Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, I just play with them. This story is rated M, and is not suitable for younger readers. Story contains violence, coarse language and sexual "situations". Please do not read if any of these things offends you.
Note: [Beta'ed by: ShowTunesJesus & idealistic4ever]
Chapter 47 – "Snowball, part 1"
Isabella Swan POV
"…and I have given the numbers to Dr. Cullen, but I also printed them all out for you here," Mrs. Weber said, handing over a piece of paper with a bunch of names and phone numbers on it. "Every number you'll ever need in any circumstance is on that paper. If, for whatever reason, you want to leave the Cullens, we have made sure that you can stay with Kate in Port Angeles until we get back. We all agreed that would be for the best. She's only a phone call away, and she promised she'd drop everything if you need her." I folded the paper and put it in one of the pockets of my bag. "Do you have everything you need?"
I nodded and zipped my bag closed. On my desk laid the gift that I had bought for Edward. It was neatly wrapped in red and green Christmas paper and tied with a nice, curled ribbon. I was so nervous about giving it to him. What if he didn't like it?
I may not have had that much money, but that still hadn't been my biggest problem when I went shopping with Jasper and Alice. My biggest problem had been that I'd never had a boyfriend before. I had no idea what the hell you were supposed to buy your significant other for Christmas. Yes, Edward had bought me the sparrow necklace, and given it to me early, so I guess jewelry worked. Did that mean I was supposed to give him jewelry as well? He didn't seem to be the jewelry-wearing type of guy anyway. The difference was also that the necklace had a meaning; it was special to the both of us. There was no jewelry I could ever buy for him that held the same significance.
That was the thought that kept me going through all of those stores. I needed to find something significant. It didn't matter if it cost me five dollars or fifty dollars. I was only looking for the significance. And then I found it. But now, as it lay on my desk, all wrapped up, I was starting to get nervous. I had worked on it for the past few days to get it perfect, but now it just felt childish and ridiculous. Cheesy even.
Mrs. Weber picked up my bag and grabbed the gift from the table.
"Jasper is already waiting for you," she said.
I nibbled on my lip as I wobbled my way towards the front door. The snow was falling heavily outside, and I silently cursed my cast again. I couldn't get it off soon enough. Jasper smiled at me as Mrs. Weber handed him the bag, and he put Edward's gift under his arm.
"You ready to go?" he asked me, and I nodded silently.
I muttered goodbye to Mrs. Weber before slowly making my way over to Jasper's car. As I came closer, I noticed that Rosalie was sitting in the passenger seat, and Alice was in the back. Alice waved at me, and I bit down harder on my lip. Jasper nudged me gently with his arm.
"She's not that bad, is she?" he asked me quietly.
I glanced at him, giving him a look that said it all.
He sighed. "She really isn't that bad," he said, defending her. "She's just more intense than other people. She has a lot of energy, and she doesn't know what to do with it… so she's… well… excited."
"Are you sure she's not on drugs?" I asked.
He laughed as he opened the door for me. I put the crutches on the floor before getting in. Jasper handed me my bag, and I held it in my lap. He closed the door and as soon as I settled in my seat, Alice was yapping in my ear.
"Are you excited about spending Christmas with Edward? It's a big deal, you know. You're practically spending Christmas with your in-laws! I remember the first time I was over for dinner with Jasper's family. I was so nervo-"
"Alice, give it a rest," Rosalie said with a tired sigh.
Alice pursed her lips and scowled at her – who seemed completely unaffected. During all this, Jasper had gotten in the car and began driving down the snowy street.
"Perfect weather," Rosalie noted. She liked snow? She didn't come off as a snow-person.
"Absolutely," Jasper replied. "Emmett and Edward won't know what hit them this year. This year, girls, is our year."
"Damn straight," Rosalie said, still with her calm and collected voice, but with a smirk gracing her lips.
"Should I be warning Edward about something?" I asked, wondering what the hell they were talking about.
Rosalie turned in her seat, looking at me with a threatening glare. "No. You're not saying a word."
Jasper laughed, as Rosalie turned back around. "Every year we have a major snowball fight in Ed's and Em's backyard. Me and the girls versus them. They win almost every year."
"Yeah, because Emmett's a freaking cheater," Alice huffed.
"Puh-lease," Rosalie said, waving her hand dismissively in Alice's direction. "Edward is the cheater, and he is corrupting Emmett. My man just wants to win so badly, it's not his fault he can't stand up to him. Edward is a class-A manipulator, and he can trick anyone into doing anything he wants."
"Edward isn't like that at all," I said, the words tumbling out of my mouth before I even realized I had thought them. "He's not some soulless monster. He's a great guy."
In the rearview mirror I could see Rosalie roll her eyes.
"Oh, girl," she said with a sigh. "He's got you so tightly wrapped around his pinky that he's cutting off circulation… more blood for his dick, I suppose," she added under her breath.
Jasper glanced at his sister, shaking his head. "I think you're wrong on this one, sis," he said. "Edward doesn't have anyone wrapped around his pinky… but Bella sure does."
I gave him a tired look. "That's not even the least bit true," I said with a sigh.
Jasper met my gaze in the rearview mirror, smirking. "You sure about that?"
