Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, I just play with them. This story is rated M, and is not suitable for younger readers. Story contains violence, coarse language and sexual "situations". Please do not read if any of these things offends you.
Note: [Beta'ed by: adt216]
Chapter 25 – "Damnsgiving"
Edward Cullen POV
I adjusted my black tie and frowned at my reflection in the mirror.
I looked like a fucking joke, a damn penguin for God's sake.
I hated to be dressed to the nines. All for some fancy-schmancy dinner in Port Angeles. Granted, it was Thanksgiving. But come on already, what the hell was wrong with a simple pair of jeans and a t-shirt? Sure, I could have thrown a clean button-up shirt over it if my t-shirt had a too offensive print on it, if that would have made it more acceptable. So was it really necessary for me to wear a damn suit?
I took a step back and gave myself an once-over. I shook my head as I began pulling at the tie to remove it. I was going open collar to this shindig. I was not wearing a goddamn tie. I undid the tie and threw it on my bed, before unbuttoning the two top buttons of my shirt.
I dragged my hands through my hair and studied my reflection.
Yeah, that will do.
I made my way downstairs. I found Dad fidgeting in front of the mirror in the hall. He was muttering under his breath as he tried to adjust his own tie. The sight almost made me smirk. I guess I wasn't the only one hating on the tie.
He met my gaze through the mirror and sighed.
"I see you disregarded your mom's wishes for us to wear the ties she bought us," he noted, and I shrugged lazily in response. He sighed again and shook his head before turning towards me. "I don't want a scene tonight, Edward, so please try to behave."
"What? You're saying I don't always act like a goddamn saint?" I replied sarcastically.
"Edward," he chided, giving me a pointed, yet tired, look. "Don't embarrass us tonight, alright? Try to act like an adult for once."
I snorted and turned to walk into the kitchen. I grabbed a glass from the cupboard and filled it with cold water. My hands were basically shaking and I had a hard time trying to keep them still. I knew I had to get my damn temper under control, but Dad wasn't really helping by making stupid comments like that. What the hell did he think I would do?
Jump on the table and fuck the turkey?
No thank you, I don't do birds.
I put the glass down, grabbing the edge of the counter and taking a step back. I stretched my back and groaned before straightening up again. I looked through the window above the sink. The window faced the backyard, and I could see a few pigeons eating away at the super-fancy birdhouse that Mom had designed and built herself.
Pigeons…
Turkey…
Swan.
Damnit.
I groaned to myself as I turned away from the window. I covered my face with my hands, massaging my closed eyes with the heels of my hands.
No matter what I did, no matter what I said, everything always came back to her. I couldn't even look out the goddamn window without thinking about her. That wasn't normal. That wasn't sane.
Another thing that was neither normal nor sane was to think that you had a guardian angel looking out for you, which is something I was convinced I had. I was fucking sure of it.
How else could I explain how I managed to wake up no more than two minutes before Chief Swan stomped into the room when I visited Swan at the hospital?
I smiled humorlessly at myself as I dragged my hands down my face, almost as if I wanted to rip it off, before letting them fall down to my sides.
I remembered that I had woken up feeling confused, having no idea where the hell I was or why the hell my entire body was stiff and hurting.
It had taken me a moment to realize I had fallen asleep in the chair in Swan's room at the hospital. I still couldn't believe that actually happened; I really hadn't meant to do that. I had figured I would just stay there for a while, just to relax or some shit. I never intended to actually fall asleep and spend the fucking night.
Another thing I never intended to do? Eavesdropping while I was hiding in the closet.
The conversation had been a private one, between a father and his daughter, and it was never intended for anyone else to hear. He even closed the damn door to keep the people outside from hearing what was said. I still hadn't decided if it was a good or a bad thing that I had overheard their cryptic exchange.
I didn't really know what the hell to make of what I had overheard, but one thing was for certain: Chief Swan was a fucking ass-hat. Yeah, that might not have been news to me, but I had always thought he had reserved that side of him just for me and not his own flesh and blood. What the fuck was his problem, anyway? So far I had always gotten the impression that he did what he did, no matter how stupid it was, just for the sake of his daughter. But now I doubted it, considering the conversation they had. He was just acting the role of the perfect, over protective father, when in reality he was probably just protecting his own ass for God knows what reason.
It was clear as fucking day - even to me who had been standing in that damn closet trying to breathe as quietly as possible and not make any noise – that Swan's health and wellbeing were not high priorities to him. His priority was to make people think that it was, and that was a completely different thing.
He had prepared some guestroom for her, and even though it was obvious that she didn't want to stay there, he still insisted she would. If she had been my daughter, I would have given her every single thing she asked for. Hell, I would have carried her up those goddamn stairs myself if that were the case.
He said he did it with her best interest in mind, but I would have begged to disagree. What was in her best interest was for him to listen to whatever the hell she wanted and make it happen.
Not ignoring her wishes just because it was more convenient for him.
"What's in my best interest is to not be treated like a child. I can take care of myself."
If that wasn't the truth, I didn't know what was.
"…as for the no-good-boy Cullen… I told you, he didn't do anything! He helped me! Why can't you listen to what I'm telling you? Why is it so hard for you to believe me?"
Her words still lingered in my mind and it stirred something in me. This was not the first time she had defended me like that, and I didn't understand it. Why did she go out of her way to make people change their minds about me? Why did it matter to her what people thought about me? What difference did it make for her if her dad believed I was a tool that deserved no better fate than to get locked up for life?
Why was it so important for her to make me out to be the good guy in all this? When in reality I was nowhere near that. Even I knew that.
At least there was one thing that the jerk-face had gotten right, and that was that trust is something you earn, though I had almost wanted to snort when he said that; I probably would have if it wouldn't have given me away.
Swan asked him what she had done to not deserve his trust, and I had found myself feeling kind of curious about the answer. What the hell could someone as innocent and meaningless as Swan ever do to lose someone's trust? She was too pathetic and weak to ever do something wrong, especially if that meant hurting someone else.
But apparently, there was one thing.
She could try to kill herself.
I still had a hard time believing it after reading it in her file, but hearing them talk about it made it even more unbelievable.
It felt as if I was being pulled into her dark little world, bit by bit, every time I saw her, even though it would have been so easy for me to just ignore her and move the fuck on already, especially since our parents didn't want us to see each other. Still, there was something that kept pushing me towards her. Something I didn't understand. And I had a feeling that I didn't want to fucking understand it either.
Being drawn to the Goose could not be a good thing. Ever.
I hadn't even fucking bothered to be all sneaky when I had entered the house that morning when I had come home from the hospital. There was no fucking use, and I didn't care if I got caught.
