"It sliced into my shoulder first. The blade was so sharp, I couldn't really feel it. Not until It…" he tapered off.

Gray, eyes firmly shut, sat in the armchair in the living room, facing Lyon, who sat on the ottoman before him, holding out his com lacrima, which was set on speaker. Loren Bradley, Gray's O and M instructor and therapist, listened patiently to this early morning call. Joy laid dozing on Gray's lap, unsure why her daddy seemed distressed, but wanting to be there for him, purring as he softly combed his fingers through her fur. Those fingers were all Lyon could see of his hands, Gray having donned a pair of writing gloves Lucy had stashed in the desk a while back. Gray had snickered at the time that such silly things existed, but he seemed to appreciate them now. Lyon had the feeling he'd have to purchase more of those before the week was out.

"… I... I could..."

"... You could smell the salt," Lyon said delicately, urging him to continue.

He remembered this part of Gray's retelling, when he'd found the courage to open up about his experiences in the chamber. Loren had been very pleased and relieved when Lyon had informed him about that breakthrough a month ago, and had encouraged everyone to be willing to listen whenever Gray was able to talk about those times again, along with any other trauma he'd experienced before or since. Any chance he got to put his memories into words was a chance to process them in a way he hadn't been able to before.

After the incident last night, Lyon had insisted he needed to talk about it, receiving his agreement with surprisingly little reluctance. This was the first in depth conversation Loren has had with Gray in the last two weeks. Lyon had at least kept him apprised of the recent events regarding the seals.

Though Loren had expressed reservations when he'd first heard of their plans—cauterization?! Really?— the procedure had already been done by that time, and it had always been Gray's choice to do it in the end. He wished he'd had the chance to talk to them about the possible repercussions of restoring Gray's sight, though. Few ever considered the negative implications of such a life changing event.

"*Ahem* It... it grew worse as it went on... For hours... Or days. I don't know. I kept passing out... There was never a pattern. Sometimes it was one cut after another, for however long until it got bored. But often, it waited a while before it struck again. Porlyusica was right. It's worse when there's a delay. If they came quickly, without pause, I almost grew numb to them. But when It waited...

"It didn't matter. They all hurt eventually. Every wound was doused in salt... Every. Single. One. Them, and the burns. The salt kept me from bleeding out too fast, but I was never under any illusion that it was trying to keep me alive. At least, not for the sake of my survival. It was all about increasing and prolonging my suffering... I don't know how long it took, but the blade grew dull, and the intensity of the pain grew; but by then, it was everywhere, and I couldn't... I couldn't tell one from the other... "

Loren understood they were getting somewhere, and he had an idea of what had actually caused his reaction, but he needed Gray to acknowledge it as well.

"Gray, what do you think happened last night?"

"…"

"I understand if you're feeling shame or doubt, but I can assure you, both of you, that there's no one to blame here. Don't consider this incident a setback. This isn't a failure on your part. In fact, you'd already anticipated such a reaction, hadn't you? That's why you wanted to wait until that wound on your chest was healed, correct?

"I believe that, had you been able to get your sight back earlier, you still would have waited, months if needed, until the grafts had healed, before you'd allow yourself to see again. That tells me you'd always known something like this could happen. This isn't a new development. It's always been there. You've simply revealed it, and you've handled it better than you'd been able to in the past. I promise, nothing's gone wrong in your recovery. You're not having a relapse. Do you understand?"

Loren and Lyon waited patiently as Gray digested those words. Several silent moments later, he took a deep breath, as Lyon released the one he held, and answered Loren's previous question the best he could.

"I stopped feeling them months ago. Or I should say, I stopped noticing them. It's not that I couldn't tell they were there. A lot of them ruptured when I used my curse powers, so the scars go pretty deep. They've mostly smoothed out at the surface, but deep down, if I move in certain ways, I can feel them. But with so many, clustered together the way they are, I've grown used to them, as if that's just the way my skin's supposed to feel. It's like... like how we get used to a bad smell, like it's not even there anymore. I never forgot they were there... but I…

…

"... Seeing them was more than I was ready for, I guess. I couldn't pull my eyes away. I knew. I should have been prepared. I knew they were there! They've... they'll always be there. I thought... I... I always thought... I never cared where I got hurt, so long as those injuries were visible. But these... they were always invisible to me. All I had were the pain they caused, and the memories they left behind.

"Now that I can see them? I don't know. I just reacted. I don't remember how I felt. I can't even tell you what I feel right now. All I know is, I looked into that mirror, and I didn't see me. These eyes… make me feel unsettled. I don't blame you guys for being unable to look me in the eye for long."

