Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, I just play with them. This story is rated M, and is not suitable for younger readers. Story contains violence, coarse language and sexual "situations". Please do not read if any of these things offends you.

Note: [Beta'ed by: MrsDazzled & CapriciousC]

Chapter 45, "Pleasure"

Isabella Swan

I wanted to push him away. I wanted to pull him closer. I wanted him as far away from me as possible and as close to me as he could get. I somehow couldn't do any of it. Instead, I was playing yo-yo with him. It was a miracle that he was still with me. How was he putting up with all this crap, and why?

He loves you, dumbass.

I groaned and closed my eyes, hiding my face in my hands as I started rocking back and forth. I was glad that Edward didn't touch me. It would only make matters worse if he touched me now.

I hated myself and I hated him.

It was as if Edward was acting like my conscience or something. He said everything that I already knew but refused to acknowledge. I hated this.

I also hated my mother for making me like this. This was all her fault. Her and her stupid mind games. Why did I even listen to her? I knew she was crazy and every word that left her mouth was crazy. So why the hell did I listen to her? Why did I let it affect me like it did?

Letting her words affect me like that made me no better than her.

Maybe I was insane. Maybe I was just as crazy as they come.

There was no doubt that I was my mother's daughter.

But who was my father?

x x x x x

Edward mouthed to me to ask questions. I figured that maybe was a good idea. I could ask her things and pretend that I had changed my mind. I could pretend that I wanted nothing more than to live with her in her delusions. Maybe she would give away something that I could use to free myself from her.

"Eh… Mom… so… when will I see you… again? I m-miss you. I miss J-Jacob too. I c-can't wait to see you again." It was amazing how painful it was to utter those words. Nothing could have been further from the truth. I wanted nothing to do with them.

"Oh, I imagine you do," she replied sweetly, with a weird edge to her voice. "The ceremony will be perfect and it's almost time."

"Uh-huh," I said. "What about Dad? Will he be there?"

"Your… dad? You're asking me about your father?" she asked with laughter in her voice. It was like I just said something hilarious. "That's a first."

"Yes, Dad. Charlie? You know, the guy who fathered me?" I was still confused by the whole father issue and Dad's strange reaction when we spoke about it earlier. What weren't they telling me?

She laughed quietly, menace clear in her voice.

"You listen to me now, Bella," she began in a low voice, talking quickly and quietly. "Don't play games with me. I know what's going on. I know what happened to Jacob earlier and who did it. Don't you think for a minute that we won't deal with this. That we won't deal with him. Edward Cullen will be dealt with accordingly because of what he did to us. Let's pray to the gods that he hasn't screwed everything up already. I know you don't share our view on this, but that doesn't matter right now, because in time you will. The legend always said that the Daughter of the Wise One would be reluctant." She paused for a second before continuing. "We will deal with Edward, and you will do best by not telling the police any of this. Yes, I know you have been talking to them. To be honest with you, I don't understand it because I would never hurt you. You know that. But that's not important right now. What's important is that you stop talking to the police, and if you mention any of this to them, or anyone else for that matter, we will have to do more than just deal with Edward. If you tell anyone, we will kill him. He will not stand in the way of our happiness. If you tell him any of this, we will know, and we will take precautions."

My heart was breaking in my chest at her words, my mind reeling with the possibility of Edward dying because of me. There was no doubt in my mind that she would go through with it, either. She was going to kill him. I had to stay quiet. I couldn't tell anyone.

How on earth could the legends be so important to her that she didn't even mind sacrificing another person's life for them? How could she kill someone just so she could successfully live out her delusions? How was it possible that a human life didn't matter more to her than that?

I glanced at the door, seeing the cop giving me a thumbs up. They had found her. They got a fix on her location. Finally. A tear slipped from my eyes. Maybe, just maybe, they would be able to catch her before anything happened.

But I wasn't going to talk until I knew she was behind bars. I was not going to risk Edward's life.

"Well, I don't care, you crazy bitch," I snapped into the phone. I was not going to play by her rules anymore. She had done the lowest thing possible – she threatened to kill Edward. There was no playing nice anymore. The moment she threatened to hurt the only person I… I… cared deeply about, that was the moment she made me decide. I was going to kill her before she ever got close enough to kill him. "You can live in your world of delusions all you want, but I want no part of it. Go to hell!"

