Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, I just play with them. This story is rated M, and is not suitable for younger readers. Story contains violence, coarse language and sexual "situations". Please do not read if any of these things offends you.

Note: [Beta'ed by: adt216]

Chapter 43 - "Home"

Isabella Swan POV

Thirty hours. Forty hours. Two weeks. A month. Three months? Time had no value anymore. It felt as if I had been awake for years, but it had probably only been a day and a half. I didn't dare to fall asleep because who knew where I would be or what shape I would be in when I woke up?

Who knew if I would be waking up at all?

It had been a little over a day since I last saw or heard from Edward, but it might as well have been a month. I hadn't seen him since he left the music room. I had wanted to go after him, to apologize and make everything all right again, but Jasper had held me back, telling me that Edward needed some space. I may or may not have hit Jasper on his shin with my crutch when he said that. I had been so frustrated with the whole situation that I needed some kind of outlet for it. Jasper had been close, and my crutch was my weapon. He had cursed and glared at me, but he didn't say anything about it. I guess he understood why I did it.

I had tried to call Edward when I got home – he never made it to any of his other classes – but he never picked up. I wondered if he was ignoring me. As I kept calling him, and my calls remained unanswered I took that as my answer.

Edward wanted nothing more to do with me.

It felt wrong to jump to conclusions like that. Maybe he just needed time to cool off, but if that was the case, then why couldn't he just tell me? I would have given him space. By ignoring me he just made matters worse.

I cursed myself. I hated myself for pushing him away like I had in the music room, but what other choice did I have? He kept pushing for something neither of us was ready for. We would break each other's hearts if we got romantically involved before we had settled our issues. A part of me was afraid that he didn't mean it. His mind wasn't where it was supposed to be. Who knew if he really meant what he said? Maybe his declaration of love and desire to be with me were just a product of his messed up mind, and as soon as he got his stuff figured out he would realize he didn't want anything to do with me. He told me himself that he knew he was messed up and that his mind didn't work right. So what happened the day when it got "fixed?"

He would leave.

Again.

I closed my eyes and hugged my pillow to my chest.

But he said that he loved me.

His soul had been naked; his eyes completely open for me to read when he told me that he loved me. It wasn't a lie. It couldn't have been. No matter how messed up he was, there was no way he couldn't have meant what he said while looking at me like that. He had been completely exposed.

He loved me.

But did I love him?

I had never really considered it. It had always been about Edward and what he was feeling. But what about my feelings? Edward wanted me to be his girlfriend – but did I want that? Did I want Edward as my boyfriend? I doubted it mattered now. I pushed him too far. He wanted nothing to do with me. I crushed him. He said so himself.

I could hear my cell phone ring in the other room, and soon I heard the familiar steps from the police officer. He pushed open the door and handed me the phone. He smiled at me with a pitiful gaze as I took the phone. I took a deep breath before pressing the button to answer.

"Hello?" My voice cracked on the simple word. It hurt to even say.

I could hear her breathing being mixed with the sound of traffic on the other end.

"Bella? My baby," my mom cooed. I looked up at the officer and he made a gesture that told me to keep talking, to keep her on the line. I needed to have her talk for at least ninety seconds, or else they wouldn't be able to trace the call.

"M-Mom," I stuttered. "Wh-what do you want?"

"We're preparing for the big ceremony. We will come and get you as soon as everything is done. I'm afraid that we will have to do the cleansing ritual, just to make sure. I know about the boy, who visited you at night, and the Black Swan cannot rise unless you're clean, you know that." She sighed deeply. "I can't believe you didn't protect your virtue better. You know how important this is."

I hated her voice. I hated her words. I hated her.

I squeezed my eyes shut.

"I got to go now, sweetie," she said. "But don't worry, everything will be alright. You will be pure again and we'll be a family. I forgive you for lying to the doctors and the police. I know you're just afraid of the future… but you don't need to be. Jacob will take good care of you. See you soon, baby."

She hung up and the phone slipped from my hand.

