Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, I just play with them. This story is rated M, and is not suitable for younger readers. Story contains violence, coarse language and sexual "situations". Please do not read if any of these things offends you.
Note: [Beta'ed by: adt216 & vasweetpea07]
Chapter 21 - Constant
Edward Cullen POV
I leaned against the wall and looked out the window. Why I bothered to stay in school was beyond me. Why didn't I just skip and leave this hellhole since I wasn't even going to class anyway? But, of course, I couldn't just up and leave. Something in my head kept holding me back and I had a feeling it had something do with Swan.
"You haven't been here in fucking forever."
My own fucking words were coming back to haunt me. I didn't know what bugged me more, the fact that she had triggered me to ask her where she had been or the fact that I had even noticed she was gone in the first place.
"What? I haven't? You sure?"
I smirked darkly at the memory. It was fucking impossible to predict her response to anything I said or did. Which just pissed me the fuck off. This whole thing would have been a whole lot easier if she was little more constant and didn't change her personality all the fucking time. It was like she suffered from a multiple personality disorder or some shit.
Alice had acted like Swan's bodyguard and gave me shit for even asking. What the hell was her problem anyway? Here I was, trying to be 'nice' and ask Swan where the hell she had been, and people still gave me shit about it. There was no pleasing these people.
I heard an uneven clinking sound come closer and I threw a look over my shoulder.
Speak of the devil and she will appear.
Swan had just rounded a corner of the hallway and was walking away from me. To me, it looked like she was struggling more with her crutches today than she had on Monday. I wondered if it was because of her leg that she had stayed home or because she was too weak to face the ridicule and bullying.
I frowned when I realized she should have been in class and not doing the skipping thing like I did. What was she doing roaming the halls?
She didn't even bother to show up for days and when she finally did, she didn't even go to fucking class. What the hell was that about? What was she even doing here if she didn't intend to go to class? I pushed myself from the wall before walking up behind her with my arms still crossed over my chest.
"I don't fucking get it," I declared. She mustn't have heard me approach because she jumped a little bit when she stopped mid-step. "You're out of school for days, and when you finally come back… you don't even fucking bother to go to class. So what the hell are you even doing here?"
She slowly turned around to face me and her face was oddly blank as she stared back at me. But it was clear that it was all a façade. Her big brown eyes betrayed her. I don't think she knew how much she gave away with just a glance.
"For someone who says he doesn't care, you sure ask a lot of questions," she replied calmly.
I walked right into that one, didn't I? Fuck.
"Well, excuse me for just pointing out the fact that you don't make any fucking sense," I snapped in frustration and she frowned a little.
"Oh, I'm the one who doesn't make any sense? This coming from the guy who keeps bugging the girl he claims he doesn't care about!" she snapped back angrily. I narrowed my eyes and glared at her. Fucking Goose, who the hell did she think she was?
"I don't care," I argued with a huff. "I'm just calling you out on your bullshit."
"My bullshit?" she echoed and I nodded firmly. "You're freaking insane."
"It takes one to know one!" I said with a sing-song voice before I had a chance to stop myself. As soon as the words were out, I wanted to chop my fucking tongue off.
What the hell did I just say?
Her eyes widened at my words, not in surprise or anger, but in amusement. A snort-like sound escaped from her and she quickly covered her mouth without letting go of her crutch. She looked so fucking amused and it pissed me off even more.
"Fuck you!" I snarled.
She stared at me in amazement, but I don't know if it was because of me or something she was thinking about. A million emotions flashed in her eyes as the snorting sound escaped her again. She brought her hand back down from her mouth and steadied herself on her crutches before she bent over and…
Fucking laughed.
She was laughing at me. Fucking laughing. How dare she laugh at me like that? And what the hell was I supposed to do with that?
I tried to glare at her and contain my annoyance, but there was something in her laugh that made it impossible to be truly annoyed. There was something in her laugh that made me want to laugh with her.
Which of course pissed me off even more.
I felt a little puzzled as I watched her shake in laughter. I don't know exactly what I expected her laugh to sound like, but this surely wasn't it. A snorting pig sounding laugh would have made more sense to me than this… this… what the hell was this?
Tanya emerged from one of the nearby bathrooms, and noticing us, she smiled wickedly at me. She didn't hesitate at all before she steered towards us. I didn't pay any attention to her. Instead I kept staring at Swan, letting her do her thing, and when her laugh finally died the hell down, I said the first thing that came to mind.
"You're fucking crazy," I said and meant every word.
Crazy is a relative term after all.
"Oh, but we all knew that already," Tanya replied with a cocky smile. She gave me a – what I assumed was her – seductive look and I cringed inwardly. Her face fell a little when she realized I wasn't going to play her fucking game and she pursed her lips in irritation as she reached Swan.
You know how animals can sense when there is a storm coming? Well, I had the same fucking feeling of dread wash over me as I watched Tanya close in on Swan.
Swan's stance changed, as if she felt it too. It looked like she was preparing for something. I watched as Tanya bumped into Swan as she passed.
We both had seen it coming.
But what neither of us saw coming was what Tanya also did as she pushed Swan – Tanya kicked the back of Swan's good knee and Swan's eyes widened in shock and panic as her leg buckled underneath her. My eyes widened too as I watched the inevitable happen before me.
