Eleven - Deus Ex Machina

Everyone turned around.

Behind them stood Gee.

She had emerged on the stairs leading to the top storey, and was holding the banister for support. Her shoulders were heaving, and between her gasping for breath she muttered something that sounded like: 'I will confuse the speech of the man who came up with multistorey car parks' – but Crowley must have heard that wrong.

'What is she doing here?' Aziraphale muttered to him. Crowley shrugged.

'Hello, Gee, ah – this isn't really a good time...' Aziraphale said, then faltered and looked over to Crowley.

He scraped his throat. 'Ah, yeah – we're having a few disagreements here, but we'll sort it out –'

'Oh, don't insult me,' Gee said. She let go of the banister and swayed a little. Amina rushed forward to help her. 'Thank you, habibti,' Gee said, taking Amina's arm and shuffling towards the stunned crowd of angels, demons, Christ and Crowley. 'I see I'm going to have to intervene.'

'This is none of your business,' Michael said coolly. 'I don't know what you're doing here, but –'

Gee sighed. 'Oh, shut up, Mike.'

Michael blinked.

'What are all these humans doing here?' Uriel said. 'The car park is supposed to be closed!'

'This is actually the first human we cannot account for,' Saraqael pointed out. They looked at Gee with interest. 'Who are you, then? You look a bit old to Conceive anyone, if you've come to volunteer.'

'This is a little disappointing, I must admit,' Gee said, then, turning to Crowley and Aziraphale: 'I'd hoped one of you at least would have figured it out.'

Aziraphale frowned. 'What do you mean, you...'

Gee's unevenly-coloured eyes smiled. She raised a hand and snapped her fingers. And then the realisation washed over Crowley, and several people spoke at the same time.

'Father?' said Christ.

'Boss?' said Uriel.

'OMG,' said Amina.

'Yes, it's Me,' said God, smiling.

'Holy shit,' said Hastur.

God raised an eyebrow.

Crowley looked at Aziraphale. His face mirrored Crowley's own astonishment. Did you know about this? he mouthed. Crowley shook his head, stunned. His mind was working at top speed. What had they done? What was She going to do?

Michael was the first to recover her senses in the silence that followed. 'What are You doing here, Lord?' she stammered.

'I told you,' God said. 'Divine intervention.'

That was met with a stunned silence from the angels.

At length, it was Aziraphale who spoke. 'And, um, what do You plan to do, then, Lord?'

God vaguely gestured around. 'Well, stop this whole nonsense, of course.'

Crowley exhaled. He and Aziraphale exchanged a look of relief.

The three Archangels, meanwhile, all tried and failed to say something, opening and closing their mouths in shock. In the end it was again Michael who found her marbles first. 'But – but this was Your plan, Lord. This was the plan all along.'

'Yes, well, I've been thinking about it all. Had quite a lot of time for thinking now that people aren't praying 24/7 anymore,' God said. 'And he's right.' She nodded at Aziraphale. 'This is a terrible idea.'

The angels' eyes turned to Aziraphale, narrowing. Michael hissed low. Aziraphale smiled nervously and took a small step back, slightly bumping into Crowley. Crowley did not step aside. He was not entirely sure they could rely on Gee – God – protecting them. They best stay close together (quite this close was technically not necessary for safety reasons, but Crowley was happy to ignore that).

'Wait.' Hastur was the first of the demons to speak. 'You're against it?'

God turned to Hastur. 'Well, you haven't gotten brighter over the centuries, have you?' She suddenly sounded very much like Gee again. Crowley bit an unexpected grin.

'But, Father,' Christ said in a slightly whiny tone of voice, 'You promised Me I could Come Again. I did everything You said, and they crucified Me, and then You promised I could have a second go at it.'

God sighed, but her unevenly coloured eyes smiled when she turned to Her son. 'Yes, darling, and You will.'

It took a moment for Crowley to realise the meaning of those words. 'What?' he said. 'But You just said You were going to prevent –'

'I was getting to that,' God said.