Where you belong.

x x x x x

"I only want to help you. Why the fuck can't you let me do that?" Edward asked, sounding aggravated, effectively bringing me out of the memory.

"Because I don't need help, I can do this on my own. There is nothing wrong with me."

And that was the God awful truth. There wasn't anything wrong with me, per se. Not really. I just needed to keep quiet for as long as my mom was on the run. I couldn't risk going into a shrink's office now. I knew how they played, they were better at mind games than my mother was. They played mind games for a living, for Heaven's sake. They'd have the truth spilling out of me like candy from a piñata before I even realized what was going on.

I couldn't risk it. No matter how much Edward wanted me to get help, I just couldn't risk it.

Not when his life depended on me keeping my mouth shut.

I looked up, meeting his pained gaze. I hated that I was the reason he was looking like that. I was hurting him. I didn't want to hurt him. But what were my choices here? It was either hurt him or have him killed. It was Morton's Fork. One choice worse than the other, but hurting him now would save him in the long run. Even if he ended up hating me, as long as he was alive, I would be fine too.

And he was right. He was painfully right.

I was a hypocrite.

Everything I ever said was contradictory, and all my actions screamed of double standards.

But I had no other choice. Before it had been about me protecting myself; now it was about protecting him. My mother's words were ringing in my ears, and I swallowed thickly.

Edward was already so confident that he could protect me, but could he protect himself when it came down to it? Protecting me could hurt him. Even kill him.

I didn't want that.

The logical thing would have been to break up with him, go back to how we were before the accident. Strangers. But I didn't want that either. I didn't want to break up with him. I didn't want the fear of my mother to rule my life anymore.

I wanted Edward. I wanted all of him.

My body was still pulsating after what we did on the bench just a few minutes ago. How he made our bodies connect. Even through our clothing, I felt that unfamiliar tingling sensation. A tingling that I wanted to feel again. A tingling that felt good.

Pleasure.

My crazy mother always said that pleasure wasn't for the girl, but I never shared that belief… I think.

If Edward said that he wanted to make me feel good, who was I to deny him? I mean, if pleasuring me pleasured him, then who was I to argue? That way I was still technically living by my mother's words and beliefs.

As long as I remained pure.

I could not not be a virgin the day she caught up with me.

I guess I was a weird teenager for never giving much thought to sex. For some reason, it never really appealed to me. If sex wasn't supposed to be good for me, then there was no reason for me to think about it. Why should I think about something that I couldn't enjoy anyway?

With Edward, it was different. Completely, and utterly, different.

It was no news to me that he was a very sexual being, and he was very casual about it, which was both good and bad news for me. Good news because he made me see things in a different light, and bad news because he made me feel inadequate and abnormal. I wasn't like him. I didn't share his casual views and opinions. I hated that I couldn't be more for him.

I knew that I didn't believe my mother's words anymore – I don't think I ever did, it was just easier to go with the flow, never questioning her.

Every time Edward kissed me, I wanted nothing more than to be closer to him. When he had been lying on top of me on the bench, his body pressed to mine, he had still not been close enough.

Every time he touched me, it felt as if I was going to explode. I was surprised that my skin didn't catch on fire from the pure intensity of it all. It felt so good. Even when he was just tucking my hair behind my ear, it felt good! How could that be a bad thing? That was pleasure too, right?

I wanted to be that girl for him.

But I knew I couldn't. Not yet. I wasn't ready. I still had issues I had to deal with.

How were we ever going to be able to be intimate, if all I could think about was my mother? I don't think it would have been very nice for either of us if I was thinking about my mother while in that… position.

Despite what Edward – and everyone else - was thinking, I was still convinced that I didn't need a shrink's help to figure it all out. I could solve it on my own. What could a shrink do that I couldn't do myself? It wasn't necessary for me. Not really.

The difference between me and Edward – and why I didn't think that pushing him towards getting professional help was hypocritical – was that his issues were partly physical, and not just psychological. Depending on how you were looking at it, I suppose.

I mean, his blackouts weren't something he could fix on his own. That was something he needed professional help with. My issues were completely within my head, so there was no reason why I couldn't fix it on my own. It wasn't like I was crazy or anything. I knew I had issues, and I was dealing with them in my own way. Wasn't that enough?

