond as quickly as I used to, I can't hear the small sounds anymore. You should never have had to shoot that guy for me, and we sure as hell shouldn't have been here with me passed out for who knows how long and you in charge. You're just a kid, it's my job to be the adult. My negligence caused that and kid I am so fucking sorry for that."

Tears were brimming in Ellie's eyes at this point, and her face swam before his own eyes as he realized he was crying too. She dove into his chest again, nearly knocking him backwards and he wrapped tight arms around her, careful of her ribs. She was sobbing raggedly into his chest, and he leaned back against the hearth. He was never going to let her down again. He made up his mind. They had to get to Tommy's somehow. He just needed a plan.

"Joel!" Ellie sat on the floor of the radio tower, her face a mask of horror. "I can't believe you! After all that, we are just going to go back?"

"Ellie, the men that know about us are dead. The rest are women and children, and a few men that I can deal with, convince, coerce, or kill, depending on how much they want to stay alive. We need medicine, food, and a horse. We can't make it any further without those things."

"Are we going to stay with them, in town?" she asked softly. He gazed at her for a moment, then continued packing his backpack. They were out of food, out of medicine, out of options, and Jackson was a fuckton of miles away. His stab wound was starting to throb with each movement, and he knew he was flirting with infection again. If it set in without continued treatment, he was going to be right back on the floor, hallucinating and useless, and there wouldn't be much else he could do for Ellie. A merciful bullet for them both might be all he could offer, as he descended into the oblivion of sepsis. She certainly might not be able to get them to Tommy's at least not with him on her back, and that would be a crappy way to go out after surviving clickers, raiders, and themselves. A few weeks of prevention was worth more than the absence of a cure. Because that ended everything.

Worse, raiders could find them again, and they would kill him and take her away, and they would do much worse than keep her in a cage.

"Just for a little bit. It's better than starving out here in the middle of fucking winter, and you can't keep supporting my ass with your broken ribs if we go on a walking journey from the middle of winter's ass all the way back to kingdom-come Jackson."

"Joel!" Ellie's face was desperate, and pale, and she looked like she was going to be sick. "I am trying to understand, I really am. But they hurt me. They – fucking hurt me, Joel, I can't go back, I can't keep seeing all that in my head, I can't- I just can't-" She was beginning to hyperventilate, and he laid a hand on her shoulder.

"Hey, shh, Ellie," Joel interrupted, his voice firm. "Ellie, I know. If I could take that damn experience from you, I would. It's killing me on the inside that I failed you like that. And it is fucking killing me to do this. But they have what we need, and I have to go back and get it. I have to get you back to Tommy's safe, and I can't if we don't go back."

"We are going back to Jackson too? But we have to keep going. That was the whole point of all this! I can't believe you are giving up. We have to get to the Fireflies."

"Not like this we aren't," Joel replied. "And we aren't giving up. I'm fucked up, and not pulling my weight here, kid, and I can't put that on you again. Neither of us are going to make it in our condition, and that's that. Tommy can help us."

"You're not running off and fucking leaving me again," she snapped at him, and he nodded to himself. There was the old Ellie. She needed that fire to survive the rest of this crappy trip.

"I'm not going to," he replied honestly. "I just need Tommy to go with us. After you and I both heal."

"Alright," she whispered, tiredly, nodding once. "Just - let's just make it quick, alright? And I'm not eating any of their food!"

He chuckled dryly. "No worries, kiddo, me neither."

He zipped up his pack and stood, holding out a hand to her. "Now, don't worry. We are going to handle this carefully. Stay close to me, don't lag, don't get any bright ideas. I have a plan."

She frowned at him, and then finally took his hand, letting him help her stand. "Great. A plan. Better be a fucking good one."

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