Disclaimer:I don't own these characters, I just play with them. This story is rated M, and is not suitable for younger readers. Story contains violence, coarse language and sexual "situations". Please do not read if any of these things offends you.
Note: [Unbeta'ed! – all errors are mine ]
Chapter 56, "Close, part 2"
Isabella Swan POV
It had been a week since I lost my virginity to Edward, and I still hadn't freaked out about it. I smiled sadly to myself. Lost. It was such a weird way of putting it. It didn't fit with how I felt. I didn't lose my virginity – I gave it to him. I had lost many things during these past few months, but my virginity was not one of them.
I remembered the morning after so well, how carefree he had been. So relaxed and playful, like there was nothing that could ever bring him down. Maybe it was because we were still trapped in our wonderful bubble. The outside world didn't exist yet.
I had woken up by the feeling of Edward breathing deeply in my ear. I had yawned and snuggled him closer. He already had his arms around me, and his grip tightened around my waist. I had been amazed that I could be this close to him – without clothes – without freaking out. Why did it feel like the most natural thing in the world?
I saw how Edward smiled in his sleep, before he made a clucking noise with his tongue, indicating that he was indeed awake.
"Did I dream last night… or are you asking for seconds?" he asked, his voice hoarse from sleep, and his eyes still closed. He had never looked or sounded more smug.
"Shush you," I mumbled, burying my face in his naked chest, and it vibrated as he chuckled.
"You know what this means, right?" he asked then. I frowned and looked up at him.
"No, what?"
"I have to break up with you." He said it so seriously that if I hadn't known him as well as I did, I would have thought he was being sincere. I decided to play along.
"Yes, of course. You can't be with the same girl twice, that's unheard of."
He nodded. "Exactly. So while last night was fun, I think this is as far as we'll go."
"Yeah, you're totally right. I mean, you finally got the goose to give it up, so why else would you stay with her?"
He opened his mouth, and I was prepared for another joke, but instead there was none. He frowned deeply.
"I have fucking asked you to stop calling yourself that," he said, sounding annoyed and – dare I say it? – a little wounded. I sighed, kissing his naked chest.
"Sorry, it just slipped out," I mumbled. "Old habits die hard, you know?"
"Yes, I know," he replied, grabbing my chin to tilt my head up. "But since we're obviously trying out new habits… wanna revisit last night?" I bit my lip, shaking my head. "Why?" he asked. "Was it… you know… not… eh… I thought you said it was… eh… you know… satisfactory?" he rambled. I smiled at his obvious discomfort, kissing him softly to ease his worries.
"It was more than satisfactory, thank you," I replied softly. "But I don't think I'm ready to do it again so soon. Give a girl a chance to get used to the idea that she's no longer…"
"A virgin?" he asked, ending my sentence.
"I was going to say pure, but yeah, your word works too," I replied somberly. He frowned again.
"You're not going to freak out on me, will you?" he asked. "You won't obsess over the fact that you're no longer pure, and start to think you're dirty or something… because you're not. You're not dirty, and there is nothing wrong with what we did."
I put a hand to his chest, smiling as I shook my head. "Don't worry, Edward. I won't freak out. I just need some time to adjust to the idea is all. I don't regret what we did at all, I promise. I'll be fine."
"Good, or else I would have to kick your ass."
I laughed. "Maybe you can kiss it instead?" I joked.
"Don't mind if I do," he replied, before quickly getting under the covers. I hadn't meant it literally, and I laughed loudly as I felt his lips on my naked butt cheek. At first, he was attacking my skin with quick kisses, but after a while, they started turning softer and slower. I hummed in response as I practically melted into the mattress.
I should have known better than to relax though, because at that moment there was a quick knock on the door before it opened.
"Bella, are you ok-" Kate trailed off when she took in the scene. Her eyes growing wide as saucers. Mine did as well. I felt like a deer caught in the headlight – why did this feel so familiar? Kate let her eyes sweep over the room – noticing the clothes thrown on the floor – before looking back at me, with Edward still under the covers. He was completely still now, probably too afraid to come up for air.
I bit my lip and pulled at the covers a little bit, even though I was covered already. At least I wasn't showing her any nakedness – that would have been embarrassing.
"Eh… good morning?" I said, trying to break the tension.
Edward snorted against my skin, but he was still in hiding.
Kate narrowed her eyes at his form, then at me.
"Bella, what are you doing?" she asked, her voice soft and a little exasperated.
"I'm… we're… eh… we fell asleep."
"Yeah, I can see that," she replied. "Good thing you managed to get all your clothes off before you did." She kicked his underwear to make her point and I giggled in embarrassment.
"I'm sorry," I mumbled.
She looked at me, quirking an eyebrow. "Are you?" she asked.
Another giggle escaped me, as Edward bit the inside of my thigh. "No," I replied honestly.
"Didn't think so," Kate replied with a sigh. "Very well then, I guess you and I will be having a talk about this later. There is breakfast in the kitchen when you're done here." And with that, she left. As soon as the door closed, Edward came back up.
"You suck!" I complained to him. "Why didn't you save me? That was mortifying!"
"If she saw me she might have told my parents, and my mom would have kicked my ass," he replied.
I looked at him incredulously. "Are you saying she didn't already know you were the guy in my bed? How many guys do you think she has caught me with? Seriously, what am I?"
"A grilled chicken sandwich," he'd replied, attacking my face with kisses.
