Disclaimer:I don't own these characters, I just play with them. This story is rated M, and is not suitable for younger readers. Story contains violence, coarse language and sexual "situations". Please do not read if any of these things offends you.
Note: [Unbeta'ed! – all errors are mine ]
Chapter 51, "Guilt"
Edward Cullen POV
If I'd been a girl or something, I would have been crying like a baby right about now. But I wasn't. Therefore, I wasn't crying or sobbing uncontrollably. There were no tears on my cheeks, no snot in my nose. I should have been crying, but I couldn't find it in me to do it. I wanted to fucking cry, so I could show people I wasn't some emotionless douche that only got people hurt. I didn't care that the waiting room was full of people – I still wanted to fucking cry. I wouldn't even have cared if it made me look like a fucking pansy in their eyes. I had all the good reasons to cry – yet, I wasn't.
What the hell was wrong with me?
My best friend was shot – just because I couldn't keep my stupid mouth shut.
Jasper was hurt – badly – and I prayed to all that was holy that only the best of the best was working on him in the OR. But considering that this was Forks, the odds weren't really in my favor. If you were a good surgeon, you got a job at a fancy-schmancy hospital in Seattle. Not in Forks. Only the rejects took a job in Forks – and that went for all professions, not just doctors.
Did that mean I was saying that my own dad was a reject too?
Yeah, probably.
I barely acknowledged their presence, when a couple of familiar faces suddenly walked into the waiting room. I didn't even look at them as they approached me.
"Edward, is it true?" Alice asked as she sat down beside me. "Is he… is he… is he dead?"
I was amazed that she managed to keep herself together. If it had been my Sparrow in there, I would have been fucking hysterical. The mere thought of her dying made me suicidal. So how on earth could Alice be so calm about it? Jasper was her world.
"I don't know," I whispered, unable to talk any louder. My voice was completely gone. "They have worked on him for the past hour… I don't fucking know if he'll be okay. It was… it was fucking bad… there was blood everywhere and… I don't fucking know!" My throat closed up and I couldn't have said another word, even if I had wanted to.
Emmett had sat down on the chair on the other side of me. I tried not to look at him. Of all the people in this room, Emmett was the last person I wanted to face right now. First Sparrow. Now Jasper. He could have a field day with all the people I had almost gotten killed in the last month and a half.
For all I knew, both of them could be dead right now. Maybe the doctors were telling Jasper's parents, and Rosalie, right this minute that he hadn't made it. Maybe Sparrow had been cut so badly that she finally bled out, getting her wish of finally dying too.
"How's Rose?" I asked, hating the way my voice sounded. So empty and detached.
"She's with her parents," Emmett replied, with a tone that was so not his usual happy-go-lucky type. "She didn't want me around right now. She said she needed to be with her family. I thought I was her family too."
"I'm sure she didn't mean it like that, Em," Alice said, reaching for his hand over my lap.
I stared at their clasped hands, wondering how the hell I even got to this place. I had just managed to get my best friend shot, my brother's girlfriend's brother and my friend's boyfriend. He played so many roles in our lives, and just because I couldn't shut the fuck up – maybe his role had ended.
"What if he dies?"
I didn't even realize I said the words out loud until Alice burst into tears.
I guess not even Alice could keep up the calm façade for long. Alice always saw the positive in everything. So if Alice didn't see anything now, how could anyone expect me to see it? There was no fucking silver lining to hold onto. There was nothing positive about this situation. Even if Jasper came out of surgery with the doctors telling us that he would be as good as new after a few weeks recovery; it still wouldn't change the fact that I got him shot. This shit was on me. Just like the disappearance of Sparrow.
All shit was on me.
Every. Fucking. Thing.
And there was not a thing I could do about it.
Someone cleared their throat, and I looked up to find my dad looking down at me.
"Edward, mind coming with me to my office for a moment?" he asked.
"Is it about Jasper? Is he okay?" Emmett asked immediately.
"No, it's not about Jasper. I'm sorry, but I have no news on his condition right now. I promise you that I will keep you updated," he replied, giving Alice a reassuring look even though it was Emmett who asked.
I stood from the chair, feeling like my body weighed a thousand ton. Like my body simply didn't see a reason for standing. I felt drained and tired. When was the last time I slept? This morning. It wasn't all that long ago, yet it still felt like I had been awake for a week.
I followed Dad to his office, and when I stepped in behind him I wanted to jump at the person who sat in one of the visitor's chairs.
Leah.
"What the fuck is she doing here?" I spat, though it sounded pretty weak and pathetic even in my own ears.
"I know what you're thinking, Edward," Dad said.
"And what the hell am I thinking?" I asked.
"Sit down and we'll explain everything," he said. "I think it's time for us to put all the cards on the table. It's way overdue."
I gave him a suspicious look, before meeting Leah's gaze. She didn't look mean or evil – she simply looked sad, tired and apologetic. What the fuck was this?
