Disclaimer:I don't own these characters, I just play with them. This story is rated M, and is not suitable for younger readers. Story contains violence, coarse language and sexual "situations". Please do not read if any of these things offends you.
Note: [Unbeta'ed! – all errors are mine ]
Chapter 48 – "Avalanche, part 2"
Isabella Swan POV
I was exhausted. My body was exhausted. My mind was exhausted.
But I still couldn't sleep. How could I sleep when the boy holding me, loving me, didn't trust that I cared about him too? There was no sleeping now. I sighed and rolled over to my back. Edward eased his grip on me, but I still lay on his arm.
"I can't… I can't sleep," I said. He smiled and sat up before throwing the covers off him. I looked at him as he climbed out of bed. He held out his hand to me and I took it without a second thought. He could be dragging me back to the guest room – or maybe kick me out in the freezing cold - but I didn't care because it was his hand being held out for me to take.
"Let's go outside. The sky is fucking amazing," he said randomly. I couldn't help but smile. Who was I to argue with a pretty boy when he wanted to show me the sky?
We got dressed and he helped me put on the snowsuit. We silently walked downstairs – he didn't carry me this time. And we walked into the kitchen, to the door that led to the backyard. Edward opened the door, and I wobbled out into the cold.
We made it to the middle of the yard, where the snow had been somewhat disturbed by the snowball fight. We lay down and I put my crutches beside me. We looked up at the sky and I gasped. The sky was beautiful!
Thousands upon thousands of stars were spread across the crystal clear sky. There were no clouds to speak of. It was perfect.
"What time is it?" I asked.
"A little after three, I think," he replied, moving away from me in the snow. I gave him a look, which he ignored. Then he started flailing his arms and legs around.
"Edward? You okay?" I asked, but he just kept moving his arms and legs, and it took me a moment before I realized what he was doing. I sat up and grinned at him. He was making a snow angel. "It's three in the morning, and you decide that this is the time to make a snow angel?"
"Yeah, there's no time as the present," he said, keeping his eyes at the sky as he moved. "Nobody fucking knows where we'll be tomorrow. Who knows if we'll even be alive? So, if you want something, you better do it now. Tomorrow might be too late."
My grin faded and he ceased his movements.
"Talk to me," I said with a deep sigh.
He sat up slowly rubbing his face with his hands. But he didn't say anything.
"I overheard you talking to your dad," I said, and he looked at me. "You… you said you didn't want to give the same ultimatum that I gave you, because you didn't think I would chose you. Why would you think that?"
There was no reason to beat around the bush. I needed straight answers from him. I had no idea where his head was at, especially since everything about him had screamed that something was wrong ever since I had gotten here yesterday.
Edward chuckled darkly, picking up some snow, squishing it in his hand and throwing the tiny snowball away. I knew I wasn't asking a fair question, and I guess I already knew the answer. But I needed to hear him say it.
"How can you even fucking ask me that? We both know why the fuck I can't make the ultimatum. Because we both fucking know you wouldn't pick me. There is no reason to pretend otherwise," he replied. "And when you ask me to make the ultimatum… it makes me believe that all you fucking want is an out."
"That's not true," I protested.
"Isn't it?" he said, shooting his eerily green eyes to me.
His words hurt, but no more than the way he was looking at me. He looked at me as if I had betrayed him, even though I hadn't. He looked at me like I had broken his heart, and that I kept breaking it even though all I was doing was sitting here.
"If you want me to leave, I'll leave. I'll go to Kate and spend Christmas with her in Port Ang-"
"You aren't even fucking listening!" he growled, kicking the snow where he sat. "You don't fucking get it, do you? You… me… what the fuck are we even doing? I can't even… fuck… Do you have any idea how much I want to hate you right now? But I can't, because my fucking heart tells me that you're the most wonderful person I'll ever know, and I can't fucking kick you out of my life because I'll fucking die if I do." His voice shook and since my eyes were trained on his face, I immediately noticed when his eyes shed the first tears.
My boy was crying.
I quickly made it over to him, wrapping my arms around him because there was nothing else I could do. He rested his forehead against my shoulder and I closed my eyes.
"This isn't just about me," I said softly. "Something else is bothering you." He didn't make a sound or movement, but that didn't matter. I knew I was right.
"I… I tried so fucking hard. I wanted to give you the perfect gift. I wanted to write a piece and play it for you on the piano. I wanted to give you another piece of my heart, as if you didn't already own it all," he said quietly without raising his head. "And I tried, I tried so fucking hard, but I couldn't even make my hands touch the keys and I don't fucking get it. I don't understand what fucked me up so badly that night that made my muse leave." He took a deep breath, his body shaking violently as he exhaled. "My mind still wants to play. In my head, your lullaby is already written… but I just… can't translate it to the piano. I just… fuck."
He pulled back so roughly I almost tumbled over. He looked me straight in the eyes.
"I don't know what the fuck happened to me that night. I can't remember, and it freaks me the fuck out. Alright? How do I know it hasn't happened before? What if I hurt someone and black it out? What if I killed someone?" his voice was urgent, as if he had waited a long time to get it all out. "What if it happens again and I hurt you? What if I'm a bigger threat to you than your mom?"
I stroked his cold cheek and slowly shook my head.
"Never, Edward," I said. "You would never hurt or kill someone. And you would never hurt me. We both know that."
"I have already hurt you," he said through gritted teeth, as if my words upset him even more. "I fucking crippled you for life. I keep pushing for sex and traumatizing you further. How is that not hurting you?"
I smiled sadly, shaking my head again. "I'm the one pushing for it, because I want to try. What happened tonight was my fault. I thought I was ready when I wasn't. I thought I could handle having your hands on me, but when you touched me… there… it just…" I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. When I had calmed down, and found the words to explain, I opened my eyes again. "I wasn't prepared for the emotions that followed. I didn't expect that your hand outside my underwear like that would be so… intense. It made my mind flood with memories of my mother's voice, telling me how important it was that I'm pure and that pleasure isn't for the girl and… all that other crap that I really don't believe, but which flooded my mind anyway. I can't even explain it."