"Was it enough?" I asked quietly.

The officer glanced out the door, asking his partner who sat in the living room with the equipment. He sighed before looking back at me.

"I'm afraid not," he replied. "But we'll get her next time."

Next time. Yeah right.

Mom wasn't stupid. She knew they were trying to trace her calls, and that was why she kept them short. She had kept them short ever since she started calling me yesterday when I got home from school. She had called ten times since then.

Ten times and we still hadn't gotten a fix on her location.

My mom wasn't stupid.

And now it was just a matter of time before she got me.

x x x x x

Mom started calling me an hour after I came home from school the day before. It was always the same thing. She told me about how happy we were going to be, how everything would be all right, and how she had forgiven me for lying. She mentioned Jacob a lot too, telling me how he could take care of me and how wonderful it would be once our families were reunited.

Never once did she mention my father.

It was as if he wasn't included when she mentioned our families.

Mrs. Weber called the police after the first call. They concluded that the call was made from a disposable cell phone. It sounded like something taken straight out of a cop show or something. Didn't criminals use disposable cell phones to keep from being caught? I guess that was what my mother was now. A criminal. If I wasn't so scared I would have rolled my eyes at the whole thing.

When Mom called again, the police decided to set up a trace station - or whatever it was called - in the living room, so they could try to trace the call when she called again. They were sure she would, since she had already called twice. I guess they were right – only one hour later, the third call came in.

There was always at least one cop at the house at all times, and I kept myself wrapped in a blanket in my bed. Mrs. Weber brought me food that I didn't eat, and she called my doctor when she got worried about my health. Kate stopped by once too. My mind was too far gone to register anything she was saying, but I appreciated that she stopped by.

I didn't sleep at all the following night.

When Jasper came by the next morning to pick me up for school Mrs. Weber took him to my room, figuring that I wanted to tell him myself what was going on. He asked me if I wanted him to skip and spend the day with me, because he would if I needed it. I told him no. I didn't want anyone around me right now. Especially not him. Besides, he needed to go to school and see if Edward was there. I needed to know if he was all right or not. I still hadn't heard anything from him at that point.

The day only got worse from there.

Edward broke down yesterday, so I guess today was my turn.

The fifth call came in a little after noon, and I hated the officer for forcing me to answer it. He explained and said that she's more likely to stay on the line if I was the one talking to her. She would have hung up immediately if someone else answered. I hated him for that.

Her voice became more and more sinister with each call; by the seventh call, I was sure she was high. Her promises about a better future were beginning to sound more like threats.

Dr. Jenks told me to try to sleep a little; he even gave me pills that would help me relax. I didn't take them. I was too afraid to sleep. If she was coming for me, I needed to be awake for it.

When the tenth call rolled around later that evening, I was sure I was done for.

My nerves were fried and my mind was venturing into dangerous territory. I was starting to consider ways to end my life before my mom ended it for me. I was alone again. Edward may have loved me, but he still left. He wasn't there for me anymore. So what did it matter if I died?

What did I have to live for?

I tried to snap out of it. I mentally slapped myself for even thinking it. Edward may have been the reason I was still alive - but he was not the only reason that I kept on breathing. He was not the only thing that kept me in this world. Right? It would have been silly if I lived just for him, and decided to kill myself just because he turned his back on me.

But did he? I mean, did he really turn his back on me or did I turn my back on him? Maybe he thought that was what I did when I rejected him; but I didn't reject him, I just said "not now."

Didn't I?

Maybe it was the new situation with my mom, maybe it was the whole deal with Edward, or maybe it was the sleep deprivation, but nothing in my head was making much sense anymore.

I curled into a ball under the covers, letting my body shake as the sobs overtook me. I was so scared. I was scared of my mother. I was scared of my future. I was scared of Edward. I was scared of being alone. I was scared of everything.

I was also confused. Confused about my feelings and my thoughts. I didn't understand myself anymore. I didn't understand my actions at all.

