Quinn was dancing with Finn Hudson.
Rachel's ex, Finn Hudson.
Did Quinn like Finn? Did Quinn come to the dance to be with Finn?
Why was Rachel so stupid?
Rachel stared until Quinn saw her and looked at her with such a mystified look that Rachel turned and vanished back into the crowd. Somehow, Rachel had convinced herself that Quinn knew, that Quinn knew how Rachel felt about her, and that's why Quinn had agreed to the dance, had agreed to go dress shopping. Oh, Rachel hadn't thought that consciously. But subconsciously, Rachel had convinced herself that Quinn knew and was okay with it.
That Quinn might like her too.
It went against EVERYTHING that Rachel had decided, it went against Rachel's plans, her respect for Quinn, her quest to help Quinn. And she'd still done it! Stupid, stupid, stupid.
And now Quinn Fabray was dancing with Finn Hudson and Rachel had made that happen.
This was all her fault.
Logically, Rachel knew that Quinn probably didn't like Finn. Finn wasn't Quinn's type as far as Rachel could tell. Heck, no one was Quinn's type. Quinn was all walls and barriers, not interested in anyone or anything. But that was Rachel's ex that she was dancing with. No matter whether Quinn liked him or not, that stung more than Rachel had expected.
"Rach, wait up!"
She turned to face Santana and Brittany, who must have seen her and given chase when Rachel had fled. Rachel wasn't crying, she refused to cry, but her vision was blurry and she knew that she was very close. How utterly horrifying.
"Rachel, calm down."
"I'm calm!" Rachel said shrilly, then put a hand to her mouth in embarrassment. "I mean- I'm calm. I am."
"She doesn't like him." Brittany put a hand on Rachel's shoulder. Rachel sighed. She had desperately wanted to keep people from knowing her feelings about Quinn, but of course Brittany knew. Brittany knew everything. And, judging from the look on Santana's face, Santana knew, too. That was at least a new development. Rachel was pretty sure Santana hadn't known for long, probably only a week or so. If she had known before their big fallout, there was have been more awkwardness because Santana definitely would have tried to shut Rachel's feelings down fast.
Other than these two? Well, Puck had guessed pretty early and announced it to the whole glee club that one time, but Rachel was almost positive that the club had thought it was a joke. And Kurt… Kurt knew. So much for Rachel trying to be stealth.
"If Quinn likes Finn, that's her business. And I'd love for her to have more friends," Rachel said, though the tone of her voice betrayed her actual feelings.
"Girl, Jesus Christ." Santana let out a groan. She ran a hand over her face. "I so did not want to have to have this fucking conversation." She cast a pleading look at Brittany, as if Britt could solve everything.
"She doesn't like Finn," Brittany repeated firmly.
"And god, Rach, why would you even like her in the first place!" Santana finally blurted out. It had clearly been the first thing she'd wanted to say.
"Santana, that's not going to help."
"It's the stupidest thing I've ever heard of! No one should like Quinn Fabray romantically and expect THAT to go well!" Santana continued, ignoring her girlfriend. "She's a complete basket case and will guarantee your lady bits get frostbite!"
"Santana!" Brittany said sharply.
Santana glanced at Brittany in surprise and looked properly cowed. "…she's just not the kind of person who romance would work with. Not how she is."
"You don't think I know she's not going to be interested?" Rachel demanded. "You don't think I know that Quinn doesn't want to touch anybody with a ten foot pole? I called her pretty once and she kicked me out of her house!"
"Wait, say what now?"
"Nevermind that. I didn't want to have feelings for her, Santana. You have to believe me. I can't help it. I love-" Rachel stopped herself and Santana froze, her eyes going huge. Brittany's lips pressed in a grim line, her blue eyes intense. "…being around her."
"Rachel, you need to abandon ship. Right. The fuck. Now." Santana said.
"It's complicated, San. More complicated than that," Brittany said. Both Rachel and Santana looked at Brittany, who was still giving Rachel that same intense look. "It's been more complicated than that for a real long time, longer than this year even."