I couldn't have prevented the crash even if I had wanted to. It all happened too fast – even though as I watched it, it seemed like it was happening in slow motion.
My mind registered every little thing. It registered the panicked expression on Swan's face when she realized what was going on. She met my gaze for a split second and I could almost feel the fear in her eyes. The panic and fear in her eyes intensified when she realized she was still holding on to her crutches, and that she didn't have time to cushion her fall by letting them go.
A soft, yet oddly shrill and unnatural, sound escaped her as her body touched the ground.
Then everything went silent.
Scary fucking silent.
I could hear my fucking heart pounding in my ears as I looked down at Swan's unmoving body. Shit. She didn't even make a sound. I wasn't sure if she was even breathing. Or alive. Shit. What if Tanya killed her?
I shot my eyes to Tanya, who was looking down at Swan too. At least she had the fucking decency to look nervous about it. But that was probably because she was afraid of what punishment she was going to get for this shit. This wasn't like the accident that my friends and family seemed to want to pin on me – this was on fucking purpose. Tanya kicked a crippled girl on fucking purpose.
Who the fuck does that?
"What the hell did you just do?" I snarled at her and she looked at me with frightened eyes.
Yeah, she was fucking frightened alright. Fucking terrified.
"I… I… she's just faking it," she stuttered and touched Swan's leg with the pointy front of her stiletto boots. She pulled her foot back quickly when she realized that Swan wasn't responding. "I mean… she walked into me; you saw it. It's totally not my fault. She like, walked right into me. You saw it! She's a walking accident magnet. Just like when she jumped in front of your car… she jumped in front of me. I didn't have time to stop!"
I couldn't believe what I was fucking hearing. A disturbing snarling sound escaped my throat and I bared my teeth at her slightly, making me look like a fucking growling animal. She took a step back and looked even more terrified.
"Fuck, it was her fault! You saw it!" she whined and I shook my head slowly. She took another step backwards before she turned around and ran away as quickly as her high heels could carry her, effectively leaving me to clean up her fucking mess.
Fuck.
I looked down on Swan who had yet to move. I crouched down beside her and gently touched her arm, trying to get a response out of her. The last thing I needed right now was to get shit for something I wasn't even responsible for.
"Hey, Swan… stop playing around… the bitch is gone now, you can wake up, come on…" I said to her jokingly as I shook her lightly. I could just barely make out her face behind the veil of her hair and she didn't even flinch as I shook her. It was fucking starting to make me nervous.
"Fuck, Swan, come on, you had your fun, get over it already," I snapped. "Attention seeker much?" But not even that got a response out of her.
I chuckled nervously and stopped shaking her; instead I tried with a gentler approach. I touched her arms the way you do when you try to heat someone up, as if that would help. With every second that ticked by that she didn't respond, I grew more and more anxious.
What the hell was I supposed to do if she didn't wake up? Nobody had seen what happened except me and Tanya. And if I knew Tanya at all, I was certain that she would pin this entire mess on me.
I looked down on my hands, which were still touching Swan, and my eyes widened in shock.
There was blood fucking everywhere…
My hands were covered in blood because she was covered in blood. My breathing became shallow and I squeezed my eyes shut. This wasn't happening. I was just having another nightmare. I just needed to wake up because this wasn't fucking happening.
My heart was trying to pound its way out of my chest and I felt myself lose it. Fuck.
I slowly opened my eyes, still finding myself in the empty hallway and looked down at the unconscious girl in front of me.
The blood was gone.
I sighed in relief, but the feeling didn't last. The blood might be gone, but she was still fucking unconscious. This was my fault. If I hadn't stopped her in the hallway and bugged her again, she wouldn't be laying here right now.
Why wasn't she waking up? How much damage could that fall have done anyway? People trip and fall every single day and they never pass out. So what the hell was her deal?
I wanted to be fucking angry at her for putting me through this shit again, but as I looked down at her, I didn't see that ridiculous Goose that was nothing but a waste of space. I saw a broken girl. And I broke her.
I frowned and stroked her hair. It felt silkier than it looked.
"Isabella… come on… just wake the fuck up, please… Isabella… come on..." I pleaded quietly. "It's not funny anymore…" Unsurprisingly, she didn't move or flinch or make a sound. She was as quiet as… well, death. Fuck. "Fuck… fuck… fuck… fuck… fuck…"
I froze when I saw her back lift a little more as she took a deep breath and through her hair I could see her eyes flutter open.
"Shit, Isabella, are you alright? Shit, fuck," I spluttered and kept stroking her arm with my one hand as I tried to remove the hair that hid her face with the other. She had yet to say anything or move. All she did was look at me. "Isabella, c'mon, this isn't fucking funny. Talk to me, damnit…" She coughed and I took a sharp intake of breath in relief. "You're fucking insane, you know that?" I tried to snap at her, but my voice came out shaky and fucking pussylike.
"Sorry," she said with a weak and hoarse voice. I winced at the sound and it twisted something in me in a weird way.
"Fuck, you should be," I agreed. "What the hell were you thinking passing out like that?"
