Disclaimer: Not mine
Thanks to lilykep for beta-reading.
Next Year's Girl
By Kylia
Chapter 13: To Hell With It
January 8th, 2001
Hyperion Hotel, Los Angeles
Distance, as it turned out, was overrated.
Xander vanishing back home to Sunnyhell for Christmas had done nothing to make Cordelia forget about the kiss. And despite her every effort and desire, it had done nothing to drive the thought of kissing him again out of her head.
She didn't think about him every second, thank any god that was out there and listening, but as far as Cordelia was concerned, even one second thinking about kissing Xander was too many seconds, and she had found herself doingmore than just thinking about kissing. Xander had risen to mind when she was... dealing with things in private.
Cordelia didn't get herself off more than a few times a week usually, all things being equal, and usually she kept to fairly safe fantasies of celebrities or something like that. But Xander had somehow managed to force himself into those fantasies a few times, and Cordelia wished she could say that alone had killed the mood, but it hadn't and that upset Cordelia even more.
I kinda sorta get why it's happening, I guess. She'd reflected on it more than once, her brain going in circles over and over to try and sort through what she was feeling. Xander was attractive. Faith had been sexy, Xander had Faith's body... so yeah, that was fine.
But it wasn't.
She didn't look at Xander and think of Faith anymore. Not as a first thought, anyway. She looked at him and thought Xander. Or Alex. And those moments of thinking of Xander... it was definitely Xander there, behind those brown eyes so startlingly similar to his old eyes. Definitely Xander there, kneeling between her legs, usually.
So yeah. That kept happening. Not all the time, but it happening at all was unacceptable, and yet, it happened. She couldn't stop it.
Almost worse was that she sometimes thought about him while he was gone in a non-sexual way. Cordelia didn't like to think about 'what ifs' of her life, because she had some doozies that would drive her mad (what if her dad hadn't cheated on his taxes for twelve years, what if she'd actually gotten somewhere as an actress, what if Doyle hadn't died and given her these visions), and yet...
Well, Xander-related what ifs had drifted into her thoughts during her most bored moments.
Things had not gotten better after Xander came back from his Christmas vacation. Cordelia had done her best to avoid him, and he was doing the same for her, so... that was good. They definitely needed some distance.
But they still worked together, and Xander still lived at the Hyperion - why did I think that was a good idea again!? - and so she couldn't avoid him all the time.
Cordelia shook her head violently and drummed a pen against the front desk.
"I think about Xander, and now I'm thinking about the fact that I'm thinking about him!" Cordelia muttered under her breath. She couldn't fucking escape him, and it was getting insane.
"I'm not-" Cordelia started, but cut herself off as she heard a door slam coming from the hallway. Knowing it had to be Xander coming out of his room, Cordelia very pointedly picked up a celebrity gossip magazine and started looking through it. The stupidity of the effort drove her to very quickly put the magazine down, and then she did a double-take when she got a look at the person walking into the lobby.
"Who are you?" Cordelia demanded, reaching below the counter for a vial of holy water. The green-haired girl wasn't standing in direct sunlight yet, so it was possible but then - Cordelia tensed.
"...Clarissa...?" The girl sounded confused at the question. She was maybe twenty five, twenty six, if Cordelia had to guess, her eyesore-bright, almost neon green hair went down to her shoulders, and it was messy and mussed, especially in the back, in a way that Cordelia had seen in the mirror the morning after... though not recently.
Cordelia felt her shoulders tense and she swallowed hard, though she wasn't quite sure why.
"Okay, and what are you doing here Clarissa? How did you get in? The front door was locked when I came in." Clarissa was still walking through the lobby, moving towards her slowly, and she passed into a direct beam of sunlight.
She relaxed her grip on the vial of holy water under the counter and moved it over to the unloaded crossbow next to it. Better to be safe than sorry, right?
Clarissa's mouth fell open, eyes wide in confusion. "What the hell are you - I'm just leaving, jeez, if I had realized the front desk at this building was so hostile, I'd have told Alex to come back to my place."
Cordelia stared at the woman for a long moment, hearing her pulse pounding in her ears and she felt light-headed for a moment, taking a quick breath. The pieces fell into place pretty quickly as she processed the words, but they - she - that -
How?
"You slept with Alex?!" Cordelia demanded, wincing mentally just a little as she realized she was raising her voice more than she needed to. A lot more, actually. She let go of the crossbow, moving her hand to rest by her side, balling it into a fist. Before Clarissa could say anything, Cordelia forced herself to take another breath and pasted a smile onto her face. "I'm sorry for the hostility. This isn't actually an apartment building or anything, it's a place of business. Alex lives on the premises though."
Cordelia was really only paying half-attention as she said that, the rest of her focus on the churning thoughts in her mind. Xander had sex? Xander? The guy with absolutely no game with women? With this chick? Cordelia could grant that the girl was attractive, in a slightly skanky sort of way, her tight leather pants and her low-cut, tight tube-top, the piercings not only on her ears - metallic studs - but also a nose ring, a lip piercing and what Cordelia was pretty sure was a tongue piercing in there.
A momentary flash of curiosity at how that piercing might feel had to be quickly clamped down on.
But how did Xander land her? And - he - wasn't he - he wasn't having sex at all, so -
He's doing what you should have done and gotten laid.
"Okay." The girl nodded slowly. "Yeah, I met Alex last night. You work with her?"
