You were there for me when I was falling apart
And I let you down, and left a mark on your heart
I'll never let go again, I'll never let go again
I'll never let go again
You've got healing hands
And I swear to God that I'm a better man
Conrad Sewell

Edward

The next day, Carlisle let Bella forgo the oxygen for most of the morning. A snowstorm had blown through, layering the forest in white and frosting the windows over. Bella and I said goodbye to the others as they left for their resumed classes in Seattle, and Esme and Carlisle went for a short hunt.

Bella was burrowed in her favourite armchair in front of the fireplace. She'd chosen a novel to read and I watched happily as her expression took on her tell-tale look of captivation—Bella was finding her footing. I made her breakfast and she was able to finish almost all of it.

"I need to show you something," she said later, retrieving a notebook that had been sitting on the desk in our bedroom since we'd moved her things from Charlie's house.

When she handed it to me, I read through it quickly, but then more slowly as I realised what it was. Bella had filled the pages with stories and musings about her earlier life, her family and her friends, our family; her goals, preferences, aversions. The pages about our relationship were the longest, written in a shaky hand that was unlike her normal script, and some of the ink was blotted with tears.

There were some missing anecdotes from her childhood or with her friends, things she'd told me over the years that had not been recounted here, something Bella forgot to add. But the things she had written about them were described in detail—precisely, rather than with any particular flair.

Words for someone who has lost themselves.

"I bought a ticket to Santiago," she said when I finished reading, turning the final small sheaf of pages to show me the booking papers tucked neatly inside. "I was about to leave but then we heard what Riley had done … and then Sue died and I couldn't leave them like that. I stayed to help with the funeral and was going to leave the week after."

She knew of Aro enough to not want to seek him out, choosing to travel into the unknown instead. These were the actions of someone who wanted this. Someone who was prepared to risk everything to get it. Someone who also wanted something specific—not just to be a vampire, but to have a coven; a family.

"Did you have this with you when you went to fight the newborns?"

She nodded. "In case the needle didn't work. In case I decided I wanted it that way."

"You were forced to kill people because of what I did," I whispered agonisingly.

"I would've done the same with or without you," she said, her eyes suddenly fierce. "You think for one moment I'd let you or your family face a newborn army without me? Even if I didn't know of my shield, I'd have gone. I'd have drawn them with blood. Just as I did."

That wouldn't have happened because I wouldn't have allowed that—would I? That had been Jasper's plan for James and I'd thwart it. Would it have worked? Perhaps if I'd stopped to consider fully, something else would've emerged, something that meant Bella had only a cut hand and not catastrophic trauma.

"I shouldn't have put you in that position."

Bella shook her head. "I wasn't made to do anything. I wanted to go."

"Is that what your nightmares are about?" I asked forlornly. No longer taking the morphine, Bella sometimes had nightmares, more than before I'd left. Perhaps most startling; she didn't talk during them anymore, only screamed.

"Not … really. Or … that's not all of it."

"Will you tell me?"

Bella's anguish was piercing and I wrapped my arms around her, trying to soothe us both.

"They're about you. About—you must promise me you won't ever do that again. No matter what happens to me."

"I cannot."

"Edward—"

"The pain is too great. I cannot promise such a thing."

"You've lived without me before." Her breath hitched. "You can do it again."

"That isn't possible. Not for me. Not now I know what it's like to have you with me."

Bella shook her head, tears sparkling in her eyes. "You didn't believe I felt the same?"

"It was better if you didn't," I said quietly. "It was easier to imagine you would've had a better life than anything I could give you."

"My life is nothing unless you're in it."

"I'm so sorry. I know you suffered without me. And I knew you would when I did it. I made you think no one loved you, that no one ever could. But I also never imagined your father leaving you. It was always you who made the choice to leave. That's what I was waiting for too. Your choice. And when it got too close … I made it for you and I never should've done that."

Nearly all her life, the people she loved had forced Bella into things she didn't want or like. I'd always held myself above that—I would never do that to her. Even to the point of refusing to change her, believing it wasn't something she truly wanted. And then I did force her. I'd never forgive myself for that.

"It was so easy for you to leave," Bella said sorrowfully. "All of you."

"By rote, not in practice. They all missed you. They all thought I'd done the wrong thing."

"They're not just here for you?"

"No. They love you very much. I was the one that made them leave."

"And they followed you."

"Because I didn't tell them I'd lied to you until it was too late. They wouldn't have done things like that if they'd known."

"I've always trusted you, Edward. With my life, my wellbeing. You never gave me any reason to doubt you."

"That's why you believed the lie so quickly," I observed sadly.

"But then you never came back, not when Laurent was there, or the werewolves. Or any of the times I was in the woods …" Bella trailed off, feeling the abrupt tension radiating out of me.

"What happened in the woods?"

"Nothing bad. I just … I was looking for Victoria and I wasn't always careful about it. Jumping out of trees and things, like I used to do with you. I did it more often as I got better with my shield." Bella sighed deeply when I didn't relax. "I didn't get hurt, it wasn't like that."

