I've been very sick lately... so I won't be posting in a while... and that makes me sad...
Anyway... Thank you to all who read this story.
Timeless
Himura Kenshin
Part I
He is burning.
Kenshin is on fire.
Plunged into the middle of a nightmare... He screams!
It is fire that consumes him. It chokes him and doesn't let him breathe. Amid a storm of flames that promises a shower of ashes, Kenshin tries to save Kaoru. He moves through the devastation of the flames, and is unaware of the risk of moving between enemies with his eyes fixed on a distant point in the battle.
"Kaoru dono!"
No. Kenshin doesn't have his heart in battle; that doesn't matter to him now, just reaching Kaoru, reaching her matters. That is why he does not worry about finishing off opponents as he should, nor to protect himself as he should from their attacks. As long as she doesn't die, as long as he can get to her as quickly as possible...
"Live, Kenshin! Live!" she yells at him.
The flames grow, and Kaoru remains imprisoned, a cage made of fire that has no way out, crumbling in on itself. And Kenshin had never felt so far from reaching her.
"KAORU!" He screams in the middle of the mist.
A bang. A hit.
Afterward, there is only darkness.
The mansion doors are flung open. The group of men -most of them are samurai- rush in while desperation is reflected on their faces. Several of them can barely stay on their feet, others are holding on to a partner. But it's the one they bring to the front that everyone cares about, the one they're there for, the one they've come back hoping to heal.
"Careful! Do it carefully!" Remarks the one who goes in front, an older man but, with a built physique. His own fear of losing the boy forces him to respond angrily.
There's a series of instructions echoed, followed by actions that fulfill them.
"Close and secure the doors!"
"Call the doctor!"
The boy, who is torn between life and death, is carried by Sagara Sozo himself, who is almost as battered as the boy he is holding in his arms.
The men move past the gardens, entering the house and following the directions of the workers.
"Put him on the tatami" Indicates the doctor, who is assisted by three apprentices, one of them is just a young girl.
"Ah!" Complaints the boy to be left on the tatami.
The rest of the men dedicate themselves to stripping him of his armor and then, they discover his chest where a cut on the left pectoral - which starts at the shoulder and extends almost to the belly - bubbles with blood and pus.
"Kamisama!" is the exclamation that is heard the most in the room.
Sozo tightens the gesture.
"The wound is not deep; how did this happen?"
The doctor has already set to work, preparing his instruments and ointments while, with his eyes, he gives instructions to his assistants, who attend immediately.
"It got infected," he answers. "He probably didn't clean it like he should have, or he thought it wasn't that bad. Or he just forgot. In the middle of the battlefield, the watchword is not to let yourself be killed; there is no time to keep track of the wounds."
Sozo knows, of course, he has also had to fight in the open field; even so, he didn't expect the young samurai to resist that insult for so long without even complaining.
"Maybe by not taking off his armor..." suggested the young woman who was attending to him; a girl probably the same age as the samurai, with brown eyes and black hair.
"Maybe, but for now, it doesn't matter," replied the doctor. "Pass me the tanto." He asks the girl.
Sozo jumped instantly.
"Wouldn't it be better to give him something for the pain first?"
The doctor stops for just a second.
"We will have to see how he reacts without one. Right now, there is nothing that can ease the pain without causing worse damage."
Sozo withdraws into himself, upset, frustrated, and terribly guilty.
The girl seems to take pity on him then.
"Master, this time, couldn't we use a drug?"
The doctor despairs.
"I thought I was clear." He replies. "I know what drug you're thinking, but the damage can be worse."
"Only a small dose -she refutes- it is clear that he is clean."
The doctor considers it; the boy complains again. The fever is taking hold of him, but he is still strong enough to require three people to contain him, which is certainly a problem...
"Very good," he relents, to the relief of the others, "a small dose of opium. Hurry up!"
The young samurai -who is none other than Kenshin- is held while the drug is administered. However, - sunk in the delirium of fever - he gives them battle, and a part of the drug is wasted in his struggle. But in the end, they get him to take it.
As the drug begins to take effect, Kenshin falls unconscious.
The doctor checks his vital signs, his pupils, and tongue. He finally nods.
"Let's get started," he says, drawing the tanto.
"What do you need it for?" Asks Sanosuke, who has been relegated to watching from a corner.
Over the last month, he and Kenshin had become somewhat close, and now he feared for the fate of his new friend.
"I have to tear off the scab of pus and blood that has been made." Informs the doctor, then smiles with some cynicism in his eyes. "Don't worry, the other blades are not that big."
Sano shudders.
"Don't die, Kenshin" he prays.
Kenshin wakes up with a start.
"Aah." He deeply inhales as if he has just poked his head out from under the sea.
For a second, he doesn't know where he is.
"Kenshin."
But when he hears that voice, everything settles in his mind. The high-ceilinged room, the window at the back with the wooden chest of drawers under it, his belongings scattered among the nooks and crannies of the room... 'This is the sanctuary,' he says to himself.
"Kaoru dono," he says when he sees her.
It is night, and they are both in her room. Kaoru is in the anteroom; the doors that connect both rooms are slightly open as if the girl had arranged them to keep an eye on him.
The cloth that Kaoru has been sewing has been left on the floor. The girl is on her hands and legs, leaning in his direction, evidently having jumped at him as soon as he woke up with that start.
"Did you have a nightmare?" she questions him, concern clearly in her eyes, and Kenshin feels warmth spread in his chest.
