Chapter Nineteen

~O~

It was the middle of the night, and all the dinner guests were long gone by the time Marian quietly opened her bedroom door and slipped inside, surprised to find Anders still awake, with the lamps lit. He looked up, smiled, and set aside the book he was reading on the nightstand next to him. She leaned back against the door and drew a deep breath before she pushed away from it, walking nearer to the bed.

"I expected you would be asleep by now," she said, in a hushed tone.

He examined her expression intently for a quiet moment. "I thought you might need to talk a bit, or discuss how you're feeling about everything. How was your time with Cullen?"

Blushing from the shame, embarrassment and guilt she couldn't seem to stop, she turned away from his perceptive gaze and shrugged. "Um, fine. We talked a bit more, and...other things. Surely you don't want to hear about that, do you?"

Rising, he walked to her, reached out and tilted her chin up, forcing her to meet his eyes. He smiled gently and shook his head. "You have nothing to feel guilty about, sweetheart. This is exactly why I was waiting for you, I knew you would be beating yourself up over everything."

Her eyes filled with tears at his words, and she clung tightly to him when he pulled her into his arms. Stroking his fingers soothingly through her hair, he pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "We are all adults, Marian, and anything consensual between the three of us is our business, it concerns no one else. Would you feel guilty right now if all three of us were together in the cellar earlier?"

She shook her head against his chest, still not trusting her voice. "Exactly, so the reason you are feeling the way you are, is that you imagine I'm upset or jealous, yes?" A nod against his chest was her response. He tugged her toward the bed and pulled her down with him, ending with them both sitting up in the bed, leaning against a mountain of cushions, with her in his arms again and her head tucked beneath his chin.

"I'm not upset and I'm not jealous, love. Do you know why?"

"No, why?" she whispered, finding her voice again.

"Well, first, I don't want to have sex with Cullen, he's not remotely my type." At her quiet chuckle, he kissed the crown of her head. "And second, this has all been honorably arranged between us."

Sitting up, she turned toward him and gave him an incredulous look. "It's honorable for me to have sex with my former lover, even though you and I are in a committed relationship with each other? How? I don't want you to be with anyone but me, yet somehow it's alright if I cheat? That's a bullshit double standard, Anders, and I hate it. I hate myself right now." She rubbed a hand across her forehead.

"Yes, it is honorable," he fired back, "we discussed it and made the decision together. There's no betrayal here, no deception, you have my full consent and blessing to be with Cullen. Marian, look at me," he commanded, in a firm tone, his expression loving but unyielding when she did as he asked and met his gaze. "If I were in your place, with the same condition, would you deny me what I needed to be well, even if it meant I was intimate with another woman?"

She frowned. "No, of course not. Anything you needed to be well would be...fine with me." She winced at his gentle smile. "I understand what you're saying, Anders, with my mind it makes perfect sense, but emotionally, I feel like an unfaithful whore."

Taking her face between both of his hands, he brought her eyes back to his, the warm brown of his gaze full of leashed anger. "Do not ever call yourself that, Marian Hawke, it isn't true and it never will be."

Her eyes filled with tears again. "I'm sorry," she said in a watery voice. "I'm so sorry everything has to be all wrong and messed up between us, because of me."

Sighing, he pulled her to him, kissed her gently, a hint of a teasing smile tugging at his lips. "What if you look at it this way? I am your primary caretaker, I administer your daily treatments you require, your tonic. But what if circumstances arise and I can't always be available when you need me? What if you sometimes need higher doses, or multiple doses, and it's more than I can manage, alone? Cullen is my novice assistant, ready to step in and fill any gaps in your care, and I know he'll do a good job of it."

Marian gave an incredulous snort. "How do you know that?"

He tilted her face from side to side, stroked a hand against her cheek, fully in healer mode as he examined her before he pinned her with a probing look. "Did you come when you were with him earlier, after I left you alone?" She shook her head and he gave her an exasperated, affectionate smile. "So you made him come and denied yourself. Why doesn't that surprise me?"