I rolled my eyes and decided to keep out of the conversation until we reached Edward's house.
Soon, we were pulling up in front of their house. I couldn't help the smile on my face when I saw that Edward was already waiting for us outside. But the smile froze on my face when I met his gaze. He wasn't happy. Something was definitely wrong.
He was wearing a turtleneck with his usual black leather jacket over it. His hair was hidden beneath a tight, black beanie. He looked absolutely gorgeous and absolutely wrong at the same time. He was quickly by my door, opening it for me, and holding out a hand to help me out. When I was out, I tried to smile at him when he leaned down to kiss me, but it felt wrong.
"Four days, just you and me," he murmured against my lips.
"And the rest of your family," I added, kissing him again like nothing was wrong, before pulling away. I leaned down and retrieved my crutches, as Edward threw my bag over his shoulder.
I jumped in surprise, when Jasper was suddenly by our side, holding a big lump of white fabric. It looked… fluffy. Edward smiled crookedly at me, and I looked at Jasper confused.
"Wanna try it on?" Jasper asked.
"Eh… what is it?" I asked.
He held out the fabric in front of him, and I realized quickly what it was. It was a bright white, one-piece snowsuit.
"Rosalie bought it last year, but she never used it. She's taller than you, so it might be a little big, but hopefully your cast will fit," he explained.
"A snowsuit? What the hell am I supposed to do with a snowsuit?" I asked just as Emmett appeared out of nowhere, throwing an arm around my shoulder so hard I almost lost balance.
"Because my brother said he didn't want to be in the fight this year, unless you were too," Emmett said, and Edward rolled his eyes.
"Ehh… you do realize that my leg is in a cast right? I can barely walk with crutches in this snow as it is. What makes you believe I'll be able to be in a snowball fight at all?" I asked.
"That's what I said," Edward smiled softly at me. I smiled back, thankful that he at least knew how impossible the idea was. No matter how fun it sounded.
"And that's when I said that you'll just be purely defense. You'll be behind the wall, making snowballs. You won't need to move around," Emmett said.
I looked back at Edward, silently asking with my eyes what I was supposed to do. Edward gave me a look that clearly said that there was no way out of this one.
"Well, I guess I'm defense then," I said with a sigh. "So, I'll be on Edward's and your team then?" I asked, looking at Emmett.
"Oh, God no," Emmett said, shaking his head violently. "You'll be with me and Rosalie."
"Y-you and Rosalie?" I asked, confused. "But Jasper said that you and Edward always teamed up."
"Yeah, but I decided that we're doing things differently this year," he said. He leaned closer to my ear and stage-whispered, "And with Jasper and Alice on the same team, we'll only need to worry about Edward. Never put couples on the same team… if you know what I mean." He wiggled his eyebrows at me, and I scrunched my nose. That was a mental image I could have lived without.
"What about you and Rosalie? You guys are a couple too," I argued.
"Yeah, but we have our hormones under control," Emmett said proudly, which earned a synchronized snort from Edward and Jasper. "We do!" he argued. "We're in it to win it."
"You're deluded," Edward said, grabbing the snowsuit from Jasper. "We'll see you guys in the backyard in two hours. Until then… back the fuck off."
Emmett removed his arm from around my shoulders, holding his hands up in mock surrender.
I bit my lip to keep from smiling, and Edward scowled at him. We walked up the steps to the house, and Edward helped me brush off the snow from my shoes. He told me his parents were in Port Angeles for the day and wouldn't be back until later.
"So, you wanna sleep with me?" he asked out of nowhere as we walked up the stairs to his room.
"Wh-what?" I spluttered in shock, my eyes wide.
He chuckled quietly, shaking his head. "I meant, do you want to sleep in my room or in the guest room? My mom prepared the guest room for you. I'm pretty fucking sure my parents want you to sleep there, but I'd rather have you sleep in my room. And as you so nicely pointed out to my dad the last time you were here, they have no fucking reason to worry about us being in the same bed anyway. So I see no reason as to why you can't choose for yourself." He stopped in the middle of the stairs to the third floor, and I turned to him. "Besides, Rosalie sleeps in Emmett's room when she's here. They never question it. So why should they question you sleeping in my room?"
I smiled. I rested my right crutch against my left hand, so I could reach out and touch his cheek. He automatically leaned into my touch.
"Are you trying to convince me or your parents?" I asked with a smile in my voice.
He rolled his eyes. "Both?" he replied. "So what do you say? My bed, yay or nay?"
I imagined sharing four nights with Edward in his bed, having his arms securely wrapped around me. Nobody could touch me. I would be safe.
"Yay," I said, nodding. "Absolutely yay."
His smile was so wide I was sure it was going to break his face. Yet, it was still wrong. Something in his eyes kept me from believing his smile. I turned around, and we continued our journey up the stairs to his room. His room was home to me. When we walked in, daylight was pouring in through the wide windows, the snow outside making the room appear even brighter. Then there was the boy. The boy who made even the darkest room appear brighter
My boy.
Edward put my bag on the floor and the snowsuit on the bed before turning to look at me. He gave me a confused look and chuckled awkwardly.
"Why are you looking at me like that?" he asked.
