Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, I just play with them. This story is rated M, and is not suitable for younger readers. Story contains violence, coarse language and sexual "situations". Please do not read if any of these things offends you.
Note: [Beta'ed by: adt216]
Chapter 38 – "Goat"
Edward Cullen POV
To finally get to speak with Sparrow was like having a damn weight lifted off my shoulders. I felt relieved and – for some weird reason – hopeful. Hopeful about what? I had no fucking clue.
My stomach growled just as we hung up, and I decided to go down to the kitchen. On the way down, I passed Emmett's room, and I stopped as I heard the sound of his TV.
"… is fiercely protective of their space, food and offspring. The mountain goat is pretty much harmless unless it's provoked. And it's not unusual that they fight to the death to protect what's theirs…"
I slowly made my way back to his room, giving him a weird look from the open door. Emmett was hanging out on his bed, watching a nature show on TV. At least that was what it looked like.
"What the fuck are you watching?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.
"This is fucking hilarious, bro," he replied with a wide grin without tearing his eyes from the TV. "They've showed wolves fucking… damn reindeers fucking… and look… hahaha… mountain goats!" He almost choked on his own laugh as I stepped over to the bed and sat down. I looked at the TV just as the goats started going at it. They made the most ridiculous sounds, and Emmett practically wet himself because he was laughing so hard.
"That's fucking stupid. Are you getting turned on by animals now or some shit?" I snorted, shaking my head. "Please tell me you aren't making Rosalie dress up as a damn goat just so you can get a boner."
"Oh, c'mon. Wouldn't you want to fuck, or at the very least kiss, that fluffy goat?" he said, bursting into laughter again.
"The day I feel like kissing a mountain goat is the day I become a one woman man," I snorted.
"So you'll get exclusive with the mountain goat, how sweet. I bet she'll feel very special," Emmett replied with a sweet voice. I rolled my eyes again.
"You're fucking retarded," I muttered, as I stood up from the bed.
"Takes one to know one, brother," he replied.
I flipped him off, but he just laughed.
Maybe there was still hope for the two of us patching shit up. Maybe he could become my damn brother again, and we could leave all the fucking shit and drama behind us already.
Little did I know that there was more shit flying my way… and this time I was the only one getting hit.
x x x x x
Her phone was off. Why the hell was her phone off? Had something happened? I dialed her number again, even though I already tried to call her ten times in the past minute. I growled and sent the phone flying as I was once again greeted by her voice mail.
Something had happened. I was fucking sure of it. Why else would she turn off her phone? We had ended our last conversation on a good note; there was no fucking reason as to why she would be avoiding me now.
I gripped my hair and started pacing.
It had only been a day, but that didn't matter.
I fucking needed her. She knew I needed her.
I grabbed my car keys from my nightstand before rushing out the door. I almost tripped on my way down the stairs, but I didn't fucking care. It only made me rush even more. I made it to the garage, and I… fucking froze.
I stared at the Volvo as if it was the first time I'd seen it. It looked absolutely spotless. It was clean and shiny. There were no blemishes at all. Not even a damn leaf stuck to the windshield wipers or anything. It was fucking perfect.
I looked down at the keys in my hands and ever so slowly pressed the unlock button. I heard the familiar sound of the car being unlocked, and the lights flashed a couple of times. I swallowed thickly and took a step closer to the car without looking up.
It felt wrong being this close to the car.
So… fucking… wrong.
I took a deep breath and gripped the door handle, opening the door. I got in behind the wheel and closed the door behind me. I put the key in the ignition, but I didn't turn it. I just let it sit there. I put my hands on the wheel, looking out in front of me.
I didn't see the garage anymore. All I saw was Sparrow… Swan… Goose…
Isabella.
I gripped the wheel, squeezing my eyes shut, and screamed.
x x x x x
My throat is fucking sore. Why the fuck is my throat sore?
I opened my eyes, blinking a few times in the harsh fluorescent light of the garage. I turned my head and found myself looking at Jasper. He was staring at me without blinking.
"Hey, you okay?" Jasper asked, frowning a little at my confused expression.
"What the fuck, dude?" I muttered, my voice hoarse and my throat hurting as I tried to speak.
"I could say the same thing," Jasper replied evenly. "How are your arms? I'm no doctor, so I had no idea what the fuck I was supposed to do, so I tried my best to clean you up. I've called your dad, he's on his way."
"What are you talking about?" I asked, looking down on my arms. My eyes widened as I saw the bloody mess. I had cuts everywhere. My shirt and the bandage on my hand were stained red.
"Did you get into a fight with your girlfriend?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.
Girlfriend? Is he talking about Sparrow? She's not my fucking girlfriend.
"Your car," he clarified when he noticed my confused look. "You beat it half to death. I assume it did something to piss you off. What did it do? Insult your hair?" He was trying to make a joke, but I still had no fucking clue about what he was talking about. What the fuck was he going on about my car for?
"What the fuck are you talking about?" I snapped, getting up from the floor. "What about my car?" I turned around, looking towards the car. Whatever I planned to say next stuck in my throat.
The windshield was cracked, and there were several small dents on the hood. I walked over to the car and noticed that the driver's side window was completely shattered, and the door had several big dents in it. There was blood on the door. And on the floor.
I looked down on my arms again, slowly putting the pieces together.
"What happened?" Jasper asked, all humor gone from his voice now as he came up behind me.
"I… I don't know," I replied slowly, still staring at the car door. "I… can't… remember." I tilted my head to the side, as my eyes zeroed in on the keys that were still in the ignition. What the fuck happened? How did I manage to create such a mess?
