Chapter Fifteen
My hope is on fire
But don't want to fail her
I'm trying to reach her
I feel that she yearns
They think I'm a fool who can't realize
Hope plays a wicked game with the mind
I walk against the strain
Fight for what I believe in
I run towards the end
Trying not to give in
She's lost in the darkness fading away
I'm still around here screaming her name
She's haunting my dreamworld trying to survive
My heart is frozen I'm losing my mind
Help me, I'm buried alive!
Buried alive!
~Lost by Within Temptation~
The Deep Roads
Burn, burn, burn…..pain, hunger...burn, burn, burn….thirst, pain, burn, burn…
Need, need, burn, thirst….pain, need, burn, burn...PAIN….
A raspy moan broke the silence of the cavernous room, echoing strangely. The sound of someone suffering.
Pain, burn, burn, burn….need, thirst, burn, burn...pain, HELP! Burn, burn…
A strangled scream. A louder scream, cracking voice. A cool touch on hot skin.
Comfort. Relief?
Burn, burn, help, need, HELP! NEED! BURN! HURT! HELP!
"Yes, I know it hurts, I'm so sorry," came a kind, calm voice from very far away. "I'm going to help you through this, sweetheart. Whatever it takes, we'll get through it together. I'm going to put you to sleep again, just for a little while. I need to prepare."
Cool blackness. Nothing.
Voices. Far away. Burn, burn, burn….pain...burn…
"I don't care what you say, I will save her."
"Look in her eyes, mage, there is nothing left to save! We should put her out of her misery, it's too late."
Voices. Hurt. Anger. Loud. Pain.
"No, it's not too late, you have no idea what you're talking about! I don't need the Wardens, I can manage on my own. This is not normal taint...it's...different. Grey Warden secrets, I can't explain. I made a promise to her and I intend to keep it. Just get out! You both have to guard the passage while I see to her, the spawn will likely be drawn here even more than before. Don't try to come back in here, no matter what you may hear. If the worst happens… Well, you'll know."
"And here I thought shit couldn't get any worse after Bartrand's betrayal and ancient demons trying to kill us." A sigh. "Hawke deserves so much more. Better than this. I sure hope you know what you're doing, Blondie."
Closing door. Steps...closer. Touch. Soft. Smell? Good...drink, drink, drink...more….drink...good… Gone? More, more...MORE!
"Not too much, not all at once. We have to try to be smart about this and go carefully. I'm not sure what I'm doing, exactly, but Justice is trying to help me. We'll figure it out as we go. Alright, I think that's enough, for now. Time for you to sleep."
My Darling Marian,
I've decided to try to write down some of the things I've observed while we go through this difficult journey together, and it's easiest when I'm just talking to you, an honest conversation, like so many we have had. You are sleeping deeply at the moment, thank the Maker, but this day has been one of the worst yet, and I'm still reeling from it. I may never show any of these thoughts to you, but I need a way to process all this, the hardest, darkest moments of my entire existence, thus far.
Until you came into my life, I think I can honestly say that I have always been alone. Surrounded by people, but alone. Even with all my fellow captives in the Ferelden Circle, people I probably should have felt very close to, due to our shared oppression, but I never did. I've had friends, sure, lovers aplenty, but...how do I put this so I don't sound like a selfish prick? Those were pleasant enough exchanges, to be sure, brief, mutual pleasure, but nothing more. It never touched anything significant inside of me, those times neither memorable nor forgettable, just mundane. Unremarkable. Then...you, and everything changed.
You illuminated my soul, colors were brighter, emotions sharper. An anticipation filled me for each new day, along with a previously unknown feeling of hope. I already had a purpose and a goal before we met, of bringing freedom for mages, the entire reason Justice and I joined forces. But having an enemy, someone to hate, someone I'm willing to die to defeat, that's very different to what you gave me. A reason to want to live, and live well, to become the best version of myself. All because of you, for how you've inspired me.
I know I mentioned to you that from our first meeting I was attracted to you, but it went much deeper than that. Deeper than how I got myself off to thoughts of you soon after you walked out the door, or how I dreamed of you that first night. I suppose that's it, at least partially – you became my dream. A free apostate, never a prisoner at any point, smart and resourceful, shielding your magic so you could move freely, even among bloody templars. I couldn't believe you had done that all on your own when we figured it out together!
