Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, I just play with them. This story is rated M, and is not suitable for younger readers. Story contains violence, coarse language and sexual "situations". Please do not read if any of these things offends you.
Note: [Beta'ed by: adt216]
Chapter 41 - "Decision"
Isabella Swan POV
I didn't know what compelled me to say it, or how I even dared to put my hands around his neck in such an intimate way without him taking the first step. I tried to tell myself that it was okay, because this was Edward and he had clearly shown that it was okay for us to be… intimate. But I had never taken the initiative before. So when I asked him to kiss me I mostly did it as an experiment. I wanted to know what my boundaries were, was it okay for me to ask for a kiss? Or did he always have to be the one initiating it?
Turns out, it was okay for me to initiate it too, based on how eager he was once we started kissing. He said that my kisses were like a drug to him, and I had come to feel almost the same way. His kisses made me feel things I had never felt before. Yes, it scared the hell out of me because I didn't understand half of it - but it was nice too. I still wasn't sure what exactly we were or what we were doing, but I liked it just the same.
I just didn't expect the kiss to get so… passionate.
I didn't want it to get so passionate; I just wanted a simple kiss. I should have known better than to think that anything with Edward could ever be simple. I knew what kind of life he had lived, or at least what type of relationships he had with girls before me. He expected things. Therefore, it shouldn't have surprised me when he got so passionate, gripping my waist under my shirt almost to the point of it being painful so quickly.
He sucked on my bottom lip in a way that made an embarrassing moan escape from me. I didn't understand where the hell that came from, but the noise seemed to urge him on even more. He was excited; he was aroused. I could tell when I "accidentally" glanced at his crotch.
I felt embarrassed for being pleased with the fact that I could get that kind of reaction from him. I wasn't completely worthless. Yes, Edward was a guy with a reputation of sleeping with anything that had a hole for him to stick his penis, but I knew I was different. He found me… attractive. My mom had been wrong; Jacob was not the only guy out there for me. Maybe Edward was too?
Edward's grip tightened again, and I groaned in discomfort. He must have misinterpreted the sound, however, because soon all the wrong words escaped him.
"If we fucked against a wall, we wouldn't need to think about your leg," he said randomly. Or I should say moaned, because all those words came out as a series of strangled moans.
I did not appreciate his words. Not even a little bit. I had made it clear to him that I was not ready for anything of the sort, and he understood. At least I thought he did. Why did he have to blurt those words? They didn't even make any sense. I froze, because there was nothing else I could do, and he pulled back completely to look at me. At least he noticed that I wasn't responding. I was surprised to see that he looked absolutely terrified as he looked back at me.
"Oh, fuck, Sparrow… I didn't mean… fuck… yeah I meant… but not now!" he spluttered quickly, sounding so ashamed. As he talked, I looked over his shoulder, finding myself staring right into Rosalie's eyes. When did she get here? How long had she been standing there? She was looking at us with a mixture of confusion, amusement and annoyance in her eyes, and I wondered if I should say something.
"Oh, sweet lord, I sure hope not. But if you do, please make sure it's your own damn wall." She smirked as she said it, crossing her arms over her chest and looking very pleased with herself. Edward stiffened beside me – and no, not that part of him.
"Ever heard of knocking, Rosalie?" he asked, his voice laced with false calm.
"Yes, but I didn't think I needed to when Jasper said that Bella was down here with you," she replied. "But apparently I was wrong. My bad."
"What are you even doing here?" he asked, turning his head to glare at her.
"Excuse me?" she replied, sounding offended. "I live here."
Edward rolled his eyes and had yet to remove his hands from my waist. At least he wasn't gripping so tightly anymore. I put my hands on his to remove them from me, and he turned his head to me, giving me a weird look that I couldn't read.
"Anyway, Bella," Rosalie said, looking at me now. "Mrs. Weber came by and wanted you to go home. She said it was important."
"Oh, okay," I said, feeling confused. I grabbed my crutches, smiling at Edward as he helped me lift my leg down from the table without me even having to ask. He smiled timidly in response as he helped me stand up. He stroked my arm, and I looked away before I started walking towards the stairs. I felt Rosalie's eyes on us, and soon she walked up behind me.