Her eyes widened. "How do you know I made him come, did you hear? I didn't think I spoke aloud in my mind to you."

He smirked. "You didn't, I never heard anything. Your eyes are brighter, and your skin has the glow you keep for a little while after you've had sex. If this is the result of just him coming and not you, then I'm very pleased by this, the taint seems well fed on just him." He sat back with a thoughtful look. "We should do some testing. I think I'll start writing down details, particulars as to who comes, how many times, what method, how long it lasts you. That will enable me to craft a more precise regimen, exactly tailored to your needs."

She tilted her head. "Are you...actually excited by all this? You have your eager healer face on."

Smiling, he tugged her nearer, settling her straddling his lap, facing him. "I might be just a little excited. Do you mind?" He brushed his hands up her thighs, pushing her dress higher. Slipping his fingers beneath her smalls, he watched her avidly while she released a stuttering breath.

"Why….would I mind?" She bit her lip when his fingers circled her entrance, teasing her, purposefully avoiding her clitoris.

His eyes turned hungry, commanding hers with his gaze, trapping her, not allowing her to look away. "What if I wanted to watch you together, would you let me? Secretly?"

Gasping when his fingers penetrated her, she gave a helpless moan when his thumb finally slid across her clit. His expression became pure desire when his fingers easily slid deeper inside her.

"You just completely soaked my fingers, Marian. You want me to watch. The thought of it turns you on, doesn't it?"

Briefly closing her eyes, she met and held his gaze again. "Yes. I don't know why, it never did before, but it does now. It wouldn't...upset you, would it?"

Continuing to hold her eyes captive, he leaned forward, pressed his lips barely against hers, his tongue coming out to follow the curve of her lips before he slid it into her mouth and across her tongue, drawing another moan from her when he sucked her tongue. Tilting her head, he licked at her earlobe.

"It wouldn't upset me at all. I love your pleasure, love seeing you fall apart from it. I wouldn't have minded watching you give him head earlier, because I know how much you enjoy it. But right now, I desperately need your beautiful cunt, all to myself. Take off your clothes and lie back for me, love."

She obeyed quickly, and he removed the sleeping pants he wore, leaving them both nude, their usual preference. When he moved to lay between her legs, she let them fall open to welcome him, one hand gripping the bedding and the other flying to his head to weave her fingers into the soft, red-gold strands, in anticipation.

Sliding his hands beneath her ass, he lifted her up to his mouth and speared his tongue deep, groaning at the wet bounty that instantly coated his tongue and covered his face where he pressed against her. He closed his eyes to fully focus on the experience of savoring her, delved further with his tongue, his nose perfectly aligned with her clitoris. Skillfully, he used it to turn her quiet moans into full cries that fed his voracious desire as surely as his pleasure fed hers.

She came on his tongue, once, twice, still he pushed her further, needed to give her more. When she shuddered beneath him for the third time, he watched her face, reveled in the golden glow from her eyes that he knew matched his own. It was like the frenzy he had experienced with her before, but he welcomed it now, didn't need compulsion for any of it, he was eager to give her everything.

Sitting up, he again lifted her hips, driving his cock into her until all of him was buried deep, his eyes holding her magic-laced gaze. Obeying the unspoken command and need he saw there, he started driving into her, hard, deep, the bed shaking with the vigor of his thrusts, fucking her in earnest. Her eyes changed, shone impossibly brighter, her cries now communicating the all-consuming need only he heard. Eagerly, he pulled her upright while he sat on his folded legs, moving her so her body was now fucking his. Tilting his head, he pulled her face closer to his neck, offering. Her eyes held his, fully lucid and aware, considering, accepting, before she bent her head and bit into him, making him cry out hoarsely from the intense pleasure of her mouth moving at his throat.