Magic has so many possibilities, and despite a lifetime of Circle training, I've learned more from you than I ever did from studying the Chantry's 'acceptable use of magic'. Magical experimentation is probably something we really need to delve into, together, after you are well again and we are out of this dark, miserable place. Templar guard dogs are the reason those of us in Circles were never given the chance to explore more of what we are capable of.
And now thinking of templars, I am reminded again of the one who hurt you so deeply. I can't begin to express my rage over that. You don't even realize how much he influenced you to hate yourself, to despise all the parts of you that come from your magic. Parts that I adore, your creativity, your kindness, your humor; your magic is a part of all that too. When you cried in my arms over his rejection and shared your pain with me, I wanted to rip his fucking head off, then put it back and rip it off all over again. (Now I'm sure I can't ever show these thoughts to you, I'm certain you would be shocked at just how savage I can be. Or, actually, maybe you wouldn't?) You love so deeply and so completely, I know it would hurt you if anything happened to him, and I will never willingly hurt you, so he gets to keep his head. For now. If he ever threatens you, all bets are off, it will be every head for itself, and Justice agrees with me there.
I love that you let me protect you, that you trust me enough not to be threatened by my possessiveness and jealousy, but recognize it for what it is- another example of how much I treasure and adore you, how much I need to keep you safe. I'm glad you don't mind my selfishness where you are concerned, and relieved that you feel the same about me. We are alike enough to have true insight into each other's hearts and minds, and different enough to be captivated by the ways we are dissimilar. Dare I say it again? We are perfect together, as perfect as two flawed, strong beings can possibly be for one another and maybe just a bit more, besides.
I'm glad I decided to start doing this, I feel better after our little chat, here in these pages. I miss our conversations so desperately, miss you while you are still battling the taint raging through your body. I know you will prevail, there isn't a doubt in my mind that you are strong enough to overcome this. But I hate your pain, my darling. I have done all I know to ease you, but I do hope you won't retain memories of the worst of the fevers. Fucking taint...I am so sorry you weren't spared this. At least we have each other in this, too. No one can understand what it's like to grapple with taint unless they have experienced it for themselves.
I think you're starting to stir. Yes, you're calling for me, time for me to get to work. Shall I sign this like a true letter?
Yours,
Anders
My Dearest Marian,
I was so afraid earlier. No, I was fucking terrified. I almost LOST you. I can scarcely write through my tears. Your heart, it fully stopped, I felt it. I was screaming for you, both aloud and in my mind, trying to reach you, and then... You came back. Your heart took up its steady beat, as though it had never faltered and was just a figment of my dark, tortured imagination. But Justice felt it too, so I know it really happened.
I'm weeping so hard now, with you sleeping soundly next to me, because I know you came back, for me. I know you did, I felt it clearly in my own heart, and I'm so grateful to you, Marian, you'll never know how much, even if I tell you daily. I can't face all the tomorrows without you, not anymore. Thank you for fighting so hard for me, I know you wouldn't care quite as much if it were only for yourself. You always put the wishes and needs of others before your own, it's one of the many reasons I love you so desperately. When you are well, I promise to make love to you for hours, surround you in pleasure, my adoration and devotion.
When you come back to me, sweetheart...I'm living for that day.
Gratefully and eternally yours,
Anders
Time. Night. Late. Dark. Alone. Dark. Fear. Scared. Dark. Help! MONSTERS! FEAR! SCREAM! MONSTERS! HELP!
"Hey, come here. I've got you, sweetheart, I've always got you. Maker, you're burning up. You're safe. I swore I wouldn't ever let the darkspawn touch you, and I won't. Never, I swear it."
Cold. Arms...hug? Warm. Good. Smell….good...lick...taste...SUCK...GOOD!...MORE…
"Ow, shit! That bloody hurt! What are you… Oh, Maaaaker, why does that feel so good? Marian, are you... Mhhh… Fuck, alright. Wait. Wait! I'm going to take care of that for you, let me just get out of my clothes."