I was dealing, I really was.

And a part of me was currently trying to figure out how I felt about Edward. I knew he was disappointed in me because I hadn't said those three words to him yet.

I could hear it in his voice, and I could see it in his eyes, every time he said them to me.

He was saying it a lot now. Like he just couldn't help himself.

It was unsettling.

It felt like he was further along than I was; which put our entire relationship off balance.

He took my hand, lifting it to his lips and kissing my knuckles gingerly. It reminded me of a simpler time, before we had a label. Back when we were just friends. Back when a kiss on the knuckles didn't mean anything. Back when it was just a kiss…

I smiled and the corner of his lips turned upwards as well.

"It was never just a kiss," I mumbled to myself.

"What was?" he asked.

"When you used to kiss my knuckles. It was never just a kiss." It wasn't a question, and it didn't need to be either. We both know it was true.

"What can I say, I flew right into your cage, and you locked it behind me. Bringing the pen at the hospital was the point of no return," he said with a smile.

I smiled sadly and sighed deeply.

I was frustrated with the fact that he didn't tell me that he beat up Jacob earlier. Did he even realize what doing that meant? Did he not realize that as soon as his fist connected with Jacob's body, he was putting his own life in jeopardy?

I was such a bad person.

I kept giving him crap about keeping secrets, when I was no better myself.

By not telling him about what my mother said, wasn't that putting his life in jeopardy too?

Yes, yes it was. Edward needed to know what was going on.

I just needed to make sure he wasn't going to tell the police.

I could trust him. If I told him to keep quiet, he would. I was sure of it.

I trusted him.

"When did you get so smart?" I asked softly, not referring to anything in particular.

He shrugged. "I was just born this awesome."

I rolled my eyes and jokingly slapped his arm.

"I want to tell you what's going on… but not here," I said quietly.

"So there is something going on?" he asked. "Your mom said something, didn't she?"

I nodded. "Yeah."

He kissed my knuckles again, before pulling me to him. I put my arms around his neck and wrapped my good leg around his waist. I was as close as I could be. But it wasn't close enough. It never was.

He nuzzled his face into my neck, kissing and sucking lightly on my skin.

"I'm sorry I'm not better. I'm trying, I really am, but it's hard. I've never had a reason to be better before. But I want to… I want to be better for you," I told him quietly with my lips by his ear.

"Me too," he said with a sigh, his breath tickling my skin. "God knows I want to fucking try for you. But you're not making it very easy on me."

"I know," I whispered as a sob threatened to escape me. Edward was too good to me. I didn't deserve him. I didn't deserve his love. I didn't deserve anyone's. I squeezed my eyes shut as my grip around him tightened. "I don't want to see a shrink." I whispered it so quietly I wasn't sure he even heard me. He sighed, but didn't say anything. "I don't want you to look at me as a hypocrite… but I can't see a shrink. I just can't."

"You have this strange notion of not being able to do shit. You can't see a shrink, you can't have sex… what else can't you do? Should I make a fucking list?" he asked dryly.

"Edward, c'mon," I said, pulling back so I could see his face. He looked at me with tired eyes and I tried to smile at him. "I want to deal with this on my own. It's all in my head. I can sort things out. I promise. Please, trust me."

He was quiet for a moment, just studying my face, before sighing and nodding.

"Fine, you'll get till after New Year… if you're not normal by then, I'm fucking dragging you to see someone," he threatened. "No fucking excuses will work. I don't care if you don't think you can do it, but you have to fucking deal. Your mom will be locked behind bars by then, and you'll have time to come to terms or whatever. And if that ain't enough, you'll get help. Deal?"

"Deal."

I smiled in relief and he smiled too in response. I loved his smile. He wasn't happy with the deal, but it was what I wanted. It was what I needed. But it would have been worth nothing if he didn't support it. And he did, even though he wasn't happy about it.

Edward really did have my back after all.

I looked into his eyes, feeling a strange stirring in my stomach as my heart started to pound like a jackhammer in my chest. I was scared. There were so many things I felt for him at that moment. It felt like my emotions would take me under and drown me – but it didn't matter, because those feelings were good. My feelings for Edward were definitely good.

"How did you know?" I asked before I had the time to change my mind.

"How did I know what?"