"Like what?"
"Like you… I don't know, just like that," he said, gesturing towards me.
"I'm sorry, I guess I'm gonna stop looking at you from now on then," I said with a sad smile.
He gave me another weird look but didn't say anything else. It reminded me about that time in the cafeteria at school, a few days before winter break. I had kissed him in front of a room full of people, not caring what anyone thought. He had looked just as confused then. But also pleased. Definitely pleased. But today, his confusion seemed off. And so very wrong.
Tanya had cornered me in the girl's bathroom the day before I surprised Edward by kissing him in the cafeteria. She cornered me after seeing Edward kissing me by my locker. She didn't like it obviously, so she attacked me, telling me how much of an idiot I was for letting Edward fool me. She asked me how I could be so stupid as to believe that Edward really wanted me and, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, the usual routine. It didn't bother me then and it didn't bother me now. Not even a little bit. It surprised me at first before I realized why that was.
I felt sorry for Tanya. How desperate and lonely does a person have to be before she resorts to stuff like that? How sad was her life if she found pleasure in trying to ruin a beautiful thing between Edward and me? Was she really that jealous? Or was she just that pathetic?
Another reason as to why her words did nothing to affect me was the fact that I trusted Edward – with my whole heart and with my life. There was no one in this world I trusted more, so of course a few random insults from Tanya wouldn't change that. Nothing would change that.
And with all that other stuff going on in my life – with my mother on the loose, and the question of who my real father was – high school drama was not high on my list of priorities. Tanya needed a reality check, something to show her that there was life outside of high school. High school drama was a drop in the ocean compared to what I had to deal with, which made it so much easier to ignore her hurtful words. They only reminded me that I had bigger issues to deal with, which made it easier to just relax and enjoy Edward's company even at school. It was amazing how such a trivial event could change so much.
Edward removed his beanie and put it on his desk. His hair was disheveled, and got even worse when he dragged his hand through it. I loved it when his hair looked like that.
A complete mess.
Just like us.
"So, tell me about the big annual snow fight," I said, wobbling over to the couch by the window. "The brothers versus the others, but not this year?"
"Yeah, something like that," he said, sitting down next to me. He pulled up one leg underneath him, sitting sideways on the couch so he could look at me. He rested his elbow against the back of the couch, leaning his head against his knuckles. "We've done it for years. At first it was just the guys, but then the girls said they wanted in. Emmett and I were a team because Emmett spewed some shit about us having to defend our land since we always have the fight in our backyard."
I smiled. "It sounds awesome," I said honestly, silently wishing I had siblings to share stuff like that with. But then I remembered that I used to have Jacob, and we used to share similar stuff. Edward reached out and tucked my hair behind my ear.
"We don't need to do it unless you really want to, you know," he said. "With your leg and all…"
"And you don't need me to be in the games for you to join in either, right? You can be in the fight without me," I pointed out.
"Yeah, I know," he said with a half-shrug.
"I guess we're playing in the snow then," I said.
He chuckled. "I guess we are." He reached out to touch me again, and I leaned into his hand. He smiled crookedly at me. "You still don't like Emmett though," he said with a sigh.
"Does that bother you?" I asked.
"No… well, yeah, I guess it does," he said with a sigh. "I mean, he's my brother, you know? And I know he's a fucking meathead who doesn't know left from right, but I've forgiven him for taking your side after the accident. Frankly, there was nothing to forgive. He did what I was supposed to do–"
"What happened to not letting random events in your life affect who you are as a person?" I asked, cutting him off. I frowned as I looked at him. He looked tired as he replied.
"We all change, Sparrow. Every fucking day we change. So of course the accident changed me. Didn't it change you too?" he asked, almost sounding desperate. "Can you honestly say that you're the very same person you were the night of the accident as you are now?" I didn't have an answer for that, and he knew it. "Thought so," he said when I didn't reply.
He let his hand fall down to his lap as he gazed at me.
"I haven't changed that much," I said weakly, not liking the turn this conversation was taking. Was he trying to tell me something? Something bad? What was it? I nibbled on my bottom lip and felt it quiver slightly. Why was I suddenly feeling so afraid?
"Yeah, you have," he said softly, with a smile in his voice. "The girl from before the accident would never have let me go to second base with her. The girl from before the accident would never have grabbed me for a kiss. And the girl from before the accident would definitely never have fucking kissed me in front of a cafeteria full of people. So yes, Sparrow, you have changed… a lot."
"Is that… bad?" I asked, feeling unsure.
He smiled, shaking his head. "No, it's fucking good. You're fucking good." He scooted closer to me, putting his hands on either side of my face and pulling me in for a kiss. His lips were soft and perfect against mine.
At least that was something that would never change.
I knew there was a "but" to his little speech, but instead of asking him for it, I decided to get lost in the kiss. Kissing Edward was easier to handle than talking about the things that were wrong. We were always focusing so much on the things that were wrong that I wanted this weekend to be different. For once, I wanted to concentrate on the good things.
And currently, the good thing was the feeling of his wonderful lips against mine.
x x x x x
"It's not funny," I muttered, clenching my fists in the white mittens that Edward said were his mom's. Edward stifled a laugh, and Jasper was trying hard to keep a straight face.