Suck. Drink. Feel. Touch. Lick. Pleasure. Want...want...want...Suck...GOOOOOD!
A long, low moan, and then another. Comfort...warm...safe. Pleasure. Touch. Hold. Need. More.
Quiet. A tired sigh. "I'm going to lay you back down now, so you can sleep again."
Panic! Fear! No! Hold...Need...Want!
"Alright, alright, calm down, I won't do anything you don't want. Will you try to rest if I keep holding you? Shall we lie down together again?"
Comfort. Rest. Yes. Need. Hold. Arms. Want. Sad. Need. Cuddle?
"Here, let me… There, better?" A low laugh. "You do always enjoy afterglow cuddles." The voice starts humming.
Nice. Like. Warm. Hug. Voice. Happy. Good. More.
"I've never been much of a singer, but I'm glad you approve. Go to sleep, now, love, you have to rest." The humming began again.
Safe. Comfort. Love? Good. Tired. Sleep.
My Dearest Marian,
What a consummate seductress you are, even when you are unaware of the fact. Not even the taint seems capable of dampening your allure, but it definitely makes you crave sex, and often. Thank the Maker I have, thus far, been able to meet your needs for frequency, but it has certainly left me in a bit of a moral quandary.
I know you would hate the idea of being intimate when you are not mentally or emotionally present, and I hate it for you. But, and this is a big but, you need it. You need the sex because the taint is demanding it of you. When I first tried to put you off, thinking if I just kept spelling you to sleep, I could avoid doing something that would upset you, if you knew. But you got paler, weaker, frailer, I could actually visually see how it affected you. So, I brought you to orgasm with my hand, thinking perhaps that was all you needed...but it wasn't. You kept aggressively trying to mount me, until I finally gave in. It was astonishing, particularly from a healer's point of view, but as soon as we both reached climax, your color, vitality, everything, markedly changed for the better. Which leads me to conclude that you, or rather the taint in you, actually feeds off of sexual energy, somehow. Without that input, the taint drains you, its host.
It may sound strange, coming from a man, but I really don't like having sex with just your body. It's been very hard. (Yes, I can easily hear your snarky comeback here, as though we were really speaking, sweetheart; it made me smile.) Your body is only one part of the woman I love, a lesser part, (though you do have a lovely body) as it is your spirit, personality, and your mind that truly command my adoration. It bothers me that I have to act in a way that neither of us would like or approve of normally, but for the sake of your recovery I will continue to do what I must. I have wrestled with the question of just how far I would be willing to go to save you, and my answer is: I would give anything, do anything, be anything, I would lay down my life without regret, if it saved yours. My love for you demands that I give my all, I do so willingly. I will close with the wish for this night that has become my dearest dream – rest well and deeply, my love, heal and return to me.
Yours,
Anders
Anders gradually, slowly came out of a deep, desperately needed sleep, struggling to leave behind the dazed, erotic dream that gripped him. Only to realize it was not a dream at all. Marian was naked, on top of him, sucking at his neck again where she had savaged him, and rubbing her wet sex against his very hard cock. His bare cock. How had she managed to get his trousers down without waking him? He didn't mind, but he was beyond exhausted.
He groaned, attempting to reposition her against him, when he slid fully inside of her. He froze briefly before he relaxed into the incredible sensations. She felt so good, she always did, but he desperately missed his Marian. He wanted her mind and emotions back, needed to hear her laughter again for the sake of his sanity, but he knew he had to be patient. She would come back to him, there could be no other outcome, he wouldn't let there be any other. Her mental voice, or the voice of her emotions or whatever it was, continued to be controlled by the taint, drowning all the other parts of her out.
Need...you...good. Move. More. Give...me...need.
Shuddering, he put his hands on her waist, pushing more fully into her. She clamped her legs tightly around his hips in response. Releasing his neck from her teeth, she pressed her mouth to his ear, speaking words aloud for the first time in days, her throat still raspy from all the screaming she had done while gripped with so much pain.
"Need...you. P...Please?"
