Chapter Twelve
I've been trying to remember the dreamer
I gave up on so many times
I've been trying to fit in the pieces
In the depths of my mind
Carry the losses, always surrounds me
Keeping their memory forever alive
When it's worth dying for
~Within Temptation Worth Dying For~
Hawke dropped down on her bedroll, wiggling her bare toes and feeling greatly refreshed after her thorough wash and change of clothes. It was the evening of the eighth day of their journey, and the Deep Roads had surprised her by being quite a mixed bag. The stone tunnels seemed to stretch on endlessly, but would suddenly give way to what amounted to a mini city, silent with its ancient, dusty secrets and crumbling edifice. Frequently, there were large, imposing statues of Paragons long dead, and their golem warriors keeping eternal vigil over them.
It was impressive, and made Marian feel a healthy dose of respect for the dwarven people that had wrought such wonders deep underground. Hidden from all but the most hearty and tenacious adventurers, not only able to brave the rugged conditions but dangerous and skilled enough to survive the many pockets of darkspawn. Anders' ability to sense the creatures had proved invaluable, and she had been daily thankful for his insistence that he accompany her. She shuddered to think how different everything might have been if he had remained behind.
She gazed out in continued awe over the water of the underground lake they were camped beside, the sky-blue light, bright from all the crystals that surrounded the shore and could also be seen deep underwater. When they first entered the vast cavern, she wasn't the only one struck speechless by the extraordinary sight, and had seen similar expressions of wonder on the faces of her companions.
Aware of eyes on her, she shifted to catch Fenris staring from where he sat on his own bedroll, with an odd look in his green eyes. She lifted her brows in silent question. "Something on your mind, Fenris?" she asked with a small smile, amused at how easy it seemed to fluster him since they left Kirkwall.
It was her opinion that he was uncertain as to how to take the teasing and flirting she and Anders constantly indulged in, that type of communication coming to them both as easily as breathing. It had spilled over from the two of them to include Varric, who easily gave as well as he got, then to Fenris, who instead of rapping out a dry or witty retort, as expected, was instead reduced to blushing and stammering. Anders, of course, had taken every opportunity to exploit this sensitivity in their elf companion, doing all he could to embarrass him further.
Fenris swept the area near them with his eyes before replying, relaxing when there was no apparent sign of the healer. Meeting her gaze again, he lifted a hand to gesture toward her. "It is just… I have never seen you without shoes before, you have...pretty feet," he muttered, hurriedly looking away.
Feeling mischievous, Hawke rose, went and sat next to Fenris, sliding her leg against his and scrutinizing their feet, side by side, pretending not to notice how his blush deepened. "I don't know about pretty, feet are kind of odd for me to think of them as attractive, but I do have rather small feet for a woman." She glanced over at him innocently. "Yours seem quite a good size though. Tell me, does foot size in an elf correspond to the size of...anything else?"
Fenris surprised her with his quiet laugh, and when he met her eyes, he smirked. "I suppose so." He wiggled his own toes beside hers, making her grin. "Fairly accurate, in my case."
She snorted a laugh and patted his leg. "I knew you had a sense of humor trapped deep inside there, somewhere. You should really let it out to play a bit more often, you know."
He held her gaze, his smile slight. "Perhaps I will, now you've taken the trouble of unearthing it."
Hawke gave Fenris a conspirator's wink just as Anders strolled up, his wet hair dripping down his back, and his feet equally bare. "Hope I'm not interrupting anything important," he said, with an eyebrow raised in query.
"Fenris and I were just discussing feet, Anders." She made a show of examining his where he stood. "Do you find foot size to be indicative of the size of...another part of the male anatomy, or…?"
He grinned and shook his head. "Is that where your mind has gone?" Looking down, he tilted his head and chuckled. "Huh. I guess that is about right."
"Alright, Varric," Hawke prompted, smirking at his bare, hairy chest on full display. Like everyone else, he had taken the opportunity to get cleaned up, and was only clothed from the waist, down. "I have a sample size of two males that claim there is a correspondence between the size of their feet and their cocks, is it the same for dwarves?"