"To my eternal annoyance," Cordelia agreed. "Really, I'm sorry, you just surprised me." Cordelia didn't really feel sorry, but it was polite and necessary and being the front desk person for Angel Investigations had led her into this. "And I didn't really expect Alex to... I mean, she's not exactly good at, you know, flirting." Shut up shut up shut up! Why was she - why the hell did she care that Xander had gotten laid?
Well, apart from the fact that his lame ass is getting sex when I'm not!
Clarissa snorted, "No, she's really not. But she's hot and I was looking to get laid."
And she doesn't look like she's unsatisfied with it either. Which surprised her a little, since Xander hadn't had sex as a woman, so what did he know about it?
Though I suppose using your fingers and tongue are going to be the same whether you're a man or a woman... Cordelia closed her eyes and cleared her throat at that thought, trying to get away from it before she lingered on it.
"I guess that would work." Cordelia nodded. She picked up her magazine again, though she didn't start reading it, still watching Clarissa.
I mean, skanky outfit or not, all those piercings or not, I guess it makes sense. Xander's standards are unsurprisingly low, but then, he was probably desperate. He'd probably gone somewhere - she could think of a few gay bars in the city that someone dressed like Clarissa might frequent - looking to get laid for the same reason she should, which was to get that stupid idiotic should-not-have-been-so-goodkiss out of his system.
"Are we done with the interrogation then?" Clarissa asked, heading for the front door.
"Yes. I was just surprised. We've had intruders before." And if someone had or could sneak in, then that would pose a risk to Darla, and given how things were going for her, even Cordelia supposed the woman deserved to have her last few weeks in peace. She hated that she felt even a little bad for her, but seeing her all gross and dying like that... she looked pathetic, in a very pitiable sort of way.
"What is this place anyway? What's the job here? Lot of space and I'm not seeing anyone."
"Private Detective Agency," Cordelia said. She gestured to the business cards, "Angel Investigations. Our boss has a fondness for California Spanish architecture, and the building was cheap."
"A whole-ass hotel was cheap?" Clarissa scoffed.
"When the place gets shut down because too many murders and no one else wants to buy it, yeah," Cordelia shrugged. "Angel - the owner - likes his space and lives here too."
"Huh. I was wondering why the place seemed so empty." Clarissa shrugged. "Well, have a nice day, and try not to interrogate everyone Alex brings back home, hey?" She waved in a sarcastic, mocking sort of way and left, the door swinging closed behind her.
"Bitch." Cordelia grumbled under her breath. She looked back at her magazine, but she couldn't focus on the words, still stewing on the reality of what that girl represented. "How the hell is he having more sex than me? Really?!" She added, still speaking low. Of course, she hadn't actually gone anywhere lately that wasn't for work, or the auditions she was still trying to make, so that had to be a factor, but still. Cordelia could actually flirt! And she was prettier and a better dresser and -
"Gah!" She threw the magazine down on the desk, frustrated.
"Okay, so fine, Xander got laid," She told herself, "But so what? You just weren't even trying." And she wasted too much of her brain on Xander anyway.
And yet, the fact remained, she was annoyed with him over this. He'd just gone and invited someone back to the Hyperion for sex. They worked here! She could have worked for Wolfram and Hart, or been a vampire or a demon. The dumbass dated a former demon, so it wasn't exactly impossible.
Oh yes it is- Cordelia reminded herself, since Xander was a Slayer, but she ignored that! Buffy went and kissed Angel the first time around without realizing he was a vampire, so it was possible. And Xander had just... brought her in and everything!
"Of all the stupid idiot things he does... okay, so this one isn't that bad compared to some, but still!" Cordelia stood, starting to pace as she ranted about this more to herself. Rationally speaking, this shouldn't bother her like this, and yet, it did. And for good reason, but still!
Another few minutes of it, and she'd had enough. Xander needed a piece of her mind. Yes, she was trying to avoid him, but frankly, why? She wasn't actually interested in him, it had been a one time stupid thing and the rest of it was just that he was attractive and it had been a long time since she'd had sex. And she could fix that as soon as she actually put in the effort, which wouldn't be hard either!
Stalking over towards Xander's room, Cordelia threw the door open without knocking, flicking the lights on as the door hit the wall next to it. Xander was still lying in bed, the sheets tangled and messy on the bed, and they failed to cover much of him at all as he started to sit up, blinking and rubbing his eyes - her eyes raked over his chest, and his legs, both bare, exposed and infuriatingly easy on the eyes.
It was harder than she wanted to admit, but she ripped her eyes away from his body to look at his face.
"What the hell is wrong with you Xander!?" Cordelia demanded.
"Cordy!? What the-" Xander started as he turned to look at her, then realized the sheets had fallen around his waist and yelped, grabbing them and covering his chest again. "Are we back to not knocking?! What are you doing in here?!"
"Yelling at you, what does it look like?!" Cordelia snapped.
"For what?" Xander stood up, still holding the sheet to his chest, his other hand rubbing at his face. His hair had the same mussed up in the back quality as Clarissa's, putting to rest any possibility that Clarissa was lying, not that she'd expected that. If he was still sleeping like that when I came in, it must have been good.
Okay, Cordelia could admit it. She was jealous that Xander had had sex. And enjoyed it. Pathetic of her, but fine, there it was.