"…I do not remember." He answers, looking away. Then his memory kicks in, and he recalls why he was waiting. "When did you come back?" He inquires.
That day he had returned to the priestess apprentice's room alone; Kaoru had had to attend a ritual with the Guji outside the sanctuary, and Kenshin had been left behind. He had tried to wait up for her, but everything seemed to indicate that he had given in to sleep.
Kaoru smiles.
"A little over two hours ago." She answers, sitting back down.
When she had returned, her friend was leaning against the screen that divided the two futons, which he had arranged in advance, even switching from the side he usually slept to make it easier for her to rest when she arrived. Surely, the young man had wanted to assist her in some way.
The apprentice smiles.
"You looked very tired. That's why I didn't want to wake you up. And since I still had work to do…" She completes, suddenly remembering the fabric she's left behind, and goes back to work.
Kenshin watches her, finally analyzing the conditions they both find themselves in. It was clear that she had taken precautions not to wake him, but at the same time, she had been worried about him if the ajar doors and the blanket on top of him meant anything.
"You didn't have to go to so much trouble," he tells her embarrassed.
Kaoru pouts and then pokes Kenshin's forehead with a finger; he barely complains.
"Kenshin no baka(idiot), I wanted to do it." She tells him. Then she sighs. "It's late. You should go back to sleep."
"And you?" He asks.
Although Kaoru is already wearing her sleeping yukata, she still looks too awake.
"I still have to finish." She tells him, smiling sadly. "If I don't finish these adjustments, I might trip over the cloth at the dance tomorrow."
"Do you want me to help you?" he offers, not wanting to leave her alone and feeling somewhat uncomfortable sleeping while she works.
"There really isn't much you can do." She argues with a laugh. "I'm fine, seriously."
Kenshin hesitates for a moment. But in the end, he gives in.
"OK." He says.
She nods and goes back to darning the kimono fabric she is preparing.
The boy is about to lie down when he notices the blanket still around his shoulders. He smiles before taking it off and now puts it on the young woman's shoulders. She is startled at first; but smiles at him afterward, thanking him for the gesture. There is an exchange of glances through which secrets are shared. The redhead returns to the private room, but instead of closing the shoji, he opens it a little more. He lies down on the futon, this time covering himself with the quilt, and after sighing, he closes his eyes, trying to sleep.
Then he shifts awkwardly. Not because of the light from the lamp that his partner is using, nor because of the hiss that her subtle movements cause -they relax him- but because he feels something is missing.
"Kaoru dono" he calls her, and she answers absentmindedly, without stopping sewing. "The song you were humming..."
"Oh! Sorry -she starts embarrassed- did I bother you?"
"No." He answers immediately, straightening up to look at her in the face. "It sounded familiar, that's all."
"Ah… -The young apprentice considers it.
For a moment, she is lost in old memories. Then, she resumes her task while answering. "My mom used to sing it for me and my brother in Izumo. She said she had learned it from an Ainu (Japanese of European descent), but because she had liked it so much, she had asked him to teach it to her."
Kenshin looks at her unsure and nervous.
"Could you…?" He starts, but he himself cuts off the words.
Kaoru blinks, looking at him blankly, waiting for him to continue.
Kenshin, however, shakes his head and goes back to bed in a hurry.
"No. Nothing. Good night." He says hastily.
Kaoru looks at him, dismayed. In a way, she understood what he had been about to ask her.
In the two months that Kenshin has lived at the shrine, Kaoru has learned to read the boy and understand how insecure and shy he is beneath his confident image. She ponders his hidden request a bit and finally smiles.
"Kenshin," she calls him. The boy only stirs a little under the futon cover, and the young woman's smile widens. "If you don't mind, can I sing it?"
It is at that moment, that Kenshin stands up on his elbows again, surprised, and looks at her in detail.
"It helps me focus better on my stitches," she explains, pointing to the fabric and needle in her hands.
The samurai feels that warmth on his chest again and can't help but smile just like her.
"It would be an honor," he replies.
The redhead goes back to bed; Kaoru goes back to her craft, taking a couple of stitches before starting to sing, humming the notes of the melody first.
Hmm, hmm, hmm...
The boy sighs, closing his eyes. The young apprentice marks the tempo and gradually creates a fantasy through the music she sings.
Both hearts are linked, and the space around them disappears, absorbed by a gentle mist.
It is then that he begins to dream.
…
Expanses of green are painted in front of his eyes. Leafy forests and harvest fields.
I was a moving thing before I was a human being
I was the ice before it melts, I was the tree before it fell
He is a child running through the grass where many farmers work in the sun. He is following a girl ahead of him -his sister- but when he sees his mother, he turns towards her. The woman - whose face he can no longer draw - smiles at him and caresses his head affectionately. He takes her hands and puts a wooden top in them.
Scenes of his family with him involved in everyday life follow one another, where laughter is the main feature.
The top is spinning without stopping.
My dear, come near
Do you understand what is happening?
And suddenly, time passes, scene after scene happening. Most obscured by the tragedy and sadness that surrounds them. The crops consuming, the water blackened... His mother looks at him, still holding his hands, but now her eyes have lost their shine. She asks him something, something he can't hear but understands anyway...
While each and every one of the members of his village -of his family- die one by one, little by little, consumed by cholera.
Until he's been left standing alone in a killing field, to be claimed by a new group.