I hated myself at that moment. Edward was the one breaking down, and yet here I was talking about myself and my issues. It was never about Edward and his demons.
"Why did you choose to push it? Why tonight?" he asked. "When you didn't even want to sleep in the same room."
"Because I want to be better for you, I want to give you something I know you want. And I want to be normal," I explained, leaving out the part about how I thought this was the one thing I could give him that would prove how much he meant to me – even though it blew up in our faces.
"You were willing to give me your body, but you can't say that you… you know what? Never mind," he said, shaking his head and looking away from me.
I took his hand, and held it to my heart.
"I know you think that I don't feel the same for you as you do for me, but that's not true," I protested and he shook his head.
"Then why won't you say it? It's just three fucking words," he said, sounding bitter.
"Because the last person I said those three simple words to ended up almost killing me," I said in frustration. "I know you want me to say them, but what I don't know is why it's so important to you to hear it."
He looked at me for a long while before answering.
"I've done a lot of shit in my life. I've treated people badly. I've been known to be a bad person. But if you could love me, then maybe all that other stuff would go away, you know? If someone like you could love someone like me, that would mean I'm not as bad as people think I am."
"You're not a bad person, Edward," I argued. "You're wonderful. Impossibly so."
"Not wonderful enough to love," he muttered.
I sighed and the gift I had bought him came to mind. Maybe it wasn't a bad idea after all. Right now it felt like the perfect gift. He would get it, and then he would… just get it. At least I hoped he would.
"I adore you," I said quietly, looking down at his hand in mine. "I think you are an amazing human being. The way you treat me, the way you love me… it's nothing I've ever experienced before. You are my family, you are my home, you are my heart. Nothing in this world keeps me here but you. If it weren't for you I'd be dead a million times over by now. You gave me a reason to stay alive. I know you blame yourself for what happened to my leg, and I know you beat yourself up over it all the time… but I don't. I really don't. I can't say that my cast isn't an inconvenience, because it is. Taking a shower is a real drag…" I paused, taking the moment to look up at him and smiling at him softly, "So maybe you could help me out with that tomorrow?" I teased. He rolled his eyes as I continued my speech. "So yeah, the cast is a drag, but it will come off in a couple of weeks. I'll be as good a new. And besides, how can I hate on something that gave you a reason to carry me downstairs today?"
He snorted and shook his head. "You're so full of shit, Sparrow," he said, but with a smile in his voice.
"That might be true, but what I'm saying is still true too," I said with a light shrug.
"After the accident, my dad told me you might not ever run again," he said, sorrow clear in his voice now. "You'll never be as good as new."
"Oh please, like I ever run before?" I said, trying to dismiss his words. "Did you ever see me walking before the accident? I tripped on air on a daily basis, so running wasn't even an option back then. Besides, what would I be running from anyway?"
He shook his head slowly, squeezing his eyes shut before removing his hand from my grasp so he could rub the heels of his hands against his eyes.
"There was blood fucking everywhere, you have any idea how… how… you were so fucking broken when you laid there on the road. But you looked so peaceful too, as if you knew how close you were to death… as if you thought you were dead already," he said as he started rocking back and forth. "But then you woke up at the hospital, probably fucking depressed over the fact that I didn't kill you. I remember the look you gave me when I came to apologize… or whatever the fuck I was gonna do… and I thought you were mad because I hit you, but you were probably mad because I didn't finish the job that I said I would. I would kill you. I fucking said I would kill you. And now, every time I see you, touch you, kiss you, I'm reminded of how fucking badly I treated you. How I actually wanted you dead. And now, that's the worst case scenario for me. Your death means my demise too."
"How did we get here?" I asked, my shoulders slumping. I was so tired.
He let his hands fall to his lap, before he slowly looked up at me.
"I have no fucking clue," he said. "But it sure isn't where I thought I would end up."
"Do you hate that you love me?" I asked, grimacing.
He shook his head. "I just hate that I didn't realize it sooner. If I had, then maybe you would have been in the car with me instead of in front of it."
I smiled sadly, silently considering the possibility. What if Edward and I had become friends before the accident? What if he had been my friend when my mom drank my blood? What if I had stayed over at his house that night? What if…
I shook my head, trying to clear it from those thoughts. Asking 'what if' never resulted in anything but grief. Especially if they were impossible ones.
"Are you angry with me?" I asked.
"No, I'm angry with myself," he replied softly.
"Are we okay?" I asked, biting my lip.
He nodded. "Yeah, we are."
This time, I believed him.
"What does your shrink say about your blackouts?" I asked. "Have you talked about that night at all? Maybe you can try hypnosis or something. I hear hypnosis can make repressed memories resurface."
He shrugged. "We've talked about it. He has talked about what kind of blackouts there are, and stuff but I… I don't fucking know. Last week we talked about getting me an MRI or some shit. Supposedly, meditation could help… but what the fuck am I supposed to do? Sit with my legs crossed and say 'um'? How is that going to help me?"
"Have you tried it?" I asked gently. He gave me a tired look and I smiled softly in return. "I was just asking…"
"He says I need to relax," he continued. "Relaxing my body and relaxing my mind, or some shit like that… that way I'm supposedly leaving the gates to my memories weaker, and I'll be able to access whatever memories I've forgotten… but I don't know. Maybe I blacked out for a reason. Maybe I'm not supposed to remember. Maybe I didkill someone, and if I did, I really don't want to remember."
"First of all," I said. "Have there been any reports of dead bodies turning up in Forks in the past few months that haven't been related to animal attacks? And have there been any reports of missing persons? No, there haven't. So you haven't killed anyone."
As I talked I realized my teeth were starting to clatter violently, and it didn't occur to me until then how freezing it was outside. Even though I was dressed in that cozy snowsuit. I looked at Edward, noticing how his lips were starting to turn blue. His jaw was shaking, as it was clear that he was even more freezing than I was.
I leaned forward and pressed my lips against his cold ones. It was like kissing a snowman.
"We should go inside," I said. "Or we'll turn into snow angels ourselves."