Crowley and Aziraphale exchanged a look. 'To... what, exactly?'

'I didn't just come here as a backup for your mad scheme – although I must say, it has been highly amusing to watch. I've done a lot of thinking, as I said. And I've decided to end this whole business.' She gestured vaguely around Her. 'It's been fun, but it's been enough.'

The angels and demons exchanged puzzled glances. 'What do You mean, Lord?' Michael voiced all of their thoughts.

God looked about Her. 'Isn't it obvious? I'm going to disband Heaven and Hell.'

.

Aziraphale couldn't believe his ears. Then again, this was God. He better believe it.

'Disband?' Michael spluttered. 'But what – what will happen to us, then?'

'Well,' God said. 'It has recently been brought to my attention that the forces of Hell have found a new technique. I believe they call it Stripping.'

The demons all paled.

Michael swallowed. 'What?'

'You will be Stripped of your powers,' God explained matter-of-factly.

'But that – that –' Uriel tripped over their words. 'That would make us... human.' They pronounced the last word with a note of fear, bordering on plain horror.

God nodded.

Astaroth, who had not said a word since Amina's tongue-lashing, looked like he was going to throw up. 'You can't do that to us,' he said hoarsely.

The angels raised their wings threateningly at this insubordination. Michael opened her mouth, then closed it again. She grimaced in horror at having to agree with Astaroth.

'Please,' Hastur squeaked. His hands were trembling.

Aziraphale looked over to Crowley. He had been staring at God in astonishment, like the rest of them, but now he transferred his gaze to the demons, and a devilish light appeared in his eyes. Aziraphale recognised it even through the sunglasses.

'But why, Lord?' It was Saraqael who spoke. They had been silent for a long time, but now there was a hint of dread on their face that even they could not quite suppress.

'Well, wouldn't you say it has been enough, Saraqael? Everything has been done – the flood, the Messiah, even bloody Armageddon. Let's not drag it out. Anyway, it was really Crowley who gave Me the idea.'

The angels raised their wings again, this time at Crowley. The demons hissed. Aziraphale's muscles tensed, ready to move.

'What, me?' Crowley said laconically behind him.

'Just something you said to your replacement, back in London,' God said. 'You asked what was the point of it all. Heaven, Hell, angels, demons.'

'Oh, really?' Crowley said, slightly bewildered. He frowned. 'Did she answer? Shax? Can't recall.'

'Of course not. You had a good point. It got Me thinking, and, well, here we are.' The way God said it, it sounded like a perfectly logical conclusion.

'But – please, Lord – this is absurd,' Michael spluttered.

'You can't just...' Hastur started, voice wobbling.

'I can,' God said calmly, 'and I will.'

'Nothing is impossible with God,' Crowley said in a sing-song voice. Aziraphale looked aside at him. His expression was one of pure glee.

Aziraphale hardly knew how to feel about it himself. He had to confess to feeling a little schadenfreude at the horror of the other angels at the idea of becoming human – but that idea made him feel uncomfortable, too. Oh, he liked humans, but more in the way that humans like cats and dogs. He'd never thought about being one of them himself, and thinking about it now filled him with some apprehension. He liked eternity. And doing little miracles for the people around him. And never having to worry about reservations in his favourite restaurants. And having a bookshop without having to actually sell books. The though of parting with his books, any of his books, was revolting. He very much did not want to sell even the pulpiest paperback.

But – the irony did not escape him – what he did or did not want, was irrelevant. He was an angel; he got to do what God wanted. He'd pointed that out to Crowley several times over the centuries.

He glanced aside at Crowley again, who was still grinning wickedly. Demon or human, that grin remained the same. Something eased in Aziraphale.

Maybe he could sell a book or two. Maybe that wouldn't be too bad.

Presently Saraqael held up a hand. 'But you can't, Lord,' they said calmly. 'You're forgetting the souls. If there are no Heaven and Hell, where do the souls of the departed go?'