The top stops spinning.
…
Crawl beneath the earth to feel the hunger and the thirst
If you could fly and be the bird, then you would see the forest burn
He is still a child. Traveling between the different prefectures, protected by his new sisters, who take care of him, smile at him, play with him in moments of rest, and hug him when he sleeps every night. The contrast of the little heaven that lives in comparison with the hell of the reality that surrounds them, the havoc that droughts and food shortages cause in the people of Japan…. As well as the abuse of some feudal lords and the lifeless bodies in the streets...
But it's okay; as long as he's in good company, he'll be fine...
My dear, come near
Do you understand what is happening?
Kasumi then hugs him just as the leader of her group is killed along with the rest of his small entourage. His three sisters protect him until they end up giving their lives for him.
Sakura says something to him just before dying. Kenshin barely takes his eyes off the massacre to attend to his sister's words before she also disappears.
Then Seijuro Hiko is there, and he smiles at him. There are a lot of graves behind this one, graves the boy spent the night and part of the morning digging, his hands full of dirt and blood.
Shinta accepts the sword that his new master offers him.
…
Hmmmm hmmm
Who is calling me for the emergency?
Hmmmm hmmm
Who is listening to the sirens singing?
And then he trains. Constantly. He strikes the trunk of an old tree with his sword and bathes in the cold water of the waterfall.
His hands bleed; they burn even more when he washes them in the river. The memory of his deceased sister, the one he chased as a child, comes to mind, and he sheds a couple of tears. But it's okay, he tells himself. He has a roof over his head, a place to sleep, and food on his plate. And mainly, he is not alone, he reasons; while his new protector adjusts the blanket with which he covers himself at night and ruffles his hair.
He is no longer Shinta, he tells himself. He's Kenshin. And a samurai must be strong.
…
We are stood and somehow calm within the madness of the storm
With no solution for the scary, tasting pollution in the air
And he's not a kid anymore. He has grown up and feels desperate. Nightmares from his past still haunt him. His growth in his performance with the sword feels truncated and frustrated. He is too gentle, his teacher tells him. But Kenshin questions him.
He wants to be a part, he thinks, as he watches the people across the river wrap themselves up in late-winter festivals.
He feels disconnected.
And then, when he witnesses the mistreatment, that the reality of the nightmare he has lived since he was a slave is the same, he becomes frustrated that he can't do anything.
He is only a child, he claims. Cries constantly, even if his eyes are dry.
…
My dear, come near
Do you feel my hand? It is there
But then, there's a hand on his face.
Gentle. Warm.
It's the blue-eyed girl.
The same one that freed him from the whirlpool that drowned him.
It's Kaoru.
Standing in front of him, holding his face, and looking at him lovingly while smiling at him. With a silent question in her blue eyes.
…
Exhale, inhale, exhale, inhale
Exhale, inhale, exhale, inhale
Exhale, inhale, exhale, inhale
Exhale, inhale, exhale, inhale
Kaoru.
Sweet Kaoru.
Tensing the bow, her gaze concentrated and focused on her goal; that day, she practiced her shots with Kaede.
Kaoru.
Taking him by the hand to her room, offering him her own home to make it his with a smile.
Kaoru.
With a baby in her arms stained with blood, the life she had helped bring into the world. How her eyes shone with wonder and terror at the same time. How all that made her look beautiful.
Kaoru.
Training the art of the sword with him in the dojo of the sanctuary. Teaching him the difference between sword dance and dancing with a sword. Sharing the secrets of her brother's sword style.
Kaoru.
Brushing her hair before sleeping. Running her fingers through the black strands, braiding it. Her smile before saying "oyasumi (good night)", and the rhythm of her breathing while she sleeps.
Kaoru.
Chasing him through the corridors of the sanctuary with clear annoyance on her face, with the full intention of reprimanding him, after a trick he had inadvertently played on her.
Kaoru.
With her face covered in tears the night of her Kuchiyose, the night they accepted that they would walk different paths...
…
Hmmmm hmmm
Who is calling me for the emergency?
Hmmmm hmmm
Who is listening to the sirens singing?
Kaoru.
Unable to deny having promised to someone else.
"Why?"
That argument outside her chamber doors in the sanctuary, the night he'd decided he'd had enough.
The constant call to join the revolution.
…
Take from my world my home
Take from my world my home
Take from my world my home
Take from my world my home
The chaos of the battle.
The adrenaline rush of trying to stay alive. The roar of the cannons. The screams of men attacking and dying. The beat of his own heart flooded his senses.
"Kenshin"
The image of a different life.
The same Kaoru, older, more beautiful.
"I want the rurouni to stay."
Kaoru, at the river's edge on a summer night, fireflies dancing around her... and her face covered with tears.
"We will go back to Tokyo together."
Kaoru handing him a new room, clean clothes, and a comfortable futon.
Kaoru training and always with her beautiful smile.
"But Kenshin… I want to stay with you forever."
Kaoru.
With a sword piercing her chest.
…
"I didn't expect to see you here."
Kenshin jumps. Freeing himself from the whirlwind of his thoughts, he landed again on the official day of Kaoru's return to Kyoto. When all the inhabitants of the city had come out to receive her in cheers, dances, and singing.
Shinji advances towards him, unlike before, now dressed as a daimyo and a samurai.
"Not so soon, at least," the brown-haired man completes.