"C'mon, dude, let's get out of here," Jasper said, patting my back. I nodded and followed him back into the house.
We just barely made it to the living room before Dad came home. He was wearing his serious face, and I sighed as I plopped down on the couch.
"What happened?" Dad asked as he sat down beside me and immediately started going over my arms.
Turns out it wasn't that big of a deal. Most cuts were superficial, and the ones that were cut a little deeper didn't need stitches. Dad asked a bunch of dumbass questions, and I didn't know what the fuck I responded with. He talked to Jasper too, but I didn't listen. I was so lost in my own little world that I didn't even notice when Jasper left.
Dad squeezed my shoulder, and I turned my head to him with a blank expression.
"What happened, Edward?" he asked. I could tell by his tone that he had asked me several times already and was still waiting for an answer.
"I needed to see her," I replied with an empty tone. "She won't answer the phone, and I need to fucking see her. Make sure she's alright."
"Bella?" he asked, and the corner of my mouth lifted a little at the mention of her name. "Why don't you get some rest and try to call her tomorrow."
"And why don't you go fuck yourself and leave me the hell alone," I muttered under my breath as I got up from the couch. "It might be too late tomorrow…"
I heard him sigh, and he didn't speak again until I'd reached the doorway.
"Edward, I spoke with Dr. Randall, and he's not very happy with how your session went the other day. He would like to see you again… soon," he said quietly. "And this time we expect you to stay for the entire session."
"What the fuck for? That guy doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about," I replied.
"When was the last time you had a blackout, Edward?" he asked evenly, completely ignoring my comment. I froze. "Are they becoming so frequent you don't even notice them anymore?" he continued.
"I don't know what you're talking about," I muttered.
"Yes, you do," he argued softly.
"Fuck you," I muttered inaudibly as I continued my way towards the stairs.
Blackouts. I snorted. I didn't suffer from any damn blackouts.
Yes, of course you don't. And that's why you often lose track of time, ending up places you have no memory of going, doing stuff you have no memory of doing…
Those aren't blackouts. That's just me being scatter brained.
If you say so.
If I could kick my own ass, I totally would.
I was starting to piss myself off.
I went back to my room, plopping down on the bed and staring up at the ceiling.
Blackouts.
Yeah right.
I reached for my phone and looked at the screen.
No, Sparrow hadn't tried to call me. Of course she hadn't. I was not surprised.
I was not suffering from blackouts. I was suffering from other people's bullshit.
And it had to fucking stop.
I tried to call Sparrow one more time.
This time I didn't even wait for the automatic message to finish before I hung up.
x x x x x
"Drive me to Port Angeles," I said, gripping the phone tightly in my hand, leaving no room for argument. I needed to fucking get to Port Angeles, and I needed to get there now. I had tried to call her for the past two days, and she had yet to answer her damn phone – or turn it back on. And I was done waiting for her. I needed to see her. Now.
"C'mon," Jasper replied with a deep sigh. "Maybe you should just kick back and relax for a bit. You had a fucking breakdown yesterday. You really think running off to find her is such a good idea right now?"
"You have two choices: either you drive me or I'll drive there myself. You chose," I replied coldly.
"Yeah, because we will all win when you drive your ass off a cliff and kill yourself," he replied sarcastically. He sighed again, and I could almost see him shake his head. "Fine, I'll pick you up," he agreed finally. "I'll be there in ten." He hung up without waiting for an answer.
As I put the phone back in my pocket, my eyes zeroed in on the small box from Jackson's Jewelry on my nightstand. The small box that contained the necklace I had bought for Sparrow. I contemplated bringing it with me, because maybe I could give it to her now and buy her something else for Christmas. Maybe she could use a pick-me-up, and girls loved jewelry, right? Girls were always cheered up by jewelry.
I removed the necklace from the box, and put it in my pocket before heading downstairs. Eight minutes later, I was standing outside the house, watching Jasper pull up the driveway. I got into the passenger seat, and he gave me a once-over before backing the car back out.
"You are wearing the same clothes you had on yesterday," he noted.
"I couldn't sleep," I replied. "So why change my fucking clothes if I never got out of them."
"Maybe because they're covered in blood," he suggested.
"A few tiny stains, big deal. I've had worse."
"I'm sure you have." He glanced at me again. "Dude, your hands are shaking… you sure you don't want me to take you to see your dad at the hospital instead?"
I looked down at my hands, realizing he was right. Huh, I didn't even notice. I was so damn used to something being wrong with me that I didn't even notice it anymore.
"I'm fucking alright, but she might not be," I snapped. "So just shut the fuck up and drive the fucking car."
I slouched in my seat, which was a semi-difficult thing to do since my body was stiff as a fucking board and refused to relax. Damn car.
I closed my eyes and tried to breathe slowly through my nose. If I could try to get over the fact that I was in a moving vehicle, then maybe I wouldn't lose my mind. Maybe I would be sane enough to make it to Port Angeles without freaking out.
"You like her, don't you?" Jasper asked quietly, his tone suggesting he wasn't talking about me liking her as a friend. He was suggesting something else entirely. I was too tired to come up with a snarky response. I just sighed and shook my head.
"I don't know anything anymore," I replied with a tired voice.
"But you do, don't you?" he prodded, glancing at me again. He wasn't kidding around; he wasn't asking just to mess with me. He was asking because he was concerned, and I couldn't blame him for that. Of course, he was concerned. Edward fucking Cullen wasn't supposed to like Isabella "the Goose" Swan. I turned my head to Jasper and shrugged. He smirked lazily and nodded. "Thought so," he replied.