"What the hell did I do that pissed you off, Cordy? I've-"
"Been avoiding me, yes, I know. Thank god." Cordelia scoffed. He'd been doing it way more than she'd been doing it for him anyway, of course. Completely. "But the problem is you inviting random skanks back to the hotel! Letting them in!"
"Random-" Xander stared at her, eyes wide, brow furrowed, mouth agape. Then he looked past her, seeing the open door. "Sweet merciful Christ Cordelia, close the door behind you at least!" He gestured to the open door, and Cordelia rolled her eyes, grabbing the door and slamming it shut.
"Fine, it's closed, so answer my question!"
"What question?!" Xander now pressed both hands to the sheet covering his body. "Turn around at least so I can get dressed!"
Cordelia rolled her eyes, "Nothing I didn't see before."
"Not the point!" Xander shot back. He crouched down carefully, snatched something off the floor and turned around, opening the drawers, still covering his front with the sheet, but now that his back was facing her...
Once more, Cordelia looked Xander over, his shoulder blades, back, trailing down to his ass... it was only as she looked there and then lower that she realized she was licking her lips, and she balled her hands into fists.
I didn't come here to leer at Xander goddamnit! God, he had to ruin everything, didn't it?
"The question, Xander, is what the hell is wrong with you?" She demanded for the second time.
"You're going to have to be more specific, Cordy," Xander let the sheet drop, still facing away from her as he started to put on a bra. "Because last time I checked, as far as you were concerned, a lot is wrong with me."
Cordelia bit her lip and growled in frustration, which had nothing to do with the fact that Xander was facing away from her. She shifted position, squirming a bit as she stood, too agitated to stay still.
"What were you doing bringing that Clarissa girl back to the hotel?!"
Xander paused, midway through pulling a shirt on. "That - you - what?!" He finished pulling the shirt on and turned back to face her. "You're - you - you came in her, without knocking, woke me up and started yelling at me while I was naked because I brought a girl back here last night?!" Xander's cheeks were flushed now, and Cordelia looked away for a moment, biting her lip, frustration mounting in her.
"Yes!"
"...Why?" Xander demanded, making a face of utter bafflement, hands spread a little, open and partially facing upwards, mouth open as he struggled for words. "Why is that even-?"
"This isn't just a place where you live, Xander, this is the Headquarters for Angel Investigations! We keep the doors locked for a reason! You could have brought a vampire or a demon back here!"
"No, I couldn't have!" Xander snapped, turning around for a moment to grab a pair of underwear - dark red boyshorts - and bent over, pulling them up his legs, blushing more as he did, but apparently not willing to let her presence keep him from finishing getting dressed.
There's his spine. Always showing up late and at the worst times.
"I'm a Slayer. That doesn't just mean strength and speed and better hearing and an expiration date before I'm twenty five, Cordy. It means I can tell if someone is a demon or a vampire!" Xander pulled a shirt on as he went on. "And you know that as well as I do!"
"Buffy kissed Angel without noticing he was a vampire!" Cordy snapped, refusing to let Xander try to be logical about this.
"And I'm not Buffy! Cordelia, she walked out just fine in daylight, and I'm pretty sure if she was a demon I'd have noticed one way or another while we- while she was naked!"
"And what if she was a human working for Wolfram and Hart!?" Cordelia snapped. "You can't just take those kinds of risks!" She wanted to reach out and strangle him! God, if she could just get her hands on him... She started to stalk towards him.
His jeans in his hands, Xander stared at her, eyes wide. "Why - the - what could one person do?! Borrow one of Angel's books? We don't have a bunch of secrets lying around! God, Cordelia, since when are you this paranoid?"
"They could kill Darla, or inject her with vampire blood, or do something to Angel-" Cordelia started listing off. "Do I have to think of everything!? Oh, wait, I do, because you don't ever think of anything!"
Xander scoffed, "Really? Fucking hell, and Anya really tried to convince me -" he added that last part as a mutter.
"What the hell does your ex have to do with anything!?" Cordelia shook her head, shoving the ex-demon aside. She wasn't relevant. "Answer the question!"
"Angel is perfectly capable of defending himself from a human, and he's capable of defending Darla, and since do you give a shit about Darla's fate?" Xander snapped.
"She's only a few weeks to live at this point, I - it would suck if Wolfram and Hart won now," Cordelia shrugged. "And - Angel cared about her not getting turned, so, fine, whatever. Just - you can't just bring people back here!"
"Seriously, Cordelia, why are you so obsessed with this? Yes, I took a girl back here, yes, I - I had sex, but I live here, and last I checked, there was no rule against that! So why the - why the fuck do you care!?"
Cordelia let out a frustrated growl. Xander was - he wasn't getting it! He wasn't - he couldn't possibly -
Why the fuck do I care? Yes, fine, it sucks he's getting more sex than I am but -
She inhaled sharply, hands on her hips, glaring at Xander. At his stupidly pretty face, at his chest, his waist, his legs, back to his eyes -
Unbidden, that image that had featured in her... imaginings while she masturbated, of Xander, looking up while between her legs, looking at her-
Stop! Why - seriously, why in the name of all that is holy is this-
"Because - you - because-" Cordelia tried to find the words but there were no words. He just - he wasn't allowed! He wasn't allowed to just, "You're not allowed to - you - I mean, here you are having sex when I haven't had any in months! You! You can't flirt your way out of a paper bag!"
