Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, I just play with them. This story is rated M, and is not suitable for younger readers. Story contains violence, coarse language and sexual "situations". Please do not read if any of these things offends you.
Note: [Beta'ed by: adt216 & vasweetpea07]
Chapter 17 – Alone
Edward Cullen POV
I didn't know what point he was trying to prove, but whatever the fuck it was, it wasn't going to fly with me. When Dad grabbed me in the car and yelled in my face like that, I was momentarily speechless. Where did he get off telling me how to feel?
The uneasy knot in my stomach was ever-present on the drive home, and I had a feeling that the only cure for it was booze. A lot of booze and maybe a joint or two.
But where the hell was I supposed to get it? My stash at home was beginning to run low, and I doubted I had enough to get high and drunk. I didn't have any means of getting it either, considering I had no fucking car at the moment.
I picked up my phone from my pocket and quickly typed a message. My fingers shook in an odd way, and I had to retype it a few times to get the message right. What the hell is wrong with me?
"Still got the shit from last Friday? I need to get wasted asap."
I sighed and closed my eyes. I gripped the phone tightly in my hand as if it were some kind of lifeline while I waited patiently for Jasper's reply. It felt like forever before the phone chirped and vibrated in my hand. I looked down at the display and my mouth twisted into a lazy smirk.
"Still got it. Come by?" was his reply.
"I'm on my way." I sent the text and put the phone back in my pocket.
"You can drop me off at Jasper's," I said with my eyes fixated on the road in front of us.
"I can drop you off at home, and then you can go up to your room and stay there," Dad replied calmly. I raised an eyebrow and shot my eyes to him.
"Are you grounding me? What the fuck are you on?" I snorted incredulously.
"I could ask you the same thing, son," he replied. His voice still carried that calm and collected tone, and he knew how much that fucking bugged me.
"Whatever. Are you dropping me the fuck off or not?" I asked, irritated. "I'm going over there one way or the other, this way just happens to be easier."
He inhaled deeply and breathed out slowly. His grip on the wheel tightened, and he was gritting his teeth. If I didn't know any better, I would have guessed he was having a hard time controlling his anger. Who would have thought that Mr. Perfect-Doctor-Man could even get angry? Let alone have a hard time controlling it. But I guess that was just more proof of why my dad was big fucking loser; he couldn't even let his anger out. He always had to be in such tight control.
"So what will it be?" I asked nonchalantly. "The easy way or the hard way?"
He glanced at me, and I was a little taken aback by the obvious anger burning in his bright blue eyes. Yeah, I got that he was angry, but not that angry…
"You have obviously already chosen, son. You decided to do all of this the hard way, and who am I to interfere with that?" He was fucking taunting me now.
"Just drop me the fuck off," I muttered. "What the fuck does it matter to you anyway?"
"I would watch my mouth if I were you," he stated simply. "I think your mother and I have been way too lenient with you. We have obviously failed somewhere in raising you. We never intended to raise our son to become such a cold-hearted person."
"You can't succeed with everything, now can you?" I snorted in an attempt to hide the fact that I was insulted by his words. I was not a cold-hearted person; it just happened that I didn't care about people that didn't mean anything to me. Why did that make me cold-hearted?
He sighed deeply. I was prepared to have him lash out at me again, but no words came from him. He remained silent for the rest of the drive. Notice my surprise when he actually drove me to Jasper's. I was just about to climb out of the car when he grabbed my arm again. I groaned and turned my head to look at him.
"Your mother and I will want to have a calm and civilized conversation with you later, alright? We're tired of this game you're playing. You can't go on like this anymore. You need to change." He sighed tiredly. I narrowed my eyes at him and pulled my arm back from his grasp.
"I'm not playing any games here. I'm just being me, and I'm so fucking sorry that that's not good enough for the doctor and his precious wife," I spat.
The anger flashed in his eyes again and his nostrils flared as he stared me down. "Don't you dare talk to me like that," he said furiously. "You're lucky you're not in a juvenile detention center yet, and yes, I said 'yet' because that's where you're heading if you keep down this road you're on."
I snorted and rolled my eyes. "Way to be fucking melodramatic. Fuck you," I said before climbing out of the car and slamming the door behind me. I heard, more than saw, him drive off, and my entire body was as tense as guitar string when I walked up to the front door and knocked.
Rosalie opened the door a moment later, and I pushed past her without even a glance.
"Why, Edward, I'm just swell, thank you so much for asking," she said with a sweet voice.
"Fuck you. Where's Jasper?" I growled under my breath.
"In the basement with Emmett," she replied evenly, and I followed her down.
Their basement had been transformed into a hanging out area for us with a big flat screen TV on the wall and an Xbox attached to it, and there was a pool table in the back of the room. I plopped down on one of the two couches; Emmett and Jasper were taking up the other one.
"So, dude, where's the booze?" I asked, not wasting any time on pleasantries.
"Take your pick," Jasper replied and handed his bag over to me. I grabbed it, put it on the floor in front of me and took a look inside.
Jackpot.
I grabbed a bottle of Captain Morgan and twisted off the cap before bringing the bottle to my mouth.
"Eww," Rosalie complained. "Drink from a glass for fuck's sake."
"What the hell for? I'm not sharing this shit," I replied and took another deep gulp of the golden liquid. It burned my throat. I winced a little from the taste, but I couldn't fucking care less. I needed this shit.
"So how was Port Angeles?" Jasper asked. "Emmett mentioned your dad dragged you there."
"It was fucking peachy," I snorted as I brought the bottle to my mouth once again. "He brought me there to check out my car," I added after I had swallowed. I winced again, but I'm not entirely sure if it was because of the booze or the memory.
"Was it finished already?" Jasper asked surprised, and I rolled my eyes at his stupidity.
"No, they hadn't even started on it yet. The old man brought me there so I could see the damage the Goose did to my car… fucking… Goose…," I trailed off, shaking my head again at the memory. The image of my car flashed before my eyes, and I blinked furiously to get rid of it.
Blood fucking everywhere.
I drank greedily from the bottle in my hand as if there was some prize in the bottom of it. I noticed how Jasper and Emmett shared a look, and Emmett just shook his head.