Lyon wanted to cut in, to say that wasn't the case, but he wouldn't risk interrupting him. He couldn't really say he was wrong, either. He'd seen the others do just that for months, and had noticed that many of them seemed eager to avert their gazes even more now.

"Then I saw everything else, and… this overwhelming fear took hold. I couldn't breathe, and… and it was suddenly too cold and damp. I could swear I smelled decay, and then, out of nowhere, I felt a hand brush against the tally marks, but nothing was there! The next thing I knew, I heard water flowing, and I was on the floor. Lyon was grabbing my hands and saying something, and I was so relieved…

…

"I thought… that I was over such scary attacks. I was getting better. I can manage my anxieties more, and the girls don't make me panic like they used to. I… I got my powers back! I've been training to defend myself without sight, and now that I can see again, I can train my Ice Make once more. I'm not helpless anymore.

"But last night proved to me that… that I'm never far from that loss of control. And that terrifies me. Something happens, and my mind just shuts down. I can't reason, or think my way out of it. I just react, and feel all these terrible things, and hate that I can't just will myself to man up and stop cowering in fear. I'm constantly afraid of the 'what if', and of suffering future episodes. Now it turns out that I was better off the way I was. But everyone's worked so hard, and all I could think about was how much more dependable I could be, if only I got my powers back. I thought regaining my powers, and my sight, would open up new opportunities for me.

"Instead, I need every bit of magic I can absorb just to get these damn things to work. I don't even know if that leaves me with anything to power a spell. Meanwhile, my brain can't process everything I'm trying to see fast enough, or I get fixated on the most inane things, or I completely shut down when I look into a freakin mirror! Just the thought of looking at my own body makes me shudder."

"It's reasonable for you to feel disappointed and discouraged. Do you also regret having your sight returned?" Loren wondered.

"I need to see so I can cast my magic. My friends were so eager for me to see again, too. I can't let their efforts go to waste."

"That wasn't my question. Putting your friends' feelings aside, and disregarding all considerations about your powers; do you, Gray, regret getting your sight back?"

In the still silence that followed, there was no movement, no sound made between them. Not even Joy stirred from her perch on Gray's lap. The soft ringing from the mantle clock went unnoticed as it sounded six chimes. It wasn't even dawn yet. Lyon wondered if Gray kept his eyes closed because he was tired, as was his habit, or because he knew one of the lamps was on.

Lyon could recall how, when he'd first moved in, he'd wandered around the still-unfamiliar house at night, meaning to get water or some other trivial thing; and once or twice had bumped into Gray, who'd been pacing around in the dark. He'd made a habit of leaving a small light on at all hours ever since. Until today, Gray had never had reason to be bothered by that light.

Finally, Gray answered.

"Yes."

Lyon closed his eyes and lowered his head at that confession, feeling partially at fault for whatever role he'd played in pressuring Gray into his recent decisions.

"I've always admired your ability to be honest with yourself," Loren began, "It sounds to me like you've got a good understanding of the difficulties you're facing. I want to reiterate to you that everything you're feeling now is normal and to be expected. Your decision to go without sight since then is a very reasonable response. Don't see it as a retreat. It was good that you allowed yourself to see those frightening images, and it's also good that you've held yourself back, and haven't forced yourself to try again. You've already taken steps to control the situation. It's your choice on how to proceed."

Lyon knew exactly what Loren was doing, and he was very grateful for his insight. He wanted Gray to know without a doubt that he was in charge. Because that's what this whole incident boiled down too: His loss of control. From the very beginning, Gray had dealt with the fear, indignity, and hopelessness of having lost so much control over his life. From being forced to use his powers against his will, and then losing them completely; being restrained in that uncomfortable position for days; the helplessness of being unable to fight back when he was tortured so relentlessly; having his independence taken away, forced to rely on his friends to do everything for him; and having his very sanity compromised, and forced to deal with those disturbing episodes, losing complete control of his actions when the attacks get too severe.

Loren wanted Gray to know how far he'd come in regaining that control, and that it was within his power to decide what to do with it.

Considering how less tense Gray seemed now, he was coming to acknowledge that as well. Taking a deep breath as he nodded to himself, he raised his head and said, "Thank you. I didn't know how much I really needed to hear that... I'm sorry for calling you so early."

"Hmph. If I allowed myself to be bothered by every late night or early morning call I've ever received, I should say I'd chosen the wrong vocation."