Varric shot her a look that showed he was entertained by her question, then pulled his clean tunic over his head. "You know I'm not the type to kiss and tell, Hawke, but we dwarves are well known for our generous endowments. Foot size isn't really an accurate reflection."
Hawke frowned. "Are you saying you're all hung like horses? Because that just sounds incredibly painful."
Anders laughed but refrained from comment. Varric shook his head. "I think you're maybe a little fixated on length, but girth is equally important. From the prospective lady's point of view, anyway."
"I…" Hawke slow blinked and ran a hand through the strands of her still damp hair. "Suppose there's nothing else to be said on that topic."
Anders clicked his tongue. "Oh, you expect to question all of us on such a sensitive subject and then be let off that easy, do you? Why the sudden fascination, Marian? Are you wanting to do an elf, a dwarf and a man all at the same time?" Anders asked, crossing his arms and giving her 'The Look' that always meant he was only teasing her and not to be taken seriously.
"Maker's breath," she laughed. "That sounds like it would be a nightmare of choreography and positioning alone, to say nothing of height differences, who would even want to…" Hawke broke off and locked eyes with Anders, both of them saying what they were thinking at the same time.
"Isabela."
Even Fenris smiled as they all laughed together over their pirate friend's proclivities. Varric looked back and forth between both mages and shook his head. "Ya know, you two are really starting to scare me with just how much you seem to share a brain, and that includes during combat and everything else you do together. Something you both want to tell me about your relationship?"
Hawke looked down, all humor draining from her face and shrugged, her fingers fidgeting in a nervous movement in her lap. "I suppose we can't hide it anymore, and maybe we never should have tried." She drew a deep breath and looked at Varric. "Anders and I have become…"
"A threesome with the Arishok," the healer finished in an equally somber tone. "Unfortunately, it is far more difficult to satisfy the Qun than either Marian or I anticipated. It's why we had to get out of Kirkwall so quickly."
Meeting Anders' eyes, Hawke lasted an entire two seconds before her expression broke and she howled with laughter, leaning heavily against Fenris for support. Varric pursed his lips and considered.
"Actually, that wouldn't make for a bad story if I could come up with a really good name to sell it."
"Dominated by the Qun?" she offered. "Or maybe 'A Bas Saarebas For His Pleasure'?" Still giggling, Hawke wiped her eyes. "Technically Anders, that would be a foursome with Justice, since you share a body, he would still be a party to whatever you do." Anders gave her an amused but exasperated look and set to tidying his hair.
"Maker, the Arishok!" she continued, "He's a big bastard. I'm fairly certain I wouldn't be able to walk if I had to satisfy his Qun."
Fenris made a sound somewhere between a cough and a laugh. Hawke pressed close and whispered in his ear. "Come on, Fenris, you know you were picturing it."
He shook his head, a smile tugging on one side of his mouth. "Venhedis, woman, you are terrible."
"You like me terrible," she said with a saucy smile, pushing to her feet and wandering closer to Varric, who had just started the deal for their nightly Wicked Grace session.
"I certainly do," Anders quipped. "I wouldn't have you any other way."
Marian laughed. "Oh, I think you would, you would have me five ways to Orzammar and back if I consented to it."
"Six ways, at least," he agreed, narrowing his eyes as he finished tying back his hair in the usual way. "But don't be smug, it's very unbecoming."
She sighed. "Very well. You sound like my mother, no wonder she likes you so much."
"Are you implying you don't? If so, that's dishonest of you since you clearly like me more than any one else you have ever met, and rightly so. A real shame you fell for the templar before we met, as I am obviously the perfect man for you, in every way."
Hawke tried to control her expression and stifle the unexpected pain his words brought, but attuned to her as ever, Anders immediately noticed how her face fell. Coming to stand beside her, he took one of her hands in his, looking contrite. "Forgive me, Marian, that was grossly insensitive of me. It was not my intent to mock your pain or belittle your feelings in any way."
