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AN1-2020/12/20: Chapter now betaed by Miette and dptone12, thank you :)

Severus stood in front of the shelf containing his fifth year memories. He knew he was stalling. The year had been trying, culminating today with the end of his friendship with Lily. Despite the distance offered by Occlumency from the brunt of his feelings, he knew it was not going to be a walk in the park.
His hand lightly touched a vial, letting Mother's face appear through the glass. She looked so frail. So different from his first years memories.

Steeling himself, he let the memories wash over him.

Severus was shocked when he arrived home this year. Mother had always been thin but now she looked like she could be blown away by a gust of wind. Her hair was unkempt and grey, her dress threadbare and full of holes. She had always been prideful about her appearance but now she looked like a vagabond.
How she even managed to buy her food in this state, he could only guess it was because people already knew her and pitied her enough to grant her access despite her looks – and because she did pay for it.
His father was home, already quite drunk and looking angrier than ever. He snarled at his son before stomping outside. Severus did not dare ask Mother what was going on, especially when she stared at him with unseeing blank eyes before retreating to her kitchen.

Instead, Severus threw himself into brewing as much as he could. He ate whatever Mother brought him in the laboratory, thus avoiding his father, and only went to bed when he feared making a fatal mistake because of exhaustion. Sometimes, he was unsure if he was brewing or only dreaming he was.

His greatest improvement this year was that he now managed to brew potions of mastery grade III level. Severus sold those easily despite not having his official mastery because there were always those who could not afford the price of the licensed potions. The license was a guarantee of the potions efficiency and more importantly of its safety. If a licensed potion did not do what it was supposed to or worse harmed you in any way, the healing care was paid by the potion master. It meant Potions Masters were heavily insured and paid a stiff sum for their insurance but Severus figured it was worth it. As he was unlicensed, Severus sold the potions for a cheaper price but the income was still far more than what he usually earned with simpler potions.

Severus noticed that most customers who ordered his potions level III were regulars. He supposed they had had enough experience with their potions to trust them with more complicated ones.

After only two weeks, Severus had earned more than he had before in a full summer of brewing. It became clear to him that a potion mastery, even at level III, allowed one to live comfortably. Of course, he would never be able to afford a grand life like most of the Purebloods. But if he was careful with his expenses, he would live a lot better than his parents ever had. If he attained Potions Mastery grade I…

Severus could not help but resent Mother for not trying to reach potion mastery level III. He knew that with some hard work and practice, she could have managed.

Severus smiled bitterly to himself. It had just been this past summer but it seemed like it had happened a lifetime ago. Only a few months ago, he had still been blind, thinking that Mother was too afraid of his father to realise that she had the means to escape him. Sadly, he knew better today.

Days passed in the Snape's household, quiet but filled with tension. Severus felt as if time was suspended.
He spent his time in the lab, Mother lived in her kitchen and his father was always drinking, outside with friends or in the house on the sofa completely ignoring his wife and son. He had not raised a hand to either of them since Severus' return. Severus could not help but wonder if it was because he now feared his son or maybe he just no longer cared enough to even go to the trouble of hurting his family.

Severus worried the hitting had stopped because Mother was broken. Even though she had lost most of her fighting spirit in the last few years, Mother had still had some spark in her eyes, a remnant of her pride and stubbornness. Now, she wandered eerily in her kitchen, almost like a zombie. He felt on edge, as if something was bound to happen, to shatter the fragile balance the family had found.

One evening, as Severus was giving one last stir to his anti-vermin potion before setting his timer to wake him up eight hours later for the next step, he heard a great bang then silence. Severus held his breath. Quietly, he set the timer then silently opened the potion lab door. He closed it behind him as silently as before then soundlessly walked to the edge of the stairs leading down to the kitchen.

His father was shouting.

"You useless witch, why can't you even serve me correctly without breaking anything!"

From his place, Severus could only see Mother cowering, glass fragments around her and red stain on her dress. Severus felt a second of panic before realizing it was the wine from the broken bottle.

"Where is your damned Prince's pride now? Tell me! What good is your manners and your fucking magic if you can't be a proper wife and give good healthy sons to your husband!"

Severus saw his father approach Mother, red in the face, swaying slightly on his feet. For once, he looked focused. Focused on Mother. Severus swallowed, his throat dry.

His father was on a rant.

"Look at you! Who could even want you when you look like that? I don't even know why I'm still here with you, witch! I should leave right now, go far away from you and your abnormal son!"

Severus winced. The feeling was not new but it still hurt to hear his father talking about him so harshly. Mother was crying softly. She whispered something to her husband, looking at him pleadingly. It only made him angrier.