"Gee, Cordelia, tell me what you really think about me!" Xander crossed his arms in front of his chest. "I don't - it's not my fault you- Christ, Cordy, you're gorgeous, and you can flirt, so why don't you just go out and get laid if it matters to you that much!"
"I don't have the time to date!"
"I didn't go out on a date, I went to a gay bar... and-" Xander tried to equivocate for a long moment, and then, "I mean - I lucked into Clarissa approaching me, but still! You could just go get a hookup!"
And most of the guys I'd meet at the kind of places you go for that would probably be pretty gross! It wasn't that she hated men, she wasn't a lesbian, but she had to admit too many men in their 20s were the worst in L.A. Especially when it came to hookups. And as for looking for a girl-
She'd thought about it, even gotten close a few times since the last time she'd had sex but - she -
She stared at Xander, trying to find a response, Xander staring back at her, expecting an answer.
"Just - don't go bringing people back here, okay!?" Cordelia insisted. She ignored Xander's responde, turning and rushing out of the room.
Why - why does this - why am I so -
Wesley was coming into the lobby as she reached it.
"Cordy?" Wesley asked, putting a newspaper down on the counter, "What's-"
"I'm going home! I'll call if I get a vision!" Cordelia snapped. For a moment she thought about talking to Wesley, trying to work through the whole thing, but the idea of having this conversation with him - no. She liked Wesley, but the idea of having that conversation with him... no, no, definitely not.
Not when she didn't even -
Not when she didn't even know what was wrong in the first place!
January 8th, 2001
Cordelia's Apartment, Los Angeles
"I don't get it!" Cordelia ranted, pacing back and forth through her living room. She'd been subjecting poor Dennis to this for the last hour, and he was putting up with it, but she couldn't deny that it was annoying to her as well, the way she kept moving in circles.
"God, this is pointless!" Cordelia dropped down onto her couch, crossing her arms, glaring at the wall, as if trying to make it burst into flames with her mind, all Stephen King style. "It had to be - it has to be more than just Xander getting to have sex and I'm not. Especially since he's right! I'm right! I could find someone easier than he can!"
Dennis floated a glass and a bottle of wine over to her, pouring her a little. She accepted the glass, trying to ignore the little voice in her head - the sort of self-doubt she usually didn't have, saying 'bullshit'.
"Shut up!" Cordelia snapped at herself. "I could!"
Then why don't I? Sure, she was busy with Angel being tied down with protecting Darla, but things had slowed down since that - since that kiss with Xander, and since he'd gone to Sunnydale. She had had plenty of time to make even the slightest effort.
And I should have. I need to get Xander out of my system. That kiss was still messing with her head. That had to be, right? Some of Xander's idiocy had infected her or something.
She pinched the bridge of her nose. That was why Xander had gone out and gotten laid. At least that had to be part of it. So she could do the same!
As she thought that, Cordelia felt a fresh surge of anger at Xander, at that Clarissa girl. You know, I should be harder to get over than just picking up some skank at a bar anyway!
"Wait, what?!" Cordelia didn't even realize she was saying out loud as she had that thought. "I don't - that - he wouldn't be getting over me, we weren't - he - we-"
Cordelia cut herself off and let her mouth fall open as all the pieces dropped into place.
"No. No. I -"
Cordelia stared ahead, mouth moving wordlessly in what had to be a pretty good impression of a goldfish. It was like - it was like when you finally saw through the optical illusion, or looked at a picture of one thing and realized it was almost looking like something else and you just couldn't not see it ever again.
It was -
"My god, I am so...fucking pathetic." Cordelia slumped backwards, letting out a breath.
She -
It was obvious. And somehow she'd missed it. God, she'd rationalized away that kiss but - it was exactly like their first kiss. And they'd been living in each other's pockets for a month and there was that time she'd stared into his eyes way too long and -
"What the hell is wrong with me!? I - Dennis, how the hell can I have a crush on Xander again?!"
She should have seen this coming. Hell, she had seen it coming, she'd just - she'd just kept denying it. Pretending it wasn't a thing. Ignoring it. Hindsight really was 20/20 and she looked back on so many things, things she'd been doing since Xander had come back into her life just a few months ago.
How was it that fast?!
It didn't feel like a few months. And yet... it hadn't even been three.
"I mean, I know I fell for him once , but - how - why am I taking leave of my senses again?! How?" She looked around, as if expecting Dennis to do something to provide an answer, but it wasn't like her ghost knew what was going on her head and apparently her heart (and probably somewhere lower down too). Especially when she didn't understand it.
"I guess - I mean - there's all the things I fell for in the first place. Well, the things about him, rather than his body." And for all that Xander hadn't been of a kind with the sort of guys she'd dated before him, he'd had quite a bit to recommend himself physically.
He was funny. He was an idiot, and yet sometimes he could be the smartest person in the room, when everyone else was being an idiot. Or he could be the biggest idiot, but still. And he cared. He didn't take her shit, still. He was more than willing to put his life on the line for her, which Cordelia couldn't deny...
Well, she couldn't deny that had its appeal.
He was fiercely loyal. Had been before, the rather notable exception with Willow aside. But...
"He cheated on me once. I'm not - for god's sake, it's not like I can just ignore that!"
And yet.
And yet.
"I am so fucking pathetic," She repeated after another long minute or more staring at the wall. In the past, as she'd tried to find herself a nice rich meal ticket her first year in L.A., she'd repeatedly found herself asking if the useless guys she tried to date would have done anything against a vampire. In most cases, they'd have been useless. Hell, that one stockbroker had been.