"What? What do you mean?" Rachel shook her head. She hadn't been friends with Quinn for longer than this year. And her only interaction with Quinn from before had been that first week of freshman year, when Quinn had decided Rachel was persona non grata.
"It's like boys pulling pigtails, only they shouldn't do that because that's wrong and people shouldn't be all "oh, so cute, he has a crush"," Brittany said.
"What?"
"What are you talking about, B?" Santana asked, shaking her head.
Brittany sighed and shook her head. "You guys aren't getting it, and I don't wanna say because that's not something I should tell without permission. I don't know what's gonna happen, and it could go all wrong, but Rachel can't just stop liking Quinn, Santana. It's not gonna be that simple because nothing's ever that simple when it comes to hearts. Could you just stop liking me?"
"That's not the same thing!" Santana snapped. "I love you, B. And we were friends even before that and I never tried to assassinate your social standing or ditched my friends or did anything completely bonkers like Quinn does. Quinn's my friend, she's been my friend forever and I'll fucking fight anybody for her, but she's never been completely-" Santana stopped, grinding her teeth as she tried to figure out how to say what she wanted to. She pointed to her head. "There. You know? Like, pieces are missin'. I'm not saying she's crazy, I'm just saying… things are turned off or something."
"Santana, that's a horrible thing to say!" Rachel said angrily, her own hurt and uncertainty vanishing for the moment.
"But it's TRUE," Santana said. "I love Q. But something's wrong with her."
"Nothing's wrong with her! Don't say such awful things!" Rachel yelled. People around them started to turn their way, hearing them over the pulsating music.
"Rachel! Don't you ever look into her eyes and- and not see her? Like she's totally checked out? She goes so deep in her head sometimes, I don't even know- hey!"
Santana stumbled back as Rachel shoved Santana, hard.
Rachel didn't ever resort to physical violence, but she'd been so mad- she'd been so mad at the things Santana was saying. So what if Quinn sometimes seemed far away? So what if sometimes she even seemed to be a completely different person? That cold, distant Quinn. Seeming inhuman, seeming like nothing and no one on earth could touch her? That wasn't her! That wasn't Quinn. It was some sort of defense mechanism in her, that switched on because sometimes Quinn needed to escape somewhere, or needed to be someone else. It didn't make her any less loveable. It didn't make her any less the Quinn that Rachel had fallen for. And Santana acting like somehow that made Quinn crazy? That was just wrong.
Quinn wasn't crazy. Quinn was sad, she was lonely, she was scared. She was hurting in a way that Rachel couldn't understand. Insinuating that she was crazy was just cruel.
Brittany hadn't tried to stop Rachel when Rachel had shoved Santana, but now Brittany got between the two girls, hands out and on Santana and Rachel's chests to keep them apart. Santana looked angry, but more than angry she looked hurt by Rachel's actions. Rachel couldn't bring herself to care.
"Santana," Brittany said, not looking at her girlfriend as she spoke. "That was mean. You should take it back."
"But-"
"No, I'm talking now," Brittany said, her voice like stone. Santana stopped talking, looking even more hurt now. Brittany's eyes were locked on Rachel. "Rachel. Santana is wrong, but she's also not completely wrong. What I mean is that liking Quinn is good, but it's going to be hard. Super duper hard. Like… more hard than anything you've done, I think? I don't know. I can't really put it into words." Rachel listened, trying to absorb what Brittany was saying and trying not to glare at Santana.
Brittany smiled then, a little sad, a little hopeful. "But it's also gonna be easy, liking Quinn. Isn't it? Cuz liking someone is just about the easiest and the hardest thing anybody can do anyway. It's just that Quinn's gonna have way more hoops to jump through, or doors to open, or…" Brittany stopped talking, her brow wrinkled with concentration. "…If any of this happens, you're gonna have to hold Quinn's hand and not let go. Unless she asks you to let go because we don't force people to hold hands, do we?"
Rachel was trying to follow what Brittany was saying, but a lot of it was Brittany-speak, and it felt like there were entire chunks of dialogue that Brittany had just forgotten to say. That was a problem with Brittany. She knew so much and thought it would be simple for others to understand it, too, but it rarely was. After sorting through some of her thoughts Rachel said, "If any of this happens? Quinn doesn't like me, Brittany."