His eyes slid closed in anticipation when she pulled his head to her neck, in turn. When he bit into her, moaning at the rich, indescribable taste of her on his tongue, she wailed and came, the intensity of her body milking his just shy of painful, the pleasure of their joint climax, ultimately greater than anything he had ever experienced, by the time he finally released her from his mouth. Their gasping breaths were loud, both of them sweat-slick and trembling in the aftermath. Her tongue glided over his throat, licking gently, then he felt her magic heal the small wound, the sensation comforting, warm. Opening his eyes, he bent to her neck again, sucked, then lapped, before he finally healed the wound, no evidence of what had just happened beyond the original, matching scars they bore from their very first exchange.

But she had never been aware before, and he found himself wondering what her reaction would be, while he also mused on his complete lack of revulsion, which was new. They both clearly felt the urge and acted on it, but they weren't compelled. Strange. He would need to start documenting all of it, perhaps look for patterns or cycles from the taint, and what it demanded and when. They were both currently operating blind, and they needed to figure it out.

She pulled his mouth to hers, kissed him deep, her tongue tangling with his. He could taste both of them on their tongues, knew she could too, and it was bloody delicious. He almost laughed at that thought. What the fuck was the taint doing to them? Was it all from the taint, or something else? He opened his eyes when she broke the kiss, searched her gaze for any negative emotion, relieved when he found none. She was examining him just as closely, then dropped her gaze to his neck, running the tips of her fingers over the small scar, smiling when he shivered and goosebumps rose on his skin.

"That's not the first time that happened," she said, finally breaking the silence.

He shook his head, still trying to gauge her reaction. He had expected her to panic, possibly cry and scream. He hadn't expected calm. "No, that's the third time, if my memories are accurate."

She lifted off of him and laid back across the pillows at the head of the bed, waiting for him to lie beside her before turning on her side to face him. "I seem to have some very hazy, fuzzy memories of another time, but they don't feel like memories, more like a dream I had. But you say you remember clearly?"

Anders hesitated briefly before he nodded. "Previously, we were both...compelled to do it. I couldn't resist the compulsion and neither could you, that was when you were fully under the power of the taint, unaware of any of your actions. Honestly, I'm surprised you're taking it so calmly, I was fairly panicked after the fact, as well as revolted. But this time…"

"We weren't compelled, and we don't seem to be revolted either." She pursed her lips. "I was surprised that you actually taste…"

"Bloody delicious?" He asked with a teasing smile.

She rolled her eyes and laughed. "Yes. Pun fully intended, right? But I've had blood in my mouth before, it's definitely never been pleasant and I always spat it out, so is this just something between the two of us, due to taint bond, blood bond, whatever you want to call it?"

"I don't know," he admitted. "I'm as much in the dark with all this as you are. Grey Warden taint isn't like this, it's nightmares of darkspawn and all bad feelings, whereas your taint is…" He stopped and shook his head. "Your taint is seductive, persuasive, overwhelming pleasure in everything, blood sharing that's almost as pleasurable as full orgasm, so what are we really looking at here?"

"I read something once," she offered hesitantly. "I think it was presented as fiction or at least myth, but it was about a creature, a spirit or demon, I don't know, but female in form, with a physical body. But it would come to men while they slept and compel them to have sex, and she would feed from their pleasure." Marian looked at Anders and shrugged. "All myth comes from somewhere, so maybe there really is something like that. Maybe...that's what I am?"

"Yes, I know what you're talking about. I remember reading about it when I was in the Circle in Ferelden. They aren't just female, there are male versions too, but I can't remember what they're called. I remember thinking they sounded like demons, but they weren't classified as that. What if they weren't necessarily that way originally? If it's something caught, like an infection or the taint, maybe it's just ordinary people that then become that? Like with werewolves."

Marian's eyes went wide. "There are also myths about creatures that only drink blood, seductive, beautiful men or women, unnaturally strong, with other powers, I don't remember what they're called either, but you don't think I could be infected with that?"

He rubbed a hand across his chin. "I think you're talking about something called vampyr, they're more like corpses, can only come out at night, and they only survive on blood. That's definitely fictitious, sounds more like a ghoul, or some other dead creature that's just animated by demons using the bodies."

