Married…. With a Useless Goddess and Gilbert Gottfried
Disclaimers I don't own KonoSuba, please support any to all official releases.
On a further statement, I normally wouldn't post a chapter like this since I already had something else planned as this breaks the pacing in the story, along with it being a bit on the silly side, but this is in dedication towards our favorite sarcastic wise cracking parrot, Gilbert Gottfried who happened to appear on one episode of marries with children, Rest in Peace Sir.
Against all odds, Kazuma and Aqua had managed to find a way to survive ship wreck along with their highschool friends, and 2 other red shirts on their little life raft.
Reason why they're now on a life raft you may ask, apparently a fat woman smelled the jerk chicken they had amidst a private party of all the hot scantily clad bikini modeled woman and men below deck, and decided to cut a hole in the ship using a blow torch.
"Hey Aqua, did I ever thank you for inviting me on this cruise" asked Kazuma dryly as he wore nothing but his Hawaiian shirt and white shorts.
"Gee Kazuma, you actually haven't" said Aqua as she was wearing her lacy blue night ware and robe as her hair looked like a pair of crappy tentacles.
"Then how about I thank you with a stake to the heart" Kazuma said as he never wanted to attend this cruise in the first place.
"Hey let's calm down everyone, there's no need to turn on each other, that's not gonna help our situation" said Ozu, "We're shipwrecked in the middle of the damn ocean, from god knows where we're at from the nearest land, so unless you want to volunteer as the first man we kill to sate our hunger, shut up and stay out of this" said Kazuma.
"Dibs on the thigh" said the first red shirt, who happened to be the same fat woman who caused the ship wreck in the first place.
"Listen here you cookie aisle of a woman, if you hadn't gnawed 20 inches of lead to get a whiff of jerk chicken, none of us will be in this mess, so if anyone is gonna get his thighs, it's gonna be me" threatened Vanessa.
"Thanks V" said Ozu as he could always rely on Vanessa to look out for him.
"I can't stand this anymore Aqua!" exclaimed Kazuma, "Kazuma, we're alive and on calm waters, and friends who can act level headed on our behalf, it's not that bad" said Aqua.
"It's not that, it's… Gilbert Gottfried" said Kazuma as the second red shirt was none other than said 15 minutes of fame comedian Gilbert Gottfried as he was amongst the castaway survivors.
"So I'm on a cruise, my agent says to me, go on a cruise, you don't have to follow Kevin Heart, you don't have to follow Ryan Reynolds, and you get to eat with the captain. So, am I eating with the captain, am I eating, am I even on a cruise anymore? Somebody get my agent!" said Gottfried.
"Somebody get my speargun" cried Kazuma, "Hey now, I think he's funny" chuckled Brodie as Ami found the man to be amusing as well.
"Make it 3 spearguns" said Kazuma as everyone turned to look at him with great concern.
"Ok, ignoring your sudden jeers, we obviously need someone to lead us and take charge. Now who knows the most about the sea" asked Ozu, "Jason Momoa" said Gottfried.
"Ok, Gilbert is disqualified" said Kazuma bluntly, "Aqua, don't you know anything about the sea, cause you know you are…" asked Ami as they, sans the red shirts, knew of her identity as a goddess.
"Not really know, since believe it or there's a huge difference between being a god or goddess of water than that of being one with the sea" said Aqua.
"Guess it's up to me than to save the damn day" Kazuma said with an annoyed look on his face, "And exactly what do you know about the sea" asked Vanessa.
"I know 2 things, and they are as followed, whatever you flush winds up here, and secondly I have watched every episode of SpongeBob to date" said Kazuma.
"How do you find the time" asked Aqua as she was rather unimpressed, "I stopped having sex with you" stated Kazuma.
"Alright than, Kazuma you're our captain" said Brodie, "Ok, so what now captain" asked the fat woman.
"First order as captain is to have my marriage with this useless goddess to be null and voided" said Kazuma as Aqua was definitely less than amused her husband would use his place in power to try get out of his marriage with her.
"And secondly we should head for land" said Kazuma, "And exactly where is land from here" asked Ami.
"If memory serves correctly, the sun came from there, meaning if we keep drifting towards this direction, we should be able to towards land" said Kazuma.
"Heading west isn't exactly the best of plans, but it's better than nothing" said Vanessa, "That's the spirit, now start rowing" ordered Kazuma as no felt motivated to actually make an effort to row towards their survival.
"Hey, here's an idea, how about a quick interlude of comedy to brighten our moods" said Gottfried with a smile as Kazuma began to frown.
"I Hope you guys can here my voice over all the rumbling of my stomach, hey is this thing on" said Gottfried as he slapped the life raft.
"Right before we went down, I took a bunch of serving trays as props" said Gottfried as he lifted 2 large circular orange trays.