Kenshin barely reacts, reflecting on the boy's words. It was true that he had not gone near the sanctuary, of course. Content with his regained closeness to the blue-eyed miko, admiring her from afar while knowing she was close to his heart was more exhilarating than anything.
That's the reason why he watched her from a distance while she continued with the dance in the shrine pavilion before the eyes of the people of Kyoto.
"I couldn't miss it," he answers smiling.
Shinji nods and turns to look at Kaoru.
The miko is assisted by two new apprentices who will now be in charge of her, one of them is even older, but it is Kaoru who stands out; her steps are more accurate and fluid, her posture is firmer, and her smile is much more confident than that of her companions.
"Without a doubt, a magnificent image," notes the chestnut.
Kenshin couldn't agree more.
"Aa."
Shinji then analyzes him out of the corner of his eye. From the relaxed posture to the sweet smile and the warm look, full of affection and admiration; it becomes clear that Himura has his intentions set on Inari's priestess.
'This will be difficult,' he thinks. But he knows that it must be done anyway. "Kaoru dono told me that you two met shortly before she was accepted into the sanctuary." He says suddenly.
The redhead is barely distracted for a moment from the image of his friend, smiles even more when he remembers that fact.
"It was a chance meeting," he says.
"Was it?" Inquires Shinji, with some humor.
Kenshin nods with the same laugh. After a pause, the child continues.
"I met her a year later."
"I know. -Comments the samurai. -It was the first psychic mission outside the sanctuary."
Shinji looks genuinely surprised to hear that.
"Did she tell you?"
Kenshin nods; still smiling.
His partner considers it for a moment. It was no secret that both teens -Kenshin and Kaoru- were close enough to be considered as inseparable at some point; but how close they had been was only guesswork.
It was also something he should take advantage of, he told himself.
"I guess that makes things easier," he murmured.
The samurai then reacts; something in the brunette's words screams like an alarm.
"What?" -He asks.
However, Shinji doesn't explain himself, instead continuing with what he has come to report.
"Tell me, do you also know about omiai (arranged marriage)?"
It is a brief moment in which the redhead's heart almost falls to the ground, and he barely manages to keep hanging on a thin rope.
He knew, of course. During that time at the shrine, Kaoru had opened up to him about her frustrations about others' expectations of her, including politics.
"…Aa." He answers uncertainly, averting his gaze.
His instinct tells him that there is a purpose to that conversation. One that he wants to avoid with all his might. Because even if he doesn't know what it is, he understands to some degree where that is going and what he may end up losing...
Regardless of the change in his mood, Shinji remains oblivious to it.
"It was something short, to tell the truth, never really arranged." He confesses. "Although my brother, Akira, did everything to make my relationship with Kaoru dono bear fruit, we were both quite stubborn. It even seemed that the interested party was Akira and not me."
Mutism.
Kenshin frowns. It is as if a lightning bolt had split him in half.
He had not been blind -despite his gentle and naive essence- before the interest that more than one man had shown in his friend, much less in noticing that the treatment that Akira gave her was special. Although he hadn't met him until the pre-Kuchiyose retreat, he had heard quite a bit from Kaoru herself. The emotion with which she spoke of the brunette was a thorn that always bothered his chest, although at that time he wasn't sure why, now he couldn't pretend he didn't know the reason.
"But then," Shinji continues, "when Akira had to leave for Edo, and we were suddenly alone, it seemed like something might finally happen." He ends with a smile.
Shinji smiles, too entertained by his own memories, it seems as if he found amusement in that lost opportunity between him and Kaoru, one that the samurai was unaware of and that, moreover, had occurred during their separation time. Kenshin finds such a performance repulsive.
And yet, he can't help his curiosity.
"What prevented it?" He questions with overtones of cynicism.
Shinji pauses, long enough for his partner to look at him and give him their full attention. When this finally occurs, the daimyo finally answers.
"You." He declares.
And it is as if someone or something had suddenly frozen the samurai. His heart is pounding in his chest, and his bam, bam resounds in his ears. He doesn't know exactly what he's feeling but he definitely doesn't like it.
"She chose you." Shinji continued.
Anger, Kenshin decides, he'll go for anger. The chestnut's words are a mockery to him, almost an offense. He murmurs between a grimace that could well be a smile.
"She chose the sanctuary." He says.
And it's clear how much that hurts.
"No. You're wrong." Rebuts Shinji, passive. "She chose you." And it is in his face that Kenshin can see that the daimyo is not lying to him, much less making fun of him.
The next thing he says ends up breaking his soul.
"That's why now that the omiai has finally been arranged, you should keep it in mind."
"What?" He can barely talk.
There is a whirlwind of words clinging to his throat, fighting to get out, and none of them making it. His mind, which should decide his next thought, is a sea of confusion and anguish that he barely understands what he has heard.
Shinji continues without the slightest hint of empathy.
"The commitment between the Kiyosato house and the Inari Shrine has been arranged." He declares. "Yes, you heard correctly, the union is with the Sanctuary and not with the house to which Kaoru belonged. Since she is a miko consecrated to the sanctuary, it is expected, right?
Kenshin takes a false step back. It seems he is about to stumble to the ground but he manages to stop. But the blow he has received and how much it hurts him is evident.
"I thought she told you." Adds the chestnut.
-She didn't. Kenshin answers, his voice barely a whisper.
His heart, which had barely gotten a beating again three days ago, cries with the intensity of a thousand banshees.
He had thought he was closer to her.