"You have some explaining to do, little girl," she said quietly, her voice scarily close to my ear. I turned my head as we reach the top of the stairs, and she opened the door for us. She smirked as she noticed my terrified expression. "Emmett is going to get a kick out of this."
"Please, don't… don't tell him. Don't tell anyone," I pleaded.
Her smirk faded, and she looked mystified. "You are aware of the fact that it was Edward Cullen you were making out with down there, right? You had Edward Cullen apologize for making some crude comment about fucking you against a wall," she said, raising her eyebrows. "Why wouldn't you want to tell people?"
"Because it's none of their business," I replied quietly.
"So, nobody knows?" she asked, skeptically.
I shrugged. "What's there to know?" I replied weakly.
"Don't play games with me, Swan," she said, rolling her eyes. "You know what I mean."
"Yes, Jasper knows," I admitted with a sigh.
"Figures that bastard wouldn't tell me," she said, sounding annoyed. "Well, you should leave now, and I'm going to have a talk with my brother."
She disappeared into another room, and I walked over to the front door. As soon as I stepped out, the first car I noticed was the last car I wanted to see. I recognized the license plate number; I knew exactly who this car belonged to.
A police cruiser. Dad's police cruiser.
I reluctantly made it over to the front door of my new home, feeling awkward. Was I supposed to knock or walk right in? I lived here now so I shouldn't need to knock. But my nerves got the best of me, and I knocked anyway.
The door opened, and Mrs. Weber gave me a weird look before stepping aside and letting me in.
"Why are you knocking, Bella?" she asked. "You live here now."
"My dad is here," I said, and she nodded.
"Yes, he's in the living room," she replied softly. "He wants to talk to you."
"Is that… you know… allowed?" I asked, and she nodded again.
"It's allowed, but if you don't want to see him, you don't have to. It's completely up to you."
I took a deep breath and pondered her words. Did I want to see him? He turned his back on me at the hospital; I hadn't even spoken to him since. Why would I want to see him?
To show him you're not weak. You're not afraid.
I almost wanted to laugh. Those words weren't coming from me. It was like Edward was sitting on my shoulder, whispering in my ear and telling me what to do. It was kind of comforting.
I steadied myself on my crutches, trying to keep my back straight as I made my way into the living room. Dad was sitting in a chair, and when I came in he immediately stood up. He looked at me with a world of unsaid apologies in his eyes. I took a shaky step, slowly turning my head to meet his gaze.
"Hello, Bella," he said, the corner of his mouth lifting into a sad smile. He looked uncertain, and that made me feel a little better. At least he had the decency to be nervous. "How are you?"
I shook my head. I wasn't answering that.
"How's Mom?" I asked instead. I saw him tense where he stood, and I quirked an eyebrow at him.
"She's..." He coughed and looked highly uncomfortable now. "She's still at large."
"Of course she is," I replied dryly. "Cops are blind as bats."
"Now, Bella, I know you are upset, but there's no reason to stoop to that level," he chided.
I snorted quietly, looking at him incredulously. Was he lecturing me about stooping to low levels? This coming from the man who didn't even notice his wife was insane.
"Why are you even here?" I asked with a tired sigh. I just wanted it to be over with already.
"I came here to ask you if you wanted to spend Christmas at home," he replied. "I doubt you would want to spend it with strangers," he trailed off, giving Mrs. Weber an apologetic smile. "No offense, Mrs. Weber."
"None taken, Chief Swan," she replied with a strained smile.
"I know it won't be a normal Christmas, since I'm also still under investigation by the CPS, and your mother won't be there. Still, it's Christmas. So, what do you say, kiddo?" he asked, turning to me again.
There were no words to describe how much I hated my father at that moment. I slowly let go of one of my crutches, leaning it against the nearest side table. Then I, ever so slowly, pulled up the sleeves on my shirt. I don't know what possessed me to do it, but he hadn't seen them since it happened. He had only seen the wounds – not the scars. I had always been so protective of them, careful not to let them show. It had always been clear that he also wanted to pretend they weren't even there. Who was I to deny him his perfect delusions?
I wasn't ashamed of my scars anymore. I was only ashamed of the fact that I had been so weak. If I had been stronger I wouldn't have gotten them in the first place. I should have fought her off. But I didn't.
