Back in the QZ, no one ever went out at night. It was a clearly maintained rule, with recordings playing from curfew start to end, and soldiers walking and driving through the city. Traveling at night was a risky endeavor, and one that caused many people to meet with calamity of some kind. There were all kinds of options - clickers, infected, criminals, soldiers looking for a promotion...
And being on top of the palomino, pushing through snow in the dark, gave Joel the same wary feeling that the QZ runs gave him.
Any minute there would be a shot.
Any minute there would be a soldier.
Except every minute kept passing, and nothing happened.
Nothing changed.
Nothing jumped out at them.
"Joel," Ellie murmured against his back.
"Yeah," he replied, tilting his head back in her direction. Ellie sighed, subconsciously tightening her arms around his waist.
"Joel, will we be okay?"
"Yes," he replied, immediately. "Yes, we will be okay. Tommy can fix this."
"But you always fix it," Ellie replied.
"Not today, kid." Joel's voice was tired, weary. "Not today."
They pushed onward, as fast as the horse could carry them. The great white moon eventually burned its way through the cloud cover, shining an amber light across the new snow. Joel was grateful for the little light it offered them, but it still did not help them travel as fast as he wanted them to. Instinctively, he knew they would never make it to Jackson in time without pushing the horse to it's very limit. They had to gallop, had to go fast. But that couldn't happen until daylight.
Through the night they rode, the horse stumbling, staggering through drifts. Dawn came, then the sunrise. Ellie slipped into a troubled sleep, leaning forward against Joel's back.
It was dark.
Only the amber glow of fire gleamed in the corner of her vision. Above her, a shadow loomed, slipping closer and closer.
"You need a father, Ellie. I can teach you..."
"Get the fuck off of me!" She shouted, her voice far more feral than she hoped. If she kept a brave face, maybe he wouldn't hurt her. Maybe he would admire how tough she was.
"I like the fighting most of all," the shadow leered down at her, lips curled slightly up in a hideous smile that did not reach it's eyes. "All mine, Ellie, you are all mine. SO perfect, so feisty. We will make a wonderful team, you and I. The best team that Silver Lake ever had...My little Ellie."
"Get off me!" She yelled right in the shadows face. "I am not your Ellie! I am not your team! Joel! Help me! Joel!"
"Ah, so Joel is the name of your friend," the man above her sneered. "He's dead, Ellie. He's not coming for you. My men killed him. Poor fellow, never saw what was coming. He was so sick, so poorly, he couldn't even fight them off as they -"
"Shut up, fucker! That's not true! He will come for me! Joel!" She screamed desperately into the open air for Joel to come and save her, as the grasping, reaching hands explored and easily contained the small fighting child beneath them, and eventually found what they sought and took it. The fire flickered around them, the sounds fading in her ears, cinders falling softly like the fading sparks of fireworks that she could not hear.
She screamed and tried to roll sideways, halfway between dream world and reality, but strong hands grabbed her wrist and jerked her the other way. She screamed again, jerking her hand free and then she was falling through the last fading remnants of that restaurant floor. Amber light faded above her, that taunting call ringing in her ears....Ellie...Ellie...Ellie...
"Damn it, Ellie, wake up!"
She jerked awake at the commanding voice, and nearly collided with a face right above hers. She yelped, startled, and rolled sideways, flailing, remembering vaguely that she was supposed to be on a horse.
"Stop, stop, easy," the voice shushed her, and her eyes finally focused in the shadows of dawn, on Joel, who crouched beside her, one hand held out in an expression of appeasement. "Easy, kiddo, it's me. You were having a nightmare."
"That's putting it fucking mildly," Ellie mumbled, sitting up and rubbing her face. "Did I fall off the horse?"
Joel's face was blank, and his voice trembled slightly. "No. I made him stop and got you off his back before you fell off and broke your neck flailing like you were."
"Sorry," Ellie replied, resting her head in her hands, elbows propped on her knees.
"Don't apologize." Joel rubbed a rough hand across his own face, eyeing her carefully. He knew what she had been dreaming about. It wasn't hard to figure out. But the part that drew bitter bile to his throat was her calling his name so desperately.
Had she called for him to save her, laying on the floor, while he had no idea where she was, as David -
Joel grunted, trying to change his thoughts, unable to mentally picture the scene without feeling as if he were going to faint, as he tried to focus instead on the broken little girl in the snow. Sure, she was growing up, nearly fifteen years old now. But to have gone through what that creep put her through - he took a few steadying breaths to calm his breathing before he trusted himself to speak.
"Ellie. Ellie, I'm sorry, baby. I'm sorry I wasn't there to save you."
His voice was so broken, so raw, that it made Ellie look up at him, her eyes wide with surprise. Then they narrowed to frustration.
"No, you don't Joel. No you fucking don't!" She shoved herself toward him, grasping the collar of his rugged brown jacket in her small hands. "You don't get to feel sorry for yourself. That shit wasn't on you. You were fucking dying from infection. It was on - him." She swallowed, unable to speak the evil man's name. "You don't get to be sorry for yourself, and to be sad, and miserable. That's my job, that's my pain. I will carry the nightmare of that hell hole the rest of my life. I will always have that. Joel, I need you to not beat yourself up. Don't do that thing you do where you go all quiet and thoughtful, and fall into yourself. Fucking help me, Joel, I can't do this alone." She fell against his chest, sobbing brokenly, and he pulled her as close as he could against his chest.
