All the trigger warnings...just so ya know
There were many times in his life that Joel had questioned his sanity and today was one of those days. One minute he had been riding out of that crap hell hole, Ellie perched carefully in front of him on the horse. The next minute, his conscience kicked in, and he had turned around and invited the other kid to join them. It was sure death out there for the whole group anyway. They were starving, down several good men, in the middle of nowhere. The whole damn community were cannibals already, for fuck's sake. How long would it be until they were killing people on purpose...
And the look that little girl had given him when he asked if they had eaten her daddy...Joel's stomach clenched painfully. That was literally the worst thing he had ever seen out of humanity, and he had seen some pretty evil shit in the years since the infection.
But feeding a child their father was just a terrible thing to do, even in the middle of a starving winter. Joel hated all humanity at that moment, and what it had become, and he hated whatever had happened in this forsaken town to his Ellie. She had fallen quiet again, perched atop Piper, and he glanced up at Hannah who sat behind Ellie.
"Don't let her fall off or I will yank you off of there and leave you here for the infected to find."
"I've got her," Hannah replied, tightening her grip around the smaller girl. "Don't worry."
"Well, I'm gonna," he replied gruffly, leading the horse carefully down a slope, being mindful of the rocks. "And you better worry too."
"I'm not gonna fall off," Ellie grunted, elbowing Hannah. "But if you squeeze my ribs any fucking tighter, I am gonna shove your ass off in the snow and you can fucking walk."
"Sorry," Hannah exclaimed, releasing Ellie, as Joel frowned up at them. She held her breath for a second, wondering if he was going to be mad. Ellie was obviously like his kid, and she knew how protective dads could be. "Didn't know her ribs were injured. I'll be careful. What happened?"
"Better fucking be careful," Ellie commented.
"I said I would be!" Hannah exclaimed. "Geez."
"Don't make me stop this horse and come up there," Joel grunted, seemingly understanding that Hannah was not trying to purposely hurt Ellie, and noting that Ellie had chosen not to explain why she had such injuries. It would be up to Ellie to explain that, he decided, and she wasn't too keen on being nice to Hannah at the moment.
Hannah watched Joel down below, walking the horse down into the valley. He was limping still, one hand clutching his right side. "Let him suffer," she thought to herself. "He killed your dad."
But there was something strong in him, something gentle, something kind. Her mind replayed the moment she had realized he had come back for her.
"Alright kid. You can fucking come, but I carry the rifle. Fair?"
He had taken the rifle she held out, hefting it onto his shoulder with his own, and held Piper's bridle to allow her to climb up with Ellie. She instinctively laid a hand on her stomach as she settled in behind Ellie, hoping the slight baby bump hidden beneath her coat would not be visible.
"Now, listen," Joel had said from the ground. "No loud noises, no fighting. We don't want to draw any infected in. Keep an eye out, watch your back. We have a long way to go before night so get comfortable. No one else gets to hold the rifle, you two just stay put. Ellie, you tell me if you need anything at all kiddo, alright?"
It stung that he hadn't made the same offer to her, but Hannah counted her blessings that at least she was leaving Silver Lake behind and bit back her frustrations.
Joel took the reins and began the trek toward Jackson. Tommy and Maria could deal with Hannah once they got there. It wasn't his problem.
He only had one little girl.
The other one was definitely cargo this time.
"Stop the horse," Hannah said suddenly. Joel stumbled a couple steps as he turned to look up at her.
"What the hell?" Joel exclaimed, turning quickly to catch her.
She slid off the back of Piper, misjudging the depth of the snow, and fell into a heap in a drift.
Joel reached out a hand to help her up, grumbling, "Shit, kid, you good? What the fuck were you thinking? I thought I told you to stay put? You could break a leg doing that crap, and then where would we be?"
He helped her stand, carefully, letting go of her hand like she was made of fire as soon as she was balanced.
"Get on. I'm gonna walk the horse for a bit."
"Get your ass back on that horse, kid. Ain't no way I am trusting you with the leading. I know where we are going, and you don't. Git."
"You can lead just as well from up there. From the direction we have traveled so far, unless you are planning on bushing it back here on your own, you have to be headed for Jackson. It's the only town remotely still intact from the reports that we would hear from scouts. Now, I don't know if they are much better off than we were, but your sights are set that way, and that's where we are going. Now git up there. I'm not tryna cause trouble. You can direct me from up there if you need to, but trying to walk, and lead the horse, and watch for trouble is just too much on one man. Besides, you're bleeding."
Joel clutched at his side in surprise, looking down at his flannel. There was a slight red patch seeping through the green cloth and Ellie sat up straight.
"Joel! Fuck!"
"Don't worry, baby," he reassured her, holding up a hand. "Just a little bit of bleeding, the wound isn't healed all the way inside yet. That's normal."
"Joel, maybe she's right. Get up here, rest. We can't do this without you, Joel." Ellie begged.