"It's fine, Anders." She squeezed his fingers, wanting to reassure him all was well, even if it really wasn't. "It would be far better if hearts could be logical and sensible, instead of being so easily swayed by dreaded 'feelings'." Hawke shuddered in mock horror and smiled, her humor mask firmly in place once more, letting go of him to step away. "I think I feel like a bit of a walk around the lake, you boys go ahead and play without me. I'll return shortly."
She strolled toward the north side, the fifteen minute walk taking her to a part of the lake she had not yet explored. The light from all the crystals shone brightest there, dazzling her. A flash of light at her feet caught her eye. Bending down, she picked up a small, broken fragment the size of her palm, then sat at the edge of the bank, staring down into the pale blue water. Turning the crystal over and over, she let her mind wander, the sound of the water licking at the edge of the bank a soothing kind of music.
A memory of her, Bethany and Carver, playing near the river close to their holding outside Lothering, rose unbidden. They spent endless hours of their childhoods there, fishing, reading, practicing spells with their father. His green-gold eyes smiled at her in memory, the rich, full sound of his laughter that always seemed to envelop her like a warm hug.
It was mid-summer and she had just turned fourteen in the particular memory playing in her mind; Father had successfully taught her a blizzard spell. She made it snow and covered the river in a layer of thick ice. Bethany and Carver tried to see which of them could catch the most falling snow in their mouths. Father had looked up, snowflakes catching in his long, dark lashes and grinned at her, the rugged planes of his face softening into a look that still touched her as though it had happened only yesterday. Cupping her chin in his big hand, his eyes, suspiciously moist, shone with love when he said the words that would live inside her until she drew her last breath...
"You are as rare and wonderful as summer snow, Marian. I'm proud of you, always remember that."
The pain of loss from that memory alone made her gasp aloud, her hand clenching hard around the sharp edges of the crystal while she fought back the sob in her throat. Why was grief such a cunning foe? It seemed to wait until you were distracted by other things in life and not paying attention, then it came out of nowhere and sucker punched you, leaving you weeping on the floor, paralyzed by the sudden agony of unrelenting sorrow. Nor could you speak of it or express it in everyday life. No, instead you had to stuff it down, down, deep inside where no one could see. Let it gnaw away pieces of your heart, taunting you with memories of a happiness you'll never, ever get back, leaving the bitterness of loneliness and disillusionment in its place.
Marian thought of Cullen, her mouth tightening as she recalled again all his angry, cutting words and wounded looks of betrayal, impatient with the same memories that only seemed to want to punish her for being nothing more than who she was. What was the point of it all? Maybe she should learn to fully embrace who and what she was, and to the Void with what anyone else thought. She didn't need approval. She didn't require love either, not romantic love, she had lived her entire life without it before Cullen, and she could certainly do so again if she chose to. Opening her hand, she looked down at the object lying on her palm, now stained red with her blood. She could take this opportunity to forge herself anew out of the ashes of her pain, become a hard, bright thing, let life's difficulties break over her, like water on rock.
Her chin lifted with resolve. She was done trying to apologize for the magic that shaped her life, to anyone. It was time to bury the past and move on. Standing to her feet, she extended her hand above the water and let iron enter her soul. Goodbye, Cullen. Turning her hand over suddenly, she watched as the bloodied, broken crystal met the water and started to sink, the wisps of blood dissipating in a murky cloud. Marian watched until the fragment was no longer visible, feeling a kernel of pride for her smart, decisive choice. Turning, she blinked in surprise to find Anders standing right in front of her, she hadn't even heard him in her distraction.
Holding her gaze, he reached out and lifted her abused hand to his lips, his magic coating her palm where he kissed her. Her mouth tugged up into an amused smile at his rather theatrical display of healing talent. His answering smile was soft, his eyes full of an emotion she hadn't noticed previously. Had she missed it before, or was this new?
It was like standing in the sunlight, basking in the warmth and approval of Anders' constant protection and friendship. He had stepped effortlessly into the role of guardian and caregiver to her, easing her heavy burden of always having to be the responsible one, expected to care for everyone around her. She was always safe with him, defended and cherished in a way she hadn't felt since her father's death. The gratitude and appreciation she had for his presence in her life had grown exponentially, since the earliest days of their acquaintance.
