DISCLAIMER: I OWN NOTHING

Note: I am sure I am really sorry guys. I know that I take forever to review and I don't try to do that. I've had a really hard time lately and I haven't been able to write or do anything and for a while I was bedridden. But I am not trying to make excuses and I do apologize. For all my readers I am so grateful to all of you.

After she had asked Fenris to help her remember, she had a sense of vulnerability that was unfamiliar and unpleasant to her, but instinctively she knew Fenris or Leto were the only two she showed that side of her. Which made her amnesia worse. She felt as if she wasn't the person she was before she lost her memory. It irritated her and confused her because she knew she had a mission she was preparing for, her family and friends needed her and she couldn't even remember being a mage!

Seeing Fenris at her door shook her from her thoughts and when she saw concern in his eyes she stood up instantly wanting to ease it. Offering her a small smile he seemed to regret the decision and looked away quickly. Recognizing it for what it was she asked softly.

"Your anger with me will never fade will it?"

He was silent for a long moment and she thought for a second he wouldn't answer her. When he finally did she respected it and understood it but it was still a knife in her heart.

"I don't know. I have every right to be angry with you. You hid my son from me for four years Marian. I've felt conflicted because of your condition, but you wouldn't want me to forgive you just for that. I wouldn't want that either."

He went silent again and when she thought he was going to leave he said very quietly.

"I am trying for him."

Marian's face fell and she attempted to pass him only to feel him take her wrist and turn her back to him.

"I am trying for you as well. It's harder with you. I didn't think you were capable of hurting someone you love so badly."

Letting out a very undignified sound and he cupped her chin forcing her to look up thinking she was laughing only to see she was crying. Removing his fingers and wiping her eyes she asked.

"Why did you come up here?"

His eyes showed confliction and she wiped her eyes again to hide her tears and lowered her eyes waiting for a response. Feeling him let go, she sighed softly wishing he hadn't and heard him answer.

"You have a guest."

Frowning she asked who it was but he didn't answer simply leading her downstairs. Seeing Leto playing with Carver she smiled until she saw a man with heavy armor and dark blonde hair with a woman who resembled Carver. Seeing them approach her she felt herself take a step back and saw the woman's face fall. Studying her face for a long moment she looked from her to Carver and back before asking.

"Are you my sister?"

Instantly her face lit up and a smile split her face. She began telling Carver that she knew that she would remember her and hating herself for having to correct her Marian explained.

"I don't. I'm sorry. I just know who you are because Carver said we have a sister and you look alot like him. Almost like a twin."

Smiling she confirmed that before reintroducing her to Knight Captain Cullen who was in shock. After regaining his senses he explained that Meredith was still recovering and had no immediate plans to attack again as she needed more Templars and Marian had almost killed her in battle. Here Marian looked guilty, but Cullen explained it was necessary and quickly let her know how bad the city was faring without her making her feel even guiltier. To ease her mind he assured her that the guard and Templars were surprisingly working together to get the city back on track. Seeing her sister watching him with gentle eyes she felt a stirring inside her and frowned as if trying to remember something. After watching them for a while longer she figured out what her instincts were trying to tell her and she grinned before leaning in and whispering in Bethany's ear.

"How long have you been in love with him?"

Blushing darkly she began stuttering which caught everyone's attention and Marian let out a small giggle which surprised the entire group as they hardly ever heard her laugh. Even Bethany looked shocked which instantly made her stop and sigh unhappily. Refusing to say what was bothering her she simply continued to talk with her sister and watched her play with her son for a time before she said that she had to leave as it was a great risk they came at all. Fenris's voice halted her before she could though.

"Do you think there's a way you can heal her mind?"

He asked not looking at Marian who was shooting daggers at him. He was sure he knew why but he'd deal with that later. Looking back at Bethany for an answer, he noticed the room was silent as well simply waiting and wishing for a positive answer. She remained silent herself thinking for a long moment before saying.

"I don't know much about brain injuries or problems with the mind. If I tried I don't know if I would hurt her or help her, but if she's willing I will try."

Marian didn't say anything for a long moment. Her eyes were on Fenris and they held hurt and a little betrayal. Her friends didn't understand it but from the look on his face he did. Varric finally broke the silence by asking.

"Well hero? What do you say?"

Sighing she nodded and made a small request that Bethany had understood at once. She had said go to the next room so they could be alone. Complying right away they went to the library and Bethany asked if she could place her hands on her head. Nodding and closing her eyes she felt Bethany's magic around her. Instead of feeling skittish like she did with Anders she felt calm and relaxed and simply waited letting her work. She felt her sister's magic probing her and finally after a long moment Bethany sighed and she felt the magic leave her.

