Chapter Eighteen

Cullen stood in the shadowed library balcony overlooking the entry hall, tucked well away from the other dinner guests. He had sought out the private retreat in an attempt to come to grips with what spending the evening in Marian Hawke's home had brought, all of it unexpected. The dinner itself was a complete blur. He hoped he had smiled and responded to Marian's mother appropriately, but he honestly didn't know. He had never thought to experience what he had, not only hearing Marian being thoroughly pleasured by her mage lover, but somehow, she had made him feel what she did too. He was grateful that he had been so completely numbed by the shock of it all, otherwise, he might have spilled in his trousers right there at the table.

He lifted a hand and massaged his throbbing temples, his jaw tightening in annoyance. They were obviously both aware he could hear them, meaning they had done it intentionally. To laugh at him or provoke him? Likely, both, but he wasn't the scared, blushing boy he had once been in Ferelden. He had withstood the fiery trial of blood magic and torture, it would take far more than silly sexual games and taunting to break him.

He remembered Anders very well from Kinloch Hold, the flighty, wisecracking healer who had a well-earned reputation for dropping his trousers for anything on two legs that was willing. Something Cullen had personally observed for himself, multiple times. He wouldn't have told Marian what he was really like, he would have charmed her, presenting what she most wished to see, as he had done with all the others. Did the mage really love her? He pursed his lips as he considered. It was possible, he supposed, perhaps he had also matured past his behavior in Ferelden, but there was no way to be certain. Only time would tell.

But he would not abandon her to the libertine, nor would he give up his place in her life. If friendship was all she wanted from him now, then he would be the best friend she could wish for. If the mage ever stepped out of line or hurt her, then he would have Cullen to reckon with. His entire life had taught him patience, and he had an endless well of it to draw from.

Maker's sake, came Marian's thoughts into his mind again. Save me from another one of Isabela's group sex stories. Cullen waited, expecting the healer to offer up a humorous quip or suggestion, but when none came, he spun on his heel and headed for the stairs. He recognized an opportunity, and he intended to seize it.

~O~

Marian absently swirled the wine in her glass, feeling pleasantly drunk but rather bored. Fenris, Varric, Merrill and Carver were all playing cards, Aveline was visiting with her mother. Anders had decided to return to the clinic, due to all the people he had to leave behind, unhealed, to be back for their dinner party, and after their interlude in the cellar she would not require his attention again until the following day. She ran a finger around the rim of her glass, frowning. Just because she didn't need him again until tomorrow, didn't mean she didn't wish he had stayed with her, selfishly. But Anders was eager to freely give his time and talents to the unfortunate that needed his healing, so she could hardly demand he do otherwise, just to suit her, but it did secretly rankle.

Which left her listening to Isabela. She smiled at the pirate, pretending to be interested when she was anything but. A flash of red in her peripheral vision had her turning, a genuine smile on her lips when Cullen stopped in front of her and held out his hand. She stared at it in confusion.

"May I speak to you privately for a moment, Marian?" Thrilled at any prospect of escape, she took his hand and let him pull her to her feet.

"Don't do anything I wouldn't do, you two," Isabela said with a smirk, walking over to the card table.

I think that leaves us with endless options, Cullen, since I can't really think of anything that Isabela wouldn't do.

I heard your wish for rescue, so here I am to save you, Marian.

She slipped her arm around his and leaned closer, a natural thing she had done with him so many times before, it was almost like slipping back into a favorite dress.

Are you still my knight in shining armor, then?

He looked down at her and smiled, hiding neither his desire for her nor his love. "Yes," he murmured quietly, "I'm still yours. That won't change, not for me." At her troubled look and frown, he stopped, but still kept his voice low enough they could not be overheard. "I know Anders has your heart and loyalty now, I'm not trying to change that or force anything on you, but I still want to be a part of your life, Marian. I meant everything I said to you in our shared dream, you can trust me with your secrets, I will protect them, protect you, to my grave. I hope you believe me."

She nodded, avoiding his eyes, briefly catching her bottom lip between her teeth before she spoke. "Of course I believe you, I know you don't say things you don't mean. We can still be…"

"Friends?" he asked with a gentle smile. She met his eyes and looked chagrined, shifting her weight, but still keeping hold of his arm. "What is it, Marian? You can tell me anything, remember? You will never be in danger with me."

Turning more to face him, she drew a slow breath and finally looked up, her blue eyes full of guilt. "I'm...sorry for earlier, Cullen. That was cruel and petty of me. I wanted to hurt you and you didn't deserve that. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I'll try to make sure you don't., um, overhear anything else."

He chuckled, took the full, open bottle of wine off a table they passed and led her to the garden door, opening it and waiting for her to walk out first before he closed the door and offered his arm once more, strolling down the shadowed path in the moonlight. He took a sip from the bottle and handed it to her, seating her on a bench and settling beside her.