I glanced at her arms, seeing the edge of some gauze peek out from under her long sleeved shirt. She noticed me looking and pulled a little at her sleeve to cover what I had just seen. She looked embarrassed. It didn't make any fucking sense. Wasn't she supposed to be proud of how chopped up her arms were?
"I'm not proud of this," she said, as if she could read my mind. "But it was a necessary evil. It was either that or my brother would have been hurt… amongst other people."
"I don't understand," I said, clenching my fists at my sides in frustration. "You changed sides. You're a fucking believer now, aren't you? You let them brainwash you into believing this shit was real. So what the fuck are you doing here, talking about necessary evil as if you didn't want it? You fucking wanted this! Why else would your damn arms look like they do?"
Dad sighed again, nodding toward the empty chair – indicating for me to take a seat - as he walked around his desk to sit down.
"Edward, this conversation might take a while, you better sit down," he said, an edge of authority to his voice. He wasn't forcing me to do anything, but I knew that fighting him on this would be ridiculous. I plopped down on the chair, slumping in my seat and waiting for them to continue.
"So, tell me? What the fuck am I missing? Did you or did you not call me when I was in La Push just to tell me I had no friends there? And did she or did she not encourage Jacob to shoot my ass?" I asked, almost growling the last part. Leah stiffened at my last statement and turned to glare at me. Her earlier embarrassment about her arms was long forgotten.
"Encourage? Encourage?" she said, her voice rising. "Are you freaking kidding me? I told him to let you go! I told him that you were nothing and that he already had the girl. There was no point in shooting you. He had the girl. He won. End of story. But then you had to open you big fat mouth, spurring him on. So don't you dare put that on me. You made him pulled the trigger. If it weren't for you, your friend wouldn't be fighting for his life right now, and if it weren't for you my cover wouldn't almost have been blown. Why on earth did you come to La Push, Edward? Why couldn't you just let things run its course? Why would you do something so stupid?" Her voice had gone from absolutely furious to absolutely devastated, and I swear her eyes became glossy with unshed tears.
I opened and closed my mouth a few times, trying to find the words. I didn't know what part of her little speech to address first. After a moment I realized exactly what part to focus on.
"Your cover?" I asked dumbly. "I don't understand."
Leah looked at my dad, who leaned forward in his seat, clasping his hands on his desk.
"Yes, Edward, that's the thing with you," he said with a deep sigh. "You don'tunderstand."
"Then fucking help me understand," I growled in annoyance.
"A few weeks ago a girl was brought to the hospital from La Push," Dad began. "Her arms were so severely infected after so many cuts that we had to perform emergency surgery on them in order to keep the infection from spreading. It had become so severe that if she had come in just a week later, we would have been forced to amputate."
"Why are you telling me this?" I asked as my stomach tightened. His story allowed my imagination to run wild with worst-case scenarios – what if they were doing that to Bella again right now, what if they had to amputate both her arms? Then where would she be? An armless girl with a chronic limp from her leg. Was that the moral of this story? So that I would get a chance to prepare myself for the possibility of my Sparrow being broken beyond repair once I got her back?
"It was Emily," Leah said quietly. "My cousin. She was the one who was brought in."
I swallowed thickly. Of course it was. I remember hearing Jacob and Sam, and their gang, talking about it in the cafeteria that day, and how Sam was annoyed that my father was her doctor.
"Leah came to visit her, and I found her crying in the hallway," Dad continued. "I took her to my office, letting her calm down. And then she told me everything." I furrowed my eyebrows, but didn't say anything. "She told me about what was going on in La Push, and how they used to have a doctor here at the hospital that they always went to when their girls' cuts got infected, but their doctor didn't work here anymore. She told me all about the legends that so many of her people believed in, and that was when I put two and two together. I already knew from before that Bella didn't cut herself, that she hadn't attempted suicide. But it wasn't until Leah said the name of the doctor that it all fell into place."
"Dwyer," I said dryly.
"Yes." Dad nodded as he fiddled with a pen in his hands. He looked at it, contemplating something before continuing. "I've been looking into his work for a couple of months now, ever since he left us so abruptly back in August. Something wasn't quite right about the man, I never liked him very much even though he was nothing but friendly to me. By looking through old records for his patients, I could tell he had been sneaking out drugs. He was giving stronger drugs than necessary to patients that didn't need them. It wasn't until he left, and I really started looking into it that I realized he never even gave it to the patients. He kept them for himself. I gave all my findings to the hospital board, and they have been – along with the proper authorities – investigating it ever since. We found out that Dwyer had been hired at one of the Seattle mental health facilities as one of the attending physicians there. And do you know who else we found?"
"Sparrow's mother," I mumbled. Dad looked at me confused, as did Leah, until I realized why. I sighed and dragged my hand through my hair as I said, "Bella's mother."