Loren could hear the grin in his voice as he replied, "I never felt like you were just doing your job. I really appreciate all you've done for me. I consider you one of my closest friends."

"Well, I think it quite an honor to be numbered among such an interesting cadre of friends," he smiled back, "I know we haven't had to see each other face to face in a while, but if you're willing, I'd like to come visit you very soon, and introduce a new type of therapy that hadn't been available to us until now. Before you ask, the reason we couldn't do it before was because you were unable to see. This therapy entails the use of visual stimuli. I've used this method with other clients with very good results. Will you be available later this week?"

"I'd make time, regardless. Besides, it'd be nice to have a face to go with your voice."

"Indeed. I look forward to properly introducing myself, then. I'll check my schedule and call later today to arrange a time… If I'm remembering correctly, your town is celebrating some sort of festival today, isn't it?"

"The Hanami Festival, yes," answered Lyon, "We've made plans to celebrate it with the guild. I'm looking forward to experiencing it this year. We don't have rainbow sakura in Margaret Town, so I invited friends from there to experience the color change with us. This will be my first time seeing it in person."

"And… Do you still plan to attend, Gray?"

Lyon hoped the events of last night hadn't changed his mind. They'd been planning to spend the day with their friends for weeks; and concern over his physical capabilities aside, the excitement had only grown since it became possible for Gray to actually see this evening's grand finale.

He hadn't expected him to smile. It was small and brief, but he'd seen it, and was relieved.

"I've been looking forward to it long before I got my sight back. I wouldn't miss it for anything. I'm not going to let all this crap stop me from living my life to the fullest."

Both Lyon and Loren were very pleased indeed.

ooooo

-Later that morning-

Wendy had come by nearly an hour later. The first thing she noticed was Gray's state of dress. Obviously he'd choose to wear long sleeves in public, but the gloves were unexpected for today's forecasted sunny weather. They were of a very thin, stretchy material, as well, so maybe not for warmth? He powers were slowly returning, so maybe it was an ice mage thing.

Just as predicted, the rate in which ethernano would flow into Gray's origins was very low, such that the previous eight to nine hours of enforced darkness had yielded barely enough to fill a fraction of a percentage of his stores. Wendy estimated he'd have a maximum of four hours per day in which to see, unless he went days without using any magic at all. He took the news in stride, neither surprised nor displeased.

"How did your evening go last night? Did your sight return as expected?" she asked.

"It did. I found the albums. They were a thoughtful surprise. I look forward to going though more of them later… There was an incident though, when I was trying to get ready for bed."

Lyon was somewhat surprised, as he hadn't expected him to bring up what happened with anyone else. But it made sense he'd at least let Wendy know, she being his healer and all. It was heartening that he was able to be so open about these things now.

Wendy listened to Gray's retelling, and though concerned, she could see how at ease he seemed now, and knew simply talking about it was a big help to him. That also explained his desire to keep his hands out of sight. She knew it was more to do with his own comfort than for others', since pretty much everyone's seen his hands by now. She tried not to get too distracted by how he held her in such high regard. He so easily confided in her with his more vulnerable moments. She felt a sense of pride that he didn't see her as just a kid, but as the accomplished healer she'd worked so hard to become. He trusted her so much, she felt like she should be the one showing gratitude. It was almost humbling.

"I'm sorry you went through that. Loren-san was right, though. There's nothing to be ashamed of. You already know my thoughts about the scars. I'm glad you told me. If something like that happens again, you can call me right away, day or night, and we can talk about it, or anything else you need to, to take your mind off of it. Okay? I mean, that is if you want to. You can call anyone you want, or just talk to Lyon-san. I'm not trying say you have to talk to me. If you prefer one of the guys, that's fine—"

She cut herself off, face turning red at the humorous smiles both men were giving her. Right before their eyes, the proud, mature confidant had reverted back to the shy young girl who had to stop from second guessing herself at times. It felt weird how, at one time, she had sat under both of them as mentors and big brother figures. She still did, actually. But now they came to her for advice or other needs. It was nice to see that child-like innocence hadn't left her yet. They hoped it never would, no matter how skilled and confident she'd become.

"I hope that invitation extends to me calling just to say hi," said Gray.

She relaxed, and returned a grin and a shrug.

"I guess I'd get upset if every call I got was for an emergency. I might start dreading my com lacrima if that were the case. Just remember, I'm always happy to listen. So is there anything else you're concerned about?"

"I'm wondering about the festival," said Lyon, "After what happened at the school yesterday, won't there be an issue with the viewing tonight? You said to avoid bright lights and colors."

