Rachel was finally convinced to go to sleep by the other girls at 1 in the morning, having filled multiple pages in her notebook and texted and/or called every student council member, some multiple times. And she still found herself waking at 4 in the morning. She wasn't sure at first what had wakened her until she sat up and counted two bodies besides her own. Quinn, who had been lying next to her as she drifted off to sleep, was nowhere in sight. Alarm lanced through Rachel and sat up even straighter. Looking around quickly, she stood without rustling the covers too much. Brittany and Santana were sound asleep, wrapped around one another in a tangle of limbs and love. Rachel grabbed a throw blanket that had been draped over the couch and went to investigate.
Rachel crept around the house, checking to see if the bathrooms were occupied, if Quinn was in Santana's room, if she was in Tony or Manny's empty rooms. Finding her nowhere in the house, Rachel felt a sinking in her gut. Had Quinn left? Was she just too overwhelmed? Had they handled her wrong? She crossed through the living room to get to the foyer and opened the front door to see if Quinn's car was gone.
Quinn sat on the porch steps, legs tucked to her chest and toes balanced on the middle step. Her head turned slightly when she heard the front door open but she didn't look back. Instead she just rubbed her hands against her arms, warming herself in the cool night air.
Rachel stepped forward and sat down next to Quinn, opening up the blanket she was wearing and wrapping half snuggly around Quinn. Quinn looked up in shock. She didn't say anything as she took the blanket Rachel had placed on her shoulder and pulled it closer.
Their arms pressed against one another and to pull the blanket around both of them, both girls angled their upper bodies towards one another. Quinn's cheeks and nose were red with cold, but the blanket was enough for now. The air was nippy, not freezing. Rachel could tell that Quinn had been sitting on the porch for a little while. She could feel the gooseflesh on Quinn's arm.
"Why'd you come out here, Quinn? Are you alright? I hope we didn't make you uncomfortable, that was never our intention. If there's anything I can do to fix what-"
"I'm fine, Rachel," Quinn interrupted to stop any continuation of Rachel's diatribe.
"Then why are you out here at approximately 4:15 AM?" Rachel questioned.
Quinn sighed, putting her chin on her knee and pulling the blanket more tightly around herself. Rachel let a little of her half slip from her grasp, allowing Quinn to take more than she'd intended. Quinn didn't notice and Rachel let a bubble of satisfaction form in her chest. If she was going to hide her affections, subtle acts of caring for Quinn would have to do. Rachel had feared her ability to do subtle, but privately she thought her blanket sharing to be quite suave.
"I just needed some air," Quinn said.
Rachel bit back a snort of disbelief, knowing it would be ill-received. "Was I being too clingy in my sleep? I've been told my grip is hard to escape from, and if that's the case I do-"
"No, Berry-… Rachel, it wasn't that." If Rachel hadn't known better, she could have sworn Quinn's cheeks were pinker. It was probably just the cold.
Seeing Rachel's still concerned look, Quinn added, "It was just… a little much. After so long. It was so similar to old sleepovers and I needed… to clear my head."
"Is that a bad thing?" Rachel asked. "That it was like old sleepovers, I mean."
"No," Quinn breathed, some of her shaggy blonde hair falling into her eyes. Rachel wanted to brush it away but managed to restrain herself. "It was nice. Hard. But nice."
Rachel didn't ask what Quinn meant by hard, she was pretty sure she knew. Quinn had surgically removed Santana and Brittany from her life with extreme purpose. Quinn had nearly killed herself to get them out of her life… and now here they were. Rachel didn't know Quinn's specific emotions, but she could guess at some of them: regret, anger, maybe some fear. Seeing close up the things she'd given up, for whatever reason, seeing what she'd lost. "It was always going to be nice, Quinn," Rachel murmured, "They love you very much." And I might, too.
Quinn averted her eyes and nodded. Rachel bit her lip, sensing an opening for some of her questions but knowing she'd have to approach on mouse-delicate feet instead of her customary Rachel elephant stomp. "They always loved you, even when you weren't talking."
"They shouldn't have," Quinn grumbled, a crease forming in her forehead.
"That's quite possibly true, they way you treated them." Quinn scowled and leaned away, taking some blanket along with her. Rachel let her take it. "But I think, subconsciously, all three of you knew how false it was. And Santana and Brittany latched onto that with their love."
Quinn's frown faded slightly. "You really think they knew that?"
"Well, yeah. I knew within minutes of meeting you for the, um, second time. You really are a terrible liar, Quinn."
For some reason Quinn laughed very hard at this, an amused glint in her eye when she said, "Yeah, sure, Rachel." It made Rachel immediately uneasy.
"A-anyway. Anyone could tell you didn't want to stop being their friend. Because you didn't, did you?"