"Ah, much better than taking food" said Kazuma as he began to tie himself a lynching rope, "Why couldn't Gallagher be the entertainer, at least then we could have had watermelon" said the fat woman.
"Like we'd get any" said Kazuma as everyone mumbled in agreement.
"Anyway, here's Mickey Mouse on acid" said Gottfried as he lifted the trays to look like the giant of the world.
"Ah, I'm freaking out, somebody help me. I'm having a bad trip" screamed Gottfried as the only ones who were amused were Brodie and Ami as everyone was indifferent as Kazuma continued to make his noose.
"A little person, putting a dime in the pay phone" said Gottfried as he now lifted one tray and looked like he was having a hard time inserting it in the slot.
"Clark Gable. Vincent van Gogh" said Gottfried as he lifted both trays, before dropping one to look like a crude impression as the people he was trying to mimic.
With his noose already made, Kazuma slid it down his head and pulled it tight around his neck, before handing the full rope to Aqua.
"Pass it on Aqua, make sure you guys get it done right with one quick tug the first time around" said Kazuma as he was ready to kill himself at this point in order to end his seaside suffering.
KonoSuba
Having long since caring, all the men, sans Gottfried, were standing and pissing off the life raft into the ocean as everyone paid them no mind till they finished and sat back down.
"It's been 24 hours, I'm starving" whined Vanessa, "Hey Kazuma, why aren't you hungry" asked Brodie, "Because I got a natural suppressant. 25 years of marriage" said Kazuma.
"Yes and since he stopped brushing, he could always mine his teeth for food" added Aqua as Kazuma has long since ignored her jabs.
"Well I'm starting to get hungry" said the fat woman, "Big surprise" Kazuma said unironically.
"Some captain you are. If you're not gonna go down with the ship, at least do something" said Aqua.
"Well excuse me, miss we-never-do-anything-together, we're dying together are you happy now Aqua" said Kazuma angrily.
"Well don't look at me to cheer anybody up anymore. You bent my props" said Gottfried as he lifted the 2 trays Kazuma had destroyed shortly after he learned no one was going to grant him a quick painless death.
"For all I care we can continue on this snooze cruise ship without any for of entertainment" said Gottfried as Kazuma smiled knowing he can take so solace in knowing that he shut the comedian up.
"Way to go Kazuma, you've gone and upset the entertainment" said Brodie before everyone's stomach roared in hunger in unison.
"Great, we're out at see surrounded with fish, but we got no hook, no rod, no bait" said Kazuma before he looked around at everyone that was with him to fill in the bait category as his eyes stopped when he eyed Gottfried who looked away innocently.
"Like I said, no hook, no rod" said Kazuma, "Here's an idea, how about you take this paddle, and go ape on all the little fishy's that are swimming around us" said Ami.
"But what are we suppose to do about cooking it" asked Aqua, "Why even bother, they're gonna get smaller" said the fat woman.
"Oh all right, hand that over and wish me luck" said Kazuma as he edged himself near the end of the life raft as he listed the paddle over his head.
"Well what are you waiting for honey" asked Aqua, "A big blue one" said Kazuma before he spotted the fish of his liking and whacked it into pink mist and thin red paste.
"Hey, where the hell did my fish go" asked Kazuma as his blue fish had definitely turned red, "Where else do you think dead fish go to Kazuma" asked Vanessa, "The Red Lobster" said Gottfried.
"No, they sink at the bottom of the ocean" said Vanessa as her normally narcoleptic brother was suddenly wide awake.
"Hey guys, I'm no fish expert, but if there was anything I learned during my time in the Malaysian Island being hunted down by a pirate who looked like Michael Mando, it's that there was only one thing to worry about when out in the open sea" said Brodie as the group saw a shark fin popping out the water.
"Go on Captain, hit the shark so we can enjoy some shark fin soup" said the fat woman as Kazuma looked at her with unamused eyes.
"Unless thou blubber butt wishes to hop in the ocean, and make our sea predator lethargic by you high cholesterol ridden hide, I suggest you shut up, before I have you walk the plank" said Kazuma.
"Besides we'll be agitating that shark at best with the equipment we've got on board" said Kazuma, "Well what about this" asked Aqua as she had pointed the barrel of their flare gun at her husbands head.
"Aqua put that down, that there is a flare gun, we need it to signal any sea man that are within our distance so they can rescue us" said Kazuma, "And risk having them see my hair" said a horrified Aqua before tossing the flare gun out of the raft as it suck to the bottom of the ocean floor.
"Well there goes our only chance to get saved from this ship wreck" said Ami, "Hey guys, maybe we should all worry and focus on our shark situation and worry about our rescue situation later" said Ozu.