"I suppose you're right," he said, getting up on his feet. He pulled me up and handed me my crutches, before we made our way toward the house. We walked in silence and we had almost reached the house when Edward decided to speak again. "I keep reminding myself that hitting you is something I can't regret, because I can't regret doing something that gave you a reason to be in my life. I just… I honestly don't know if I'll ever get over the fact that you're broken because of me. I know that you don't agree and that's fucking fine… it's just… it is what it is, and I'll have to deal with it somehow."
I frowned. I didn't know what I was supposed to respond to that.
He smiled crookedly and stepped in front of me so he could look me in the eyes as he continued.
"I know you're fine with the accident and all that it brought with it. I know you don't blame me for crushing your leg. That's the one thing you're not just deluding yourself with, because I know you really don't blame me. But you should know that it does bother me, and it always will, so the stunt you pulled today fucking hurt, alright? I seriously thought I had hurt you. I didn't care that Jasper said it was a trick, because what if, at the off chance that it wasn't? Please, Bella, don't use that against me again."
I felt like an ass and my heart broke for the umpteenth time today at his words. How many times could I break him before I broke myself? What was I? Some kind of masochist? Did I find pleasure in hurting him like this?
"I'm sorry," I whispered. "I didn't mean to hurt you, I just wanted to help Emmett and Rosalie. They were stuck with the lousiest team member, and I didn't know what else to do to help out." I sniffled and wiped my nose with the back of my hand. "Why are you still with me? I keep hurting you, pushing you away… I don't deserve you. You deserve someone better. Someone who's not broken beyond repair because her mother ruined her."
"This isn't about who I deserve," he argued. "This is about who I want. And I want you. I love you, and I'll always fucking love you. I could give two shits about who I deserve; all I know is what I want." He reached out and tucked my hair behind my ear, smiling gently. "I just wish it was mutual. But you can't have it all, right?"
I sighed. I was so tired of this conversation. Tired of him doubting me.
But most of all, I was tired of the fact that I keep giving him reason to do just that. Doubt me.
"Let's go inside, my bed is warm and waiting," he said, smiling softly. "Unless you want to go back to the guestroom… I mean, that shit's alright too. Whatever makes you comfortable. I don't want to push you to do shit you don't want to do."
I shook my head. "I want to sleep with you. That's the only place where I'm safe," I replied.
We headed back to his room and I thought about what he just said.
He didn't want to push me to do stuff that I didn't want to do, but wasn't that what he was doing every time he tried to force those three words out of me? It wasn't making me comfortable, and he should have known that by now too. So maybe I wasn't the only one being unfair. Maybe I wasn't the only one being a hypocrite.
Edward had his moments too.
x
Waking up with Edward's arm lazily thrown across my stomach, and knowing it was okay, was probably the best way I had ever woken up in my entire life. We didn't need to worry about people finding us here together, we didn't need to worry about it being wrong. We didn't need to worry about that one of us wasn't supposed to be there.
This was exactly how it was supposed to be.
I was supposed to wake up on Christmas morning, with my boyfriends drooling on his pillow next to me. This was the best Christmas present ever.
I didn't mind just laying there, watching my boy sleep for a while. Before we had to wake up and get up, and deal with the world. I always appreciated our little bubble more. Who needed the outside world when you had a bed and someone you… enjoyed hanging out with?
I sighed and dragged my hand through my messy locks.
Enjoyed hanging out with. What kind of joke was that?
I thought about the gift I was about to give him and I almost wanted to snort at myself. I was a joke. Nothing but a good-for-nothing joke. Everything about me was a joke, and I didn't deserve the drooling boy next to me.
"Mmm… Penguin… a duck," Edward mumbled, before turning his head and sighing in his sleep.
My heart expanded and I bit down hard on my lip.
He was beautiful. Utterly perfect.
A strange pang of jealousy hit me out of nowhere and I almost wanted to throw up. He was too perfect. I wasn't the only who had noticed either. Everybody knew he was perfect – but everybody didn't know he was perfect in the ways that I did. Nobody knew him like I did, and that should have been enough for me not to be jealous at other people, but instead it did nothing.
I thought about Tanya, and all those other girls that knew him too. Girls who knew him in ways thatI didn't know him at all. I may have known his mind, but those girls knew his body. They had brought him pleasure on frequent occasions, while I had lain alone in my bed and plotting my suicide.
I wanted to know him. All of him. Everything.
And why was that?
I took a shuddering breath as a feeling so overwhelming, I couldn't even describe it, washed over me.
Three words.
I loved him.
Why else did it hurt so much to see him suffer? Why else did it pain me to know that I would never be good enough for him? How else do you explain the fact that he was the only thing keeping me alive? Every breath I took was for him. Every passing second that I was alive was for him.
I loved him.
I really did.
The realization hit me like a cannonball in the stomach and my eyes welled up with tears before I had any time to stop them. I climbed out of the bed as quickly and carefully as I could, and made it over to his desk where my gift to him was. He had been glancing at it a few times, but he never touched it. I guess he wanted it to be a surprise too.
I opened the gift and slid it out, careful not to ruin the wrapping paper. I threw a look over my shoulder before turning back to the gift. I bit my lip and picked up a red pen. This idea had been growing in my mind ever since I bought the gift. But I had decided I wouldn't do anything about it unless I was one hundred percent sure. And now I was. Definitely.
I made the altercations for the gift, taking my time so I knew it would be perfect. When I was done, I looked at it for several minutes with a smile on my face. I could barely see through my tears.
The gift may not have been perfect before, but it was now. There was no doubt that he would get it now. And hopefully, he would love it too.
I wrapped the gift and made sure that there were no signs of me opening it. Then I wobbled my way back over to where my boyfriend was still sleeping.
My boyfriend.
Who I loved.
I wiped my tears and swallowed back the lump in my throat as I got back down under the covers.
Before she died, my grandma always used to say that the best moments in life are those who hit you out of nowhere and makes you realize that everything you'll ever need is in front of you. I never really understood what she meant by that, until now. I didn't understand why it took me so long to realize it, since it didn't long at all for Edward to admit to his feelings.
