Married… With a Useless Goddess 16
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Another day at the Satou household, another day of family bonding as Kazuma sat around the kitchen table.
"Alright guys, I've got only 3 eggs and half a bag of M&M's, ooh, and a blueberry flavored Jolly Rancher. I can make you guys an omelet if you like" said Aqua.
"No thanks Aqua, my stomach is still upset from last nights dinner" said Kazuma, "Really? Nice" said Aqua happily as she got out of making breakfast for her family.
"So I take it you're not hungry either Naofumi" asked Aqua, "I'm still full having to eat my dinner 4 times last night mom" said Naofumi.
"Aqua, I know this is a bit of an oxymoron for me to ask you this, but what possessed you to purchase a whole chicken with 8 wings, and being partially alive" asked Kazuma as everyone was suffering from a tummy ache of some kind.
"I just thought they were being nice to me and threw in some extra wings on top" said Aqua, "Well here's a reminder Aqua, chickens only have 2 wings, with their necks cut off, and having a plucked body of feather, not a shaved body of hair" said Kazuma.
"Well excuse me for trying to feed a family of for on a budget, the normal chicken was roughly over 1,000 yen by the pound, while the chicken I got was only 135 yen by the pound" said Aqua.
"Not that I don't mind you being cost effective, but there should be a limit and baseline from buying cheap or discount products, especially if it's coming from Chernobyl farms" said Kazuma.
"Well at least you acknowledge me being cost effective for more important things, which speaking of, I need about 7,780 Yen to play the lottery" said Aqua.
"Let me think about it once I sit on my throne. Speaking of, where the hell is Naruto, last time I check she's still my little girl, what reason could she have to be locked up in the bathroom for this long" demanded Kazuma.
"Speak of the devil" said Aqua, "About time" said Kazuma, "Hold up dad, I've got dibs after Naruto" said Naofumi as he got up and brushed past his sister.
"Well now that we still got time to chat things out properly. Oh come on Kazuma, I really need the money, I've already got my system figured out, and I know for sure I can win the jackpot of 3.47 billion yen" said Aqua.
"Leave daddy alone mom, he works hard for his money" said Naruto as she began to mimic her mothers tactic to cuddle up to her father.
"Daddy, can I have 15,000 yen, me and my friends are starting to get into airsoft and there's this gas powered assault rifle I'd really like to get" said Naruto, "Marry your own wallet. Besides mommy and daddy were having a very intimate conversation about momma making some money" said Aqua.
"Well since there's no easy to say this, my answer to both of your requests is no" said Kazuma.
"Bathrooms all yours dad" said Naofumi as he came back down the stairs, "Bout damn time for the man who works the most, who suffers the most, gets to finally enjoy the fruits of his labor" said Kazuma.
"Heads up, toilets backed up" said Naofumi, "What the hell son, I've got a chicken beak trying to peck his way out my ass over here" said Kazuma.
"Don't blame me, I'm not the one who was trying to flush Naruto's report cards down the bowl" said Naofumi as he enjoyed seeing his little sister squirm in place for being ratted out.
"Oh great Kazuma, Naruto is failing again" said Aqua, "I don't care about that, I've got to deal with the fact that I can't start my day with a good dump" jeered Kazuma.
"I mean what's wrong with using uncle Ozu's or uncle Brody's bathroom" asked Naruto, "I can't use Ozu's bathroom because his is nothing but a damn hole in the ground, as for Brody's I can't since the last time I used it, I heard Vanessa let out an ear piercing shriek followed by her threatening me at gun point to never use their bathroom again" explained Kazuma.
"Well I suggest you start hurrying your way to work, maybe you can have 20 minutes to yourself before the store opens" said Aqua, "Damn it, I need at least 45 minutes to get my day going" said Kazuma angrily as he finally drove off to work at long last.
Later that night
"Family I'm home" said Kazuma in a happy tone, "Hey Kazuma, how was work today" asked Aqua as she was finishing the last bonbon as she was watching 'Die Hard 7: Die Harder than you can Ever Die Hard before, by Dying Hard On'.
