Married… With a Useless Goddess 17
I don't own KonoSuba, please support any to all official releases.
Today was the perfect day for the Satou family to enjoy some fun in the sun, as evident by how Kazuma, Aqua, Naofumi, and Naruto are all dressed up ready to enjoy the beach.
"This is probably one of your best impulsive ideas to date Kazuma" said Aqua, "Well what can I say, I see an episode of Modern Family of them taking a family photo on some random beach in Hawaii, I figured that I deserve a nice family photo with my family on the beach" said Kazuma as everyone began to unload their things off the car.
"All right family, this looks as good as any other spot" said Kazuma as neither he nor his family cared about dumping their things over a nicely built sand castle.
"Now let's get together for a family picture- hey, where the hell did the kids go" asked Kazuma, "No idea Kazuma" said Aqua.
"Damn it, I could've taken the photo and be on our way back home right now" said Kazuma, "Speaking of taking a photo, why not take one of me to remind you how sexy, young, and beautiful your wife was" said Aqua as she began to pose.
"You mean to tell me you're gonna get uglier in the future" asked Kazuma bluntly.
"Just take the photo already you milk dud" said Aqua angrily as she continued to pose as Kazuma raised his camera, only for him to get sight of a nice looking girl in a bikini, while Aqua got distracted by a certified beef cake, giving Kazuma the freedom to snapshot this young girls Heini for his own amusement.
"Did you get the picture yet Kazuma" asked Aqua, "Yup" said Kazuma as he tossed the camera aside and began to remove his green palm tree button up shirt as he began to flex, even though he barely had any muscles on his body.
"Hey! You're in my sun, and I'm trying to get an all over tan" complained a fat woman sitting next to Kazuma, "You're asking a lot from the sun now" said Kazuma as this got the woman so upset that she promptly left the beach in tears.
"Ok Kazuma, why don't you sit next to me and I can start adding the finishing touches here so we can finally enjoy the beach" said Aqua.
"All right then" said Kazuma, "Foot powder" said Aqua as she began to sprinkle white powder on Kazuma's foot.
"Deodorant" said Aqua as she pulled out a stick of D.O. and began to rub it under Kazuma's pits.
"Sun screen" said Aqua as she squirt some pink lotion on her fingers before rubbing the contents on Kazuma's nose.
"Mouth wash" said Aqua as she poured the green liquid contents into Kazuma's mouth as he quickly rinsed before spitting it out.
"Sunglasses and hat" said Aqua as she added on the last bit of beach wear accessories for her husband.
"And here's something for you to watch in order to kill the time" said Aqua as she pulled out her tablet and began to play Kazuma's favorite show 'So you think you have Boobs', starring Tobi Yaza as the host of the show.
"Thanks babe" said Kazuma as he was finally relaxed, "Your welcome honey, now think you can be a gentlemen and rub some lotion on the back of your wifey" asked Aqua.
"Come on Aqua, I'm just trying to have a good time here at the beach" said Kazuma as a young adult, and very beautiful woman knelt down to Kazuma.
"Excuse me sir, think you can rub some lotion on my back" asked the woman, "It would be my pleasure" said Kazuma with a goofy smile.
"I'm sorry, but my husband can't help you on account of him being blind" said Aqua as she pulled out her little pocket mirror from her bag and reflected the sun light into Kazuma's eyes, resulting in him screaming in pain.
"Oh wow, I made a blind guy drool for me, wait till I tell my friends about this" said the woman as she ran off from the married couple.
Elsewhere we see Naofumi and Naruto walking side by side ribbing on each other like most healthy siblings do.
"Please the chances of you getting a girl before we have to go back home are as likely to happen as dad getting paid at minimum wage exactly" said Naruto.
"Oh and you think the life guard is gonna let some 10 year old go ride the tall waves by herself" scoffed Naofumi.
"Ok smart guy, let's make a bet between which of us get's to achieve our beach goals before the day ends, loser gives the winner 500 yen" said Naruto, "Deal" said Naofumi as the 2 shook on it before going their own separate way as this was only the start of the beach chaos here for the Satou family.
KonoSuba
With Aqua being passed out from her sun bathing, Kazuma was left in peace for the most part before his line of sight was disturbed by 2 small children.
"Hey, beat it you little brats" scolded Kazuma, "Satou Kazuma, has it been a while" said the voice of a woman as she stood next to Kazuma wearing a white monokini, sunglasses, and sunhat.