"Bella, can I get you anything?" Mrs. Weber asked me later that evening.

Edward. Edward. Edward. Edward. Edward.

"Edward." Even that simple word cracked as it left my lips. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to breathe through the pain that I knew would follow. It wasn't my leg this time. It was a part of me that I didn't even know was still functioning. My heart. I didn't want to cry anymore. I didn't want to be in any more pain. I had been through enough.

Mrs. Weber sighed and left the room, probably frustrated that I didn't give her a better answer for what she could do for me. But I didn't need food. I didn't need sleep. I didn't need anything unless I had Edward. He was my oxygen. He was my sleep and he was my food. As long as I had him, I knew I would survive.

He was my everything.

x x x x x

I didn't know how long I hid out under the covers, but soon I heard a velvety, soft voice that couldn't belong to anyone else but Edward. I must be dreaming.

"Sparrow? You okay?"

I sat up and looked at him. He looked uncertain as if he didn't know why he was here. I didn't know why he was here either, but I knew better than to question it. He came back and that was all that mattered.

"I-I-I'm sorry," I whispered. The words had barely left my mouth before he was sitting on the bed and holding me to him.

"It's okay. It's all fucking alright," he whispered as he stroked my back and kissed my head.

"Don't…don't turn away from me, please," I pleaded as I fisted his shirt in my hands. "Don't leave me. I need you. Don't shut me out. I need you too much. I c-can't do this without you. You can't leave me, Edward. I'm sorry that I can't be what you need me to be, but you can't… you can't leave me. Not again."

He started rocking me back and forth, and I was comforted by the motion.

"I'm here, don't worry. I'm always here for you, Sparrow," he reassured me with a soft voice. I couldn't believe he was here. How did he even know I needed him? "What happened?" he asked then. He pulled back and put his hands on either side of my face, stroking away my tears with his thumbs.

"M-my mom happened," I replied with a shaky voice. His eyes clouded over and I could feel his body tense.

"What the fuck did she do now? Did she hurt you? Are you hurt? Are you okay? I swear to God if she fucking touched you I'll-"

"I'm fine!" I cut him off. "She's just… she's been calling me. A lot. They're trying to trace the call, but she keeps hanging up before they can get a fix on her location." It was odd how calmly I could explain it to him. It was as if all the tension in my body faded as soon as he touched me. As long as he was here, I knew I was safe. He really was my everything. My savior.

My savior that I treated like shit. My savior who I kept pushing away because I was afraid.

The fact that he was sitting here with me now was nothing short of a miracle. If he had been the one pushing, I would have hit the road a long time ago. I wouldn't be able to take the rejection, but he did – he came back. Even though I rejected him, he still came back because he cared. He cared enough about me to ignore what I did to him.

Which made him even more amazing in my eyes.

He frowned and continued to stroke my cheeks with his thumbs, even though there were no more tears to wipe. I smiled sadly at him.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

"For your mother? C'mon, you didn't pick your parents," he said with a snort.

"You know what I'm apologizing for," I said, giving him a pointed glance. He sighed and nodded, letting his hands fall down to his lap instead. Never once did his eyes waver from mine.

He didn't say anything.

"Edward, please… talk to me," I pleaded.

"I talk in therapy. That's enough," he replied with a tired voice.

"You're… you're getting help?" I asked, looking at him in surprise.

"Yeah, someone I care about asked me to."

We looked at each other for a moment in silence, until his face practically crumbled in pain and he looked away. He was frowning deeply as he fiddled with his fingers in his lap.

"I'm sorry," I said again.

"What for this time?" he asked without looking at me.

"For what happened... for what I said… I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I didn't mean to… hurt you…I didn't even know I could," I said, my voice barely audible when I reached the end of the sentence.

"Why wouldn't you?" he asked with a snort. "We're… friends. Of course you could hurt me. Just like I could surely hurt you too."

"You would never hurt me," I argued softly, and that made him look up, meeting my gaze once again.