He had thought this time he could have her...
"Himura. I'm telling you this for your own good." The daimyo urges him again.
Kenshin barely hears him, he doesn't even see him anymore. His face has fallen, and his eyes are lost in some distant point on the ground. He feels disconnected for that moment, plunged into a deep sea.
"Define your place with her. Do not remain as a doubt any longer." Shinji declares forcefully.
And something in his words has managed to make a dent in the psyche of the samurai. Something that slowly begins to pull him out of that despair that has been invading him.
"Define my place?" He inquires.
"She is now a public figure with all that represents, and in the rebellion that is coming, she also has political influence. If you really want to protect her, you won't take such careless steps in acting as a samurai."
What Shinji is saying to him obviously points to what happened a year ago. But how did he know?
"What are you talking about?" He questions carefully.
Shinji seems to want to bite his tongue, but it's too late, he reminds himself. He needs Himura to join the game he is preparing; his plan cannot advance without his participation.
"Your intervention during her ascent... will not happen again unless you define your place next to her. For your own good, but mainly for hers. Do you understand what I say?"
Kenshin swallows hard.
"Define if you will fight." It was what he was actually telling him. So, Kaoru had entered the game, he told himself.
His hands clenched into fists.
"Tell me something." He demands. "Will it be you?"
Shinji can't help but laugh, after all, not only his father but also Akira had asked the same.
"No." He says at last. "It won't be me."
Why Kenshin feels relieved, he can't really define; but he thinks that perhaps it is easier to get rid of someone for whom Kaoru has no affection, and the implications of this thought send shivers down his spine...
For all the wrong reasons...
"One more thing," Shinji says, "perhaps you should clarify your position with your master as well. Now that Kaoru dono is engaged, he will no longer be able to roll dice with her fate."
About five hours have passed when the doctor and his assistants have finally finished treating the young samurai. But it is too soon for relief to be breathed in the room. Only Sozo and Sanosuke remain in the room where the redhead lies.
"Will it be enough?" Sozo asks with genuine concern.
And it has nothing to do with the success of his rebellion - although he does not deny the worth of such a soldier - but with a sincere affection for that boy with the sad smile who has inspired his compatriots with his splendid performance, but above all, for the heart said the boy has.
The doctor sighs.
"For now, we can't do more than keep the wound clean and give him rest," he answers. "As well as keeping him hydrated while he's unconscious."
To his relief, the boy's breathing is regular, and there are no signs of the fever that had held him captive hours ago.
"Do you think he'll wake up?" Asks Sanosuke, in all his qualities as a child.
Sozo scolds him with his eyes, but the boy barely pays attention to him.
The doctor smiles sympathetically.
"He will. If all goes well, he will." He assures, giving his patient a look, then his face becomes sad. "And even if not… -because there was always that possibility- he will wake up one last time at least."
One last time before he dies...
Sanosuke shifts uncomfortably and goes to his teacher.
"Shouldn't we inform the sanctuary?"
Sozo considers it for a moment while watching Kenshin's figure rest on the tatami; soon -when they consider it prudent- they will move him from the room and lay him down on a futon, or at least something much more comfortable than the floor.
Thinking of his student's request, it's not that he wants to keep the boy's condition hidden, but it's no secret that Kenshin had asked from the beginning to remain incognito, if anything, because of his relationship with the high miko Kaoru dono, the princess of Kyoto as she was now called.
And yet...
"Send a letter as soon as possible," he orders the minor.
"Hai Sagara Taichou (captain)"
Sanosuke runs off the next instant.
It is then that Sozo heads to the doctor.
"Thank you very much for supporting us," he says, looking contrite. "I understand the risk you run by lending us your house as part of one of the clans most loyal to the shogun, Dr. Gensai."
The doctor, a man in his late forties, smiled understandingly.
"Don't thank me," he replies. "My loyalty is first with my family before with the government." He assures, looking at his patient again. "Besides, Kamiya san wouldn't forgive me for leaving his daughter's favorite abandoned."
This time Sozo smiles too.
...
It is the next day when the fever attacks the samurai's body. It is then that the nightmares haunt him. It is a jump between one scene and another, reliving different interconnected experiences and jumping from one character to another.
He's remembering how and why he got to where he is.
That night, after Kaoru's presentation ended, long after his conversation with Shinji; he had gone to his master.
His mind had been in chaos, a storming crash of thoughts and pent up emotions. It was not the first time he returned to his teacher in such a condition, but it was the first time he did not completely seek comfort...
He had been immersed in a conversation with himself while remaining equally silent; multiple consciences that debated with each other.
The emptiness and suffocation that squeezed his chest, his person, and that destroyed and assembled different images of himself.
But above all those emotions, resentment stood out as a tyrant.
That night, it seemed his master knew his intentions in advance, as if he were always informed when and how many steps he would take and in which direction. He felt like laughing; after all, hadn't he always been like this?
"So the day finally comes." Hiko declared when he saw him, he was sitting in front of a small fire; his figure looked haughty despite being in a reclining pose, arms on thighs and body leaning slightly forward, expression grim and calculating.
Those gray eyes shone with cruel judgment in them.
"You are leaving." He stated.
Kenshin felt like hitting him then.
…
Because that could only lead him to the reason for his annoyance... Remembering Kaoru's smile while dancing, the sparkle in her eyes full of mysticism, her figure flowing with the music... Kenshin could have sworn he had been in front of a goddess.