"If you tell anyone about this I'll rip your nuts off, you know that, right?" I threatened.
"Please, like anyone would believe it if I told them anyway. Edward Cullen doesn't like girls."
"Are you suggesting I'm a fag?" I snorted.
"Oh c'mon, I've seen the way you look at me. You want me. I can tell," he said, his smirk growing.
"Fuck you," I muttered.
"Oh, you wish," he chuckled. I rolled my eyes at him, and he laughed even more. "You're not even denying it. You want me so bad."
"Just shut up and drive."
Jasper was the best bud a dude could ask for, that was for sure, but in the end, not even his jokes could help me relax. As soon as we hit the highway, I was back to being the tense motherfucker who was afraid of cars. My body was aching because I was so tense, and it felt as if I couldn't even breathe properly. Jasper asked me if I had taken any of the meds that Dad had given me to help me relax, but I told him I hadn't. Which I guess, in retrospect, would have been a good idea to do.
When we finally made it to Port Angeles, my nerves were practically fried, and I felt like shit. I almost fucking stumbled and fell on the sidewalk because my body wasn't cooperating when I got out of the car.
"Dude, seriously, I'm calling your dad," Jasper said.
"I'm alright. I'm fucking alright," I argued.
"Yeah, sure you are. If I didn't know any better I would think you were drunk. You can't even walk straight," he noted.
I ignored him as I crossed the street. We had parked the car outside the place where the project exhibition had been. Since she said she lived across the street it shouldn't be too hard to find her. I walked from door to door, checking the listings for the people who lived there. Jasper followed a few steps behind me without saying a word.
The third door listed a K. Peters. Didn't Sparrow mention something about living with someone named Kate? And K. Peters was the only K that I could find.
"You sure this is it?" Jasper asked as I opened the door. I didn't reply as I stepped inside and turned towards the stairs. K. Peters lived on the third floor.
When we reached the door, I was shaking so much I was practically having a seizure. I knocked on the door and took a step back. Jasper put a hand on my shoulder, probably in a sad attempt to calm me down, but it did little to help me.
The door opened, a woman looking back at us with a smile.
"May I help you?" she asked.
"Is Spar-Isabella here?" I asked.
Her smile vanished in an instant. I wondered if it was a conscious act on her part or not; but she took a step forward, making the gap between the door and the doorframe smaller. She was basically shutting us out.
She's in there.
"May I ask who you are, and what your business is with her?" she asked.
"I'm Edwar-"
"Edward?" she echoed, without even letting me finish. So she's heard of me? "Wait right here, and I'll ask her if she's in the mood for company." She closed the door in our faces, and I turned to look at Jasper.
"I think she's heard of you," he noted, taking the words out of my mouth.
A moment later, the door opened again. I automatically took a step forward, assuming I was going to be let in, but she stood in my way, giving me an apologetic smile.
"I'm sorry, but Bella is sleeping and she's not… she's not in the mood for company right now. I'm sure she'll call you later and expla-"
"FUCK THAT!" I said, cutting her off. I pushed past her and stepped into the apartment.
I had no idea where Sparrow's room was, but since it was a small-ass apartment, I bet there weren't too many places for her to hide. I passed an open door, revealing the master bedroom. So I assumed the closed door, right in front of me, at the end of the hall was where Sparrow was hiding.
I threw the door open, and I saw the shaking form hidden under the covers. Was she hiding from me?
I walked over to the bed, prepared to just rip the covers right off her body. But as I reached her, I couldn't find it in me to do just that. Instead, I just gripped the covers with one hand, then slowly tugged them down, giving her a chance to react. Soon I was looking down at the face of that pretty, little brunette.
She met my gaze, and she looked terrified.
Is she afraid of me?
Why the fuck is she afraid of me?
The thought pissed me off.
"Fuck you, Sparrow!" I spat at her, as an irrational wave of anger surged through me. "Fuck you a million times over. What the fuck?" When she started to tug at the covers again, I gripped them even more tightly. She wasn't going to hide from me anymore. She was fucking fine. So why the hell had she been ignoring me?
"What are you doing here?" she whispered.
And there it was. The broken voice that could melt a fucking iceberg. The broken voice that drained all the anger out of me like someone had pulled the plug. Did she know what that voice could do to a person? Was that why she was using it against me now? I sat down on the edge of her bed, gesturing for her to scoot closer to the wall so I could lay down. I propped my head up on my arm, looking at her while trying to read her, to see if she was hurt in anyway. Not physically, maybe, but mentally. Had something happened? Something in her eyes told me yes.
I reached up to stroke a few stray hair strands from her face. My hand was hurting again. I guessed it wasn't a good idea to beat up your car after kicking the shit out some idiot just days before.
"What happened to you?" she asked. Her eyes were filled with so much concern for me that I had to close my eyes. I couldn't fucking take it when she looked at me like that. Did she even know that she was looking at me as if I was the most important person in her life? Did she know that she was looking at me as if her world would end if something happened to me? Did she know? I felt her stroke my cheek gently. "I told you I needed time, Edward. I told you I wasn't ready."
She didn't know.
I couldn't help but smirk a little. Of course, she didn't know. She was too innocent and pure to know anything. I opened my eyes slowly, meeting her gaze. "You've had a week, Sparrow. You've had enough time."
I scooted closer to her, carefully putting my arms around her and pulling her to me. I started rubbing circles into her back, and as I did, I felt myself relax. This was what I fucking needed. Sparrow was safe. Nothing had happened to her. If she was safe, I was safe.