"Baby girl," he breathed, a hand enveloping the side of her head and pressing it firmly to his heart. "I am so sorry that happened to you. I am so fucking sorry, and I see the pain in your eyes every time I look at you and part of me just dies over and over. I failed you, baby, I failed you fucking miserably. But I am here. I will fight like hell with you if you want me to. If you want to just go to Jackson and forget this fucking Firefly nonsense and the cure and doctors, then I support you. If you want to recover, then go out and try again, I got you. I will be with you every step of the damn way. Don't ever doubt that, Ellie, don't ever. You are a piece of me, as much as the air I breathe. I got to thank Tess for that. It's like she knew somehow, in the end, that I needed you as much as you needed me. If not more..."
"Promise it to me," she choked out, her voice muffled in his clothing. "Promise me, Joel, please promise me. I can't fucking do this on my own."
"I promise, baby girl, on my life. Nothing gets between you and I."
Ellie raised her head. "Not even Hannah, not even Tommy or Maria?"
Joel's eyebrows raised, a clear question, then his face smoothed and he chuckled a little, although the humor did not reach his eyes. "Feeling a little left out lately, baby girl? Hannah wouldn't have anything to do with that, would she?"
Ellie burrowed her face into his jacket again, unable to meet his gentle expression. She felt so sore, so raw, both emotionally and physically, that she knew if she focused on those deep eyes and kind face that she would probably erupt in a years' worth of tears and they didn't have the time. Joel brushed a hand across her hair.
"Ellie, I feel right sort of obligated to help Hannah. Her daddy's dead because of me, and she doesn't have anyone. I have to get her to safety. The poor child begged for her life back there in Silver Lake, we both know that, and I have to try to help her. Atone for my grievous wrong against her. She will be fine in Jackson. Tommy and Maria, they will make sure she fits right in. But you and me, we're together forever, you see. I promised Tess. I promised you. I got you. Ain't nothing and no one going to change that. But I need your help to get her there, alright? She trusts you. Sadly, you both have shared history, and I wish to heaven that it wasn't so. You have no idea how badly I wish it. But she needs you right now, and I need you forever once we get her somewhere safe. Got it?"
Ellie nodded, slightly ashamed of her mistrust in Joel's love, but confident that now she knew the real Joel, and it was enough to soothe a little of her heavy heart.
Joel smiled, a genuine smile. "Good. Now that that's settled, come on, let's get you back on the horse."
"How's Hannah?" Ellie asked, taking Joel's offered hand to help her rise.
Joel sighed, moving to the still girl's side. "Still out. It's not good, Ellie. She should have woke up by now."
"Will she die?"
Joel stood there for a moment, weight balanced on his left leg, and shook his head. "Don't know. Let's not wait to find out."
They rode on through the dawn, and into the morning. The path to Jackson was flatter here, as they descended toward the mountains that surrounded the valley where the settlement lived. They were still a day's walk away, but Joel pushed the palomino harder. It hurt him to push the horse, but Hannah had begun a fevered murmuring in the last few hours, and her face was lined in pain. She was failing, and Joel knew it. He had been there himself before, after all.
They would have been about a nine hour walk from Jackson, when out of the trees charged an infected. The horse shied sideways, trying to rear up on it's legs, while Joel tried to control it with the reins. Staying on the horse was a useless endeavor, and it stumbled into a drift, and fell sideways, throwing everyone off. Joel landed awkwardly, trying to not land on top of Ellie, and losing his grip on Hannah. Ellie fell awkwardly to the side, trying not to land under Joel, or on top of Hannah, and landing on her already injured ribs. Stars sparked in her vision, and she groaned, trying to sit up. Joel jerked off his rifle, aimed, and blew off the creatures head at close range. Then he was immediately at Ellie's side, his right elbow pressed against his own side, tanned face drawn in pain.
"Ellie, shit." Joel grunted, reaching hands supporting her ribs as he helped her sit up. "Baby, you alright?"
"Yeah," Ellie gasped, grabbing his hand for support, one arm wrapped around her ribs. "The horse -"
Joel tore his eyes away from Ellie's pale face, following her gaze. "Shit," he grunted, shoving himself awkwardly to his feet. The horse lay where it had fallen, snorting, flipping its tail, its head and neck arching away from its body in an attempt to rise. Speaking softly, calmly, Joel examined the horse carefully. Then he came back to Ellie, who had gotten to her feet and he grasped her shoulder, steering her over to Hannah's side.
"Ellie, look at me and listen. Stay right here with Hannah. Don't move, alright?" His face was a desperate, pained mirror of her own emotions. She had known once the horse didn't get up.
"Joel," she whispered, looking up at him. He squeezed her shoulder compassionately, and pushed her toward Hannah.
"Stay there, baby, don't look back, don't move. Guard her."
"Okay," Ellie whispered again, her heard aching.
Why did they always have to lose?
The shot echoed through the valley, a valley full of who knows what. Infected, raiders...and now they were going to have to walk. A day long trip just became two or three, as they were all injured. Hannah didn't have two or three days.
In her mind, Ellie imagined the arrival at Jackson.
One forever broken little girl.
One injured man fighting to survive.
And one young mother and baby, who would lie peacefully in Jackson's cemetery, two more marks added to the long list of losses that Joel and Ellie would carry the memory of for life.