"How did you know… that you loved me?" The L-word came out as a whisper. For some reason it felt wrong to say it out loud. The corner of his mouth lifted into a sad smile.

"I just did. I can't explain it."

"But… was it like something that just happened? Like a lightning strike? One moment there's nothing, and the next it's there?"

He shook his head. "I loved you even before I knew I loved you. I just didn't want to admit it."

"Yeah, I can imagine that loving a goose isn't something you'd accept just like that," I said with a half-shrug and a smile, so he would know that I was joking. He smirked darkly, lifting his hand to trace my bottom lip with his thumb.

"Yeah, but I can't imagine it being any easier for you… if you were to love me, that is," he said, pain flickering cross his face when he said the word, and his Adam's apple bobbed as he made the assumption that I didn't return his feelings. Maybe thinking that I never would. "You can't love someone who stole your homework and called you names. Who almost fucking let you choke to death. And crippled you by hitting you with his car. I get it." His voice was wavering and he swallowed thickly again. I put my hands on either side of his face, making sure he was looking at me before I spoke.

"Please, don't add that to the list of things that I can't do. Because I'm pretty sure I can," I told him, making sure that every word got through to him.

"Good to know," he said, his voice still weird.

I sighed and leaned in to kiss him, letting the taste of him calm all my senses.

The way our mouths moved together, and how he pulled me impossibly closer as they did, I knew for certain that I could do it. I could return his feelings. I really could.

The question was just when.

x x x x x

Edward had an appointment with his shrink that afternoon, so I had no other choice but to go "home." I spent my time by trying to do my homework, but my mind was always somewhere else. With Edward. Of course.

I doodled little hearts in the margins of my notebook, and I rolled my eyes at myself. It was ridiculous. Soon I was going to start writing our names – and then add his last name to mine.

Maybe I'd even write Mrs. Edward Cullen.

I ripped the page out of my notebook, scrunching it into a ball and throwing it in the trash basket. I was being ridiculous.

I didn't even know how I felt about him yet, and now I wanted to marry him?

Maybe I did need a shrink.

When Edward was done, he came to pick me up. Emmett was driving, and he cast a wary glance at us in the rearview mirror as we settled in the back seat. I dragged my hand through Edward's hair and he sighed in contentment. I wondered if my presence did anything to help with his anxiety.

"Do you talk to him about it?" I asked him quietly. He made a humming sound that told me to elaborate. "Your shrink… do you talk about the anxiety?" He nodded softly.

"I did today," he said.

"And?"

"And nothing," he replied with a semi-clipped tone.

"Sorry I asked," I mumbled.

When we got to their house, Edward helped me out of the car while Emmett watched in utter fascination. I felt like a freaking zoo animal. Edward noticed and snapped his eyes to him.

"I've never seen you look so fucking fascinated by anything since you found out how to order pay-per-view porn!" Edward snapped, but Emmett was completely unaffected.

"Well, sorry," Emmett replied calmly. "It's not my fault that hell has frozen over."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Edward asked angrily.

Emmett chuckled, crossing his arms over his chest. "Is she the mountain goat?" he asked.

"Oh God," I mumbled, hiding my face in my hand as I steadied myself on one of my crutches with the other.

"Go fuck a chainsaw," Edward muttered, before handing me my other crutch so we could get away from Emmett.

Walking up the stairs to Edward's room on the third floor was painful – but not as painful as being ridiculed by Emmett. He probably didn't mean anything by it, he was just joking around with his brother, but it still bothered me.

Edward closed the door and locked it behind us. He didn't seem to relax until the lock clicked and we were safe. Safe from Emmett. Safe from everyone. Safe from the world.

Yeah, I liked that.

I went to sit on his bed, and he looked down at the floor as he followed me, slowly shaking his head and smirking. I didn't need to be a mind reader to know where his mind was.

I put the crutches on the floor and fiddled a little with the sparrow around my neck.

I had never taken it off since he gave it to me. Once I found out about its true value, my first thought had been to give it back to him. I saw no reason for him to buy me a two-hundred-dollar necklace. He obviously knew this. He had known when he gave it to me that I would never have accepted his gift if I had known its true value. The fact that he made up some cheesy lie about it being from a gumball machine made me love it even more.

I couldn't give it back now, even if he had wanted me to. I loved it too much. It was the nicest gift anyone had ever given me. It was thoughtful and it meant something. Nobody knew its meaning besides us, which only made it even more significant.