"I don't have any hard feelings about what happened earlier, Marian. Truthfully, when I knew you were with him now, I expected it. I've certainly seen Anders' bare ass during one of his many assignations at Kinloch Hold in Ferelden, more times than I care to count. His reputation for being free with his affections was constantly earned, believe me." He tilted his face up, catching moonlight in his eyes and shrugged. "I'm sure you were dazzled by all the knowledge and expertise he offered you, another thing he was well known for. Whereas, I was nearly as virginal and inexperienced as you, when we were together. I only had one other instance of intimacy behind a barn as a teen boy, and I think it was all of ten minutes, from start to finish."

Marian listened quietly, sipping from the wine bottle before passing it back to Cullen. "I knew he had previous lovers, of course, but...Maker's breath, you've seen his bare ass, while he was shagging other people? That's…" She shook her head, her brows drawn together. "I don't like how I feel after hearing that; jealous, angry, hurt. It's hypocritical of me, since I had no problems enjoying the skills he acquired through those experiences."

Cullen took another sip of the wine. "I think it's normal to feel that way. Don't we all want to be uniquely special and highly esteemed, the center of the universe for the person we love, and vice versa? I'm sorry I couldn't offer you more in that way, of skill and experience. I had intended to become an expert on how to please Marian Hawke, and only Marian Hawke. I'm not the kind of person who can separate sexual pleasure and intimacy, from love." He gave her a long look. "And I know you aren't either."

"No, I'm not. I want you to know, there was nothing wrong with our lovemaking, Cullen, nothing at all. You lacked nothing, in my eyes." She wrapped her arms around herself against the evening chill. "It was only magic that divided us."

"Not anymore," he said firmly, giving her a look of resolve. "And speaking of magic, you mentioned you would take care that I not overhear anything in future, but are you also aware that you sent me what you were feeling? Your pleasure, your peak? I felt it all."

At her horrified expression, he chuckled and gave her a gently teasing smile. "Fortunately, I did not come at the dinner table while seated beside your kind mother, but it was a near thing, let me tell you. If I had, I'm quite sure I would never be invited back."

After staring into his laughing eyes for a beat, Marian dissolved into giggles that erupted into full laughter, wrapping her arm around his and leaning against him until she recovered. Grinning, she looked up at him again. "So, we actually ended up in a bit of a threesome after all, Cullen. Maker's breath, you should have come down to the wine cellar and just joined us properly!" When he didn't laugh, she met his gaze, sobering at the intensity in his eyes.

"Do you really think I want to share you? With anyone?"

"What if that's what I want?" she whispered.

"Is it?" His brows drew together while he tried to read her expression. "You want both of us? Truly?"

"I don't know," she wailed, biting her lip before she looked at him again. "I love two men, which is horrible, I know. I want to kiss you, Cullen! I want you to make love to me...and, yes, I want Anders too…. And...I'm a little drunk, and I'm a lot horny because I'm always horny because of the taint, and if I don't have sex every day, all the time, the taint will kill me, which is why we were in the cellar earlier and...and...life just isn't fair." She sighed, her shoulders slumping, already feeling the sting of guilt for what she had blurted out. "Please just forget I said any of this, Cullen. It's selfish and contemptible, and you deserve far better than me, I know you do."

"Marian." His quiet, firm tone broke through her angst, and she turned to look at him, her heart drumming faster because of how he was looking at her. He cupped her cheek, his eyes dropping to her lips briefly. "You really need sex every day, or your life will be threatened?" With eyes full of misery, she nodded, releasing a gusty sigh.

"The way Anders described it to me, because I'm female, the form of taint that I have feeds off of sexual energy, so both I and my partner have to climax, and it's like...the equivalent of a daily tonic I need to manage my condition. Otherwise, the taint takes what it wants from my own life energy, and I become weak and sick, and I suppose I would die from it if it were allowed to continue."

Cullen pulled her closer and rested his forehead against hers, staring into her blue eyes before he raised his head and pressed a feather-light kiss to her brow. "That's not going to happen, Marian. Nothing is going to threaten your life if we have any means to stop it. We need to speak to Anders, the three of us together, to discuss this."

"What do you need to speak to Anders about?" The healer walked toward them from the house, frowning at the wine bottle and how closely they were seated together, crossing his arms while he waited for one of them to speak.

"About Marian's harem, of course!" she gushed in a false, bright tone. "What else would be the talk of Hightown?" She gave a crazed laugh and shook her head, turning morose. "I don't even know why either of you want to bother with me, in the first place. Stringing along two good, kind men that deserve much better than me, with all my issues, and Maker only knows what I've become now. Just put me in a room alone for a week and let the fucking taint finish its work."

"Marian," Cullen sighed, rubbing a soothing hand across her back, while Anders came and knelt in front of her, taking one of her hands in his.

"What do you need from us, love? Just tell us." He glanced at Cullen, clearly including him.

She covered her eyes with her free hand and shook her head. "I don't know what I need, as usual. I...I told Cullen about the taint, about how I need sex all the time, and he wanted to talk to you about wanting to help me. He felt everything that I did when we were together earlier, Anders, all my pleasure and that isn't fair to him….and..." The tears clogging her throat prevented any more words. Anders stroked a hand through her dark hair and turned a sober, contemplative gaze on Cullen.