I had found myself face to face with Dad as soon as I stepped through the door. He had already been all dressed up in his doctor gear. I guess I should have considered myself lucky that he hadn't gone to work earlier, because bumping into him at the hospital would not have ended well.
"Care to tell me where you spent the night?" he had asked me, as he adjusted the collar of his shirt. He hadn't sounded angry; he had sounded merely curious.
"With a girl," I had replied with a shrug.
He had quirked an eyebrow at me, studying me for a moment, probably trying to figure out whether or not I was telling the truth. I had been, technically. I had spent the night with a girl, just not in the way he had probably been thinking.
"A girl, you say?" he had scoffed lightly, almost sounding amused. "Usually when you spend the night with a girl, you always come home before five in the morning… you never spend the entire night with a girl. She must be a special one if she managed to keep you this long."
I snorted at the memory and looked down at my fancy, shiny, and ridiculously uncomfortable shoes. I sighed and shook my head at myself.
Special. Yeah, Swan was special alright, just not in the way Dad had suggested with his comment.
At least I had managed to realize a few things by sleeping at the hospital and by overhearing that private conversation. It made me understand Swan better, but for what purpose did I need to understand her better? Hell, if I knew. But there was something about her that I just couldn't let go. I needed to figure her shit out.
She was like that TV show Lost. Every time you watched it, you were left with more questions than answers, questions that whirled out of control in your head and slowly drove you mad. But you kept watching in hopes of figuring the shit out, and maybe – finally – understanding what the hell that black smoke monster was.
Maybe it was a fucking polar bear in a penguin suit.
Or a freaky pigeon… in a penguin suit.
My entire body had been stiff as a fucking board and my neck had been sore for days after sleeping in that damn chair all night. Still, I couldn't find it in me to regret it and that bugged the shit out of me.
"Edward? Are you coming? We have to leave now," Dad called out. I pushed myself away from the counter with a sigh and dragged my feet to the hall where my parents were waiting.
Mom smiled at me and I tried to force a smile in return. She was beautiful in a wine-red dress that complemented her hair perfectly. My mom was fucking gorgeous, and why the hell she was with an idiot like Dad, I would never know.
I followed them out to the car and got into the backseat without a word.
We had barely made it to the main road before my mom gasped and put her hand to her mouth. I immediately stiffened in my seat and darted my eyes all over the road in front of us to find the source for her reaction.
"Carlisle, I forgot to bring the flowers," she said and turned to look at my dad.
I stared at the back of her head and narrowed my eyes. My fingers were digging into the seat's upholstery and my fingertips were going numb again.
What the hell was that?
She can't gasp like that just because she forgot the damn flowers. It's not the end of the fucking world.
I huffed and tried to relax, but it was as if my fingers refused to let go of the seat.
Instead of going back to the house, they agreed we would stop by the grocery store, since it would save us some time. Dad offered to go in and pick out a nice bouquet – at least, as nice as they come at a damn grocery store.
Dad had barely put the car in park before I was out the door. Dad didn't question it as I followed him. The less time I had to spend in that damn car, the better.
"Maybe we should pick up something more than just flowers… maybe some chocolate?" Dad said, mostly to himself since I wasn't listening.
There was an even clink-clank sound coming from somewhere in the store and I recognized the sound immediately…
Clink-clank-thump, clink-clank-thump, clink-clank-thump…
I stepped away slowly from my father to follow the sound, frowning as I tried to pinpoint where it was coming from. The sound was a little muffled, and it echoed through the aisles. It didn't take me long to spot the source. After all, it wasn't a big store.
There she was. The ever-present cuckoo bird of my thoughts and dreams.
Dreams as in nightmares, that is.
I watched her from afar and noticed that she wasn't alone. She was walking with a big dark-skinned guy. His hair was cut short, almost to the point of being a buzz-cut, and he kept stealing glances at her.
I cocked my head to the side and studied them as they moved. They hadn't noticed me, and I had a feeling they weren't going to either. I found the way she kept glaring at him funny, especially since he kept smiling awkwardly at her, as if he was trying to smooth something over with her.
She wasn't buying it, and for some reason, that pleased me.
Who the hell was this kid? I didn't recognize him, so he was clearly not from Forks.
He strolled casually down the aisle for frozen goods, and he smiled at her as he said something I couldn't make out. What I could make out, however, was the nod he did towards her leg and the look she gave him afterwards. If looks could kill…
"It was crushed and I can't go on a plane because I'll set off the metal detectors with all the scrap metal I have in my leg. What the hell do you think?" she spat at him, and it was almost as if she had slapped me in the face with her words.
I felt the anger surge throw me like a brewing storm that was just waiting to get out of hand, and I clenched my fists at my side to try to keep it under control.
She's a goddamn actress.
She had told me over and over again that she didn't blame me for what happened, that it was all just a fucking accident and all that shit. She even kept defending me when people said something bad about me.
Yet, here she was, sounding so fucking bitter about the whole thing… how could she not blame me? Everybody else was, so why the hell had I let myself believe that the fucking Goose was any different?
Maybe she hadn't been sleeping when I woke up that morning; maybe she had known all along that I was hiding in that closet. Maybe she was just acting surprised and scared when I came out because… because… because what? Was she trying to get back at me? How exactly would she do that? By getting my family and friends to believe in me again?
Wow, what revenge for crushing your leg, Goose. Maybe you should look into a career as a torturer… you really know how to hurt people. Way to go!
I snorted inwardly at the thought, as I listened to the guy trying to apologize; apparently he noticed he had struck a nerve with whatever he had said that I hadn't heard. "My dad tells me that the guy who did it has been giving you a hard time… you want me to kick his ass for you?" he asked her with a chuckle.
I prepared myself to hear her agree to it; I didn't expect anything less from her now.
I wasn't afraid though. I could take that punk. Easy. He might be bigger than me physically, but I doubted he had ever been in a real fight. I'll show him…
Swan turned to him; her back was to me so I couldn't see her face anymore. I wondered if she was smiling at him, just as she was about to thank him for offering…
"You know nothing about what has been happening, Jacob…" So that was Jacob? I thought she said they weren't friends anymore? Huh, funny, another lie from the bird. "… and don't you dare pretend like you care. Edward is a nice guy… okay, well… that's a freaking lie. He's not a nice guy. But he's a better person than most people I know. He stays true to who he is and he doesn't conform because people expect him to. As a matter of fact, Edward isn't my friend, far from it actually, but he still has treated me a hell of a lot better than someone who I used to call my best friend!"
My anger disappeared, and it dissipated into nothingness. It was as if someone had poked my bubble of anger. The bubble burst, and everything just… washed away. Leaving nothing in its wake but… nothingness. I wasn't angry anymore. I was nothing.
