Married… With a Useless Goddess 9
Disclaimers I don't own KonoSuba, please support any to all official release, and thank you guys more for being patient about the next update.
Summer time came at long last and against all odds, Aqua managed to pass her finals, but just barely mind you.
And while plans of using Grandpa Satou's beach house was a canceled summer break plan, that didn't deter Kazuma or Aqua from making the most out of their break, even if it meant working full time again.
"Madam, I assure you this is a size 7" grunted Kazuma as he was attempting to put a shoe on another fat woman, but both had given up after the 12th attempt.
"I don't know how or why, I guess my foot must have expanded from all that jumping" said the fat woman as she was wearing the classic 80's style aerobics outfit.
"Yeah, and I take it you also landed on your ass half a dozen times" said Kazuma with a sarcastic tone that he had perfected, "How dare you say that to my face!" yelled the woman.
"Well I'd say it behind your back, but I only got a quarter tank of gas left" said Kazuma as he saw another fat woman leaving the store feeling dissatisfied with him sporting a shit eating grin.
"Nice burn back there my mine" said Brodie as he fist bumped Kazuma, "I learned from the best" said Kazuma as he got approached by another fat woman this time.
"Excuse me sir, do you have these shoes in a different shade of blue" asked the woman as she was sporting the shoes she wanted from Kazuma.
"If you're referring to this season summer blue and white design, than I'm sorry, we sold out" said Kazuma, "That's a shame I like the design or feel, but I don't like the color, it just doesn't match my complexion" said the woman.
"Well here's what I can do, I'll strangle you until we reach the proper shade of blue that matches your complexion, and all you have to do is moo for me when you want me to stop" said Kazuma as the fat woman was left speechless by the insult.
"You will hear from my attorney" said the fat woman, "Will that be from the law offices of Baskin and Robin's" asked Kazuma with smirk as the woman left the shoe store.
"So tell me again, why is it you guys choose to work here, I mean I don't see the benefit" said Ozu as this was his second day on the job.
"By the end of the week Ozu, you understand that the only reason, any sane man would willingly choose to stay here and work at shoe store that offers no benefits, slightly above minimum wage, and none brand name shoes is simple, relishing in the moment upon punishing any to every fat woman who dared set foot in this store or any shoe store for that matter" said Kazuma.
"Now, if you don't mind Shamu over there looks like she needs a mate, and it sure as hell ain't gonna be me" said Kazuma as Ozu went to deal with the woman as Kazuma felt content he was helping to raise another man.
Later
Sitting down and watching TV with their grandfather, was Aqua as she and Grandpa Satou were drinking beer and watching the Walking Dead in peace, until Kazuma finally came in to greet his family.
"Oh how I wish it was open season year round on water buffalos here in Japan" said Kazuma, "Hey Kazuma, how was work today" asked Aqua with a hiccup.
"I'm glad you asked, a fat woman came into the shoe store today, she was so fat, that you can find anything from chips to a TV remote in all that back fat she was carrying" began Kazuma.
"So after trying out at least 10 pairs of shoes, she decides to finally check out and so I asked her, 'would you like to bag it, or store underneath all that fat'. Now I don't know when they started letting woman carry riot batons, but as she lunges for me, she ends up crashing through into the Men's Warehouse next door like the Kool-Aid Man" continued Kazuma as he went and grabbed a beer from the fridge.
"And because of her little stunt, both stores are closed for repairs, with the salt on the wound being how I won't be paid during this time. Seriously give me a reason to finally give up" said Kazuma as he sat down on the couch with his hand being tucked inside his pants.
"Oh poor baby, maybe a little kissy from your wifey will make you feel better" said Aqua as she puckered up her lips and was ready to kiss Kazuma herself.
"Aqua, your breath smells like a brewery" said Kazuma trying to back away from his wife, but she wouldn't let him and began to kiss him on the lips and accidentally burp in his mouth.
"Oh god, why!" exclaimed Kazuma in disgust as Aqua was giggling over the matter.
"If it's worth any consolation boyo, you're grandma did the same thing to me, except I ended accidentally throwing up in her mouth" said Grandpa Satou with a hearty laugh.
"Well I'm off to bed, remember boyo, tomorrow is your big day" said Grandpa Satou, "I haven't forgotten. Good night grandpa" said Kazuma, "Night grandpa" said Aqua in a drunken slur as the old man staggered into his bedroom.
"Hey Kazuma, now that grandpa went to bed, how about we full around, right here in the living room" asked Aqua with a lustful smile.