"You're right," he agreed. "I would never hurt you… but I did." He sighed, closing his eyes. "I hate you, you know," he added quietly and I nodded.

"Yeah, I know."

"My life was a fucking cake walk before you stumbled into it. And now I have to deal with shit I never thought I would have to deal with. I have to deal with the constant worry that something will happen to you. I have to deal with the constant, nagging feeling that one day you will fucking say yes to some douche that ain't me. And I have to deal with the possibility that I might never fucking stop feeling like this." He groaned and hid his face in his hands, resting his elbows against his legs. He looked so defeated. I hated seeing him like this. "And I hate you for telling me that your mom is harassing you, and all I can think about is how this will affect me… what will happen to me if she hurts you? I will fucking die."

His body was trembling, and I scooted over so I could hug him from the side and rest my chin on his shoulder.

"So there is only hate left?" I asked softly.

He shook his head.

"I hate you the most because I fucking…" He paused, taking a deep breath before answering. "… love you." He turned his head towards me, and I bit my lip to keep myself from kissing his. "You can't have it both ways, Bella," he said with a quiet voice.

"What ways?" I asked, confused.

"You can't keep pushing me away when I need you, and then pull me back when you need me. It's not fucking fair. Either you'll have me… all of me… or you don't have me at all. I can't be your crutch if you won't be mine too."

"I never asked you for both ways. I was only asking you to be my friend. You were the one who wanted to promote me to girlfriend. I never asked for that. And as long as you keep pushing the issue, you know I'll push you away just the same," I replied honestly. "I'm not ready." I paused and closed my eyes. "Please, don't make this an ultimatum."

"Ultimatum? Is that what you think this is?" he asked, his voice suddenly cold. "You're so fucking blind you can't even see the darkness."

"It's what you make it out to be, yes," I replied patiently, pulling back so I could get some distance. "You ran away from me, leaving me, because I told you no. I've called you so many times during the past twenty four hours that I'm pretty sure I have reached stalker status, and you still didn't pick up. So how is this not an ultimatum? I'll either have you as my…" I took a deep breath, shaking my head. I couldn't even finish the sentence in my head. "… or not at all."

He stared at me, not moving a muscle. "You can't even say the fucking word." His voice was so quiet and broken that it broke me too. "Is the thought of me being your boyfriend so offensive to you that you can't even say the damn word?"

I shook my head. "Just terrifying."

He sighed and shook his head. "I'm not making you choose. You're the one making the choice, you know. And you chose to not have me at all. Which pretty much proves I mean nothing to you, unless you need someone to comfort you when shit gets too much."

"Edward… you mean everything to me," I argued.

"You have a funny way of showing it," he replied sourly.

I sighed and laid back down. This was too much. It felt like my chest was closing in on itself. I couldn't breathe. I squeezed my eyes shut, pressing the heels of my hands into my eyes as I tried to control my breathing. Hyperventilating now would not get me anywhere.

Images of my mom assaulted my mind, and it felt as if I was going to suffocate. Why did everything have to turn to crap at the same time? I couldn't deal with my mom's crazy phone calls and the possibility of Edward leaving at the same time. I couldn't deal with any of it.

"All those weeks ago, you told me that all you wanted in life was to be loved. And here I fucking am – loving you. And you don't want it. It's not enough. What's so wrong with me? I have been there for you. We've grown so fucking close. You know me. I know you. How can my love not be enough for you?" he mumbled, almost as if he wasn't talking to me. "Is my past finally catching up with me? Is my past the reason you won't even consider the idea of being with me? Did I hurt you too much? Did I burn all my bridges? Am I never going to enter anything other than the friend zone with you?" He sighed. "Maybe we should… take a fucking break." His voice a little louder now as if he was finally addressing me.

I slowly removed my hands from my eyes, finding him looking at me. He looked tired, like he hadn't been sleeping much either. I swallowed thickly. This was what I was afraid of.

"You're… you're leaving me?" I asked with a shaky voice. "You can't be my friend anymore?"