He closed his eyes and responded silently for the first time, directly to her mind, as she had been doing with him for the past two weeks. It's how he knew it was not too late, knew he could bring her back from the fever and darkness of whatever it was that gripped her. But it was a strange illness, and he still fretted over whether she would fully recover from this. She was asking for what she wanted now instead of just taking it, waiting for his reply, slightly more coherent. That was a good sign, wasn't it? There were so many things he had found it necessary to do to calm and care for her, and other things she did to him. If she remembered it all, would it destroy how she viewed herself? Would she think herself like an animal? He couldn't worry overmuch about those things now when the most important point was that he save her. He wouldn't lose her, no matter what. It was worth any risk, wasn't it? He would have to think about that more later, for now…
Yes, love. Take whatever you need from me, anything you need. I am here for you.
Immediately, she started to rock, sliding him in and out of her body, making them both moan at the feeling. He touched her in all the ways she loved, but it wasn't quite the same.
I wish I could enjoy this more. I miss you, love.
She made a growling sound in her throat, pulled his face to hers and kissed him. Wet, eager, demanding kisses.
Want me. Need me. Enjoy...me. NOW. I...want you to...have pleasure from me, Anders.
He opened his eyes in surprise at her use of his name and looked up into blue eyes that glowed with the faint golden luminescence of wild magic, no longer red, bloodshot or unfocused. There was some intelligence in her gaze again. Was she aware? He sucked in a breath.
"Marian? Is it you, love? Can you really hear me? Please come back to me, remember us..."
"No," she hissed, her eyes going unfocused, while potent, drugging magic rippled from her body into his. He moaned again, her will beating at him, draining away everything but her desire, amplifying her need until it was his too.
Tell me, she commanded silently.
He shuddered, blocking out Justice's outrage while he gave her what he could feel she wanted. I want you desperately, Marian. Weneed to...fuck!
She laughed delightedly in his mind, rocking against him faster. Yes. We need to. Do it now.
Justice tried harder to take control, and Anders shoved him away forcefully, easily, locking him and all his objections away, in a tiny corner of his mind. Though he was suddenly uncertain as to why, he needed this, she needed this, nothing else was important now. Just the need. Such need.
She rocked faster, pulling his head against her neck, crying out in ecstasy when he sank his teeth into her, breaking the skin there and sucking strongly. She came hard around him when his pleasure burst inside her, filling her endlessly.
"More! Again!" He roared.
Taking her head between his hands, Anders kissed her, rough and hard, growling like an animal against her lips. His eyes were shining fever-bright with wild magic, like hers, with a pale, golden light.
My Dearest Marian,
I'm not sure how to talk about what is heavy on my mind, right now. I suppose just writing it all out, honestly, dispassionately, is the way to go. This topic is very disturbing to me, as I am almost certain it will be for you, if you ever read this. I'll just dive right in, shall I?
You bit me. Normally, I would enjoy that, as I have teased you about your teeth numerous times, and how much I like you biting me- but this was different. You didn't bite me to tantalize or tease, you tore my skin to get to my blood, which you then drank. Such a bite should have been extremely painful for me, but beyond the initial discomfort of the tearing of my skin, it felt very good, like sexual pleasure good. I have not really heard of the taint causing this, but we do drink a darkspawn blood concoction to become Grey Wardens, so there's certainly something going on there that they are potentially keeping us in the dark over. Or, I suppose it's possible they don't know. Your taint is vastly different to mine, although there is still an undeniable feeling of kinship, but yours is stronger. Or else, it's your magic that is so strong and the taint has taken control of it, I'm not sure.
Control, that's really the most disturbing element, even beyond the fact that you drank my blood. Because, here is the real reason I'm trying to process this by writing to you about it, you compelled me to also tear your throat like an animal and drink your blood too, and I enjoyed it at the time. It was a sexual orgy, blood-drinking frenzy, and Justice was having conniptions over the whole thing, and that's another element to it that I am somewhat baffled over. He tried to take over my body, which he has done a few other times when my anger was so great or my emotions out of control, but he couldn't. Your magical compulsion over me was so strong, I could barely notice Justice's outrage, and I locked him away with ease. I'm not quite sure how I feel about any of that yet.