"This," I said to him, holding out my arms, showing him and Mrs. Weber my scars, "is why I will never set my foot inside your house again. Your wife is crazy, and you were too blind to see it. I will forever carry with me what your wife did to me."
"Your mother isn't coming back, Bella," he replied cautiously. "She's not allowed to see you."
"Yeah? You think that's gonna stop her?" I asked, snorting.
"Bella, I am your father," he said. I could tell he was getting frustrated. "I haven't done anything to you."
I smiled darkly and picked up my crutch again. "Yes, Dad, you haven't done anything to me. And that's the whole point. If you take a look back on these past few months… can you honestly say you ever did anything to or for me? You always cared more about Mom. I mean nothing compared to her."
"You know that's not true. You're my daughter. I love you."
"Well, you're not my father," I said coldly. I meant it figuratively of course, just like I didn't consider Renée to be my mother anymore, but the reaction I got from him was weird. All the blood drained from his face, and he looked like he had seen a ghost.
"I am," he said, but his voice held no authority. It was almost as he was uncertain himself, which made no sense to me. Why would he be uncertain about being my father?
"Just because it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, doesn't mean it is a duck," I replied. "Besides, you don't walk like a duck… you only speak like one when you're being cornered."
"What exactly happened that night, Bella?" he asked with a tired sigh.
"You don't know?" I asked skeptically. "Well, Mom decided to play with Jacob and Billy in the middle of the night. They brought me down to the party, and Mom sliced my arms open and drank my blood directly from my veins. That's what happened."
"Billy and… Jacob?" His eyes widened.
"Oh dear God," I complained, rolling my eyes. "I thought somebody would have filled you in on everything by now."
"I suppose the version you told Dr. Jenks didn't cover everything," he replied. "Have you even spoken to the police yet?"
I sighed. Yes, I had spoken to the police, and the doctors, and the CPS, and… a hell of a lot of people. Kate helped me through it all. She sat by my side and talked when I couldn't, when it all became too much. Those four days after I was taken away were a blur, maybe my mind decided to make them a blur because it was easier to handle than reality. To speak openly about what happened with people that believed every word I said was frightening and unnerving. I kept wondering when it would fall down on me, and I would wake up to realize it was all just a dream.
I shook my head.
"I'm not celebrating Christmas with you. I don't care if it's supervised or anything. I'm never gonna spend another holiday with you. Or anything else for that matter," I said quietly, looking down at my feet.
"Bella, be reasonable… don't be a child about this," he pleaded.
I smiled humorlessly and shook my head to myself. He was so blind and stupid. Did he even realize exactly what kind of trauma I had been through? What exactly I had lived through? What almost killed me? He didn't understand, because he was blind. He only saw what he wanted to see.
"Have you spoken to Mommy Dearest?" I asked.
He nodded. "I've spent some time in Seattle. She escaped shortly after I left."
"And you saw her… what, daily?" I asked, and he nodded again. "Wow, and how many times did you call me?" He didn't answer, and I chuckled darkly. "Exactly, and now you want me to spend Christmas with you? What are you trying to prove, Charlie? Are you trying to show the town that you're not a complete fuck-up? That you are the picture perfect dad? That you didn't turn your back on me at the hospital after you found out? That you spent days with your crazy wife instead of with your daughter? What is wrong with you?"
"Maybe you should leave now, Chief," Mrs. Weber intervened, putting a hand on my shoulder.
"Yes, you should," I said, walking over to my bedroom.
"Bella, be reasonable," he pleaded, and I scoffed before slamming my door closed behind me.
x x x x x
The next morning, I ate breakfast together with Angela. The reverend had already left for the morning. He seemed thankful that he didn't need to drive me today – he had already made a point of thanking Jasper himself over the phone the night before. Mrs. Weber was also out.
Eating breakfast with Angela was, well, weird. She didn't speak, but she kept glancing at me and opening her mouth as if she was about to say something. But each time, she caught herself and decided to bring her spoon to her mouth instead.
I was almost done with my breakfast when she finally decided to speak.
"Is it true?" she asked.
"Is what true?"
"The thing you said yesterday when your dad was here… did your mother really… drink your blood?" she asked, sounding nervous. She tried to meet my gaze, but as soon as she did she looked back down. I bit my lip and wondered what I was supposed to say. I didn't realize she had been home, but it only made sense. Why wouldn't she have been home? I guess I had been too occupied with the current situation to even consider the fact that people could overhear us. I sighed deeply and nodded.