Who knew that all it really took for me to realize it was seeing Edward drooling on his pillow.
I wondered if I should tell him that.
Sometimes I didn't understand my mind at all. Where was all this coming from? I wasn't prepared for the onslaught of new emotions. Although, they weren't really new. They felt familiar, only more intense. How long had I felt like this before realizing it? How long had I loved Edward without being able to admit it to anyone – not even myself?
I snuggled up next to him and closed my eyes.
Maybe I could catch another hour of sleep.
Maybe my dreams would make sense of it all.
x
I sat on the couch, watching as the Cullens pimped their tree. Emmett was all smiles and jokes, putting decorations in the tree without even looking, then Esme rearranged whatever he had put in the tree and made it beautiful instead. It was funny to watch, especially since Emmett didn't even notice what his mother was doing behind his back. Edward was sitting on the floor, a few feet away, trying to untangle the Christmas lights. Dr. Cullen was holding the box with decorations, so Emmett could just pick whatever he wanted to hang in the tree.
This was so different from what I was used to. At my house, it was always me who decorated the tree. The only thing Dad did was cut down the tree and put the star at the top – since I couldn't reach that high. Mom didn't help at all, she just smiled and told me I was doing a great job.
I guess my family wasn't such a good family after all. I had grown up thinking I could have done a lot worse. My dad provided for us, and my mom was more of a friend than a mother to me. They used to be the imperfect dream.
Now they had become the perfect nightmare.
I sighed and Edward looked at me.
"Wanna help?" he asked, nodding towards the lights. I smiled and left my place on the couch, sitting down on the floor next to him. I didn't reach for the lights, instead I just leaned my head against his shoulder, hugging his arm a little. He smiled and kissed me on top of my head, as he continued trying to sort the mess out.
I closed my eyes and smiled softly as Esme started humming Christmas songs.
"I like your family," I told him quietly so the others wouldn't hear.
"They like you too," he replied just as quietly.
"I like you the most," I said. He chuckled and I felt his lips against my hair again.
"That's good to hear, because I would hate it if you ran off with Emmett," he joked.
I opened my eyes and looked at him surprised.
"Emmett? Oh, sweetie, I think you should be more worried about your father," I replied seriously. Edward gave me an amused look and I tried my best to keep my serious expression in place.
"In that case, I better fucking tie you to the bed so you can never leave me," he replied, before pressing his lips to mine. "On second thought, I might just do that anyway." I smiled against his lips, resisting the urge to moan as he sucked on my bottom lip. Did he know how much I liked it when he did that?
"Oh, stop it you two," Emmett complained, interrupting us. Edward and I turned our heads to find Emmett looking at us. I also noticed that Esme and Dr. Cullen were very careful notto look at us, but their amused faces did not escape our notice.
"Welcome to my world, brother," Edward replied calmly. "You have any idea how disgusting it is to hear you moan and groan every time Rose as much as enters a room? Didn't think so."
"Hey, at least we're cute!" Emmett argued and Edward quirked an eyebrow at him.
"Are you saying my girl ain't cute?" he asked.
Emmett opened and closed his mouth a few times, and I enjoyed seeing him at a loss of words. I wasn't offended by his comment, because I knew he didn't mean anything by it.
"Yeah, but you're pulling down the average," Emmett muttered, trying to save face.
"Stop it, you two," Esme said, cutting in. "It's Christmas." She smiled at us as she rearranged the decorations on the tree and I leaned my head back against Edward's shoulder. Everyone got back to what they were doing and I looked up at Edward.
"You're not pulling down the average," I whispered to him. He snorted, shaking his head with a smile. He continued trying to untangle the lights and I almost told him those three words right then and there. Luckily, I managed to keep my mouth shut.
It would be better this way.
x
This was easily turning out to be the best Christmas ever. While Esme and Dr. Cullen prepared the Christmas dinner, Edward, Emmett and I were outside playing in the snow. Emmett was making a snowman and I tried to make a snow angel, but it was difficult with my leg. So, I decided to only make it half a snow angel. As I got up on my feet I almost wanted to snort at the angel I created. It really did look half good and half bad. It was fitting in a way. It was a glass half full, half empty, kind of deal.
Suddenly, something very cold hit my neck and I turned my head to see Edward standing a few yards away, whistling innocently and looking at the sky.
"Did you just throw a snowball at me?" I asked incredulously.
He looked at me with innocent eyes. "Who? Me? Never," he replied, feigning shock.
I narrowed my eyes at him and reached down to make a snowball, but before I even managed to stand up again another snowball hit me. I glared at Edward who was openly grinning at me now.
"Are you kidding me?" I asked.
He shrugged. "You threw a snowball at me yesterday, I'm just getting even."
"What?" I snorted incredulously, shaking my head. "It barely even touched you!" I threw my snowball at him, but since he saw it coming – and since I still had the worst aim in the world – he had no trouble dodging it. I growled. "I hate you."
"No, you don't," he replied with a smirk. "You lo-like me."
My heart sank as he caught himself mid-word.
"That I do," I replied honestly, wondering if he could sense that I was referring to the word he didn't say. He walked over to me and I held out my arms so he could embrace me, but just as he was about to he raised his hand and threw some loose snow in my face. I spluttered and looked at him in shock. Where did that snow come from?
"What the hell?" I spluttered, spitting out snow.
He smiled and put his hands on either side of my face, wiping my cheeks with his thumbs. I wanted to continue to glare at him, but it was impossible. I couldn't stay angry with this boy.
But I could stay frustrated and annoyed.
I put my hands on his chest and then put all my strength behind shoving him away. He wasn't prepared for it, obviously, so he stumbled backwards before landing on his ass in the snow. Now it was my time to smirk.
"Now we're even," I said.
Emmett laughed as he put the head on his snowman.
"What are you? Five years old? It's like watching kids teasing each other on the playground," Emmett noted, but then he just shrugged. "I shouldn't be surprised though, my brother is just as emotionally evolved as a five year old, so of course he's acting like one." It was like wasn't even talking to us, because he didn't turn around or look at us as he talked. Was he getting friendly with his snowman?