"Can I at least get shit faced drunk first like you" asked Kazuma, "Fine, but in return I'm going to pepper you with kisses" said Aqua as she did so as Kazuma continued to drink his beer.
About 2 beers later, Kazuma was buzzed and Aqua finally passed out, leaving it up to Kazuma to have to carry her into their bedroom, before he himself decided to turn in, since his grandpa did said tomorrow was his big day.
The Next Day
It was half an hour till noon did Kazuma and everyone in the Satou household got up since today Kazuma originally had off, regardless of him being out of work for the time being, and today he was tasked by his grandfather to prove himself being a man.
Granted when you look up the definition what it means to be a man, it could either refer to you as man being either the last evolved form of a homo sapien, or to be a man means you're willing to take responsibility for not only your action, but the action of your family, or simply be a provider to a household.
Today was going to almost ignore everything that was mentioned above for something fun the family was going to do today, and that was having an outdoor barbecue cook out.
"All right my boyo, I'm gonna go and buy the things you requested, cause todays barbecue outcome will heavily depend on you, and if it all turns out well, you'll officially be a man" said Grandpa Satou.
"I know grandpa, now get going before all the good meat gets sold out" said Kazuma, "Roger that boyo, for you are in charge today" said Grandpa Satou before he got on the ATV road into town, leaving Kazuma to kick back and relax in his cargo shorts, and his LINKIN PARK t-shirt as he sat on a lawn chair and put his sunglasses on.
"Ah, this I can get used to" said Kazuma out loud as he rested his arms behind his arms to fit the whole summer boy look.
"Hey Aqua, hurry up and bring that picnic table and chairs out, this barbecue isn't complete without some picnic tables and chairs" yelled Kazuma as coming from behind the corner of the house was Aqua carrying the large rectangular picnic table herself as it was made of wood and metal.
"A little help would be nice" stated Aqua as she somehow managed to carry the shole table herself, "Aqua, you know grandpa put me in charge today, so my word is law" said Kazuma calmly.
"You're mad with power" said Aqua, "Less bitching, more furniture moving" said Kazuma as he dismissed Aqua with a wave.
Finally coming back with both wooden picnic tables Aqua, who was tired from carrying everything herself stood over his husband triumphantly.
"There, it's all set up, anything else you royal majesty" Aqua said sarcastically, "Yeah, you got to clean up all the left over bird duty that was left behind since that last time we used it" said Kazuma.
"Oh, such cheek coming from my manly husband" said Aqua as she was getting more upset with Kazuma by the minute, who merely pointed at the bucket and sponge next to the water hose.
"You know you could at least give me a hand here Kazuma" whined Aqua, "Aqua, I'm in charge today remember, besides I'm conserving my energy for not only the barbecue, but also for when we have sex later on tonight" said Kazuma.
"Sex tonight! Kazuma, I'm still hung over from last night, and that's on top of me feeling dizzy and fatigue from all the work you're making me do. In fact I'd go as far and say I felt like I've finally had sex with you, but it somehow turned out bad for the first time around" complained Aqua.
"Complain all you want, but be working as well" said Kazuma as Aqua pouted and proceeded to scrub down the table.
"Here I am, a goddess, reduced to marrying a shut in NEET husband, having to work herself to the bone, with all this moving, scrubbing, and washing" whined Aqua as she swayed her hips as she cleaned, giving Kazuma fresh dirty thoughts, especially since she chose to wear a white summer dress that clung onto her body and her casual strapped sandals as she began to lift her leg up to scrub a tough spot, giving him a great view of her ass being put to work.
"My back aches, my arm aches, you know I can die from this" whined Aqua as Kazuma couldn't wait as he got up from his chair and tapped his wife on the shoulder, as she angrily turned around.
"All right, what dirty little job you want me to do now" asked Aqua almost ironically as the lustful look on her husband said it all.
"Oh no. I'm so tired!" cried Aqua as Kazuma pinned her down on the picnic table where they proceeded to have sex for the first time today.
After their session, Aqua looked more like a mess as her dress was a mess and her hair had odd strands here and there as she went back to work cleaning the picnic table.
"I hate you Kazuma! I really, really hate you!" exclaimed Aqua as Kazuma was back to lounging in his chair watching his wife hard at work again.
"You know, a gentlemen would have said 'thanks for the good time babe, let me clean that bird doody while you rest'. Not you Kazuma, you are a misogynistic pig" stated Aqua as she continued to clean.