"Never said it was, sugar," Jasper said, his voice too collected and calm to be natural. I glared at him, and Edward pressed his lips together hard as he stepped over to me. He was trying not to smile or laugh, and it was starting to piss me off.
"You're beautiful," Edward assured me, kissing my temple. But his words did nothing to settle my annoyance, since they were bubbling with laughter underneath.
"Since when is the Pillsbury doughboy beautiful?" I asked, throwing my arms out in frustration. I jumped awkwardly on one leg over to the full body mirror that was hanging on the door to Edward's bathroom. "I look ridiculous!"
Edward made a snorting sound, and I could tell he was trying very hard to contain his laughter. I looked at my reflection, groaning as I clenched and unclenched my fists at my sides.
Rosalie's white snowsuit was big on me, definitely, and wasn't flattering at all. It wasn't hugging to me anywhere – except a little around my cast – and it was impossible to believe that Rosalie really was that much bigger than me. I thought she was just taller, but apparently she also had more meat on her bones. I guess that wasn't so surprising though; I had lost a lot of weight over the course of the past few months. I guess I hadn't really noticed.
The snowsuit was warm and cozy, though. Alice had been nice enough to alter the snowsuit a little too; she made it so there was no hole for my foot at the bottom of the leg where my cast would be. This way, I wouldn't need to worry about getting snow on my cast because no snow could get inside. But no matter how cozy the snowsuit was, no matter how perfect it was made so no snow would get inside and ruin the cast, it still didn't change the fact that I looked like the Pillsbury doughboy. Very white and very fluffy.
And so very cozy.
Edward chuckled again, and I glared at him in the mirror.
"Laugh it up, Cullen," I said. "You won't be laughing when my team kicks your ass."
He stopped laughing, and he smirked at me instead.
"Oh, bring it, Swan. Show me what you got," he teased.
I stuck my tongue out at him, and he rolled his eyes as he handed me my crutches. I looked at them and then at him.
"What am I even supposed to do with them in the snow?" I asked.
He made a point by sighing dramatically and rolling his eyes slowly before he surprised me by picking me up. With his one arm behind my back and the other under my knees, he was going to carry me downstairs. I put my arms around his neck, and he smiled.
"You're so easy, Sparrow," he murmured. "If you wanted me to carry you downstairs, all you needed to do was ask." I gave him a weird look, and he laughed. "You didn't want your crutches," he clarified.
"You're an idiot," I said softly, and he laughed.
I hadn't meant it like that when I asked him what I was going to do with my crutches in the snow, I was just pointing out the problem. I figured I would leave them by the door or something and then jump on one leg to the middle of the yard. But who was I to argue if Edward wanted to carry me?
When we got outside, two walls of snow had already been created about twenty-five feet away from each other. Alice was making snowballs behind one of the walls, while Emmett put some extra snow on the wall on his side, to make it more stable.
Edward put me down on my feet, and I turned to him.
"So I guess this makes us enemies again," I said, and he nodded seriously.
"I promise to go easy on you," he said, leaning in to kiss me. I put a hand on his chest and slowly shook my head.
"Give me your best, or don't give it to me at all, okay?" I said, quirking an eyebrow.
He smirked, and I could tell that his mind where going somewhere else. My boy really did have a one-track mind. I rolled my eyes and pushed him a little harder, making him step away from me.
"Don't be a douche," I told him.
"What? I didn't say anything!" he protested.
"No, but you were thinking it."
"So now a guy's not allowed to think?"
Rosalie walked up beside me, giving Edward a snotty look. "It shouldn't be a problem for you though. It's not like you do it very often anyway, so won't make much difference to you."
"Ha ha, very funny," Edward muttered.
"Good luck, sweetie," I said teasingly, before turning around and following Rosalie back to our side of the yard.
Walking in the snow without my crutches was an interesting thing. I half walked and half jumped my way over to our wall. My leg wasn't bothering me much at all anymore. It didn't even hurt too much when it came in contact with the ground as I put my weight on it for the fraction of a second it took me to take a step. I fell into the snow behind the wall, where Emmett was done with his preparations and was now putting snowballs in a pile. He looked at me and grinned widely. His cheeks were flushed, and he looked like a grown child. He was having a blast, I could tell.
"Bella, you'll be in charge of making sure this pile never gets emptied, alright?" Emmett said hurriedly, as if we were in a real war. I nodded. "Rosalie and I will do what we do best." Have sex? "And that's to shoot through their wall before we hit their asses. Rosalie is our best wall breaker. It's a pain to never get to be on her team, she always breaks our walls."
Rosalie snickered as she put another snowball on the pile. "But you always win anyway because your aim is impeccable," she said to Emmett. "But together, they don't stand a chance."
"Damn right, baby," Emmett said, reaching out to grab hold of Rosalie's snowsuit before pulling her to him roughly and smashing his lips to hers. They were passionate those two, no doubt about it.
Before the fight could start, Emmett stood up and explained the rules to everyone. Even though the others already knew what the rules where, they still listened as Emmett spoke. Maybe this was one of the traditions too. They didn't have many rules, but the ones they did have made sense. One was that you were not allowed to go over to the other team's side – that would be an automatic forfeit. Another was that you were not allowed to use ice in the snowballs – Edward told me later that that rule came about because one year Emmett did use ice in the snowballs, which resulted in him giving Jasper a concussion.