"You know, fat woman, wallowing in my misery, eating packets of mayo I boosted from the McRonalds, but none of that matter compared to what I have bought" said Kazuma.
"My lottery ticket" Aqua said excitingly, "Guess again my little couch hippo, in fact- kids get down here front and center!" shouted Kazuma as his kids came rushing down the stairs.
"What's up dad" asked Naofumi, "Family, I want you all to see my new found pride and joy that'll solve my problems from now on" said Kazuma as he stepped back outside and proceeded to push in a large crate that was on a dolly.
"You see kids, long ago when I was kid and would regularly visit grandpa and grandma was alive at the time, I took a short road trip with the old man while my parents stayed home taking care of my sick brother" explained Kazuma.
"He drove me to a run down mall on the border leading to Akihabara, where he refused to pull over to let me use the restroom, because he told me where we were going was pretty much worth it" said Kazuma as he began to undo and unveil his crate.
"He took me to a toilet store, specifically one that specialized in selling nothing but American toilets, which I know I should take my pride as a Japanese man or settle for a European Bidet toilet combo, but the thing was that upon sitting my ass down and flushing that handle for the first time made me realize, that the toilets of today and around the world are truly inferior and pathetic to the power of an American toilet" said Kazuma as he finally revealed the toilet he bought.
"So you went and bought yourself an all white porcelain American toilet" Aqua asked in disbelief since she thought she was the stupid one with bad spending habits.
"Not just any ordinary American toilet Aqua, a Ferguson toilet, the sound it make when you finally flush it down truly makes you feel like a man, since most toilets have a habit of choking on you before you can finish dropping a heavy load. A Ferguson is a type of toilet that says 'step up to the plate and make it a double'" said Kazuma as he looked at his new bowl with pride.
"And the best part of it all is that fact that it's mine so don't even bother using it if you know what's good for you" warned Kazuma.
"It's nice and all dad, but where are you gonna put it and more importantly isn't this a heavy investment based on your payroll" pointed out Naofumi.
"It's going in the garage, and I'll personally be the one to install it" said Kazuma with a determined smile as his family clung together in fear.
"Mommy, I'm scared" stated Naruto, "As we all are, as we all" said Aqua as they could do nothing but let Kazuma open pandora's box in their beloved house.
2 weeks later
According to the instruction manual Kazuma had 'accidentally' torn while reading it, it said a child could do this by themselves in 3 weeks.
Which meant Aqua and the kids had to deal with Kazuma using up all the power in the house for another week, before Aqua finds a more competent child to step forward and take over.
"Mom, how much longer until dad is done" asked Naruto as she and Aqua were sitting on the couch, in the dark, and huddled underneath a few blankets.
"Just 1 more week, and then we can get that smart kid in your class to give it a look himself" explained Aqua.
"Mom, is this how I'm suppose to live my life, living in a huge house in the dark with not heat, power, or wi-fi" asked Naruto, "Well since you're old enough to know the truth, yes" Aqua said bluntly.
"Why me" asked Naruto as she buried her face in her hands, "Oh cheer up Naruto, in a few years you'll be marrying some nice young and rich man enjoying the life of luxury that humans think of themselves when they want to be a king or god in this life, not knowing how great I had it before, while I'll be stuck having to take care of this incompetent and cheapskate ape I call my husband" said Aqua.
"I'm back guys, all our phones, tablets, and chargers are at full battery" said Naofumi as he had a black eye, a cut on his lip, and a bruise below his neck.
"What happened to you" asked Naruto, "Well we're pretty much band from every coffee shop and internet café thanks to mom and dad, so I had to turn to the last person who I know had power to spare, even if it costed me to receive an ass kicking" said Naofumi.
"You turned to the bitch for help" asked Naruto in disbelief, "Be nice Naruto, Malty isn't a bitch, she's a sweet girl who comes from a rich family, so odds are her father is very protective of her" said Aqua.
"Give it a rest mom, Malty has been a bitch to me especially now that her parents finally went through that divorce" said Naofumi as he handed everyone back their smartphones.