More than once, she'd found herself comparing men to Xander. She'd always told herself how much Xander fell short, but there was one thing that Xander had had going for him. Substance. Sure, scratch a guy, there's just more surface, and that was remarkably true for Xander too, in a lot of ways, but there was more to his surface.
And of course, you know, Xander had the bravery to fight a vampire. Stupid, idiot bravery, but still. When the chips were down, Xander would be there. Probably would get himself killed one day, but -
Still, she'd moved on from the ghost of her relationship eventually, realized she was bi, started exploring her options... and still not landed anything long term. For all sorts of reasons, yes.
And then Xander shows up, the whole Faith debacle happened, and she thought about him more again.
Then he came back again, and despite her best efforts, she'd been unable to stop thinking about him, she'd gone to Caritas and then...
Well, there it was, wasn't it? Working together a few times turned into him moving into the hotel, and then there was that month they were in each other's pockets and -
"I mean, it's not like I'm in love with him again, but..." she trailed off, her attempt to mollify herself failing. Crushing was bad enough.
And yeah, all of his annoyingly redeeming features didn't change that he was an idiot, and a loser and - attractive. Really attractive.
And it had been a long time for Cordelia. And she wanted him. She wanted to kiss him again, and put her hands all over him and - she wanted him between her legs.
She squirmed a little, shifting in her position on the couch a bit.
Okay. Rephrase that. I really want him between my legs.
"If this was a rational world, I could just fuck him and get him out of my system, but look how that mentality worked with the kissing after that damn basement."
She stared at the wall again, biting her lip. "Any advice, Dennis?" She didn't expect much from the ghost, but...
The glass of wine she hadn't actually touched yet was nudged towards her on the coffee table more, and Cordelia looked at it. It was a good idea, Dennis was right about that. She picked up the wine.
"I mean, fine. I'm crushing on him. But what do I do with that?" This wasn't exactly a normal crush. There was no need to do a getting to know dating thing. She knew Xander. He knew her. And - god, there was every chance he wasn't actually feeling the same. She wasn't going to go walk up to Xander and say she wanted to date him and get rejected.
She sipped from the glass.
She wasn't getting rejected by Xander.
"We work together too. Always a terrible idea." She told herself.
"I just need - I just need to - I'll get over it. I got... I got jealous. I'm every pathetic loser girl I ever mocked in high school." Karma really was a bitch wasn't it? Wasn't she allowed to move on from that by now? She'd gotten this nice place. She had a job she didn't hate, she could help people... she had friends.
"I just need to wait it out."
January 8th, 2001
Caritas, Los Angeles
Cordelia heard the Host say her name and she took the last sip of her rum and coke.
God I'm an idiot.
She sang, ignoring the crowd, just wanting to get this over with. The experience was mortifying not because of the singing, but because of the horrifying prospects of what the Host would tell her once she was done. But she'd spent the entire afternoon in her apartment, desperately trying to get some kind of sense of closure for herself, convince herself she could just wait out her stupid crush and pretend it wasn't there and -
And then she'd ended up here.
Because she was an idiot.
As the song finished, she put the microphone back in its place, not hearing the Host announce whoever was coming up next and stepped off the stage to sit down, joined a few moments later by a green-skinned demon in a pale yellow suit that worked surprisingly well on him. The Host's fashion sense was a bit unusual, but it did work for the vibe he was going for, that was for sure.
"Well, I didn't need to be anagogic to tell you were conflicted about something, but wowee, I wasn't expecting what I read off you," The Host observed, taking a sip of his seabreeze. "I'll bet you didn't see it coming either."
"Not really, no," Cordelia muttered. "So what does that mean for me? What am I supposed to do?"
"I don't think 'supposed to' enters into it, Cordy," The Host replied.
"What, so you'll set Xander on the road that led to... this, and you won't help me?" Cordelia snapped.
"Cool your jets, I'm going to help you. It's what I do. But my point is, there's no destiny here. What happens with you and your ex is entirely up to you. The question is, what do you want?"
"If I knew what I wanted, I wouldn't be here," Really. Couldn't he just tell her how to get over this stupid thing and move on with her life. "Well know. I know what I want. I want to stop crushing on him." She shook her head. "I can't be the first person you've read that wants to go back to their useless ex and you talk them out of it."
"I can't say you're wrong. I've seen way too many guys and gals come across that stage bouncing back and forth from relationships that are bad for them and everyone around them. And you and Harris sure have a history and a half. But is that really what Xander is? A toxic relationship you can't escape?"
Cordelia scoffed, "I sure can't escape him now, so close enough." She looked away for a moment, and then a horrifying thought occurred to her. "Oh god, are you going to tell me I never escaped him at all? That I was still in love with him the whole time?" She made a face, wanting to gag just at the idea.
The Host shook his head, "This isn't that kind of movie, no. You well and truly hated him, but you and I both know there's a reason you fell for him the first time around, and those reasons aren't gone, now are they?"
"No." Cordelia dropped her head into her hands, covering her eyes and mouth. "No, they're not."
"And so here we are, you're interested in him all over again, falling into the same habits as before. You've been at that basically since he came to L.A., from what I saw." Cordelia couldn't deny that. Their sniping, the arguing, the back and forth... all the way to the kissing and the denial. Cordelia was just being even more head in the sand about it. "You could just pretend it's not happening, and eventually you'll probably get past it. That had its problems last time you tried it, but you are a few years older, you could pull it off." He gestured at her with his drink.