He looked over at Marian to find her eyes narrowed in thought while she stared at him, and she no longer seemed to be listening to what he was saying. "Anders, how did you know I gave Cullen head earlier? I didn't mention it."

He shook his head and smirked. "I wondered how long it would take before your curiosity made you ask. Are you absolutely certain you want to know? The answer may embarrass you."

She sighed in exasperation. "Now, I have to know. Tell me, please."

"Alright," he grinned. "If you're sure. When I first kissed you a bit ago, I could taste it on your tongue." He watched her process her thoughts, chuckling at her expression and what it revealed.

"Why is that...oddly sensual?" She tilted her head, also trying to glean his feelings from his expression, but having little success. "You didn't find that...off-putting, or...unpleasant?"

He laughed and reached for her hand, pressing his lips to it and smiling mischievously. "Marian, you're aware I have a past, and that I've had a good many lovers, especially during my years in the Circle."

Frowning, she nodded. "Yes, but what does that...oh…"

He brushed his lips against her hand again, the same smile still on his face. "Yes, I see you figured it out, not all my lovers were women. I'm surprised it didn't occur to you before, although…" He pursed his lips and his eyes softened into an adoring look. "No, I suppose I'm not surprised, my sweet little innocent, patiently waiting for my corrupting influence, and even after, you're somehow still just as sweet and innocent."

Blushing, she looked down. "Yes, sweet and innocent, which is really just incredibly condescending code for ignorant and stupid. I'm sure I'm very boring to you, after so many...others."

Before he could reply, she was out of the bed, across the room, and locking herself into the bathroom. Turning on the water in the bath, she climbed in, pulled her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around them before lowering her head and allowing the tears to fall. When she heard his voice in her head, apologizing, imploring her, she focused on building a mental brick wall, one large, heavy brick at a time, methodically stacking them, another after another. When she couldn't hear him anymore, she laid back in the hot water and let her mind drift.

Immediately, her thoughts turned to Cullen, selfishly wishing she had his strong arms around her again in comfort, but knowing he was well out of her reach. Her tears fell faster as she finally acknowledged her complete terror of how she was now, uncertain if she should consider herself a less scary version of a darkspawn. Her grief rose as she contemplated whether she could still even consider herself fully human, or not.

She turned off the taps and laid back again, wishing she could run away from reality, or transform into a bird, or dragon, like Flemeth. One that could fly far, far away, where there was no such thing as taint, or darkspawn, or complicated relationships, or endless responsibility. Everything that used to be so back and white to her, now seemed to be doused in limitless shades of gray. Where had all her certainties gone? Her life had made a meal of them, devoured all certainty, and all the beauties in life she had taken for granted, as well. Would the endless well of sorrow inside of her ever run dry, or would it continue to dig deeper and grow? Until there was nothing else left inside of her.

A warm hand caressed her face, making her eyes fly open in shock to see Cullen sitting on a chair next to her bath. Confused, she examined him, from his bare chest down to his trousers and bare feet.

"Are...you really here?" she asked in a trembling voice.

With a soft smile he shook his head. "No, but I wish I were." His eyes moved appraisingly over her, fully visible in the clear water of the bath. "Actually, it's probably best I'm not since we wouldn't be talking if I were there, and I think you need to talk." Reaching out, he brushed the backs of his fingers against her cheek, wiping at the tears there. "You're sad. What happened? You weren't sad when I left you."

"Yes, I was, I just tried to hide it, but I would rather tell you the truth. I hate my life," she whispered, in stark honesty. "I hate what I am now, and there's nothing I can do about it. Can I...will you hold me for a little while if I get out?"

He stared into her eyes for a silent moment, then stood and shoved off what little clothing he wore. "Move forward a bit." When she did, he climbed into the bath and pulled her so her side rested against his chest, settling her there and wrapping his arms around her, tilting her face up for his gentle kiss that made her sigh.

"I wish you lived here with me, Cullen. We never got to have that. Or any of the good things we could have had, if I weren't cursed."