Dad still looked a little confused as he continued. "Yeah, that's right. Needless to say though, before the board or the authorities even had a chance to get to him, he went off the grid. Since he had been so good at faking the documents of Bella's mother, it didn't take long for the staff to decide that she was fit to go home."
"'Fit to go home', my ass," I said. "She's fucking crazy."
"There is no doubt in my mind that she's not mentally well, I agree," Dad replied simply. "Since there aren't any real records of her mental health, I can't say for sure what is wrong with her. But in my professional opinion, from what I've heard and witnessed, she might suffer from a delusional disorder. And from the drugs that Dwyer took from the hospital, it's possible that he has fed the disease by providing her with drugs that would only enhance the symptoms."
"What does that mean? Don't you dare tell me that her mother is fucking innocent, because she's not. Her mother is fucking crazy and it's all her fault that Bella is God knows where, being tortured by God knows what," I said.
"I'm not saying anything of the sorts," Dad replied, looking at me offended. "All I'm saying is that there is a lot to this situation that you don't know, and there is a lot to take into consideration."
"But none of this is helping us," I said. "We need to get Bella back. Now. Who the fuck cares if Dwyer – or Phil or whatever the fuck his name is – is providing that crazy bitch with drugs? It doesn't help us get to Bella."
"There is no way to get to her before New Year's Eve," Leah said and I snapped my head to her.
"I hope for your sake that you're wrong. There is no fucking way she'll survive that long in their care," I said, spitting the last word. The word was a fucking joke. They didn't care.
"Edward, I wasn't joking at the house. I have no idea where she is and from I've heard around town, not even Jacob's friends know. She's being kept somewhere really hidden, to prepare her for the BMC. They're not going to risk anyone finding out where she is. From whatI can tell, only Dwyer, Jacob and Billy knows where she is… the council should know too, I guess, but I can't be sure."
"What about her mother?" I asked.
Leah shrugged. "We haven't seen her around since she left for Phoenix. I have no idea where she's at, and neither does the police… as far as I know." She looked at my dad. "Or have they said anything?"
Dad shook his head. "No, they haven't been able to locate her again since they busted her hideout in Phoenix."
"Of course they haven't," I said, leaning forward to hide my face in my hands and rest my elbows against my knees. "That would mean something positive was happening, and we can't have that now can we? God forbid we're allowed some good news in this fucking black hole of despair that is our life." I could feel my composure crumble, and I was closer to a complete breakdown than I was comfortable with. I needed to stay strong for my Sparrow. I couldn't allow myself to break down or feel anything until she was completely safe. Then, and only then, was I allowed to succumb to the pain.
"After I met with your dad, I decided to play along with the crazies," Leah said, her tone was uncharacteristically soft. I always viewed her as snarky and bitter, but I guess even the hardest stone had a brittle side. "It didn't take long for them to find the legend that spoke of me. Crystal clear and jaded, something about moonless skies and jaded cliffs… It's quite a love story, actually. We're not supposed to give eternal happiness to the entire tribe or anything, it's just about me and my imprint. So it's not all bad, there are no expectations to live up to. It's not like the Black Swan, where Bella is supposed to be the mother of the spirit that will give prosperity to the entire tribe. The Black Swan is it for the tribe. It's liketheend. If the Black Swan doesn't rise, the tribe is doomed.Very anticlimactic."
I frowned as I looked at her arms. It was almost as if I could still see her scars.
"Why would you do such a fucked up thing?" I asked, ignoring the crap she said about the Black Swan. I couldn't deal with that right now. "Why the hell would you join in on the crazy? Wasn't it enough to see it happen before your eyes? Did you really have to join in too?"
"I figured that if I couldn't beat'em, I might as well join'em. Besides, nothing is as effective as infiltrating the enemy's camp. That way I could get to know their secrets, plots and plans. I was always a step ahead of them," she explained.
"Yeah? And getting your arms cut up was worth it?" I asked, feeling slightly disgusted.
She sighed. "I wasn't lying before, Edward. They got to my brother, and I had to keep him safe. But I also knew that the only way to keep him safe was to play their game. I didn't even know Jacob was in the house until I saw him sneak up on you with his gun." She paused for a moment, shaking her head at something before continuing. As if she tried to get rid of some nasty thought. "And that's what I meant when I said I almost blew my cover. After you left, I had to convince Jacob that I had only played along, pretending to be your friend and giving you information so you guys would think you had a friend on the inside. The only reason he even believed me was the fact that I had let myself be marked. I have proven my loyalty; I have proven that I am indeed a believer. He had no reason to doubt me. But make no mistake, Edward, it was a really close call. It doesn't matter that Jacob believed me, he'll probably be suspicious of me now. He probably figures I was a littletoo generous with the information."
I looked over at my dad. "Then why did you tell me I had no friends in La Push? You have any idea how fucking creepy that was to hear? And have that followed by a fucking gun being cocked behind my head."