I wasn't even thinking as I spoke. The words came out at their own accord and I didn't know what the hell I was saying. Hell, I didn't even know what I was thinking. The only thought running through my head was: Thank fucking God, she's alive.
"Wh-what?" She sounded confused and I guess that was to be expected.
"You were fucking unconscious for like an hour…" I glanced at my watch that my parents had given me last Christmas and I rolled my eyes at myself. An hour my ass. "…or maybe two minutes. Whatever." What was the fucking difference anyway? She had been fucking unconscious, but she woke up. Time doesn't really matter, it was still fucking disturbing and I had a feeling we weren't out of the damn woods yet either.
I looked down at her and met her gaze. Her brown eyes held more than any teenagers eyes should. My mom would have said she had an old soul, because her eyes were so fucking expressive. She could look through me. I was fucking sure of it, because that was how it felt. She saw something that wasn't supposed to be fucking seen by anybody. Let alone by her.
"Tanya?" she croaked out and it was obvious that the single word alone was hard for her to get out. Fucking Tanya.
"She ran off like the scared little bitch she is when she realized you passed out," I said with a snort. "You think you can stand? I can help you." I held out my hand and expected her to take it, but she didn't even try to move. She just laid there like a clubbed penguin. Now she had to be acting, right? What the hell could be so wrong with her that she couldn't even move? Shit. Maybe the fall made her paralyzed or some shit. But that couldn't be, right? She just fell. No biggie. "Come on, Swan, this isn't funny anymore… quit messing around." I stroked her hair again and she frowned a little. "Please…" the plea escaped me, totally on its own.
"Pain… it hurts so much." Something ached in me at the sound of her broken voice. This wasn't Swan. Swan wasn't supposed to sound so defeated. She wasn't supposed to be broken. She was supposed to talk back and irritate me. She was supposed to be a waste of space. She was supposed to be nothing to me. Nothing but someone to annoy me.
At that moment, something changed.
As she lay there on the floor, looking up at me with those brown eyes, I knew she was not a waste of space. Someone so broken could never be. That thought was fucking disturbing, and it was something I would never admit out loud.
"Oh fuck," I said, grabbing her arms to help her up. I needed to take her to the hospital or something. She wasn't fucking alright and the least I could do was to take her there and get her some help. This wasn't my responsibility, but I couldn't just leave her either.
"WHAT THE FUCKING HELL ARE YOU DOING TO HER?"
I froze instantly at the sound and ever so slowly I turned my head towards Emmett. He stalked over to us and grabbed my arms before pushing me hard against the nearby lockers. He almost knocked the breath out of me, because he pushed so fucking hard. I gave him an irritated look and was just about to defend myself – with my words, not my fists – when he pushed me again. This time I did lose my breath.
He nodded once, as if he was complimenting himself for a job well done, before he crouched down beside Isabella.
"Shit, Isabella, you alright? What did he do? Can you talk? Are you dead?" he chuckled nervously and I wanted to kick his fucking face in.
"She's not fucking dead! Why don't you fucking call Dad or something and I can help her to the fucking car!" I snapped and he gave me a skeptical look.
"You're gonna help her? Yeah right," he snorted as he grabbed her arm. My anger flared when I saw her wince at the touch. Was he a fucking moron or something? Didn't he see that she was in fucking pain? Way to fuel the fucking fire, idiot.
I grabbed Emmett's shoulder roughly and pulled him back.
"Don't. Fucking. Touch. Her," I hissed through clenched teeth.
"And how am I supposed to help her if I can't touch her?" Emmett hissed back, glaring at me as I narrowed my eyes at him in return.
"Just call Dad and tell him we're on our way," I sighed impatiently. I was fucking ready to kick his ass. I didn't even care that this was neither the fucking place nor time for it. Swan needed to get to the hospital and Emmett wasn't helping matters. I stared him down and fortunately for him, he backed down and did as I told him. He pulled out his phone and pushed a few buttons.
I crouched down beside Swan, and she looked back at me with such sad and pained eyes. I frowned a little at the sight. I didn't like this Swan. I liked the strong Swan.
Wait… what?
I didn't like Swan at all.
Neither one of them.
"Okay, you have to tell me what I can do here, alright?" I said to her quietly.
"Just… help me… up…," she said in a weak voice. I looked at her awkwardly and scratched my neck. I had a feeling I wasn't going to be able to help her without hurting her.
"You want… you want me to fucking carry you or some shit?" I asked awkwardly. I could barely make out the movement she did with her head that probably was supposed to come off as a headshake. That was helpful, I thought sarcastically. "Well, you're not much fucking help are you?" I couldn't help but chuckle. I took a deep breath and grabbed her arms gently, but firmly, and helped her up.
I watched her eyes carefully as I helped her up on her feet. Her eyes almost rolled up into her head and she leaned against me as she tried to recover. Her hair was in my face and I was overwhelmed with the sweet smell of fucking strawberries. I put an arm around her waist and held her so she could get her footing back.
Emmett kept looking at us, as if he thought I was going to kill her or something, while he spoke to Dad on the phone. When he hung up, he looked at Swan and ignored my presence completely.
"I can carry you to the car. You don't look so good right now and we'll get to the car faster if I carry you," he said to her and for some reason that annoyed me.