The street was still and quiet as the two girls sat on the stoop. Rachel didn't prod because by this point she knew that sometimes Quinn needed to work up the courage to say what she needed to say. "No, I didn't," Quinn finally said into the night air.
"Did your dad make you stop being friends with them?"
Another long pause before Quinn said, "Yes."
Rachel put a hand on Quinn's shoulder. "I'm so sorry, Quinn."
Quinn shrugged. They sat quietly for a while, listening to the silence of the night.
After a little while Rachel shivered. Quinn looked at her and seemed to only then realize she'd taken nearly three fourths of the blanket for herself. "Oh shit, sorry Rach. I didn't mean to." Quinn fumbled to feed more of the blanket back to Rachel.
"No, no, it's fine," Rachel protested, waving her hands. Quinn ignored her, wrapping the blanket snuggly around Rachel's shoulders until both of them were adequately covered. "Thank you," Rachel said softly, her breath catching in her throat as she found herself nearly nose to nose with Quinn Fabray. Quinn was so beautiful, up close it was like staring into the sun, even in dim lighting. Her pale face glowed in the starlight, her hazel eyes dark and soulful. Her lips were parted slightly to take in the cool air and Rachel just wanted to lean forward and kiss them. Just breathing the same air as Quinn set Rachel's nerves a-hum.
She was hopelessly, hopelessly head over heels.
Rachel didn't let herself stare at Quinn's lips for too long, and when she looked back up Quinn was staring right back at her. When their eyes met Quinn bit her lip, looking like she wanted to say something, Rachel nearly blurted out, "Yes, I'll kiss you, yes, I'll date you, anything you want, ask away Quinn."
It was very good that she didn't, however, as Quinn's rough voice said, "I know you don't understand, but he's my father and I have to live with him. It was just easier… It made things easier." Quinn's lashes fluttered as she tried to continue. "Someday I'll be able to be friends with who I want… to be who I want to be. Just not… not yet."
"You can be exactly who you want to be, exactly who you are, here with us, Quinn," Rachel said gently. Quinn started to shake her head but Rachel pressed on, "You don't have to tell him, I promise we won't. We can be secret friends."
"It's not that simple," Quinn argued.
"Why not? He never has to know."
"I don't want to risk it. I-"
"You what?"
"I'm afraid."
Rachel felt her whole body react with the urge to hold onto Quinn and never let go. She exhaled steadily, then when she could manage she asked, "Afraid of him?"
Quinn looked down at her knees, bangs hiding her eyes, and slowly she nodded.
It took everything Rachel had to stop herself from shaking Quinn and demanding to know what Mr. Fabray did to her, why Quinn was so terrified of her father, why Quinn had bruises, why she was so clearly miserable that Rachel could feel it pierce straight to her heart.
Rachel composed herself, heart thumping out a loud rhythm, and she choked out through lips waiting for a scream, "What would he do if he knew you were friends with us?"
Quinn still stared at her knees and she shrugged.
"Quinn," Rachel barked. When Quinn flinched Rachel closed her eyes, cursing herself in her mind, and she took even more time to soften everything about herself: her body, her face, her voice, before she tried again. Rachel was gentle and coaxing as she said, "Quinn. Please talk to me."
Quinn didn't budge.
Rachel waited and when nothing was forthcoming, Rachel said, "Quinn, that's okay. You don't have to talk to me." Rachel feel her throat constrict at even saying these words, rebelling against them, but she couldn't demand. She had to let Quinn come to her. Quinn had to trust her. "But would you please look at me?"
Quinn's head lifted and her eyes were wary and vulnerable. She pursed her lips in a thin line and waited.
Rachel just smiled at her.
Quinn was obviously prepared for Rachel to ask again, and when Rachel didn't Quinn couldn't quite believe it. Rachel was fighting her very nature to keep from asking Quinn to talk to her again. But she did it for Quinn. She had to. Rachel could see the wariness slowly leave Quinn's eyes, the preparation for the other shoe to drop slipping away. Her eyes became searching and hungry instead, and Rachel didn't move for fear of startling Quinn back into hiding.
It felt like an eternity to the always-moving Rachel, staying quiet and stationary for so long. Finally Quinn sighed out, looking back towards the front door before saying in a low voice, "Say you won't tell them."
Lightning coursed up Rachel's spine and before even considering she said quickly, "I promise."
"My dad… isn't a good person," Quinn whispered, looking as if she was terrified to even utter the words. "He's done things… like throw my mom out of our house. And… and once he put me on a starvation diet when I got a little chubby. I was eight."
"Oh my god, Quinn," Rachel gasped.
Quinn shook her head. "Don't… don't. Please, Rachel."
Rachel clamped her mouth shut.
"I learned how to exercise after that. Keep in shape. But my dad is capable of more. More than capable." Quinn trailed off.
Rachel held her breath. Quinn seemed to be thinking hard again, her jaw working.