"I hear an 'or' in there." So pretending could work. That was good. It was a good plan. She knew better now. She could just... she could go pick up some girl. Maybe one with dark hair and brown eyes...
No, on second thought, better to get someone who looks nothing like Xander does now.
"Well, let me put it like this. I'm no expert on Slayers, but I know they have a high turnover rate. Your old pal in Sunnydale has gone and made a whole new mold there, and Xander could last a good long time himself. There's no guarantee of that though, and if he died tomorrow, while you still have all these unwelcome and gooey feelings about him, how would you feel about that?" The Host leaned in. "I think we both know the answer."
Cordelia looked away, then down at the ground, biting her lip.
"You gave him your heart once, and he screwed up and hurt you, big time. I wouldn't blame you if you hated him for the rest of your life. But you don't hate him anymore." Cordelia nodded. She didn't. She really didn't. "Could he hurt you again? Sure, that's the whole mortifying ordeal of love and relationships. Nothing comes without risk. But would he hurt you in the same way?"
"...once a cheater, always a cheater is a saying for a reason." Cordelia answered quickly, voice flat .
"True, but I can tell you you really don't believe that." The Host countered. Cordelia looked away again, refusing to meet his eye. "When I help set people on their paths, half the time, all I'm doing is helping them choose what they want to do anyway, they just need that push. You're conflicted alright, but you're not as conflicted as you think, and that's what's eating at you."
"So you're saying I should... what? Date him? Try for a round two, hope the second time is the charm?" Cordelia inhaled sharply. I can't be that girl. The one that just... goes back to her ex.
But was this really that? She wasn't the same person. Xander - god, he sure as hell wasn't the same person either. And there'd been years separating their last time together.
And if he dies before I do move on -
The Host wasn't wrong about how much that would hurt. Cordelia wished she could just pretend he was, but...
She inhaled again, and brought her hand up to her nose.
"From what I read in your aura while you sang, Cordelia, you want to give this a try," The Host said. " You're holding yourself back for all sorts of reasons, and most of them are good. But if those reasons were enough on their own, you wouldn't have come here, now would you?"
The Host downed the rest of his drink, standing up. "My advice, just as me, not from your aura - follow your heart, Cordy. It's true, the pesky little bugger will get you into a lot of trouble sometimes, but there's a reason why all the songs are about taking the chance on relationships, instead of staying home and moving on from your feelings. There's a music to love, and when the band starts playing your tune, it might be worth dancing the steps, even if they're familiar ones."
He moved over to watch the person singing on the stage, as Cordelia stayed at the table for a long moment, then finally, she inhaled.
I'm an idiot. She told herself again, standing and moving towards the exit. But she'd been an idiot when she'd developed feelings all over again. The ship had sailed.
I'm not a teenager anymore. Xander isn't either.
"If I'm going to be an idiot about things, then... maybe I can get something out of it," she said to herself quietly once she was out of Caritas. She swallowed, then reached for her phone, pulling it out and dialing Xander. It rang. Then rang again.
If that bastard lets me go to voicemail...
"Cordy?" Xander said after the fifth ring. "Are you about to yell at me some more?" He asked, sounding like he was preemptively recoiling from the phone.
"No. yes. Maybe. Not over the phone. Look, I might have overreacted this morning."
"Oh, you're just figuring that out now?"
"Xander," Cordelia growled his name out, already questioning her resolution to do what she was about to do.
"Fine, fine. Okay. So, wanna tell me what that was all about then? Because you -" Xander cut himself off, making a few wordless noises.
"What, I what?" Cordelia demanded.
"Don't punch me for saying it, but the way you were acting - if you weren't - I mean, you seemed jealous. Of Clarissa." Xander gave a derisive, scoffing laugh. "Which I mean, you wouldn't be."
Is that just wishful thinking or does he sound... upset? Bitter? Disappointed? Cordelia's throat felt tight.
"Look, I don't want to have this conversation over the phone Xander. Can you," she took a breath. "Can you meet me at my place?"
"...Cordy?"
"Xander, just do it, okay!?"
"...okay. Fine."
January 8th, 2001
Cordelia's Apartment, Los Angeles
Cordelia got back to her place just a few minutes before Xander did. She was in the middle of second-guessing herself, which she hated, but then, it made perfect sense to. She was doing the stupidest thing she could possibly do: admit to Xander that she had feelings for him all over again.
I should wait. Give it a few days. Build up - I mean, I just realized-
"Cordy!" Xander said, knocking at the door again. "I'm here!"
Letting out a frustrated 'gah', she moved over to the front door, opening it and silently letting Xander step inside, closing the door behind him. Xander looked around, surveying her apartment.
"...damn. How did you-"
"It's rent controlled. The place used to have a murderous ghost that killed people, so tenants kept dying or running away," Cordelia answered quickly, knowing that was likely to be Xander's first question. "Now it just has a friendly poltergeist. Speaking of." She raised her voice, "Dennis, can you give us the room please?"
For a moment, nothing, and one of the other doors opened and closed. He didn't need to do that, but he was making clear that he was in fact leaving the room.
"Okay." Xander said slowly. "So you live with a ghost? Must be fun."