"I think it would be much easier if she didn't," Brittany said. Brittany finally turned to her girlfriend, the look on her face livid. "Santana Lopez, you take back that stuff you said about Quinn right now or I'm not going to kiss you the rest of this dance."
"Britt Britt-"
"Don't you Britt Britt me," Brittany said loftily, her chin raised and her eyes bright with anger. "It was really, really mean. Quinn can't help how she is. She'd want to be different if she could be, too."
"I'm sorry, okay? She can just be so hard to be around sometimes."
"And you're the poster child for being easy to be around?" Brittany asked. Santana flinched. "I'm sorry, that was mean, too. But you gotta think about what you say and how you say it sometimes. I'm not saying you should stop being you, S, but some people don't need the running commentary on the things that are wrong or different about them."
Santana bowed her head. "I do love Quinn. You know I do."
"I know," Brittany said, putting a hand on Santana's head. "You can get kisses now, but half as many as you would have because you're still a little in trouble."
"I would still not give her kisses," Rachel grumbled, glaring at Santana.
"Well, that's not your decision, R," Brittany said. "Now you two need some time apart from one another because you're both angry and hurt and you're gonna keep turning it on each other if you don't get space. I'm gonna go with Santana, Rachel, because that's what I do, but please don't think that means I am siding with her or anything like that. You should go be with Kurt and Mercedes til it's time to sing. We'll come find you later, okay?"
Rachel nodded. She wished that Brittany would stay with her and send Santana off to time-out, but she also understood why Brittany was going to go with Santana. If Quinn was awful and said things like that to Santana, Rachel would have gone with Quinn. Not because Quinn was right, but because even if Quinn was wrong Rachel would follow her to the ends of the earth.
A flaw in the hearts of humans, maybe.
Rachel went to go find Kurt.
.
Quinn and Finn's danced ended and Quinn stepped back from him immediately, giving him a smile to let him know that she wasn't trying to insult him, they were just definitely, 100% done with their dancing. Finn gave her a dorky salute, getting the message, and he wandered back toward Sam.
"Damn, Fabray. Were you always such a heartbreaker?"
Quinn resisted the urge to roll her eyes to the ceiling as she turned to face Puck, who had come up behind her and was giving her an annoying smirk. "What are you even talking about?"
"The number you just did on Rachel."
Quinn's eyes narrowed, her face steely with a lethal anger. "I said, what are you even talking about?"
"Oh don't you dare pretend to be so oblivious," Puck snapped, the smirk dropping off his face. "Rachel is head over heels for you and you just danced with her ex boyfriend in front of the whole school."
Quinn felt like the floor dropped out from under her. What did Puck just say? "Rachel? Rachel is- is not-"
"Oh, don't give me that bullshit, Quinn. You know. You gotta know by now. Rachel thinks the sun shines out your ass. She follows you around like a puppy, she throws down with entire sections of the school for you, she does everything she can to be around you and not step on your toes so you don't go runnin' for the hills. You would have to be grade-A dumb not to know by now."
Quinn just kept shaking her head. No, no, fuck no. Puck had to be wrong. He just had to be. Rachel, like her? Quinn was a fucking nightmare! Rachel would know better, she had to know better than to like her.
"Rachel is smarter than that."
"Smart ain't got nothin' to do with it," Puck said. "You kiddin' me? Love is just about the dumbest thing that humans do."
Love. He'd said love. Why would he say that? Why the fuck would he say that?! Rachel didn't love her! That was insane!
"You don't know what you're talking about," Quinn bit out, her eyes turning cold. Puck blinked in surprise and actually had to take a step back as Quinn's natural intimidating nature kicked in, but then he scowled and squared his shoulders, refusing to back down.
"Hey, don't think you can scare me off from knowin' what I know. Rachel is my Jew sister, I'll always look out for her. And she's got it bad for you. That's just fact. I don't know why, hell you're crazier than a basket of coked up cats, but she thinks the world of you. She'd bend heaven and earth for you, and knowing my girl Rachel she'd succeed, because she can do whatever she sets her mind to. Maybe you're suited for one another, you're both crazy."