"A week is not enough," she whispered. I wanted to snort at that.
"A week is what you got. You're not getting anymore. Deal with it," I replied.
I must have fallen asleep without even noticing – but then again, when the hell did you ever notice when you fell asleep? – because I woke up to hear Sparrow talking to my dad. When the hell did he get here?
"…because he wanted to see you," he said. "But he can't drive anymore. I wish my son would let me help him, but he has closed himself off completely. He doesn't trust anyone."
"Can you blame him?" Sparrow replied, and I could almost hear the snort that was begging to escape from her. "You guys turned your back on him after the accident. You blamed him for it. As if he was the one who put the black ice on the road, or as if he meant to hit it. Of course he doesn't trust anyone, because for the past few weeks nobody has ever given him a reason to."
"I never blamed my son for the accident. But I didn't agree-"
"… with the way he handled things," she said, ending the sentence for him. "Yeah, I got it. But that doesn't excuse the way you've been treating him. You never let him breathe and sort through everything. Instead you all just pressured him about doing the right thing that he never got the chance to figure out what the right thing was for him."
I almost wanted to smile. She always defended me even though God knows I didn't fucking deserve any of it.
"It was for his own good that we pressured him, Bella," Dad continued with a sigh. "I asked Jasper what Edward had said when he found him curled up beside his car, and according to him, Edward didn't even remember how he got there. Which is why I have been trying to get through to my son. I don't know if he has told you, but Edward might suffer from a disor-"
Oh, hell NO!
"The only thing I suffer from is your bullshit," I cut him off. Sparrow turned her head and smiled softly at me, but there was nothing to fucking smile about. I wasn't suffering from any fucking disorder, and if Dad thought he was going make her believe the shit that he was spewing, then he had another thing coming. I didn't want her to think I was some sick fuck, just because Dad was trying to find faults in me. As if claiming I had some sort of disorder would make up for the fact that he had done a piss poor job raising me.
"Edward, maybe I should take you home," Dad suggested. "Bella has been through enough she-"
"I'm not going any-fucking-where," I growled, cutting him off again as I sat up in the bed. Dad sighed and ran his hand through his short hair. His entire demeanor screamed of frustration.
"Edward," he said with a warning tone, and I resisted the urge to roll my eyes at him. Did he think saying my name like that would get him anywhere? Puh-lease.
"I'm not going anywhere," I repeated. "I'm staying right here."
"I don't mind," Sparrow chimed in. "I don't mind if he stays…"
Dad gave me a look, clearly trying to convey something without having to say it.
"Jasper is still here, I'm sure he can give you a ride home later then," he said as he pulled out a container with pills from his pockets. He put them down on the nightstand next to the bed and gave me a serious look. "Call me if something happens. Call me if nothing happens. Just call me so I know you're alright."
If something happens. Yeah, I'll call him if I wake up and don't remember where the fuck I am.
"Whatever," I muttered, ignoring the last look he gave me before leaving the room.
I turned to Sparrow, and she mentioned me trying to drive here. I guessed they had told her about my breakdown. I was not very pleased about that fact. I effectively changed the subject when I was reminded about the necklace in my pocket. I told her to close her eyes, before putting it in her hand. I watched her eyes carefully, trying to gauge her reaction to it.
I was not disappointed. Her eyes shone, and it was clear that she loved it.
"I can take this. It's too much," she protested, trying to hand it back to me. I almost wanted to roll my eyes at myself. Of course, my Sparrow was going to be one of those girls. You know the kind who can't accept a gift like a normal person? Of course, she would think she wasn't worth it, but I needed her to accept it, even if it meant I had to lie.
I made her curl her fingers around the necklace, securing it in her hand.
"I got it from a damn gumball machine. It cost me like fifty cents," I lied, hoping that that would be enough for her to accept it. Because who the hell was so proud that they wouldn't even accept a damn gumball machine necklace?
"Really? But it looks so expensive," she replied skeptically.
Please, Sparrow, just fucking take it!
I looked her straight in the eyes as I lied to her once again. "You really think I would buy you… what? A two hundred dollar necklace just for kicks?"
"I guess not," she replied quietly, her cheeks flushing in embarrassment. "But it's nice… thank you."
I studied her face for a second, wondering if I had somehow insulted her. Her smile seemed a little too forced for my liking. Too bad I didn't get a chance to ask her, because there was a knock on the door. It was Jasper. I could tell by the sound of his knock, and I promised myself to never divulge that piece of information to him. If Jasper ever found out that I could tell his knock apart from someone else's, the gay jokes would never end.
I grabbed the necklace from Sparrow's hand, and she looked at me confused as I put it back in my pocket. I didn't know why I did it. Maybe I was afraid that Jasper would recognize it. He already thought I liked her, and if he found out that I had bought a damn two hundred dollar necklace for her, he would probably think there was more to it than that.
"Can I come in, or do I have to spend another hour having a stilted conversation with the social worker? I mean, she's nice and all, but she's making me think maybe I'm the one who needs help," Jasper joked, as he peered into the room. Sparrow gestured for him to come inside, and I took her hand in mine as we shifted our positions on the bed. I couldn't help but smile at her when she looked at me.
"So, I've been patient. I wouldn't mind getting an explanation," Jasper said nonchalantly. I groaned inwardly as Sparrow and I turned our heads to him.
"What do you mean?" Sparrow asked.
"An explanation for… this," he replied, gestured to us holding hands. "What are you guys? Are you like a thing now? Like boyfriend and girlfriend crap?"
Oh, fuck you, dude! What the fuck are you doing bringing that shit up?