Here she was defending me again. Even though I didn't deserve it. Not even a little bit. She was the only one who was on my side, even though she had no reason to be. She had done nothing but defend me as if her life depended on it, ever since the accident. Yet, I was so quick to jump to conclusions and think that she was just out to get me.
I was no better than the idiots in my life that refused to listen to me and hear me the fuck out.
I frowned and was just about to turn away and leave when something she said made me stop dead in my tracks.
"Hard on you, huh? Screw you, Jacob, you weren't the one who was left for dead that night!" She sounded outraged and relieved all at the same time. As if she had waited forever to get that off her chest.
A movement in the corner of my eye caught my attention, and I realized that I wasn't the only one who had caught the conversation. Dad stepped up to them and Swan slowly turned around. She was pale as a fucking ghost as she gazed back at my dad.
I shuffled my feet awkwardly, moving forward from my hiding place a little. I figured I should leave, this wasn't my business.
Swan looked past my dad and noticed me. She didn't even flinch before looking back at my dad. They exchanged a few pleasantries, before Dad walked away. He shot me a look, and I didn't even need to ask what he was thinking. The look was obviously telling me to follow him, and that if I refused, there would be hell to pay… as if Swan would burst into flames if I came too close.
Jackass.
I glanced back at Swan. For some reason a guilt-like feeling crept up my spine, and I tried to give her an apologetic smile. As if I had to apologize for my earlier doubts and thoughts. As if I ever needed to apologize to the Goose. As if I cared what she thought.
She bit her lip, looking amused as she mirrored my awkward expression. I scoffed as I shook my head, turning away to follow my dad. He threw me a look over his shoulder, as if making sure that I was indeed following him.
"I need to use to the bathroom, why don't you go pick out some fancy box of chocolate," he suggested.
"Fancy chocolate? Yeah, good luck with that," I muttered. He gave me a pointed look, but didn't say anything, before he walked over to the bathrooms that were reserved for customers.
I walked over to the candy aisle and let my eyes wander over the rows and rows of sugary sweetness. Nothing looked even remotely okay to give someone on Thanksgiving.
Clink-clank-thump… clink-clank-thump…
I turned my head just in time to see Swan walk past the aisle. She was holding onto a pint of ice cream while she tried to balance on her crutches at the same time. I wondered where the hell that Jacob punk was and why he wasn't helping her out.
I stepped away from the chocolate and walked up to her instead. She was looking down at the ice cream with a frustrated expression.
She looks like a pissed of duck…
"Brain freeze, Penguin?" I teased.
She snorted quietly. She didn't look up to meet my gaze, but she wasn't ignoring me either.
"You bet," she replied. "I forgot my wallet…"
I didn't even think as I picked up my own wallet from my back pocket and handed her a bill without even checking what it was. For all I knew I might have just handed her a hundred bucks. She looked up and met my gaze; surprise was evident on her face. I smiled crookedly and tried not to get annoyed when she made no motion to grab the bill from me. I sighed quietly and tucked it between her hand and the crutch she was holding.
It was a ten dollar bill. It was nothing.
"I can't take your money," she protested and tried fruitlessly to give it back to me. I smirked as I took a step back and crossed my arms over my chest. She sighed and gave me a tired look.
A tired duck…
"It's Thanksgiving," I replied with a light shrug, like it wasn't a big deal, but it was. Then I realized what the hell I had just done. I just gave her money.
What the hell was wrong with me?
"Thanksgiving means you give thanks, not give money… you must be thinking of Christmas," she snorted and I chuckled lightly. Maybe she wasn't all that dumb after all.
"No, I'm giving thanks by giving you money," I replied with a smile.
"That doesn't make any sense," she argued with a tired voice.
"Does too." I smirked. She raised an eyebrow and looked at me incredulously, as if she couldn't believe I actually used that 'argument.'
"Does not!" she argued again. "Because you have no reason to thank me for anything…"
Her words muddled together into a soundless mess, as I noticed my dad standing ten feet behind her with a furious expression on his face. My smile disappeared in an instant; there was no use in even trying to keep it in place.
He walked up to us, keeping his eyes on me.
"Are you bothering Miss Swan again, Edward? I thought we talked about this." He was furious. That much was obvious. He was barely containing his anger, and it was nothing short of a miracle that he managed to keep his voice as calm as he did.
Swan closed her eyes and her lips moved infinitesimally. I didn't need to be a mind reader to know what the hell she was thinking…
"You okay there, Isabella? You look kind of pale. Did he do something?" His voice held nothing but concern for her, and I was once again reminded of why I should hate her. She was not his daughter. His concern should have been reserved for me.
"I'm fine; he's fine. He was just giving me some cash so I could buy some ice cream," she sighed in response and all blood rushed from my face as soon as the words left her lips. I resisted the urge to punch something. That was the last thing she should have said – and I could see it in her horrified expression that she had realized that too.
There were no words to describe the anger that flashed in my father's face as he turned to look at me.
"Is that so?" His voice was eerily calm, and if I hadn't known that he was a pacifist, I wouldn't have been surprised if he fucking punched me in the face. He was beyond furious.
I shrugged awkwardly in response, I knew better than to open my damn mouth and answer verbally.
I don't want to go to Chicago, I don't want to go to Chicago…
"Well, we should get going. I hope you have a happy Thanksgiving," he said to Swan, before grabbing my arm roughly and dragging me off. "You're giving her money now?" he hissed angrily at me. "Are you trying to pay off your bad conscience? News flash, Edward, you can't buy your way out of this one. You made a mistake, and you will have to live with that. You can't throw money around and think she'll forgive you or that it will go away. The world doesn't work that way."
He dragged me all the way out of the store, and it didn't escape my mom's notice that we came back empty-handed. Dad opened my door and all but threw me inside before slamming the door and stepping over to the driver's side. Mom looked confused and concerned as Dad got in behind the wheel.
"What happened? Didn't you find any flowers?" she asked softly. Dad took a deep calming breath, but the anger was still clear in his face.
"Edward happened, that's what," he muttered. "I guess we'll have to go empty-handed. Hopefully Aro won't see it as a sign of disrespect."
"We still have time to stop by the house and pick up the flowers," Mom said with a reassuring tone. "Don't worry."
The tension in the car after that was palpable, and none of us said anything. When we got to the house, Dad got out before Mom had a chance to unbuckle her seatbelt. He disappeared into the house, and Mom shifted in her seat so she could look at me.
"Sweetie, what happened?" she asked softly, nothing but concern in her voice.
"Swan was there," I mumbled with a deep sigh. "I may or may not have given her some money…" I figured there was no fucking reason to hide it from her, since I rather have her hear the story from me than from my dad. Dad would give her the wrong impression, and I would be in even more trouble.