"Rachel isn't crazy," Quinn found herself defending Rachel, completely missing the point. After she circled back around to it she started shaking her head again, harder, more determined than ever to refute his claims.
Because if what he was saying was true, maybe Rachel was crazy.
"Quinn, whatever is goin' on between you two, you gotta face it. It's not gonna go away if you just blindly try to pretend it isn't happening. If you really don't want her to like you like that, if you don't like her like that, you have to tell her, or you'll be hurting her," Puck said firmly. "I like you, even if you are totally nuts, but I'm not gonna let you hurt Rachel. And once people start figuring out how she feels, no one else is gonna let you hurt her either."
If what Puck said was true… if it was true, Quinn had to fix it. She had to get Rachel to stop liking her, come to her senses. She didn't want to hurt Rachel. She never wanted to hurt Rachel.
Quinn knew she was like a disease. If Rachel started to like her, if she got too close for too long, she'd be infected. Quinn couldn't let that happen. She wouldn't. Rachel was too precious a person to infect. The idea of hurting Rachel with her presence made Quinn feel physically ill.
She had to find Rachel and set things right.
Quinn turned away from Puck and started heading in the direction she'd last seen Rachel. She'd been standing there, looking so hurt… god, had she hurt Rachel by dancing with Finn? How fucking stupid was she? She pushed through the crowd. The look on her face must have been something, because people practically jumped out of her way when they got a good look at her.
She had to fucking fix this.
Suddenly Santana and Brittany popped out of nowhere, blocking her path. The look on Santana's face was nothing short of furious. Brittany just looked serious.
"And where are you off to in such a goddamn rush?" Santana asked.
"I have to find Rachel."
"Oh no, oh no no no," Santana said. "You done a number on her, girlie, and with that look on your face I ain't letting you nowhere near Rach until I know what the fuck you think you're doing."
"It's none of your business, Santana," Quinn growled.
Santana's face darkened with anger and she started to say something back, but Brittany spoke over her.
"Quinn, what are you thinking up in your busy busy brain?"
Quinn turned to Brittany, who was watching her with a calculating look. "Like I said to Santana, it isn't any of your business."
"Only it is if you're gonna hurt Rachel, and it is if you're gonna hurt yourself," Brittany said. "You're the opposite of Santana. She doesn't think things through. You think too much, so much that your thoughts tie in knots and you follow along in the knots and get yourself all turned around."
"Don't do that, Britt. Don't start talking like you know what is going on when you don't. You never do," Quinn said sharply. She knew she was being cruel, but they were in her way, and Quinn had to save Rachel from herself.
"You fucking bitch, I'm gonna-"
"Oh, I know what's going on most of the time," Brittany said, ignoring her fuming girlfriend. "I know but I might not know in the same ways as other people. You know that's true, too, only you want us to get out of the way so you're being mean. Rachel is our best friend. And so are you. So stop and just listen."
Quinn leveled a glare at Brittany that should have melted her to her knees. Brittany just looked at her sadly. Quinn huffed in anger and snapped, "What do you want?"
"This is, like, a really important part of the story," Brittany said. "The story of you and Rachel. I think it could go either way, to be honest, and that comes down to you. Because you're the one who spins out. Rachel spins too, but she's pretty steady when it comes to you. So here's what I want you to hear, Quinn. Stop running the knots. Just stop, for a second, for one whole second, and see what happens. Okay? That's all I'm asking."
"Okay," Quinn said quickly. "Are we done here?"
Santana scoffed. "You aren't even listening to Britt at all, how do you expect us to just let you walk on?"
Brittany turned to her girlfriend and placed her arm around Santana's shoulders. Santana looked at her questioningly. "It's okay, S," Brittany said. "That's all we can do, and we'll see what happens."
Santana looked very much like she wanted to fight Brittany on that, but after a few seconds she turned to Quinn with a fierce glare. "You fuck this up chica and I'm coming for you. I'm coming for you so hard."
"Yeah, yeah," Quinn said, pushing past the two girls without a backwards glance. Finally. What a waste of her time.