"Dennis is great, most of the time. But he's not why I asked you to come here." She moved into the kitchen and opened a fresh bottle of wine, grabbing two glasses and pouring a small amount into both, handing one to Xander when she was done.
"Cordelia - no. I don't drink." Xander set the glass down. "Besides, Slayer. Alcohol doesn't have the same effect on me as it would... anyone else, unless I drink way too much of it."
"Well, I need a drink, so," Cordelia sipped at the wine. It was cheap, but the good kind of cheap, at least. Or at least the best kind she could get from the sort of place that didn't examine her fake ID that hard. It helped that she passed for over 21 easily.
"For what? Why am I here."
"You're here, Xander, because against all odds and for once in your life, you're right." She brushed past him and sat on the couch. Xander followed, sitting in one of the chairs, perched on the edge, leaning forward, looking at her.
"Right about what? Cordelia, are you okay? You're being - I mean, all day you're - something's wrong." Genuine concern there, his voice urgent and worried, looking her over.
Cordelia barked a laugh, "A lot is wrong. Because you were right. I was jealous of Clarissa. I am jealous of Clarissa. Because for some godforsaken reason, ever since that kiss - I can't stop thinking about you." Just right to the point. She was doing this now because she didn't want to beat around the bush. She wanted this done. Over with. Out there. If Xander was going to reject her, she wanted the whole mortifying ordeal over with.
She took a sip of her wine again, cursing the idiot who came up with the term 'liquid courage', because it didn't seem to be making her any braver.
Xander stared at her, wordless, mouth half open. Then finally, "Wait, Cordy, you - what are you-" He cut himself off, took a breath. "You're not saying what I think you're saying."
Cordelia licked her lips, holding her tongue between her teeth for a second, then, "I wish to god I didn't, Xander. I should hate you. I don't. I should want nothing to do with you, I don't. It's not like I spend every waking moment thinking about you, but ever since you came back to L.A. you've been in my head more and more and more and -"
Her breath caught and she stared at Xander, trying to get a read on him. Unfortunately, he wasn't giving off anything.
"Cordy..." he finally said, voice weak, quiet, disbelieving. "This isn't - you can't-"
"Xander, no matter how angry we were with each other, no matter how long it had been, we wouldn't have kissed without there being something. I wouldn't have. I don't get it. I don't understand it - well, I do but -"
She downed the rest of her glass of wine, setting it on the coffee table. She felt the burn of the alcohol in her throat and through her whole body for a moment, then, "There's a reason I fell for you the first time around, Xander. You are an infuriating, annoying, frustrating dumbass way too often, and apparently, that's something that I go for." Xander opened his mouth again, probably about to make a snarky comment and Cordelia held up a hand. "But you're also one of the bravest people I know. You're funnier than I want to admit. You don't take my shit. You know me. You've always seen me, not just - not just Queen C. And, once notable incident aside - a really big one - you're one of the most loyal people I've ever met."
She laughed, more genuinely this time, though it was still a low, quiet sound. "And it doesn't help that you're sexy and incredibly strong and..." she trailed off, voice low when she spoke again, "your eyes look the same as they used to. In your old body, I mean. You ever notice that? When I look at your eyes..." she trailed off, and then "God, fuck me, I'm -" She changed tack a little, jumping ahead to the point.
"When I saw that - that girl, leaving the hotel and I realized you slept with her I was so - I was - I was so furious. I didn't get it. But you were right. I was jealous. Jealous that you were having sex and I wasn't, yeah, but jealous that Clarissa got to have you. Jealous that you were able to get that kiss we had out of your system by picking up any random skank at a bar."
Xander raised a finger, "One, she wasn't a skank, two, she did the picking up, and three, who said I got the kiss out of my head?"
Cordelia blinked. Is he- She hated how much she felt her chest go tight at that last bit. How much it felt -
She licked her lips, trying to force herself to take a deep breath, her cheeks feeling warm. She wasn't tipsy, not even, but the wine, and the rum and coke she'd had at Caritas... she was definitely feeling the alcohol now.
"You know, Anya is going to be so smug if I tell her about this conversation." Xander finally said after what felt like way too much silence.
"What does your demon ex have to do with anything?!" Just what a girl liked to hear when she was telling someone she liked them. Mention of the other person's ex.
"When I was back in Sunnydale. We talked. What, you think it was a coincidence that I finally - eventually - went to a gay bar and had sex after going back there for a few days." He inhaled, exhaled. "When I decided it was time to leave Sunnydale, we both agreed that we were breaking up. Or at least... going on a break. Or something. Holding out hope I'd get to be a guy again, that I'd find something, or Willow would find a magic solution... but I didn't want her to just... wait. Forever. And Anya decided I shouldn't either." He laughed, "Nearly every time we talked on the phone, she was always pestering me to go to a gay bar and find a hot girl to 'give me plenty of well-deserved reciprocal orgasms'."
The way he said that last part made it clear he was quoting his ex, and Cordelia couldn't help but stare at that.
I should have known blunt would be Xander's type. Given that Anya was that demon who'd tried to get her to make a wish against Xander for revenge for the whole... sucking face with Willow thing... she was a little surprised she hadn't been more possessive.
"I didn't because... well, a lot of reasons. Hangups and feeling like I'd be lying to people and... the fact that it felt like I'd be cheating on Anya." He scoffed, "I was shocked to learn she'd felt the same thing. But the truth is... I'm not becoming a guy again. Anya thinks I don't want to stop being a Slayer, not even if it meant being a guy again, and..." he trailed off, and a look of wonder crossed his face.