"Yeah, it's true," I admitted. There was no reason to lie.
She looked up again, this time her eyes wide with shock.
"How… how is that even possible?" she asked.
I shrugged.
"Ask her. She's the crazy one," I replied.
I grabbed my empty mug, wobbling my way to the kitchen sink and put it there along with the other dirty dishes, before making it to my room to grab my book bag.
A few minutes later, there was a knock on the front door. I went to open and found Jasper leaning casually against the wall, smiling at me.
"Ready to go?" he asked, and I nodded. Angela was getting a ride with Ben, so we didn't need to wait for her.
Jasper didn't ask if I needed help to get in the car. All he did was take my crutches and put them in the backseat before getting in behind the wheel. Not that I had any trouble getting in, I was just surprised he didn't offer me any help. If it had been Emmett – or even Edward – he would have been all over it.
I smiled at the thought. Yes, Edward. He would most certainly have helped me.
"Did Rosalie talk to you yesterday?" I asked, breaking the silence. He chuckled and nodded. "Was she angry? What did you tell her?"
"No, she wasn't angry. She was more surprised than anything else. I don't blame her. It's all very… surprising," he said, smirking a little. "She said she caught you guys making out."
I felt myself blush, and he chuckled quietly when he noticed, but it soon died out along with his smirk.
"She also said Edward made a comment about… well, yeah," he said giving me an awkward glance, and I slumped in my seat.
"Yeah, he did," I admitted. "He keeps pushing it even though I've already told him I won't go there with him."
It was weird that I could speak openly about this with Jasper. For some reason I almost felt as if I trusted him now too. Jasper had never played any games; he always spoke his mind and never lied. If he didn't like something, he would say so, just like he had by the fence the other day. I felt myself shrink inside; did he still think what Edward and I was doing was wrong? Was he still opposed to our relationship – if that was what this was?
"What's wrong?" he asked, noticing the change.
"Can I ask you something?" I asked.
"You just did," he replied with a smile. I rolled my eyes at his joke. "But feel free to ask something else too," he added.
"When we spoke the other day, in the back yard, you said that what Edward did was wrong… does that mean you're not really… accepting of whatever the hell it is that he and I are doing?"
"What do you mean?" he asked, sounding puzzled.
"I mean, you said it was wrong. Did you mean that we were wrong? That we shouldn't be together?"
"No, not at all," he protested. "I meant that what he did was wrong. He shouldn't be pressuring you about that stuff. He should have pushed you so far to the point where you actually considered giving him what he wanted just because you thought that was the only thing keeping him with you."
"Oh."
He glanced at me quickly. "In all honesty, Bella, I have nothing against you personally, and if you want to pursue a real relationship with the guy, then more power to you. You got him by the balls, so to speak. I've never seen him act like the way he does around you. You own him, and whatever you chose to do, he will be right there with you. He's not leaving your side."
"How can you be so sure?" I asked, feeling doubtful.
He smiled again, looking content. "Because the way he looks at you is the way Emmett looks at my sister, how I look at Alice. There is no faking that. It's love in its purest form."
I looked at him incredulously as the L word left his lips. "Love? Edward doesn't love me. He likes me, sure. But love?" I snorted and shook my head.
The whole concept was ridiculous. I could barely entertain and accept the idea of Edward liking me, so to throw love into that equation was just insanity.
"How do you feel about him, if you don't mind me asking," he asked.
I opened my mouth to reply, but no words came out. How did I feel about him? I had never even really thought about it like that. I never considered I had feelings too in all of this; I had always been thinking about Edward's point of view and whatever he was thinking or feeling.
"I… I… I don't hate him?" I replied, feeling confused by my own feelings. What did I feel?
Jasper laughed and nodded. "Always a start." He chuckled again, shaking his head to himself. "So, does that mean you want a friendship with him, or do you want… more?"
"I don't even know what more would entail for me," I replied honestly. "All I know is that Edward wants more, and I know I'm not the one that can give it to him."
"Why is that?" he asked. "I mean no disrespect, if you don't want to have sex with him that's cool. I'm just wondering why. When Edward told me what he did, I was mad at him for pressuring you because you've been through hell… but now, when you say it like that, it makes me wonder if there's more to it. Is it sex with him that you're opposed to or sex all together?"