She looked around desperately for Rachel, but a few minutes passed and she didn't see her. She started to panic, thinking maybe Rachel had gone home, had left the dance because of Quinn dancing with Finn, but then she saw a flash of pink as Rachel went into the school hallway through one of the gym doors. Feeling a rush of relief, Quinn followed her.
She could get this sorted out once and for all.
What if she had to stop being friends with Rachel to fix this? The thought nearly stopped Quinn in her tracks. The idea of losing Rachel… it hurt so badly. But she'd do it to protect Rachel. She'd done it before, and she'd do it again. That might mean losing Santana and Brittany again. That was even worse, the pain in her gut doubled. If that was what she had to do, she'd do it. She had to protect them. She had to fucking keep them from being ruined by her.
The hall had a smattering of other students in it, but no Rachel. Quinn worried she'd lost her and weighed her options. One end of the hall went outside, and she didn't think that Rachel would go that way. She went the opposite direction, farther into the school, and suddenly she was pretty sure she knew where she was going.
She was going where Rachel felt safest.
Glee club.
Quinn walked the halls and finally saw her. Rachel was in the hallway right outside the glee club room, leaning against the lockers and crying.
Rachel was crying.
Quinn forgot why she was coming after Rachel in the first place.
She walked up to Rachel and put a hand on Rachel's shoulder. Rachel looked up at her, tear marks down her cheeks, and she said, "Quinn." Just her name.
Quinn stopped thinking. She stopped, for an instant, running the knots in her head.
And that was enough.
Quinn captured Rachel's lips with her own, closing her eyes and letting go of every single thought, every scream of fear, every whisper of self-hatred, and she kissed Rachel. It was so natural it was like instinct, like every part of her had wanted to do this but her brain. Her lips, her arms, her chest, her heart, all of them as soon as her brain stopped working for just one second, they took over and threw themselves at Rachel, wanting to kiss her, wanting to touch her, wanting Rachel. And in that second they got what they wanted: bliss. Absolute bliss. It radiated through her entire body like a shockwave and made her want more made her reach out and pull Rachel away from the lockers so that she could wrap herself around Rachel.
Rachel didn't resist, not even in surprise. Her arms locked around Quinn in response and she kissed Quinn back.
Quinn didn't taste of lemons like Rachel had always assumed.
Quinn tasted like hope.
They stood there in the hallway, kissing passionately for what felt like an eternity, but as soon as Quinn pulled away it felt like it hadn't gone on near long enough, and Rachel tried to pull Quinn back.
Suddenly, Rachel's back hit the lockers. Quinn's hands slammed on either side of Rachel's body.
The kiss was rougher this time, and while it was still heavenly the change was jarring. Rachel couldn't lean back to look at Quinn, she could barely move. She didn't feel scared or in danger or anything. She just felt startled. Quinn bit at her lip and Rachel made a noise of surprise. Quinn leaned back, reacting to the noise on some level, and Rachel's heart stuttered.
Quinn's eyes were dark with something that Rachel couldn't quite name, and they were so hungry. Rachel knew that Quinn wasn't a danger to her, that Quinn would never hurt her, but in that moment Rachel wasn't sure what was going through Quinn's head, even more than usual. Quinn wouldn't hurt her, but… did she want to? Quinn's hand moved from where it had Rachel pinned and it hovered at the hem of Rachel's dress. Rachel looked at it questioningly.
"Quinn?"
The darkness left Quinn's eyes with a flicker, the light seeming to be switched on suddenly behind them, and Quinn's face twisted in confusion, then horror. She leapt back from Rachel violently, her whole body shaking. She moved so far away from Rachel that her own back was nearly at the lockers on the other side of the hallway. "Quinn, what-"
"I'm so sorry," Quinn said, her voice hoarse with tears. "I'm so so sorry, I never-"
"Sorry? What- I don't-"
Quinn tore out of there like the devil was on her heels.
As always, thank you so much for your patience. Your loyalty means the world to me. Summer was rough, and I just got a new job that is stressful to the max (but definitely fulfilling), and the fact that you guys wait it out for me is more than I could ask for. Much love.