Why was he trying to protect her? If he was going to be her new bodyguard, like Alice, then he should have been there for her before Tanya got a chance to hurt her. He couldn't act like her bodyguard only when he saw fit. I was helping her, because I was fucking there when it happened, and I would be damned if I let him take credit for it. My grip around her waist tightened instinctively at the thought.
Swan nodded and the movement seemed to make her dizzy because she immediately swayed. I reluctantly let her go when Emmett put his arms around her and lifted her up.
"The least fucking thing you can do is take the crutches," he all but spat at me.
Emmett was walking on my last fucking nerve, and if he didn't shut the hell up already, I was going to kick his fucking ass. I picked up the crutches from the floor and followed them out. I kept my eyes on Emmett's back at all times, so I was ready to intervene if the bastard did anything to cause her any distress. But of course he didn't. He took her to the car without any uncomfortable sound escaping from her.
Good for him, I thought to myself sarcastically. Emmett saves the fucking day.
I opened the door to the backseat and threw in the crutches before I moved to climb in myself.
"And where the hell do you think you're going?" Emmett asked me and I rolled my eyes.
"I have a feeling Dad might wanna know what happened, and I am the only fucking one who can tell him. I have a feeling Swan isn't in fucking condition to tell the tale," I replied with a collected tone even though I was anything but collected on the inside.
"Yeah? Then why do I get the feeling that the only reason you want to go is to make sure she doesn't rat you out!" Emmett replied and stared at me like he was protecting his baby cub from getting attacked by some predator. Me being the predator and the cub being Swan.
If he only knew what the hell he was talking about.
"Because she wouldn't," I replied confidently and climbed in the car and shut the door behind me. Emmett sighed as he buckled Swan up and I turned my gaze away. I tried to act nonchalant, like I couldn't care less about how he treated her with so much care.
"Whatever he did, don't be afraid to tell my dad, okay? You don't need to protect his ass," he said quietly to her and he was fucking lucky I was sitting in the back seat, because that comment alone would have made me punch him. This was not my fucking fault.
"He was protecting mine," she whispered almost too quiet to hear and I saw how Emmett frowned.
"Isabella? Bella? You okay? Bella?" he asked and shook her a little. The frantic tone in his voice twisted that something that was already twisted in my gut.
"What the hell is wrong?" I asked and leaned forward in my seat.
"She's fucking unconscious, that's what's wrong," he replied with an almost hysteric tone. "What the hell did you do to her?"
"I didn't do anything, but that doesn't fucking matter! Get in the car already!" I snapped.
He huffed and slammed her door before quickly walking around the car to the driver's side and got in behind the wheel. The drive to the hospital didn't take long, since Emmett showed no respect for the speed limit. Dad was already waiting for us, along with a nurse, when we reached the parking lot. We climbed out of the car and Emmett picked up Swan from her seat and closed the door with his foot.
"What happened?" Dad asked and his eyes immediately went to me.
"Not my fucking fault this time," I said defensively.
"Why do I find that hard to believe?" he replied sourly. I bit my tongue in order to not let any words slip out that I couldn't take back and followed them inside instead.
Swan was brought into an examination room and neither Emmet nor I was allowed to follow. We had to wait in the waiting area while they did whatever had to be done. I was slouching in my seat and my right leg bounced restlessly on the floor as we waited for Dad or someone to come and tell us how she was.
"What the fuck are you even doing here? It's not like you care," Emmett snorted from beside me.
"I didn't do anything!" I argued and he scoffed.
"Yeah right, like you haven't spent all your fucking time talking shit about her ever since it happened. I'm sure she just fell and passed out all on her own," he said sarcastically.
"She didn't just fell; Tanya pushed her. Okay?" I snapped and shot my eyes to him.
He met my gaze for a moment before bursting into a humorless and menacing laughter.
"Tanya pushed her? Are you hearing yourself? Tanya might be a bitch and everything, but c'mon! She wasn't even there!" he laughed and I frowned.
"That's because she ran away like a little bitch with her tail between her legs," I replied through clenched teeth.
"I bet she had a tail between her legs today, but I'm sure it wasn't hers," he mocked and I hit his arm with my fist. He shot me an irritated look but didn't hit back. "Fucking idiot," he muttered.
"Takes one to know one," I replied and the snort that followed almost caught in my throat. The words made the whole scene from earlier replay in my mind and I closed my eyes in an attempt to remove it.
Swan's laughter was ringing in my ears… and I was not entirely sure it was in a bad way.
Her laugh had been fucking invigorating. She laughed in a way that made you think that everything would be okay. It was light and carefree and fucking… pure. She didn't laugh like all those fake bitches at school who only laughed because they thought they needed to, because they thought they needed to prove something. The way Swan had laughed made it obvious that she meant it. She didn't care if anybody was laughing with her, because she laughed for her own sake. Not someone else's.
But why would she laugh like that after everything that happened? That made no fucking sense whatsoever. She had no fucking reason to laugh at all, especially not because of something I've said. Yet, she did.
Dad came into the waiting room and he raised an eyebrow at me, before turning to Emmett.
"Her father's not here yet?" he asked. Emmett shook his head.