He looked up at her, remembering vague pieces of what felt like a fever dream – Ellie tending to his needs, taking care of him, crying over him, stitching him up, the sight of her frightened pale face as she checked his wound every so often...
"Fine. I'll get on the horse then, but you better not fuck this up," Joel replied, pointing at Hannah. "I'm sitting up there with this rifle, and I am not afraid to use it."
Hannah nodded wearily. "Not gonna fuck it up, mister. Just take a break for a bit. Besides, I think she would like it better if you were up there."
Joel looked up at Ellie, his face softening. Ellie's expression was unreadable, but she held out a hand and he nodded.
"Fine. And the name is Joel."
It took a moment for the battered man to pull himself onto the stallion, but several minutes, curses, and grunts later, he had managed, and he wrapped one strong arm carefully around Ellie. She leaned back against him, seeking the familiar comfort of his scent and touch, then he nodded down at Hannah.
"Let's go, kid."
Night came much sooner than they had hoped. But they worked as a team to set up the camp and get everything situated for the night. Joel kept a sharp eye on Hannah, uncomfortable with the new dynamic that was thrust into their original duo. Sure, he didn't want her to die out there in Silver Lake, and he felt that he owed her a little bit after causing the demise of her dad, resulting in him becoming dinner. "Save the ones you can save, Joel." Tess's voice drifted back into his memories, and he swallowed hard.
"I'm trying, Tess," he thought to himself, looking up at the starry night sky above them. It was clear, and every word they spoke was met with a puff of mist. The evergreens above them soared in a prickly canopy, only letting fragments of the sky peek through. It wasn't as good as a shack or a cabin, but it would do for tonight.
Ellie had still not dealt with whatever the hell had happened to her in Silver Lake, and now with a third person in the group, he was afraid that would not happen now, at least not in a healthy way. She would be more reserved, quiet, and distant. Just like she was right now. She sat by the fire, watching Hannah breaking up kindling into a heap next to Joel. Her eyes were disturbed and mirrored exactly how he felt.
"What are your plans for the future?" Joel asked, in that old gruff tone that Ellie remembered him using the first time she and he had met. It made her feel better somehow, knowing that this other kid hadn't stepped into a place of love in his heart. A place she had eventually earned with blood and pain.
But at the same time, it was nice to have another girl along with them. Hannah was not so different than Ellie, with similar brown hair, barely sixteen years old herself.
But she reminded her of Riley and her heart ached.
"Well, if they will have me, I hope to settle down," Hannah replied haltingly. "If they won't have me, then I will settle down in that part of the country. It's wide open, less infected."
"By yourself?" Joel asked roughly, glancing up and down at her as if sizing her up. "You're just a kid."
No, not by myself, she thought to herself. Her hand went to her stomach for a second, and as she did so, a slight flutter flickered inside her.
Was the baby kicking already? She hesitated there for a second, completely dumbfounded. She had heard about such a thing but never understood what it meant. It was soft, like a butterfly, and a look of wonder crossed her face. Up until this point, this whole thing had seemed like a terrible nightmare, a shitty dream she could keep tucked away. With each week that the signs increased, that dream became a nightmare, and every night she dreamed that David was either on top of her, or he was taking the baby away and feeding it to the community.
She had hated the baby, when she realized that she was pregnant. All she could think of was David being inside of her and it had caused many weeks of first trimester retching that was not caused by hormones. As her bump grew, however, so had the love she had for this tiny thing that couldn't help how it had come into the world. But she hated David more and more.
He hadn't realized that she was pregnant, until the day her father had died. He had come to her, hat in his hands, brokenness on his face. He had cried with her, held her, mourned with her, begged for forgiveness, pleaded with her that he would promise to be her father now, as Alec had died on patrol with him and he owed that to the fallen man, and in her grief, she had told him. His eyes lit up with a terrible gleam, a desire that she had never seen before and hoped to never see again. It was as if he was even more drawn to her, now that she carried his child. He told her there would be a funeral and to come right away as they needed to do it right away so the men could go out on patrol again and find the man who did this.
When she had demanded revenge, he slapped her, sending her flying into the floor. Then the switch flipped, and he kindly helped her return to her chair, reminding her that he was her father now. A defensive anger had seeped into her bones at those words, determined to protect that child inside of her. From him. It would never be his. David would never have it, as long as she was still breathing.
She had intended to run away.
But the reappearance of the man who had killed her father along with the little girl traveling with him had created such a stir that she couldn't get away. There were so many men out hunting for the killer that there would have been no way to escape. So, she waited, partly because if the man who killed her dad was killed by the posse, she wanted to be there to know it.
Then the restaurant went up in flames, and David was dead. The word on the street was that the little girl who had been with the man had killed him.
Part of her was glad. Part of her had mourned. There was no one else in the community that would step up like David did and say all the right things and be a leader, and be there for everyone, even if he had a sick way of showing it. In her mind, she was alone. Forsaken by everyone who had remotely loved her.