I bit my lip to keep from smiling at the memory. Edward had been wonderful. Anyone would have assumed he would have nailed and bailed, but he didn't. He stayed with me. He even had breakfast with me, and let Kate drive us to school – we didn't even care that we ended up being two hours late.
I tried to shake my head free from the memories, and focus on the task at hand.
"Are you finding anything?" Kate asked, stepping up to me. "This one is nice, isn't it?" she said, pointing on the picture on the display. I shook my head.
"I don't think I can do this… it's wrong. I'm not the one to pick this out," I replied.
Kate sighed. "You know you don't have to do this. We could go with the standard color and scheme. I just thought it would be a good way for you to gain some closure."
I didn't reply. I knew what she meant. She wasn't the only one thinking this would help me to end this chapter in my life; my shrink did too.
I walked around the room, looking at the various coffins in various colors. There was even one in marine blue. I suppose that was a fitting choice for a sailor or something. But my dad hadn't been a sailor, and even though he had gone fishing a lot, I didn't think a marine colored coffin would be fitting. I didn't even know what would be fitting. My mom would have known. She should be the one picking out the coffin, the flowers and arrange the funeral. She was the reason he ended up in one of these wooden boxes in the first place.
While I understood why my shrink and Kate thought this process would be beneficial for me, I still couldn't find it in me to care. I just didn't care about the color or material of the coffin. I didn't care about the flowers. I didn't care about the church or who would be making speeches. I simply did not care, because I didn't care that my father was dead.
Which was an issue all on its own.
"I don't care," I whispered. "Just go with the standard. I just don't care."
I left the funeral parlor before Kate had a time to respond, and quickly made my way over to the parking lot. I leaned back against the car door, rubbing my eyes with the heels of my hands.
"Bella!"
I looked up, and found Alice and Rosalie walking toward me. Alice's hands were full with various bags from different shops, while Rosalie only had one.
"Hi, guys," I replied weakly.
"What are you doing here? I thought Edward was supposed to be back today?" Alice said.
Edward had been in Seattle for two days, he and his mom had gone to a special clinic to talk to someone about his fear of driving. They weren't expecting any miracles, but it couldn't hurt to go. So they went, and I was waiting anxiously for him to get back. I hated the timing of it all. Why did he have to leave for Seattle when I was expected to plan a funeral?
"Yeah, I think he's coming in this evening," I replied.
"Wanna hang out with us until then? We're just finishing up some shopping, and then we're heading back to Forks," Alice said.
"I don't know, I'm kinda busy," I mumbled.
Rosalie sighed loudly. "Geez, Swan. If you don't want to hang out with us just say so, there's no need to be dodgy," she said, getting straight to the point as usual.
I turned to glare at her. No wonder she got on Edward's nerves.
"Excuse me, but I'm busy, meaning I'm supposed to plan my dad's funeral today. So jump off your damn high horse and stop being such a bitch, not everything is about you," I snapped. I squeezed my eyes shut, pinching the bridge of my nose to calm down – a habit I had inadvertently caught from Edward.
"Oh, well… okay," she said, a little stunned. Then after a moment, the words I never thought I would hear from her were spoken. "I'm sorry."
I looked up at her in surprise, and even Alice looked a little baffled.
"Thanks," I said, a little confused.
She smiled awkwardly. "I mean, it could have been me too, you know? Having to help my parents pick out stuff for… Jasper's funeral."
I swallowed thickly, not wanting to be reminded of the fact that I was the reason Jasper almost lost his life too. Even though I knew that I was the only one who felt that way. Nobody blamed me for what happened to him, it wasn't my fault that Jacob pulled a gun on him. If anything, it was Edward's fault for not keeping his mouth shut. Or so I'd been told.
In the end, playing the blame game would benefit no one. How could you win when your opponents were crazy? This was all my mother's, Jacob's and Phil's fault. Nobody else's.
"It's okay," I said weakly.
"Well, we were thinking of having a girls' night tomorrow at my house. You know manis and pedis, buckets of ice cream, makeovers and the whole nine yards. Wanna come?" Alice asked, changing to a lighter topic.
"Yeah, sure, why not," I replied, shrugging.
"Great! It's going to be so much fun," she said, bouncing a little where she stood. I smiled at her – at least she was trying not to bounce all over the place like a five year old on crack. Also, she was trying not to be pushy with me, which I knew was an effort for her. Jasper had told me repeatedly that Alice really wanted to make our new group work, and making me just as big a part of it like everyone else. Apparently, it took a lot of effort on her part not to drag me off and give me a makeover right away, and trying to justify it as a reason to getting to know each other.
Alice was one of a kind; that was for sure.
I had also come to realize that I didn't mind it much either. Of course, I would always hold a small grudge against all of them for not supporting Edward back when he had no one, but I also knew that the past didn't matter. We all made mistakes. The fact that they were all trying hard to make it up to Edward spoke volumes about how much they really cared about him. The fact that they all genuinely wanted me to be a part of the group made it difficult to hold a grudge. They were really trying, and I wasn't doing anyone any favors by turning them down. I wanted them as my friends. I wanted to be a part of Edward's world.
They were alright.
Even Rosalie.
In fact, I think I liked Rosalie more than Alice, for the sole reason that she spoke her mind and didn't beat around the bush – and not in a mean way. It was refreshing. It was easy to be honest with her, because you knew she would be honest in return. Alice was still too afraid to speak freely around me, in fear that she would hurt my feelings. But eventually, I was sure that even that would pass.