I reached down to pick up my crutches as Edward got to his feet. Just as I was about to grab one of the crutches, he swept me off my feet, and then throw us both together in an area of untouched snow. He still had his arms around me and I smiled at him.
"You really are five years old, aren't you?" I asked, wiping some snow from his cheek before tracing his scar with my finger. My mark.
He didn't answer, instead he just pressed his body to mine and kissed me. I put my arms around his neck and let him do whatever he wanted to do to me in the snow.
Making out in the snow was definitely on my list of new favorite winter activities.
Like I said; best Christmas ever.
x
Esme smiled at me as she handed me a plate to dry with a towel.
"Thank you, for letting me spend Christmas with your family," I said to her.
"We are happy to have you here," Esme replied. "You have no idea how happy I am that you and Edward found each other."
I gave her a curious look, feeling slightly surprised at her words.
"Really?" I asked. "Why?"
"You are bringing him out of his shell. He has pretended to be someone he's not for so long that we were almost starting to believe it was him," she replied with a sad voice. "My son is not a bad person, he's never been. He's just been very good at making bad decisions and choices in life. But he hasn't given me a reason to be disappointed in him for a while now. He's changing and becoming the person I knew that he was deep inside, thanks to you. You have given me my son back."
"I can't take all the credit," I mumbled, feeling embarrassed. "Maybe he just realized that… you know… enough is enough and all that."
She shook his head. "No, it takes more than that for Edward to change his ways. Falling in love was probably the only thing that kept him from continuing down that road of self-destruction."
I didn't know what to say in response to that, so I said nothing; I just continued wiping the plates that she handed me. I sighed and felt her eyes on me.
"How are you dealing, sweetie?" she asked softly. I knew she wasn't asking about Edward now.
"I'm… dealing," I replied vaguely. "I don't really know what I'm supposed to say or think or do about any of it. And I rather not talk or think about it at all."
"Don't you think it would be good for you to talk about it with someone? Someone that isn't Edward," she clarified. "You've been through a lot, Bella, nobody expects you to process it all on your own. We are all here to help you through it."
"I know, and I appreciate that… I just… I don't even know what anyone could do to help me, since I can't even pinpoint the problem," I mumbled.
"And that is exactly why you need to speak to someone," she said, pushing the one issue she had no business pushing. I closed my eyes and my grip tightened on the plate in my hands. "Emotional and physical trauma leaves scars that may never fully heal, but by not seeking help, it might even get worse. It might manifest in ways you can't expect or foresee." She sighed and I could feel her turn her entire body to me, even without opening my eyes. "Abuse is a very sensitive subject, and everybody reacts differently in the aftermath. I had a friend once, in high school. She was abused by her father on a daily basis. Nobody knew anything, because she was good at hiding it. One day, she got a boyfriend. She flinched every time he tried to touch her; she even slapped his hand away when all he wanted to do was tuck some hair behind her ear. He didn't understand her reaction, and neither did she. She knew that her boyfriend would never lay a hand on her, he would never hurt her like her father did, but she still flinched. She was still afraid. And if she hadn't gotten help for it, it might have gotten worse. It could have gone so far that she would be afraid of all human contact and not being able to even shake someone's hand."
I swallowed thickly. I didn't want to stay here and listen to this anymore. It was Christmas, for crying out loud, it was supposed to be a joyous occasion. I wasn't supposed to be bombarded with sob-stories about people being abused and how it scarred them for life.
"I'm not telling you this to be cruel, Bella, I'm telling you this so you can understand that you're not alone. There are people out there that are trained to handle this sort of situations, and help you through it," she said softly.
I opened my eyes and met her gaze. "Wh-what did you mean that it might manifest in ways that I can't expect or foresee?" I asked, my voice shaky.
"Take Edward as an example. As you probably know, he can't drive anymore. It takes a lot of effort on his part to even be in a moving vehicle. It was to be expected that he would be uncomfortable driving again after what happened, but to feel so strongly about it to the point of having panic attacks… that's something nobody could have foreseen," she explained.
I put the plate on the counter and dragged my hands through my hair.
"He hit me with his car… he crippled me… of course he reacts strongly about cars," I argued weakly. "By that logic, I should have issues with kitchen knives and candles. I should pass out every time someone slices a piece of bread." She smiled sadly and sighed.
"It manifests differently with different people," she repeated. "Bella, can you honestly say that nothing your mother did to you still holds you with an iron grip? Something you just can't get past?"
I bit my lip, considering my next words. "Maybe," I said slowly. "But it has nothing to do with what she did, it has to do with what she said."
"But in the end, those are the same things. Words aren't empty, they can hurt you too, you know," she said.
"But I don't even believe what she said," I argued in frustration. "My mom was so full of shit and crazy beliefs that it was impossible to believe anything she said. I don't believe any of it, yet it's stuck in my head. Please explain that!"
Esme's smile was sad, and her gaze not at all condescending as she looked at me. Instead, she looked at me with nothing but love and concern in her eyes. As if my well being was just as important to her as Edward's or Emmett's.
"I don't know what your mother said to you, or what her beliefs were, but it's clear that those beliefs did have an impact on you in some way, even if you don't believe them. She's your mother, so it's only natural that her words influenced you and there are some reactions you simply cannot control, no matter how much you try to rationalize them," she said.
I swallowed again, trying to get rid of the lump in my throat.
"Where's Edward?" I whispered.
"I think he's talking to Carlisle in his study."
"Can I be excused?"
She smiled and nodded. "Of course, sweetie."
"Thank you."
I grabbed my crutches and wobbled my way out of the kitchen. I walked past the living room where Emmett was playing video games. I stopped in the doorway, watching him being deeply focused on the screen in front of him. It looked like he was killing zombies.
"Wanna play?" he asked, without tearing his eyes from the screen.
"I don't think I would be any good," I replied.
"All the more reason to play," he said with a grin, "so you can get better."