Rachel could see the stress of talking, the concentrated effort it was taking Quinn to even think what she was thinking, and in the end no words came. Quinn just sat with tight muscles and stony jaw, staring out at the street. Rachel put a hand on Quinn's shoulder, and to her amazement Quinn leaned into her touch.
Spurred by this reaction, Rachel said, "It's okay if words are hard to say, Quinn. They do hold a lot of power. Just know that if you ever find you can say the words and don't know who to say them to, I am always an option."
Quinn stared at Rachel as if she couldn't quite believe Rachel was saying this to her, and Rachel wondered if anyone had ever extended the offer in words to her. Of course Santana and Britt would have listened, but voicing this would have been too overtly mushy for Santana's tastes and it would have never occurred to Brittany that Quinn didn't know this was an option. What Brittany didn't understand was that Quinn didn't know the supposedly "inherent" friendship benefits, or didn't know there were benefits outside the obvious gift of company. Quinn didn't immediately get friend dynamics.
But Rachel understood this. Rachel had not had friends like Santana and Brittany before high school. She hadn't had many friends at all. Acquaintances from dance classes and temple, no one who came over on a regular basis. Becoming San and Britt's friend had opened a whole new world for her. She'd embraced it with open arms, having been a lonely child who had just barely convinced herself not having friends was okay if she was going to be a star.
Rachel had learned all these friend expectations and perks from Brittany easily, willing and excited to learn them, Quinn, however, was an ice wall.
Rachel could easily imagine Quinn not quite absorbing, not grasping that such things applied to her as well.
The words were so quiet Rachel nearly missed them.
"Thank you, Rachel."
Quinn's tone was so tired, so sincere in gratitude, Rachel had to blink back tears. A quiet snuffle made Rachel think Quinn was trying to do the same.
It hurt to think that Quinn might never take her up on the offer. But the sheer appreciation in Quinn's voice, just knowing it was there, made Rachel feel incredible. She had managed to make Quinn her friend. She had managed to make Quinn trust her. Quinn had someone to depend on now, and Rachel was more than a tad ecstatic that that someone was her.
Selfish? Maybe. Rachel didn't much care.
"So, Berry," Quinn said more loudly, and Rachel almost laughed at Quinn's very obvious attempt to distract from her vulnerability. "What are you doing up? Still worried about the dance?"
"Oh, no," Rachel said with a shrug. "That's mostly sorted. The useless student council had been calling it the Secret Dance Theme in fliers, they aren't very industrious. Now half the student body will already have plans to go, which defeats the purpose of a Sadie Hawkins, but hopefully it will be a push for some shy girls to take a risk. The council was pretty willing to take any theme suggestion endorsed by me."
"Because you're Rachel Berry," Quinn only semi-teased.
"Because I'm Rachel Berry," Rachel agreed.
Rachel had always known she was special, that she was going to be someone, but she hadn't anticipated ruling high school, even in her wildest dreams. Not to this degree, anyway. The fact that she could say jump and people replied with "how high" was mind boggling on some days. On others, it just felt natural. She wasn't so bad at being the ruler type. Rachel thought her decisions were pretty great, and she hoped that the majority of the school agreed.
Or at least, didn't secretly hate her.
"And to think, if you had stayed in your popular position it might be you making the executive decisions," Rachel mused.
Quinn chuckled. "Maybe so. I can't imagine my old self being overly interested in the themes of dances, though. Just whether or not I got the Prom Queen crown."
"You want to be prom queen?!" Rachel's eyes bugged and she leaned back to look at Quinn.
"Not anymore!" Quinn replied with a derisive huff. "When I was little I wanted to be picture perfect. I wanted people to respect me, to know… to know I was… better than them. Now, I want people to fucking leave me alone."
Rachel smiled, picturing a serious-faced young Quinn Fabray holding her head high in school, wanting to be prom queen, a cheerleader, seemingly wanting the popular life. It was a cute image, even if it clashed with her own young self, all glitter and smiles and smart-ass. They probably wouldn't have gotten along. But all that past had led them here, sitting on a stoop together and confiding in one another.
"What do you think you would have done then, if you were popular?" Rachel asked.
Quinn frowned. "I don't actually think I would have done much of anything. Or changed much. I would have just wanted the power. The control. Being able to control your situation, your status, that's the benefit of the crown." Quinn smiled slightly. "I think you were much better for the school than I would have been. You want everyone to have a good time, not just you."
"I just know what it's like on the other side," Rachel said softly. "I'm sure now that you do, too-"
"Nah," Quinn said with a shake of her head. "Keep your head down. If I suddenly had the urge to take your crown, I'd just- keep the status quo."
"Now, I don't believe that," Rachel said gently. Quinn was way too hard on herself. She didn't give herself enough credit. "You take care of the people you're around. Like Santana and Brittany when you were their friend. Like Mack. You'd look out for them."