I don't blame you, love, you had no idea what you were doing, anymore than I knew what I was doing, the taint was firmly in control, but I'm still working out what all that was. I believe you made me your blood thrall, and maybe that was why you had to take my blood and I had to take yours. It's not what we think of as blood magic really, which involves demons, but more of a blood binding, a blood bond between two people, or maybe even more than two is possible. Darkspawn communicate with each other via the taint, and I think you have been doing that with me since shortly after you became so ill. You send emotions and impressions, or else you speak directly to my mind, like a normal conversation. I have found myself wondering if that will only be a factor while you are controlled by the taint, or if we will continue to be able to communicate silently after you recover. It is a fascinating thought, being able to speak directly into your mind, and you to mine. I will not be sorry if we are able to continue doing it when we get back to Kirkwall.
You seemed somewhat more like yourself earlier today, and you used my name for the first time in weeks, which gives me such hope. I think I begin to glimpse the light at the end of the tunnel, at long last. I can't wait to look in your beautiful blue eyes, and see all of you, Marian, looking back at me. I'm going to go get some sleep, while you are still resting so well. I love you, my darling.
Yours,
Anders
Her fingers twitched, rubbing fabric back and forth between her fingers. Hawke woke slowly, drawing in a deep breath when her eyes fluttered open. Dank, stuffy smell...unpleasant. Still the Deep Roads, then. She sat up in her bedroll and clutched her head, feeling a touch dizzy and more than a little fuzzy as to the passage of time. Just how long had she slept, anyway? She glanced at Anders laying flat on his back in his own bedroll, near hers. He seemed to still be heavily asleep, she should leave him to his rest, he must be tired to be so deeply asleep. Where were the others? She glanced around the large room, but saw no sign of anyone else. Perhaps they were standing guard.
She pushed to her feet then immediately fell back down, hard, her vision swimming. She cursed quietly under her breath. Her balance was off. What was wrong with her? Anders was instantly beside her, a hand resting lightly on her shoulder.
"Marian, are you alright? I'm here, sweetheart."
Her brows drew together when she met his worried gaze, then shook her head. "I'm fine, love, just a tad dizzy. I feel like I slept a very long time. Where are Varric and Fenris gone, keeping watch, or scouting other tunnels?"
He exhaled a long, slow breath and sat back on his heels, the tension in his shoulders leaving him. He stared at her for a long, silent minute before he finally spoke. "They...said they would wait for us a bit closer to the surface, but it's likely they went on ahead by now. When you feel able, we should get going. For as long as we've been down here, they likely all think we are dead, or worse."
Hawke gasped, her eyes going wide. "How long have we been here?"
He bit the inside of his cheek and looked away, toward the door, the only entrance or exit from the chamber they occupied. "In this room? Two weeks. Before, we were a week in another place, where you first fell...ill."
"What?" She stared at him in a moment of stunned silence. "I've been out of it and completely unaware for three weeks? Maker's breath."
"The longest three weeks of my life, let me tell you." He shook his head and gave a humorless chuckle, an alarming darkness and undeniable pain in his normally warm, brown eyes. "There were several times when I really thought…" He looked away, cleared his throat. "Forgive me, I'll try not to get too emotional on you, I know you weren't aware of anything while you were so sick."
"Anders," she murmured, aching in sympathy for the pain she saw in him, reaching to pull him against her in a tight hug. She squeezed him even more tightly when he shuddered, burying his face against her neck. She ran soothing fingers through his loosened, dirty strands of hair. He seemed to have lost his hair tie somewhere. They were both overly ripe and desperately in need of a bath, but she pushed that thought away. "I'm so sorry to have scared you. I can't begin to fathom what you willingly suffered on my behalf, I know that can't have been easy. I love you so much, I'm sorry."
"I know you do, as I love you, and you would have done no less for me, Marian. I would do it all again in an instant, to see you as you are now, free of fever and fully returned to me once more." He pulled back and kissed her gently, some of the darkness in his eyes fading when he smiled at her. Anders swept his gaze over her to assess her fully.