"You useless bitch! Don't you dare tell me what I should or should not do! I should kill you! I could snap your ugly neck like I did your wand! Do you remember your wand?"

Severus stood frozen. His father had never threatened to kill Mother before. He had said that he should have drowned Severus or abandoned him on the street when he was still young. But never Mother.

His father took another step, standing just above her. His face was an angry red. The vessels popped from his eyes, sure sign he was drunk.

Mother raised her hand in front of her face, as if to protect herself. She muttered something Severus once again did not hear. Whatever she said only enraged his father further. With a shout of rage, he took his wife's neck in his hands and began strangling her.

Severus did not hesitate. He hurriedly made his way down the stairs and sprang towards his parents. Thanks to another yearly growth spurt, he now was as tall as his father. However, he was still very thin. On the contrary, despite all his drinking and not being in his prime anymore, his father was still in decent shape with lots of muscles on him. Severus knew he was physically no match for his father. He only managed to raise one fist before his father pushed him, making him fall on the floor.

"Stay out of it, freak! This is between your mother and me."

Severus felt blood in his mouth. His father was a Muggle but he was still more frightening than Dumbledore. Severus never wore his wand on him when he was home, too afraid of his father getting his hands on it when his son was forbidden from using it to defend himself. Instead, he had found place to make a cache in his room. Memories of his talk with Lord Voldemort flew through his mind. Of course, he was able to protect children from mere Muggles. And Mother deserved protection as much as the muggleborn children. So, he would use magic to help her and he knew Lord Malfoy and Lord Voldemort would help him if the Ministry bothered him for underage magic.

Silently, he accioed his wand which flew right to his hand.

His father had let Mother go when he had pushed Severus. She had slid on the floor where she remained motionless except for some coughing fits.

Her husband was approaching her again when Severus got back to his feet, wand raised toward his father.

In his coldest voice, he said:

"Leave her alone or I will hurt you."

His father laughed.

"I know you don't have the right to use magic on me. Your mother tried to reassure me by telling me all about the safety measures taken to protect normal people like me from freaks like you. You will go to the bad wizards' prison if you hurt me with magic.".

He sneered.

"Even if you could, you don't have what it takes. You're a weakling, like your mother, all almighty Prince that she claims to be."

Severus focused on his mental potions lab, his safe space, letting his fear be absorbed by the cauldrons fumes. His wand did not shake.

"Things change. Some people are taking steps to protect children like me from their family. They are aware magic sometimes is the only way to defend ourselves. I belong to their group. They have planned ways for me to get away with using magic on you. I only need to lift my finger and one of them will come to take care of you."

Severus' voice had sounded "dead serious" as he looked at his father straight in the eyes, willing him to believe his son and leave.

Abruptly, his father took a step back then another. Running, he left the house.

Severus' mind was blank. He did not think it was a good sign but he could hardly bring himself to care. Mother had managed to stand. She was still coughing. More importantly, she was looking at him as if she had never seen him before. She inclined her head once then slowly and silently went upstairs to his parents' room.

To this day, he did not know if she had been grateful or afraid of him. Or, if somehow he had broken the rules by winning against his father.

Severus shook his head to himself. Who was he kidding? She had been afraid that he had driven her husband away.

Pensively, Severus replayed the last scene of his memory, freezing it on his father's flight. Had he truly managed to scare the man? Or had he unconsciously used a form of mind control to make his father obey Severus' demand?

He supposed he would never know. He had no intention of ever seeing the man again.

Severus did not know how long he remained standing and staring at nothing, wand in hand, but one moment his body finally had enough and got him up the stairs, to his room and on his bed without him realizing it.

Idly, it reminded Severus of something he had read in one of his Occlumency books. Occlumens, especially naturals, sometimes locked a powerful feeling in a corner of their mind because they were not able to process it at the moment. It was very important that the Occlumens, once the crisis was over, took the time to process this feeling as soon as possible. If he did not, his magic and his mind would slowly alter until he became imbalanced, ultimately losing the control of his magic.

The thought managed to alarm him enough that he retreated into his safe place in search of a locked feeling, whatever it may look like. After looking through his laboratory thoroughly twice, Severus realized he had studiously avoided one little trapdoor in a dark corner. Steeling himself, he decisively walked to it, opened the trapdoor and reached for the lone little box that was in it.

Severus hesitated before slowly sitting on the floor. He put the box in his lap then gently opened it.

All at once, he was hit by a torrent of emotions that pressed him to the ground, writhing in pain. Anger at his father, fear of him, resentment, abandonment, fear for Mother, disgust for his genitor. Severus suddenly found himself surrounded by pulsing feelings that threatened to overwhelm him.