"That's not saying much," Quinn mumbled. "Everyone looks out for their own. You look out for everyone. That's something, Rach."
"You're a lot better than you know, Quinn," Rachel said. She wriggled her arm out from the tight grip of their blanket and put it around Quinn's shoulders. Quinn's brow furrowed, clearly confused and disbelieving of Rachel. But Rachel didn't let her gaze waver, didn't let her confident smile drop. Rachel absolutely believed that Quinn was more amazing than she could conceive.
Well, Rachel could see it. And she'd never stop telling Quinn.
"I hope people like the theme. It's not perfect, but I forgot-… and the council wasn't being helpful."
"I'm sure they'll have fun."
"Dances are pretty great. The glee club gets paid a small amount to perform. We usually take turns so that all of us can dance and perform. We should dance whenever I get tagged out," Rachel said with a grin.
Quinn quirked an eyebrow. "What? Dance?"
"Yes! You are going, right?" Rachel realized immediately what a ridiculous question that was. Quinn was a Skank, or at least pretending to be one. Of course she wouldn't want to go to a dance.
Quinn chuckled, smirking at the look on Rachel's face. "I wasn't planning to."
"W-well… well you should go! It's always fun, and we'll all be there. Me and Santana and Britt. And Mercedes and Puck and Finn, you were getting along with them too. Come on, it'll be a blast!"
Quinn was still grinning but her lips tightened in consideration. After a pause, she joked, "Is that an invitation?"
Rachel stuttered, no words coming out complete, and she felt heat rush up her neck and behind her ears. For some reason Rachel's flustered state made Quinn's face relax, her smile grow wider, and soon she was laughing. "Jeez, relax Rach, I wasn't being serious. You don't have to invite me, I'm not exactly dance-friendly."
The instant Rachel realized that Quinn had taken her nervous stammering as confirmation that Quinn wasn't good enough to invite, the stammering stopped and Rachel said, "Of course I'm inviting you."
Quinn stopped laughing, her smile stiff and questioning. "What?"
"Quinn, would you like to come to the Sadie Hawkins dance with me?" Rachel beamed at Quinn, watching the girl's face fluctuate between confused and wary and charmed.
"You serious?"
"Yeah! As friends, of course."
"Of course," Quinn repeated, grinning a little.
"We'd have so much fun. We could get ready together, we'll grab food, we'll dance. It'll be a blast, I promise!"
"Okay, okay," Quinn said, laughing again. She rolled her eyes. "You are something else."
"I am that," Rachel said proudly, preening herself. Had she really just asked Quinn out? It was practically a date. Only no, of course not, not a date. Bad Rachel, don't think of it that way. Still, Quinn had accepted so easily, and that meant that Quinn liked hanging out with Rachel. That she was willing to go to an event that she would normally avoid at all costs just to hang out with Rachel… and Santana and Brittany and her glee club acquaintances. Perhaps Rachel was taking too much credit. Quinn was branching out. It didn't all come down to Rachel.
And yet, if anyone else had asked, Rachel wondered if Quinn would have gone.
"I don't have any dance dresses."
"We can go shopping! I'll need Santana and Britt to come with us, I've gotten good at not wearing carousel horse sweaters but that's just dressing myself. Dressing others I'm still working on."
"Like it'll be hard to get those two out to a mall," Quinn snarked.
"Very true."
"I can't believe you used your Sadie Hawkins invite on me," Quinn laughed, shaking her head.
"There's no one I'd rather go with," Rachel said with a shrug.
Rachel was definitely certain she saw Quinn blush a little this time. Rachel hoped very much that she wasn't making Quinn feel awkward. But it was true, even if Rachel didn't have a huge crush on Quinn. Asking out any of the glee boys seemed too incestuous at this point, especially after dumping Finn. She wasn't about to ask out one of Finn's best friends, even if it was purely a friend date. She'd have gone solo, if anything. Now, she was going with a friend. Her very good friend, Quinn.
Which was all she could ask for.
"Come on, Quinn, let's go inside. It's cold out here and we should get some sleep. You know Brittany is going to jump on us in the morning as soon as she gets up."
"Morning shake-awake ritual." Quinn nodded acknowledgement.
Rachel stood and let the blanket fall off her, turning and picking up her portion to wrap around Quinn's shoulders. Quinn smiled and took ahold of it. Rachel held out her hand.
Quinn stared at Rachel's offered hand. Then she took it.
They walked back into Santana's house together.
The ending of Glee felt a bit anticlimactic, though I was happy to see Dianna and the end number moved me. Otherwise it felt rushed and the fact that they focused on the original five, Will and Sue was frustrating when they had other dynamic characters they needed to talk about.
And sorry to anyone who hoped Quinn would talk to Rachel about what's going on at her house in this conversation! Quinn is very shut down and closed off, but I assure you things are still in motion.