"Because I didn't know where in La Push you were, or if you had met anyone. All I wanted was to get you out of there, and like Leah so nicely pointed out, she's supposed to be on the other side. We would gain nothing by giving them a reason not to trust her. You put everything at risk by going there," Dad said.
"Then why the fuck didn't you fill me in on this shit sooner? Why the fuck am I only finding all of this out when it's already too late? If I had known what was going on, I wouldn't have taken Bella to the damn fair. I would have kept her locked up in my room for eternity if that's what it took to keep her safe," I said, angrily. "And what about all that other crap, why didn't you tell Bella all about Dwyer and her mother? Bella has been a wreck, fearing for her damn life because of those people, and you have been sitting on information that might have lessened that fear. What the fuck are you? Some kind of sadist? Did you enjoy watching my girl suffer?"
Dad sighed. "The reason I haven't told you any of this is because I judged it to be unnecessary. All I wanted for you two was to focus on getting better. You were finally giving therapy a chance, and Bella was leaning on you for support. You really think either of you would have benefited from me telling you this? You really think Bella would have felt better if I told her that her mother most likely suffer from a mental disease, and that a doctor – a man who was supposed to heal people, not destroy them – helped feed that disease? From my standpoint, I saw no reason to divulge that information to either of you just yet. You both had to focus on getting better. Stronger. And none of thiscrap would have helped you."
"If I would have known, I would have locked her up," I said again. "She would've been safe."
"Edward, one of the key points of moving forward is to enjoy the moment. In order to move forward and get past all the bad hands you've been dealt, you need to enjoy what you have and when you have it. Locking Bella up might have kept her safe physically, but it would not have kept either of you safe emotionally. Living in fear is no life," he said seriously. "Nobody could have predicted what happened at the fair. Yes, there was a lapse in judgment when we let you two wander off all on your own, and I admit it was naïve of us to think that a fair would be a safe place just because there were many people there." He sighed and put away the pen he had been playing with. He looked at me straight in the eyes for a moment before continuing. "Please tell me, Edward. Up until the point where Bella disappeared, did you enjoy your day? How did you feel? Did you have fun?"
Despite the situation, I felt the corner of my lips lift into a half smile. Did I have fun? Yes.
"Yeah, we were having a great time," I admitted. "We fed each other cotton candy and we were talking and we… we were just being us. It was perfect. The whole morning was fucking perfect, all up to the point where I had to take a leak… and I left her and she… I… gone." I couldn't even end the sentence in a way that made sense. My smile vanished, the small feeling of giddiness from remembering the day faded with it. I had nothing to feel giddy about.
Dad smiled sadly at me. "Until we find Bella, please focus on the good parts. Remember her smile, her laughs and the cotton candy. Don't dwell on the negative, because you can't change that now anyway, so there is no point to dwell on it either. We will find Bella, she will be returned to you. You just need to be patient."
"Patient?" I snorted. "Why the hell do we even need to wait till New Years Eve? Who says we'll even get to her then?"
Something flashed in my dad's eyes and his gaze flickered to Leah. I turned my head to look at her as well, and she was smiling sadly at me.
"Like I said, they're performing the BMC, that's Blue Moon Ceremony, she's basically getting married to Jacob-"
"I'm not letting her get married to that fucking mutt!" I yelled, standing up so abruptly my chair fell over. Leah rolled her eyes at me before giving me an annoyed look.
"May I finish?" she asked.
"Fine," I muttered, as I picked my chair back up and sat back down.
"As I was saying," she continued, daring me to cut her off again. "They want to wed them, and they want to do it on the BM since it's the most powerful and most binding time. The ceremony will take place on one of the highest cliffs at midnight."
"So we get there and grab her and everything will be alright?" I asked, doubtfully. It sounded too easy even for me.
"Actually, a part of the ceremony is for them to cut each other with a sacred dagger, and drink each other's blood. And weneed for Jacob to do that to Bella before we can do anything."
I almost threw up at the mere thought of it. "Are you crazy? What the fuck would we need him to hurt her more? You sure you're not as insane as the rest of them?"
"Dr. Cullen, can you please continue for me? I just can't," Leah said, shaking her head at me. She hid her face in her hand and I wondered for a moment if I had made her cry.
"The cliff she's talking about is not within La Push borders, it's in Forks territory. Which means that our laws rule. We can't touch them as long as they're in La Push, our police aren't legally allowed to cross the border, and they have no authority there anyway. So the fact that they are performing the ceremony on our land is perfect. The police will surround the area, while they perform the ceremony and break it up when they reach the point," Dad explained.
"What point?"
"The point where what they're doing isn't legal anymore," he said. "And then it will all be over. Bella won't have to live in fear anymore. She'll be safe. For good."
I could tell he was trying to make me feel better and optimistic about the situation. But I wasn't sure he was really succeeding. It still felt all too easy for me. How could they be sure that the mutts weren't going to take precautions as well? What if they surrounded the area, and overpowered our cops? Did they even know they were going to be on Forks territory? If so, why the fuck didn't they just move it to La Push territory?