'Ah. Yes,' God said. 'Now we're getting back to the original point. I've been reading books. Human books, of course – My own work is getting a bit repetitive after six thousand years. Anyway – those books make a good point about non-renewable resources.'

Blank gazes.

'At some point in the future, we'll be through our store of human souls,' God said. 'The only way to keep the world going, which will incidentally also solve the whole Heaven-and-Hell problem, is... recycling.'

The angels and demons exchanged looks of utter incomprehension. They probably had no idea what any of those terms meant, Aziraphale realised. (The demons likely did know what recycling was, but only so they could throw plastic in the paper bin and vice versa.)

At length it was Amina who spoke. She had remained quiet for the last half-hour, standing behind God and looking the most astonished of all, but now she said: 'You mean... reincarnation?'

'That's the word, thank you, habibti.'

Christ frowned slightly. 'So... I can Come Again?' He asked.

'You can come again, darling. Without capital letters. Just like everyone else.' God put a hand on Her son's arm. 'Not just a second time, but as many times as you want.'

Christ's expression brightened. His halo brightened with it. 'Can I pick where I'll be born then?'

God laughed her cackling laugh. 'We'll talk about that.'

'No – but – wait,' Michael said. 'Lord, we've served You faithfully for six thousand years! Are You really going to condemn us to a finite existence?'

'No, haven't you been listening? You will be human, and then when you die' – a shiver went through the angels and demons – 'you will return and have another life on Earth. And so on.'

Michael appeared less reassured than before. She looked sickly at her fellow Archangels, but they had nothing more to say either.

Aziraphale glanced at Muriel. She, too, had been watching God with a mixture of astonishment and awe – more of the latter – but now her eyes were sparkling. He bit a smile. There was one angel, at least, who looked forward to spending more time on Earth.

Make that two, he thought then, and to his surprise he found he meant it.

In the silence, it was Crowley who spoke up. 'And what will You do, then?'

'Me?' God asked, surprised. 'I'm going to hole up in the Universe with a good book, how's that?' She cackled, then looked serious again. 'Time to withdraw from the world. I'll keep an eye out, though. There are always good stories to watch unfold.' She looked pointedly at Crowley and Aziraphale.

Aziraphale's heart made a little skip. He glanced aside at Crowley, who only looked vaguely puzzled. God wiggled an eyebrow at them – Crowley looked only more puzzled, but Aziraphale felt a smile burgeoning in his chest.

God grinned at him, then turned back to Amina. 'Now, habibti, you'll need to leave,' She said. 'You can't be here when I Strip the angels and demons. There's no point in running, Astaroth,' she continued, raising her voice. 'Everyone will be affected, whether they are present or not.'

Aziraphale turned to see Astaroth, who stood frozen with one foot in the Ferrari. He looked even paler than before.

'Sneaking away?' Furfur growled at him. Astaroth bared his teeth, if with less conviction than before.

God shook Her head. 'I see I'm going to have to send you two to the opposite sides of the Earth. Now, Amina, you best wait in the car. This will only take a few minutes.'

Amina nodded slowly. 'Okay...' She glanced at Crowley and Aziraphale. Aziraphale smiled at her, but he felt how weak it was. He was suddenly nervous. Amina gave a smile back, then turned and left the top storey. Her footsteps down the stairs quickly died away.

'You too, darling,' God said to Christ.

'But I have powers too,' Christ pointed out.

'Yes, darling, but You're still human.'

'Why can't I be here, then?'

God sighed, but then smiled. 'I am going to unveil My face. You cannot withstand that.'

'No man shall look upon the face of God and live,' Aziraphale muttered.

God looked at him. 'Always nice when people quote your own words back to you,' She said drily. Aziraphale flushed. 'But I believe you have one of those excellent Bibles with additions, don't you? Isn't there one with an Exodus 33:20b?'

Aziraphale frowned in confusion. He hadn't been reading his collection of Infamous Bibles for a while, and so much had happened lately – but then he remembered. '"But if an angel looketh upon the face of God, they shall be Stripped, and a demon also..." Oh!' He'd never paid much attention to this verse. The word Stripped hadn't meant anything special until recently; he'd always assumed it was about God looking straight into your soul or something. 'Well, I never.'