"Marian, you aren't cursed." He moved her hair out of her eyes so he could see her clearly. "I love you, just as you are. How many people can bring the one they love to them in a dream that isn't a dream? That's extraordinary."

"Dreams are just that, Cullen, they have no substance. What comfort is a memory in the painful light of day?"

"They were a great comfort to me when you were gone," he replied, rubbing a soothing hand up and down her arm. "Even the ones where you were suffering, because I knew you were still alive, still fighting through the pain, fighting to come back. You're an incredibly strong person, beloved. The strongest I have ever known."

She looked up at him with watery eyes. "But I don't feel strong...I feel weak, and fearful...and alone." Burying her face against his chest, she wrapped her arms around him, felt him kiss her hair.

"Even the strongest person needs time to rest and recover. I don't think you've had much of a chance to rest since the deep roads, and you've been hit with so many hard, challenging changes in your life." He kissed her hair again and lifted her chin so he could see her eyes.

"I want to slay all your dragons for you, my beloved Marian. But you don't need me to, so let me give you what I think you do need...my arms, whenever you want comforting. My heart, when you need to feel my love, a listening ear when you want to talk about what you're feeling or struggling with. A safe place to do or say whatever you need or want to, and a lover when you want my touch. I'm yours, all of me, until I draw my last breath."

She gave him a glowing smile, her eyes shining brightly. "I love you, Cullen. Thank you for not giving up on me, even through all this horrible taint stuff. Will you promise to come see me soon, in person?" She wrinkled her nose impishly. "Dream baths are nice, but I miss spending time with you, even just to talk, like now."

He pressed a kiss to her lips and smiled. "I promise. If not tomorrow, then the day after. Is that alright?"

"Sounds perfect." She laid her head against his chest and closed her eyes, soaking in his presence more than the water. Smiling when his arms tightened briefly around her in a hug.

~O~

A loud pounding startled Marian awake, a wince going through her from where her arms had gone to sleep, from the weight of her head against them over the edge of the bath. The water was ice cold, so she pulled the plug and stood, feeling groggy and disoriented. Another bang on the door had her reaching quickly for a towel to dry off.

"Marian, if you don't open this door, I swear I'll break it down," Anders called, sounding angrier than she had ever heard him.

Biting her lip, she undid the bolt and yanked the door open, feeling silly and embarrassed over the way she had acted. With her gaze fixed firmly on the floor in front of his feet, she shifted uncomfortably and drew in a fortifying breath.

"I'm...sorry for how I acted, I just…" She sighed. "I'm...sorry." Her eyes widened in surprise when she was engulfed in a tight hug, guilt filling her when Anders shuddered, clearly upset. She wound her arms around him, hugging him back, and feeling even more like a selfish git and an idiot.

"You have nothing to apologize for," he said in a fervent tone. "I was stupid and insensitive to bring up my past as I did. I'm so sorry I hurt you, love, it's the last thing I ever want to do." He pulled back, examining her face. "Can you forgive me?"

She smiled hesitantly, embarrassed by her behavior all over again, a hot blush burning her cheeks while she avoided his eyes. "There's nothing to forgive. I acted like a spoiled child. Please, can we just forget it happened?" She darted a glance at him before she stepped around him and went into the dressing room, throwing on underclothes and her new light armor set from Varric, sitting on a low bench to pull on her boots. After strapping on her sword, she left the dressing room and walked into the bedroom, Anders trailing behind her, unusually silent. She glanced back at him to find his eyes already on her face, with a disturbed expression. He closed the distance between them, but didn't touch her.

"You shut me out, Marian, completely. I'm sorry I hurt you, desperately sorry, but it hurt when you closed your mind to me. Did you want to hurt me, or were you just needing space?"

"I wasn't trying to hurt you, Anders, I wouldn't do that intentionally. I just needed to...work through some of how I was feeling about everything. Have a little pity party alone, so I can suck it up and get on with things today." She reached for his hand and squeezed it. "It won't happen again. We're forgiving each other and moving past this now, alright?" Feeling a pang at the uncertainty still on his face, she stepped into him and slid her arms around his neck.