"We were caught by surprise then. I think now we'll be better prepared to deal with anything that may happen, and I certainly don't want you to miss out if you really want to see the show. I want you to be seated beforehand, though, in case you get dizzy again, and to use a great deal of caution and discretion when the colors change tonight. I brought you a new pair of sunglasses. They have wrap-around lenses, which will block out light from the sides too. Keep them on, and close your eyes if you feel overwhelmed again."

Gray accepted the proffered sunglasses, studying them critically. They were pretty stylish, though he preferred a blue tint over such a dark shade. The fact that they actually covered a great deal more of the scarring around his eyes was a major selling point. Putting them on, he looked around, finding the view to be not as dark as he'd expected. He could deal with this. Just to experiment, he stepped towards the bay windows, basking in the morning sun, and closed his eyes. Almost instantly, he could feel the flow of ethernano cut off. Opening his eyes again, he noted that brief instance of darkness before his eyes reactivated.

"So far, so good," he answered Wendy's silent inquiry.

With a soft grin, she continued, "I consulted with Porlyusica last night, and she concurred that your brain is still readjusting to receiving visual signals. It's not unlike muscle atrophy. You should try to use your eyes as often as possible, but in brief instances, instead of nonstop until your powers drain. That means if you really want to see the sakura blossoms change tonight, you'll have to use your sight sparingly throughout the day."

"Don't spend it all in one place. Got it. Can we head out now?" said Gray.

"One more thing before we go. We need to check your temperature," said Lyon.

Wendy should have thought of that! With the return of Gray's magic, his body was starting to adapt to the cold once more. If his core body temperature was on the cooler side, then today's warm weather would be stifling for him. Hearing the annoying alarm which indicated a dangerously low reading, Wendy made a note to recalibrate the infrared thermometer later on for ice mages, and declared, "Congratulations. You're well beyond hypothermic now. How do you feel?"

"Not too warm yet, but that will change as the day grows hotter."

"Let me take care of that. Save your magic for when it counts," Lyon replied as he expertly channeled his cooling magic throughout Gray's clothes, providing an insulating layer which kept the day's heat at bay.

"That's pretty handy. Do you do that all the time?" Wendy wondered.

"It's how we always stay cool in warmer weather. It's more efficient to wear a layer of icy clothes than to constantly change the temperature of the air around us. Why do you think we wear long coats all the time?"

Wendy was learning all sorts of new things today. Looking at how much more comfortable Gray seemed already, she was glad they had this option. She may not have thought much about the effects his returning magic would have on his body, but she had considered the impending dilemma over his choice of wardrobe over the summer months. She already knew his preference for how much skin he was willing to show. This made her feel a great deal better for his sake.

"I'll keep that in mind for future outings. All ready to go?"

They watched as Gray looked around the room, wondering what he sought. He grinned as he found Joy batting at a crumpled piece of paper they'd somehow missed while cleaning the other day. He clicked his tongue, a habit he still relied on to gain her attention, because why change a system that worked? She immediately sprang from her spot, tottering over to him, and leapt as high as her tiny legs would allow, landing in her daddy's arms. It seems Gray intends to bring her along.

"Let's hurry," said Lyon, "The train from Margaret Town will be arriving at ten. That gives us time to eat with everyone before we head to the station to greet all our friends."

"I'm so excited. Chelia and I already have the whole day planned out!" said Wendy. Packing up her things, she saw an item she'd left in her bag, and pulled it out. "I almost forgot. Here. I asked Laki-san to fix it last night." She passed the item to Gray, the good-as-new white cane which had broken several days ago.

He accepted it with a relieved grin, extending it out and wrapping his hand around it's sturdy, reassuring grip. Out of reflex, he closed his eyes, feeling secure in the familiarity of the darkness. Neither Wendy nor Lyon said anything when he kept those eyes closed, releasing Joy to allow her to climb onto his shoulder, where she remained perched. Well, he'd been adamant since before the surgery that he'd likely rely on sight only when necessary. They'll let him decide what he'll want to see today.

It's kinda weird balancing two stories at once. Kudos to those who do that all the time. If you haven't read it yet, check out my new story, "Fault Lines in the Sand." It features a rematch between Gray vs END, but also serves as a vehicle to explore the reactions and repercussions from going to far. The next chapter for that story comes out next Friday, and as always, this story will be updated in two weeks. Thanks for commenting/kudos/favorites/follows.

Next Chapter: The start of the Hanami Festival Arc. We'll get to reunite with some long-absent friends, along with some surprise guests.