"If you have something to say, why don't you just come out and fucking say it already?" I snapped at my brother, and he narrowed his eyes at me. I was fucking tired of his fucking behavior, and it had to stop.
"You're a fucking joke, dude. You feel so fucking sorry for yourself for what happened to your precious car. Have you even given an ounce of thought to what's going on in Isabella's life right now? Alice told us her father said she hasn't even left the hospital yet… do you even understand how fucked up that is? Are you even aware of the fucking damage you've done to her? And all you care about is your damn car," Emmett rambled and shook his head in disgust. "You're a fucking joke."
I looked at him blankly and took a slow drink from the bottle.
"You're the joke if you think I care. I may be a lot of things, but I'm not a fucking hypocrite. Alright? If I didn't care about the Goose before, why should it be any different now?" I got a weird sense of déjà vu as soon as the words left my mouth. Hadn't we had the same fucking conversation like a thousand times already?
This situation was beginning to wear on me. How many times were they going to try to force me into changing? Why couldn't they just let me be? I was fucking fine for crying out loud. If their only problem with me was that I didn't care enough about Swan, then there was no problem at all! Because who cares if I cared about her?
She survived, didn't she?
An unnerving knot twisted in my stomach at the thought, and I almost felt queasy.
Yeah, she survived, but at what cost?
She would never run again. Hell, she would never even walk like a normal person again and that didn't bother me. I took another drink from the bottle, licking my lips clean.
What did she need to run for anyway? She couldn't even walk on a flat surface without falling flat on her face. Trust me on this, I've seen it happen a crap load of times. This would probably work out for the better for her, I'm sure. She would probably have to learn how to walk again, and maybe she would gain a sense of balance and not be so vertically challenged anymore.
Yeah, that was it. I did her a favor.
A favor… yeah… Who are you trying to kid here?
I maimed her with my fucking car, and I'm sitting here and honestly thinking that I did her a fucking favor? I must have hit my head or the alcohol from the Captain was making me delirious. I might not like the girl, but come on! I can't look at this as a favor. That's just fucked up.
Fucked up and fucking inhuman.
That reminded me of the time she almost chocked to death during lunch. I remember thinking that it was inhuman when people laughed and pointed instead of helping her, but now I was practically doing the same thing. I was laughing and pointing at her now, figuratively speaking of course, which made me no better than those fuckers who did the same thing to her when she was choking. But since when did I care about being a better person? I was not a good person, even I knew that.
But just because I figured that out doesn't mean I cared about her…
"Where's the pixie? It's weird not having her yapping in my ear about something unimportant," I said in an attempt to change the subject. I was so fucking done with this conversation, and I needed something else to think about. Something that did not include a beat up car and blood… or a crippled girl.
"She's dropping off Swan's homework," Jasper replied, and I groaned inwardly.
Way to change the fucking subject.
I didn't say anything else after that. Everything came back to Swan anyway, no matter the subject. Not that I needed reminders anyway, a part of my brain was on the subject at any given time, and it was slowly driving me insane.
I drank greedily from the bottle, and it didn't take long for me to finish the whole thing. My head was spinning in the most delightful way, and I leaned my head back and closed my eyes to just enjoy the fucking buzz.
Exactly what I needed.
"Dad's gonna kill you when you get home drunk off your ass," Emmett noted, and I snorted in response.
"Then I might get out of the conversation he and mom have planned for me…" I slurred with a half-smirk not bothering to open my eyes.
"I very much doubt it, you just made that particular conversation worse," he continued.
"Whatever. I think I'll live," I said with a half-assed shrug and slumped lower on the couch.
"You disgust me." Rosalie sighed. I would have responded with some smart ass comment, but her tired tone kept me from saying anything. She didn't say that shit to bug me, she was just stating the obvious. Besides, I couldn't give her shit for that because I shared that very opinion.
I'm fucking disgusted with myself too.
"I'm going home," I declared and got off the couch on wobbly legs.
"Yeah, good luck with that, bro," Emmett scoffed.
"What? You're not gonna give me a ride?" I asked sarcastically.
"No."
I rolled my eyes at his blunt tone and made my way up the basement stairs.
"If you end up dead in a ditch don't expect me to cry at your funeral!" Emmett called after me.
"Fuck you too!" I called back.
I silently cursed my brother as I made my way out of the house. It was always nice to know who's got your back; sadly my brother obviously didn't have mine. But why should I care? He could go fuck himself.
They can all go fuck themselves.
I was alone in all of this. My dad thought I was a cold-hearted ass; my mom thought I was a disappointment and my brother thought I was a joke.
Man, did I hit the jackpot in the family lottery or what?
I walked aimlessly from Jasper's house for a while, and after a couple of blocks, I realized I had walked into very familiar territory. I had done the walk of shame down this particular block more times than I cared to count.
If I had been sober, I would have ran away as fast as my legs could carry me and got my ass out of here. This was not a safe place for me, considering who lived in that particular blue house across the street. But I was feeling pretty damn sorry for myself at the moment, and the only person who always had my back no matter how awful I treated her just happened to live across the street.
Tanya.
I blame the alcohol in my system for what I did next.
I pulled out my phone and pushed a few buttons before putting the phone to my ear, and leaned casually against a tree.
"Hello… Edward?" It was amazing how her voice sounded so much better when I wasn't sober. It didn't sound like nails on a chalkboard, and it didn't make my balls want to crawl up into my body.
"Babe… watcha doin?" I smirked and tried my best not to slur my words.
"Ed-Edward?" she stuttered again.
"Watcha wearing?" I asked, ignoring her inability to say something coherent.
"Edward… you can't ignore me for days and call me a skank, and still think I'm up for your bullshit," she complained, but I could still hear that familiar undertone of hope in her voice.
This was Tanya in a nutshell. It didn't matter how much I pushed her away from me. She was like a kicked dog – she looked all sad and pouty when I was mean to her, but she always forgave me in the end even though I never asked for it. She was fucking obsessed with me, and if I had any sense of self-preservation, I would keep my distance from her. Alice kept telling me over and over again that I couldn't keep stringing her along like this and making her believe that we had some kind of future together. But sometimes I just needed a release, and Tanya just happened to be close. She didn't seem to mind, on the contrary, she actually seemed to really fucking enjoy it. She loved whatever attention I threw her way. So why the fuck couldn't that be enough for her? Why did she have to be all clingy and hope to be my girlfriend or some shit? She knew me better than that. She knew I didn't do girlfriends.