He sat down beside me and looked down at his hands in his lap.

"So… are we gonna talk now?" he asked cautiously, he glanced up at me and I nodded. He relaxed, and I realized he had probably thought I was going to go back on my word. I wasn't. Not this time.

I took a deep breath and he looked up to meet my gaze.

"She's going to kill you," I blurted.

He furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, his eyes wide in surprise.

"What?" was all he said.

"My mom… that's what she said on the phone. She's going to kill you." His eyebrows furrowed even more, and I told him everything that my mother said on the phone, not leaving one bit out. Edward didn't say a word, he didn't ask any questions. "So you can't talk to the police, and you have to watch your back. Jacob is still around, the police can't touch him unless he does something off the rez… but by then it might be too late. And who knows who else on the rez he's going to send to hurt you. You're a target now."

He was quiet for a moment. Then he nodded slowly.

"That's why you want to find the loophole," he mumbled, mostly to himself. "Not to save yourself, but to save me. If we can find that fucking loophole, you'll be free and they will have no reason to hurt me because I'm not screwing their delusions up."

I nodded. "Something like that."

I flinched when he shot his eyes to me – glaring.

"I can't believe you," he said, his voice low. "You didn't even want to look twice in the book when it was about saving you. But now, when I'm suddenly at risk of getting hurt, then it's okay to look. What the hell, Sparrow? Why don't you ever want to save yourself? "

He sounded so worn out, so tired. It felt like we'd had this very same conversation so many times before. Even though it was in different versions, the point remained the same. He didn't understand why I didn't want to save myself.

"The next time I see my mother, I won't care if she chops my arm right off if it means that no harm will come to you. Because if you get hurt, I just won't care anymore. If you die, I die. I don't care if it makes me sound melodramatic or like a lovesick teen. It's the truth. You saved me, Edward. And I can't let her hurt you. Not after everything."

"And I can definitely not let her hurt you. Not after everything," he replied simply. He reached out and put his hand under my jaw, right where he could feel my pulse. "This," he said, "is the most important thing you can ever do to me. I don't fucking care if you ever see a shrink, I don't even care if you go completely insane and run around dressed in a pink tutu while singing songs in jibberish. As long as you have a pulse, as long as your heart keeps beating, you're fucking mine. Okay? Keep your heart strong, because it's all I want. I will love you even if you go insane."

My bottom lip quivered, my eyes welling up with tears. I hated it when he talked like that. Like I was all he was living for now. Like I was his everything. His love scared me. He loved me on levels that were completely foreign to me. He loved me on levels that I couldn't even comprehend. I knew he wasn't faking, either. I had grown to know his eyes, and I could tell when he was lying. When he told me he loved me, he wasn't lying. Not even close.

He leaned over, pressing his lips softly against mine.

I choked on a sob and the tears fell from my eyes as I squeezed them shut.

I wanted to say it back.

I really wanted to.

But I couldn't.

The last person I ever said those three words to stabbed me. She literally stabbed me. She sliced my arms open, almost letting me bleed to death on the living room floor.

How could I ever say those words without being reminded of her and the pain she caused me?

Edward leaned his forehead against mine and I could feel his breath on my face.

"You are something else," he murmured.

I opened my eyes, looking straight into his beautiful, green ones.

"You are too."

He smiled.

"I like you," he said, and I wanted to laugh as he decided to switch the L-word to another.

"I like you too," I replied with a shaky voice. It didn't escape my notice that his breathing hitched. "I really do, I promise," I added.

"Good to know, Sparrow. Good to fucking know," he said, pressing his lips to mine again.

He left the bed then and I looked at him confused, watching as he walked over to his desk and picked up a book. He showed it to me and I sighed as I wiped my tears from my cheeks.

The legends.

He walked back over to the bed. I scooted up and rolled over to my stomach, and he joined me. He put the book between us, glancing at me with a soft smile.

"Let's find that stupid loophole, shall we?" he said, and I laughed bitterly at his cheery tone.

"Maybe we can find a legend that will says you and I are destined to be together," I mumbled.

He glanced at me with a smirk. "You'd like that?"

I looked back at him and shrugged. "I could do much worse."

"You really know how to flatter a guy, Sparrow," he said, rolling his eyes as he opened the book.