Feeling sad that she'd let her down Marian apologized only to have Bethany wave her off.

"I told everyone I wasn't sure what to do. Maybe Anders would be better?"

Instantly Marian said.

"NO!"

Hearing a knock at the door Marian sighed in frustration at her outburst especially seeing how surprised Bethany looked at hearing her exclamation as she didn't understand. Stepping past her she opened the door to reveal Cullen who stressed again that they desperately needed to leave. Bethany agreed sadly and turned back to see Marian walking out with her. Stopping in the middle of the room she turned to the group and said.

"I wasn't able to heal her."

Seeing their disappointed expressions she said defensively.

"I said I didn't know much about this type of injury."

Pausing for a moment and turning to Marian apologetically she reiterated.

"Maybe….Anders could heal her mind."

Seeing Cullen tug her again she hugged Marian close and whispered.

"I'm here. I'll sneak away as often as I can. I swear it. I'm so sorry if I suggested anything that would hurt you."

Pulling away she quickly went through the rest of the group and hearing Leto start to cry turned for the briefest moment to promise to return before leaving the mansion. When the door shut the mansion was quiet until Sebastian asked.

"How did she know to come here?"

It was Leto that answered surprising them all.

"Father snuck out while mother was sleeping."

Every head turned to Fenris whose ears had taken a pink tinge that Marian was fascinated with. Enough so that she lost her anger for a moment and walked over to him to inspect them further. Realizing what she was doing he stopped her with a look and she held still. No one seemed to know what to say until Anders broke the silence.

"You've all said I'm the best healer in Kirkwall. I'd be willing to try if Marian wishes me too."

She didn't speak and she could see the group collectively wondering why and she knew, from what they'd told her, that she was supposed to be friends with Anders and trust him. She didn't. Especially not after what she had heard him say and the things he'd been insinuating. She didn't want him in her mind just the idea made her feel dirty and violated. Capturing her gaze Anders said quietly but clearly.

"Don't you trust me Marian?"

Knowing she couldn't alert the group because she didn't know his plans yet and needed to figure it out, she said carefully.

"Of course I trust my friends."

Smiling widely he quickly answered.

"Would you like me to try now?"

Biting the inside of her cheek she thought about how to reply. Her instincts were screaming at her not to do this. For all she knew he could ruin her mind forever, or plant false memories in her mind. Opening her mouth to give her answer she felt eyes on her and turned to Fenris. Seeing her eyes was all it took for him to say.

"No. You won't touch her at all."

She was turned away from Anders so he couldn't see her face but most of her friends did and she could tell they were confused at the huge amount of relief they saw on her face. Getting fed up Anders spoke again.

"She trusts me! I'm her friend and the reason she woke up at all! If I can heal her and give her her memories back why would you not want that? At this point she's just like you elf! Surely you don't want that for the woman you claim to love?"

Marian could see emotions warring through Fenris's eyes but before anyone else could say anything she spoke softly.

"Not today."

Hearing Anders raising his voice she interrupted and said.

"Tomorrow, you can try. I feel overwhelmed right now and it's not helping at all."

Hating herself for admitting her vulnerability she felt a sense of calm and relief when she saw her ruse worked and now she had time to think of a way to get out of this. Still she felt as if this wasn't her. Something inside her was wanting to yell and lead. There was a nagging inside her that was saying that she didn't take this kind of thing from people and she wanted desperately to remember how she was instead of guessing how she was before. She felt angry with herself and for the situation she was in and was tired of feeling like she didn't know anything.

The quiet didn't last long. Seeing as he'd gotten an effective blow to Fenris, Anders spoke again.

"Having no memories of your life must be horrible and it makes me sad that Marian has none at all. Perhaps there's memories you don't want her to remember? Something painful?"

Feeling her anger rise she saw Fenris begin to have a glow around him and his markings flared. Unable to look away she watched as Fenris slammed Anders into the wall and noticed in shock that Anders began to glow blue and began to strike back. The rest of the group did nothing so she assumed this was a common occurrence. This was confirmed when Isabela said.

"Two sovereigns on the elf."

No one took the bet agreeing that Anders had gone to far. Marian saw Leto watching his father with worried eyes and she wanted to take the fear from him. Not thinking what she was doing she saw them pull apart and step between them only for Anders to electrocute her in an attack meant for Fenris. Instantly Fenris moved over Anders with his hand directly over his heart and while Marian was sure Anders deserved whatever he was going to get she yelled out.