Frankly, if I did do girlfriends, then I wouldn't go for someone like Tanya.
Tanya wasn't girlfriend material, even I knew that. She was only good for one thing, and one thing only; she was an easy lay. Nothing else. She was a vapid and shallow bitch, nothing less, nothing more.
So why the hell was she pushing this damn girlfriend business?
"I'm in a really shitty place right now, alright? I just need somewhere to hang. You rather I call Jessica or Lauren? I'm sure either of them would be more than happy to meet my needs," I replied with a tired sigh. I wasn't fighting fair, I knew that, because that argument was always what pushed her over. She was quiet for a moment, probably contemplating if I was worth it this time. We both knew what her answer would be, so it was unnecessary for her to act like we didn't. I should have felt bad for basically treating her like a hooker, but – to be honest – she wasn't anything more to me. She should have known this too by now.
"Fine, whatever. You can come over. My parents aren't home right now anyway. It's just me and my sister… but I doubt she will be a problem," she said, and her voice rose a little in excitement.
Yeah, that was Tanya in a nutshell alright. She couldn't stay mad at me for any period of time to save her fucking life.
"Thanks, babe, I owe you one."
"You owe me a hundred," she replied with a huff before hanging up on me. I pushed myself away from the tree and walked up to the house. If Tanya annoyed me too much, I figured I could always go to the next room and cozy up with her sister.
It's not like I haven't done that before…
I rang the doorbell, and Tanya opened the door just a moment later. She looked surprised to see me.
"Okay, how the hell did you get here so fast? Were where you?" she asked confused.
"Oh, I was just standing across the street watching you…" I said and leaned forward with a smirk. She crinkled her nose at me and took a step back.
"Have you been drinking?" she asked incredulously. "It's like… four in the afternoon... on a Thursday!" I rolled my eyes at her, and she pursed her lips as she stepped aside so I could step in.
"When did you become such a goody-goody?" I asked her.
"You're such a douche," she sighed and turned to the stairs.
You got to love her for keeping up the pretense of being annoyed with me.
She wanted this more than I did, and she still had the nerve to pretend like she didn't. If that wasn't enough for me to want to cut her completely out of my life, I don't know what would be. Her fake persona was definitely the thing that bugged me most about her. But then again, I wasn't with her for her persona…
I followed her to her room on the second floor, and I pulled her to me as soon as the door was shut behind us. I didn't want to hear her say another word. I just wanted to have something else to think about for a while, and my own pleasure was just the right thing to get me in a better mood.
She made a moaning, squealing sound as I began nibbling on her neck and let my hands wander under her shirt. I was not about to waste any fucking time. I needed this. Now.
I hadn't had a fucking release since before the accident. It had been over a week. No wonder I was feeling so weird with that sick feeling in my stomach and that lump in my throat that sometimes didn't want to go away. I was in fucking sex withdrawal.
What else could it be?
"Edward… what happened to… God…" she was already panting and unable to form any coherent sentences, and that was good. I didn't come here to hear her talk. I unbuckled the designer knock-off belt she was wearing and unzipped her pants. But before I even got access to the Promised Land, she grabbed my hands and stilled any further movement. "Edward, seriously… What the hell has gotten into you?"
I groaned into her neck before leaning back and meeting her gaze. It was not a pretty sight to see her up close. Her skin was blotchy and caking with make-up and her eye lashes looked like thick, hairy spider legs because of the ridiculous amount of mascara that she had put on.
God, she's ugly. What the hell am I doing here again?
"I was hoping I would get into you, but if you insist on talking then maybe I should take my business elsewhere," I replied with a tired sigh.
"Oh baby… you're hurting… aren't you?" she cooed and put her hands on either side of my face. "If you need to talk, you know I'm here for you… you don't need to sleep with me in order for me to listen… I like to believe our relationship runs deeper than that…" I cringed at the mere sound of her saying so much in one single take.
"What relationship, Tanya? This isn't a fucking relationship," I said between clenched teeth.
"Oh, Edward… you always come to me when you've had a shitty day. You always come to me when you need a release. Hell, you always come to me… and you tell me this isn't a relationship? Admit it already. You love me!" she said excitedly and threw her arms around my neck and pulled me to her.
I was as still as a statue in her embrace and my mind was working overtime in order to process what the hell she had just said. My mind had a hard time wrapping around her delusions in a sober state as it was, so that bottle of Captain Morgan in my system wasn't really helping matters.
She thought I loved her?
I quickly unwrapped her arms from around my neck and pushed her away. Any standing ovation going on in my pants was long gone. I would not have been surprised if I was left with a permanent impotence problem after this. The thought of ever loving Tanya was going to give me nightmares.
"Okay, that is fucking it," I muttered and turned towards the door.
"Oh, Edward… c'mon… don't be like that," she whined as she grabbed my arm and tried unsuccessfully to hold me back.
"Tanya, if you enjoy having full use of your arms, you should probably let the fuck go now," I said with an eerily calm voice as I stared her down with drunken eyes. She let her hands fall down to her sides, and then she narrowed her eyes at me.
"Yeah? And what are you going to do? Are you gonna run me over like you did Swan?" she taunted.
It's wrong to hit a woman. It's wrong to hit a woman. It's wrong to hit a woman…
I gritted my teeth to the point where I thought they would actually turn to dust, and my fists were tightly clenched by my sides. I glared at her, and something in my eyes must have frightened her because she took a step back and fiddled nervously with her hands.
"Maybe you should look twice before you cross the road next time," I growled before turning and leaving the room. I regretted the words as soon as they were spoken, but I didn't fucking care. She had it coming.
I quickly descended the stairs and walked out of the house. My angry walk wasn't as confident as I would have liked; instead it was somewhat wobbly. I didn't walk straight, and I almost tripped over a small rock on the ground. I never tripped, for crying out loud. I was no fucking Goose.