"Nah, but thanks anyway," I said, turning to leave.
"Hey, wait," he said, stopping me. I turned back around and saw that he had paused his game and he was now looking at me. "You don't like me very much, do you?"
I shrugged awkwardly. "It's not that I don't like you… I don't really know you."
"Well, Edward says you don't like me, so…" he said, trailing off. He stood up from the couch, digging his hands deep into his pockets and smiling at me.
"I don't know you," I repeated.
"Yeeeah," he said slowly. "That might have worked as an excuse if it weren't for the fact that you're not really trying to get to know me either." He had me there. "Please, tell me. Did I do something to offend you or something? Did I make a piss-poor joke that was offensive? I mean, ever since the accident I've tried to make shit right by you since it took a while for Edward to get his head out of his ass, you know?"
"There's your answer," I replied. He looked so confused and lost that I felt sorry for him. "You tried to make things right by me, when you had done nothing wrong. The accident was between me and Edward and that patch of black ice. You had nothing to do with it, so yeah, I guess you did offend me. You offended me when you took my side instead of Edward's."
He pulled out his hand from his pocket and scratched his neck absentmindedly.
"Yeah, I've heard that one before," he mumbled.
"So, do you get it now?" I asked.
"Yeah, I suppose," he said shrugging. "I just don't understand how you've been able to defend him ever since it happened. Not once did you blame him for what happened. You must be a very forgiving person."
I snorted. "Not even close. I'm not forgiving," I replied. "But Edward hadn't done anything to me to forgive, so it was easy to take his side and defend him. He was just as much a victim in all of this as I was… even more so, considering he's still dealing with what happened while I was over pretty much as soon as it happened."
He nodded and I felt a little lighter. Emmett finally got it.
"You sure you don't wanna play?" he asked, nodding towards the TV. I smiled at him and shrugged.
"A few minutes killing zombies can't hurt, right?" I replied. His face broke out into a grin and I made my way over to the couch. He handed me a controller and soon we were both immersed in the game.
"So, are you and Edward going to the Christmas Day Market tomorrow?" Emmett asked after a moment just as he managed to cut the head of yet another zombie.
Forks' Christmas Day Market was an annual tradition for almost everyone in Forks. It took place every year on Christmas Day – hence the name. There were market stands for everything, selling anything from handmade Quileute bracelets and dreamcatchers, to food and baked goods from our local bakery. Every year there was also a bunch of street performers – like people swallowing knifes, or breathing fire. It usually was pretty fun.
I half-shrugged, not really knowing since I hadn't talked to Edward about it. It hadn't even crossed my mind until now. I guess I had had other, more important, things on my mind lately.
Emmett and I didn't talk much after that, instead we got completely lost in the game.
If someone had said two months ago that I would spend Christmas Eve killing zombies with Emmett Cullen, I wouldn't have believed them. And for every zombie I killed, I imagined it being my mother… or Jacob… or Billy… or my father.
Whoever my father may be.
x
Christmas Day. I woke up to slow kisses trailing down my jaw and my neck. A hand sneaking in under my t-shirt, which had risen up to my waist in my sleep. I smiled sleepily, and without opening my eyes I let my hand find his hair so I could drag my hands through it. There was a growling in his chest as I gripped his hair and I opened my eyes so I could guide his lips to where they belonged. With mine.
His hand on my naked breast wasn't uncomfortable. I wondered how I could be so okay with him touching me there, since as soon as he got anywhere near my southern regions with his hands, I froze up. For the first time in my life, I wished I was Tanya. Because, if I was, I wouldn't be freaking out and I could enjoy giving myself to him just as he would be giving himself to me.
He played with my nipple with his thumb, and I felt embarrassed by the moan that escaped me by the sensation. He smiled against my lips before deepening the kiss. Worrying about morning breath was the last thing on my mind.
A loud knocking on the door reached us through our bubble and Edward sighed as he rested his forehead against mine.
"Wake up, lovebirds. Merry Christmas! If you don't get your asses down to the living room right this instant I will claim all your gifts as my own!" Emmett threatened through the door with the excitement mirroring a five year old. I guess Edward wasn't the only five year old in the family.
"Thank you, Emmett," Edward replied his voice just a little louder than normal speaking tone. Emmett laughed and we heard him walk away. Edward sighed and kissed my nose before reluctantly pulling away. "Who needs gifts when I already have the best one in my bed… but if he ever touches you, I'll cut his dick off."
I rolled my eyes at him as I sat up. I stretched and yawned before getting out completely. We brushed our teeth and got dressed – meaning, I pulled on a pair of pajama bottoms and he pulled on a t-shirt - before going downstairs. The rest of his family was already sitting in the living room - Emmett hadn't bothered to get properly dressed either, he was just wearing a robe and pajama bottoms, not even bothering with a t-shirt. Esme had set the coffee table with lots of yummie treats for breakfast.
Edward and I sat down on the floor, leaning back against one of the couches. Edward held my hand in his lap and I smiled at him. Emmett pulled on a Santa hat and declared himself to be one of Santa's little helpers. It made me giggle. If Emmett was a little helper, then I didn't want to know what size a regular helper would be.
He started giving out gifts, and I enjoyed the look on everybody's faces as they opened them. Everybody looked thrilled no matter what they got. Dr. Cullen even enjoyed the joke when he opened one of his gifts from Emmett – it was a t-shirt with the print 'Trust me, I'm a doctor' on it.
"And here we have…," Emmett began, picking up my gift for Edward.
"That's mine," Edward interrupted before Emmett had even found the little note telling him who the gift was for. Emmett smirked.
"It's yours, ey," he teased. "How can you be so sure?"
"Because it's been taunting me from my desk ever since she got here, so hand it the fuck over," Edward said, holding out his hands.
"Eager, eager," Emmett said, clucking his tongue. "What do you think she'll give you? A box full of porn?"
"Emmett!" Esme chastised and I felt myself blush.
"Sorry," Emmett mumbled.
I looked at Edward, biting my lip so hard I was sure I was going to break the skin. Edward smiled his crooked smile at me before he carefully started to remove the wrapping paper.