"Marian," he murmured, in a quiet, gentle tone. "When I tell you I love you and I will do anything you need, it's not an empty platitude, sweetheart. I genuinely want to act in whatever way secures your health and happiness, they are equally important to me, and I think I can go so far as to say, for Cullen, as well."

"Yes," Cullen said, nodding. "It isn't just about relationships and hearts when your life and well-being are at risk. You know you have my whole heart, Marian, you always will. Anything that I can give you, anything you need from me, please just tell me."

She lifted her head and looked at both of them, her eyes full of torment. "But it's wicked to want two people, isn't it? It doesn't seem right or fair to either of you to make you share, when I don't have to. That's so...greedy and awful for me to even want that."

Anders aimed an amused smile at Cullen. "She's too selfless, I think we'll have to tie her up and convince her of our complete sincerity."

Marian clicked her tongue in annoyance. "I don't have fantasies of being tied up, Anders, and I'm being completely serious here."

"So am I," Anders said with a shrug and an implacable gleam in his eyes. "If you think I won't tie your gorgeous ass up and give you exactly what you need, then you haven't truly grasped my resolve where you are concerned. Remember when you first came to stay with me, I made a vow to you, Marian, that nothing would harm you while you were in my care, didn't I?"

"You did," she admitted quietly. "You've kept your word, despite all the obstacles."

"And I will continue to," he declared emphatically. "Since it now seems clear to me that part of that care is going to require an unconventional relationship, and Cullen's participation, since he is willing, then that's what we'll move forward with." Anders pursed his lips and looked between Cullen and Marian. "Perhaps we should set some guidelines for what we are all comfortable with, and what we aren't willing to do. For myself, I don't have a problem with all three of us in one bed, sharing, due to Marian's unique needs, but I know Cullen would not be comfortable with that. Not now, and possibly, not ever. What are your feelings on it, Marian?"

Her brows furrowed as she considered and finally shrugged. "I feel the same as you, Anders. In these circumstances, I really wouldn't mind all three of us, but I know Cullen won't, so…"

Cullen tilted his head and sighed. "Why do I get the feeling I am about to be outvoted here?" He chuckled and shook his head when Anders and Marian turned matching smirks to him. "Maker's breath. Look, you both seem well aware of what my comfort level is in this. Marian, you and Anders together I have already come to terms with, but I would like that same consideration, of just the two of us together. I will try to keep an open mind, and it may be possible I will feel differently about...sharing you, at some later time. But, for now, I think one man at a time is best."

Marian chuffed a laugh, slowly shaking her head in disbelief. Maker's breath, did you really just say that, Cullen? I can't believe we are having this conversation right now. I feel like Isabela!

Your desires are far from Isabela's preferences, love. Trust me on that one.

Marian reached for the wine bottle again and took a sip. Didn't you sleep with her once? She still goes on about that electricity thing you did.

Anders rubbed his forehead, a rueful twist to his lips. Yes, once, at a Denerim whorehouse. I was very drunk, and she was one of several people in the room. It is not a good memory, and I am not that person anymore. I was celibate for some time before I met you, since before I left the Wardens in Amaranthine.

Cullen stretched out his leg and shook his head. You, celibate? Will wonders never cease? If that was the case, you truly must have turned over a new leaf from when you were in the Circle.

Life's difficulties can change us, change the way we feel about things and how we see the world. Anders shrugged. That's what my time with the Wardens did to me, and also why I left.

Cullen nodded thoughtfully. I understand. Similar for me with Uldred's madness.

Anders stood to his feet, leaned forward and brushed a kiss to Marian's forehead. "I will leave you both so you can spend some time getting reacquainted. Perhaps we can arrange another meeting where we can work out some sort of schedule. And I was thinking we should set up a part of the cellar for our magical studies and experimentation, Marian. We could also easily add a bedroom down there. With a separate entrance, no one need be the wiser as to Cullen's comings and goings."

Marian snickered and Anders gave her an amused, affectionate look. "I knew you wouldn't be able to resist that, you never can. I'll see you later, sweetheart. Cullen."

"Goodnight, love."

"Goodnight, Anders."

He walked back down the path and went in the house, shutting the door behind him. Marian clasped her hands in her lap, feeling strange and awkward until Cullen touched her hair with gentle fingers. She turned toward him and met his gaze for a suspended moment, holding her breath when he leaned nearer, releasing it in a soft sigh when his lips brushed her own. Her eyes closed when his lips pressed more firmly against hers, one careful kiss flowing to the next, and the next. Her fingers mapped the contours of his face, relearning the feel of his stubbled cheek, the shape of his ear. His tongue against hers drew a small sound from her, and a moan when he pulled her firmly against him, the strength of his arms surrounding her, making her feel small, but safe. He drew back enough to gaze into her eyes.

Her whisper was barely a breath of sound. "It's like..."

"Coming home," he said, in an equally hushed tone.

She smiled, amazed and thrilled that he felt the same as she did. "Yes." Marian stroked a hand against his face, while he did the same to her. "Just like home."

~O~