Instinctively, he reached for the comforting feelings his potions lab always gave him and quickly formed a wall of positive feelings to protect himself. It worked well enough he managed to breathe normally again.

Sighing against the huge task at hand, Severus focused on his anger at his father.

He acknowledged his father would only ever be his genitor, that he would never see past his son's powers. Severus admitted to himself he was not that surprised that his father had tried to kill Mother, only that she had done nothing to protect herself. Severus vowed to make her happy now that he was gone.

For every feeling he faced, Severus felt the tempest abate a bit more. One by one, his feelings dissipated in his potions fumes and he knew they were under control for now.

Exhausted, he fell asleep until the next morning.

End of 5th year Severus groaned. Once he finished his trip down memory lane, he would need to check his trapdoor. He had relied heavily on Occlumency this year, without thinking of dispatching his locked down feelings. Had it played a role in this all mess? He did not think so, not as much as… everything else.

From then on, it was only Mother and Severus. The first few days, Severus lived in anticipation and fear of his father's return. Mother did not help. She went from moody to ecstatic in a couple of minutes, reproaching her son for his father's departure then praising him for defending her.

However, it soon became clear he would not be back anytime soon, after Mother received a letter from his father saying he was ashamed of himself and needed some time away to reflect on his past actions.

Severus saw Mother keep the letter, treating it with tender loving care, probably hoping this period of reflection would bring her back the man she had married a long time ago. Severus had no such illusion and was only relieved not to have to watch out for his father's fists this summer. Still, the letter calmed Mother. She seemed content and even hummed sometimes.

Severus was barely relaxing when one morning; he was woken up by a loud bang. His heart racing, his first thought was that his father was back and angry at being locked outside. Severus checked the time – already nine, he never slept that late. He frowned. Listening to the house noise confirmed that Mother was already up. She would not deny her husband entry.

Another bang made him jump from his bed. It was coming from his window.

Severus cautiously approached said window to see the most surprising sight. Lily was here, throwing pebbles to catch his attention just as she had done when they were younger.

She looked focused, angry, unsure and... scared?

Severus threw on a t-shirt and jeans and quickly descended the stairs. He kissed Mother good morning then went outside. There he found Lily muttering to herself, probably debating whether or not to throw another pebble or to try a bigger stone.

"Hello Lily," said Severus quietly.

Startled, she dropped her handful of stones.

"Hmm, hi Sev," she answered, almost sheepish. "So, I got your attention?"

Severus raised an eyebrow.

"With the noise you made, it's a wonder the entire town is not here wondering what's happening."

There. His answer was cool. She could not guess how hard his heart was beating from seeing her, how it had fluttered just hearing her say his nickname.

She blushed but held her head high, challenging.

"We need to talk."

She first needed to apologize, but he doubted she was here to do her "mea culpa" for their fight over Lupin.

"We do?" Severus asked, conveying as much disbelief as he could in his tone.

"Let's go to the park".

She took his hand without waiting for his answer and he let himself be led, enjoying her hand in his.

They settled into their usual corner, Severus painfully squeezing his legs to fit into the narrow crook of their tree roots. It used to be big enough for them to have all sorts of adventures. Severus sighed, thinking about simpler times.

"What do you have to say in defence of the murder of the Muggle committed by your friends?"

"What?!"

Severus stared at her, his mind reeling. He had not known what to expect but this…

"Good, you were not in on the plans. I didn't think so but these days... Now you see how bad they are, you will agree to stop seeing them, right?"

"Wait Lily, I have no idea what you're talking about. Just... give me the story, facts, you know..."

Yes, facts were good. He needed facts. And some time to get his mind back from the shock of her accusation and her admission she believed him capable of killing. He had not been able to end his father despite all the hurt and pain he had caused him, why would he be able to do so with a stranger?

"You did not read the paper?"

Lily was looking at him expectantly.

"No, Jonathan or Evan sends me the interesting news from time to time."

"Interesting how they did not deem a murder important."

Severus felt his head flush. How dared she? But now a niggling doubt was making his way into his mind, twisting his stomach. What if…?

"Here."

She handed him the newspaper from two days ago. Severus sighed in relief internally. His friends just had not had the time to write about it yet, nothing to worry about. He felt ashamed of how her implication they were not trustworthy had made him question them immediately.

Severus read the news avidly:

Escalation in the aggression of Muggles, one Muggle murdered with magic!