"Anyway, we should go. I need to hit a few more shops before we leave. Talk to you later, B," Alice said, blowing me an air-kiss. I laughed and gave her a weak finger wave, before they turned around and left.
I was oddly enough looking forward to tomorrow.
Isabella Swan attending a "girls' night" with Rosalie Hale-Whitlock and Alice Brandon of all people. Yeah, now I had lived to see everything.
x
"… and this was taken when we visited family in Chicago when Edward was five. Look at that butt! He was obsessed with his penis even then," Emmett explained, in a story-telling voice, as he showed me old baby-pictures of Edward. I laughed and smiled at the naked five-year-old Edward.
Kate had let me borrow her car, so I could drive to Forks to see Edward when he got home. Unfortunately, Edward and his mom had gotten stuck in traffic on the way out of Seattle, because of roadwork, so they hadn't arrived yet. This left me killing some time with Emmett until they arrived.
I didn't mind, because Emmett was hilarious – almost as hilarious as pictures of a naked five-year-old Edward, grabbing his small penis.
"I hope it grew out alright," Emmett mused, still with that ridiculous voice. He glanced at me. "I mean, I doubt that little wiener could do much to satisfy a woman." He wiggled his eyebrows and I giggled.
"It grew out just fine," I replied – before slapping my hand to my mouth as I realized what I just said. Emmett looked at me in surprise.
"No!" he said, his eyes wide and his mouth forming a perfect O.
"What's on the next page?" I asked, trying to steer the conversation back to the pictures. He slapped my hand away as I tried to turn the page.
"Nuh-uh, girlfriend. Spill it. Did you sleep with my baby bro?" he asked.
"I fail to see how that is any of your business," I replied awkwardly as I avoided his gaze at all cost.
"You did! Oh my God!" he exclaimed. He slapped the photo album closed and put it on the coffee table in front of us. He then clasped both of my hands in his. "Tell me everything!" he said excitedly. I looked at him for a moment before I burst into a fit of laughter.
"You sound like such a girl," I managed to croak.
Emmett frowned, pouting a little.
"Was he good?" he asked. I sighed, smiling at how childlike he was sometimes.
"Yes."
"And he wasn't an ass about it, was he?"
"No."
"Promise?"
"Yes. Edward was the perfect gentleman. It was perfect."
"And you're still together?"
"Yes."
"Wow… my baby bro reallyhas changed," he concluded in awe.
"This is news to you?" I asked.
"No, but it's nice getting proof every now and again, you know?" Emmett replied, with a light shrug.
"I suppose you're right," I replied.
The sound of a car driving on gravel caught my attention, and Emmett sighed.
"I guess my time with you is up," he said in a way that made you think he just lost his puppy.
I patted his leg as I got up. "Don't worry, Brother Bear, there's always tomorrow."
He grinned at the nickname and I couldn't help but smile in response. The Brother Bear thing was a thing we shared now; it felt nice.
I walked to the front door, just as Edward walked in. He looked at me in surprise before stepping over to me, pulling me into a hug.
"God, I missed you," I murmured as he snuggled his face into my hair, and kissing my neck.
"I missed you too," I replied, wrapping my arms around his neck.
We stood like that for a few moments, finally feeling at peace. I hated being away from him.
"How was Seattle?" I asked when I pulled away.
"It was… fine," he replied reluctantly.
"Did it help at all?" I asked. "Did you learn anything new?"
He smiled crookedly, raising his hand to tuck my hair behind my ear.
"I don't know yet," he replied. "How did the funeral planning go today?"
I wrinkled my nose, shaking my head. "Craptastic. I went to the funeral parlor with Kate, but I knew from the moment I stepped my foot inside the place that I didn't want to be involved. I don't want to pick anything out, so I told her to go with the standard schemes. I really don't care."
"Are you bailing on the funeral too?" he asked.
I shook my head. "No, I need to say goodbye. Even though I don't care now, I would regret not going."
"I think that's good. Picking out the coffin won't matter in the long run, but not saying goodbye will hunt you forever," he said.
"Alice and Rosalie want me to have a girls' night with them tomorrow," I said, changing the subject. Edward laughed.
"Now, thatwill hunt you for a life time."
"Watch your mouth, or else I'll borrow your mom's nail polish and then practice my skills on you."
"You wouldn't."
I chuckled darkly, giving him a challenging look.
"Oh yes, Mr. Cullen, I would."
x
I hugged my knees as Alice worked on my toes, painting them a brilliant shade of red. Rosalie was drinking wine and flipping through a magazine. Alice's parents were gone for the weekend and it was just us girls in the house.
Some random chick flick was playing on the TV – but it was muted so we could hear the music that was playing on the fancy stereo.
Conversation was not as awkward and stilted as I thought it would be. It was actually quite comfortable. I didn't feel weird in their presence, and when they asked me stuff, they did it because they wanted to know, and not because they had to.
They were my friends now… sort of.
"So I overheard Tanya talking to Lauren in the girls' bathroom today," Rosalie said.
"Yeah? Did they compare botched nose jobs?" Alice quipped.
"Actually, no. They were discussing Bella," she replied, putting down the magazine and turning to us.
"What about me?" I asked.
"Well, Tanya is trying to spread some rumors that you are paying Edward to date you, or something like that. Apparently, there's money involved anyway, because according to Tanya you inherited some money when your dad died, and you're using that money to keep Edward in your life."
"That's crazy!" Alice exclaimed in annoyance, staining my skin red as she missed the nail. She gave me an apologetic smile and grabbed a Q-tip from the table, putting some nail polish remover on it.