Fucking Captain Morgan.
It was all the alcohol's fault. I would never have called Tanya if I had been sober, and I would have been sober if I hadn't gone to Jasper…
Fucking Jasper.
It was his fault! He was the one who bought it and told me to come over. I had not been in any mood to go home because Dad was being a fucking pain in the ass…
Fucking Doctor Know-it-all Dad!
It was all his fault! If he hadn't pissed me off in the car and dragged me to Port Angeles to see my baby all bloodied up, then I wouldn't have felt the need to get drunk in the first place.
I stopped dead in my tracks and narrowed my eyes at nothing in particular when the realization hit me.
Fucking freak Goose!
It was all her fucking fault! Of course it was! If she hadn't been in the middle of nowhere for no reason at all, then I wouldn't have fucking maimed her, and if I hadn't maimed her, then my life would still be perfectly fucking fine.
I huffed and started walking again.
I reached a crosswalk, and I stepped out onto the street without a second thought. I jumped high when a car suddenly honked at me. I turned my head and felt my stomach drop.
Fuck me backwards with a rusty spoon.
Of all the people in this fucking town, of course the only person driving on these empty streets in this neighborhood was the last person on earth that I wanted to meet.
The door opened, and Chief Swan stepped out of the car, stalking up to me with all the authority in the world in his steps. He didn't trip or falter in his steps at all… for some reason I found that noteworthy, maybe he wasn't his daughter's father? Maybe the Goose was adopted.
Wouldn't surprise me. What parent wouldn't give up that freak at birth?
"Mr. Cullen, ever heard of looking both ways before crossing the goddamn street?" he asked darkly.
I couldn't help but laugh at that. Was he serious? I maimed his fucking daughter just a week ago, and he chose to chastise me for crossing a street without looking? That was fucking priceless.
"Something funny?" he asked, and it didn't go me unnoticed how he touched the gun in the holster on his belt.
"No, sir," I replied, but before I knew it, I was laughing like a mad man again. I laughed so hard my stomach hurt, and I had to bend over.
"Are you drunk?" he asked, and he sounded almost as incredulous as Tanya.
"Yes, sir," I replied as I tried to calm myself down, and not until I met his gaze did I realize that I had just admitted to underage drinking. Wow, way to screw myself over.
"Maybe I should drive your sorry ass home," he said and grabbed my arm. He pulled me to the car without even waiting for me to respond, and he all but threw me into the backseat before getting in behind the wheel again.
I sat up and tried to push back the wave of motion sickness that seemed to overwhelm me as soon as the car was set in motion.
"You puke. You clean. Got it?" the chief said and narrowed his eyes at me through the rearview mirror. I did a half-assed effort to roll my eyes, but that just added to the spinning that was already going on in my head.
I laid down on my side and groaned when the car shook as it hit a hole in the worn pavement. It was as if he wanted me to puke, just to see me suffer as I wiped that shit up. As if I would ever touch vomit - even if it was my own.
I must have passed out in the car. I'm not sure. But the next thing I knew I was roughly pulled out of the car again. Whoever pulled me out let go of me, and I stumbled a few steps before I regained my balance. I glared at the chief who was the only person in sight.
"Fuck you, you could have at least given me some warning," I muttered.
"Did you give my daughter some warning?" he retorted and glared at me with so much emotion that I had to look away.
"What is going on here? Chief Swan?" Mom's worried tone echoed through our yard, and I saw how she quickly descended the steps from the house and walked over to us. The crunching from the gravel under her feet sounded louder than it should, and I cringed at the sound. It reminded me of Tanya's voice and the thought of her made me cringe again.
Lesson of the day? Just because you don't need to be stuck in school for an entire day, doesn't mean the day can't turn out to be the epitome of suckage anyway.
My mouth tasted foul, and I was fucking hungry. I hadn't eaten since… breakfast? Wow, no wonder I felt like shit. I never drank on an empty stomach; even I knew that shit was stupid.
"I'm fucking hungry," I muttered and looked over at Mom. She was looking at me with that disappointed look in her eyes, which seemed to be a permanent fixture on her face every time she looked at me nowadays.
"Dinner will be ready in an hour. Why don't you go upstairs and clean yourself up while I speak to Chief Swan," she suggested. I could tell she had to try hard to keep her tone all motherly, but she wasn't fooling anybody. The look said it all… and then some.
I didn't give them a second glance as I went up to the house.
If I were lucky I would make it up to my bed before I passed the fuck out.
x x x x x
"Edward Anthony Cullen!"
I groaned at the sound and put my pillow over my face, holding it against my ears to cover the noise.
"Carlisle… don't yell at him… it will only make things worse…"
My bedroom door swung open and slammed up against my wall with a bang. I heard the muffled sound of angry steps nearing the bed and suddenly the pillow was yanked away from me. Dad was hovering over me and glaring at me with a furious gaze.
"What the hell is wrong with you? Getting drunk and wandering the streets?" he yelled.
Mom tugged at his arm and let her gaze alternate between us. She looked very apprehensive. She had never been one for people yelling and fighting. Maybe that was why I've never gotten into any serious trouble before.
I crawled into sitting position and leaned back against the headboard of the bed.
"Nothing is wrong with me… I was just having some fun," I muttered.
He flung out his arms in frustration and pinched the bridge of his nose as he began pacing back and forth.
"You… who are you?" he asked in frustration without looking at me.
"Carlisle, I don't think this is the time," Mom piped up. "I rather our son is sober when we have this conversation."
"Yes, Esme, I would love it, if that was possible. But I don't expect much from my son anymore, and I wouldn't be surprised if he began to be round-the-clock drunk just to get out of it," Dad replied angrily.
"I'm fine… let's have the conversation," I said calmly and clasped my hands in my lap as I looked at them. "I'm sober enough to hear whatever you have to say about me… do you want me to get you started? How about what a fucking disappointment I am and what a cold-hearted person I am… oh wait… you already told me that!" I smiled sweetly at them, and I almost felt bad when I saw the distraught look in Mom's eyes. It was safer for my sanity to look at Dad, because he just looked angry.