It took all of my will power not to voice my thoughts.
"No…no… no, no, no… Of course not. We're just… friends. And, seriously, Jasper? A couple? Are you crazy? Please, we're only friends. Nothing more. Just friends. Never more. Just friends. Don't be crazy. We're just friends. Friends." She spluttered the words out quickly, chuckling nervously as she did so. I frowned a little as I looked down at our clasped hands.
Just friends. Never more. Why the fuck did she almost sound insulted when he asked? And how many "no's" did she think she needed before he got the point? Maybe friends was all there was to us. Maybe we weren't supposed to be more. She shouldn't mean more to me than Alice or Rosalie did. I should have been happy that Sparrow wasn't going to turn into another stalker-girl, like Tanya or some shit.
I should have been.
But I wasn't.
Instead, it felt like she grabbed my sorry excuse for a heart and stomped all over it.
It fucking hurt.
And I didn't understand it.
"Yeah," I mumbled, hoping I sounded indifferent. "Just friends."
I sensed her looking at me, but I ignored it by keeping my eyes steadily on our hands instead.
"Yeah, alright," Jasper said. He probably knew that he had stepped over the line by mentioning it. I couldn't blame him; he probably thought Sparrow was just like all the other girls. "So, Ed, how long are we staying?"
I looked over at Sparrow, smiling sadly. We were friends. Just friends. But was that enough for her to let me stay? I needed her. She worked better than any medication ever would. She soothed me, and I needed to fucking relax for a while. I couldn't do that without her.
"Edward is staying here tonight. I think we need to… talk," she replied, still looking at me. "I'm sure Kate and I can drive him back to Forks tomorrow."
"Well, okay. That's sounds fine to me," Jasper said. "So, Bella… how have you been doing? I'm not gonna lie, but the school is buzzing with gossip about you and your mom." He changed the subject because he probably sensed he was walking in dangerous territory, little did he know that he was stepping into bullshit territory now.
Why the fuck is he still here anyway?
"Those motherfuckers don't know when to shut the hell up. Their own fucking lives are so terribly fucking pathetic that they need to fucking make shit up about other fucking people's shit just to have fucking something to fucking feel better about. Fuck," I muttered.
They made some joke about me never being able to say a sentence without cursing. I wasn't amused. They were fucking ganging up on me, and when she laughed with him, I almost wanted to bash his fucking face in. Was that why she was so quick to deny his accusations about us being a couple? Because she liked him? I glanced at her, seeing her smile at him again.
Fuck. She likes Jasper.
"C'mon, Eddieboy, don't be mad," she teased, and I glared at her.
"You ignored me for five days and then ignored me for another two. So yes, excuse me, but I'll be mad at you for a little while longer." And because you're fucking in love with Jasper, I'll stay mad at you for even longer.
I saw her smile fade, and I didn't even feel bad about it. I almost expected her to apologize or something, but instead she turned it around and made a joke. She was going back into hiding again. By making jokes, she wasn't exposing herself. I was a fucking jerk. I accused her of pushing me away and hiding, when in reality I was the one making her do it.
Jasper asked her when she was coming back to Forks, and she mentioned something about a foster family. "I'm not really looking forward to it, obviously. School is going to be hell," she mumbled.
"I won't let those bitches touch you," I said to her, stroking her hair and tucking it behind her hair. She smiled softly at me, but it didn't feel the same anymore. When she smiled at me now, it just hurt.
"How long have you guys been friends?" Jasper asked. Now he was really starting to piss me off. Why the fuck was he pushing his luck? I looked at Sparrow again, and when she met my gaze, she smiled. A genuine fucking smile. As if the memory of us becoming friends was precious to her.
Friends.
Fuck that shit.
"He brought a pen," she replied, with a smile in her voice.
"And what does that mean? Is it code for… you know? He brought a 'pen' to your 'pen case'?" Jasper asked, sounding confused as he made quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
I'm gonna kick your fucking ass, Jasper Whitlock-Hale.
"We haven't fucked," I snapped, tired of his fucking bullshit. Was he trying to be a dick, or did it come naturally to him now? Had he been hanging out too much with his fucking bitch for a sister? Did he have to keep rubbing it in that I hadn't gotten any action at all in weeks?
"We wouldn't… do that," Sparrow agreed quietly, almost inaudibly. "It's not like we're… nevermind." I glanced at her, seeing her blush and shake her head at herself. What the fuck?
"I was walking around in the middle of the night, and I found a pen on the street right outside the hospital. I took it as a damn sign that I was supposed to go in there," I continued, just wanting to end the fucking story already so maybe Jasper could drop it and go home.
"Right after the accident?" Jasper asked.
"No, it was when I was admitted because I passed out when Tanya pushed me in the hallway," Sparrow replied, cringing at the memory.
"Why have you been keeping it a secret?" Jasper continued.
I shrugged."Because it was easier that way. We knew that people were going to get the wrong idea. They were probably going to think I was using her or something, and she was going to get in trouble with her parents and… it wasn't fucking worth it." Wrong idea. If the wrong idea really was the wrong idea, then why the hell did the wrong idea feel like such a good idea? I looked down at our joined hands, and the corner of my mouth lifted into a smile. "Besides, it has been fucking nice this way. Not needing to explain ourselves to anyone. Just enjoying each other's company." I added, not caring if that made me sound like a fucking pansy. Sparrow squeezed my hand, and I looked up to meet her gaze.
"Are we really enjoying each other's company though?" she asked, her question stabbing me in the chest. Was she fucking serious? "All we do is be emo and feel sorry for ourselves. How is that enjoying each other's company?" I guess she had a point.