"Yeah, that's what I told her when I left the stall. I asked her how much Bella was paying him, and how much she was paying us, because why would Edward be the only one getting paid since we're all hanging out with her and giving her some damn worth in that school?"
"You didn't! What did she say?" Alice asked.
"She had no answer for that, so I asked her why she was being such a jealous and petty bitch. I asked what Bella ever did to her, and why they can't just give her a damn break," Rosalie said, shaking her head. "Seriously, sometimes I wonder if all those chemicals used to bleach her hair have damaged her brain."
"I wish I had my crutches… so I could hit her again," I mumbled without thinking.
Rosalie laughed, nodding in appreciation. "I do too, Swan. I do too. But luckily, I also have nails. Long, sharp nails that would create a disaster if they ever connected to that bitch's face. Just give me the word, and I'll do it. Nobody messes with my friends."
I smiled at her. "Friends, huh?" I said.
She smiled wryly, nodding. "Yes, friends."
"Yay!" Alice exclaimed, ruining another toe when she bounced in her seat. "We can triple date all the time now! This is going to be so awesome. No fifth wheel. Everyone has someone."
"Actually, Ali," Rosalie began. "I was thinking of replacing you. Bella is not as… exuberant as you are, and I need someone quiet to hang out with. You're too much. Where do you get your energy anyway? Do you grind up hyperactive children, and drink them as smoothies?"
"Hardy har har, Ice Queen," Alice muttered. "What about Jasper? Are you replacing him too?"
"If you do, I'm out," I interjected. "I like Jasper. He keeps Edward level."
Soon, we were thrown into a discussion of whom we couldn't cut out and why, which led us to a discussion about which people in school we wanted to cut out and why. We laughed, we cried and then we laughed some more. I hadn't laughed so much in a very long time – if ever. Rosalie had a wicked sense of humor, when given the opportunity to show it. She was also the perfect girl for Emmett. She was a real Mama Bear. She was fiercely protective of her friends – which now included me. I knew that I would never have to worry about petty girls like Tanya again.
There was no doubt in my mind that Rosalie would make good on her promise to rip her face off if given the chance. Tanya might be popular, but she didn't hold a candle to Rosalie.
Around two in the morning, when Alice had passed out on the couch, Rosalie and I were still awake.
"Thank you, Rosalie," I said.
"For what?"
"For accepting me, and for not making a big deal out of it."
"I have a feeling my brother and my boyfriend would have made life really hard for me if I didn't. I figured it would happen eventually anyway, so why not cut the crap and get on with it."
"Why would Jasper and Emmett make your life hard?"
"Because my dear brother already loves you like a sister. He absolutely adores you for what you did for Edward. None of us thought we would see the day where the guy actually grew a big enough heart to love someone apart from himself. You changed him for the better, and we're all very grateful… yes, I won't lie to you. When I found you and Edward making out on the couch in our basement, I thought you were both smoking crack… or maybe I was the one smoking crack, because in what reality did that sight make sense?" She laughed at herself, shaking her head at the memory. I smiled too as I remembered how horrified I had been when she caught us. "Still, back then it didn't make sense… but now, it does. It makes perfect sense."
"You think?"
"Yeah, I do. Edward has never looked at someone the way he looks at you, and the way he keeps stealing touches when he thinks nobody notices. I mean, c'mon. Emmett doesn't even do that, and I swear to God he never looks at me with the same intensity as Edward looks at you. And the necklace he got you? I mean, if I had known Edward had it in him, I might have gone after him instead of Emmett," she joked.
"Edward is perfect with all his imperfections."
"I'm sure he is, but to me he will always be the Douchebag. That will never change."
"And you will always be the Ice Queen to him, so I guess it evens it out."
She nodded.
"We all have your backs now," she said, her tone softer now. "Emmett, Jasper, Alice, and myself. We take care of each other, and that includes you now. So if anyone ever gives you crap, let us now and we'll deal with it."
"Who says I can't deal with it on my own?" I asked, quirking an eyebrow. "The fact that Tanya thinks she needs to spread rumors about me to win, proves how desperate she is. She must see how serious Edward and I are, why else would she be so relentless about it? If she really believed all the crap she's spreading, then she wouldn't have to do anything but wait it out."
Rosalie smirked. "Touché."
"Still, if she takes it too far, feel free to claw her face for me. I don't think I have the nails for it."
Rosalie laughed and drank the last of her wine.
"Consider it a done deal, Swan."
x
I took a hesitant step forward, putting my hand down on the smooth surface. The coffin was so generic. It was impossible to tell who was lying in it. There were no signs that suggested that it wasmy father who lied in it.
There were flowers on and around it. All were standard choices for a funeral. Many of them had cards that said, "We'll miss you, Chief." I guess the people at the station still hadn't realized what a failure of a man my dad had been. They still thought he was a hero.
"Are you okay?"
I turned my gaze up, spotting Edward standing halfway down the aisle. I smiled weakly.
"I've been better," I replied honestly.
He frowned, clasping his hands in front of him. He looked so dapper in his suit. I had never seen him dressed up before. It wasn't a fancy suit by any means, but it was still appropriate for the occasion. I was surprised that he made the decision to dress up. I had nothing to do with it.
I was dressed in a simple black button up shirt, and black dress-pants that I had borrowed from Esme. I had added a blue brooch to my shirt, to add some color. It was a gift from Esme and Carlisle – yes, I was calling him Carlisle now.