But now, with this little human inside of her, she would never be alone again.
"You okay?" Joel's voice filtered into her thoughts, and she jerked her head up to meet his gaze. This time the gaze was soft, gentle, and she froze. Her hand still rested protectively on her stomach, and she jerked it away as if burned. Joel's face remained calm, and open, so different from earlier. "You okay, kid?" He nodded pointedly at her stomach, his gaze never leaving her face.
Shit.
He knew.
"Yeah," she replied softly, turning away and sitting down heavily in the snow. "Yeah, I'm okay."
"How far along?"
Ellie's head raised and she looked at Hannah, an odd expression on her face. Hannah glanced at her, something akin to fear and shame, and Hannah ducked her head, resting her forehead on her knees.
"16 weeks." She replied, voice barely audible.
"Almost halfway," Joel replied, his voice gentle. "Should we go back to find the lucky guy? You could have said there was someone else, he could have come along too."
"Wasn't someone else to bring along," she replied, her voice muffled in her sleeve. "Well, there was, but he's dead now. Someone killed him yesterday."
Joel winced, thinking of the men he had interrogated to find Ellie. Crap. Surely it wasn't one of them? They were old enough to be her dad...
He poked at the fire, his face flitting through all of the emotions possible, his jaw clenching and unclenching. He finally spoke when he felt like he could keep his voice level. "Kid, please tell me that it was some fucking young kid your age, and you two were foolin' the hell around, and this is the end result, and he got killed on patrol or something?"
"I didn't see any young guys," Ellie added, her face masked in confusion. There were no young guys that had died the day before that they knew of.
"He burned in the restaurant," Hannah replied flatly. "After you," she said pointedly, glancing at Ellie, "hacked in his head."
Joel and Ellie looked at each other, the blood draining from Ellie's face. David.
"Did he hurt you too?"
"Kid..." Joel's voice trailed off in horror. Hannah lifted a tear-streaked face to look at Joel. His face was angry, closed off, lined, and she felt small and broken. He was angry at her. But it wasn't her fault. Was it?
"Hannah, you know you want this too," she could hear David's voice saying, his drawl of her name vile in her ears. "You are a little girl that loves too easily. This is the price you pay for love in this fucked up world. Keep fighting, sweetheart. I love the fighters the most."
"It was David," she replied in a voice that cracked pitifully. "He was the father. I - I couldn't stop him."
Joel's shoulders stiffened, and in that moment, Hannah took one step from cargo to his second daughter. He wasn't angry at her. How could he be?
How the universe had decided that he needed two kids after fucking up and losing the first one, he would never know.
But come hell or high water, he was getting his two girls back to Jackson no matter what.
"I'm sorry, Hannah," he spoke softly, calling her by her name for the first time. "That man hurt you, and he hurt Ellie. That was not on you. That was on him, the bastard. I'm so sorry. I wish I could have saved you both from that shit."
Ellie wordlessly shifted closer to his side, burrowing in tightly against him. He wrapped his arm around her, palm resting on her cheek, which rested against his chest. "Love you, kiddo."
She hummed a response that indicated she loved him too. "Who's taking first watch," Ellie asked softly. She grasped his shirt in a fist, the flashbacks of her own terrible nightmare rushing through her like a runaway train, tearing every bit of peace away from her, and leaving her weakly shuddering against him. "I can watch for you."
Joel nodded once. "No. I am. No arguments. Now, get some sleep. And that goes for you too, Hannah. You two have been through enough and she's making a baby, so she's off patrol duty anyway. Now let's sleep. We have a long trek tomorrow if we want to be in Jackson within the week."
Hannah watched him for a moment, bitter tears burning at the back of her eyes, and constricting her throat. On the one hand, Joel seemed so tough, so stern, and on the other hand, he was kind, and gentle. What Hannah wouldn't have given to just crawl up next to him like Ellie was, and lean into his side, and have that strong arm wrap around her, fending off the coming nightmares of David's face.
Ellie had something she could never have again.
Ellie had a father.
Hannah's was dead.
But Hannah didn't know that Joel wasn't Ellie's father. But from the outsider looking in, it was obvious. And she resented it bitterly.
Joel looked in her direction, and by his expression, she knew that he was going to offer for her to come closer. To avoid that, she stood and made her way to her sleeping bag, unzipping the cover and climbing inside.
"Goodnight, Hannah," he called softly, his voice a gentle rumble that instantly tugged her toward the fragile edge of sleep.
But she would not give him the honor of a response. She had to keep her distance. Traveling with them to get to somewhere safe was one thing. Letting him be a father to her was another thing entirely.
Hannah didn't have a father.
The man sitting not fifteen feet away from her had killed him.
And the girl beside him had then killed the only other father she had.
She couldn't just forget the first one.
But she couldn't find it in her heart to be upset about the second.