And even now, without the makeup and clothes, with a simple yukata and shawl covering her, she still looked as magnificent as she was on the stage.
"You looked beautiful," he had said, not fully aware he had done it.
"Kenshin!" She answered, startled to hear him but much more pleased to find him there, in such a private and intimate place, and feel him part of it.
For Kenshin, the miko's open smile ached to the very core of his soul. 'How can you smile when our history fragments again?' He thought.
"Did you enjoy the dance?" She asked, happily advancing towards him but stopping when she noticed his mood. "Kenshin?"
He loved her.
He could finally confess it and accept it openly, even if it was only with himself for the moment... and precisely because of this, he was unable to contain the feelings rushing in his chest, the immense desire to break down right there and cry.
…
It had been, in a certain way, these feelings that had convinced him to move at last, and enter the political game that would define the destiny of Japan. Deciding to take a step forward in his destiny, he chose a path.
He could no longer remain still, much less in the face of the events that were about to unfold...
Needless to say, Katsura had been surprised to discover him inside even his private office. Both, he and his escort that night -Makoto Shishio- stared in disbelief and astonishment at the young samurai who was sitting calmly in the middle of the room, in front of Katsura's desk, with his back to the newcomers.
"Himura-kun!" Exclaimed the dark-haired man.
Kenshin gave him a look over his shoulder.
"This is a surprise." Said Katsura as he silently instructed Shishio to stand guard outside.
Shishio nodded, giving the redhead a meaningful look before leaving the room; the corners of his lips turned up in the hint of a smile.
"To what do I owe your visit?" He questioned after being left alone with the young samurai while sitting behind his desk.
Kenshin then, passive and determined, had looked him straight in the eye.
"There's only one reason I could be here," he declared, knowing there would be no going back.
Katsura Kogoro felt thrilled at the implications of the young samurai's words.
…
How ironic! The redhead had thought. Whether for one reason or another, as long as he used the sword, he would always end up taking someone's life. Was the reason behind the action important enough to determine whether it was good or bad?
For his master, at least, it had been like that, he reminded himself.
It was impossible to think otherwise, noticing the finality with which the man addressed him.
"I suppose I have to give you credit for holding out until now, but the truth is that it's still a disappointment." Declared the major.
His eyes flicked to the flames of the fire. But Kenshin, who had the marks of a fragmented heart, could barely make out the entire scene. The resentment was much more stronger.
"When were you planning to tell me?" He questioned his teacher.
The aforementioned frowned, not entirely sure what his disciple was referring to.
"What? That you were a disappointment?" Inquired his master sarcastically as usual.
But Kenshin wouldn't accept any of that.
Not now.
Not anymore.
"Your plan," he says, his voice gravelly, and there's a tinge of pain to his words. "Your plan for me and Kaoru dono, when did you plan to tell me?"
And it is in the look that the younger direct to him that Hiko finds and understands the boy's question. It's the emotion that shines in those amethyst pupils that ends up convincing him of his own failure.
…
Kaoru had reacted in the same way.
"Is it true?" Kenshin pressed before his friend's silence.
The miko's body shook in slight tremors. She opened and closed her mouth once and twice, and on the third time—when she seemed to have come up with a reasonable explanation—only his name left her lips.
"Kenshin…" Like a prayer.
Almost as if she was begging him to understand.
The boy grimaced as he tried to contain the emotion that wanted to burst out of his throat, held it back and swallowed until he returned it to his chest where the wound grew.
"Don't make me say it." He whispered in a strangled voice. "Please… just say yes or no."
For an instant, it seemed that Kaoru would debate him again, but in the end, she ended up resigning herself.
"I'm sorry, Kenshin…" She said.
Although the anguish that was also surrounding her was evident, the young samurai then, hurt and annoyed by her response, could not retain his words.
"When you spoke of being a lie, did you mean this?" He spat.
"No!" she answered.
After everything they had shared and how much they had been open with each other in the previous days, it was obvious that those interactions had been honest.
But broken hearts don't understand reasons...
…
And even so…
"Will you be my hitokiri (assassin)?" Katsura had asked, not bothering to hide the emotion he felt in his words.
Kenshin looked down at his hands for a moment before answering.
"No." He declared firm, and he was able to notice the moment in which the older man was intimidated. "I have no intention of becoming so visceral," he explained.
Katsura's posture straightened again, receding that forward lean he had inadvertently done a moment ago. His face became serious again.
"What are you looking for then?" He asked.
Kenshin clenched his hands; this was the moment.
"An honest confrontation," he said.
The man understood instantly, though not without some surprise. The young samurai did not want to be a shadow agent; he wanted the honor of battle.
"You want to fight in the open."
"Aah (yes)."
Katsura frowned, then shook his head. While he loved Himura for his swordsmanship - which was above his clan, Shishio included - fighting in the open sometimes depended even more on luck than skill itself.
One false step, and it would all be over. Katsura denied it again.
"It's even much more dangerous; I couldn't risk losing my best soldier."
"Yes, you can." Kenshin interrupted him, leaving the man momentarily speechless. "Especially when that soldier will help you level the scales."
"Could it be?" Katsura questioned.
It was a big bet, that if he won, he would make a notable advance in the rebellion - defeating entire armies was better than small clandestine encounters - but if he lost...
Could he really take that risk? He asked himself.