Mom's expression changed. It was still one of concern but also something else. Confusion? Pity? Disgust?
"Why… why would you give her money?" she asked puzzled, before furrowing her eye brows. "Honey, if this is your way of making-"
"She forgot her fucking wallet, okay?" I snapped, not letting her finish her damn sentence. "I was just trying to be nice. She wanted to buy some fucking ice cream so I handed her a ten dollar bill. I wasn't buying her a damn car for fuck's sake!"
She huffed and shook her head.
"Edward, language," she chided before turning back in her seat, just as Dad emerged from the house with the flowers in a tight grip in his hand. Mom turned her head and glanced at me again, and said in a soft voice, "Sweetie, please stay away from Isabella. Nothing good will come of it. Her father wants you far away from his daughter, please respect that. I understand that you want to make up for the mistakes you've made in the past, but throwing money at her won't help you… nor will it help her. So please, Edward, I beg you, stay away from Isabella Swan."
She gave me one last pleading look before turning back to the front as Dad opened the door and got into the car. He handed her the flowers and turned the key in the ignition. He didn't say anything, but by the way he was holding his hands on the wheel, it was clear he was still furious.
He shot me a glare in the rearview mirror, and I looked away with a scoff. Did he think his glares were scary or something? I couldn't care less about him glaring at me. My biggest concern right now was whether or not he would send me off to Chicago. All else meant nothing to me.
Dad made a left turn at the end of the driveway, and I shot him a look. He didn't even flinch as he met my gaze through the mirror. I gritted my teeth, and I could see a flash of victory in his eyes. Taking this road to the highway, this was his punishment to me.
I tried fruitlessly to swallow the damn lump that was forming in my throat. I didn't know why the hell I was reacting so strongly to this. Why would I care if we took this route? It was just a fucking road. Nothing more.
But the closer we came, the harder I gripped the seat.
Fuck this shit.
It's just a damn road.
It means nothing.
I stopped breathing all together as we passed the point where I had hit the black ice. I could almost feel myself lose control of the car, even though I wasn't even driving…
"LOOK OUT!"
Mom's shout brought me back to reality and kicked me into total panic mode. I stiffened in my seat – as if I could get any tenser than I already was – and looked out on the road in front of us.
Dad stomped on the breaks as a goddamn dog ran out in front of the car.
The car skidded to a stop, and I couldn't hear anything but the pounding of my heart in my ears.
"Wow, that was close," Mom said, bringing her hand to her chest.
"Yes, it was," Dad mumbled in response, he glanced at me in the rearview mirror again. His eyes were anything but angry now; concern was the only evident feeling in his gaze. I stared blankly back at him and he frowned. "Are you okay, son?" he asked softly.
I didn't respond. I turned my gaze away and looked out the window instead.
Dad took a deep breath before stepping on the gas softly, leaving the incident behind us.
I kept my gaze out the window, paying extra attention to the side of the road – in case we got another surprise visit from some animal. I was leaning forward slightly, my hand clutching the seat and my entire body was stiff as a board. At least I was prepared if something was to happen.
Dad kept throwing glances at me, but I ignored every one of them. It didn't escape my notice, though, that he was beginning to look quite concerned. I guess the man wasn't used to me being this damn quiet. He had probably expected me to throw a fit about the damn dog.
"Edward? Edward…?" Mom's soft voice rang out, and I looked up. I met my mom's gaze as she stood by the open car door, holding her hand out. "We're here, sweetie, are you coming? Or do you need a minute?"
I swallowed thickly, and it felt like I was choking on sandpaper. I hadn't even noticed that we were there already, let alone that my parents had both left the car and were now waiting for me to leave it too. I nodded and climbed awkwardly out of the car.
"Are you alright?" Dad asked, frowning in concern.
"Yeah, I'm fine, why wouldn't I be? Let's just get this shit over with already," I replied, my voice cracking and weird. It didn't even feel like the words were coming from me.
"Edward, we can leave right now if that's what you need," he said seriously as he put a hand on my shoulder and squeezed lightly.
"I said I'm fine," I snapped, but my voice still didn't carry the power I was hoping for.
My parents shared a knowing look, which just pissed me off.
"Are we going to stand here all fucking day or are we going to get some stinking turkey?" I spat, finally gaining some power and venom lacing my voice. Dad sighed as he put an arm around Mom's waist.
"Alright then," he sighed.
We made it up to the most impressive house in all of Port Angeles. I kept my head down and my hands in my pockets as my parents made their way through the ridiculous crowd of people. They shook hands with everybody in sight, but nobody as much as looked at me. I guess my stance made it pretty obvious that I wasn't in the mood to be bothered. I didn't care about these people, and I sure as hell didn't want to touch their disgusting hands.
We made it over to the man of the house, Aro. He was a dear friend of my father's, and we had spent many Christmases and Thanksgivings with him and his family.
"Edward, it's so nice to see you again." Aro smiled at me in greeting. "I hear you've had a rough month…" I scoffed in response and shuffled my feet as I looked around the room at anything but him. I saw in the corner of my eye how he raised both his eyebrows, his smile never faltering, making him look like he was messing with me. I knew that he wasn't though; this was just how he was; always smiling and looking creepy. When he realized he wasn't going to get any more out of me than a scoff, he turned back to my parents. "So where is the big one? I was looking forward to hear about Emmett's plans for college."
"Emmett is spending Thanksgiving with his girlfriend's family in Vermont this year," Dad explained. They walked away into the big living room, still talking about Emmett and stupid Vermont, while I stayed behind. I sighed deeply and dug my hands deeper into the pockets of my dress pants as if I could disappear if my hands got in deep enough.
The guests around me started to annoy me with their stupid laughter, making them sound like retarded hyenas, so I decided to hide out in one of the bedrooms upstairs. Nobody was allowed upstairs, so there was no reason for anyone to come looking for me there.
I knew this house well. I knew exactly which rooms belonged to whom, so I strode over without any hesitation to the blue guest bedroom that was facing the street. Why it was called the Blue Room was pretty fucking obvious. It was decorated all in blue. From floor to ceiling, everything was blue. The only thing that wasn't blue was the furniture, but that fact was made up for by the countless other blue items. It was ridiculous; it was as if a bunch of Smurfs had a party in there and puked all over the place.
I closed the door behind me and walked over to the bed. I plopped down on it unceremoniously and dragged my hands through my hair. It wasn't until then that I realized they were shaking.
I held out my hands in front of my face and stared at them as they shook like I was having a fucking seizure or some shit.
I tried to calm myself down, but it was a fucking waste. I groaned and stood up abruptly from the bed. I started pacing back and forth in the room, trying to pull myself together, but it only got worse. The feeling of panic that I had felt in the car was creeping back up, and I felt fucking nauseous.