I knew that the biggest threat to my Sparrow was her mother, and I didn't even want to consider the possibility of what would happen if she got away. If our cops ambushed the ceremony, there was a chance of her being able to slip through the cracks and get away in the tumult that would surely follow.
Sparrow wouldn't be safe.
Maybe we could run away somewhere. Keep hidden until the day she turned eighteen. Leah said so herself that they were free once they turned eighteen.
I wondered if the mutts would still chase Bella even at the off chance of her mother being captured. I wondered if Jacob could be charged with anything, since he was still a minor and all that. Maybe he would get lucky with a few months in juvie or something.
"So we have to wait until New Years Eve?" I asked glumly, desperate to hear him deny it even though I knew he wouldn't.
"I'm afraid so," Dad affirmed. "But the cops are on a constant look out, they'll be ready to hit as soon as anyone slips up. Don't worry, Bella will be okay."
I decided not to crush his delusional bubble of hope.
Because his constant reaffirming was just that: delusional.
x
Back in the waiting room. It was way past visiting hours now. It was dark out and the hospital was quiet. We could hear the occasional shuffling of a nurse's feet as she made her way past the waiting area. All the doctors and nurses that passed us glanced at us, but didn't tell us to leave. I guess they knew exactly who we were, and they weren't about to kick Dr. Cullen's kids out… or their friend.
Alice was snuggled up next to Emmett, who had wrapped his big arms around her. She was sleeping with a frown on her face, while Emmett just stared into space like a zombie. We hadn't moved or said anything in the past two hours. It was all fucking surreal. Like we weren't really sitting here.
It felt like a dream.
Or a fucking nightmare.
I glanced at Emmett, seeing his chest rise and fall as he sighed.
"You think he'll be okay?" I asked, and even though I kept my voice low, it still carried in the empty room. Emmett glanced at me and shrugged. Defeat was not a good color on my brother.
"Who the hell knows?" he asked. "He's Jasper though. He can't fucking die on us. He's… he's Jasper!"
"Yeah, but maybe not for long," I replied under my breath.
My dad had come by earlier to tell us that Jasper was out of surgery, but that he was still unconscious. He hadn't regained consciousness since I dragged his sorry ass out of the house. I thought back to the event that lead us to this place, thinking of Jasper's pale face as he clutched his stomach with blood pouring through his fingers.
I had picked up my phone and realized that Dad had been on the line through the whole ordeal, and he was already speeding toward La Push. Since he wasn't a cop, he didn't need to worry about crossing any boundaries. He had made it to us in no time, and Jasper had been out cold in my arms by then. He was a heavy motherfucker, but somehow I had managed to carry him for quarter of a mile before my dad found us beside the road to Forks.
I remembered back when we were going to Port Angeles for Thanksgiving. How I had made some serious indentions in the upholstery in the backseat of Dad's Mercedes, since I had gripped it so tightly. I guess those indentions weren't going to be a problem after all, since the entire backseat was now covered with Jasper's blood instead. I didn't even want to know how much blood he had lost.
There had been blood fucking everywhere, and I had been amazed there was even any left in his body once we got to the hospital.
Blood. Fucking. Everywhere.
Why did that feel so familiar?
A quiet chuckle echoed through the room. And then another. And then it started gaining in volume. Before I knew it, the chuckle turned into full blown hysteric laughter. It took me a while to realize it was coming from me.
I was fucking laughing.
Hysterically at that.
I didn't know why or where the hell it was coming from. All I knew was that I couldn't fucking stop.
"Dude, what the hell are you laughing at?" Emmett growled from beside me. "What about this situation is fucking funny to you?"
I couldn't answer him because I was laughing so hard it was starting to hurt. I saw Alice stir as she woke up, she looked at me with sleepy and confused eyes.
"What's so funny?" she asked, looking at Emmett.
"Who the hell knows? I think my brother finally lost it."
I looked at them through my laughter-induced tears, clutching my stomach as it started to hurt. It didn't take long before my hysteric laughter changed into something else.
Sobs.
I started crying like a little girl, still clutching my middle as if it was the only thing keeping me together. I rocked back and forth in my seat as my body shook. This was not one of my manlier moments, but then again – my manliness was the least of my problems.
Alice shifted in her seat so she could embrace my shaking form, and Emmett stood up so he could sit down on my other side. He put an arm around my shoulders, being there for me the only way he knew how. By just being.
"This is so fucked up," I said, when I finally regained enough control of my body. "My girlfriend is kidnapped, probably being brutalized and cut open like a fucking fish, and maybe forced to do unspeakable things to…to… mutts. And to top it all off, I get my best friend shot when I force him to go with me to find her. He's fighting for his life, and who the fuck knows if he'll survive?" I gripped my hair in my hands, pulling so tightly it hurt my scalp. "In what fucking universe does shit like this happen?" Alice rested her cheek against my arm and Emmett sighed. "Shit like this doesn't happen," I continued almost inaudibly. "Mom's doesn't cut their daughters open and drink their blood. It just doesn't happen."