I had a terrible habit of underestimating Bella—her wants, her capacity. A reflection on my inability to relinquish my perception of right.

"I trust you, Edward," she repeated. "Do you trust me?"

There was only one answer to that. The answer that I'd been fighting for so long because saying yes felt like giving in to my deepest yearnings, and giving in to what I wanted felt like I was betraying her. But I had betray her, in so many ways, too many ways. And Bella—my perfect mate, my half and whole—had given me the answer.

"Yes."

Bella

I was not slow to trust them.

I'd thought I would be, but there was nothing. Not even the suggestion of it. Anger, yes. But everything else had dissolved as clear as winter rain.

Alice had bought me a new cell phone; trying to apologise and not appeased by my insistence that nothing was her fault. The cell became something I hated but couldn't put down. It was a lifeline I didn't need—Edward always knew where I was—but also did need because they wouldn't always. If I left the house by myself I would vanish, something I'd never had to contend with before. All those times I'd imagined that I'd be safe … and the Cullens hadn't even known.

It panicked Alice as well. All through my illness, she'd been watching Edward and Carlisle's every decision to follow the paths to see I would recover. Every time I stood up to move to another room or activity, she was there, reassuring herself, and then she'd return to what she'd been doing, and only went back to college with the others when I'd finished the antibiotics.

She was still watching Edward, occasionally responding to something he hadn't voiced yet. Jasper's touch softened her anxiety but not her thoughts. She was scared for Edward. They were all scared at how close they'd been to his death. Their self-preservation instincts were strong; suicide was not a reaction many had and the Cullens had been terrified. Each of them traded mournful thoughts with him; his responses were filled with love and affection but he was still as resolute with them as he'd been with me.

Esme and Carlisle were always home right now, in a way they hadn't been before.

Esme brushed her fingers over my shoulder whenever she passed me, checking my heartbeat, and had developed a habit of reading the ingredients of things in the kitchen to make sure I was eating food with enough calories. Her ear was constantly tuned to wherever Edward was, keeping him within her range.

Carlisle kept delaying his return to work. When I was startled awake by another nightmare, he was there, pushing his hands against my ribcage when my gasping tugged the fractures. It was my first night without the oxygen and it was a shock to the system—unable to breathe and Edward sinking lifelessly into murky water, flames around him …

When I had wheezed myself down from the aching, I sagged back into Edward's arms, needing to feel that he was there. Edward sat up with me in his lap and Carlisle clicked the bedside lamp on for me.

"It doesn't stop the nightmares," I told Carlisle, seeing he was going to give me the painkillers I'd left on the bathroom counter.

"No, but it'll help calm you."

I took them and Edward chafed his hands worriedly over my arms until they worked.

"What were you taking for the nightmares?" Carlisle asked.

"Rozerem. It only worked sometimes. For the hallucinations."

Edward's hands on my skin paused.

Carlisle frowned. "Are you still getting them?"

"No, I'm sleeping much better lately."

"And your appetite?"

"That's better too," I confirmed. "I feel hungry again."

Carlisle's posture altered, having gone somewhere and returned. He held up one of Alice's sewing pins. "May I? It's faster than a blood test."

I held out my hand, intrigued. "Do you do this with your patients at the hospital?"

He smiled, pricking my forefinger and gathering the bead of blood on the point of the pin. "Not anymore. Machine analysers are as good as I am now."

Carlisle's cold hands probed my side carefully, taking the pin out of his mouth after a moment. "No vitamin deficiencies; the supplement worked well. Your ribs will need a few more weeks though. The painkillers will help with your deep breathing. You didn't take them last night?"

"The ones I got from the hospital didn't work as well as these ones. I didn't realise they were a different type."

Carlisle pressed his lips together and I felt sorry for that other doctor; he was probably going to be on the receiving end of a swift reprimand.

"I bet no one would miss him if you ate him."

Carlisle chuckled. "OSHA would have my head."

"Will you go back soon? I know you miss it."

"In a few weeks, when your breathing stabilises."

"I don't like keeping you from it."

"You're my priority. My children always come first."

Both Edward and Carlisle registered the change in me. Edward kissed my shoulder and Carlisle took my hand, his expression grave.

"That wasn't us choosing Edward over you."

"That's what it felt like."

"I know. I have no defence other than to say we truly thought you'd be safer without us. What happened with James … that was the closest one of our human friends came to being killed by a vampire. Covens are usually more respectful of territories, even if they learn our inclinations. If we left the area there was less of a chance of vampires exploring it further; they sometimes think we're hiding something and become determined. And the werewolves, too, defend their land vociferously."

"You should've explained what you wanted to do."

"I didn't let them," Edward said before Carlisle could answer.

"You made a choice for us that you shouldn't have," Esme added quietly, also in the room. "I know that you're used to that; acting on our thoughts. But that was wrong of you. And if you have to lie to accomplish what you feel you need to do then it's not the right decision."