The brooch brought reminded me that not all was black – especially since I had wanted to wear white to the funeral. But I didn't, obviously, since I knew it would have been inappropriate. People didn't know the whole story; people didn't know how much my father had hurt me. They didn't need to know that I didn't mourn his death in the way they were expecting me to.
In a way, I wasn't mourning him at all. I just needed closure.
"Do you think he's in heaven or hell?" I asked, glancing at Edward.
He tilted his head a little to the side, pondering my question for a moment.
"I think he's in limbo. I think his soul has a crap-ton of baggage to deal with before he can enter either place," he replied. "Heaven doesn't want him for what he did to you, but Hell doesn't want him either because he tried to make it right in the end… despite the fact that he failed miserably."
I nodded softly, looking back at the coffin. Edward was right. My dad was in limbo. Only he could save himself now from eternal damnation.
"You fucked up, Dad," I told the coffin quietly. "You fucked up real bad. I will never forgive you for what you did… or didn't do. But that's okay. I don't need to forgive you. My forgiveness means nothing to you now. My forgiveness never meant anything. The only person I have to forgive is myself. I need to forgive myself for not fighting harder, for not talking sooner and for not getting help. I need to forgive myself for what I did to myself after what happened. That's all I need to do, and I'm doing it. I'm forgiving myself."
I sighed deeply, looking back at Edward. He was smiling softly at me, hearing every word I said. I turned back to the coffin.
"I'm opening up to someone who loves me unconditionally. Someone who puts me first and beyond everyone and everything else. I love him, and it's thanks to him that I got this far. Without him, I would be the one in this coffin," I said quietly. "Being with him, I can understand why you put Mom first. Why she was your priority. But… but despite the love I feel for Edward, I will never understand how you could turn your back on me like that. How could I not be more important to you? How could you toss me aside so easily?" I shook my head. "You know what? It doesn't matter. You were who you were, you made the decisions that led you here. Now you have to pay for it. I don't have to learn from your mistakes, because I know I would never make them in the first place."
I took a step back, my hand leaving the smooth surface. I took a deep breath, holding it for a moment before breathing out.
"I'm forgiving myself," I said again, with more conviction.
I stepped down to where Edward was waiting for me, and he held out a hand for me to take. He squeezed my hand as he pressed his lips against my hair.
"I love you," he murmured.
"I love you too," I replied.
"I will never make you chose between your kids and me. Remember, the kid will always come first in every damn situation, okay? Our daughter will never ever have to doubt our fucking love for her, you got that?" he said, almost as if he had to convince me of the fact.
I put my free hand on his stomach, smiling up at him.
"Edward… are you pregnant?" I asked.
He rolled his eyes.
"No, but if I have my way, one of these days you'll be. I will knock you up so hard you will need a wheelchair," he replied.
"I'm not sure I even want kids… not anytime soon anyway. I don't think I have it in me to be a mother."
"I'm not saying we'll have kids today, or tomorrow… fuck, my mom would kill me if I had a kid before I finished college and all that crap," he said, rolling his eyes. I snorted at the irony. His mother would kill him if he had a kid before an education – my mother literally almost killed me because she thought I'd hadsex before marriage. It's funny how that works.
"Well, I'm sure we need a lot of practice anyhow, right?" I said, biting my lip as I blushed.
Edward smirked.
"Wow, Sparrow, are you telling me you want me to rock your world again?" he asked.
"You already are," I replied, meeting his lips with mine.
x
It was a surprising amount of people who attended the funeral. It felt like almost everyone from Forks was there – as well as the better part of Port Angeles. I never knew my dad had made so many friends through his job – I didn't recognize any of these people as friends of his.
I wasn't ready to enter the church just yet, so I stood with Edward by the empty grave that soon would be my dad's final resting place. Edward had his arm around my waist, holding me to him. I braided our fingers together, where he held his hand on my stomach.
"What happens now, you think?" I asked.
"Life," he replied without a moment's hesitation. "Fucking life happens now. This is just the end of a chapter… no, this is the end of the damn story. We're entering an entirely new story now."
"Who knew you could be so deep?" I mused, leaning back against him.
He took a step so he could wrap both his arms around me from behind, and resting his cheek against the side of my head.
"Will we be okay?" I asked, turning my head to look up at him.
"We'll be fucking perfect, Sparrow. Nothing can touch us now."
I nodded. I was confident in the fact that I would be okay. If I had Edward – I had everything. I would be okay.
Edward stiffened in my arms as he looked at something in the distance. I followed his gaze and I froze too. A few people from La Push were standing by the gate to the graveyard, looking at us. They looked a little uncomfortable, probably wondering if they should approach me or not. When I studied them, I realized they weren't very old – actually, they all seemed to be in their twenties.
Eventually, one of the guys stepped forward and walked over to us. Edward's grip on me tightened, and I didn't object.
"I am so sorry for your loss," the guy said when he reached us, and I vaguely recognized his voice. I noticed that the others were slowly making their way toward us as well.
"I'm not," I replied, frowning a little.
The guy held out his hand.
"I'm Paul," he said.
For some reason, his name made me relax. I knew who this guy was. He was there the night of the ceremony. He was one of the guys who saved me.
"Hi, Paul," I said, nodding with a small smile.
"My friends and I are just here to give our condolences. Your father was a good man, and he was well respected on the rez. We're sorry for everything that has happened, and what you were put through because of the Blacks. You were never meant to be a part of it," he explained, sounding regretful.