Was this new, shivery fluttering in her chest and belly when she stared into his eyes the fragile blossoming of some tender sentiment between them? Feeling bold, daring and open to fresh possibilities for the first time in a long time, she pressed a soft kiss to his mouth and pulled back to see his reaction. He studied her eyes for a long, silent moment.
"Are you quite sure about this?" he murmured, his hands gliding across her back and pulling her against him.
Pointedly looking at his arms around her, she rested her hands flat against his chest and shrugged. "Are you? We're already the best of friends, so…"
His brows drew together. "Then tell me what you want. Do you want friends that also happen to be lovers? Do you want romance, soulmates and a future? Was this just a momentary whim, and you want to leave things as they are, with only friendship between us? You have to tell me, I can't read your mind."
"Does it need a label?" She bit her lip, suddenly feeling uncertain. "Well...what do you want, Anders? If you answer that honestly, it will make everything clearer for me."
He drew a slow, deep breath, wondering how much to say, or how little. "I don't want to force anything on you, Marian, or try to influence you in the direction of my wishes. The choice should be yours."
She gave him a slow smile and shook her head, amused to realize they could talk around one another in endless circles until one of them made a decisive move. Some of Flemeth's mysterious words at the top of Sundermount came back to her, 'Do not hesitate to leap.It is only when you fall that you learn whether you can fly.' Very well, she would stop hesitating and take a chance, they wouldn't know unless they tried. Sliding her hands up to wrap around the back of his neck, she drug her fingertips across his skin there. "Kiss me, and then we'll talk."
His smile matched hers, then time seemed to slow before their lips finally met. Her eyes closed while she processed how she felt, kissing her best friend, the only person who always seemed to know her thoughts and feelings, saw all the things she tried so hard to hide. His lips were softer and fuller than she had expected, warmer, and when his tongue swept into her mouth she felt an answering ache deep inside and a burning in her blood. His magic hummed against her own, caressing, vibrating and tantalizing things inside her she had never experienced before, making her moan at the new and unexpected feeling.
Pulling away, he gauged her expression, allowing himself a small smirk at the shock and arousal on her face when she spoke. "Holy Maker, that was…"
"Even better than I thought it would be," he finished.
"Mhhh," she nodded, her smile growing. "Again?"
"Fuck, yes," he murmured, cutting off her laugh with another slow, sensual kiss that left both of them breathing heavily when it ended. "Marian," he sighed, resting his forehead against hers.
"Yes, Anders?" Her grin was bright enough to light the entire cavern.
He chuckled and lifted his head. "What are your thoughts, after that?"
"What are yours?" she asked with a coy look.
"Would you like to hear the romantic version, or the randy version?"
She tapped a finger to her lips, considering. "What's the randy version?"
His typical smirk graced his lips. "I want to strip you naked, taste every inch of you, and take you hard until you explode from more magic and pleasure than you can possibly dream of."
Marian's heart pounded faster at his words, her mouth falling open as she pictured what he said. Swallowing, she nodded. "And...the romantic version?"
The pure lust in his eyes changed to something that looked more like longing. "I want to make love to you until your heart beats only for me, until our souls are so entwined we won't know where you end and I begin, until you need me as desperately as I need you."
Tears stung her eyes at his earnest words, her smile tremulous. "Perhaps you're right, you may be the perfect man for me, after all. But can I...actually have both versions combined, please?"
He laughed, his arms wrapping more tightly around her, his teeth finding her earlobe and tugging playfully. "You may have whatever you like, I live to serve," he whispered, kissing her neck.
She sighed, his scent of sandalwood and a musk all his own wrapping her in a cocoon of comfort and need. "Is this actually happening, or am I only ever capable of dreaming something this perfect?"
Lifting his head, she saw familiar mischief in his warm brown eyes before she felt a sharp pinch on her backside.
"Ow," she laughed, "what was that for?"