"Scrub harder" said Kazuma as he was once more tempted after looking at his wife's ass since honestly it's probably the best ass in the history of mankind since ever.
"Oh it's still not coming off" whined Aqua as Kazuma had enough and chose to attack her again, "Somebody help me".
"Well don't just stand there, do something!" said Aqua towards her husband as Kazuma tapped her on the shoulder once more as Aqua came to realize came to bite her in the ass again, quite literally mind you.
Turning her head around with her eyes wide in horror, stood Kazuma with a lecherous grin as he began to pull on his wife hips back inside the house.
"No! No! I'm so tired! No! No~" cried Aqua as her pleas for help fell on deaf ears as Kazuma brought her closer to have sex with her once more on the picnic table.
Time Skip
Lying on the picnic table, her dress more wrinkled than it was before, her hair a little more frazzled, and her panties definitely missing, lied Aqua exhausted and dehydrated after having sex out in the sun again.
"Water…" groaned Aqua as if she forgot her status as a water goddess, "You~, You're running out of time" sang Kazuma as he finally stepped outside the house fully refreshed with a root beer in hand.
"Water" croaked Aqua, "Not now Aqua, grandpa will be back any minute now, so I gotta suit up, oh and hey whatever you do, don't clean the grill" said Kazuma.
"It's filthy Kazuma, don't you want me to lick it clean so we can have sex out in the open again like a couple of animals" asked Aqua sarcastically.
"No, I heard that barbecuing on a dirty grill with old grease and ashes enhances the flavor, so I could use the advantage in proving grandpa I'm a man, but hey you can clean that spot where your hair got cut when we had sex just now" said Kazuma as he went back inside the house.
Angry, Aqua begrudgingly got up and went back to cleaning the picnic table, hopefully without being sexually assaulted by her husband again.
"I hate these man trials, I hate barbecues" said Aqua with a pout before she finally got the job done and was ready to go back inside and put her cleaning equipment today, but ended up knocking over the family barbecue grill over spilling all of the ashes.
"Oh no! He's gonna kill me!" exclaimed Aqua as she desperately looked for anything to burn that'll create ashes and chose to randomly burn up all of Grandpa Satou's pack of cigarettes he had left behind.
Speaking of the old man came back and was perplexed to see what his granddaughter was doing.
"What in Sam Hell are you doing" asked Grandpa Satou, "Grandpa, please you got to help me, Kazuma is going to kill me for knocking over the ashes as he was planning to use them for his barbecue" said Aqua.
"All right my dear, I'll try to figure something out, in the mean time take this, grandpa will be back in a jiffy" said Grandpa Satou before riding off again.
Flustered and overworked, Aqua just stood there while looking at the sky hoping the other gods took pity and finally forgave her.
"I can't stand this anymore!" exclaimed Aqua, "I can" said Kazuma as this sent a chill down Aqua's spine as she slowly turned her head to see her husband practically naked at the doorway, oblivious towards the spilled ashes or the groceries their grandfather had brought.
"Come to daddy" cooed Kazuma as Aqua quietly cried and accepted this fate over Kazuma berating her for ruining the barbecue.
Time Skip
Aqua had no idea how long her or Kazuma were going at it, much less Grandpa being gone to retrieve some ashes.
Regardless she finally exited the house her hair completely frizzled the right strap of her dress drooped over her right shoulder, and she was missing a sandal as her make-up was a mess.
"I hate barbecues" stated Aqua as she slowly left the house with her dignity barely intact, just as Grandpa Satou had returned.
"Sorry I took so long my dear, it wasn't easy to get ashes when everyone is out of town" said Grandpa Satou as he poured the bag of ashes into the barbecue.
"Thanks grandpa" said Aqua as she slumped her way onto the picnic table, "So where's my grandson" asked Grandpa Satou.
"Getting dressed" said Aqua as Grandpa Satou was oblivious to the double meaning to that statement.
"Don't wait up, cause I'm here" said Kazuma as he was fully clothed, now wearing a novelty apron that read 'Real Men Cook', a backwards baseball cap, and oven mitt and a repurposed tool belt containing charcoal fluid, tongs, and a flipper.
"Let's rock" said Kazuma as he wasted no time in seasoning, grilling, and preparing the long awaited barbecue as the family sat together to see the long awaited determination Kazuma had been preparing to finally prove his grandfather as he took the first bight of his grandsons burger.
"Listen to me carefully boyo, cause I'm going to say this once" said Grandpa Satou as he placed the burger down with a serious attitude.