"FENRIS STOP!"

Instantly he pulled back with betrayal clear in his eyes while Anders was looking smug. Shaking her head at Fenris she grabbed his wrist with the red cloth and conveyed all the love she could through her eyes so he knew she didn't choose Anders. When his face softened she whispered softly.

"Not in front of Leto."

Instantly he dropped Anders who fell to the floor swearing loudly and Fenris looked over at Leto to see him watching his parents with wide eyes. The room was silent from the shock of the fight. They knew that they hated each other but they had never seen Fenris so close to killing Anders. Fenris looked from Leto to Marian and his expression was bouncing so much that Marian couldn't read him. Hearing a whine they turned together to see Leto twisting out of Carver's grip and ran into his mother's arms seeing her burns from Ander's attack he spun around fists raised ready to attack Anders but Fenris quickly grabbed him. Fussing in his arms Fenris's eyes grew sad until he realized Leto wasn't afraid of him. He wanted retribution against Anders. This was confirmed when Leto realized he wasn't getting away and noticed how close he was to his father's markings and reached out to touch one on his face before Fenris could react.

He tried catching the hand for fear that he would hurt him but his markings lay calm and nothing happened. Looking confused but pleased he kept still as Leto followed the lines on his face before smiling and asking.

"If you have markings and your my father why do I not have anything?"

Looking to Marian for help before remembering she couldn't and was waiting for that answer herself he replied slowly.

"I can answer that when your older."

Seeing him begin to protest, he silenced him by asking Sebastian loudly to tell him of the time they had battled remnants on Sundermount. Hearing Sundermount Merrill instantly began talking and Sebastian helped lead Leto away. Gamlen was shaking as well as Carver but upon seeing Marian shake her head at the group they decided to disperse as well. Hearing Anders cough as he held his stomach where Fenris had punched him he said softly.

"I would never hurt you Marian. I love you. You must know that even without your memories. I am sorry I hurt you."

She said nothing and he tried again.

"There's no other healer in the house and your hurt. May I please heal you?"

After ignoring him for a moment longer she grudgingly nodded her head and felt him begin to heal her. Locking eyes with Fenris she silently conveyed her displeasure as she really did not like his touch anymore if she ever did which she thought she didn't. Remaining still until he was finished he said he would get an elfroot potion to help with any residual pain and she felt her suspicions spike. He had just healed her and she felt fine. Telling him so he reminded her that she had only been up and walking for a few days and that she had been taking the potions to help regain her strength. Putting him off she said she would take one later after she had supper and surprisingly Anders agreed letting it go. This maid Marian's suspicions spike further and she knew she wasn't wrong. Watching the room clear out she sank down into a chair thinking.

She needed to gain Anders trust to see what his plan was and she was getting a very strong sense that Anders had less than noble intentions for either her body her mind or both. Fenris had noticed too because everytime Anders went near her Fenris made sure he was there. She was so focused on her thoughts she didn't notice Fenris kneeling down in front of her. When he leaned in and his eyes were centimeters from hers she jumped almost headbutting him and his eyes softened completely before giving her a small smile.

"Are you alright?"

She made a noise of assent and then pointed to him asking the same. He had nodded as well and it fell silent between them until Marian said.

"I need to talk to you."

Fenris waited for her to speak but she shook her head urgently.

"I need to talk to you alone where no one can hear or eavesdrop and I don't know how to get you alone."

Her statement had been made innocently but seeing Fenris's eyes darken slightly at her words she felt her cheeks flush a dark pink. Seeing his gaze drop to her lips she unconsciously leaned in wanting to know what he'd do. She could see him warring with himself and felt her heart tug. Not wanting to push him she began to lean back only to feel him tug on her arms and yank her gently into his chest. Wrapping his arms around her she hesitantly did the same and when she felt him relax she did as well. Hearing his heartbeat thrumming steadily in her ear she found herself pushing her face further into his chest and clutching him tighter. He didn't pull back or tell her to stop instead she felt his head on top of hers and his warm breath hitting her.

"Don't ever do that again."

Attempting to pull back from him to ask what he meant, she found she couldn't because he simply held her tighter forcing her head back into his chest. Staying still, she felt a peace wash over her and for the first time since she woke up she felt a sense of home. Hearing him speak again she forced herself to pay attention.

"You put yourself between us. Don't ever do that again."

Her voice was muffled against his chest but knew he could hear her.