"I didn't even drink anything, and I'm spilling my guts."
"Whatever else, Xander, we've always been able to be honest with each other... mostly. When we're not lying to ourselves." Cordelia pointed out quietly, fiddling with the empty wine glass on the coffee table.. "It's what made us work." Granted, for most of their lives that honesty had been deployed in barbed insults and endless bickering, but...
Well, as foundations for relationships go, she'd seen worse. She'd done worse. And it could have lasted longer, in another life.
And... well. Here they were again.
"I... there is that," Xander admitted. "The point is - Anya and I broke up. She urged me to get laid again, and she could tell I was hiding something when the others asked about how you were."
Cordelia thought back to the hotel room, when Xander had mentioned his ex.
"You were about to say, back in the hotel room... did she - did she say I-" Cordelia had met the girl twice, and she'd known? Before her?
"She suggested it was possible the kiss meant you had some sort of feelings for me. Tried to suggest we should sleep together. I said that was insane. I mean - you- after what I did to you-"
"It's insane, but it's real, Xander." Cordelia laughed, "For god's sake, I've fucking fantasized about you while I masturbated." Even as the words left her mouth, she regretted saying it quite that far. She wanted to blame the alcohol, and that had to be part of it but it didn't work that fast it -
This was too many emotional revelations at once. Too much baring of the soul. Her eyes flicked to Xander's lips as his cheeks blazed, and then he looked away for a moment.
"Cordy- you - why are you-"
To hell with it. Maybe she wasn't quite following her 'heart' here, but -
She was insane. She was absolutely insane. Even with all this emotional talk, Xander hadn't actually said he had any interest in her. But she needed to know. If there was any room for her to have a chance, or if they were just going to have some lame catharsis and she'd have to work through this all on her own later.
Cordelia stood up, walking over to Xander and sitting down on his lap. She rested her arms on his shoulders, looking him in the eye, those eyes that seemed to be all but the same as his old ones, the ones that she could always read when she got this close. Their faces were inches apart.
"I'm not in love with you again Xander," Cordelia told him, voice barely above whisper. "But I can see it from here. And either way, I want you. I keep thinking about you, the kiss... the idea of us. And I'm being absolutely insane, just diving into this, but I don't want to do a repeat of what happened last time, where we danced around things for way too long before we finally decided to actually admit things and seriously try us out. And the other choice is to just try to not have a crush on you, and you know what? That doesn't sound any more appealing."
She closed the distance between their lips, her arms locking around his neck, one hand going to the back of his head. She felt Xander's hands moving, one at her waist, the other at her shoulder, bucking his hips a little upwards - she felt heat gathering, coiling tight in her lower abdomen - no, not gathering, gathered already, just... more. He returned the kiss, his lips pressing against hers, and Cordelia felt a small groan escaping her throat, the feeling that she'd wanted ever since that night weeks ago now being felt again...
This time, it was her lips that parted, and Xander's tongue slipped into her mouth for a moment, just a moment, as they kept kissing, the hand that wasn't on Xander's head now started to roam down his back, and Cordelia moaned again as the hand on her waist started to move lower, finding her rear and caressing it through her clothes -
Her lips parted again, and once more, Xander's tongue entered her mouth, she ran hers against his for a moment, eyes closing - god, this was better than the fantasies and god she was -
No. Recriminations about how much of an idiot she was could wait. No more of that.
She pulled back from Xander's lips, breathing heavily, sucking in air - never in her life did she hate the fact that humans needed to breathe more than she did now. She met Xander's eyes again.
"I'll take that as a 'you want me too'," She smirked. It wasn't that she hadn't known he still thought she was sexy and beautiful, but it was nice to have the confirmation.
"God yes," Xander said, whispering, swallowing visibly. "Cordy are you - you- are you sure?" He looked past her for a moment and she turned her head to see him looking at the wine glass.
"I'm not drunk, Xander. I want this. I want you." She kissed his lips again, but only for a long moment, and then stood up, getting off Xander, the almost-pouting expression on his face as she did so surprisingly appealing. She smirked again after licking her lips slowly. "I'm going to my bedroom. You have two minutes to join me before I lock the door."
She sauntered to the door to her bedroom, feeling Xander's eyes on her back, on her ass, her hips, hearing his breathing coming fast and shallow as she opened the door.
She didn't get a chance to even start to close the door before Xander was inside her bedroom, hands on her hips, kissing her again, closing the bedroom door with a light kick. Cordelia put her own hands on Xander's hips, and pulled him with her back towards the bed, until she was pressed up against the base of it. She pulled back from the kiss again, seeing Xander's pupils dilated with lust, face flushed, his whole body coiled tight, in a way that reminded her of a... panther, or some other big cat.
"If we're going to do this..." Cordeia said slowly, licking her lips, her voice breathy and low and dark. "Then there's one thing to remember."
"What's that?" Xander asked, biting his lower lip, hips pressing against her, one leg slipping between her legs.
Cordelia leveraged her hands on his hips and spun the two of them around so that Xander was the one pressed against the base of the bed. He hadn't resisted at all, probably hadn't even thought to, and continued not doing that as she pushed him onto the bed, straddling his waist.
"I'm on top. Always." Cordelia growled and leaned down and forward, claiming Xander's lips again as her hands slipped under his shirt and finally cupped his chest through his bra.