"You should be proud of yourself today and consider yourself a man" said Grandpa Satou as Kazuma began to fist pump.
"Was there any doubt" said Kazuma smugly, "All right, now once we're done I expect you to clean all this up after the hard work you had me and your wife do today" said Grandpa Satou.
"What!?" exclaimed Kazuma as this brought much joy to Aqua, "Hey a real man doesn't sit on his ass all day, he also finishes up any to every mess his family may have left him" said Grandpa Satou as Kazuma accepted the terms and words of wisdom his grandfather said.
About halfway through their eating, Grandpa looked at his grandkids with caring eyes as if he was going to miss this.
"Grandpa you alright" asked Aqua, "Yeah, I'm fine I… actually I have a confession that I must share with you both" said Grandpa Satou.
"You see kids, there's no easy way saying this and frankly speaking I've been holding this off long enough but the truth is… grandpa has lung cancer" said Grandpa Satou as the words really hit Kazuma and Aqua.
"But… how, you quit a long time ago and just picked it up yesterday" asked Kazuma, "I know, but apparently by the time I chose to quit, it was too late, it was slowly progressing all these years, and well it just caught up on me" said Grandpa Satou with a winter.
"There's gotta be something we can do" said Aqua as she could try to heal Grandpa Satou, however it wouldn't cure him, just prolong his life just a little longer.
"I know this is upsetting, but I came to terms with it, now if you kids want to do something for not only me, but for god and country, continue going to school or work, and make something with your lives, and don't do the same mistakes as I or your father did Kazuma, I know you're meant to be a better man than either he or eye" said Grandpa Satou as Kazuma couldn't take it as he ran inside the house leaving Aqua and his grandfather alone.
Storming into his bedroom, Kazuma had shut himself in as he threw himself onto the ground and proceeded to cry, over the thought of him losing his grandfather any day at any time now.
Truth is he needed his grandfather, not only to help get his life back to better and being a man, but because he's the only family member he has that he can rely on.
"Kazuma" came the voice of Aqua, "Go Away" said Kazuma as he refused to acknowledge her.
Undeterred, Aqua approached Kazuma and got him to slowly to acknowledge her as he continued to cry away over the sorrow he was feeling.
"There, there, everything will be alright" said Aqua, "How can it be all right, my grandfather just told me he had cancer, and that there's nothing we can do about it" said Kazuma.
"Not true, I think the best thing we can do is do as he says, go to school, go to work, and do something with our lives" said Aqua.
"How, how do you expect me to do anything, I need my grandpa to help make me into a man that I'm clearly not" said Kazuma as he continued to cry.
"Now that's not true, you're more than man enough, you chose to take responsibility of your own life, without your father support, you've proven to be a hard worker, and need I remind you how you had sex with me more than 3 times today" said Aqua.
"But there's more I need to learn from him, how can I expect to continue growing without him, he was the reason that pushed me into becoming the man I am today" said Kazuma.
"Than I'll help push you to become an even greater man, need I remind you I married you to make sure you became a successful man in life or did you forget, cause I haven't I won't ever give up on you" said Aqua as she began to wipe Kazuma's tears away before kissing him on the lips.
"I love you Satou Kazuma, and as your wife it is my duty to stand by your side, for better or worse, and see to it that you can become a man, even if you have no male figure to rely on, cause that is my committed sacred duty upon taking our vows together" said Aqua.
"Now quit your crying, you're upsetting grandpa more than he shows, more so you're an ugly crier" said Aqua as he got her husband to chuckle.
"Thanks Aqua, I needed to hear that" said Kazuma as he began to clean himself up before finally going outside to join his grandfather and spend as much time he's allowed to have.
So yeah, I think some of you guys may have saw this coming as this was building up for a while, but…
Honestly I can't talk about death without getting personal, as this month is a bit tough on me as it is with a lot of people as the mentioning of Kazuma wearing his LINKIN PARK t may have been subtly been hinting at, but also that feeling, that emotional pressure when you suddenly know that a relative or friend who has nothing but unconditional love for you is dying, like there's not words to describe it.
I don't want to make this anymore personal than I want to, because… the heavy feeling inside it hurts, as you're powerless to do anything, you can't be by their side towards the great beyond, and you're suddenly left with the weight of the world on your shoulders with the expectancy of either being greater than the person they were or be as great as the person they remind you of.
I think that's all I want to share, so until next time, be safe, be good people, and please support your local fandom communities.
This has been your Humble Narrator and official author Tobi Yaza. =3