I nudged him and he smirked.

I wasn't really looking forward to reading the book, but I guess I had a good reason to. I needed to find a loophole so I could save Edward, and Edward needed to find a loophole so he could save me.

We read in silence for a while, until I just couldn't take it anymore. I rolled over to my back and grabbed his pillow, pressing it over my face. Edward put his hand on my stomach, slowly rubbing soothing circles around my bellybutton with his thumb. He didn't say anything. When I removed the pillow, I saw that he was still reading the book, deep in concentration.

The things I had read were disgusting. It was amazing how many legends they could come up with that involved blood in all its forms. If it wasn't about draining and drinking, it was about painting your face with it and taking a swim in the dark water of La Push Beach at midnight.

There were no scales to rate this kind of crazy.

"When I went to school there they talked about the phases of the moon," he said suddenly and pointed at something on the page he was reading. "They mention it here too. Draining of blood for bonding rituals has to be done during a new moon, and the bonding ritual itself must be done during a full moon. But the markings of the girl can be done in between these… and they can wait months between the rituals to make it more effective…" He was almost mumbling to himself and I looked at him with tired eyes.

"So, how is that helping me?" I asked.

He glanced at me. "It helps you because it means we can figure out when they are going to try next. We can google it and see when the next new moon is and when the next full moon is." He sighed when he saw my doubtful expression. "C'mon, it's something, alright? Knowing when they want to strike gives us an advantage."

"Fine," I said. "But what about the rest? Did you find anything that can get me out of this permanently? My mom said something about the Daughter of the Wise One being reluctant, maybe if I play along I won't be reluctant… therefore cancelling out the legend?"

"Yeah, but I'm sure that if you did your mom would realize you were only faking, therefore cancelling out your reluctance and making the legend true," he said, making it all sound confusing and logical all at the same time. "Besides, you're not going to fake any-fucking-thing. I won't let you go near them, or them you. It's not worth the risk."

He turned the page and continued reading. I put my hand on his, which was still on my stomach.

After a few minutes of staring at the ceiling, I heard him mumble to himself again.

"'… the Daughter of the Wise One will wear feathers which are not her own…'"

I turned my head to him.

"Maybe it refers to me being a Swan… you know? Bird? Feathers?" I said, trying to be helpful.

"Yeah, but what is this part about not wearing your own feathers?" he asked.

"Maybe I'm not a real Swan," I said without thinking.

He turned his head to me. "What?"

"It would make sense," I said as my mind suddenly started to put the pieces together. "The way my dad has been acting… the things my mom has said…" My eyes went wide – as did his – as realization hit me like a ton of bricks. "My dad is not my dad."

"Then who the fuck is?" Edward asked, looking bewildered.

"Who the hell knows where my mom has been?" I asked, throwing the pillow at the wall in frustration. "I don't know!"

"But is it even possible… I mean, maybe it's possible that your dad is your real dad," he said.

"Do I look like Chief Swan's daughter to you?" I asked, quirking an eyebrow. "Do I look like him at all? All I ever heard while growing up was how much I looked like my mother. Not once did anyone tell me I looked like my dad."

"I don't know… I'd rather not look for similarities to Chief Swan in the face of my girlfriend. It would make future fooling around very fucking awkward," he said. I laughed at his ill placed joke, appreciating that he never let the seriousness of whatever situation he was finding himself in get the best of him. He was always true to himself. Never changing.

I gestured to him to get closer, and when he was close enough, I grabbed his shirt and pulled him to me. I pressed my lips to his, and I felt him smirk.

"Yeah, I was right… all I can think about is Chief Swan and his sexy-ass mustache… maybe you should grow one?" he said against my lips.

"You're such a dick," I replied before kissing him a little more deeply.

"You would love my dick. My dick has yet to receive a bad review," he said as he pulled back, planting a kiss on my nose. He reached for the book, putting it next to my head. He was still lying half on top of me as he started to skim through the pages.

"What are you looking for now?" I asked.

"The legend that says that you need to have sex with The Man With The Great Dick, otherwise the world will end," he replied, giving me a serious look. "You don't want to have the end of the world on your conscience now, do you?"

"What happened to no pressure?" I asked, feeling only a little annoyed that he kept pushing the issue. He smirked.