"Now let's forget how I look and focus on what's the old man been up to" asked Naofumi as the power in the house suddenly went back on.
"Your father is finally taking a break" said Aqua as Kazuma came out the garage with his tool belt perfectly suspended around his waist.
"Chin up family, I'm practically halfway there, I should've been down by now, but I keep missing my tools and parts, but don't worry, soon I'll have everything set up for you and me to enjoy some quality time" said Kazuma as he walked up to his toilet to hug and kiss the darn thing.
"Now what does that toilet have that I don't" said Aqua, "A job" stated Kazuma as he began to walk towards his garage again.
"Huddle up kids, it's going to be a long night" said Aqua as everyone jack their earbuds in and proceeded to watch whatever video they wanted on social media.
Later that Night
As Kazuma was right to suspect about his supplies going missing, it was revealed that in truth Aqua was actually sneaking into the garage late at night and either grabbing supplies or tools to later on sell it at the local pawn shop.
"Put your hands up buster!" shouted Kazuma as he popped out from under a tarp he was hiding in.
"Aqua, why am I not surprise. Why did you do it" asked Kazuma, "Oh Kazuma, I really need the money to play the lottery. You see I get nothing while you live, where as if you were to die I'd get welfare" explained Aqua as she began to put down the toilet tile.
"If you really need the money that bad Aqua, then go on ahead and continue what you're doing" said Kazuma as Aqua didn't need to be told twice as she picked up the tile and industrial adhesive tube, but stopped when she heard Kazuma revved up his drill behind her.
"Did I forget to mention that you won't make it out the front door" said Kazuma as this was Aqua's only warning if she wanted to live.
"Come on Aqua let's sit down and talk things out" said Kazuma as they sat on a pile of 2x4.
"Come on Kazuma, you see you have this toilet, that you greatly care for in the same way I have the lottery, only difference is that mine is sensible and yours is pathetic" stated Aqua.
"You really want to play the lottery that bad, than fine, though all I ask is that for the next 2 weeks that if you're going to steal from anyone to make money, can you at least steal from the kids till I'm done with this project" said Kazuma.
"Oh Kazuma, how could I say no when you're begging me like this. Ok I'll only steal from the kids until you're done with this little project" said Aqua, "That's my girl" said Kazuma as they sealed their promise with a kiss.
2 Weeks Later
"…And those were the numbers on this months mega billion dollar lottery folks, and we're getting a call from our winner, a Mr. Juan Carlos. How does it feel Juan to be a winner within your first 10 days in the country" said the announcer on the TV as Aqua bitterly tore her lottery ticket to pieces.
"Damn lottery, I ain't get nothing but jack-squattery" jeered Aqua, "Well look at the Brightside mom, at least we can live like normal human beings again" said Naofumi.
"You know, the living room feels so much bigger now that daddy finished installing that Ferguson. Speaking of, where is daddy" asked Naruto.
"Your father is currently breaking in the Ferguson as we speak" said Aqua just as Kazuma was coming back in from the garage.
"How was the toilet Kazuma" asked Aqua, "I couldn't enjoy it Aqua, I'm constipated" said Kazuma.
"You want me to undercook you some chicken, I believe we still got a dolphin flipper and a leg with it's talons still on if you want any" asked Aqua.
"Thanks for the offer Aqua, but it's gonna take more than some raw chicken to get my guts running again" said Kazuma as he turned the TV to the next channel.
"Stay tune folks as we'll be playing 2 and Half men, Rent-a-Girlfriend, and episodes of Season 2 of the Walking Dead" said the announcer on the TV as hearing the shit they were about to play really upset Kazuma down to his core that he made a b-line for his toilet.
About 30 minutes later, a loud flush can be heard followed by the shopping plaza water fountain outside of Kazuma's job being suddenly drained.
"Now that's a man's flush" said Kazuma.
Here you guys go another chapter updated after last chapter, really hope you guys enjoy the progress I have been making so far, and if so please remember to fave, follow, and leave me your guys thoughts in the review section.
Until next time be safe, be good people, and please support your local fandom communities.
This has been your humble narrator and official author Tobi Yaza. =3