Soon, the fight started and Emmett started throwing snowballs at an amazing speed – and Rosalie wasn't far behind. I didn't see much of what was going on on the other side, so I just made snowball after snowball as quickly as I could, considering the pace at which they were throwing them. Laughter and yells echoed through the yard, and it didn't take long for me to get caught up in the excitement of it all too. When Emmett got hit in the head, I laughed. He glared at me, but I could see the grin that he could barely contain.
Eventually, I peeked out behind the side of the wall and saw Edward. Or part of him anyway, he was hunched behind the wall, and I could tell he was making snowballs. I grabbed one from our pile and did the last thing I thought I would do today.
I actually threw a snowball.
Emmett laughed at me as he watched my poor throw. Not only did I have the worst aim, I also had no sense of coordination when it came to the strength behind the throw. The snowball landed a foot or so in front of their wall, and then ever so slowly rolled its way to Edward, lightly touching his leg where it stopped.
"Nice," Rosalie said. "Maybe you should stick to making snowballs. Okay, hun?"
Edward looked out from behind the wall, noticing me. He was smirking and chuckling at the same time.
"Did you just try to throw a snowball at me, Sparrow?" he called out.
"Maaaaybe?" I called back.
"Oh, this is so on!" he called back, and suddenly my team had to duck behind the wall as it was peppered by snowballs.
"Damnit, the wall is breaking," Emmett said as he pointed out a big crack that ran down the middle. "We need to do something! Quick!"
"We're almost out of snowballs, what the hell do you suggest we do?" Rosalie hissed.
They looked at each other, daring the other one to be the first one to voice a bad idea.
That's when it hit me.
"I know," I said, a smile creeping up my lips.
"Yeah? And what's that? Surrender? Don't think so," Rosalie replied annoyed.
"Oh, quite the opposite. Get your snowballs ready. Edward is about to come running," I said.
"Yeah? Why so?" Emmett asked.
"Because I'm going to do this," I said before collecting myself so I could yell out, "DAMNIT! MY LEG! IT HURTS… OH GOD IT HURTS…!"
"EDWARD! EDWARD! IT'S A TRICK! EDWARD!" I heard Jasper call, but from the sounds of it, Edward didn't listen, and I could hear him run from his side. Emmett and Rosalie quickly peppered him with snowballs, and he cursed like a sailor before he made it to behind our wall and to my side.
"You okay!" he asked, putting his hands on either side of my face and staring at me intently. His face was flushed and wet with snow and he looked absolutely gorgeous.
"We win," I said to him.
He looked at me incredulously and dropped his hands from my face.
"You serious? You used that against me?" he asked.
"What? My team was losing, and I needed to help out the only way I could," I said, biting my lip, hoping his anger was fake and that he would lose his façade and laugh it off like the rest of us. "Are you mad?" I teased.
"Mad? Of course I'm fucking mad! You can't use that shit against me like that!" he yelled, clearly showing me that his anger wasn't fake. Not even a little bit.
"Edward, calm down," Rosalie said, surprising me by coming to my defense. "She was just playing the game like the rest of us. Remember the year when I pretended that Emmett had hit me with one of his iceballs? Nobody threw a fit that time, so you don't need to get your panties in a twist over this one either, okay?"
"But this is fucking different," Edward spat, getting up on his feet and brushing off the snow from his pants. Unlike me, he wasn't wearing a snowsuit.
"Yeah, and why is that?" Rosalie asked with a sweet tone.
"Because your head wasn't already fucking crushed because of something Emmett did," he snapped. He walked away, kicking the snow as he went. Before I knew it, the door to the patio slammed behind him as he disappeared inside.
I stared at the house and felt the tears well up in my eyes. I hadn't meant to hurt him. It was just a joke. But I should have known that jokes related to my leg wouldn't go over well with him. I was so stupid. He had told me over and over again how much he blamed himself for what happened. And now I do this? And for what? To win a stupid snowball fight? What kind of person was I?
"Don't worry, Bella. It will blow over," Rosalie said, giving me the most compassionate look she'd ever given me. "Edward will know he overreacted, and then he'll come back and apologize."
"But that's the thing," I said. "He didn't overreact. He had every reason to react like he did. I'm the idiot here. I know him, and I know that my leg is a sore topic to him… it was wrong of me to use it as a way to win a stupid game."
I scrambled to my feet and began my awkward journey to the patio. An arm wrapped around my waist, and my arm got slung around someone's shoulders. I turned my head to see Jasper.
"Let's not give Edward another reason to get angry. Walking without crutches is probably not a good idea," he said, and I snorted.
"Who the hell cares about my leg," I muttered. "They should have chopped it off at the hospital. That way I wouldn't even be in this mess."
"Yeah, and if they had chopped off your leg, how do you think Edward would be feeling right now? You really think a chopped off leg would have been easier for him to deal with than the temporary pain and discomfort you are in now?" Jasper asked. I didn't answer because the man had a point – and I was not about to tell him that.