Neither Alice nor Emmett said a word, and I realized now that this was probably the first time they ever heard about it. They didn't know what Bella had been through, unless Jasper had told them. But I doubted he had. He was great like that. He kept the secrets that he was told. Which was probably why he was such an awesome guy to vent to, because you knew that whatever you said would stay with him. He would take it to his grave.
I guess no one thought that he would take it with him so soon.
I sighed, trying to relax my grip on my hair, before leaning back in the chair.
I stared emptily in front of me. Not really seeing.
I wasn't crying anymore. I wasn't laughing.
I just was.
Alice sniffled next to me, and I could feel her tears wet my shirt. Emmett sighed, and I could tell it was his way to keep himself together. What a sad bunch we were.
"I fucked up," I said emptily.
They didn't argue with me.
x
When you wait for time to pass, it passes oddly. One moment it feels like it's dragging forward, then, if you aren't paying attention you'll find yourself hours from where you were, wondering where the time went. Of course, I wasn't lucky enough to experience any more of my blackouts. I would have welcomed them. Maybe time would have passed quicker that way.
The following days, I spent most of my time at the hospital. We were all sitting by Jasper's side, praying for him to wake up. His parents were a mess, and Rosalie wasn't any better. I didn't feel like I even deserved to be in his room, since I was the reason he was there. His parents hadn't told me to leave, but I could see the judgment in their eyes.
They blamed me – as they should be.
I walked out to roam the hospital halls for a while, not able to take any more of the tension in Jasper's room. I tried to think about all that was happening, trying to rationalize it. But it was pointless. Just like everything else.
The closer we got to New Years Eve, the more anxious I got. I hadn't made any attempt to go back to La Push, or anywhere else for that matter. I didn't even know in which end to begin, and maybe that was just as well. There was no use in me trying to do anything. I only got people hurt when I did. Maybe it was time for me to trust other people to do stuff instead. But then again, I didn't trust the Forks Police Department. They were bunch of fucking imbeciles.
Then who the fuck didI trust to bring my Sparrow back to me?
Nobody.
Dad spotted me in the halls when he exited an exam room.
"How are you doing?" he asked, stepping up to walk beside me.
I shrugged in response. "Who the fuck cares how I'm doing?" I asked. I stopped, and turned to him. "How's Jasper?" I swallowed thickly, afraid of the answer. The doctors had been vague at best when they talked to his parents about his current condition. I didn't want vague. I couldn't take vague. I needed straight facts. No matter how bad they were.
Dad sighed deeply, looking up and down the hall quickly before looking back at me.
"He's in bad condition, Edward. The fact that he hasn't woken up yet doesn't bode well," he explained quietly. "He's stable, and he has been ever since the surgery. But still, he should have woken up by now."
"Will he die?" I asked.
"I don't know, Edward. I don't know," he said, shaking his head.
"Have you heard anything more from Leah? Or the police? Do they know anything?" I asked.
He shook his head. "No, so far there is no news on that front either. Apparently, neither Dwyer nor Jacob has been on seen on the reservation lately. And Leah hasn't been able to find out where they are."
"Is the stupid full moon shit still in affect?" I asked. "Or have they changed that shit too?"
"No, as far as Leah could tell, the preparations are in full swing. Apparently, they are already setting up the cliff. They're taking this very seriously," he said. "She will be there, and we will get her. Don't worry."
Don't worry? That was easy for him to say.
It was still two days before New Years Eve.
I wondered if she would even make it that long.
Who were to say she was even still alive?
If she wasn't, would they even find her body?
I wondered if Jasper would wake up in time to see the fireworks.
Or if he would wake up at all.
How's that for happy holidays?
x
Nightmares plagued my sleep every night until New Year's Eve. You would think that I was going to have nightmares about the shooting, or about Sparrow's kidnapping. But I didn't – well, I did, but there was mostly about other shit. Mostly I dreamt about stuff that made no sense – like me being at parties, or me hooking up with random girls. Yes, they were nightmares, because they all ended the same.
Blood everywhere.
Some of the dreams felt familiar, but I couldn't pinpoint why that was.
I didn't sleep at all the night before New Year's Eve. How the fuck could I with nightmares like that? I tried to kill some time by taking a long relaxing shower. I even rummaged through my damn closet to find good clothes to wear. If today was the day I got Sparrow back, I wanted to look good for her. Which was fucking ridiculous, since she had never cared about my appearance. And after almost a week with those people, my looks would be furthest from her mind once we finally got together again. My looks meant nothing, and I knew it didn't matter, but I guess I just needed something else to focus on.
I pulled on a pair of jeans, and grabbed a white button down shirt.