I tried to breathe calmly through the panic, but it was fucking impossible. It was like my body wasn't in the mood to calm down, as if it wanted to break down and lose all sanity.
I felt my thigh vibrate, and I froze mid-stride.
If you were having a heart attack, you would feel a shooting pain up and down your left arm, right?
So what did it mean when your left thigh was vibrating?
I looked down as if I would see what the problem was by just looking at my leg, and it was then I realized where the hell the vibrating was coming from.
My phone.
I pulled it out of my pocket, rolling my eyes at myself before glancing at the screen.
Dad?
Why the hell was Dad calling me?
I flipped the phone open and put it to my ear.
"What?" I barked.
"Where the hell are you?" he asked with both concern and annoyance in his voice. "The dinner is about to start."
"I'll be right there," I muttered with a sigh.
I walked downstairs to the big living room, where a large, long table had been set up to accommodate the thirty or so guests that were there. I got a seat between an old man I didn't know and a woman who'd had too much plastic surgery done on her face. Mom and Dad were sitting across from me with Aro a few seats down.
I stared down at my plate and pushed my food around with my fork. I wanted nothing more than to get out of there and just get drunk off my ass, effectively forgetting about everything that was fucked up in my life. Of course, I couldn't do that.
"Edward, I hear you are starting a new school after the holidays. Are you excited?" Aro asked. I looked up from my plate and found that most of the people sitting near me were looking at me. I snorted and shook my head.
"Not really."
"Changing schools in the middle of the semester? Isn't that a little… unconventional?" the man next to me asked. I didn't know what to respond to that. Was I supposed to respond with the truth, that I didn't really have a say in it?
Dad cleared his throat and forced a smile at the man.
"We really didn't have a choice in the matter. Edward has gotten himself into some trouble and changing schools was the only option we had at the moment," Dad replied with an awkward smile, as he tried to make it sound far less serious than it really was, as if it wasn't a big deal at all.
"Oh, this isn't related to the accident is it?" the man continued, paying no attention to the fact that it was obvious that this subject was off limits. "I read in the newspaper that you got into an accident with the Chief's daughter… how is she doing?" the man asked, looking at me.
"She is doing as well as can be expected," Dad replied in my place, his smile so forced that it was almost painful looking.
"Oh my, that was you?" some random woman, who sat across from me a few seats down, exclaimed loudly and interrupted all other conversations going on at the moment. All attention was now on me. "I heard she was injured badly. My brother-in-law works with Chief Swan in Forks." She pointed at me with her fork and I narrowed my eyes at her. "You have no respect for the road. I heard they smelled alcohol on your breath. How dare you get behind the wheel after drinking? You could have killed that innocent girl!"
My jaw dropped, and there were gasps heard from around the table. I gripped my fork tighter in my hand, and I would have stabbed her forehead with it, if she wasn't sitting so far away.
"Maybe you shouldn't fucking talk about shit you know nothing about," I snarled at her.
"What a potty mouth," she sniffed, nudging the person next to her.
I pushed my chair back violently and glared at her fully.
"You have no fucking right to say anything about it. You have no fucking idea what went down that night. I was not fucking wasted or drunk or anything. I hit a patch of black ice for crying out loud! It wasn't my fucking fault!" I yelled loudly.
"Edward!" Dad said furiously.
"What?" I snapped back, still loud. "She can't fucking talk to me like that!"
"Oh, you hear the language on this boy?" the woman said and shook her head. "And no showing of remorse whatsoever, trying to blame the circumstances." She sniffed again before looking at me with condescending eyes. "Accidents like yours could be easily prevented if people just paid more attention to the condition of the road."
"Are you fuckin-"
"EDWARD!" Dad cut off. I shot my eyes to him, and his eyes were flashing with anger.
"He doesn't even seem to care that he crippled the poor girl…" someone muttered.
That was fucking it for me. I stalked away from the room and didn't look back.
I managed to get to the front door before my dad caught up to me. He grabbed my arm and turned me around to face him.
"What the hell was that?" he hissed in my face.
"Yeah, I was asking myself the very same fucking thing. Who the hell does she think she is?" I replied, even though I knew he wasn't talking about the woman.
"Don't you dare embarrass me and your mother like that again," he said sternly. "I asked you specifically to not make a scene tonight. To behave and act like an adult, but instead you bust a tantrum like a little child."
"What did you expect me to do? I had to fucking defend myself from that stupid bitch!" I snapped and gestured towards the living room. His eyes widened at my choice of words, and his eyes clouded over. All the concern from earlier in the car was long gone now.
"Who are you?" he asked, as if he really wanted to know. "I don't recognize this person at all."
"Maybe if you got your head out of your ass and didn't work all the fucking time, then maybe you would know who I am. I'm your fucking son, and you're supposed to be on my side! Not on everybody else's! I should be able to commit murder and still know that you had my back!"
His eyes widened even more, and his eyebrow rose to an unnatural level. He looked scared all of a sudden, as if I had said something that had him really worried.
"Edward… I'm just going to ask you this once... Emmett told me about what happened at school that day and he told me you threatened to… to… to kill her. He was afraid you would do something to punish her-"
"You're asking me if I hit her on purpose? If I meant to kill her?" I cut him off incredulously. I took a step back and dragged my hands through my hair. "I can't fucking believe this. You seriously think that I'm capable of that?"
"Of course not, don't be ridiculous," he said calmly, trying to smooth things over.
"Then why the hell did you even have to ask?"
"Edward… we're worried about you. You need help that we can't provide," he said softly, bringing back the fatherly love in his tone. His mood swings were starting to become ridiculous. Couldn't he just pick an emotion and stick to it? Did he want to be angry with me or not?
"I don't need help. All I need is to know that my family and friends got my back. But apparently I already know that they don't. I have nobody! I'm all fucking alone in this bullshit! Maybe I'm the one who should do the world a favor and cut my own throat and not Swan!"
I turned to the front door and threw the door open, storming out into the cold.
"Edward! Where are you going? Come back here!" Dad called after me. I ignored him, and he made it easy by not showing any pretense to go after me. It was either because he figured I wanted to be alone, or because he needed to clean up the mess I had made by opening my mouth at the table.
I passed the parked cars and kept on walking. I needed to get the fuck away from this place, and as far away as possible. I needed to be with someone who didn't judge me, who accepted me for who I was. No matter how fucked up I was.
But there was no such person. I was all fucking alone.
I had nobody.
Where the hell was I supposed to go?