Will you kiss me if you've forgiven me? She said into his mind.

Are you sure you've forgiven me? Because it doesn't feel like it from my end.

"What do you want me to do to prove it?" she whispered, doing nothing to hide her upset from him.

He dipped his chin in a nod. "That, that right there. I don't want you to try to hide your feelings from me, that's not how we are together, Marian. We've always been honest with each other. If you're sad, I want to know, or angry or whatever you're feeling. If you're annoyed or irritated with me, then tell me to fuck off. I'd rather that than you shutting me out." He closed his eyes briefly and drew a breath in before he met her gaze again, his pain apparent. "Because nothing hurts me more than that, you shutting me out."

With regret in her eyes, she pulled his head down to her and kissed him, relieved when he slid his arms around her and crushed her to him, kissing her back with passion and emotion. He rested his forehead against hers when their kiss ended, his eyes still sad.

"You may think you need me, Marian, but it's really the other way around. I'll wither and die without your love. No one can live without a beating heart, and that's what you are to me. Are you...falling out of love with me? If you are, I need to know."

She gave him an alarmed look and hugged him tighter. "No, of course not. My love for you is no different, I'm sorry, love. It was just a strange night, with a lot of.." She waved a hand to encompass it all. "Cellar sex, and the dinner, Carver and Cullen, and...and...blood and all that, and then my stupid jealousy and running away…." She sighed and shook her head. "Maybe we need to take a holiday together, somewhere that isn't the tainted deep roads, or...I don't know."

He brushed her hair back, hooked a lock around her ear. "You're right, I'm sorry. When I couldn't reach you, when you didn't answer me, I became frantic. All my doubts taunted me that you would never want to be with someone like me, I feared the worst."

She brushed a hand down his stubbled cheek. "Anders, there's something you need to realize about me. I thought you already knew this, but maybe you need to hear it again?" She shook her head. "I don't turn off my love...or, or get over it, like it's a head cold. When I love a person, it's permanent, it becomes a part of me, of who I am. I don't even understand what falling out of love means, but I will absolutely love you until I die." She grasped his upper arms and shook them. "Are you hearing me? Marian loves Anders forever, end of story." She tilted her head curiously when he gave her a crooked smile. "What? What does that smile mean?"

He chuckled and kissed her forehead. "It's amusing to Anders when Marian speaks in third person. Anders also loves Marian very much."

She gave him a playful shove. "You're an ass, you know that? But I love you anyway. Maker's breath." Marian rubbed her forehead wearily. "I feel emotionally drained and exhausted. I would like to shove all my emotions into a drawer for the next week and forget about them. I don't suppose you have a tonic for something like that, do you?"

"No, sweetheart, that's what sleep is for. It's still early yet, barely past dawn. Why don't we lie down again, just for a bit. Come on, healer's orders, you need a few hours of sleep before you leave this house."

"Oh, very well," she grumbled, trudging back into the dressing room and leaving everything she had on in a pile. She walked naked to the bed and pulled back the covers, sliding beneath them. Anders curled around her a moment later, after also getting undressed. Feeling drowsy but needy, she turned, sighing happily when he kissed her, their perfect harmony and unspoken communication just as deep as it had ever been. His constant awareness of her needs and eagerness to meet them bringing the same warm gratitude to her chest, as always. Rolling onto her back, she wrapped her legs around his waist when he thrust into her, opening her eyes to watch him and smiling at the sight.

I always savor watching you make love to me, Anders. You're a very beautiful man, in every way.

I'm glad you think so, sweetheart. This is going to be a quickie though, you really do need to sleep.

Her eyes closed when her peak crashed over her, fingers sliding through Anders hair while he kissed her and spilled deep inside her. His arms surrounded her after he pulled her against his chest as usual, to sleep. A satisfied smile tugged at Marian's lips and she quickly fell into the waiting dark.

~O~