"Well, she was," Edward cut in. "And what the fuck for?"
He held me even tighter against his chest.
Paul looked up to meet Edward's gaze. "The legend spoke of the daughter of the Wise One, a girl who was supposed to be coming from the family of the Swan, wearing feathers which were not her own. The Uleys and the Blacks were convinced the legend was speaking of Bella, mostly because Dwyer put that idea in their head. When Renée was told, that was when everything went to hell. Even if the legend had been speaking of Bella, it wouldn't have mattered. If the girl – or the guy for that matter – doesn't want to fulfill the prophecy and the legend that's the first sign that it's not supposed to be. Free will is the most important thing."
A girl – no, a woman – stepped up next to him, hugging his arm; she looked a little older than Paul, maybe she was in her late twenties, and she had a friendly face.
"The rest of the tribe was being kept in the dark; we were under the impression that Bella wanted this just as much as Jacob did. We supported him, of course. We want nothing but happiness for our tribe, but not at the expense of someone else. When it became known that the Black's were planning to put Bella through a cleansing ritual to make her pure, as well as kidnapping her, it became clear this was not mutual. That was also when Leah showed everyone the research she had done, making it clear that the legends never speak of anyone outside the tribe. Bella couldn't be the daughter of the Wise One, because she's not a Quileute," she explained.
"So, what happens now?" I asked. "Will you still pretend like your legends are real?"
The woman smiled. "Theyarereal, sweetie," she said. "The legends are what brought me and Paul together. We had our firstborn daughter on the same night as the prophecy said. The legend told us that we would have our child the day after the sky had exploded, and we had our daughter on New Year's Day. See, they arereal, as long as the right people are involved."
"Some people in our tribe will always take them more seriously than others, of course," Paul said. "But that doesn't mean we're going to hurt innocent people. We will never force anyone into something they don't want. We don't want a repeat of this."
"Good to know," Edward replied with a snort.
Paul turned his eyes back to me. "Bella, I apologize for everything we have put you through. Even though we didn't know how the situation was progressing, we still should have questioned it. The fact that you were never on the reservation after that first ritual went wrong at your house, should have been enough of a warning for us. We should have stepped in, and we are deeply sorry that we didn't."
I just nodded. I had nothing else to say.
"I guess we'll be leaving you now, we just wanted to pay our respects," Paul added.
"You can stay for the ceremony if you want to," I offered quietly.
"Thank you," he said, nodding. He turned around, walking back to the church with the rest of his crew, with the woman still hugging his arm.
"Hey, Paul?" I called, remembering something.
He stopped and turned around. "Yeah?" he replied.
"Whatever happened to Billy?" I asked. "From what I hear, the feds never got to him."
Paul smirked in a dark, but somewhat amused, way.
"We dealt with it," he replied after a moment.
"Which means?" I prodded.
"That we dealt with it. You have nothing to worry about," he replied.
"Do you think they killed him?" I asked Edward, when they were out of earshot.
"They are sick bastards," he replied. "I wouldn't be surprised if 'dealt with' means cutting him into pieces and making bread out of him or some shit. Either way, I'm sure he got what he deserved. Even if the guy is still out and about, what the fuck can he do? He's in a wheelchair for crying out loud. What's he going to do with you anyway? His son is gone, his accomplices are behind bars… he has nothing left. That bastard will suffer and die alone, if he's not dead already."
I sighed and smiled wistfully to myself. Edward was so angry about the whole thing, while I was just… over it. I didn't care much about being reminded of what happened. I just wanted to move forward.
"I think I'm ready to say goodbye now," I said, looking down at the grave. "I'm ready to close this chapter of my life."
He kissed the top of my head, before letting me go. He stepped up beside me and took my hand as we walked toward the church where everyone was waiting.
"Do you remember what you told me that night, when I asked you what you would choose, if you could choose anything in this fucked up world to have, what it would be?" he asked me.
I looked up at him, shaking my head.
"No, I don't remember," I replied.
He smiled down at me. "You said all you ever wanted was to be loved."
"Oh, that," I said, blushing.
"Yes, that. So now that you finally have that, what will you do?"
I stopped, making him turn to me. I then smiled.
"I will do anything. I will go to college, get a degree, I will bungee-jump, I will swim with the dolphins, I will sleep under the stars, I will travel to Europe, I will learn Japanese."
Edward smiled.
"Sounds like a plan, Sparrow. Am I allowed to join?" he asked.
"Yes, I can't imagine doing any of those things without you. You know what else?"
"No, what?"
"I will always love you."
"Sounds like an even better plan, since I'll always love you too."
He leaned in to kiss me, and just as his lips were about to touch mine there was a voice interrupting us.
"Hey, guys, the ceremony is about to start, and seriously, bro, did you lose your balls before or after she told you she loved you?" Emmett asked. Edward and I both turned our heads toward him, where he was waiting by the gate – also looking dapper in his suit. I smiled at Emmett.
"He didn't lose his balls, they are thoroughly attached to his body, thank you very much," I told him.
"You would know, now, wouldn't you, Sparrow?" Edward teased. I felt my face flush a brilliant shade of red, and Emmett's booming laugh echoed through the graveyard.
"You really shouldn't have said that," I warned Edward.
He smirked. "What are you going to do about it?"
"You'll see."
He quirked an eyebrow at me, expecting me to elaborate, but I just laughed and continued my way toward Emmett.