'Exactly,' God said primly. 'Now...'

'Can I not look on from a distance?' Christ tried one last time.

God sighed. 'No, darling. Come on, I'll see You out.' She put a hand on Her son's elbow – she had to reach up a considerable distance, given her five-foot height and the fact that Christ was still levitating.

'All right then,' Christ said, still sulking slightly.

Gee snapped her fingers. They started rising, like in an invisible lift. The skies had closed again after Christ's descent onto Earth, but now a spot of blue appeared between the clouds, right above them. With a solemn expression the two of them rose towards it. Aziraphale watched them go.

The moment they were out of earshot, he felt a chilly silence descend on the top storey of the car park. He drew his gaze from the disappearing God and Christ and found the angels and demons were all looking at him and Crowley. Their expressions ranged from cold fury to deep hatred.

'All of this is your fault,' Michael hissed.

'Ah – don't blame us, this is God's decision,' Crowley said hastily.

Uriel took a step towards them. 'Don't you dare pin this... this delusion on the Almighty,' they said threateningly.

The demons drew up beside Uriel. 'Let's get them,' Hastur growled.

Uriel looked annoyed, but then nodded grimly. They looked over to the other angels, who fanned out around them. Aziraphale and Crowley took a step back.

'Any good plans up your sleeve?' Crowley hissed in Aziraphale's ear.

Aziraphale shook his head, mouth dry. Here they were, all their wiles spent at last. He looked up, hoping for God, but both She and Christ had now disappeared in the clouds.

The angels and demons came towards them. 'We'll make you pay for all of this,' Michael grated.

'We'll wring the life from you,' Furfur added hungrily.

Aziraphale took another step back. He felt cold metal press into his calf, and looked behind him. They were at the edge. Behind them was a hundred-foot drop.

'Listen, can't we be –' he began.

'Shut up,' Saraqael said coolly.

'We will so enjoy this,' Astaroth said, eyes flickering.

Aziraphale looked over to Crowley, panicking. Crowley's own mask of cool was starting to slip. Sweat pearled on his forehead.

'We will smite you till there are only bits of skin of you left,' Uriel said, stepping closer.

'We will roast you over a bonfire,' Furfur said, following suit.

'Slowly,' Hastur added eagerly. The others nodded vehemently.

'Words,' another voice said.

The angels and demons turned around, then split like the Red Sea to reveal a figure that had appeared behind them. Aziraphale breathed a sigh of relief. It was the Metatron.

'Really, all of you.' The Metatron shook its head and walked through the crowd, until it stood opposite Crowley and Aziraphale. It stood out between the other angels, a tweed coat in a sea of white robes. The Metatron looked them over, then turned back to the angels and demons. 'Stop relishing their punishment, and act. Or are you afraid to touch them? Hm?'

Silence. Uriel looked down.

'Well, I thought so.' The Metatron shook its head again. 'I see it falls to me again to take action.' It reached in its coat and took out something that glimmered metallic in the grey daylight. It was a gun.

Aziraphale grew cold.

'That won't be any use,' Michael said, an edge of impatience in her voice. 'Angels can't die. Not even fallen angels.'

'Oh, this is not for him,' the Metatron said dismissively. 'This is for Crowley.'

'As I said, he can't die either!'

'You think so?' The Metatron said. It cocked the gun, aimed at Crowley, and fired.

Aziraphale had jumped before he knew it. He pushed Crowley aside.

Time slowed down. Aziraphale saw the bullet fly, saw the place where it would collide with him, saw the Metatron's cold face –

The bullet hit his body. Pain blossomed in his chest. His body hit the ground.

Then his body was gone.

.

Crowley saw Aziraphale discorporate before his eyes.