"Sweetie, we're not disappointed in you… we're just… disappointed in your behavior," Mom said carefully and sat down gingerly on the edge of the bed. "You have always been an independent boy, and you have never been afraid to speak your mind. But sweetie, there is a limit for everything… the way you have been behaving for the last week is not you."
Suddenly my fingernails were very fascinating, and they needed my utmost attention.
"He doesn't care, Esme! Can't you see?" Dad exclaimed and looked at us with frustrated eyes.
"Of course he cares, " Mom argued and gave him an irritated glance before looking back at me with a sad smile on her face. "You're just scared, aren't you, Edward? The accident… and Isabel-"
"Mention her fucking name again and I'll really give you a reason to be disappointed in my behavior," I cut her off furiously. Mom flinched, and she put her hand to her mouth to stifle a gasp. Her eyes immediately filled with tears, and I turned away my gaze and looked out the window instead.
Why couldn't they just leave me alone? They had never given me much crap for anything I'd ever done before. They always used to leave me to fend for myself. So what was up with this sudden burst of… parenting? I liked the way it was before. Why did everything have to change?
"You're grounded. Two weeks. No exceptions," Dad said sternly.
I held back a snort and settled on just shaking my head. If he thought that that was a punishment, then he was sadly mistaken. There was nothing that held me in the outside world anymore; everything was fucking ruined for me.
"Edward… maybe you should talk to someone," Mom suggested quietly.
I didn't bother to respond in any way at all. Not a sound, not a movement, not even a glance. Nothing. I kept my eyes fixated on the trees outside the window and kept my poker face on. I was sure that they would leave if I just stayed quiet and still long enough.
Everything would get back to normal if they would just leave me alone.
I guess they must have left at some point. I don't know how long I stared out the window, but my neck was a little stiff when I finally turned my head back to my room and found it empty.
I frowned as I looked down on my hands.
I could still feel the alcohol in my system. It would probably be a while before my body had processed it all, but I still felt oddly sober. Or maybe I was just at that drunken state when you think you're sober, but you realize you're not as soon as you get behind the wheel.
Yeah, maybe I should test that theory.
Getting behind the wheel now would be such a great idea. If I was lucky, I might just maim another innocent girl or cripple an entire family. Yeah… that would be so awesome.
I closed my eyes and was immediately assaulted by the image of another innocent, now crippled, girl and blood… lots and lots of blood.
My stomach did a weird flipping motion, and I put my hand to my mouth to stop what I knew was on its way.
I quickly climbed off the bed and stumbled my way into the bathroom. I kneeled before the toilet, and I barely got the lid up before my stomach decided it was time to lose its contents. I held the sides of the toilet in a tight grip as I let my stomach release everything. My stomach was hurting when the dry-heaving began because my stomach had nothing left to lose. But I still felt sick and my body kept up the illusion of puking.
After a while, the feeling subsided, and I collapsed onto the cold tile floor and curled up into a ball. I touched my cheek, frowning as I looked at my fingers.
They were wet. As if I had been crying.
Edward Cullen does not cry.
Edward fucking Cullen does not cry.
Then why the hell were my cheeks wet, my body shaking and my breathing coming out in short gasps?
I rocked back and forth on the floor and squeezed my eyes shut in an attempt to keep any more unfamiliar wetness from leaving my eyes. All the while I chanted three words in my head.
I don't care… I don't care… I don't care…
x x x x x
The rest of the weekend went by without much incident, and that was mostly due to the fact that I didn't leave my room once – other than going down to the kitchen to grab something to eat. I didn't go to school on Friday and for some inexplicable reason neither of my parents bugged me about it. They left me pretty much alone – just as I wished – all day, and they didn't disturb me until dinner when Mom came up and asked me – through the door, I might add – if I was hungry. I grunted some incoherent response, and she left without another word.
She didn't ask me to dinner on Saturday or on Sunday either.
Emmett wasn't talking to me either, and that bugged me more than I wanted to admit. He used to be my best fucking friend and now he wasn't talking to me?
Well, fine. If that was how he wanted to play things, then who was I to argue?
I had been feeling eerily empty and hollow ever since I woke up on the bathroom floor early on Friday morning, stiff as a fucking board. My body screamed at me with each and every little move my body made. Most of my Friday was spent in bed, staring out that fucking window.
When Sunday evening rolled around, I had that fucking view memorized. It would be forever etched into my mind. What a pathetic way to spend a weekend.
At least I didn't cry anymore… that would have been more than pathetic, and I would have been forced to admit that Emmett was right about me being a joke.
But as I thought of it, maybe it wasn't even real tears. I wasn't fucking crying like a girl. I had just puked my guts out for crying out loud, and eyes always water up when you puke and make it look like you cried… so that was probably it. As for the shaking, it was probably just due to the alcohol or the cold – the tiles had been fucking freezing. The under floor-heating must have been broken or something.
I dragged my sorry ass down to the kitchen on Monday morning. No matter how much I enjoyed wallowing in my own misery, I knew I had to get my ass out of the house if I wanted to keep my sanity. My room may be my haven, but there was only so much time I could spend there without going insane.
Mom smiled at me when I stepped into the kitchen, but I didn't even glance at her. I wasn't in the mood for her loving pep-talk. I saw in the corner of my eye how Emmett followed me with his gaze as he shoveled spoonfuls of cereal into his big mouth.
"Nice to see you up and about. Are you going to school today?" Mom asked softly and I nodded. "Well that's good… I'm sure you didn't miss too much when you were gone on Friday…"
"Yeah, because Edward is so serious about his studies, and I'm sure he's absolutely devastated that he missed an entire day," Emmett mocked, putting a hand to his heart and tilting his head as he pouted in the most ridiculous way. I glared at him, but he just glared back before he continued on with his cereal.
"Very well," Mom sighed as she brought her plate to the sink. "I'm going to Seattle for the day. You'll have to make your own dinner tonight… I'm sure you're devastated you'll have to order take-out." She chastely kissed my cheek when she passed me and smiled softly. "Be good today, Edward, please…" She was on the verge on pleading, and I reluctantly met her gaze and nodded.
"I'll be good," I mumbled, and she smiled sadly at me.
"That's my boy," she said quietly and gave me another peck on the cheek before leaving.