"… I'm sorry have we met" asked a dumbfounded Kazuma, "We certainly have, though you wouldn't recognize me, miss plain Jane from gym class" said the woman as she removed her sunglasses and sunhat to that she had long blonde hair and lilac colored eyes.
"Ristarte, is that you" asked Kazuma as he remembered this girl with short brown hair and being a supportive goody 2 shoes, but she glowed up into a hottie on the same spectrum of Aqua, but don't tell her that.
"It is, and let me just say I am absolutely thrilled to be by your side again" said Ristarte as she sat next to Kazuma, "Pleasures all mine, and I can see you're doing well" said Kazuma as he began sizing her up.
"Well what can I say, I took a page from my rival and refused to let the fact I myself had 3 kids ruin my potential body image" said Ristarte, "Rival? Who" asked Kazuma naively.
"That blue haired wife of yours, you know the one who got progressively fat during our senior year. But enough about her, I want to talk more about you and me, screwing like rabbits in the changing room tent" said Ristarte as she began to bite down her lower lip.
"Gee Ristarte, I had no idea you felt that way about me" said Kazuma as he began to lightly blush, "What can I say, I always had a thing for you hot dilfs, and even though we aren't young, you are still quite dilfy in my book" said Ristarte.
"I'm very flattered, really, but… you see my wife is literally sleeping next to me" said Kazuma, "And my husband is over there, not paying attention to me, and playing ignorant that he's a sex symbol to all the woman at the beach, so come on, I can get the kids distracted on their tablets, and we can have the most wettest, hottest, kinkiest, nastiest, hardcore, sex right now in the shower stalls, to the back of my station wagon, and if you want, we can run away and become members of the mile high club during our trip to Mexico" said Ristarte.
Sensing how he had no idea that Kazuma, back in his prime, and a little today, had unknowingly mastered the art of thirst trapping, especially to a very sexy, sexual starved, and thirsty AF milf, left the man in a panic as he had no idea how to escape this while getting screwed in the ass.
"Wait hold on… holy shit it's our old gym teacher and with his fugly wife, sorry Kazuma, but momma has a g-dilf she'd like to taste" said Ristarte as she moved away from Kazuma with her kids, leaving the man with a great sense of relief as he let out a heavy sigh.
KONOSUBA
"Ugh, like I'd be caught dead being seen with a loser like you" said a teenage girl as she rejected Naofumi's advances, leaving the guy feeling dejected.
Walking his way around the beach, ready to hit on another girl, Naofumi got side track, by a little girl who was slightly younger than his sister as she wore a 2 piece white on purple polka dot swimsuit, and long purple hair kept in short hair drills as she had a sad look on her face.
"What's wrong kid" asked Naofumi, "My bucket broke" cried the little girl as the handles to her bucket were detached.
"No worries, I can fix it" said Naofumi as he knelt down and fixed her bucket within seconds, earning himself a kiss on the cheek.
"You're my boyfriend now" said the little girl as Naofumi didn't pay that much to her statement as a girl closer to his age approached him.
"Hey, I saw what you did there, that was sweet" said the new girl as she was ready to hit things off with Naofumi.
"Hey is this your little sister" said the new girl, "He doesn't like old hags like you" said the little girl as she splashed water to the new girl.
"You jerk" said the new girl as she went and slapped Naofumi across the face, leaving him confused.
"Hey, are you ok there, I saw what she did to you" said a different girl approaching Naofumi, ready to comfort him, only for Naofumi's little 'girlfriend' to splash her with water as well, resulting in the teenage boy getting smacked around again.
KonoSuba
Back with the Satou matriarch and patriarch, we see that Aqua was buried from the waist down in sand as she continued to sleep as Kazuma was lounging around and playing with his belly button, via squeezing the surrounding fat to make it either thin or thick.
"That was really sweet of you back there" said Aqua catching her husband off guard.
"You heard everything" asked Kazuma, "Of course I did, you know I can't sleep without my knee buried deep in your back honey, because if you so much as touched her, I would have sent you to the great beyond" said Aqua as she sat up and proceeded to wipe the sand off her legs.
"Huh, I did something chivalrous and yet the wife finds a reason to nag at me" said Kazuma in disbelief, "I'm not arguing, though if I did had a reason complain it be you not saying something heart breaking to the girl like how you're wife ruined you from all other woman" said Aqua.
"That's honestly stating facts at that point" said Kazuma with a smirk as Aqua proceeded to pout.