"A book?" he said, sounding surprised and confused, as he kicked the paper aside and turned the book over. When he saw the cover his face broke into the brightest of smiles.
He got it. He totally got it.
"Better than porn," he said sincerely, leaning over and kissing my temple.
"What did you get?" Dr. Cullen asked and Edward showed them the book.
"'Birds of the World'," Esme read out loud, and shared a confused look with her husband. Emmett laughed out loud - I guess he got it too.
Edward started flipping through the pages and he stopped when he realized I had written notes for many of the birds. He landed on the page for the Little Blue Penguin and he snorted at my note.
"'So the Little Blue Penguin is also known as the Fairy Penguin. So I guess it's no wonder he's blue,'"he read quietly, then looking at me. "You're hilarious, you know that?" I shrugged and he chuckled as he continued flipping the pages. He reached the page for the bird "Edward's Pheasant" and his smile grew somber as he saw what I had done to the page.
I had crossed out the word pheasant and replaced it with sparrow instead.
He looked at me and my heart swelled in my chest.
He totally got it.
"Page 213," I said so quietly I almost didn't hear it myself.
He gave me a curious look, before turning to the page. When his eyes landed on the page I referred him to, his grip on the book tightened.
There had been quite a few sparrows to choose from in the book – and I had decided to print this particular message on the page for the Great Sparrow. It may have been a little narcissistic of me, but I figured he would get it.
The title that was formerly just "The Great Sparrow" now said "The Great Sparrow loves you".
That was the last minute addition to the book I had done the day before. Edward swallowed thickly and turned his head to me. He was searching my eyes and I couldn't help the tears that welled up. I wished his family wasn't around to see this, but they were, and there was nothing I could do about it.
"Really?" he whispered. I nodded.
"It's mutual," I whispered back. "I'd choose you a million times over."
He put the book aside and leaned in to kiss me. I didn't care anymore if his family was there.
Edward got it.
When he pulled back he grabbed the book and got to his feet.
"We're gonna… eh… Merry Christmas," Edward said to his family, before pulling me up from the floor and handing me my crutches.
"But we're not done handing out the presents yet," Emmett argued.
"I got the only one I needed, thanks," he said, holding up the book.
I followed him back up to his room, and Edward locked the door behind us. He put the book aside, as well as my crutches, before putting his hands on my hips and pulling me to him.
"I want to hear you say it," he said, pleading now. I knew reading the words wouldn't be enough for him, but I didn't mind. I knew what I felt, and I trusted Edward. Telling him that I loved him out loud would not change anything. He wouldn't hurt me. Those three words would not bring down the world. We would be alright.
"Edward," I said quietly.
"Yeah?" he replied even more quietly.
"I love you."
The smile on his face and the look in his eyes could not be described with words.
"I love you too, Sparrow," he said before crushing his lips to mine. He backed us up to the bed and my knees buckled as the back of my legs hit the mattress. I laid down and he followed, without ever letting our lips part. "Best… gift… ever," he said between kisses as his lips started trailing down my jaw.
"You're… telling… me," I panted, unable to catch my breath. He peppered me with kisses with such urgency that I wondered if he was really alright. Then, all of a sudden, he stilled on top of me. The only sound in the room was my labored breathing and I started to get scared.
What did I do? Why did he stop?
"I want to… damnit," he mumbled resting his forehead against my collarbone. "I know this will sound like shit and that I'll come off as the biggest douche on the planet, but do you have any idea how much I want to fuck you right now? No… not fuck… make love… no, not make love… that's too fucking cheesy. I want to… I fucking want us to feel good. I want you to feel good. I want to feel good. I want… I just want."
I dragged my hands through his hair, softly letting my nails graze his scalp.
"I think…. I think I can… you know… make you feel good?" I said, making it sound like a question. He pulled back, meeting my gaze in confusion. "I mean, I can touch you… I don't think that will be a problem for me… I can… I can make you feel good."
Who was I trying to convince here? Me or him? And what the hell was I doing? Was I seriously suggesting I was about to touch him… there?
Oh God, Oh God, Oh God.
"You can't offer shit like that to me and expect me to say no because it's the noble thing to do," he warned me, something in his gaze was turning animalistic and I would have been a total liar if I said that I wasn't intrigued by what I saw.
"Then don't say no," I said, before I had any time to change my mind.
He growled and rested his forehead against my collarbone again. He kissed and nibbled on my skin and I sighed in contentment. It felt good.
"I talked… to my dad… about… this shit," he mumbled against my skin. "I didn't know what to do to help you… and he's been around this shit, I figured he'd know…"
Now it was my turn to freeze.
"You spoke to your dad about us and… sex?" I asked, my voice shaky.
"What the fuck was I supposed to do?" he asked in aggravation, pulling his head back again. "It's not supposed to be this fucking complicated. We should be able to get off anytime we fucking want to. But how the hell are we supposed to do that when you freak out every time I try to lend you a hand?"
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. He was right. Of course he was right. But that didn't mean it hurt any less to hear it. Hearing him put it like that made it even more obvious that there was something wrong with me. I would never be normal.
"It might manifest in ways you can't expect or foresee."
I opened my eyes slowly, trying to keep the hurt from my face as I met Edward's gaze.
"I love you," I whispered. "And it's because I love you and trust you, that I want to try… I might freak out, I might not. But I want to try. Because, what other choice is there? I can't give up."
"You want to touch me," he said and I nodded. "And why exactly do you want to do that?"
"Because I want to be better for you, I want to give you something that proves to you how much you mean to me and… I just want to be better and I want you to feel good."
"You have any idea how sexy that is?"
I rolled my eyes. "It's not sexy. It's pathetic. If I had been Tanya I would already have slept with you and done all kinds of stuff with you. But I'm not Tanya, and this is a struggle for me."
"Tanya is not sexy. Nothing Tanya ever did was sexy. So please for the love of all that is holy in the world, do not ever compare yourself to her. You'll win every time anyway."
He placed his lips right below my ear and I hummed. He smiled softly against my skin.