Emmett pushed his chair back and walked over to the sink to leave his plate. When he heard the front door close, he turned to me.
"Your ass is mine if you fuck up today," he said gravely.
"And what on earth would I fuck up today?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Isabella will be back today, at least according to Alice. And if you pull any shit on her today I swear to fucking God I will rip your fucking nuts off, okay?" he continued still with that serious tone.
I wanted to roll my eyes at him and ask him where he kept his tampons, but something kept me from making the joke. Something in his tone stirred something in me, and I didn't like it one bit. The knot in my stomach was back.
I nodded slowly.
"Yeah… of course," I mumbled and his eyes widened slightly in surprise. I guess he was expecting some other kind of response from me.
"Well… okay then… good… awesome," he said as he looked a little baffled.
He gave me a weird look before leaving the kitchen, and I gripped the counter edge to steady myself.
This was going to be a long fucking day.
x x x x x
It felt like something shifted between me and Emmett on the way to school, like he had forgiven me or something. He still didn't talk to me, but at least he gave me a ride, and that must count for something, right?
When we reached the parking lot, he had barely put the car in park and turned off the ignition before he jumped out and jogged away. I looked at him in confusion until I realized where he was going… or rather, towards which car he was going.
Fuck. I know that car.
The passenger door of the police cruiser opened, and the first thing I saw was an enormous leg. Before I knew it, the rest of the girl tumbled out of the car too. Luckily for her, I guess, Emmett was there to catch her before she fell flat on her face.
She looked utterly terrified at his close proximity, and I didn't blame her. He could be one scary dude. But it wasn't her terrified expression that stayed with me; it was the lack of strength in her demeanor. She looked so small and fragile, and there was nothing left of that scary kitten from the hospital. For some reason that pissed me the fuck off.
I had expected her to be strong.
I expected her to come back with a vengeance.
That would have made shit so much easier for me.
I watched how Emmett grabbed her bag and walked with her towards the school entrance. She seemed to struggle with her balance on the crutches. She really had shit cut out for her since people pushed her on purpose as they passed her on the steps.
I slowly climbed out of the car and shook my head as if the scenery would change and make more sense if I did that. But nothing changed. My brother still walked up the steps by her side and shot daggers at whoever dared to go near her again.
What the fuck is he doing?
I almost felt sick again. It was as if the mere sight of her made me sick, which of course, was kind of understandable seeing how she had managed to screw up my life in a matter of seconds.
I loathe that girl and everything she represents.
I stepped away from the car and made my way up to the school. People were whispering even more than they had before because she was back. When I finally thought people would forget all about it and move the fuck on already, she decided it was a good idea to come back and stir up the talk yet again.
Fucking Goose. She is going to be the death of me, I'm fucking sure of it.
The first few hours of school went by quicker than I thought possible. I spent my time doodling nothings in my notebook and not really paying any attention in class. None of my classmates gave me any shit either, but that wasn't so surprising. I bet they still remembered by that Newton incident and they wouldn't want to end up like him. I had a short temper; they knew that, and today was not the day to piss me off.
I passed Newton in the hallway on the way to the cafeteria, and he quickly stepped aside so he was nowhere near me when I passed. He looked utterly terrified when I glanced over at him, and I swear to God that he was on the verge of peeing his fucking pants.
Fucking loser.
When I reached the line to the cafeteria, I grabbed the first items I saw and paid for them, before walking over to my table. I frowned when I saw that only Jasper and Rose were sitting there. Though it wasn't the first time someone arrived late at our table, I still got a bad feeling about it.
"Sup guys, where are the pixie and the giant?" I asked and tried to keep my tone carefree and relaxed, as if I couldn't give a rat's ass.
"With the cripple," Rosalie replied coolly.
"Rose, c'mon… don't be so fucking blunt," Jasper sighed, and Rose rolled her eyes in response. I plopped down on my seat and scoffed as if it didn't bother me at all. Because it didn't… I think.
From my seat I had the perfect view of the other table where Alice and Emmett sat with Swan. I could tell Swan was fucking uncomfortable with them there, and she was probably too scared to tell them to go fuck themselves. She probably didn't want to offend them even though she didn't seem to want their fucking attention.
She looked beyond frustrated when Alice and Emmett began talking about something, and a moment later Alice had her pens ready to draw something on her cast. Swan smiled at Alice, but the smile did not reach her eyes.
While Alice drew on the cast, Swan let her eyes wander, and I could tell it wasn't until then that she realized their little group was quite the attention gatherer. She met my gaze momentarily, and I narrowed my eyes automatically.
I hated what I saw in those brown eyes of hers.
She looked fucking weak. Weak and fragile and just fucking… broken.
I did that to her.
The cast on her leg seemed so out of place on her small form. It was nothing short of a miracle that she could even operate those crutches, considering her nonexistent grace and balance.
But it wasn't her injury that caught my attention. It was her eyes.
I've never seen eyes like those before.
I've never believed that shit people say, that you can see a person's soul by looking into her eyes, that the eyes are the windows to our souls or whatever. But something told me I could see hers.
Or some shit like that.
There was an unshielded amount of pain and misery in them. As if she had experienced the greatest pain imaginable in the world, and that she had been to hell and back.
She was in pain. Unspeakable pain.
Something told me that it had nothing to do with me or the accident. Neither was the cause for her pain. It was something else… something bigger, and it made me hate her even more.
Fuck. I'm beginning to sound like a girl again.
"What do you think they're drawing on her cast?" Rose asked under her breath, as she tore her eyes away from her traitor-boyfriend. "A turkey or a goose?" I couldn't help but chuckle darkly at that.
"Maybe a cooked turkey with a thermometer shoved up its-" I said, but was cut off by Jasper.
"Oh, dude, that's uncool," Jasper complained and proceeded with leaning his elbows on the table and rubbing his temples.
Great, Jasper was about to enter the Jasper-mode. Just what I needed.
I shared a look with Rose, and she just shook her head.
"He's been like this the entire weekend…" she sighed. "As have Emmett and Alice… seriously, snap out of it already. I can't fucking take it anymore." Jasper glared at her, and she just stared back. Nobody ever won a staring contest against Rose. Jasper sighed and looked down on his tray and studied it as if it were the most fascinating thing he had ever seen in his life.