A sudden, shrieking noise made me jump in surprise. I looked around to find the source of the noise and felt slightly disoriented. I spotted the culprit, standing in the middle of the dark, empty road. It was looking around as if it was all innocent and hadn't just scared the living crap out of me. I narrowed my eyes and resisted the urge to spit at it.
A fucking goose.
Goose…
Swan.
Fuck.
The goose made another noise, but this time it was a softer sound and not some war cry like before. I shook my head at myself and threw out my arms in a frustrated gesture.
Was this a sign?
Was I supposed to go to the Goose? To Swan?
I pulled my wallet out of my back pocket and checked how much cash I had on me.
Enough for a cab ride back to Forks… barely.
Maybe I should just go home and forget this life ever happened. Maybe Swan had it right. Maybe life just wasn't worth living. Why bother when all the people around you sucked? What's the point?
I kicked a small rock on the street and kept on walking towards the bus station, figuring that I could find a cab there.
The streets were ridiculously empty; it was as if I was walking through a damn ghost town. It was cold as all fuck, and I would consider myself lucky if my balls didn't fall off.
As if I would ever get to use them again, anyway. I hadn't gotten laid in weeks, not since before the accident. Hell, I hadn't even gotten off since that time with Tanya in the janitor's closet. A much needed release would have felt good right about now. But it was as if my dick had lost all its purpose, as if it didn't know what the hell it was made for anymore. Up until now, if there was one thing I knew I could always count on, it was that my dick would do its job. But apparently those days were over too. I couldn't even picture myself fucking a girl anymore.
I could always picture my dick being deep inside a girl. What the fuck changed?
You changed, asshole.
Not constant anymore.
I made it down to the station and found the taxi queue. I strode over to the first one in line and jumped into the backseat without a word.
"Where to?" the driver asked with a bored tone, putting away the newspaper he was reading.
"Hell," I replied sourly as I slumped in my seat. He chuckled and turned the ignition.
"Forks it is," he chuckled, probably thinking he was fucking funny. I didn't respond, and I guess he took that as a sign that he had gotten it right.
He drove fast, and he drove like he was still getting his learner's permit. He had no damn respect at all for the traffic laws. I knew I was a fucking hypocrite, because I had no damn respect for those either, but at least I had control when I drove. Not like this madman that didn't pay any fucking attention at all…
Control…
Yeah, you got control alright, that's why Swan's leg is currently wrapped up in a nice little package, and why your life is in ruins and why you're all fucking alone with no one to turn to.
Yeah, great control you've got there.
"So where to, exactly?" the driver asked as we neared Forks' town limits.
I sighed deeply while I thought that shit over.
Where the hell did I want to go?
"Hey, you awake back there?" he asked again, sounding irritated as he glanced over his shoulder. "I'm not a mind reader. Where do you want to get dropped off?" He glanced back at the road, but shot his eyes back to me with pitying look. "Rough Thanksgiving…?" he asked.
I glared at him as I felt something drop from my eyes. I frowned as I touched my cheeks in confusion and looking down at my fingers. They were wet.
I was fucking crying like a girl.
In a cab.
Who the hell was I? Emmett?
I was losing my mind.
I wiped my damn cheeks dry from tears and cleared my throat.
"Take a left at the grocery store and take right at the junction…"
He nodded once and did as he was told, a couple of minutes later he dropped me off a few blocks away from my destination. I threw a couple of bills at him, tipping him way more than he deserved, before climbing out of the car.
I didn't want to get dropped off right outside her house. The Chief would kill me if he saw me. I didn't think for a minute that he would hesitate to put a bullet through my head if I even came near their damn house.
Yet, here I was. Ready to take that bullet. And for what? For Swan?
I glanced at the house while hiding behind a parked car. The house was dark, and the only light was from the porch. I picked up my phone to check the time; somehow it was already past midnight. How the hell did that happen? Where the hell had the time gone? It felt like it was only an hour ago I was sitting in that stupid dining room, getting chastised by some woman who didn't know her ass from her brain.
I was clearly loosing it. I couldn't even keep track of time, let alone keep track of my own mind. I was fucking lost.
I moved closer to the house, careful not to make any noise. I was sure the Chief was one of those people who slept with one eye open and I didn't want to give him a reason to open the other one.
I was wondering what room was hers when I remembered the conversation she'd had with her father. The guestroom she was staying in was downstairs, that much I knew, so it wouldn't be that hard to get in.
Assuming she'll let me, and not scream bloody murder…
The first window I peered into showed the living room. I could make out the dark silhouette of a man sleeping on the couch. I moved away from the window and rounded the corner so I was now in the backyard of the house.
I peered into another window and sighed in relief.
Jackpot.
This was the guest bedroom; at least I assumed it was. It was small as fuck. If this had been another time, during different circumstances, I probably would have made an inappropriate joke about the room being so small that I couldn't even fit my dick in there. But this wasn't the time.
You're an idiot.
Yes, I know.
Swan was sleeping in the bed, which was right beside window, and her cast was glowing and was illuminated by nothing at all. It was as if it was shining all on its own, reminding me about what a screw-up I really was.
She didn't look peaceful as she slept. She was hugging her arms to herself, as if she was trying to keep herself together. Her face was not relaxed, she looked pained and on edge even when she was sleeping.
What the hell was going on with her that she couldn't even relax when she was unconscious?
I leaned casually against the wall, figuring I could at least do this as a man. She didn't need to know the real reason I came here. She doesn't need to know…
I knocked softly on the window frame, and her eyes flew open immediately, terror was clear in her face. I didn't know what confused me the most – the fact that she looked so scared or the fact that she was now staring at the door as if it was going to kill her.
She was gasping for air so loudly that I could hear her through the window.
I knocked again, this time on the glass, and she shot her eyes to me. I pushed myself from the wall and stepped in front of the window so she could see me better. She yelped and put a hand to her heart in surprise. I knocked again just for the hell of it.
"It's just me…" I said softly, feeling the strange urge to calm her.
She turned on the lamp on her bedside table, before reaching to open the lock on the window and pushing it open.
"What are you doing here?" she hissed in a whisper. I forced a smirk and shrugged lazily.
"I was just in the neighborhood, so I thought I would stop by for a fucking visit. Haven't seen you in ages, wanted to see how you were doing," I replied cheerily with a wide smile.
She scoffed softly, cocking an eyebrow at me and giving me a look that clearly said she wasn't buying it. I didn't even expect that she would. I let the smirk fall; there was no use for it anymore.
"Edward… my father will kill you if he finds you here," she whispered. Her tone suggested that she wasn't really telling me to go away. She was just giving me a warning of what would happen if I stayed.
"Please, Penguin… I have no other fucking place to go," I whispered back, my voice cracking in the most embarrassing way.
"You're going to hell for this…" Another warning, but it was more like a statement. She scooted away to the bed, and I smiled crookedly at her, a silent thanks.