"Haven't seen him. I'm sure he's on his way," Emmett replied. "So… how is she?" he asked tentatively. Dad shot his eyes quickly to me before looking back at Emmett to answer.
"She's semi-conscious and I think that it was the strain on her leg that made her pass out," he sighed and turned to glare at me fully. "I want you to wait in my office, Edward. I have a feeling her father might want to talk to you when he gets here."
"I didn't do anything!" I said exasperatedly. "It was Tanya!"
Dad gave me a look that clearly said that he was beyond listening to any of my explanations, no matter how true they were. He was going to believe whatever it was he wanted to believe.
"My office, now," was all he said and I reluctantly left my chair. "Emmett, you can go home and tell your mother what happened. Edward will stay here with me until I get off my shift."
Emmett nodded and left, while I was forced to follow Dad to his office. Dad closed the door behind us and motioned for me to sit down as he walked around his desk and sat down in his chair. He leaned forward and clasped his hands on his desk.
"Mind telling me what happened?" he asked in his doctor voice and I sighed.
"I was talking to Swan then that bitch Tanya showed up and pushed her. Swan passed the hell out and Tanya ran away. End of story." I sighed as I silently wondered why I even fucking bothered. He was not going to believe me anyway. He tilted his head a little to the side and studied me for what felt like an eternity before he replied.
"You didn't do this?" he asked for clarification and I shook my head.
"No, sir, I did not," I replied calmly.
He sighed deeply and opened the file that lay on his desk and flipped through it.
"What were you two talking about?" he asked without looking at me.
"Nothing…" I replied slowly. He looked up at me and quirked an eyebrow.
"Do I need to ask again?" he asked patiently. I sighed and rolled my eyes.
"Fine!" I snapped. "I asked her what the hell she was doing roaming the halls during class. I asked her why the hell she bothered to come back at all if she wasn't going to class anyway. Happy?"
His patient expression was immediately replaced by irritation and anger.
"No, I'm not happy," he replied, irritation lacing his tone. "I asked you to leave the poor girl alone. I don't understand why that is such a difficult task for you. You are not helping her by treating her like dirt." He sighed deeply and leaned back in his chair. "Are you happy, Edward? Do you like hurting her? She's been through enough, the last thing she needs right now is you giving her a hard time because you think she's to blame for ruining your car."
"I'M NOT BLAMING HER!" I yelled and pushed my chair back violently as stood up.
He flinched in surprise at my outburst and I swear I saw a small smile tugging at his lips before he collected himself and looked at me sternly.
"Of course you don't," he replied coolly. "Then why is it so hard for you to leave her alone?"
I opened my mouth to spew out some profanities at him before answering. But neither profanities nor a fucking answer came out. I had no fucking answer, and judging by the look on his face, he knew that too. He chuckled humorlessly to himself and closed the file on his desk.
"I have to go and check on the girl and you're staying here until I get back, alright?" he said and I didn't even bother to respond since there was no point in trying to argue with him. I would get an update on her condition quicker if I stayed, anyway.
I shook my head at myself, trying to make sense of the way my mind was working right now. Why did I care how she was doing? I got her to the hospital. She was taken care of. End of story. But still I found myself wanting to know what the hell was wrong, what had made her pass out in the first place. I felt all defensive about the whole thing and about her.
If I was freaking out before, it was nothing compared to what I was doing now.
Maybe I just wanted to make sure she wasn't going to pull a similar stunt like she did last time? I frowned at my own thoughts and sighed.
Yeah, like that was the reason why I didn't mind staying. I wasn't afraid of her lying about what happened. She was not going to rat me out for something I didn't do. How I knew this, I'm not sure, I just knew that she wouldn't. Call it intuition or whatever.
I sat back down in the chair and my foot began tapping restlessly on the floor almost instantly. I was fucking restless and I wasn't really looking forward to seeing Chief Swan again. I'd had enough encounters with him in the past couple of weeks to last a lifetime.
I stared at the clock above the door, willing it to go faster. I almost put myself into some sort of weird trance by staring at it for so long, and I jumped high when my phone suddenly buzzed in my pocket.
I blinked a few times and tried to get myself together before pulling out the phone. I held back a groan when I saw Alice's name blinking on the screen.
"What do you want, Alice?" I asked without greeting her.
"What the hell did you do?" she snapped loudly and I had to hold the phone away from my ear to prevent her from damaging my hearing. I opened my mouth to reply, but she didn't let me. "Jasper told me he saw Emmett and you carry an unconscious Isabella to Emmett's car, and I just overheard Lauren and Tanya talking about it in the line to the cafeteria. Tanya said she saw you hit Isabella! She said you knocked her unconscious! What the hell are you doing, Edward?" Her voice was a mixture of pain, anger and sadness. She sounded as if she was on the verge of tears and the desperation and frustration she felt over the situation rang clearly in her tone.
"I didn't do anything," I replied quietly. I didn't feel like explaining it for, what felt like, the fiftieth time since it happened. I had done nothing, and that was the big fucking problem. I should have knocked Tanya unconscious for doing that to Isabel- Swan.
"So what happened?" she asked exasperatedly. I didn't feel like explaining it again. I was tired of this shit.