"That's not what I'm saying. I'm always gonna be your friend," he replied. "But I just need time."

I furrowed my eyebrows and sat back up. I grabbed his arm and held on to it.

"No," I said firmly, which made him quirk an eyebrow at me.

"No?" he echoed incredulously.

"No. When I told you that I needed time: you told me no. So I'm telling you no too. No. You won't get any damn time. We're not taking a damn break!" I said, gripping him harder.

"Excuse me?"

"You're not leaving me. All people ever seem to do to me is leave. They love me, then they hurt me, then they stab me in the back, then they leave. But you're not gonna do that. You hear me? You can't leave me, Edward. I'm sorry that I can't be what you need me to be, but you can't… you can't leave me." Tears filled my eyes, and he frowned at the sight. I hated that I couldn't even get this off my chest without crying. My nerves were so fried it was a wonder that I hadn't experienced a panic attack yet. I knew it was approaching, and it was only a matter of time before it hit.

"Please, don't turn away from me," I whispered. "Don't leave me. I need you. Don't shut me out. I need you too much. I c-can't do this without you."

He smiled softly and stroked my cheek with his finger. "You made it for three months without me, what's three more?"

My stomach dropped at his words, and I swallowed thickly. "With just a couple of butchered suicide attempts in the mix," I replied. He winced. "Yeah, forgot about that little detail, huh?" I couldn't help but comment.

"Your mood swings are giving me a whiplash. You don't know what the heck you want. You don't fucking know what you need. You keep jumping back and forth, never able to make a damn decision and stick to it. One moment you're pushing me away, telling me to get help – then in the other you're sitting here, crying your heart out while telling me you can't do shit without me. Decide already!" He sighed and dragged his hand through his hair. "I want to help you. You know I do. But how the hell do you help a hypocrite? You ask me to get help when it's clear as day that you're the one who's in dire need of it."

"I can see why you would think that," I mumbled.

"You don't agree?"

"I… I just want what's best for you. I've seen you coming apart at the seams for a while now. I've been afraid for you, Edward. You even hurt yourself beating up your car."

He turned so he was fully facing me now, looking me intently in the eyes.

"Over a month ago, you were standing in front of my moving car. You didn't get out of the way. A few weeks ago, you were sitting on your bed with pills in your hand. Ready to overdose. You wanted to fucking die. You still think I'm the one you should be afraid for? For all I know you might still be plotting your suicide."

"I know what I'm doing. I know where I am at."

"Do you… do you really?"

"Yes."

"Then tell me, where the fuck are you at when it comes to me. Where do you stand?"

I opened my mouth, ready to answer him, but no words came out. I frowned and tried again, but still no words. Why was his question so difficult for me to answer?

"You don't fucking know, do you? Have you even considered it?"

"I want what's best for you," I whispered.

"Fuck that. I'm not asking about what you want, I'm asking what you feel."

"I care about you…"

"Not good enough."

"You mean a lot to me."

"Still not good enough."

I sighed deeply and rested my forehead against his shoulder.

"We need to figure this out, don't we?" I said quietly. "This new… development."

"It's not new," he argued. "It's just that I'm finally voicing what we both already knew was on its way. What the hell did you expect? The way we've been acting… how could we not have been moving towards something more serious? This can't come as a surprise to you."

I turned my head a little, and I felt him follow my gaze. I was looking at where it all began.

My cast.

I could see him frown from the corner of my eye.

"What are you thinking?" he asked, and I turned to look at him.

"I can't help but wonder if you… if you are doing all this because you're feeling bad," I whispered almost inaudibly. "The accident, the pressure from everyone around you… the pressure to change… to care…"

"You can't honestly believe that," he said incredulously. "Not after every-fucking-thing we've been through since then." He took a deep breath. "You can question and doubt a lot of shit, Sparrow, but you can't question that."

I forced a smile at him, but he wasn't fooled.

"I don't want to, but it's all I know… people don't love me, people don't care about me. Of course I get self-conscious and paranoid when you do. Especially when you say things like… that," I mumbled.