I put my hand in my pocket, fingering the corner of the envelope. I had been carrying around Jacob's letter for a few days, trying to decide what to do with it. I didn't want to read it. Since I didn't want to talk to him – why would I want to read his damn letter? What difference would it make? Jacob was a closed chapter in my life, and reading this letter would not benefit me in the slightest.
I guess that was why I took it with me today. I was going to bury the letter with my father. That way, I would be burying Jacob. It made more sense that way than just throwing the letter out.
I had been right.
This was not the end – this wasn't even the beginning.
It didn't matter what it was.
All I had was now.
x
Edward was biting furiously on his thumbnail – or what was left of it. I sat on the steps, watching him as he watched his car. He walked around it, kicked one of the tires, while munching away on his thumbnail. This had been going on for almost forty-five minutes now. He had yet to utter a word.
It had taken him ten minutes to even enter the garage in the first place. I had leaned against the wall, while Edward had clenched and unclenched his fists at his sides. He had stared at the door as if it was silently insulting him. I suppose I could understand why he would feel that way, since we both knew what was hiding behind said door.
But eventually, he got the courage and walked in. I had followed suit and sat down on the steps, waiting for him to do his thing. In therapy, they were focusing a lot on Edward's fear of driving. I didn't know if it was because Edward wanted it, or because the shrink thought it was a good place to start. As I watched Edward now, however, it was clear that he was very intent on getting over this. He didn't even want to go out on another date with me until he had gotten over it.
Apparently, he wanted to do it the right way. He didn't want his girl to pick him up. It was all backwards, according to him. I didn't mind. I didn't need any dates, as long as I got to hang out with him. Dates were overrated – what could a date offer that I couldn't get with him at home anyway?
I crossed my arms over my chest, to keep myself from trying to reach out and touch him.
"We don't have to do this," I said eventually with a sigh.
He turned his head to me, furrowing his brows.
"Yes, we do," he replied, still nibbling on his thumbnail. It was starting to look disgusting.
"We have time. We don't need to rush it. Maybe today isn't the day."
He groaned and lifted his hands, dragging them a couple of times through his hair, before gripping tightly.
"I can fucking do this," he said, as if trying to convince himself.
I sighed. I wanted to reassure him, and tell him he could do it, but at the same time, I knew that this wasn't the day. This wasn't the day when all his issues would go away. This was an issue that needed time; this was too deeply rooted to be gone in one simple afternoon.
How did we even end up in the garage today? Well, after a very nice make out session in his room, he had become overly optimistic. He talked about how everything was finally starting to work out for us, and that was when he decided that he was going to take me out for a spin. He said he felt good, and that he thought that taking me out with his Volvo would be a non-issue. He was over it now, he said, since my cast was gone and could no longer remind him of it.
I guess my boy was wrong.
As soon as we had reached to the door that leads to the garage, he had stopped. Then, he just stared at it, while fighting an inner battle that I could not help him with.
"What's the worst thing that can happen?" I blurted, feeling frustrated with the entire situation. I was frustrated with his stubbornness and I was frustrated that I couldn't help him. Edward was just standing there – watching the car. I didn't know what he was thinking, so I didn't know where his mind was. I didn't know what we were supposed to do; all I knew was that staring at the car would get us nowhere.
He glanced at me briefly before staring at the car again. His hands were gripping his hair. I studied his face for a moment, wondering if I was maybe onto something…
"Tell me," I said. "Tell me what you think will happen if you were to actually get in behind the wheel of that car."
"Nothing will fucking happen," he muttered. "It's just a damn car."
"Exactly. So why aren't you opening the door… maybe sit down for a while?" I asked.
He didn't answer me – he didn't even acknowledge that he heard me. I sighed and stood up. I stepped over to him with confident steps. Although, my limp was kind of ruining the illusion.
I walked around the car, glancing back at Edward, before really giving the Volvo an onceover. I hadn't watched the car at all since we got in here – I had been too busy watching Edward.
The Volvo was spotless. There were no traces of the damage he had done to it after his freak out. I knew it had been bad, even though I had only heard about it and never seen the damage for myself. Whatever he had done – there were no traces of it. It was as if it never happened. I vaguely realized that this car had been through quite a lot since the accident – especially considering Edward hadn't even driven it since.
It had been three months now. Three months since I had hit that windshield.
So much had happened since then.
Wow.
Three short months.
I stepped around the car, standing in front of it as I looked at the windshield again.
"Can you please step away from the car?" Edward asked quietly, with a sense of desperation to his voice. I looked up to find him standing by the driver's door, gazing at me with a vulnerable expression in his eyes.
"Why?" I asked him, not moving.
He made a weird twitchy motion with his head as he stepped toward me. He reached for my hand, and I took it, letting him pull me away. I thought he was just going to take me away from the car – but instead he wrapped his arms around me, crushing me to his chest.
He pressed his lips against the top of my head, and we stood there in silence for a moment before he spoke.
"Do you have flashes from that night?" he asked.
I shook my head. "No, I don't really think about it that much," I replied honestly. "Not about the accident itself anyway… I mostly think about what happened because of it." I pulled back so I could look up at him. "Why do you ask?"
"Because I do," he said with a sigh. "I have flashes. Mostly when I'm trying to sleep or something just reminds me of it… like right now, when you were standing in front of the car. I could literally see you get hit and smash into that fucking windshield…"
"Maybe this wasn't such a good idea," I mumbled.
"No, it wasn't," he agreed. "Let's go watch some fucking TV or something."