"The fact that you haven't pushed me off yet, and the fact that you haven't hit me again, lets me know that you don't mind it as much as you say you do," he said, sounding very confident in his words.

"Is that so?"

"It's so so." He tucked a piece of my hair behind my ear, smiling softly at me. "I think that you like that I pressure you about it, because if I stopped you would have no reason to fight to get better."

I looked at him in amazement, wondering for real when the hell he got so smart. He knew things about me that I didn't even realize, and when he voiced those thoughts I couldn't do anything but agree with them. I guess I did enjoy his pressure on some level, because it made me want to fight so much harder to be normal and be better for him. Without his pressure, I didn't really have the proper motivation to get better. Not that Edward himself wasn't motivation enough, but his pressure kept me aware that I was trying to get well for a reason.

For a very good reason too.

For us.

And as long has he was pressuring me, I knew he cared. The day he stopped would be devastating. It would be as if he gave up on me. On us. And that would be worse than any pressure he could ever put on me.

He smirked, kissing my nose again before putting his focus back on the book.

I smiled to myself as I watched his eyes travel over the page. The thought of how far we had come in these past few weeks was still hard for me to grasp. It was all so surreal. No wonder I had issues dealing with my feelings for Edward – and trying to get a grip on my urge to just give up, commit suicide and let everything go. My life for the three months before the accident, and my life for the past month, were starting to collide, and my two selves from those times were trying to merge together. Of course it was going to be a bumpy ride, nobody could have expected it to be easy.

I reached out, letting the back of my hand travel down Edward's side. I could see his mouth turning upwards in a smile, but he kept his eyes focused on the book.

Edward was an amazing human being.

How come nobody had ever seen that before?

I glanced at his butt, feeling my face flush as I thought about how perfect his butt looked in those jeans, and I wondered how it looked without them. I wanted to feel his body. All of his body.

Without his clothes.

"What is their definition of the word pure?" I had barely thought the words before they came tumbling out of my mouth. Edward looked at me in surprise, a pleased smirk gracing his lips.

"Saw something you liked, huh?" he said, nodding towards his butt.

"Just answer the question," I said with a sigh.

"Well, according to the crap in this book along with what I heard from Mr. Crazy-Teacher in class, being pure is not just about fucking. Even fucking masturbating can be considered impure… but only if you have fingered yourself," he said.

"What? Please tell me the book didn't use that term," I said, wrinkling my nose in disgust.

"No, but it said something about objects not being allowed down there or whatever. I figure fingering counted too," he said with a shrug.

"What does it say about… pleasure?" I asked, biting my lip in embarrassment. Why were we talking about this? Why the hell did I bring the topic up? He looked away from me, a frown covering his features. "The book did say something… didn't it?"

"Yeah," he admitted reluctantly. "It said that pleasure for the girl was up for the man to decide. If the guy didn't want his girl to get off, then she had no say in it. Female masturbation is frowned upon, but I guess it's nothing they can control… unless the chick has fingered herself or played with toys that aren't Barbies."

"They check if the hymen is intact?" I asked incredulously. "God, how thorough are they?"

"I know, it's insane," he said with a sigh. "It's like they're idiots or something, since the hymen can fucking break without sex even being involved anyway. A girl can break it when she's riding a damn horse." For some reason that made him chuckle as he glanced at me with his playful smirk. "I mean when a girl rides a horse… not when she's riding a horse."

When I realized what he was saying, I couldn't do anything but slap his arm and scrunching my face. That was probably the most disgusting thing he had said all day.

"Ew, Edward. EWW!" I shuddered and he laughed. "You are a freak," I continued. "First mountain goats, and now this?"

He closed the book and put it aside, before focusing all his attention on me. He rested his arms on either side of my head and he smiled down on me.

"Horses and goats got nothing on my bird," he said with a smirk.

"Oh, how could I forget about your bird fetish?" I teased, raising my hand and fisting his shirt in my hand. "Come here, birdboy." I pulled him down to me, his mouth to mine. I finally understood what Edward meant when he had said that my kisses were addictive – because his mouth, his lips and the way they moved with mine, were pretty damn addictive as well.

I felt high in his presence – and not like when I was high on the weed he gave me the last time I was here, or when I was hopped up on pain killers – this was another kind of high. A better one.