"Does it even matter?" I snapped, feeling beyond frustrated. "She was knocked fucking unconscious so Emmett and I brought her to the hospital. Emmett went home and I'm still stuck here. End of fucking story."
"Edward, I promise you that if you did anything to hurt her on purpose… I'm seriously gonna reconsider our friendship," she said gravely.
"Thanks, Alice, that was exactly what I needed to hear right now," I said sarcastically before I hung up on her. I stood up from my chair and turned the phone off altogether before putting it back in my pocket. I started pacing back and forth and dragged my hands through my hair.
Alice always had my back, she told me so herself, but if she was willing to give up our friendship because of some rumor, then she obviously wasn't worth my time. She obviously didn't know me at all. None of them did.
I walked over to the window and peered out. Gloomy-looking Forks was looking back at me. The dark clouds in the sky mocked me with their presence making me feel even worse.
I turned back around and my eyes swept over the room. My eyes caught sight of the file that Dad had been looking in earlier and, since I was bored, I took a step forward and picked it up. I guess I shouldn't have been surprised when I saw the name written on it.
Isabella Marie Swan.
So her middle name was Marie? She didn't look like a Marie to me.
I didn't even think when I started to flip through the file. I immediately recognized my dad's handwriting on most of the documents.
"… shows clear suicidal tendencies. Though, at this point, it would make more harm than good to put her under psychiatric care…."
"… in my professional opinion, I doubt the scars are self-inflicted. They are too deep and cut in a way that would have made it awkward, or near impossible, for her to have inflicted them herself…"
"… Dwyer's notes, from when she was admitted, are diffuse at best. I get no clear view of what really happened or how he proceeded with her care…"
I knew I shouldn't have been snooping around like that. I might even have committed a crime for even looking at the file, but I couldn't help it. I was confused as all hell and I wanted answers… but I got no answers, instead I grew more confused the more I read.
Confused and… frustrated. There was nothing in this life that frustrated me more than when I came across something I didn't understand. Like this. Nothing in Swan's file made sense to me. I didn't understand any of it. And there was a single word that kept popping up on almost all of the pages.
Suicidal.
Over and over again, as if Dad would get a dollar every time he mentioned it.
Swan was suicidal.
I got it.
What I didn't get, however, was why she was suicidal and what was up with those scars he mentioned. Suicidal people cut themselves, right? And if they weren't self-inflicted; who the hell cut her? It made no fucking sense.
I wonder how much Dad would hate me if I asked her myself.
Someone cleared their throat and it brought me from my musing as I snapped my eyes up. Dad was standing in the open door, his face clearly showing that he was barely containing his anger.
"Put. That. Down," he said slowly, putting emphasis on each word. I dropped the file quickly, as if I had burned myself, and he stepped over to the desk and picked it up. "You have no business looking through my files. Do you want to get me fired?" he asked furiously.
"Sorry," I muttered.
"Your apologies doesn't count for much right now, son," he replied with a sigh. "Chief Swan just got here, and we had a quick talk. You're coming with me and your mother to the station tomorrow."
"You're fucking joking," I snorted. "What are we supposed to do there? Is he going to lock us up or some shit?"
"No, but he is considering getting a restraining order against you and that is plenty," he replied.
"You're fucking joking," I said, gaping at him in disbelief.
"I wish I was," he replied solemnly. "He doesn't think his daughter is safe around you. Although I might think a restraining order is a little extreme, I still am inclined to agree with him on this one. You won't leave the poor girl alone, so he has to resort to this."
"A restraining order… what the hell for anyway? I didn't even do anything," I argued and threw out my arms in a frustrated gesture.
"He doesn't think she's safe when you're around," he repeated. "You refuse to leave the poor girl alone and you are not just hurting her mentally; you're also hurting her physically. The Chief is actually worried you might end up killing her."
"Killing her? Are you fucking kidding me? I'm not a murderer!" I snapped.
"I'm just letting you know what he told me. Don't shoot the messenger," he replied with his ridiculous calm and collected tone.
"I didn't do anything… it was all fucking Tanya's fault," I muttered. For some reason, that made a smile tug at his lips and I quirked an eyebrow at him as a silent question.
"Yes, Isabella might have said something along those lines too," he admitted.
"She's awake? Why the fuck didn't you tell me?" I asked, feeling slightly irritated.
"Because it's none of your business? She's no friend of yours, correct? I didn't think you would care," he said, and at that point, I was sure he was fucking mocking me. He chuckled and shook his head. "I'm going to go finish up with Isabella, then we'll go home. You can go wait in the waiting area; I'm not comfortable leaving you alone in my office again."
I snorted as I followed him out.
So I was getting a restraining order put against me for something I didn't even do?
A restraining order which will keep me away from Swan.
Why did the thought of that bug me so much?
It's not like I wanted to be near her, but that didn't mean I wanted to be forbidden to come near her either. If the Chief decided to go through with it, then how were we supposed to finish our project in biology?
Right, Cullen, like you care so much about that stupid project…
I huffed to myself as I plopped down on one of the chairs in the waiting room.
I would rather think it was about the project than think it was about something else.