It was good enough.
The house was quiet as I descended the stairs. The big grandfather clock in the living room said it was only a little after six a.m. My family had yet to wake up. Dad had come in late from the hospital last night, so I guess it would only be natural for him to sleep in today.
I stepped into the living room, seeing my grand piano stand on its small platform. It looked so deserted and alone. I hadn't touched it in so long.
Slowly, I walked over to it, letting my fingers touch the smooth surface as I walked around it to sit down. I opened the lid to the keys, swallowing thickly.
"I've missed you," I whispered to the inanimate object as I let my fingers ghost over the keys. "How I wish I could touch you… make you come to life… just like old times."
I let my fingers fly over the keys – never touching – pretending that I was playing. I didn't know what was keeping me from pressing down on the keys. It was as if I couldn't bring myself to do it unless I had a very good reason to. When I tried to use my keyboard in my room, at least I could touch the damn keys – even though it didn't sound any good. But not on the grand piano. Why the hell was that?
Where the hell did my muse go?
Thinking back to that night when it disappeared, I tried to remember once again what the hell really happened. But my memory was foggy. Just like it had always been. I tried to take deep breath as I closed my eyes, clearing my mind. Remembering again.
It was an awesome party. I was drunk and high on God knows what. I was having a great time. Girls were all over me. They all wanted to be the girl I took home tonight. I was the man. Everybody wanted me. Jessica Stanley was looking mighty fine this evening. Maybe she would get the honors to get a ride on my disco stick…
I opened my eyes. Jessica Stanley. I had totally forgotten that I slept with her. Or maybe I just repressed the memory. I furrowed my eyebrows as I stared down at the keys in confusion. Jessica Stanley? Really? Did Ireally sleep with her? I know I slept with someone that night, I just couldn't tell when or where it happened. All I know is that I did. Was it Jessica? I thought she only gave me a blow job, just like Tanya's younger sister…
"C'mon, Edward, please stay… the night is still young," Irina said, pulling at my arm where she still stood on her knees in front of me. I growled at her, swaying where I stood.
"Sorry tuts," I said. "But I'm way too drunk to deal with you right now. Maybe some other time."
I left the bedroom, leaving her behind, and made my way to the living room where the party was still going on. I found my brother and told him I was going to head home. I was too wasted to deal with any more of this shit; he laughed and slapped my back. Saying something about me being a wimp, before I wobbled off.
I made it to the front door, where Tanya was. She was biting her lower lip, looking at me through her lashes. She was too fucking drunk to pull it off. It wasn't sexy at all. And even if she had been sober, I would have been too fucking drunk to notice.
"Hey handsome, want to party?" she asked.
"Sorry, but I'm heading home. Your lil'sister and I already had a party," I replied with a smirk.
She pouted. "You're no fun, Eddie," she complained just as Jessica walked up to us.
"Hey, where are you going? You can't leave yet!" Jessica said, her eyes wide and almost desperate. I wondered what the hell she was tripping on. Her eyes were crazy. I guess Crowley was providing the entire party. Fucking A.
I pushed them both aside so I could get out. I needed air. Fresh fucking air.
"Please, Edward, you promised," Jessica whined, as I slammed the door shut behind me.
It took me a while, but I finally made it home. My parents were spending the night in Port Angeles – or something – so I didn't need to bother to be quiet when I stumbled up the stairs to my room. I was out cold before my head even touched the pillow.
I watched my fingers move over the keys, smiling humorlessly at the memory. There was nothing new there. I remember how I had left. I had turned down two girls because I knew I was too drunk to enjoy it anyway. But then again, Jessica already had her turn with her mouth on my dick, so maybe that it didn't really count when I turned her down before I left.
Jessica.
There was something I was missing.
I looked down at the keys again. My fingers weren't moving anymore, they were completely still.
Damn it.
I muttered and growled as an annoying shrilling sound pulled me out of my slumber. The shrilling continued, along with a muffled voice. I couldn't make out the words though. What the hell? I sat up in my bed, looking around. My head was spinning and I felt even drunker than when I went to bed.
There was another shrilling sound, and I realized it was the doorbell.
I groaned and left my bed, reluctantly making my way downstairs. Who the fuck was at the door at whatever-the-hell-it-was in the morning? I reached the front door, opening it and glaring at whoever was at the other side.
"What?" I snapped.
Jessica bit her lip nervously, twirling a strand of her hair around her finger.
"Can I come in?" she asked.
"What for?"
"You made a promise tonight, and I expect you to keep it," she said, reaching out to touch my chest. I glanced down on her hand, then at her.
"Yeah? And what was that?" I asked with a tired voice.
"You told me you'd be my first," she said. "Tanya said you wouldn't do it… I need to prove her wrong… I want you to sleep with me. I want you to be my first." She pulled her hand back and unbuttoned the first few buttons of her shirt, showing of her cleavage. I automatically licked my lips.