"Jesus Christ I can't believe I'm saying this. Hey Gil, be a pal and start doing some impressions to ward off the sharks" said Kazuma as the Comedian did not hold back.
KonoSuba
After hours of impressions, Kazuma and company were free from their shark friends as they continued to drift away at night.
"Kazuma, I'm hungry, and cold" said Aqua, "Get in line sister, we're all feeling the same way" said Kazuma as he looked up to the moon.
"We're gonna die here, I just know it" said Ami, "Yup" said Brodie, "Yeah" said Vanessa, "Sigh" said Ozu.
"Alright guys as your captain, I think that it's only fair that one of us should take a chance and venture out at sea and look for help, do I got any volunteers" asked Kazuma as no one raised their hand.
"Alright than, let's draw straws" said Kazuma, "Does anyone got straws" asked Vanessa, "I do" said the fat woman, surprising no one.
"Alright, even though I know the outcome, whoever draws the shortest straw gets off the boat and start swimming for help" said Kazuma as everyone got their straws and saw that out of all of them, Kazuma got the shortest one.
"Aqua, when the time comes for you to see your dad, tell him he can go to hell and get his ear bit off by Mike Tyson" said Kazuma as he began to stretch for his long swim to shore.
"Kazuma, I want you to know that I think that you doing this is very brave, and very admiring, and even though I don't say it as often as I used to I want you to know that I love-" said Aqua as she was cut off at the end when her husband hopped in the ocean and splashed her.
"There goes a brave man" said Ozu, "No worries Aqua, I'm sure Kazuma will be safe out there, I just know it" said Vanessa.
"Let's hope he'll come back soon with a ship ready to rescue us all from this capsized hell" said Ami before a beam of light shined on them.
"Excuse us, but we're all Japanese council men and members of the senate, who were out at sea trying to enjoy our vacation paid by the taxes of the people, and were wondering if you needed help or booze" said a man on the ship.
"Oh my god we're saved" said Vanessa, "Yes, we're all gonna make it out alive" said Ozu, "Yeah, but… wait what about Kazuma" asked Aqua as he was far from site to know where he had swam off too.
KonoSuba
It has been roughly 3 days since Kazuma had swam off to get some help, and Aqua has admittedly been worried sick about him since he's yet to surface.
"Well I don't know what to do anymore Vanessa, it's the middle of the week and the coast guard has yet to find his body. Suppose he doesn't make it and now I'm here all alone" said Aqua as she was very sad of the situation before the front door was kicked open with Kazuma still wet like a dog his shirt half torn and missing one of sandals.
"I'm gonna call you back" said Aqua as she dropped her phone as she was ready to embrace her husband, but stopped when Kazuma puts his hands up.
"Don't touch me right now babe, I'm partially sun burnt after washing up on shore" said Kazuma as he made his way towards their living room couch.
"What happened, how did you survive" asked Aqua, "Well as it turns out, sharks aren't necessarily man eaters, as I know that first hand when a pack of them lead by a clown fish had rescued me from being raped by a pack of horny dolphins" said Kazuma.
"From there we swam through a mine field, took a detour towards Monterey Bay, and finally they lead me close enough towards the nearest beach where I finally washed up and got to rest" said Kazuma.
"Well I'm glad you're back home to me Kazuma" said Aqua, "Then promise me something Aqua, from now on you will never, and I mean never enter towards those subscription prizes they offered in those magazines you read" said Kazuma.
"Ok Kazuma, I promise you, I won't enter any of those subscription prizes" said Aqua, "Good, now get me a beer, I'm gonna do something I haven't done since we left home" said Kazuma as he stuck his hands down his pants at long last, before he heard a knocking on the door.
"Who the hell can that be" jeered Kazuma as he got up to answer the door to see that it was none other than Gilbert Gottfried with a smile on his face and holding a big check.
"Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. Satou, you both won 12,000,000 yen and a free cruise ship around the Malaysian Islands" said the man forgetting he met Kazuma out at sea during their trip around the Hawaiian Islands.
Annoyed, Kazuma slammed the door on the man's face before taking his spot back on the couch.
"Who was it honey" asked Aqua, "It was nothing dear, just a lost macaw trying to find his way back to Agrabah" said Kazuma as Aqua handed him his beer, before kissing him on the cheek where Kazuma could resume watching tv with his hands down his pants.
And there you guys have it, gee really miss Gilbert Gottfried, granted I don't think he was gonna be in anymore Aladdin projects any time soon, but still he made me laugh.
Anyways guys, I really hope you like this chapter, in spite of how out of place it was since, I did say I plan to only make chapters like this way later on in the future when Kazuma and Aqua are older and officially married with children, but hey what can I say, I like to pay tribute.
Until next time, be safe, be good people, and please support your fandom communities.
This has been your Humble Narrator and official author Tobi Yaza. =3