"Leto was scared. I wanted the fear out of his eyes."

Raising her eyes to meet his she saw him look guilty. Placing her hand to his cheek she said softly.

"It's not your fault."

Seeing his eyes she repeated it and he seemed to accept it. Not willing to be pulled apart she leaned her forehead to his and heard him say.

"I'm still angry with you."

"I know and I deserve it."

Pulling back and looking into his eyes she said.

"I'll spend the rest of my life making it up to you if I can."

He made a noise in his throat and she looked at him in confusion again until she realized her mouth was getting her in trouble. Exhaling and shaking her head at herself she said quietly.

"Maybe I should stop talking."

He looked like he was going to say something but was interrupted by Aveline and Donnic. Looking sad that they had possibly ruined a moment, Aveline said.

"Leto had an idea for getting your memory back. Would you like us to talk to you about it?"

Shaking her head she immediately agreed knowing that her son would be upset if she didn't and Fenris spoke softly in her ear sending shivers throughout her body which he noticed.

"I wasn't trying to betray you by suggesting that Bethany heal you. I wanted to help. I know you're trying and that you've been struggling. I meant no harm."

Feeling his breath so close she saw Aveline's eyebrow arch and a knowing smirk overtook her face as she asked.

"Are you ready then Hawke?"

Nodding she stood up and walked into her room seeing her friends and family waiting and Leto plopped an old portrait in her hands. Studying it closely she didn't recognize the man in the portrait and she saw Carver wipe his eye when he thought she wasn't looking.

"This is grandfather."

She studied it for a moment longer and then shrugged and apologized. Undaunted, Leto took her into the room next to hers and a familiar scent hit her nose and she began walking around the room before sitting on the bed and smelling a pillow holding it to her face. She felt something tugging in her mind and she saw a flash behind her eyelids. A woman with greying hair and bright eyes was smiling at her but just as she saw it in her mind it faded and she felt a crushing disappointment so strong she couldn't breathe.

"Mother?"

Leto asked softly. She said nothing using the pillow as a shield against her face. She felt an overwhelming surge of emotion going through her. She was trying so hard to remember and couldn't. She had nothing but short flashes like a finger snapping it was there and gone. Feeling tears well up in her eyes and knowing that she didn't cry and not wanting anyone to see her like this she spoke as loudly as her shaky voice would allow.

"Please leave."

Confused Leto took his mother's hand and noticed it shaking in his. Not understanding but wanting to help he crawled in her lap stuffing his face into the pillow as well feeling it wet with her tears. Fenris immediately took action hearing her request clearing out the room including her own brother who knew better than to test him. Leaving the door slightly ajar to hear anything that might happen, he sat on Leto's other side and spoke softly to Marian trying to urge her to speak.

"I'm sorry I made you sad mother. Please don't be sad."

Shaking her head she kissed his cheek and explained that she wasn't sad, she just couldn't remember. Studying his mother in a way that was so familiar to her because it was the same way Fenris studied people he hugged her gently and said.

"It must be scary huh mother?"

Laughing in spite of herself she said.

"Frustrating."

Laughing himself he apologized again and she hugged him before saying it wasn't his fault. The room was silent with each person stuck in their own thoughts until Leto said he was going to find Orana and get her a treat to cheer her up. Not wanting to upset him she thanked him and spun him around in the way she had learned he liked before setting him down. Once he left Fenris asked.

"What happened?"

Shaking her head trying to keep it in she met his eyes and felt her mouth open against her will.

"It's so overwhelming. You all want me to remember and I'm trying as hard as I know how. Don't you think I want to remember? To know why I hurt people? To remember my son and the man I fell in love with? But I can't! It comes in flashes and then it's gone. You have no idea what it's like to have the memories come back in a rush only to lose it! I can't."

Fenris looked as if he'd been slapped and Marian felt her face forming a frown before whispering.

"Wait…."

Positive that her thinking was right she whispered.

"I've heard those words before.

"I said those words to you long ago. We had made love and I got my memories back for the briefest moment before it was gone and I left you that night."

Marian's head shot up and she said.

"You say it so simply."

He shook his head.

"Leaving you was the hardest decision I have ever made."

Feeling a smile overtake her face she stood up and after debating for a second leaned closer to his face before seeming to lose her nerve. Walking past him she turned at the doorway.

"Maybe my family can tell me stories to help my memory."

So that's all for now. I tried to make it a bit longer since you all waited so long. We got one family secret about Bethany and some drama. But next time we get a whole lot more.