"All right, I'm gonna sit here for another 20 minutes and if the kids ain't back, let's go home without them" said Kazuma, "Agreed" said Aqua as she was down to ditch the kids on the beach.
Speaking of, Naofumi was building sand castles with his girlfriend as Naruto was getting scolded and having her surfboard getting confiscated at long last by the life guards.
"I give up. Hey listen, I need to go over there and talk to that girl" said Naofumi as he was pointing at his sister, leaving his girlfriend peeved with her hands on her hips and her head tilted.
"Relax it's my sister" explained Naofumi as he got up with his girlfriend in toe, "Can I come along" asked the girlfriend.
"Do I get a say in the matter" asked Naofumi, "No" said the girlfriend as Naofumi was not expecting such a rather blunt answer.
"It's like I'm married" Naofumi said out loud as he finally understood and sympathize with his father for a little bit.
"Hey Naruto, want to call off the bet, I don't think neither one of us is going to have any luck" said Naofumi, "Yeah. Hey who's your friend" asked Naruto, "He's my boyfriend" said the girlfriend.
Leaving the younger Satou starstruck in confusion, and because his family has a history of being sellouts, Naofumi stuck his hand out expecting his little sister to pay out.
Once they settled their affairs in order, the Satou siblings plus one finally joined back with their family.
"Hey dad, we're back" said Naofumi as he greeted his parents, "Hold on a second 1…2…3 kids!" exclaimed Kazuma, "How long was I out for" asked Aqua in disbelief.
"She's Naofumi's squeeze" explained Naruto as this shock their parents, I mean yeah it's cute to see a little girl having a crush on an older boy, but to see an older, just recently turned teenage boy to not only reciprocate those feelings does scream an equal amount of stranger danger.
"We're gonna have a little talk when we get back home young man, but not now cause I'd like to take a family photo now. Hey little girl if you could" said Naofumi as he handed his smartphone to her.
Once the family was in position, the girlfriend took a photo of the Satou family with only Kazuma being out of frame compared to the rest of his family.
"Thank you, we can go home now family" said Kazuma victoriously, "Naofumi, be a gentlemen and walk your girlfriend back to her parents" said Aqua.
Before Naofumi can say goodbye, it seemed that someone came looking for the young girl.
"Melty, I have been looking all over for you!" exclaimed the voice of a very shrill very familiar voice to the Satou family, especially to the kids.
"Malty? What are you doing here" asked Kazuma, "I'm here to enjoy the beach with my mom, and this brat" said Malty as she was easily recognize by her green eyes and long wavy garnet red hair.
"Hold on, who is she too you" asked Naofumi as he stood in front of Melty as he never did like Malty, as such he couldn't hand this little girl over.
"She's my half sister Melty, and for some reason my mom thought it be a good idea to come to this beach with that brat" explained Malty as this clearly was upsetting Melty.
"I'll tell her what, you can go be bitch off somewhere else, I'll walk her back to your mom" said Naofumi, "Fine whatever, walk the brat back to my mom so you can ogle her all you want you little pervert" said Malty in disgust as she got the last word for now.
"Any chance I've got time to put a sea cucumber down her bikini bottom" Naruto said angrily, "Another time pumpkin, Naofumi do as you mother says and be a gentlemen taking little Melty back, and uh take my camera and try to sneak a photo of Mirellia if she's in a bikini now would you" said Kazuma.
"Of course dad" said Naofumi as he began to walk Melty back with her mom before bidding them ado.
Finally catching up with his family back in the parking lot, Kazuma began to examine the photos and while Melty may have fumbled their family photo, Naofumi didn't in taking a picture of Mirellia.
As such they all drove back home singings 'Melty's Mom Has Got it Going On', sans Aqua as she find her husband antic's to be annoying to a degree, but needless to say the Satou family beach day was an overall success.
Hey everyone I know it's been a while, and that many of these chapters have been scripted rips off the show itself, but I swear I've got one more of these and then we'll go to original though provoking, modern family chapters.
Huh modern family, maybe I should write something like this in akin to Isekai Quartet X Modern Family, but nah it be hard to write for obvious reasons.
Otherwise summer is here again, so chances are I'll be writing more and finding inspiration as I continue to write again now that I've caught up with every game, every anime I've been meaning to watch for a while now, and then some.
So until next time, be safe, be good people, and please support your local fandom communities.
This has been your Humble Narrator and official author Tobi Yaza. =3