I wanted to roll my eyes. Sex. It felt like that was what it would always come down to. Sex was all that mattered to people, and if you didn't want to have it you were a freak. I already knew I was a freak, so my issues with sex were only adding to the quota.
"I'm sorry if my questions are making you uncomfortable," he said when I had been quiet for a few moments. "I didn't mean to, I was just… you know, making conversation."
I smiled weakly at him and sighed deeply.
"My mom is crazy, and maybe she's always has been, but I didn't realize that until a few months ago." I sighed; dread washing over me as the words spilled out of my mouth. "During my whole upbringing my mom taught me that sex was bad, and that sex was not for pleasure… at least not for the girl. Sex is for reproduction, and for the man's pleasure. I never questioned it because it made sense… sex is for reproduction and only the man needs to get pleasured for babies to happen." I shrugged, trying to act casual even though it hurt to admit all this out loud to him.
He was quiet for a moment before replying.
"You really believed her? That sex is… bad? That pleasure isn't for the girl?" he asked, sounding confused and not judging. "I mean, that's ridiculous. Why would you believe something like that? This is the 21st century. Sex is not taboo anymore."
I shrugged again. "She taught me that from a young age… she didn't speak of it every day or anything like that. It wasn't a bigger deal than her teaching me about the importance of brushing your teeth. It was just that, every time the topic of sex ever was brought up, she made sure I knew that sex was not for my pleasure. Even when I wasn't in the conversation, like when she was speaking to a friend or something, she would still say it… so why wouldn't I believe her?" I sighed deeply. "And I can't say that anything has ever told me differently. I mean, Edward used to take random girls into the janitor's closet just so he could get some pleasure. He didn't give a crap about the girl. So, yeah… sex benefits the guy, never the girl."
Jasper was quiet, and I smiled sadly as I looked out the window.
"All parents teach their kids different things and beliefs. This was my mother's," I added.
"So you agree that it is a belief and not the truth?" he asked. I shrugged. "It doesn't sound like you believe it though… you sound skeptical. Maybe you're just looking for an excuse to keep yourself safe from harm? Because I don't get it. If sex really is just for the guy… then why wouldn't you give it to him?"
"Because I need to be pur-" I cut myself off before I ended the sentence. What was I doing?
I glanced at Jasper with panic-stricken eyes, and he was staring at me too.
"Pure?" he ended it for me. I bit down on my lip, not saying anything. "What does that mean?"
There was a knock on my window, and I jumped in surprise. It didn't occur to me until then that we had reached the school already, and were now parked outside, right next to Crowley's big, dark blue van. I turned my head and found Edward looking back at me with a confused expression. He opened the door for me and held out his hand.
I forced a smile at him.
Yes, I had been right. Edward would help me.
I got out of the car, and Jasper followed suit. Edward got the crutches for me from the back, and when I had steadied myself, he leaned in to kiss me. Just as his lips were going to connect with mine, I turned my head away from him. He pulled back, giving me a hurt look, and I looked away again. I couldn't stand the hurt.
"Thanks for the ride, Jasper," I said turning to Jasper. He threw his bag over his shoulder and nodded.
"Anytime, Bella," he said, sounding honest. "And if you don't mind, I would like to continue the conversation sometime… it was interesting."
I smiled and shook my head. "It was not interesting," I argued.
"Yes, it was," Jasper argued back softly with a smirk. "It's always interesting to see how the human mind works. Yours especially." He scanned the parking lot, smiling as he probably spotted Alice. He glanced at me again, his smile genuine. "I'm not judging you or anything. I just find it fascinating what you said because it was so obvious you didn't believe it."
I felt Edward's hand on my lower back, and he took a step closer to me. I kept my eyes on Jasper.
"Why so?" I asked, not liking what he had suggested in the car about me wanting to hide.
"Because you're smarter than that. I'm sure you didn't even believe it when you were growing up. I bet you were always doubtful. But this is maybe the first time you're getting some firsthand experience on the subject, and that scares you, so you decide to hide behind those beliefs to keep from being hurt," he rambled.
I wrinkled my nose to show my displeasure, and he chuckled.