"I get why Alice is acting like Swan is her own personal charity project, but what the hell does my brother have to do with it?" I asked and Rose sighed deeply.
"I think that's a question better left unanswered… for your sake," she replied and cocked an eyebrow at me as she gave me a pointed look. I groaned and pushed away my tray. Her response answered the question better than the real answer. He was my brother after all, and I knew him better than anyone. Therefore I pretty much knew why the hell he did it. I didn't even need to ask in the first place.
He did it out of guilt.
"He thinks he owes her," I stated and Rose half-shrugged.
"Pretty much," she agreed at the same time as the bell rang. "Well, this was fun. Let's never do this shit again, okay?" She gave us a wide, fake smile before gathering her stuff and stalking out of the room. I followed her with my eyes and turned to look at Jasper.
"Emmett won't even talk to me." I sighed and Jasper shook his head.
"I'm not getting involved. That shit is between the two of you," he replied curtly.
"Dude, c'mon, you can't leave me stranded like this," I complained, and he shot me a blank look.
"I get where you're coming from, Ed, I really do, but I also get where Emmett is coming from. And I'm not about to pick a side in this fucking mess. Consider me Switzerland, alright?" he said. I groaned and nodded.
"Whatever, dude," I said with a sigh.
We parted ways in the hallway, and I went by my locker before making my way to the next class. I walked over to Newton and Lauren who were already sitting together by a table in the back. I plopped down on an empty chair and put my books on the table. I grabbed my notebook and a pen and began doodling. There was no way in hell that I was about to participate in the lamest project ever.
"Ah, Miss Swan, welcome back…" I stiffened in my seat and I almost broke the pencil in my hand. I had managed to forget that Swan was in my fucking group, and according to the current conversation between her and Mr. Melina she was not about to switch groups either.
Fuck. My. Life.
I frowned and tried to control the irrational anger that was beginning to stir inside of me. I focused purely on the doodling I was doing, though it had become more of a drawing by this point.
The front tire needs a little more shadow….
I let my hand do all the work, and I tried to relax and ignore my surroundings completely. But when Swan pulled out the only remaining seat at our table, my eyes decided to betray me. I locked eyes with her and I gritted my teeth automatically. Some part of me almost wanted to growl at her like a fucking animal.
We didn't lock eyes for long, but it was long enough. I didn't like having her this damn close because up close her eyes were even more expressive, and I didn't like it one bit. I didn't want to see or know what the hell she was feeling.
She quietly asked if someone could fill her in on what we had worked on for the past week, and I almost wanted to snort at that. Maybe I should ask the same thing, because I had no fucking idea either even though I had been to almost every class last week.
"If you bothered to come at all last week, then you would know," Lauren sneered.
Was she stupid or did she honestly think she was funny? I sighed inaudibly and kept on sketching.
There needs to more shadows over here too… there had been a fallen tree beside the road…
"Oh, I'm sorry," Swan replied with a sickly sweet and mocking tone. "I was stuck in the hospital having surgery." I almost dropped my pen at that. Appearances can be deceiving; she might look fragile and weak, but that spark from the hospital seemed somewhat intact. She could obviously fend for herself if she needed too, even though there was no doctor there to save her… or maybe she was counting on Mr. Melina for that this time.
"I think you're exaggerating. I bet you were home eating Bon-Bon's and watching soaps all day, just so people would feel sorry for you," Lauren continued with a snort. "We all know the accident was your fault. Besides, you don't look that hurt. What did they operate on? Your brain?"
I snapped my head up and stared at Lauren. What the fuck did she just say? Did she just trivialize the accident and the consequences of it? Lauren looked oddly hopeful as she met my gaze, and I wondered what the hell she was trying to prove. Did she think I was going down on one knee and propose to her just because she defended my honor or whatever it was she was trying to do?
Well, Lauren, you have another thing coming…
"Shut up, Lauren," I snarled, and my anger was barely kept at bay. "Don't talk about things you know nothing about."
Her face fell, and she quickly looked down. I almost wanted to hiss "Good girl" at her. I put my focus back on the notebook in front of me, but I couldn't find it in me to continue to draw. The picture was fucking done. The scenery the way it should have been.
I was momentarily lost in the picture, and it almost felt like I was there… again.
It felt like I stared at the picture for an eternity before the pen began moving aimlessly again. The shadows became darker; the contours more pronounced and the blood smoother.
Every time the pen moved to the picture of her, my eyes lifted and met Swan's. For some reason it was important to get every detail right. I fucked up. I knew that. It felt like if I at least managed to get this picture right, then it would be okay.
"Okay, we're gonna go to the library and check up on the marriage stats. You guys can proofread this and add whatever you see fit," Newton said. Lauren shot Swan an irritated look as she passed her, and Swan rolled her eyes before continuing whatever it was she was doing with her notebook. She didn't reach for the notes, which I had expected she would.
Didn't Miss Goody-Goody-Goose care about her grades anymore?
"What? You're not gonna check up on the work?" I asked, my voice low and dark. She met my gaze and looked a little surprised at the fact that I had even addressed her. The surprised look in her eyes was soon replaced with something that resembled determination, but it was clouded with something else too.
"No, I trust that whatever crap they come up with is enough for us to pass this assignment," she replied quietly. I cocked an eyebrow at her, and she continued to look me straight in the eyes without batting an eye. I wanted to smirk at her sad attempt to appear indifferent.
"You shouldn't trust people especially those who aren't your friends," I continued. I could tell by the look in her eyes that she knew exactly what I was talking about. This wasn't about the assignment anymore. It was about those two traitors who drew on her cast. I had to resist the urge to ask her to pull her pant leg up so I could see what the hell they had drawn.
"Whatever you're doing, it isn't working," she mumbled so quietly I almost missed it entirely.
"And what exactly am I doing?" I asked calmly and kept my eyes on her. But she did not return my gaze or bother to respond, she just kept her eyes on the notebook in front of her. This irritated me to no end. She couldn't fucking say shit like that and think I would let it go.