"He hates me now," I said when we reached the door.
Jasper sighed. "Bella, listen to me. Edward loves you. Very much so. He doesn't hate you, I'm pretty sure he was just caught off guard by your stunt. He wasn't prepared for it because he didn't think you of all people would fight dirty. He knows you didn't mean anything by it, and that you definitely didn't mean to hurt him. He's just being Edward. He doesn't like to lose, and he's a stubborn son of a bitch."
I sighed and felt a tear slip from my eye. "I just hope he doesn't give up on me. He has given me so much, and I keep hurting him and pushing him away. I can't help it. He means so much to me, and I appreciate every moment that I have with him. But it's just a matter of time before he gets fed up with me and decides that I'm not worth the trouble," I rambled in one breath. It was amazing I could even get all those words out. It also amazed me that I said them at all; I didn't even realize I was thinking them until they were out. Another tear slipped from my eye, and I choked on a sob. "But that won't matter… because in the end, I would rather have had a little time with him than no time at all."
Jasper chuckled sadly and rubbed my arm. "C'mon, Bella, when did you become such a Hallmark card?" he asked. "What's up with all this 'better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all' bullshit? Seriously."
"Because it's the story of my life," I sniffled.
"Don't go all pessimistic on me now, gorgeous," he said, squeezing my waist a little as we walked. "If he breaks your heart, I promise you, I'll break his balls."
I sob-snorted, and he smiled. "Now that should be a Hallmark card," I joked, and he laughed.
Jasper helped me upstairs, but I made him leave before I even entered Edward's room. I didn't know if I dared to enter. What if he was really mad? I raised my hand and knocked on his door tentatively.
"Edward, it's me… can I come in?" I asked, resting my head against the doorframe and tracing the lines in the door with my finger. The door opened wide, and I smiled softly at him before walking past him. I didn't dare to go to his bed, so I made it over to his couch instead, where I started to pull off the snowsuit.
"I'm really sorry," I began, when I finally got the top part off. "I didn't mean to upset you. It was just that our wall was breaking and we were losing and… I wanted to help. You saw how ridiculous it looked when I tried to throw a snowball at you. I rolled a snowball at you. How pathetic is that?"
He didn't answer. He was still standing by the door he just closed. His hand was on the doorknob. He was still as a statue.
"Edward, talk to me," I pleaded.
"It's okay," he said quietly. "I'm over it."
"You are? You don't seem like you are," I argued.
"Let's just forget it, okay?" he said.
"Okay."
"Good."
He nodded and stepped over to his desk, fiddling with a few CD's as I tried to get the snowsuit off. The snowsuit was wet and bulky, and it was difficult to get off of me; it had been much easier to get on. I sighed and gave up.
"Can you please help me take off my clothes?" I said, before I realized how idiotic that sounded. "I mean the snowsuit."
The soft smile he gave me as he walked over to help me proved that he was in fact not over it yet. If he had been truly over it he would have made another tasteless joke about removing my other clothes as well. Maybe making a comment about being thorough.
I put my hands on his shoulders as he crouched in front of me and helped me tug off the snowsuit. Finally, when I was free from my snow white cozy shell, I wrapped my arms around Edward's waist and rested my cheek against his chest. He pulled me closer to him without any hesitation and kissed the top of my head.
"Are we still enemies?" I asked. I felt his chest vibrate as he chuckled.
"No, we never were… we were spies," he joked.
"Mmm… undercover spies, I like that," I said. "So what team were we really on?"
"Neither, we were our own team," he said.
I looked up at him and smiled softly.
"We cool?" I asked, and he nodded.
"We cool."
I didn't believe him. His eyes were still wrong.
x x x x x
Another dinner with the Cullens. The difference between this dinner and the one from a few days ago was that we now had the company of Jasper and Alice, as well as Dr. Cullen. The focus was not on me, and I could eat in peace without having to worry about being questioned about… well, anything. It was weird. But what was even weirder were the looks that Edward and Dr. Cullen kept exchanging. It was as if they were having some kind of silent conversation by reading each other's minds. At one point I was even sure Edward shook his head at a question that hadn't been voiced out loud. What was that about?
I sighed and poked at the food on the plate. I was stupid to think that the good part would last. The good part where we could just enjoy each other company and not worry about other stuff. But then, of course, I had to open my stupid mouth and complain about a non-existent pain in my leg and now he was having silent conversations with his father right in front of my face. Was this my fault? Was it about me?
When we were finished, I decided that I needed to speak to Edward. But he beat me to the punch by taking my hand and holding it in his lap as the others started clearing the table.
"Wanna go play in the snow?" he asked gently.
"You really think that's such a good idea?" I asked cautiously.
"I'm not asking you to join another snowball fight," he said, letting go of my hand and pushing his chair back in frustration. I didn't understand why that upset him, and I quickly grabbed his arm before he got away from me completely.
"Okay," I said. "Let's go outside. Just you and me."
"I'll go get your snowsuit," he said, and I reluctantly let go of his arm.
I sighed as I watched him go, and I slumped in my chair. Jasper gave me a comforting smile as he took Edward's plate and mine.
"Don't look so glum, Bella. It doesn't become you," he said teasingly.