"See, I'm right, aren't I?" he asked. I didn't answer, which he obviously took as a yes. "I'm going to see my lady now. I'll see you two at lunch." He winked at me before walking off, and I followed him with my eyes until Edward couldn't take it anymore and tugged at my arm.
I turned my head to him, and if eyes could pout I was pretty sure his were.
"What did I miss?" he asked quietly.
"Jasper thinks he knows everything," I muttered.
"Tell me about it," he snorted. "The man knows fucking nothing." He pressed his lips to my hair right above my ear.
"Please, remind him of that," I said. "I don't appreciate his insinuations."
"What did he insinuate? You want me to kick his fucking ass for you?" he asked, sounding completely serious. I shook my head. "So what did you guys talk about? Should I be worried?"
I smiled and shook his head.
"I'm fine; he's fine. Everything is fine."
"Good," he said, leaning in again to kiss my lips. But also this time, I turned my head just as he was about to touch mine. He pulled back, frowning deeply and looking frustrated. "All is fucking fine, huh? What the fuck?"
"Edward, not here," I pleaded with him. He took a step away from me, no part of him touching me any longer.
"Not here," he echoed. "So we're still gonna play the hiding game?" he said, sounding mean. "Fuck that."
He stormed off, and I closed my eyes, taking a few calming breaths before opening my eyes and stepping out from the safe spot behind the van. I spotted Jasper and the others as I stepped out into the open. They were looking at me, and Jasper was looking concerned.
I looked down and made my way towards the stairs. I hoped they weren't going to follow me.
They didn't.
For some reason I was disappointed.
x x x x x
First period with Alice was bearable. She didn't ask me any questions about Edward, or anything else for that matter. But I could tell she was having a hard time keeping silent. I wondered what Jasper had told her and the others. Had he told them everything?
Soon, lunch rolled around, and I was nervous. I hadn't seen Edward since this morning, and I didn't know where his head was at. Was he still angry?
Jasper and Alice met me by my locker. Alice left for the bathroom as Jasper, and I continued toward the cafeteria. I decided to take the moment to ask him.
"Have you told anyone?" I asked quietly. "Have you told Alice?"
He chuckled quietly.
"I haven't told anyone, and I'm pretty sure Rosalie hasn't either. But I'm also pretty sure that Alice already knows something is up. As for Emmett? He thinks Edward was threatening you again this morning. So he's probably still in the dark."
"Have you seen him? Edward, I mean? He got mad at me this morning… haven't seen him since."
He shook his head. "No, haven't seen him," he said, frowning a little. "Why was he mad?"
"Because I didn't let him kiss me," I mumbled. "I told him I didn't want to go public with whatever it is that we have, and he doesn't agree with me…"
"You're afraid of what people will say and think," he noted, not making it a question.
"My life is complicated enough as it is… I don't need the added scrutiny," I muttered.
We got our lunch, and he helped me carry my tray to our table.
Yeah, our table.
We sat down by the round table and were soon joined by the others. I was surprised when Rosalie sat down next to me, but I didn't say anything about it. Emmett was sitting next to her, with Jasper next to him. The seat between me and Alice remained vacant. I wondered if that was done on purpose. Did Alice know?
I had no appetite. I mainly picked at my food while the others talked about nothing in general. It wasn't until the talking ceased – and not just at our table – that I looked up. Edward stood by the empty chair, looking down at me. His eyes told me he was sorry, but his face did not.
"If you're here to cause more trouble, bro, maybe you should keep on walking," Emmett warned him.
Edward quirked an eyebrow at me, almost looking amused.
"Am I causing trouble, Sparrow?" he asked me. I smiled at the nickname, and that he dared to use it in front of his friends and brother.
"No, I don't think you are," I replied.
"Good." He pulled out the chair and sat down on it. It did not escape my notice that he pushed it a little closer to mine as he sat down. He rested his arm on the back of my chair, still looking at me with those apologetic eyes and cold face. It was such a weird combination.
"We're good," I told him, accepting his unsaid apology.
"Good," he said again, licking his lips and looking at mine. I almost wanted to laugh. Did he really want to kiss me that badly? I shook my head at the thought, as I turned my gaze back to my food.
"So, you guys have made peace or something?" Emmett asked, pointing at us with his spork while looking highly confused. A snort-laugh escaped Rosalie, and she covered her mouth up with her napkin.