Swan meant nothing to me. Nothing.
x x x x x
I sat up in my bed and threw the covers aside. The clock on my nightstand told me it was 02:43 am and I was still fucking awake. I had been trying to fall asleep for over three hours and I was getting tired of trying. I was tired yet wide awake at the same time.
My head was still spinning from yesterday's events and my mind kept going back to Swan and her file. I couldn't get her out of my fucking head.
I had a talk with Mom and Dad when I got home. They told me that they had been discussing the option of sending me to live with a few relatives in Chicago for a while, at least until this whole mess had blown over. Mom cried as Dad explained it all to me and I didn't even register what he was saying. All I could think about was that my life was in fucking ruins all around me, and there was no-fucking-thing I could do about it.
First a potential restraining order and now this, maybe having to move to Chicago.
But I didn't have that restraining order against me yet, and I hadn't moved yet either, so they couldn't keep me from doing whatever I wanted right now. In the middle of the night. On a Thursday.
How's that brain working out for you, Cullen?
I grabbed a pair of jeans from the floor and pulled them on, before grabbing the first t-shirt I saw and pulled it on as well. I put on my sneakers and grabbed my jacket before leaving the room. I quietly made my way downstairs. I carefully avoided the second to last step, since it was the one that always creaked, as I descended the stairs.
I walked through the quiet house and towards the garage. I turned on the lights and closed the door behind me. I looked around the large space and spotted my bike leaning against the wall in the back.
I never got any use out of my bike anymore, since I had my car, and I never thought I would use it again. I had even considered selling it, but it turned out to be a good thing that I kept it. I guess I could have stolen Dad's or Emmett's car keys, but I didn't feel like driving. Besides, a car would make too much noise.
I stepped over to my bike and brushed off the dust that had settled on the seat and the handlebars. I checked if the light worked and I sighed in relief when I found that it did. I led it to the garage door. Once again, I had to be careful not to make any noise as I opened the door and took my bike outside. I silently closed the door behind me before getting up on my bike.
I looked up at the dark house to make sure that no lights had been turned on, at the off chance that someone in my family had woken up. They had no reason to be awake at this hour, and I had left the house almost totally soundlessly. But still, I couldn't help but be a little paranoid. Mom and Dad would freak if they caught me, and I would be fucked.
I glanced at the house one last time, before pushing the bike forward to gain some speed, and quickly moved away from the house towards the dark driveway.
It was fucking freezing outside and the cold air was practically slapping me in my face as I raced down the windy driveway to the main road. It only got worse from there.
I should have brought a thicker sweater.
I didn't know where the hell I was heading. Or maybe I did. I felt like I was a man on a mission. I wasn't really surprised at where I ended up. I needed to get all these questions out of my head before I would ever be able to fall asleep again.
I needed to fucking talk to her… or to see her at least…
Obsessed much, Cullen?
It took me forever to reach the hospital, and I was fucking exhausted when I got there. Who knew biking was so freaking exhausting? I didn't bother to lock my bike before I entered the hospital. Who the hell was going to steal the thing anyway?
It was eerie to walk into the hospital at night. It was quiet and there was not a soul in sight. Which was pretty fucking lucky, since that meant I could get into her room without getting caught.
Since I already knew which room she was in, it made this whole sneaking thing a lot easier. I decided to take the stairs, instead of the elevator, to the third floor. I moved stealthily - I would even have given Jasper a run for his money - towards the room. I was careful not to make a noise, while at the same time trying to not look too suspicious, because if I got caught it would be better if I acted like I had every right to be there than to look like a deer caught in the headlights.
Luckily for me, Swan's room was not far from the stairs, so I didn't need to play ninja for too long. The door was ajar so I pushed it open gently and slid inside before closing it quietly behind me.
I'm not going to wake her up… I'm just going to see her…
The room was just barely lit up by the moon and the streetlights from outside. I glanced at the bed and saw her. Swan and her face were illuminated by the moon. Her brown hair almost looked black and her skin was pale white.
I took another step forward, to get a better look at her, when she suddenly opened her eyes and stared right at me. My heart caught in my throat and I jumped in surprise, as her eyes widened in shock.
"I didn't lie!" she sputtered quickly. "I told your dad the truth!"
"What?" I asked, feeling too surprised by the random outburst that I didn't even register what she was saying.
"I told him what happened, that you didn't do it… please… don't hurt me," she pleaded.
Realization dawned on me and I felt like such an idiot. Of course she would think I was here to hurt her, because I got in trouble for what happened. She thought that I thought she had ratted me out.
"That's not why I'm here," I sighed as I walked around the bed and sat down in one of the chairs by the window. She followed my every movement with her eyes.
"Then why are you here?" she asked. It was then I realized her words were a little slurred, and I couldn't help but smirk. She was fucking high.
"I have two questions," I said and she raised an eyebrow at me. "One, what have they given you? And two, are you sharing?" She looked at me weird before a snorting sound escaped her.
"You're an idiot," she said and I chuckled humorlessly.
"So I've heard," I replied coolly.
We stared at each other for a moment and I could see that her medicated brain was trying to process the situation she suddenly found herself in. It didn't look like it was doing a good job, and I couldn't fucking blame her. It didn't make sense to me either as to why the hell I was even there in the first place.
"Why are you here?" she asked again.