"I don't care," I said. "I'm pretty sure Edward hates me for what happened today, so I couldn't care less about what I look like right now."
"Remember what I told you earlier, don't be so pessimistic. When it comes to Edward, you don't need to worry," Jasper said, before leaving the dining room.
At that moment, Edward walked in with the white, fluffy snowsuit in his arms. He had already put on his jacket and beanie. I forced a smile at him, but he barely even looked at me. I quickly wiped the tears I hadn't even realized I had shed before letting him help me get the snowsuit on.
We walked outside, and I had my crutches with me this time. It was an interesting thing to wade through snow that was over a feet deep by using crutches, but it was no more awkward than jumping on one leg, that was for sure.
We made it over to a part of the yard where the snow was still untouched. We sat down, and I couldn't help but giggle as Edward practically disappeared as he laid down. The snow was much deeper there.
He spluttered some profanities when he got some snow in his mouth and face, and I laughed even more. I rolled over, removing the thin snow wall between us and nuzzled close to him. He put his arm around me and hugged me to him. It seemed to be an automatic reaction for him.
"Aren't you cold?" I asked, noticing his jeans were getting wet by the snow.
"I have a hot girl in my arms, how can I be cold?" he answered quietly.
I tilted my head up and met his gaze.
"Talk to me, Edward," I pleaded. He sighed but didn't say anything. "Something is going on in that beautiful, bronze-colored head of yours, and I need to know what. I'm not the only one acting strange on occasion, you know," I added.
"I love you, Sparrow," was all he said.
I sighed and furrowed my eyebrows.
"I know you do," I replied quietly.
The corner of his mouth lifted into the saddest of smiles, and it broke my heart.
"Too fucking bad it's not mutual, huh?" he said.
I had no answer for that.
x x x x x
With Edward acting so weird, I decided that maybe it was for the best if I slept in the guestroom after all. Maybe he needed some space. Something was bothering him, and something was telling me that my stunt today was only a part of it.
Edward didn't even fight me on it, which made me wonder what exactly was going on with him.
I tossed and turned in the bed, trying to fall asleep but not succeeding. I had no idea what time it was, but I figured it was late. After what felt like hours of trying, I decided it was no use. I needed to talk to Edward. Really talk to him. I threw the covers off me, and just as I reached for my crutches I heard a door open down the hall. There was only one other bedroom in this hallway – and it was his parents'. The sound of steps passed my door, and I judged it to be Dr. Cullen; the steps were too heavy to belong to Esme.
I waited a moment, making sure Dr. Cullen was gone, before moving out of the room. Luckily for me, the thick carpet in the hallway muffled my steps.
I was just about to turn for the stairs to the next floor when I heard voices.
"… can't sleep either?" I heard Dr. Cullen ask.
"Why fucking bother," I heard Edward mutter in response.
The voices seemed to be coming from the kitchen. I slowly sat down on the top of the stairs, not feeling even a little bad about eavesdropping.
"Bella seems to be doing well," Dr. Cullen said. "A little too well even…"
"She's not doing well at all. She's in denial or some shit. Nobody with her life can be this fucking calm about what's going on. It's like she's not even aware of what's happening anymore. She lives in a damn bubble," Edward replied. "I fucking hate it."
"Have you talked to her about… well, what you and I talked about the other day," Dr. Cullen asked, and I frowned. I didn't like the sound of that at all.
"I planned to do it, but I kept putting it off because shit got in the way… it never felt like the right time, and then I decided to do it after dinner. But I just couldn't," Edward said, his voice empty.
"Why, Edward? We both know she needs therapy, and at this point I'm fairly certain that you are the only one that can convince her of that fact," Dr. Cullen said. "She was the one that convinced you to seek help, correct? Then why can't you see to it that she gets help too?"
"Because I can't give her the same ultimatum as she gave me," Edward replied, his voice barely audible to me now. "Because if I do, I'm pretty damn sure she won't pick me… and I'd rather have her fucked up and crazy, than have her leave me."
My bottom lip quivered as I got up on shaky legs. I couldn't stand to listen to this anymore. Was this what had bothered Edward today? Had he been obsessing over how to ask me to seek help? Did he honestly believe I would not pick him if there ever was a choice?
I turned towards the stairs, deciding to go to Edward's room. I knew I wasn't going to get any sleep in that hideous guest room, and I needed to do something. I needed to do something that would let Edward know that he had no reason to doubt me. I hated that he didn't know me better than that. But what I hated more was that I had never given him a reason to.
I got into Edward's room, getting into his bed, curling into a ball and silently hating the bulkiness of my cast. I stared at his alarm clock, watching as the numbers slowly changed. Minutes passed slower than what could be considered real.
Soon, I heard footsteps in the hallway, and the door pushed open. I sat up, meeting Edward's confused and surprised gaze. I wanted to tell him how much he meant to me, how I would sacrifice and give up everything for him. I wanted to tell him anything in order to ease his worries and doubts. But nothing of the sort came out.
Instead I said, "I couldn't sleep either."
He smiled crookedly, walking over to the bed and crawling in beside me. He wrapped his arms around me and I snuggled into his naked chest. He was only wearing pajama bottoms. We laid there in silence as I kept going over my options. What could I do to make him not doubt me? How could I convince him that I trusted him with all my heart, and that I would give up anything for him? How could I do that… without using the L-word.