"Misery loves company," Jasper mumbled, but he quickly backtracked when we glared at him. "Or so I've heard."
"I beg to disagree though," I argued, smirking at Sparrow. "I remember us having quite fun the morning after we kidnapped you…" I quirked an eyebrow at her, and a blush quickly crept up her cheeks. Jasper shook his head slowly, saying something about him not wanting us to elaborate on that.
I wish there was something on which to elaborate.
He was being summoned by Alice when she sent him a text, and he made some stupid joke about bringing her a pen. Disgusting pig. When he finally left us alone, Sparrow and I turned to look at each other at the same time. I smiled at her as I pulled out the necklace from my pocket again, putting it on her. I didn't know shit about fashion and accessories; all I knew was that that necklace fucking belonged on the hollow of her throat.
"Thank you," she said, touching the delicate sparrow with her fingers.
"Thank you for still breathing," I replied.
She looked at me for a moment, her smile gone in an instant as she suddenly blurted out that her mom had escaped. At first I thought she was joking, but then she said something about someone helping her out. It was all so fucked up. We couldn't catch a break. I told her that.
She almost seemed surprised when I said we were in it together, as if anything else was even possible for us anymore. Live together, die alone, and all that crap.
She leaned her head against my shoulder, and I pressed my lips to her hair, wishing I could press my lips to other parts of her body instead.
"I missed you," I mumbled quietly. "These past few days have been killing me. Do you really need more time?" I stared at her to the point of it being uncomfortable, but I needed to know where she stood.
"I will always need more time," she replied with a shrug.
"I can't give you more time, because I fucking need you, Sparrow."
"Yeah, I know," she whispered, and when she turned her head our faces were so close I could feel her breath on my face.
"I really missed you."
She mouthed something to me, but I didn't know what it was. My mind came up with many different interpretations – all ranging from "I love mushrooms" to "I love your bro" - but I decided not to ask her about it. If she mouthed them, she had probably not intended for me to hear it anyway.
"I'll keep you safe now. Don't worry… I'll keep you safe," I murmured to her.
"But who'll keep you safe from all the dangers in the world?"
"You, of course," I said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "You said you had my back, so I'm counting on you to kick people's asses if they ever give me shit."
"Yeah, I'll clonk them with my crutch," she said, rolling her eyes.
"You've done it before. And I've never been prouder of you… except for now."
"Why now?"
"Because your mom is on the loose, and you're still fucking breathing. You're still sitting here. Breathing. And you have yet to tell me to leave."
"I told you to leave when you got here."
"No, you told Kate to tell me, so that doesn't count. Because I know that if you had been the one answering the door when I got here, then you wouldn't have told me to leave. It's easy to say something when you don't have the person right in front of your face."
"You're basically telling me I'm a chicken, you know that right?"
"You're not a chicken. A chicken would have killed herself a long time ago. You're my sparrow."
We were interrupted by Kate when she knocked on the door. Apparently, I was allowed to stay the night as long as I slept on the couch. She didn't want any "funny business." I wondered if she even knew Sparrow. Did Sparrow seem like a "funny business" kind of girl to her? Fucking idiot.
"This is what we get for going public," Sparrow mumbled. "People immediately get the wrong idea."
"Who the fuck cares what they think?" I snorted. "If they want to think that we're screwing like bunnies or that we are a fucking couple, who gives a shit? Let 'em. People will always talk, so let them fucking talk. It doesn't matter what they think."
"What about your reputation?"
"What about my reputation? What's the big deal if people think I'm fucking you? It's not like I'm fucking a mountain goat for crying out loud."
"Just a goose," she replied dryly.
Was she looking to piss me off? Because she was doing a pretty damn good job doing it. I grabbed her chin roughly, turning her head when she tried to look away from me.
"You're not the fucking goose anymore. And if anyone ever calls you that, I will bash their fucking heads in. You hear me?"
I didn't know what I expected her to say in response. Maybe an "okay" or "whatever you say," but instead she asked, "Wh-wh-why did you kiss me?"
I was not prepared for that. I was not prepared for her to ever mention it to me again. I didn't know if I even wanted her to mention it. She saw me as nothing more than a friend, and friends didn't kiss each other like that. I had probably confused her. Hell, I had confused myself.
Why the fuck did I kiss her?
Because you want to kiss a mountain goat.
Just like I told Emmett.
"Because I…because maybe I just wanted to fuck a mountain goat."
She didn't look amused by my answer, as she pulled my hand from her chin. I didn't even realize how the fuck that sounded until after I said it. She didn't understand what the fuck I meant by that since she didn't know the meaning behind it, so to her I just basically called her a mountain goat.
Nice, Cullen, real nice. Make her feel special.
Fuck you.
"Are you hungry? I'm starving," she said, changing the subject abruptly as she got off the bed.
"I could eat," I mumbled in response.
She barely looked at me for the rest of the afternoon. I tried to come up with something to say or some way to explain the mountain goat thing, but I was coming up short. She wasn't really helping matters either, because she wasn't saying anything at all. I kept myself close to her, because it was all that I could do since I couldn't fucking speak. I wanted to explain to her that she was more than just a friend. I didn't want her to think she was just that to me. She was Sparrow, and that meant something.
But how the hell was I supposed to explain that to her? Without freaking her out, or have her getting mad at me because she got it wrong after I explained it in some backwards way, accidentally comparing her to a hyena or something.
I wouldn't want another mountain goat fiasco.
I glanced at her as we sat together on the couch in the living room watching a movie. She was gnawing on her bottom lip, and I was struck by how something so simple could look so perfect.