"And you know what makes me paranoid?" he asked, and I shook my head, feeling confused. "You and Jasper. And the fact that you're suddenly all buddy-buddy. If you need a friend, you can always turn to him now, right? What difference do I make in your life, anyway?"

There was a weird stirring in my stomach when he said that, and for some reason it made me smile. I bit my lip, and he raised an eyebrow when he saw that I was trying to contain a smile.

"Are you… jealous?" I teased with a nervous edge to my voice. This was no time for jokes. Edward was talking about leaving me, and my mom was plotting my demise. Still, here I was, making jokes because the thought of Edward being jealous made me smile.

God, I'm sadistic.

And messed up.

"Are you seriously asking me if I'm jealous? Seriously, Sparrow? Way to rub it in," he muttered.

"I'm sorry, I was just joking," I mumbled in response. He grabbed my chin and turned my face to him when I tried to look away.

"Yes, I know, and if you really want to know, then yes. Yes, I'm fucking jealous. And yes, frankly, a little fucking hurt too. You're obviously close to him for some goddamn reason. You tell him shit, right? Why aren't you talking to me instead? Are you already trading me in for a newer model?" I could tell he was only half-joking.

I sighed and shrugged. "I think, he gives me perspective, you know? Everything he says is objective. When I talk to you, we're always subjective. We only care about us. But Jasper is able to look at things from outside the box and give me a new point of view, without being condescending or mean about it. And you told me once that he was trustworthy, and I think I can see why. He's kinda like you in a way. He didn't change after the accident like Emmett or Alice did. He didn't immediately like me just because I was hurt. I don't even think he likes me that much now either. He's just being nice… he's a very considerate person, and it's easy to talk to him."

For some reason a smile was now creeping up his lips, and he was looking pretty damn smug all of a sudden. I looked at him confused and he just smirked.

"Do you realize what he is to you?" he asked casually.

"No, what? A friend? A brother?" I replied, confused.

"He's your shrink." I blinked in surprise while he was just smiling smugly at me. As if he had just solved some great puzzle or something. "I should have known that you wouldn't go about getting help the normal way," he said, leaning towards me and pressing his lips against my forehead.

I tilted my head up when he pulled back, seeing him still wearing that obnoxious smirk.

"You think you're so smart, don't you?" I muttered.

"Why yes, Sparrow, I do," he replied and I rolled my eyes. "Oh c'mon, don't be upset," he teased as he leaned forward and pressed his lips to mine. I parted my lips slightly, letting him suck on my bottom lip for a moment. He pulled me a little closer and I opened my mouth more. Just as our tongues were about meet – we both froze.

We were completely still for a moment, before slowly pulling back at the same time, just staring at each other.

My shock was mirrored in his face. Kissing seemed to come more and more naturally to us now, we didn't even second guess the instinct anymore. The fact that I let it happen surprised me the most, especially considering how averse I was to the idea.

I kept saying that I couldn't be his girlfriend. That I couldn't be that girl for him.

And yet, here I was, kissing him like it was the most natural thing in the world.

Maybe I was already that girl for him?

"We seriously need to figure this out," I said firmly.

"I already have a solution," he replied with a crooked smile.

I shook my head. "No."

"Why not?" he groaned, almost sounding like a whining five year-old that couldn't have his favorite toy.

I sighed. "People will talk."

"So let them."

"Your friends will not approve."

"Emmett, who is your personal bodyguard, Alice, who wants to make you her own Barbie, or Jasper, who's already your shrink?" he asked with a snort. "And who the fuck cares what they think anyway? What else you've got? Are you still gonna stand by the ridiculous 'you need help' argument? Because, seriously, that's the most ridiculous shit for an excuse I've heard in my life. We're both fucked up. Everybody's fucked up. What difference does it make if we're in a relationship or not? How hard can it be?"