"But if you want to touch my dick and make me feel good, who am I to deny you?" he whispered in my ear, his voice husky. I bit my lip in nervousness as he grabbed my wrist gently. Slowly he put his hand on the back of mine as he led it to his crotch. He was hard. Of course he was hard. The light fabric of his pajama bottoms didn't hide that fact very well. He pulled back for a moment, letting go of my hand, so he could pull off his t-shirt. Then he laid on his side, propping his head up on his hand then taking my hand again and placing it on his erection. He kept his eyes on mine the whole time.
"Is this okay?" he asked and I nodded. There were no words echoing in my head, because a part of me knew that this wasn't wrong. Pleasure was for the boy, therefore, this was not wrong.
I could do this.
He made me grip him through his pants and my breathing hitched. This was new. Ever so slowly he started moving my hand up and down his length and he started to have a difficult time keeping my gaze.
"You… you want me to…. Eh…. To put my hand down your pants?" I asked bluntly.
"If… if that's what you want, yeah," he said calmly but his eyes betrayed his eagerness.
He completely let go of my hand, and let me proceed on my own. This way, he couldn't push me. A few moments later, my hand had found its way down his pants and inside his underwear. My hand was shaking as I put my hand directly on his…
"Jesus fucking Christ and his mother and his father," Edward mumbled almost incoherently and squeezed his eyes shut as soon as my hand grasped him. I assumed this was a good reaction. But what was I supposed to do now? Just move my hand up and down? Would that be enough?
"A little help… please?" I asked awkwardly.
He didn't need to be asked twice. He put his free hand down his pants and wrapped his hand around mine and his shaft.
"Just do it like this," he said, as he started moving up and down just like I had already figured I should do. Every so often he would trail all the way up to the head, my finger getting a little sticky before going back down. I think I was starting to get a hang of it and started moving my hand on my own, but I was glad that Edward kept his hand on mine as we went. It felt safe that way. That way I knew he could stop me if whatever I did felt wrong or was… just wrong.
It didn't take long before Edward's breathing became labored, and he was moving his hips to meet our strokes. I was completely mesmerized by the whole thing – mesmerized by how he moved, mesmerized by how he looked and mesmerized by the sounds he made.
His grip on my hand tightened, and soon I had no say in how fast or how slow I was going to stroke him – because he was pretty much doing it himself now, but with my hand. A few moments of fast strokes, and a guttural groan later, my hand got even stickier as Edward came in his pants.
Edward's eyes were closed, and we were still holding on to him as he deflated.
I couldn't help but giggle at the thought. Deflated. Like he was a balloon or something.
Ever so slowly, Edward opened his eyes and met my gaze. I couldn't get over the fact that my hand was still in his pants. Still touching Mini-Edward.
For some reason, I had never been happier. This must be proof enough that I was normal. Or at least, normal enough. I could help my boyfriend getting off without freaking out. This was normal.
Edward's gaze was intense as he searched my eyes for something, and he was quiet for so long that I started to get nervous. Did I do something wrong after all? Wasn't I good enough?
"Was it… bad?" I asked, feeling unsure.
"Bad? You… you just gave me a fucking handjob, and you ask me if it was bad?" He removed our hands from his sticky pants and pulled both of us up into sitting position. He pressed his lips to mine so hard I thought he might crush my nose in the process. "That was fucking perfect," he said when he pulled back. "Thank you. I mean it. Thank. You." He started peppering my face with kisses again and I couldn't help but giggle now. "I love you so fucking much it's almost impossible," he said.
"I think you should change your pants," I said. He laughed and laid back down, showing no signs of changing. I didn't bother him about it though. If he could smile that widely and look so at ease even with sticky pants, who was I to argue with him?
x
Edward held my hand as I wobbled forward with only one crutch. It was an awkward walk, but I wasn't complaining. Nothing about today was worthy of complain. Everything was good. Beyond good. Things were… perfect.
Nothing could ruin today.
Edward raised my hand and kissed my knuckles for the umpteenth time ever since we got here and he kept that stupid grin on his face. It was merely hours after our adventure in the bedroom, and we were now walking through downtown Forks, wadding through the crowds.
We bought some cotton candy and walked over to the only café in Forks. We sat down on the bench outside and started stuffing each others' mouths with pink, sticky fluff.
"I love you," he said, his eyes no longer displaying any hurt or fear as he licked his fingers clean. He had no reason to be hurt or scared, because he knew I felt it too.
"I love you too," I replied, feeling ecstatic that I could finally say it back. I stuck a piece of cotton candy in his mouth, and his warm lips wrapped around my finger, licking it clean. I smiled at him and he gave me a wicked smile back.
This was how it was supposed to be when you're young and in love. You're supposed to give your boyfriend hand jobs, hear him thank you over and over and making it sound silly. Then you're supposed to eat cotton candy and smile and make jokes and just enjoy each others' company. You're supposed to kiss each other and appreciate each other. You're not supposed to worry about anything else, because nothing else matters. This is what is supposed to matter. Just you and your boy. Being together.
Nothing could touch us now. Together, we could conquer anything. I had no reason to be afraid as long as I had Edward.
"Damnit, I need to take a leak," he said. "You wait here?" I nodded. He stood up and leaned down to kiss my sugarcoated lips before stepping away. "I love you, gorgeous."
"It's mutual," I replied with a grin so wide it was starting to hurt my cheeks. But I couldn't help it.
Edward grinned back, looking just as foolish, before turning around the corner to the entrance of the café. I sighed in contentment and slumped where I sat.
I was so happy. This was the most perfect Christmas ever. I never wanted it to end. I wanted to spend the rest-
I didn't even get to finish the thought, because a hand was suddenly put over my mouth, a strong scent filling my nose and my mouth as I tried to gasp for air. I tried to get it off but I wasn't strong enough, and whatever it was that was held against my nose and mouth was starting to overwhelm my every sense. My body began feeling sluggish and I could barely keep my eyes open.
With the last piece of my strength, I turned my head.
I wasn't even surprised by the face I saw before my entire world went black.