I hoisted myself up and climbed as soundlessly as I could through the window.
"I was already on my way there, anyway," I replied as I stepped down onto the floor. I shot her a dazzling smile. "I just figured I wanted company on the ride there." I winked. She rolled her eyes, but the blush that followed didn't escape my notice.
I let my eyes sweep the small room, which appeared even smaller in the soft light from the lamp on the bedside table than it had when it was dark.
"This is a small-ass room," I said as I turned my eyes to her again. She didn't say anything in response. She just adjusted her seat and leaned back against the wall. I sat down and scooted my way up so I was sitting next to her. She leaned her head back against the wall and turned her face to me.
"You've been crying," she noted, without sounding teasing or mocking about it. She was just stating a fact that I was already aware of. I wiped my cheeks again, even though I knew I had not shed anymore tears since I left the cab.
"Yeah… allergies, you know." I shrugged nonchalantly and she scoffed lightly.
"Yeah, allergies," she mumbled and looked away. "I wish I had allergies…"
She sighed and closed her eyes.
"Did you have a nice Thanksgiving?" I asked, bending my leg so I could rest my arm on my knee.
"Did you?" she retorted harshly, as if the question had offended her.
"No, I can't say that I did," I replied honestly.
"Is that why you came here? To make it worse? Or figuring that if you had a bad Thanksgiving you had to drop by the Goose's house and make hers worse than yours? So you could feel better about yourself?" She sputtered out the words so quickly it was hard for me to keep up. She took a deep breath after her rant and hid her face in her hands. "God, I'm sorry… I shouldn't have said that… I just… things are…"
"Yeah… I know… don't sweat it," I replied, taking her hand and squeezing it softly between us.
I don't know who froze first. We looked at each other wide-eyed, and we quickly pulled our hands back, turning our gazes away. We were both staring at the wall in front of us instead.
.Hell.
"You don't need to apologize," I said quietly after a few moments of awkward silence. "For some reason, I can take that shit from you, because it's about you. But I can't fucking take it when other people talk like they know everything about some shit, even though all they know is what they've heard from fucking rumors."
She turned her head and looked at me with mixed confusion and concern.
"You wanna talk about it?" she asked softly.
"You wanna hear about it?" I replied, mirroring her soft tone. She pursed her lips in annoyance, and I couldn't blame her. I needed to change the fucking subject and move it the hell away from me. "So… I figure that guy who's sleeping in the living room isn't your father? You got a bodyguard or something, seeing to it that you don't run away?"
Something changed in her eyes then, and the vulnerability I had seen in her eyes at the hospital was back. She shot her eyes quickly to the door, once again looking at it as if the door itself would kill her.
"Bodyguard my ass," she muttered under her breath.
"Wanna talk about it?" I asked, nudging her playfully in a sad attempt to remove that look in her eyes. I didn't like it one bit; it made me feel even worse, and that was the least thing I needed.
She quirked an eyebrow at me.
"You wanna hear about it?" she mimicked me, and I chuckled quietly.
She smiled sadly in response. She shifted a little where she sat, and pain flashed in her face almost immediately. She tried to cover it up, but I fucking saw it.
"Aren't they giving you any meds for that shit?" I asked, surprising myself by sounding so fucking concerned.
"Yeah, they are." She nodded as she took a labored breath. The pain must have subsided because I could see her body relax. "Dr. Carrot was nice enough to give me even stronger ones than your dad did…"
"What? My dad gave you weak shit? What the hell?" I asked incredulously. She gave me a pointed look, as if I was missing something obvious.
"Dr. Cullen was afraid I would OD on them. Luckily for me, Dr. Carrot doesn't see that as an issue, and he prescribed me some seriously strong stuff."
"Why aren't you taking it then?" I asked confused.
She raised an eyebrow, giving me yet another pointed look. This time I didn't need to have it spilled out for me. Realization hit me like a fucking slap in the face.
"You're gonna OD," I stated without any uncertainty. It wasn't a question.
She smiled sadly and half-shrugged.
"I'm a waste of space… the world would be better without me in it," she mumbled quietly.
"Penguin… c'mon…" I said, almost pleadingly. I leaned my head back. My entire body felt drained and this was too fucking much. Her eyes held no fucking hope for the future; it was as if she didn't even see a tomorrow. "What happened to you?"
She looked down at her clasped hands in her lap while gnawing on her trembling bottom lip.
"Thanks for the ice cream," she whispered, her voice shaky. I smiled crookedly at her sad attempt to change the subject. I couldn't blame her since it was obviously something utterly private that I had no reason to stick my nose in.
"So you didn't give the money to charity or some shit?" I joked.
"Buying myself some ice cream should be considered charity, since I'm a charity case and all," she joked half-heartedly in response.
"You're not..." I protested. She looked at me and held my gaze for a moment before answering.
"Edward, you have told me over and over again that I don't matter, that I'm a waste of space… I'm the Goose, or have you forgotten that? So why do you seem surprised now that I am this way?" she asked.
"I didn't know you-" I began.
"You still don't know me," she cut me off.
I smirked at her 'angry kitten' look and she looked even more annoyed because of it.
"You're right," I granted. "I don't know you, and you don't know me. And yet, here we fucking are."
She furrowed her eyebrows and brought her bottom lip into her mouth again, gnawing on it in thought.
"What brought you here tonight?" she asked almost too quietly for me to hear, as she turned her gaze away again, as if she was afraid of the answer. "You have loads of friends, a bunch of people who would be there for you if you really needed it… but instead you turn up by my window in the middle of the night… why me, Edward?"
I felt that stupid lump form in my throat again, and I tried hard to swallow.
"For some unknown damn reason I don't mind wasting space with you." I shrugged awkwardly.
"That didn't answer my question," she replied quietly, still not looking at me.
I took a deep breath and dragged my hands through my hair. When I breathed out, the whole story about my evening came spilling out with it. I told her everything. About what I had heard in the grocery store. About the damn dog. About the dinner. About my fight with Dad. I even mentioned the fucking goose. The words spilled out of me like I had no control over them, and it was a fucking relief to get it all out.
She didn't interrupt me when I spoke. She didn't ask any questions. She just sat there and listened to my crap, and that was exactly what I needed. I just needed someone to fucking listen to me without judging me, because I knew she wasn't.
When I was done I felt like I had talked for hours. I gave her an apologetic smile as I glanced at her.
"I'm sorry you had to go through that," she said softly after a moment.
"Yeah, me too." I chuckled humorlessly.
"I guess that just goes to show that parents suck." She sighed. "No matter how perfect they may appear from the outside, they still suck on the inside."