I swallowed thickly as I realized what I could give him; what would make him realize what he meant. Something that we had gone over so many times before, but that I always refused. Maybe this was the one thing I could give him.
"Touch me," I whispered before I had any time to regret it.
He leaned his head back, looking at me with a confused frown.
"What?" he asked, his voice hoarse.
"T-touch me," I whispered again. "Please."
He slowly put a hand on my hip. "Why?" he asked.
I leaned forward and placed a kiss on his lips. "Don't ask why, just… do," I replied.
"You sure?" he asked, his voice so unsure and confused it almost made me think he didn't want it. I nodded again, and he inched his hand higher on my hip and towards my waist. Slowly, he let his hand go under my over-sized t-shirt, stroking my skin gently.
I rolled over to my back and he scooted closer, so he was flush against my side. He let his hand wander upward under my t-shirt, up over my stomach and toward my breasts. I wasn't wearing a bra since I thought it was too uncomfortable to sleep in, and it appeared to have been a good decision, considering the current situation. There was no extra obstacle for him to cross in order to touch me. He put his hand on my breast, and just kept it there without moving. I looked up and met his gaze. I couldn't read his eyes at all.
"Why are you doing this?" Edward asked, his voice lower than usual. "Why are you letting me do this?"
I silenced his questions with my lips. I put my hands on either side of his face and pulled him to me. His hand tightened on my breast and moved a little, so half his body was covering mine. I didn't know what possessed me to do it, but my good leg found itself hitching over his thigh. This elicited a guttural groan from him, and he pushed himself closer to me. Like he could even get any closer now.
Our lips smashed together, our tongues moving together so ferociously it was almost as if we didn't know what the hell we were doing. We were both looking for something, but neither of us knew what that was. And we couldn't help the other one find theirs either.
Edward played with my breast, rolling his thumb over my nipple. It felt good. I think. I didn't even know. My body was experiencing things I had never experienced before, and I didn't know what was good and what was not. But it was Edward doing it to me, how could anything he ever did be a bad thing?
A silent moan escaped me as some part of him rubbed against my underwear. Why wasn't I wearing any pants? Maybe sleeping in only a big t-shirt was a bad thing. Where was that snowsuit?
Another touch and another moan. Edward's hand left my breast and trailed down my stomach. I didn't need to be a genius to know where his hand was going. My breath became labored, and I stopped breathing altogether when he palmed me outside my underwear.
My eyes went wide and he pulled back and looked me steadily in the eyes. But his hand was still on my underwear.
Panic was rising inside of me.
Pure. Pure. Pure. Pure. Pure.
I couldn't even see Edward anymore. Everything around me ceased to exist as I fell down into a deep pit of thoughts that weren't even my own.
I needed to be pure. Why? I didn't know! I just needed to be pure. This was wrong. So wrong. If Edward touched me with his hands meant that pleasure was going to be given to me – not him. Which went against everything I believed in. No. Not me. My mother. I didn't believe this. I didn't need to be pure. Pleasure was not a bad thing. Pleasure was for both the girl and the boy. It was not exclusive to the boy. Pleasure was not a bad thing. But this was bad. Touching me would make me impure. I… I…
His hand disappeared from my underwear, and he started stroking my cheek instead.
"Sparrow, breathe… it's okay," Edward said, his voice sounding as if it came through a tunnel. "It's okay. I won't do anything. I won't touch you… I won't… do anything. Please, Sparrow. I'm sorry."
I didn't even realize I was crying until my body started shaking in sobs. Edward sighed and pulled me to him, and I rested my forehead against his chest as I tried to make sense of my thoughts.
How could those thoughts possess me like that? How could I let them overwhelm me when I didn't even believe them? I didn't share my mom's crazy beliefs. I didn't believe that what she used to say was true. I didn't believe any of it. But still, those thoughts echoed in my head, paralyzing me and making me push Edward away. Again.
With my mom in my head, how could I ever open up completely and let Edward in? How could I ever give myself to Edward… all of me… if I let Mom screw with my head? She wasn't even here!
Maybe this was bigger than I thought. Maybe it wasn't just some things going on in my head that I could figure out and deal with on my own. This was too overwhelming. I couldn't deal. Not on my own.
"Make the ultimatum," I sobbed into his chest. Edward didn't reply, but I knew he heard me. I also knew that he knew exactly what I was talking about.
"I don't want to," he replied eventually with a quiet voice.
"You do, you do want to. Please, make the ultimatum," I pleaded.
He hugged me closer and kissed the top of my head. I almost went limp in his arms. I was so exhausted. I was tired of being so broken. Why couldn't there be anything good about me?
"I love you too much," he whispered, almost sounding apologetic. "I won't make the ultimatum, but I will help you get help if that is what you want."
My heart broke at his words. He said want. Not need. The choice of the word changed the whole point of the sentence.
"I would pick you," I whispered. I was too tired to even talk now.
Edward sighed, and I felt his breath against my hair. He didn't answer me because he didn't believe me. Had I pushed him away for the last time?