I smiled sadly at him. "Edward, sometimes you surprise me with how naïve you are. Of course it's gonna be hard. Relationships are hard!"

"Puh-lease," he said, rolling his eyes. "Have you ever been in a relationship? Yeah, neither have I. So we have not a clue what we're talking about. We're only making assumptions because of other people's experiences. My firm belief is that it's only going to be hard if we make it hard!" A smile crept up his lips again, turning into a smirk, and I gave him an incredulous look since I knew exactly where he was going next. Edward could be so transparent sometimes. "And some things in a relationship need to be hard for everyone's pleasure…" he trailed off suggestively and I slapped his arm. He chuckled.

"This," I said, poking him in the chest, "is exactly the reason why we shouldn't. You're already expecting things. I can't be that girl. How many times do I need to tell you that before you get it?"

"C'mon, I'm only joking around," he replied.

"Please, Edward, don't."

He stroked my cheek with the back of his hand; his smirk was fading and soon replaced by a soft smile.

"So you're only turning the notion down because you're afraid of the sexual aspect of it all?" he asked. I tilted my head to the side, not understanding what he was getting at. He sighed and looked at the ceiling for a second before turning his gaze back to me. "You're… rejecting me… rejecting us… because you're afraid I'll pressure you into having sex with me? Or is this there another reason? I mean… do you… what do you feel… do you feel… what I feel… what do you feel… about me? Am I just a friend… or do you see me as something more… like, at all?"

He cupped my cheek with his hand, and the vulnerability in his eyes made my heart ache. Edward had a certain way with words, and this was the first time I've seen him be completely lost as to what to say. He didn't know what to say or how to phrase what he needed to say, because he had never been forced to say anything like this before. He couldn't make a sarcastic remark and overuse the F-word with this. He couldn't joke while baring his soul. This was difficult for him, and he looked just as exposed now as he had done in the music room when he confessed his love to me.

It was terrifying.

He waited patiently for my answer. He knew it wasn't a simple question for me to answer. So many things had to be considered. I didn't know up from down when it came to my emotions and feelings. I had been betrayed in the worst way possible by the people I loved. How could I even consider opening up to someone after that?

But you already have.

The corner of my mouth lifted into a sad smile, and I leaned into his touch.

Yeah, I had already let him in. I had already exposed every part of me to him.

Almost every part.

"We need to put you back together in a way that makes sense," I said. He chuckled darkly.

"Right back atcha. But that doesn't answer my question."

"I feel safe with you."

"Still doesn't answer my question."

I sighed and leaned forward, cupping his face in my hands. He let his hand fall down to his lap.

"I feel safe with you. My mom could stand in this room right now, holding a damn knife, and I would still feel safe as long as you'd be here with me." I bit my lip and contemplated my next words. I wanted to give him a better answer, but I was still too lost in my own head to be able to do that. I couldn't give him a better answer because I didn't know. His green eyes stared at me with such intensity that it made me nervous. "But it still doesn't answer your question," I ended with a sigh, feeling dejected.

He leaned forward to rest his forehead against mine and we kept our gazes locked, my hands still cupping his face. It was as if the rest of the world didn't matter anymore. Nothing mattered. Not my crazy mother. Not Jasper. Not Edward's shrink. Not the Webers. Nothing.

"That did answer my question," he replied quietly. "And I promise I won't pressure you about it again."

His words were final.

And I didn't like it.

It was as if his words put a weight on my chest, and suddenly I was struggling to breathe. It sounded to me as if he had taken my words as a final rejection, when in reality I didn't mean it like that at all. I wasn't rejecting him. I just didn't know how to… not reject him. What did it mean when he said he wasn't going to pressure me anymore? Did he mean that he was giving up on me completely? Would we even still be friends? Or was this it? When he would be walking out this room, he would be walking out on us.

I couldn't handle that. Not after everything.

"Calm down, Sparrow," he whispered, and it wasn't until then that I realized I was hyperventilating. My hands fell to my lap, and it was his turn to cup my face instead. He made sure that I was looking him in the eyes before he continued speaking. "It's all good, Sparrow. Don't freak out. Everything is fucking fine. We're fucking fine. Alright?"