For the third time since the beginning of July, a Muggle was attacked with magic. While the other two incidents of aggression ended with bruises and a few broken bones, this time, the Muggle died. According to our sources, the spell used was Expulso. It projected the Muggle into a wall, the impact causing immediate death. It is unknown at the moment if the murder was intentional or self-defence. There either was no witness to the incident or they were all skilfully obliviated.

The common point among these three incidents is the rumours about the victims abusing a muggleborn wizard child. Considering this, we are hard pressed to know if we should condemn or applaud this vigilante.

Anyway, it seems someone took Lord Voldemort seriously when he said the protection of muggleborn children was a high priority.

When contacted, the Lord neither admitted nor denied being the instigator of these attacks. However, he said "I will not shed a tear over abusers of wizarding children. These attacks should not have happened because the Ministry should have protected the children much sooner, thus preventing the need for a violent intervention. I strongly encourage Minister Birkins to take active steps to protect every wizard child."

Surprisingly, Minister Birkins did not wish to make any comment.

Now we are asking you, dear reader: do you regret Lord Voldemort not being the Minister of Magic?

Alright, thought Severus. It sounded a lot like Lord Voldemort's project. Especially if the rumours about the victims were true. The article did not mention the name of the victims of the abuse so he did not know if they were indeed Slytherins. But the Lord had not wanted to stop his protection at Slytherins so it might not matter. He needed to write to Evan as soon as possible... but he still owned no owl. As for the murder accusation...

Turning to Lily, Severus let some anger show in his eyes and spoke in a cold voice:

"Where have you seen that Lord Voldemort and his supporters murdered a Muggle? Even if they are the ones that killed this Muggle, according to the article, it was not intentional and most certainly could have have been in self-defence from a child abuser!"

He ended up almost shouting. Why was she so bent on seeing the worst in his friends?

Lily stared at him, looking so surprised it hurt. She had really thought this article was the proof she needed to... save him... from his friends? What world was she living in?

"Sev... They killed a Man. With magic. He could not even defend himself against it."

"He was hurting a wizard kid who could not defend himself either!"

"The kid should have told someone!"

"Maybe he finally did!"

They had both stood during this shouting match. Lily was red on the face, her eyes blazing. Severus was white in contrast, his fists clenched tightly.

"It's still no excuse to kill a man."

"What if it was the only way he would not do it again?"

The question hung in the air between them. Lily ran her hands through her hair, frustrated. Of course, thought Severus, how could she understand when she lived in a nice neighbourhood with a family that loved her, even if Petunia had a nasty tongue and a strong jealous streak?

"You cannot kill all of them."

"I know."

"You could call the police."

"For a Wizard?"

"Muggles are not idiots. It could end up in a witch hunt."

Severus sighed.

"If Lord Voldemort was Minister..."

Lily looked away.

"Why are you so sure it's them?"

"Remus told me. I received his letter this morning."

Great, her new best friend had told her, no doubt implying derogatory things on Severus in the meantime. And if it was a letter, no doubt Potter and Black had had a hand in it too.

"Sirius overheard his parents. In truth, they were gloating and said next time, the Muggles deaths would be more painful."

Severus frowned.

"The Blacks are not with us."

"They are with Lord Voldemort."

"I've never seen them or heard of them doing anything for the cause."

"I told you this Lord was not clean. Anyone working with the Blacks on a muggleborn project is evil..."

Severus was not fond of any Black, except maybe Regulus who seemed a nice boy from the few interactions Severus had had with him.

He had to admit he was shaken. But he reminded himself how quickly he had doubted his friends when Lily accused them of murder and there had been a perfectly good explanation. The Blacks' link to Lord Voldemort was only hearsay for now so he would reserve judgment but keep his eyes and ears open. The Lord might also want to keep an eye on the Blacks so they did not put his project in peril with their craziness and unpredictability, just because they felt the powerful house of Black should not be left out of the fun when there was a chance to hurt someone…

"Lily. You have no proof of anything, as you had no proof for the Muggle death. You cannot keep on accusing my friends of the worst things without evidence."

Lily huffed.

Sensing a tirade, Severus went for the kill.

"It's not like you did anything except ignore me when I told you Lupin is a Werewolf."

That stopped her cold. Lily had always prided herself for her sense of justice, of right and wrong. She could not object to him not acting on her words when she had not done anything in the same situation.

She sighed.

"Fine. But the day I find a damning proof... And it's still not right to kill a man."

Severus privately thought it was best to be able to if needed. He did not think one should go on a killing spree for fun but at times, being able to kill could save you a lot of heartache. Sadly, Severus was not sure he had the stomach for it. Even if he had thought about it, he had not been able to kill his father to protect Mother and himself. He had been able to plan it, knowing exactly how to do it so he would not get caught, but Severus had not been able to do it. He was scared he was too weak to take a life, even to save his own.