"Here, drink this, but drink it slowly. You don't want to bring it right back up." He handed her a skin of water, turning to gather their belongings. He had everything stowed in their packs and ready to go before she finished drinking, finally handing him the skin to put away. Helping her to stand, he kept his hand around her waist until the dizziness fully passed. She nodded to signal her readiness, trying to take her pack from him. He shook his head, shouldering both bags and their weapons, giving her nothing to carry beyond the bedroll she had been sitting on.
"Don't argue with me," he said firmly, holding up a hand to wave away her protest before she could voice it. "You are as weak as a newborn kitten. Just walking the three hours we still have to go to reach the surface is going to be challenge enough for you. I may end up carrying you by the end of the day."
"I don't think I could be quite that bad off, surely," she grumbled.
He raised an eyebrow but refrained from comment, glancing around the chamber a final time before following her to the door, unbarring it and pulling it open with great effort.
Hawke shook her head. "I certainly wasn't going to ever get out of here without your help, was I? I couldn't possibly have opened that on my own."
Anders looked both ways up and down the corridor before stepping out. "It wasn't secured like that to keep you in, but to keep everything else out and the 'spawn from reaching you. A female falling into their hands is a fate worse than death. If you want to know more about it, ask me again when we are safely back in Kirkwall, preferably with a very large bottle of wine between us."
"Alright, I'll remember that." As they walked, they fell into silence for a time, each of them lost in their own thoughts. Hawke worried about her mother and brother, if they had heard of her illness and would be fretting over whether she were alive or dead. She must go straight home and reassure her mother, at least. Sucking in a quick breath, she tugged on Anders arm to bring him to a stop, her eyes wide.
"Something is...not right," she whispered, glancing around them in concern. "I feel...wrong."
Anders bent closer, putting his mouth to her ear, barely breathing the words. "There are darkspawn down that passage there." He pointed back behind them. "There are none ahead of us, let's keep moving."
When he took her hand to lead her on, she felt instantly better, some of the anxiety and nausea fading at his touch. She swallowed thickly and sped her steps, practically dragging Anders behind her, until the worst of whatever she had been feeling went away, at last. Leaning against a stone wall, she gulped air while waiting for her heart to slow. Suddenly, she felt like crying. She closed her eyes and let her head droop forward, trying to hide it.
"Marian," he murmured softly, shrugging off both packs and all their weapons before pulling her tight against his chest, brushing her dark hair away from her eyes. Her desperate need to weep ceased at his touch. Frowning, she raised her head to meet his gaze. "What's wrong with me, Anders? I feel so strangely, but when you touch me, I'm well again. Is it because I was so sick and you were healing me, and now we have like a….healer's bond or something?"
He gave her a soft smile, one hand sliding under the hair at the back of her neck to rub at the tense muscles there. "Yes and no, it's not a healer's bond, what you are feeling from me is the kinship of Taint. When I touch you, it soothes away all the bad parts you feel from being tainted, and only leaves the comfort of our close kinship. When you are unwell or upset, I can feel it in you now, so you could say we do share a true bond in that way."
Hawke paled, her blue eyes going wider. "I'm tainted...like a Grey Warden? Like all those things you told me...only decades to live before the Calling. Will I have to do that too, like you?"
Anders was shaking his head before he spoke. "You aren't a Grey Warden, not really. The taint you carry now was more like a natural infection in your body, you didn't drink magicked darkspawn blood to attain it. In some ways you are weaker than a Warden, and in others, much stronger. I couldn't feel other Wardens in the same way I feel you. I don't really know how to put it into words that would adequately describe it all for you. In time, you will grow accustomed to these feelings; at least, I think you will." He hesitated, looking uncertain, then sighed. "You will need to stay always near me while you grow used to all of this, it will be a much easier transition for you, but we can speak more about it later. Do you feel ready to continue?"
At her silent nod he picked up their packs and weapons again, and they walked on.
The moon was high over Kirkwall when Hawke and Anders finally stepped inside the Darktown clinic. It was far too late to go home to see her family, and she was barely able to stay on her feet anymore, it would have to wait for the next day. She walked straight back to Anders' small bedroom that had also become hers and collapsed, face first on the bed and was instantly asleep.