I tried to calm my breathing, but it was as if I couldn't find the switch to turn my breathing into normal. My chest rose in rapid movements, and his grip on me tightened.

"You… you know when you reach that point… where you just can't take it anymore?" I managed to gasp out. He nodded hesitantly, not getting where I was going. "I think I've reached that point."

"What… what point is that exactly?" he asked, now sounding concerned and scared. "You're not talking about jumping in front of a speeding truck now, are you?" It was sad that he wasn't even joking. He was genuinely asking me. I wondered if he would always worry about me wanting to kill myself.

Did he have a reason to?

Yeah, he did. Those thoughts didn't just go away. Not if you had lived with them for months and tried acting upon them. I didn't blame him. Hell, I considered it just hours before he got here today. I would always consider it, for some reason or other. But I didn't want to.

"I don't want to hide anymore," I said, my breathing still erratic. "I don't want to be scared. I'm sick and tired of being scared. I don't want to live in fear anymore. I just… I just want to live."

He sighed in relief. "So live."

"I don't even know at which end to begin."

"At whichever end you decide to roll with, I'll be there every damn step of the way," he replied with a smile.

"You promise you won't leave?"

"Promise."

He pressed his lips against my forehead, and it was as if I finally found my switch. Ever so slowly, my breathing returned to normal and my body relaxed. It didn't occur to me until then that my entire body had been tensed up, and my leg ached at the added strain.

"You good, Sparrow?" he asked, smiling gently at me.

I nodded and when I met his gaze I knew exactly what I needed to do.

What I needed to say.

It didn't matter if I wasn't ready. It didn't matter if I did it for the wrong reasons. When was one ever ready anyway? And when did anyone ever make decisions for the right reasons?

I needed to take a leap.

Not a leap in front of a truck, but a leap of faith.

He stroked my cheeks with his thumbs, wiping away tears that I didn't even realized I had shed.

"Ask me," I whispered.

He furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. "Ask you what?"

"Ask me," I said again, but he still looked confused. I put my hands on his on my face, giving him a forceful look. "You still want me to be that girl? Ask me."

His lips twisted into an uncertain smile, and I could see how he slowly realized what I was telling him. His eyes shone in anticipation, and I couldn't help but smile at the sight. I hated seeing my Edward broken, and if this was what needed to be done to keep him from falling apart and to keep him in my life, then this was what I was going to do.

I smiled through my tears as he wiped away another streak from my cheek.

"Will you… will you be my girlfriend?" he whispered, his shaky voice was barely more than a breath. Fear was clear in his eyes along with uncertainty and hope. While he was afraid that he had asked the wrong question, he was also afraid of the answer. As well as hopeful.

He hadn't asked the wrong question.

It was the right one.

Another tear feel from my eyes, but this time he didn't wipe it away. I took a shaky breath before leaning in to press my lips to his. He shuddered at the touch, and I took my hand to stroke his jaw gently. I noted that he hadn't shaved in a few days. I liked the scruff.

The kiss didn't deepen, and when I pulled back it didn't seem like he minded.

There were so many things that were wrong with my answer to his question, but there were also so many rights. There was never a right time to enter a relationship – and it was most likely never a good time when you didn't even know what you were feeling toward the other person. All I knew was that Edward had those feelings for me, and the prospect of him giving up on us pained me more than anything. I didn't want him to give up. I wanted him to keep fighting for me. For us. I was confused about my feelings, but I had time to figure them out.

Right?

Despite everything that was going on. Despite the fact that my mom was probably going to turn up to hurt me again soon. Despite the fact that I didn't know anything anymore.

Despite everything, I still didn't feel like the next word leaving my lips was even remotely wrong. It felt more right than anything I had ever said before.

Maybe I was doing it for some right reason too.

How else could you explain why it felt so good to say one simple word?

"Yes."