Maybe... maybe he was thinking about this wrong. If he established guidelines for when it was acceptable to take a life… Guidelines whose conséquences on himself he would have examined in depth, from his peace of mind to the possible legal outcome… Yes, if he took the time to prepare and train himself, as he did in any other field… he'd be able to kill if necessary.

This was the real disagreement between Lily and him, thought Severus as he contemplated the scene. She did not understand that sometimes, you needed to be ruthless to earn peace. She still thought the world was fair. If the ministry's laws had been just and perfect for all, there would have been no need for this Muggle's death. The child would have been taken away by the Aurors, and the man punished and obliviated. But it was not the case, and until then, you needed people like those vigilantes to act, even unlawfully.

After the drama, the end of summer went quietly, Mother and Severus often brewing together. They also began harvesting what potions ingredients they could in their little garden, be it magical or muggle. They had never dared do so before, for fear of Severus' father's wrath.

Severus excused himself to his Mentor, writing that Mother was sickly and needed him to take care of her and of the house. Lord Malfoy offered to house them both in his home where Mother would be followed by the Malfoy's family healer. Severus entertained the idea for two seconds before seeing Mother's horrified look and declined as gracefully as he could the thoughtful gesture.

His Mentor did not insist but told him again that Severus could contact him whenever needed. It cheered Severus immensely.

Severus was content. His friends and his Mentor wrote to him, keeping him apprised of the wizarding world's important news. Lucius also wrote a few times, which pleased Severus immensely but he could have done without the letters' contents. Most were descriptions of how beautiful Narcissa Black was, how clever and perfect she was, how she had stolen his heart… Severus only remembered her vaguely. He had been careful not to be in her vicinity when he learned she was part of Blacks' family. He wondered how Lucius could be in love with someone from this line.

Thanks to the potions level III sales, Severus did not need to spend all his days brewing. He was ecstatic when Mother allowed him to practice spells as long as he did so in the basement. He was grateful because his lack of power still worried him and he needed all the advantages he could get to compensate for this weakness.

Moreover, thanks to his father's departure, Severus had eaten enough this summer not to look emaciated but he was hit by yet another growth spurt that left his body sometimes lacking coordination. Severus had to minimize movements during his brewing to the maximum of his abilities. It also made him practice casting with the minimum of wand movements. He could not lose to the Marauders because his body would not obey his mind.

By the end of summer, he felt like he had mastered his body and non-verbal casting. Severus was already able to cast several spells non-verbally before, but now, every spell he knew verbally worked non-verbally and there was no difference in power between his verbal and non-verbal spells, charms and curses – power that he knew to be definitely below most of his classmates'. He planned to try wandless casting during the school year, but he feared he would not be powerful enough to manage.

Severus caught a few afternoons with Lily without her ranting on Lord Voldemort. Severus always found it easier to talk with Lily when they were home, far away from Hogwarts. They seemed to understand each other better simply by being here. He was more patient and she was more comprehensive. He knew they could never have had their talk about the murder at Hogwarts without one of them leaving in anger. While Severus was still walking on eggshells around her, their friendship felt better than he could have hoped after their fourth year.

The only bleak point for Severus was that sometimes, his father appeared in the corner of his mind potions laboratory, brandishing his fists but never approaching his son's cauldrons. The image as well as the feelings coming with it sometimes woke him in a cold sweet. Just after the incident, he would also freeze for no distinct reason after a sound had reminded him of his father. However, with each day passing, Severus' father disappeared a little more into the lab wall until one day; there were no traces of him anymore.

Once again, as Severus left for Hogwarts, he left all the remaining money from their brewing to Mother. If he still saved up by taking her old books and only purchasing those for his chosen options, he let himself be tempted into renewing his entire wardrobe. To be honest, after his latest growth spurt, his clothes were far too short. Most of them were already threadbare and one of his pants ripped off when he tried to magically lengthen it. Necessity made him buy two entire new sets of school clothes as well as one pair of jeans and one casual pant. He added three t-shirts, one shirt and underclothes to his purchases and also bought some dresses for Mother, unwilling to buy himself new clothes while she remained in rags. Of course, buying so much meant it was second hand but he took great pains to select clothes where that was not apparent.

In the train to King's cross station, Severus marvelled at how better he felt about the upcoming school year simply by not looking like a pauper.

It showed he still had had a lot to learn, thought Severus bitterly. How could he have still been so naive?