"I couldn't sleep," I replied honestly and slouched lower in the chair.
"You're here… because you can't sleep? So you figured that 'hey, if I can't sleep, then neither can the Goose,'" she replied skeptically, and I winced a little at hearing her refer to herself as the Goose. It sounded so much worse when she did it than when I did. I didn't have an answer for her, and she sighed and shook her head. "You told me a million times that you don't care about me and that I mean nothing to you. I'm a waste of space and I'm better off dead, right? But still you come up to me at school, asking me where I've been for the past two days… then you give me shit for even being there in the first place, just because I happened to be in the hallway during class… what's your damage, Edward? Why can't you just leave me alone?" she asked with a sad, yet frustrated, tone. She sounded so tired and defeated.
No longer the strong Swan.
I couldn't bear to look at her when I answered. Instead, I looked down on my dirty, untied sneakers, and fiddled nervously with the hem of my jacket.
"Because it fucking meant something, alright?" I muttered without looking up.
She sighed in exasperation and I saw, from the corner of my eye, how she turned her head and looked up at the ceiling.
"Do you know why I like you, Edward?" she asked and the weird question made me look up and raise a skeptical eyebrow at her.
"Like me? You don't like me," I argued skeptically.
"Yeah," she laughed lazily. "I don't like you. I just meant that I like the fact that you're the only constant in my life."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"It means that… people change, all the time, for no good reason… they love you, then they stab you… they hate you, then they wanna help you… but you, Edward… you're the same all the time. And I like that. It's nice having something constant to hold on to… even if it means being called a bird's name every now and again… it's the constant things in your life that keep you sane," she smiled sadly to herself and sighed deeply before continuing. "You didn't let the accident change you… and I think that's a good thing."
I pondered this for a moment. Of all the people in my life, she turned out to be the only one who agreed with me. People expected me to change because, according to them, that was the 'right' thing to do, no matter how hypocritical it was.
But if I'm not supposed to change… then what the hell am I doing here?
"What about you?" I asked quietly and she turned her head to me.
"What about me?" she echoed.
"Did you change after the accident?"
"I… I don't know… I don't think I did… I didn't change… but all the people around me sure did," she replied. "I'm still the same old Goose. No one important."
I cringed again at the word and I frowned at myself. Why was I being this affected?
"You really believe that?" I asked. "That you're not important?"
She looked at me before she snorted and laughed humorlessly. I didn't like that laugh at all.
"Are you kidding? You, of all people, should know the answer to that… of course I'm not important. I'm a waste of space, remember?" she argued. I left the chair and walked over to the bed. I didn't know why I approached her, I just felt like I needed to be fucking near her and tell her that… tell her what, exactly? That she wasn't a waste of space?
That's what she was after all. A waste of space. The Goose.
I tilted my head to the side, as I noticed that her arms were showing. She was dressed in a short sleeved hospital gown, and as I stared at her forearms, the words that I read in the file echoed back to me.
"… I doubt the scars are self-inflicted. They are too deep and cut in a way that would have made it awkward, or near impossible, for her to have inflicted them herself…"
Were those the scars he was talking about?
"What happened to your arms?" I asked. Her eyes widened and she went for the sleeves, almost on instinct. She looked confused for a split second before she realized she couldn't pull the sleeves down. She crossed her arms over her torso instead, in an attempt to hide them.
"Nothing," she muttered.
"Didn't look like nothing to me," I said casually.
She glared at me and I just stared back at her blankly.
"My father is going to kill you when he finds out you were here," she said.
"I think my own father will beat him to the punch…" I replied with a shaking of my head.
Her gaze softened a little bit and I once again noticed that old soul look in her eyes.
"Why are you here, Edward?" she whispered and I knew that I had to give her an answer this time. I couldn't fucking joke around the issue any longer.
I needed to give her an answer because I needed to hear it for myself too.
I thought about my family and friends and about all the things they had said. They all said I was in fucking denial. That one of these days I would realize exactly what I was doing, and then I would crack and break down like a fucking house of cards.
I didn't want their words to be true. They couldn't be true.
I'm Edward fucking Cullen. I didn't give a damn about Isabella Swan. I didn't care about any of this shit…
Then why were you here?
I felt something crack inside me. It was too fucking much. The accident. All the fucking pressure… and now this. I couldn't fucking lie to myself anymore. They had been right all along. I was going to break down, and it was going to be ugly.
"Because I fucking changed…" I whispered back. I didn't even care that I sounded like a fucking pansy. I was beyond caring at that point.
Why did I choose to break down here? Why with her of all people?
I didn't even know her and she sure as hell didn't know me.
She grabbed my hand and gave it a light squeeze. I looked down at our joined hands in surprise, before looking back up at her. She smiled at me sadly.
The look in her eyes, along with the words that were soon to be uttered by her, answered the question of why I was here. I didn't know why, or how, but I realized that Swan understood me in a way that nobody else ever could. How was that even possible? She didn't even know me.
"That is okay," she whispered, almost too quiet for me to even make out the words.
"I'm not constant," I whispered, and her smile grew a little.
"That's okay too," she whispered back with a low chuckle.
I looked into her dark eyes and couldn't help but smile crookedly in return.