She was offering, who the fuck was I to say no?
"Get in here," I snapped, grabbing her hand and pulling her into the house.
It all went very fast from there. I pushed her towards the living room, as we both started removing our clothes, throwing them around us like there was no tomorrow. By the time we made it to the piano, we were already buck naked…
And that was that.
I fucked Jessica-fucking-Stanley on my precious piano.
I popped her fucking cherry on my fucking piano.
I swallowed back the bile that rose in my throat. This wasn't fucking happening. I defiled my piano. The only thing – other than my Volvo – that I took excellent care of. If the Volvo was the love of my life, then the piano was my baby, and you can't love anyone more than your baby. And I defiled my baby. I had defiled the only thing that was my own – my music. By taking Jessica on my damn piano, I had ruined everything. I ruined the atmosphere around the piano, I ruined the feeling I got when I sat down. I may have popped her cherry – or picked her damn flower, if you will – but she had stolen my muse. When she left, she brought my muse with her.
I quickly stood up and went to the kitchen. I went straight to the cleaning supply closet, looking for anything I could use to clean the piano. It had been months since it happened, so the cleaning was obviously way overdue. I spent the next hour scrubbing the keys and the seat, and the whole piano. Not a spot was left unclean. I knew my mother dusted and cleaned the piano when she cleaned the living room on a regular basis, but I still needed to do this.
When I was done, I put the supplies away, going back to sit by the piano. It smelled of strawberries now from the cleanser I had used. Strawberries. Sparrow.
Now that I remembered what happened. Now that I knew what the fuck happened between my bed and the guest bedroom. Did that mean that I could finally touch the piano again? Could I play? Some part of me must have known all along what I did on that piano, which was probably why I never allowed myself to touch the keys. I didn't deserve it. The piano used to be a clean and sacred space, free from all the bullshit in my life, until I decided to fuck a girl on it.
I always thought it was something terrible that my mind was trying to block out, that maybe I had killed someone or something that night. And that was the reason my muse left. Who the fuck knew that something so trivial as sex would be the reason for my muse leaving me? I suppose in a way it made sense. I ruined my sacred place by doing something disgusting there – using a girl for my own pleasure, and not giving a shit if she was enjoying it or not.
What the fuck was wrong with me?
I took a deep breath, closing my eyes.
There was only one girl I would ever fuck on this piano. And that was Sparrow. Nobody else deserved to be in my sacred bubble. If I had fucked – no, made loveto – Sparrow on the piano, I wouldn't have defiled it. We would have fucking blessed it. Like holy water or some shit. Making love to Sparrow on my piano would have been a good thing. I loved her and she loved me. Making love on the damn piano would have made so much sense. My sanctuary would have become even more sacred.
I smiled sadly to myself, letting my fingers ghost over the keys as I pretended to play.
Making love to Sparrow once was going to better than all the fucks in the world. I just knew it.
In less than seventeen hours, we would be reunited. We would never be apart again. I would keep her safe this time, if it was the last damn thing I ever did. I couldn't care less about my music, my Volvo or my piano. They all paled in comparison to my Sparrow. She was my sacred place now. Free from all the bullshit. She was my sanctuary.
I could almost hear the music my fingers itched to play as I thought of her.
How did I ever manage to go so long without her in my life? How could I go so long without her love?
Shit sure was different now. Nothing was what it used to be. All was new.
And I never wanted to go back.
"I used to rule the world, seas would rise when I gave the word. Now in the morning I sleep alone, sweep the streets I used to own." I sang so quietly I could barely hear my own voice. The music speed up, getting louder. I smiled to myself, letting myself get lost in the imaginary tones in my head. "For some reason, I can't explain. I know St. Peter won't call my name. Never an honest word… but that was when I ruled the world."
I sighed, opening my eyes. My smile grew wistful as I noticed my fingers playing. They weren't ghosting over the keys – they were actually touching them, pressing down and creating tones. The music wasn't all in my head. I was creating it. It was really there. I watched in fascination as they played the music I wanted to play for so long. When one song ended, another one began. In an endless chain. I didn't even need to think, this was all second nature to me. A nature that my mind had repressed for the past few months, but which it was finally letting free again. My fingers were moving fast over the keys, making up for the months of no play. My hands were starting to cramp up, because they weren't used to the abuse. But I couldn't find it in me to stop, not now, when I finally got it back.
I didn't know how long I sat there, just playing, but eventually my hands got too tired to continue. My mind was at ease, and I slowly ended the last song. I pressed one key, making the tone linger before finally fading out.
I sighed deeply, putting my hands in my lap.
"For you Sparrow," I said quietly. "Only for you."
I closed the lid over the keys, and with that I closed the door on the old Edward. The Edward that hurt people, the Edward that fucked random girls at parties, the Edward that screwed with people just because he knew he would get away with it. I closed the door on everything he stood for.
And all that was left was me.