How had I never noticed her before?
Sparrow was beautiful.
So… fucking… beautiful.
"I'm going to bed now too," she mumbled suddenly as she got up from the couch. "Good night."
"Good night?" I mumbled, confused. She didn't even look at me as she left.
Fuck. I must have screwed shit up even more than I thought.
What the hell had I said or done that got her that upset?
I heard her go into her bedroom after leaving the bathroom, and I stood up from the couch. I needed to talk to her. Apologize or whatever. I slowly made it to her door, and a moment later, I heard a strangled sob. And then another. And then another.
She was fucking crying.
I silently opened the door. The sound of her sobbing was even more heartbreaking when it wasn't muffled by the door. I made it to the bed and found her with a pillow pressed over her face as her entire body shook with sobs.
Fuck. Did I do this?
I tugged at the corner of the pillow, hoping she would let me remove it from her face. Her eyes were puffy, her cheeks wet, but she was still beautiful. So fucking beautiful.
I made her scoot over so I could lay down next to her. She turned her head away from me, but I wasn't having it. I needed her to look at me. She finally met my gaze with more pain in her eyes than any person her age would be allowed to have. If it hurt me to even look at her, I wondered how painful it was to be her. I needed to set shit straight. I needed her to know how I felt.
I needed her.
But how the fuck was I supposed to explain that to her?
"I kissed you because I wanted to kiss a mountain goat," I murmured, stroking her wet cheek with my finger. She looked confused I didn't blame her for that. But I was hoping the tone behind my words would be enough for her to just… get it.
I leaned down, pressing my lips firmly against hers, and my body reacting accordingly. It seemed as though I had forgotten during these past weeks that I was no more than a damn teenage boy, and of course I would pitch a tent when I was kissing some girl.
Not that Sparrow was just some girl… she was the girl.
I noted that her lips weren't moving as frantically as mine. She seemed hesitant in her movements, and other than the occasional, erratic raising of her chest, she was laying completely still. I stroked her cheek, trying to make her relax and just go with it, but it did nothing to calm her. I took it as a good sign that she at least wasn't pushing me away. She was letting me do this, even though she was not doing much to reciprocate.
"C'mon, Sparrow, I don't bite," I mumbled against her lips before sucking lightly on her plump bottom lip. "Unless you want me to," I added with a lazy smirk. My hand trailed down her stomach, gracing the hem of her top before softly touching her skin underneath. It was as if I had no control of what my hand was doing as it crept higher up under her shirt, and my fingers soon touched her breast.
Fuck, she's not wearing a bra.
My pants suddenly felt ridiculously tight, and I couldn't fucking wait to really touch her. It was as if I didn't even realize she had fucking boobs until that very moment. My hand palmed her breast; my thumb gracing over her nipple, and I was in fucking heaven. My eyes were closed, and I swear to God I growled as I squeezed her breast gently. She's fucking perfect.
She gasped, and her lips parted a little, just enough for me to try to stick my tongue in her mouth. But as soon as my tongue touched her, she recoiled and pushed me away. My hand left her breast, and I felt somehow cheated on the candy.
"Edward, wh-what are you doing?" she asked, sounding a breathless and fucking… scared.
"I'm kissing you. What does it look like I'm doing?" I asked, trying to keep it light by smirking a little as I leaned down to kiss her again. She turned her face away at the last second, so my lips touched her jaw instead. I gripped her chin, turning her head to me so I could meet her gaze. She looked back at me helplessly.
"Please stop… just don't," she whispered, her voice pained.
"Why not?"
"Because I don't want you to… I don't want you to kiss me… to touch me like… that… I just… don't…"
Because she fucking likes Jasper, you idiot. You saw how she looked at him.
"Why not?"
She gave me a tired look and bit her lip for a moment before answering me. "Because you want more than I do. You want to go further… but I can't go further."
Told you, she likes Jasper. She can't go further because she wants to go further with Jasper.
Shut. The. Fuck. Up.
"Why not?" I sounded like a damn broken record, but she just kept giving me answers that didn't leave me much else to say. If she liked Jasper, I wanted her to fucking say it. Or maybe she liked Emmett? Or maybe she found me so repulsive that she rather fuck a dog than me. I didn't fucking care if I was being irrational – she was the one pushing me away. I had every right to be irrational.
How are you any better? You said you wanted to fuck a mountain goat, so what does that say about her?
"I need-"
"If you say you need time one more fucking time I swear to God I'll-"
"I need to be pure, Edward!" she cut me off.
I blinked. Then I blinked again. Then I fucking growled. For real this time.
Fucking… Jacob… Black.
"What the fuck for? For him? You want to stay pure so he can fucking pop your cherry or whatever?" I snapped. "You want him to be your first or some shit?"
Her bottom lip quivered, and she bit down on it. Her eyes welled up with tears as she turned her head away. She refused to look at me.
"I need to be pure…" she whispered, her voice barely audible.
"Why?" I asked with a deep sigh.
"Intercourse is dirty. You should only have intercourse if you're married. Being impure leads to consequences," she mumbled. It was as if she was reciting a book.
I sighed again and sat up on the bed, turning my back to her.
"Your mom is crazy. I've slept with more girls than I care to count, and nothing bad ever happened to me," I argued. She mumbled something in response, but I couldn't make out what it was. I turned my head to look at her.
"Black ice," she said, her voice clearer now. "Black ice happened."
I smiled humorlessly. She was fucking right. Black ice happened.