…
The expression in the man's dark eyes was so similar to his master's. Yes. They both had calculating eyes. The look of a man who sees life as a game of cards, and is planning what step to take, but also who calculates the movements of those around him.
"You found out." Hiko declared, more to himself than to his pupil.
Well, at least he wasn't denying it. Kenshin balled his hands into fists.
"Was it all a machination of yours?" he demanded to know raising his voice an octave. "A part of your plan to make me your perfect successor?"
Hiko sighed angrily.
"Why are you surprised? It is part of the work that the teacher does."
"Including the deceptions?" Kenshin interrupted him. "And don't you dare tell me you have never deceived me. You have moved me at will, calculating each of my steps."
The man allows himself a pause, a small silence in which his grim expression finally reflects an emotion.
"It was necessary for your growth," he explains.
But his voice hasn't been harsh as always, but an empty echo of what it was before, as if he himself recognized that he wasn't sure of his own motives.
…
Just like Kaoru. She couldn't hold his gaze that night. So resigned and reluctant to explain, as if she somehow expected him to let it go.
But how could he? There was no way unless she reneged on everything...
"Tell me then that you didn't accept an omiai," he ordered.
Kaoru, if anything, withdrew further into herself. Hurt by what the boy's words represented, the reproachful tone in them.
"It's not what you think," she said instead.
Kenshin felt anger then.
"And what exactly do I think?" He refuted raising his voice. "The way things are, you're the only one who has moved with a map here."
"That's not fair," she countered with equal force.
"Is it not?" He questioned with a smile. A broken smile that cut off any response from her. "Certainly. But it doesn't matter; you refuse to tell me what you saw."
"Kenshin…" She pleaded. In the inflection of her voice, she asked him to understand, not to question the events that led to their first farewell.
But the boy was too hurt, upset even.
"Why?" he demanded to know, emotion alive in his voice. 'You could have run with me…' His eyes said.
They were both crying at this point.
"The sanctuary..."
"Is that all you care about?!" He cut her off again, his words a claim in the form of a sob. A katana that split her in two.
Kaoru would have wanted to tell him many things, to explain to him calmly, in another way, at a more suitable moment... but she had let the opportunity pass during those three previous days. There was so much to share, that speaking of what her duties dictated—of her current precarious situation in the sanctuary—had seemed the wrong thing to do.
If only they had more time...
If only she had been the one to tell him...
If only the two of them had talked about their feelings... Confessed to having recognized the beating of the other's heart and the music they created when they were together...
If only…
"I'm giving you my heart -Kenshin declared with a broken voice- …My soul together with my life, and still… You decide to throw everything into the void. Why!? Why don't you accept me!?"
'I wish I could' sobbed the miko's heart.
But there were things that she was no longer allowed to confess out loud. No matter how much her silence will cost them...
And even if the samurai was capable of detecting such feelings in the young woman's expression, in her tear-stained face and her body withdrawn into itself, trembling, like a wounded animal… That silence represented only rejection.
"Am I so unworthy of you?"
…
"That girl has a devotion that you lack," Hiko stated almost as if answering the question. His eyes have a distant, almost sad tinge. "You knew this, and you envied her for it. That was the real reason you stayed with her in the beginning. You wanted to learn from her."
The man's eyes then connect again with those of his pupil, who looks at him suspiciously, with an expression full of resentment.
"I'm not as vain as you make me out to be," he said.
Hiko gave a short laugh, almost a sneer.
"You said it yourself." He reminded him. "You have never chosen something of your own volition. You have a gentle heart, too gentle even for a samurai, yet, it's that heart that led me to choose you." Hiko pauses then to let his words take root in his student's consciousness. "A free sword, Kenshin, should not have its own aspirations."
"Then why?" Kenshin insists, almost growling. "Why did you send me there?"
"Why are you so sure it was me?" Refutes his master with some annoyance. "You give me more credit than I deserve. I'm just a man, not a kami (god)."
Kenshin swallows with difficulty; his hands - still clenched into fists - tremble at the effort he makes to control his emotions.
"The day I went down the mountain, you showed me the path to follow" He explains, irritated at having to face his teacher in that way. "One last request that as a student I had to fulfill if I remember correctly. But when they heard about me in the sanctuary, no one except Kaoru dono, reacted to my presence; almost as if they had been waiting for me to arrive."
Mutism.
Without accepting or denying anything, Hiko just looks at him in silence, which only ends up encouraging the minor.
"Maybe you're not a kami, but you're not just any man. You planted the idea that I should continue in that direction, and you omitted to mention the sanctuary knowing that if you did, I would probably be more reluctant to enter it. During that last month, you had controlled the attacks of the ronin; you knew that there would be a group waiting for me when I went down. Perhaps you did not control the entire event, but you certainly did not make a blind bet."
His teacher's gaze has hardened at his student's words. Neither of them has broken contact.
"You knew," the younger growled.
Hiko scoffs, still looking at him and not changing his expression.
"You'll have to be clearer than that."
"You knew that my relationship with Kaoru was destined to fail!" Kenshin explodes.
Tired of talking around the bush, of not being given a clear answer, Kenshin finally snaps.
His face is a poem of anger, but it is an anger-filled with anguish and disappointment. An expression so sincere that his master cannot afford not to respond.
And he responds with the same emotion.