"No," Edward agreed quietly.

"The two of you are discussing the transformation. Bella, I need you to know that we all want you to join us," Esme said.

"And I need to know that you aren't doing it to alleviate our fears," Carlisle said to Edward. They were staring at each other, centuries of connection passing between them; Carlisle wanting only the absolute truth from his first son.

"I want it because Bella does," Edward avowed.

The next afternoon, Jasper and Emmett came and sat next to me on the couch. I'd been reading Oliver Twist but had lost myself in my thoughts. It almost unfathomable to realise I was back in my home, surrounded by everyone … when I looked back on what my life had been just a few weeks ago …

Jasper touched his fingers to mine; their flickers of love, repentance, and satisfaction settling across. He and Emmett were glad to see I was getting better, happy that they were back with me.

"Thank you," I whispered. "I'm glad to be back too."

"Edward suffered the whole time he was away from you," Emmett observed, shaking his head. "He always has, even before."

Edward couldn't wrap his head around how much I loved him back. To him, it was inconceivable; he'd always believed himself unworthy of that kind of love.

"The strength it took him to stay away as long as he did … mates don't function like that. Edward's very tenacious, it's one of his best qualities … until it isn't," Jasper said.

"Nothing he did was done maliciously."

"He kept us from you," Jasper reminded me.

"To spare our feelings."

"And because he knew it would weaken his resolve."

"I know he was trying to save me. He tried everything to give me the life he thought I wanted, even if it was one without him. I can't fault him for that."

Jasper touched my cheek, swathing me in profound, fathomless love and longing; the strongest projection he could manage with my shield.

Tears filled my eyes. "I already know how much he loves me."

"And how much he wants you to be a vampire. He kept it hidden deeply from himself before."

"He knows your thoughts, right?" I asked Emmett. "Yours and Esme's? He knows that you were happy to discover you were a vampire."

Emmett nodded. "He does, he had them before … but that's not a guarantee. Everyone is different. My life was unfinished. I wanted to stay, to do the hundreds of things I still wanted, that I'd almost lost. I didn't know anything about vampires other than Bram Stoker," he grinned briefly. "But I was happy about it, and I've since built the life I want, even with the pull of human blood."

"It's been ages since we've trained a newborn. Hope we remember everything," Jasper teased suddenly and was gratified when I smiled back.

Edward's eyes slowly darkened over the weeks that followed, refusing to leave my side to hunt. When I finally demanded he feed, he returned so quickly I wouldn't have guessed he'd left at all other than the fact his eyes were amber once more.

He shook the snow out of his hair before he came inside but hadn't bothered with shoes. Tiny dark spots appeared on his clothes, snowflakes melting now he was in the warm house. I shuffled the cards out of my Solitaire game and started dealing so we could play Piquet.

"You didn't even finish one round," he observed, taking a seat opposite me on the living room floor.

"You weren't gone long enough. Did a bear walk into the yard?"

He laughed for the first time since we'd been back. "Good guess. I went straight to a den I found last winter and got lucky."

We played quickly, joshing back and forth; winning one game each. Esme had made me lunch before she'd left for her day, supervising the new office block that she was doing for a charity that had finally broken ground, and I heated it up in the kitchen, needing to start moving around more now that I was feeling better.

"What's in that?"

I grinned at Edward, realising he was revitalising another game, and probably trying to get me interested in food again. I took a deep breath over the plate. "Thyme. Bay leaves. Pepper. Nutmeg."

"You're getting good."

"I'll have to start over, I bet. You never describe the scents the way I do. The blood ones."

"That part will be instinctual. We'll remind you of the words."

"What will it be like in the beginning?"

"It'll be tumultuous, especially since your memories will be prompted all the time. You'll feel out of sorts for a while."

"And the bloodlust?"

I was worried that taking human life wouldn't be objectionable to me when I became a vampire because I'd committed murder as a human. But I drew comfort from Edward and Jasper's stories. They'd been in battles when they were human too, and they still found the life they wanted.

"That part will be hard," Edward agreed. "We'll stay away from them as long as you need."

"Was it gross? The first time you tried animal blood?"

"I was just glad I couldn't hear their thoughts. That's where most of my difficulties came from. Human thoughts were similar to Carlisle's and that unnerved me since I wanted to hunt them. I also had to contend with more layers of their fear in ways other vampires often don't. You won't have that kind of difficulty, thankfully."

The snowfall was worsening, white and shapeless, obscuring the mountain view that normally dominated the skyline out the wall of windows. Part of me wanted to be outside in the crisp air but knew that wouldn't help my recovery.

I inhaled deeply, feeling my lungs expand. "How much longer?"

"A week or two. They're almost clear again."

A week or two. February. I racked my brain and couldn't think of any meaningful events for Edward and I in February. March … spring. "What day did we go to beach together for the first time?"

Edward smiled gently and trailed his fingers over my jaw. "March twenty-fifth."

I wrapped my arms around his waist. "That's the date."