I nodded, waiting for him to turn toward the door, but he was still frozen in place. I looked up at him. He was staring longingly at the car; the pain was evident in his eyes. I couldn't even imagine how much he wanted to be able to drive again. This was hurting him so much.
"If I sit in the passenger seat, do you think that would help?" I asked quietly. "You don't seem to have that strong of a reaction when I'm in the car… you seem calmer. But then again, I don't know how you are when I'm not in the car, but still. I've noticed you seem to relax if I touch you…"
"You wanna touch me, Sparrow? We can go up to my room for that," he said, smiling crookedly as he tried to make the situation into a joke.
"Edward," I warned him.
"Fine," he sighed. "Let's get this shit over with."
I stepped away from him and to the passenger side, shooting him a glance before getting in. Edward looked at me through the windshield, and I tried to give him a reassuring smile.
"You know what happened last time I tried to do this… the last time I tried to just sit in the damn thing," he said.
I nodded. "I know, but you were alone then. You aren't now. If you freak out, I'll be able to calm you."
"How can you be so sure? What if I hit you or something?" he asked. "I smashed the damn car. How can you be so sure I won't smash you?"
"I can't be sure, but I trust you and that is all I have. So please, try. For me."
I wanted to kick myself for pushing him like this, but at the same time, I was only doing this for him. He needed a push, and he knew that just as well as I did. That was the only reason he didn't fight with me on this, because he knew I was just trying to help.
I reached over the center console to open the door for him, and he clenched his jaw as he stepped over to the door. He took a deep breath before getting in. It didn't escape my notice that he kept the door open. I decided to let that detail slide. Baby-steps.
As soon as he was behind the wheel, his entire posture changed drastically. I had never seen him so distraught before – even though I had seen him pretty damn upset before. His eyes were wide with panic and his breathing was shallow.
All this, because he was sitting in his car.
I did this to him. I didn't get out of the way, even though I had time, and because of that, Edward was now afraid of his own car. A car he used to cherish over all else in this world. This car was his baby, and because of me, he could barely look at it now.
I took his hand, holding it between us with both of mine. I was completely turned to him in the seat.
"I'm so, so sorry," I whispered, with tears only moments away from falling.
Edward relaxed infinitesimally at my touch, and he turned his head to me.
"What were you thinking when you saw the car coming toward you? What were you thinking?" he asked; it was clear that he struggled hard to keep his voice even.
"I thought that I was finally going to get the relief I'd been waiting for. I was finally going to get rid of the pain. I would finally get some peace," I replied.
"What was the last thing you remember thinking?"
"Finally," I replied, with a sad smile. "I remember thinking 'Finally'."
"When I got out of the car, and found you seemingly dead on the road… all I could think about was how this was going to affect me. I didn't fucking care that you were dead, all I could think was that people would think that I was a murderer. I cared more about the rumors, than the fact that I had actually killed you. How messed up is that?" he asked.
"Not any more messed up than not getting out of the way even though you had time," I replied with a shrug. "We were both different people back then. We were both in dark places in our lives… different kind of darkness, maybe, but darkness just the same."
He took a shuddering breath, chuckling awkwardly.
"Are you saying I made you see the light? That's some good shit," he said.
"There was a light at the end of the tunnel, I just walked toward it. How was I supposed to know you were waiting for me at the other side?"
"Do you think we're dead?" he asked.
"Yeah, I think we are. I think we both died that night, and were reborn with the people we were supposed to be." I smiled and leaned my head back against the headrest. "Do you know why they call it soul mates?" He shook his head. "Because our souls recognize each other. They travel together from life to life, always searching for one another. Maybe that night was when our souls decided that enough was enough, and they wanted to get back together again. Our souls were trapped in the bodies of two people who couldn't be more wrong for each other, so destiny intervened and brought them together, by killing the people who hated each other, so they could be reborn in the same life into people who loved each other."
Edward smiled crookedly to himself, as he looked out the windshield.
"Soul mates," he echoed.
"You think it was too cheesy?" I asked, wrinkling my nose and smiling in amusement.
He shook his head and turned his gaze to me.
"No, I think that made perfect sense. We did die, only difference from normal death is that we didn't need a coffin."
"Do you think we will last? Do you think we'll last all through college?"
He nodded. "I do. Of all the fucking things, that's the one thing I am sure of. I love you. I can't imagine this feeling ever going away. I fucking fall in love with you more and more for each passing day. That shit will never stop."
We were quiet for a moment. Both taking in what's been said.
We were both still broken, and we would remain broken for a while. I wasn't going to get over the issues I had any easier than Edward was. Edward had a long way to go before he would be able to drive a car again, but it was okay. We had all the time in the world. He didn't need to get over it tomorrow – or even next week. As long as he worked on it, he would be okay eventually. He was going to get all the time he needed. There was no rush.
As for me, I still had quite a few things to come to terms with, but I found it easier and easier to deal with each passing day. The fact that my mom wasn't going to come back for me was a huge help.
I didn't need to worry about looking over my shoulder, I didn't need to worry about being pure or clean, or whatever the hell my mother had expected of me. All I needed to be was me, because that was good enough.
I was good enough.
"I guess things are going to be kind of boring now, aren't they?" Edward asked eventually. "I mean, no batshit fucking crazy mothers running around, no threats of relocating my family to Chicago… It's just us now, and deal with whatever shit we have to deal with. So what do you want to do, Sparrow? What's next?"
I looked at him, smiling.
"I've chosen my life – now I want to start living it."
THE END