"Yeah, or something," she mumbled, smiling from behind her napkin.
Edward smiled crookedly at me. "Mind taking a walk with me? Or you wanna stay and finish your lunch?" I shook my head and pushed the tray away.
"I don't mind a walk… or a wobble in my case," I replied.
Edward got up and pulled my chair out for me. I grabbed my crutches and got up. Emmett stared at us as we left, but he was not the only one. The amount of people following us with their eyes on our way out was even worse than when I got back from the hospital after the accident. These people were confused, and I didn't blame them.
We made it out of the room alive, and as we walked down, the people we passed looked at us in fascination. Since we weren't holding hands or anything, and Edward looked unhappy. I bet they assumed we were fighting, and that things soon would turn very ugly.
"I don't know where we can go where people won't spot us." He sighed after a moment.
"I think I know a place… but it does involve stairs," I replied.
"I won't let you fall," he said seriously.
"I know you won't," I said, smiling softly at him. "C'mon, let me show you."
I led him to the second floor and towards the restricted wing. Edward gave me a curious look as I snuck under the restriction tape - which was kind of awkward with my crutches and all. He followed, not saying a word as I led him to the music room. It looked exactly like I had left it all those weeks ago. I hadn't been here since those few days before the accident.
Edward looked around, looking amused.
"The old music room," he said, his voice echoing in the almost empty room. "I haven't been here in years."
I sat down on the bench by the piano. Edward soon joined me. He straddled the bench and looked at me. I turned my head to meet his gaze.
"What did you and Jasper talk about this morning?" he asked. "You seemed upset."
"You."
"Me?"
I nodded.
"What about me?"
"Sex… pressure… relationships…"
He looked confused and aggravated. I put my hand on his cheek and stroked it gently with the back of my hand. He hadn't shaved in a few days. I smiled. I liked the scruff.
"I don't mean to fucking pressure you," he said in his defense. "And that comment I made about fucking you against the wall in the basement was… that was just shit that came out because my brain filter obviously wasn't in effect."
"So you didn't mean them?"
He groaned.
"Of course I fucking meant them. I won't lie. I want to fuck you. But I'm not gonna pressure you about it. I want to do it your way… whatever way that may be. I'm not gonna hurt you, and pressuring you is hurting you, I know that."
I frowned. "Do you? Do you really?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean that you are pressuring me. Every time you lean in for a kiss and get mad at me for not following through… that's pressure. It's like I have to play it your way, or you'll get angry. And I don't want you to be angry with me."
"Fuck that. You actually want me to apologize for wanting to kiss my fucking girlfriend?"
My eyes widened, and he looked back at me in horror. We stared at each other for what felt like an eternity. Did he just utter that word? Did he just utter that word in association with me? Did he mean it?
Neither of us dared to say anything. The silence was growing more and more awkward.
We had not been "intimate" for very long – the kissing thing had not been going on for that long. And he was already referring to me as his girlfriend? Wasn't this getting a little too serious too fast?
Yes. Yes, it was.
I could not be his girlfriend and be everything that that entailed. Not yet. I was not ready for that role. I was not ready for that kind of responsibility.
"I… I need to go," I said, stumbling to my feet.
"Bella," he pleaded. "Don't… I didn't…"
I inhaled deeply and breathed out slowly before looking down at him.
"I can't be that girl for you, Edward, I just can't," I mumbled, feeling my throat close up and my eyes welling up with tears. "I want everything for you, but I can't give it to you. I'm damaged, and you deserve better than damaged."
"Bella." His face contorted in pain, as if my name alone caused him pain.
I shook my head, but he wasn't having it.
"I'm fucking damaged too! I'm fucking broken. My brain isn't working right and all I fucking do is screw shit up. I'm not fucking perfect, and I don't deserve anything better than damaged. And I know that you are more than what I deserve. But I want you. Only you."
My lip quivered, and I bit down on it. Hard. I hated to hear him sound so desperate. He didn't use the word need today; he used the word want. There was a big difference, and maybe that was why it was going to be easier for me to let the next words out.
"I'm not going to lie to you, Edward. I think you need help. I think you should talk to your dad and get in contact with a professional. Those blackouts can't be healthy, and you need help with that, along with your PTSD," I said, as gently as I could.