"But that had nothing to do with me fucking girls just for fun," I replied, and something shifted in her eyes. The pain was replaced by an empty mask. It happened so quickly I barely even noticed the shift.
"Maybe you should go," she replied coldly, holding my gaze.
Something inside me twisted again, and I didn't fucking like it.
"I'm not going anywhere," I replied.
"If you're expecting to sleep with me just for fun, then maybe you should go."
"Bella," I sighed. "That's not what I meant."
"How long has it been since you've been with a girl? A week? Two weeks? Since before the accident? Maybe you feel you need some release, and the only reason you're here, right now, in my bed is because I'm the closest girl here. Not counting Kate, of course." She sounded so cold, almost cruel, and it fucking hurt to hear her talk about me like that.
"You know it's not like that with you."
"How would I know that? What makes me different from all the other girls? Do tell, Edward, I'm dying to hear what you have to say," she replied cruelly. She sat up and scooted away from me on the bed, leaning back against the headboard as she crossed her arms over her chest. I gave her a tired look.
"You should already know what makes you different," I mumbled awkwardly. I had never felt awkward around a girl before. I got girls. Girls were my thing. So how was it that she managed to screw me up completely by just… sitting there?
"You ran me over. That's what makes me different," she muttered.
I glared at her and she met my gaze with teary eyes. She didn't believe what she was saying. She was just trying to hide again. She kept saying she needed time, but the only reason she needed time was so she could hide away for a little while longer. Hide from the chance of feeling better; hide from the risk of getting hurt. Hide from everything. As long as she was hiding there was no risk of unexpected surprises. She felt safe there, because she knew what to expect in her safe bubble. But I wasn't going to let her fucking hide anymore. And by saying all the things she knew would piss me off she was just trying to push me away. Push me away so she could hide. She was a fucking textbook case.
"You're my Sparrow. That's what makes you different," I replied quietly. "It's just sad that I had to run you over to realize it." A tear slipped from her eyes, and she quickly wiped it away with the back of her hand. "You're afraid, I fucking get that. Don't you think I'm fucking afraid? So why the hell can't we be afraid together?"
"Because you're afraid of being alone. I'm not."
My lips twisted into a sarcastic smirk, and I turned around on the bed. I slowly made my way to the top of the bed, basically straddling her when I reached her. She swallowed thickly, her eyes wide as they showed how uncertain and afraid she was now. I was getting under her skin, and she didn't like it. My smirk grew as I hovered over her. My face barely inches from hers as I stared into her eyes.
"I don't kiss people," I told her. "I can't even remember the last time I kissed a girl on the mouth. Someone other than you. So please tell me, Bella, how are you not different?"
"Why do you keep calling me B-Bella?" she stuttered.
"You prefer Sparrow?" I asked, quirking an eyebrow.
"Y-yes."
I leaned in, my nose touching hers. She looked down, but I kept my eyes on hers.
"And how can you not see you're different?" I mused. She looked up again and I smirked. "Can I kiss you now?" She blushed, and that was answer enough for me as I closed the distance between our lips and kissed her again. This time she wasn't as frozen; she hesitantly moved her lips with mine. She was an inexperienced kisser, but then again, so was I. Only difference was that she was insecure and self-conscious while I was not.
It didn't fucking matter. Inexperienced and insecure or not, it was fucking perfect.
I grabbed her hips, pulling at her a little so she would lie back down. Our lips never parted. I laid down with my one leg between hers. I was careful not to touch her injured leg, since I didn't know how sensitive it still was. I stroked her cheek before burying my hand in her hair and firmly holding her head so I could press my lips harder against hers.
Her hands slowly made it up my chest. I expected them to continue upward, but instead they stopped there; she ever so gently pushed me away.
"Time?" I sighed.
"Please?"
"Fine."
I rolled off her, trying to adjust the situation in my pants a little as I sat up. I glanced at her and saw that she noticed. She quickly looked away, a blush creeping up her cheeks within the fraction of a second.
"Why do you keep calling me a mountain goat?" she asked, careful not to look at me. "Am I supposed to expect new nicknames in the form of other animals now? What's next? Piglet?"
I chucked lightly and laid down beside her again.
"No, you're Sparrow," I replied.
"Then what was with the mountain goat thing?"
I stroked her cheek with my finger and smiled at her.
"Has anyone ever told you that you ask too many questions?" I asked.
"Has anyone ever told you that you avoid too many questions?" she retorted with an eye roll.
She gave me a tired look, and my smile faded. A blanket of seriousness was laid over us, and I knew this was one of those time when I had to keep the bullshit to a minimum.
"I like you," I said.
"Well, good, I like you too. What's your point?" she asked, looking confused.
I sighed at her for being so naïve. She really didn't know. She didn't have a fucking clue.
"I like you."
She still looked confused for a moment before realization finally dawned on her. Her eyes went wider than I had ever seen them. Then, just as quickly as realization hit her, she was back to hiding behind that empty mask of hers.
"Ha ha, very funny. You're a real firecracker, Edward," she said slapping my arm and rolling her eyes. "Is that the kind of crap you pull on all the other girls too, just so they will unbutton their pants for you?" She shook her head. "Jesus, Edward… you almost had me fooled," she muttered. She turned to lie on her side with her back to me. "You should go back to the living room. Kate will kill you if she finds you in here."
"Bella…" I began, but she just shook her head.
"Good night, Edward."
I knew there was no point in arguing with her right now. She was tired. I was tired. We were both fucking exhausted. We could put off the fight until tomorrow.
I left the bed, and I threw her one last glance before turning away from her.
Even with her back to me, the tears that were now streaming down her face did not escape my notice.