I snatched the notebook from her and almost threw it against the wall in the process. She frowned in irritation as she finally met my gaze. For some reason it made me think of kittens. You know when they try to act all tough and scary, but just look pathetic.
If a kitten can ever be pathetic that is, but whatever. You know what I mean.
"I have no homework written in there, so there's nothing for you to steal," she muttered. I cocked my head to the side as I stared at her in disbelief.
"And what is that supposed to mean?" I was not able to keep the condescending tone from my voice, and I frankly didn't care. If she wanted to speak in riddles, that was her choice.
"Oh, God, how stupid are you? Do you steal other people's homework so often that you can't even keep them apart?" she blurted angrily and I wanted to laugh at the ridiculous expression on her face. She looked so… angry.
"What the hell are you talking about?" I asked. I really didn't know what she was getting at. "Have you hit your head or something?" I was just about to laugh at her for being so pathetic when I realized what the hell I had just said. The knot in my stomach was back with a vengeance, and it twisted in the most awkward way.
The question didn't go unnoticed by her either, and she narrowed her eyes at me.
"Why yes, Edward, I have," she replied with a calm and collected voice.
"So I've heard," I mumbled and turned my gaze down.
Wow, you really put her in her place with that one, ey, Cullen?
Shut up.
She might not have been my favorite person in the world, but I didn't need to throw shit in her face like that. It was not a good way to go about things if I intended to forget all about it anytime soon. This way the only thing I succeeded, was to remind myself even further about what a fucking screw up I was.
I retraced all the lines in my drawing over and over again, to the point where my pen almost pierced the paper. At the moment, it was the only thing keeping me from breaking down.
A sudden noise got my attention, and I looked up at Swan. I frowned when I saw her face contorted in pain. She was squeezing her eyes shut, and she was breathing in that stupid way that people do when they're in labor. I couldn't tear my eyes off of her even though I didn't want to see this. It was as if I was witnessing something private, something that should not be seen by other people.
The pain must have subsided because her breathing returned to normal, and she slowly opened her eyes and blinked a few times. She locked eyes with me almost immediately, and she looked irritated when she did.
"Take a picture. It'll last longer," she spat. I furrowed my brows and wondered what the hell I was supposed to respond to that. She was right after all. I had no reason to look at her like that or look at her at all for that matter.
"If you're trying to make me feel bad for you, then don't bother. I don't fucking care about you," I said with a collected voice. I leaned back in my seat and crossed my arms over my chest, to show her that she wasn't getting to me. If this was her way of getting back at me, then she had another thing coming.
"I'm not trying anything," she replied and looked at me incredulously. "Oh, and don't worry, I know better than to think you would ever care about anyone other than yourself." She sighed and was quiet for a moment before she continued, and when she did, it was in a quiet and apprehensive voice. "But for what it's worth… I'm sorry."
Fuck. No.
Now she was obviously messing with me by trying to push my buttons. Suddenly I didn't feel so bad for making that comment about her head. Fucking Goose. Who the hell did she think she was? She flinched when I glared at her, and I took silent pride in that.
You should be scared.
"What the hell are you apologizing for?" I hissed and clenched my teeth. She flinched again at my tone, and she looked utterly terrified.
"For the accident," she replied, and she almost sounded confused, as if she didn't know what the hell she was apologizing for and was just taking a wild guess.
That was fucking it for me.
"Fuck you, Goose," I snapped. I pushed my chair back. It fell to the floor with a loud bang, but I didn't fucking care as I stalked out off the room.
"Fucking Goose…thinks she knows everything…thinks she can act like she's all superior by apologizing when she fucking knows it wasn't her fucking fault… fucking Goose… fuck…"I muttered inaudibly to myself.
I was halfway to my locker when I realized I had forgotten my books. I groaned loudly, and the sound echoed through the empty halls.
Fuck. My. Life. Indeed.
I wavered between the choices of going back and getting my shit or just leaving it be and hoping it ended up in a dumpster somewhere. But I figured that if I didn't go back and get my shit then Swan would probably end up taking them for me. She would once again show me what a great and sympathetic person she was. Exactly what I needed. Another fucking reminder.
I growled as I turned back to the classroom and stalked back in. People looked at me, but I didn't even glance at them.
Fuck them. Fuck all of them.
When I reached our desk, I saw that Swan was looking at my notebook. I froze in place and stared at her wide eyed. Who the fuck did she think she was, looking through my private shit like that?
She was tracing the lines of the drawing with her finger, and it pissed me off.
I snatched the notebook from under her eyes and her head snapped up.
"Don't. touch. my. stuff." I said slowly, punctuating every word as her eyes widened.
"I-I… I'm sorry, I didn't mean to… it was just… you're good…" she replied lamely and I rolled my eyes.
"Good? What the fuck are you on? What the hell did my dad prescribe you? This is not good. But I can see why the hell you would think that," I trailed off and gripped the edges of the desk to steady myself. My head was fucking spinning, and I was sick to my fucking stomach. I couldn't even see straight. The anger was fading from my system and was slowly replaced by something else entirely. My body was fucking shaking, and I had a hard time breathing properly. Since when was it so hard to get oxygen into your lungs? It wasn't damn rocket science. It was the most natural fucking thing in the world. So why was it suddenly so hard?
"Edward… are you okay?" Swan's voice sounded as if it came through a tunnel, and I slowly looked up to meet her gaze. She even had the nerve to look worried for me.
For me. How dare she?
"Peachy," I replied in what came out as a whisper.
She frowned as she pushed her chair back. She reached for her backpack and put away her books. She awkwardly put on the backpack and steadied herself on her crutches.
"Maybe you should go get some air," she said tentatively.
It almost sounded as if she was suggesting we would go together. As if I would ever go anywhere with the Goose.
"Not with you," I hissed.
She gave me a tired look and tilted her head to the side.
"I wasn't suggesting that," she replied calmly. "I was suggesting you should go out. You're pale as a ghost, and you look like you could use some fresh air."
"I maimed you with my car," I hissed quietly. "Why the hell would you care about what I need?"
She smiled sadly at me and looked me steadily in the eyes. We stood there, just looking at each other for what felt like an eternity before she answered.
"Because I'm not the only one who's hurting."