"Are you saying you don't… want me?" he asked, his voice barely audible.
"I can't be your girlfriend, Edward."
"Can't be, or don't want to be?" he asked, sounding so vulnerable that it almost killed me.
I didn't know how to answer that question, and apparently my silence was even worse of an answer for him. He got up on his feet, staring at me with a mixture of anger and pain in his eyes. I hated myself for making him look at me like that. I had promised myself to never see him in pain again, and here I was, making it happen all by myself. This was all on me.
"I guess it's not just guys who play around with other people's fucking feelings, huh?" he spat. "For someone so fucking innocent, you sure know how to crush someone. I fucking admitted to you that I liked you, and you let me believe you felt the same way. But now you don't. What the fuck changed?"
"I spoke to Jasp-"
"Jasper? Jasper? Again with his shit!" He threw out his arms in a wide gesture, and I took a stumbling step backwards as I was afraid of him hitting me. "This is between you and me, Sparrow, so why the fuck would anything that he says matter to you?"
"If this is all between you and me, then why is it so important to you that you can kiss me in public?" I retorted.
He inhaled deeply, breathing out slowly through his nose. His nostrils flaring in anger; his eyes absolutely livid. There had only been a handful of times that I had been genuinely afraid of Edward. This was one of those times.
"Why? You're asking me fucking why?" He took an angry step towards me, and I took one back. "You're fucking priceless!" He was yelling now, gesturing so wildly with his arms that I was sure he was going to hit me now. I closed my eyes, just waiting for the blow. "I want to fucking do all that shit because I lo-"
"EDWARD!" We snapped our heads in the direction of the voice. I almost wanted to cry in relief when we spotted Jasper. He quickly walked over to us, stepping in between and pushing Edward back.
"Back off, dude, this doesn't concern you," Edward said through clenched teeth. "This is not your business."
"Edward, man," Jasper said slowly, his voice calm. "You do realize you were about to hit her, right?"
Edward looked at Jasper as if he had just grown a second head.
"No, I wasn't," he protested, but then as he met my gaze he realized it was true. His angry mask fell, leaving nothing but pain and sadness in its wake. "God, Sparrow, I'm sorry… I didn't mean to. You know I would never hurt you!"
"I know," I replied, forcing a smile, but it probably came out as a grimace. "But you need help. Help that I can't give you. And I can't… I can't be what you need me or want me to be before you do."
"Sparrow," he pleaded, but I shook my head. I wanted to give him the world - but I could not give him this. I wasn't ready yet – and I doubted he was either. He may act like he was, but he had so many issues to deal with first.
"I'm not leaving you, Edward," I said, trying to find a way to reassure him. "I'll be with you every step of the way if you want me to. But I can't be that person for you."
Jasper had taken a step back, knowing now that Edward wouldn't hurt me. His eyes darted between us as if he was watching a tennis match.
I had a feeling Edward would never get help for all his issues if he wasn't forced to. He needed to be forced the right way by the right person. I had a feeling that I very well could be that person. Maybe my words would be enough for him to finally get better. Even if it hurt us both in the process.
He took a step back, then another.
"I'll be here, I promise," I told him again. "I'm here for you."
He slowly shook his head.
"No. No, you're not."
"Edward, you know me. I just want what's best for you."
"You're what's best for me!" he protested loudly, his voice echoing in the room.
"No, not right now I'm not."
He was slowly breaking apart in front of me. Piece by piece he broke. I tried to tell myself that it was for the best, because if he didn't break apart we wouldn't be able to build him back up. We needed to get him better. Right now, all the pieces were glued together in a form that made no sense. We needed to break all those pieces down. Glue him back together the way he was supposed to be.
"Edward, do you care about me?" I asked quietly. He nodded without hesitance. "Would you do anything for me if I asked you to?" Again, a nod without hesitance. "Then please, do this for me. Get help."
His entire demeanor changed. His shoulders slumped and it almost looked like he was going to fall down. The last piece had been taken away. All pieces were around him now.
"I love you," he whispered.
My breath caught in my throat at his words, tears welling up so fast in my eyes that I had to blink to get rid of them. I tried to find the right way to respond, but he never gave me the chance. He was out of the room before I even got the chance to process what had happened. Jasper looked at me, his eyes pained too.
Jasper sighed quietly.
"I told you so."