'No!' he yelled. He fell to his knees, to the place where Aziraphale had been just a second ago, hands frantically grasping empty air. 'Don't you leave me now, you bastard.' Not now, after all these years. He fell forward, hands colliding with the ground. There he remained, panting, the realisation sinking in.

'Well,' the Metatron said, 'that was unforeseen. But no matter.' It cocked the gun again.

Crowley scrambled up. His eyes burned. He threw himself at the Metatron, pushing the gun aside. It went off, bullet flying wide. He clawed at the Metatron's eyes, but hands gripped him from behind. Hastur and Michael pulled him off the Metatron. Hastur raised a fist, but Crowley wrangled free. He lurched at the Metatron again, but then a commanding voice rolled over them.

'Stop this at once!'

It was God. She had returned alone, and now descended in their midst. She raised an age-spotted hand and Crowley was separated from the Metatron by an invisible force. The other angels and the demons were also pushed away, forming a circle around Her.

Crowley strained against the power holding him to his place, trying to get to the Metatron on the other side of the circle. In vain. He couldn't move an inch. Opposite him, the Metatron cocked its gun again.

'Enough!' God's voice boomed, reverberating in Crowley's bones. The sky darkened momentarily. Crowley suddenly understood what people meant when they spoke of the fear of God.

'Let me go –' he began.

God shook Her head. 'You will leave each other alone. All of you.' It was a Commandment. The fire left Crowley's limbs. He heard the Metatron's gun fall to the floor.

'Are you all right?' a whisper came from beside him. It was Muriel, glancing up at him with a worried expression.

'No,' Crowley hissed through clenched jaws.

'You need to leave too, Crowley,' God said, altogether more kindly.

'No!' Crowley said. 'Aziraphale –'

God shrugged. 'Suit yourself, then.' She looked around the circle of angels and demons. 'I see I'm going to have to send you all over the Earth to prevent you from starting a third World War once I'm gone.' She sighed. 'Well, let's get it over with.'

What? She was not going to do it yet, was she? 'Wait!' Crowley spluttered.

God turned to him. 'Look away, Crowley.'

'No! God –'

Muriel reached out and took his hand. 'Come on,' she said encouragingly, and gently turned him away from God. Crowley looked over his shoulder. God reached up to Her niqab.

'Wait!' Crowley pulled himself free from Muriel's hand. 'God – Gee – wait! Aziraphale doesn't have a body –'

God undid Her veil.

Through his sunglasses, Crowley caught a glimpse of a face. Just a glimpse, but he could tell it was old, old as the universe –

Then a wave of pressure hit him. He was lifted off his feet and thrown across the car park. For a moment he was weightless, flying – then he smashed into the ground.

.

'I'm sorry,' the angel on duty in the body distribution centre said apologetically. 'I can't give you a new body right away.'

'But I need one now!' Aziraphale said desperately. 'Crowley is still down there!'

'I'm sorry, sir,' the angel said. 'You'll need to fill in this form.' He snapped his fingers and a stack of papers as thick as Aziraphale's thumb appeared on the desk between them. 'It may take three to five days for your request to be processed.'

'Very well.' Aziraphale made a decision. 'I don't like having to do this, but you're really giving me no choice.' He puffed up this chest. 'I am Supreme Archangel, and I demand you give me a body right this inst–'

He fell silent. In the corner of his eye, he could see something coming towards them.

The other angel had seen it too. 'What's that?' he whispered.

A wall of pale clouds was rolling towards them. They enveloped everything they encountered, swallowing Heaven into a colourless void. It looked like a sand storm in a desert, except that these were not clouds of dust. They were clouds of nothing. A vacuum, moving at speed.

The void swallowed everything in its path. Heaven fell away inch by inch. Aziraphale could only watch, transfixed, as it neared.

'What is that?' the other angel said, panic now tinging his voice. He took a step back.

Aziraphale swallowed, then managed an encouraging smile. 'No need to be afraid, I'm sure. It's all part of God's plan.'

'Really?' the angel squeaked.

Aziraphale opened his mouth to answer, but he never got the chance. The clouds were here. The void swallowed them.