"Isn't that the truth," I agreed. "That's the funny thing though, I actually thought he gave a crap for a while there. He kept throwing me these concerned looks on our way to Port Angeles… but they were gone almost as soon as we got there and sat down for dinner… he didn't even fucking defend me when that bitch began blabbering about shit she knew nothing about." I turned my head to her; she was looking straight ahead at the wall in front of us. I studied her profile and noticed how soft it looked; she had the dream profile for an artist to draw. Her nose was straight, but not unnaturally so, and the tip of her nose was pointed up just a little, just enough to give the nose some character. "Can I ask now how your night was?"
She smiled crookedly, still not looking at me.
"I came out alive," was all she said.
"But in your book, that's not necessarily a good thing, right?" I said, nudging her again.
"In this case, it was," she replied with a weird tone. "I won't let them kill me… that would make it too easy for them."
I gripped her wrist gently and pulled at her arm so it was held between us. I calmly pushed up the sleeve of her shirt. The scars were almost screaming at me in this light.
She made no attempt to pull her arm back. She just kept her eyes at my face, silently asking with her eyes what the hell I was doing.
I traced her scars with my fingers, pondering how they came to be here. The thickness and the texture of them made it obvious that they had been deep cuts. Though I was no fucking doctor, I was still inclined to agree with my father on this one. She did not make these herself.
"What happened?" I asked her again, not talking about her night anymore.
I traced another scar, as I looked up to meet her gaze. .
"Trust is a funny thing, isn't it?" was her response.
Such a simple sentence, yet I knew it held much more meaning than those words implied.
I looked down at her arm again, pulling down her sleeve and letting go of her. She pulled her arm back and hugged it to her.
"I hate you, Swan." I sighed. It felt like I had never said anything so true – and so false – before in my life. She chuckled humorlessly and nodded.
"I know," she replied simply.
"You have no idea how hard this shit is for me," I continued. "My entire life changed because of you. Nobody who used to have my back has it anymore. I'm all fucking alone. My life is so fucked up that the only person I keep going back to is … you. You have any idea how fucked up that is?" She didn't say anything in response to that, so I continued. "You should be the one to hate me, the one to badmouth me and blame me and doubt every fucking thing I do. But instead you're the one sitting here listening to my crap without judging. You let me visit you in the middle of the night, and while you ask why the hell I came over… you still don't push it when I don't give you a straight answer. You just accept whatever I throw at you… how can you do that? How can you be so… forgiving?"
She pondered that for a moment, and I actually leaned my face closer to her so as not to miss a single word of her answer.
"I'm holding so much hate inside me right now that there simply is not room for me to hate another person, especially someone who doesn't deserve it…" She looked up and met my gaze. "I have no reason to hate you… not even the name calling and the threats at school are reasons enough for me to hate you, because I know firsthand what people can do to deserve my hate. And what you've done to me are hugs and kisses in comparison to that. So it's easy for me to be so forgiving when it comes to you, because you haven't done anything for me to really forgive…" she trailed off and looked down at her hands again. "I'm alone too. I've been alone for a while now… I should say that it gets easier… but it doesn't… it will eat you up inside until you can't breathe anymore…"
"Since I'm going to school with that punk… Jacob Black? That was his name right?" She nodded hesitantly. I smirked as I nudged her softly. "You want me to kick his ass for you?" She chuckled at me echoing Jacob's own offer to her.
But the carefree sound soon faded away, and she threw me a look.
"Have you ever done anything for anyone but yourself?" she asked.
"No, but there's always a first for everything, right?" I joked.
We were quiet for a moment. The muffled sounds of people snoring and our own breaths was our background music.
"Even though I know you're not serious, I would still want to ask you to keep away from him. He's bad news… in more ways than one. And I would hate it if you got into more trouble because of me," she said softly.
"Trust me, Penguin, I couldn't get into more trouble even if I tried," I sighed.
"For some reason I don't find that hard to believe at all."
I glanced at her and smiled crookedly.
"Mind if I stay here tonight?" I asked. "I don't feel like going home."
"If anyone finds you here… you're toast," she warned, but she was still not telling me no.
"I'll set the alarm on my phone… don't worry," I said as I pulled the phone out from my pocket and set it to five a.m., figuring that was early enough. I put the phone on the bedside table, and when I turned back, I found her looking at me. "What?"
"What's been said in this room stays in this room, right?" she said. I nodded.
"Trust is something you earn," I replied, and she smiled timidly.
"I'm sorry you have to go through this, Edward. You might be a douche, and you treat people poorly… but you don't deserve any of this," she said with so much emotion in her voice, and it stirred something in me. She was speaking from the heart; she meant every single word. It was evident in her tone.
"Neither do you, Isabella. You're so fucking innocent and pure… you couldn't harm a fucking fly. You don't deserve any of this crap," I replied, speaking from my damn heart too – if there even was such a thing in my body, that is.
She smiled at me and a soft giggle escaped her. What did I say now? She must have sensed my confusion because she giggled again.
"Don't call me Isabella; it sounds weird coming from you," she said with a smile.
"I'm not calling you Goose anymore," I argued, and she rolled her eyes in response.
"Swan works too, you know."
I gave her a once over, before climbing onto the bed and sitting next to her again.
"Penguin… Pigeon… Ducky… take your pick," I offered.
"Does it have to be a bird?" she asked, and I nodded. "Why?" I shrugged and she sighed. "This is ridiculous." I nodded again without answering. She smiled and shoved me playfully. I couldn't help but smile in return, and I found myself itching to see her smile again. There was something honest and genuine about her smiles. Her smiles were rare, so therefore, they had to be genuine. They couldn't be fake because there wasn't a fake bone in her body.
Except the metal ones…
Something twisted inside me at the thought, as I was reminded about what had brought us to this point in time. Something I couldn't undo. This was on me. Even if she didn't blame me, I knew this shit was on me.
"I'm sorry," I said.
Her smile faded as she gazed back at me.
"Please, promise me to never ever say that to me again until you actually do something you have a reason to be sorry about," she said sternly.
"I promise… if you can promise me something in return…"
"What?"
"Keep your window open for me…"
The corner of her mouth lifted into a crooked smile, but she didn't try to hide the sadness in her eyes.
"Why?"
"I have a feeling I'll need it," I replied honestly. I was quiet for a moment and took a deep breath. "Do you have my back, Penguin?"
She didn't even hesitate before she nodded softly.
"Yeah, I do. Do you have mine?" she asked in return.
"Yeah, I do." There was no uncertainty in my voice either. "We just need to keep this shit on the down low… nobody can know. This is our secret."
"I'm an excellent secret keeper," she said.
As if on cue, we both gazed down at her arms at the same time.
"I don't doubt that for a second."