"To prove the reality of this to your doubting mind." He sobered, stroking his fingertips across her cheek. "You do deserve to be happy, Marian. If you let me, I'll do everything in my power to see that you are."
She scratched her fingers lightly across the stubble on his chin and cheek, wondering what it would feel like against her bare skin. "And you deserve no less, my good, kind, noble man."
He grinned broadly. "Your good, kind, noble man? Staking a claim now?" Anders nodded. "I do like the sound of that."
The small flutters in her chest and belly felt like they had spawned an entire kaleidoscope of butterflies, she was practically trembling. "Excellent, because I own you now." She smirked, trying to diffuse some of the intensity of her emotions with humor, in her usual method. The knowing look in his eyes told her he was aware of exactly what she was doing.
"Like to know a little secret?" He brushed his lips against hers slowly. "You already owned me."
"Really?" she whispered, then cleared her throat. "Um, shall we go off to bed now?"
"What, in front of Varric and Fenris? That wouldn't make you uncomfortable?"
Marian shrugged. "It's not like I'm going to jump on you naked and ride you like an Antivan whore, right there in front of them. We're only going to sleep together, as we've done many other times."
His lips parted and he shook his head. "I don't know how much sleep I'm going to get now, after you've presented me with that lovely image, but I'll try to content myself with being near you, for tonight."
She chuckled, taking his hand to lead him back to where they were camped. "You're so easy to please, Anders."
"Do you think so? I suppose you'll find out just how easy, soon enough."
She came to a halt, mid-stride, blinking in sudden realization. "You're going to end up teaching me all those things you offered to teach me, after all, aren't you?" She blushed, wondering what he would think about taking such a novice as her to bed, feeling a tad vulnerable at the prospect. Turning her to face him, he rested his hands on her shoulders, his eyes warm with a look of anticipation.
"Did I not teach you how to heal, and you learned the lesson in a single day?" At her nod of agreement, one side of his mouth quirked up in a half smile. "I enjoy teaching you, Marian, and you are a very adept pupil. I can't wait to teach you all I know of the art of love, but you will also teach me at the same time." At her puzzled frown, he leaned forward and kissed one furrowed eyebrow, and then the other. "You will teach me how you enjoy being touched, as well as things you don't like, so I can avoid them," he murmured. "I will become an expert in your pleasure, and you will be the master of mine."
Marian inhaled a shaky breath, her insides turning to mush at his words, and not for the first time. "I can give you the first insight as to what I fancy now, if you care to hear it." She swallowed as his gaze became intent enough to scorch her. "The things you say to me and how you say them greatly affect me, I have limitless admiration for your effortless eloquence. And in a similar vein, your voice...I wonder if you couldn't take me to all new heights just by speaking to me."
Anders contemplated her words, something very keen and eager in his eyes and smile. He brushed a soft kiss against her lips. "I will tell you something in turn for the generous gift of insight you just provided me." Catching her full bottom lip, he nipped it playfully then soothed it with his tongue. "I don't mind your teeth, I want you to bite me wherever you like."
Her face lit up with flames of embarrassment licking up her cheeks, thinking of what he was referring to, with her terrible blundering with Cullen. "Andraste's flaming sword, Anders." She closed her eyes and chuckled weakly. He tapped her chin to get her to look back up at him.
"Marian, I'm not teasing or trying to embarrass you, I am in earnest. The thought of you marking and biting me when you are taken by passion, it most definitely arouses me." At her uncertain look he took her hand, lacing their fingers together. Smirking, he deftly changed the subject. "But we can explore all those delights at some point in the future. For now, we do need our rest. Varric mentioned we are close to the Thaig he and his brother have great hopes for. Perhaps only another day or two until we reach it."
"So close? I hope we will all receive ample reward for all our efforts here." She hummed quietly to herself, making Anders smile, while she occupied her thoughts with her familiar dream of improving the lives of her mother and brother. It was the goal that had been driving her since they stepped off the ship at the Gallows. One day soon, it would come to pass, she could feel it in her bones.
~O~