She grunted in annoyance at the removal of her shoes and dirty clothes, smiled faintly with her eyes still closed, when a wet cloth smoothed over her body, cleaning her, and finally sighed in contentment when warm blankets surrounded her. But soon, she thrashed around in aggravation and discomfort, a confusing feeling of frustration growing, only able to settle when Anders slid under the covers and wrapped around her from behind.
He pressed a kiss against her shoulder, and she smiled and turned toward him, reaching down and stroking him to hardness. Straddling him, she kissed him and slid down, sheathing him inside of her, both of them sighing in pleasure.
"Maker, I've missed you like this so much, Marian. You scared the shit out of me."
He rolled her beneath him and tilted her hips so he could hit her sweet spot with every thrust. She clenched around him and bit her lip hard enough to draw blood, and he licked at her lip to heal and soothe it, losing himself to the wonder of her kiss once more.
"Come for me, my darling, I need to see you."
She looked into his eyes and did exactly that, moaning aloud. He shuddered right after and spilled into her, raining small kisses across her cheeks and nose as an expression of his relief to have her fully returned to herself. They slowly came down from their peaks. Turning, he settled her in his arms, her eyes already drifting closed. He kissed her forehead softly.
"Sweet dreams, sweetheart," he whispered.
Night, Anders, love you. Sleep was already pulling her down into the deep, dark, when his response floated into her mind, along with a feeling of happiness and warm contentment.
My darling Marian...I love you, too.
Carver burst into Varric's suite at the Hanged Man, the door slamming against the wall from the force of his push. He pinned the dwarf with his furious gaze. "Where the fuck is my sister? If you left her down there to die, dwarf, while you returned in triumph she delivered, with riches that should be hers…" His hands trembled when he curled them into fists, taking a threatening step forward.
Varric shook his head, propping his elbows on the table in front of him. "Calm down, Junior, we would never betray Hawke that way." His gaze flicked to Fenris, seated near him, then back to Carver. "Your sister came down with a pretty nasty fever just as we were starting the journey back. Blondie felt it would be better for us to go on ahead, and they would be along after he nursed her back to health. We didn't leave her behind to die."
"Didn't we?" Fenris asked with a bitter twist to his mouth, staring down into his wine goblet, as though it held answers to all his questions. He pinned Carver with a dark look and stood to his feet. "Your sister was taken by the taint, it is false hope to believe she still lives. You should prepare yourself."
Fenris walked out of the room while all the color drained from Carver's face, his mouth falling open when he turned wide, shocked eyes to the dwarf. He pulled out a chair and sat down heavily. "Is what he said true, was Mari...tainted? Maker, that would kill our Mother."
Varric reached for an empty glass and poured it full of ale before setting it in front of Carver. "I wouldn't put much stock in what the elf said. Anders is the expert, being a Grey Warden and all, and though he confirmed it is taint, he said it wasn't the usual kind. He was sure he could pull her through it, and I've never seen him be wrong about being able to heal someone. Besides, this is Hawke we're talking about." He smirked. "Do you really think something like this could be the end of her? Nah, I expect her to come walking through that door, any day now, demanding we go help her kill a dragon, or some shit."
"I hope you're right." The faintest lift of Carver's lips showed his amusement, before his expression grew stormy again. "She should have taken me with her, and maybe none of this would have happened."
"You sure about that?" Varric asked, tapping a fingertip against his glass. "Maybe you would have been laid up right alongside her, and who would that have helped?" He looked over the red and silver armor Carver wore. "Have you thought about what you'll say to her when she discovers your new...venture? I'm not sure she'll take that news very well."
He drained his glass and glared at the dwarf. "It's not like I was given a choice in the matter." Varric frowned in puzzlement while Carver stood. "Will you send word to me at the Gallows, Varric, as soon as you hear anything?"
"As soon as I have anything to report, you'll be the first to know, Junior," Varric said with a nod.
"See you later, then." Carver walked out the door and out of sight.
Varric rubbed a hand across his stubbled chin and sighed. Bluffing was always tiring, no matter how good you were at it. "Come on, Hawke," he muttered under his breath. "Don't keep us waiting much longer, or even I'm going to run out of excuses."
~O~