"God I love you," he mumbled against my lips, as he let one of his arms leave its place next to my head, and instead went to the hem of my shirt. He slowly let his hand venture underneath the fabric; his hand directly on my skin was like fire. Amazing, wonderful fire.

My breathing picked up and he shifted on top of me, so my good leg was between his. He covered me with his body. I could tell he was trying to keep most of his weight off of me, but I didn't like it. I pulled him closer, feeling more of his weight. I didn't mind, it wasn't uncomfortable. Quite the opposite really. The closer he got, the better.

He started to move a little on top of me, and I felt that tingling again.

Pleasure.

"I think you should spend Christmas with my family," he said suddenly.

I gave him a weird look and he pulled back so we could look at each other clearly.

"What?"

"Christmas. You should spend it here. I mean, you're not gonna spend it with the crazy people, and I doubt Christmas at a reverend's house can be all that fun. Besides… I'm your boyfriend, which technically makes me family, and you should spend Christmas with your family," he rambled, rolling his eyes as if he didn't mean every single word he said.

I smiled and nodded excitedly.

"I'd really like that. A lot," I replied.

"I guess Santa thinks I've been good this year," he said.

"Yeah? Why's that?"

"Because he just gave me the most fuckawesome Christmas gift," he replied, and I rolled my eyes at his cheesiness. I stroked his cheek with my finger, enjoying the scruff that he had yet to shave.

I wanted this to last forever. I never wanted to leave. I was safe here.

I knew every good thing came to an end eventually, but if I wanted the end to this to be far, far away into the future, I knew what had to be done first. The Blacks and my mom had to be dealt with.

"We should look up when the next new moon is," I said reluctantly.

He nodded and rolled off me – but not before giving me a quick peck on the lips.

He got off the bed and walked over to his laptop on his desk. He turned to me as it booted up. I was still lying on my back on his bed. He smirked at me and I smiled back.

"You know what we should do?" he asked, I shook my head. "Do something outrageous during the next blue moon… just to fuck with them."

"What does a blue moon mean to them?" I asked.

"The most epic of full moons. A ritual taking place during a blue moon is considered to be the most binding one. Shit like that goes down in their fucking history books because blue moons are so rare. It only happens every few years," he explained, sitting down by his desk.

My smile froze on my face.

My mind reeling.

Did I just find my loophole?

"Edward," I said slowly, he turned around to look at me. "Maybe we should… you know… have sex during a blue moon?" His eyes went wide and he couldn't have looked more surprised even if he had tried. "I mean… if we… do that during a blue moon… maybe no purification ritual would work on me? Maybe I would be considered damaged goods and a lost cause? If a blue moon is so important to them as you say it is, then maybe… just maybe… it would work? Maybe that's our loophole?"

He opened and closed his mouth a few times.

Much to my surprise he shook his head.

"No."

"What?"

"No," he repeated, shaking his head. "I'm not going to fuck you just so they will leave you alone. I most definitely won't take your virginity just because it would be considered a loophole. That shit is all kinds of wrong. So no. I'm not going to fuck you during a blue moon."

He turned back to his computer and started searching for the upcoming phases of the moon.

I tried not to feel bad about the way he just shot me down. I had to keep telling myself that he didn't reject me – he was just rejecting the idea of having sex with me for the wrong reasons. Which was a pretty admirable thing, if you thought about it. But it didn't do much to less the hurt. I knew he wanted to have sex with me – he kept pushing for it all the time – but that didn't mean I didn't feel rejected when I just gave him an opportunity to do it, and he didn't take it. A part of me - the very insecure part – wondered if he really did want me that much, or if all he was after was the chase.

I shook my head at myself. Of course he wanted me. How many times did he have to prove it to me before I accepted the fact?

He typed away at his computer and soon he spoke.

"According to this, there will be a new moon…hrm… what date is it today? Whatever, it doesn't matter. There's no way they will get to you in time to do it, so the next new moon is in the middle of January. So we have time," he told me without tearing away from the screen. I nodded; that was a relief. Kind of.

Suddenly, a dark laugh escaped him. I didn't like the sound of that.

"What? What did you find?" I asked, sitting up.

"Do you know when the next blue moon is?" he asked, and I shook my head.

He turned around, smirking.

"You should rethink what you just offered me," he said. "Because the next blue moon is on New Year's Eve."