"Is that really what motivates you to leave?" He questions him, finally standing up. "Yes, I knew about the sad outcome that your story would have with the girl from the sanctuary; even a blind man could see it. We live in a world of castes; what did you expect? That she would run with you to a life of vagabonds?" He questions cynically, a clear blow to the boy in front of him, who takes a false step backward. "Where would be the honor in the life you planned to offer her? You were just playing, both of you were. - he grunts. -But at least she had the decency to admit it."
'So he had talked to her' Kenshin understands, feeling even more furious at that abrupt confession.
"You provoked many of those interactions." The redhead accuses him. "And not once did you warn me of my steps."
"I differ on that." Hiko cuts him off. "I may not have given you the complete answers, but I did point you to the result. That you were blind to what was in front of you is entirely your fault."
Each word is a blow that hits him square in the chest, but it is this same damage that motivates him to continue fighting.
Because he is injured, he must defend himself even with his teeth.
"You were never clear about that," he growls.
Because he hadn't. Even if the man had hinted at Kenshin and Kaoru's situation, the truth had been that he had never given him a direct warning. He had planted him in the middle of the experience and abandoned him instantly after.
He could apologize, Hiko is aware of this. But it doesn't go with him.
"Did you expect me to give you a manual then?"
And ends up making fun of it instead.
"That would only have hindered the experience," he says.
The boy takes the step forward again that he had backed down. Each new confession hurts him more than the previous one and, at the same time, unnerves him.
"You were planning to let me fall then. And then what? A few words of reflection and then move on? It wasn't just me that you manipulated!" He accused him.
For a second, his teacher's determination gives way. A brief and ephemeral second in which he finally recognizes the scope of his machinations, the contradiction of his own actions and words. How he seems to have motivated and discouraged his pupil alike.
Then discards such feelings.
"You have the right to be angry, furious even. But understand that it is my duty as your teacher to seek certain situations; situations that will test you; that will strengthen your soul and your spirit. I can't afford to have a mediocre student as my successor."
Kenshin can't help but laugh. A laugh that is barely one, dry and cynical... hurt.
"And that was all you wanted to achieve." Kenshin scoffs.
A comment that the older one receives as an insult.
"What are you insinuating kozo (boy)?"
It is at this point that his student's ki changes.
It's a fierce and cruel look that he dedicates to his master, and the older one discovers a different man in front of him. Amethyst irises shine with golden reflections. It's a staring fight, being that of his student the sharpest -honest even in his fury- is Hiko who ends up breaking contact for the first time.
"I am not going to deny that there was a point at which I motivated you to follow her. -He gives in at last. -Having a man's heartbroken, Kenshin, generates a catharsis that defines his character. In this case, yours as a man and as a samurai. In addition, it finally gives way to your isolation from the rest of the world. We don't belong."
The wood creaks then, momentarily cutting the tension in the environment.
The boy wants to understand his teacher's intentions; to believe that there really was a sincere interest in helping him grow... But he cannot forget all those times when the man was incongruent with his actions towards him.
Why motivate his approach with Kaoru?
Was it just for the experience? A test of character?
Even when the older man knew that his feelings hadn't been intermittent?
Even when he had been about to ask him to take her with him?
Had it all been an act? And what for?
All those advices, those conversations when the nightmares followed one another after the attack on the sanctuary, had not been empty, of that Kenshin was sure...
Nevertheless...
"Even if I can tolerate the brief interactions and clashes of character, I can't tolerate cruelty," Kenshin tells him.
And that is a thorn that has managed to reach the heart of the master of the Hiten Mitsurugi. A wound so deep that he feels the need to avoid it.
"I'm tired of this," he blurts out irritably, but there's another emotion struggling in his chest. "I don't understand what you are trying to achieve with such claims."
Why didn't he understand? Kenshin thought.
Why couldn't he really be a guide? A support?
Why couldn't he see him as something more than a project?
Had he been the only one with such feelings?
…
Why was it someone else from whom he received such understanding?
Kenshin sighed tiredly, forcing himself to remain calm but firm in front of who would soon become his new guardian.
Back then, Katsura was looking at him with all his attention and respect, attentive to the boy's words, eager to understand him.
Why hadn't his teacher been the same?
Did he consider him so weak that he wasn't even worth helping?
"Himura?" Called the leader of the Chosu clan after the silence that had suddenly enveloped the young samurai.
His voice, however, manages to awaken Kenshin to the reality of the moment, and he answers the next instant.
"I'm not going to fool myself into believing that my cause is the only just one, the only one with the right to survive," he explains. "But I have something to protect, the happiness of a person valuable to me. So I have decided to finally intervene."
Katsura takes a moment to consider the boy's words; then, he tries to adjust them to his own interests, combining them with his to be able to mutually benefit from that relationship.
It isn't long before he decides on the right spot for the redhead.
"You will go with the Sekihota then. -He informs him. -I think that for now, it is the group that best suits your ideals, Himura."
Internally Kenshin sighed in relief.
"Something else. -Added the redhead. -I need to remain incognito."
The brunette wrinkles his face, confused.
"Why?"
The young samurai looks down, his eyes going to where his friend's blue ribbon still holds his swords.
He was about to confess a secret, and his heart danced with anxiety and fear.
"I do not plan to break my relationship with the sanctuary." He finally declares, managing to surprise his host, his fingers dancing on the fabric. "So I can't compromise the safety of its members. And seeing that it is an ally of the idealists, I am sure that you will not impede my request."
The gaze on the man darkens. The trial that is taking place in his mind then is evident, all the connections that he manages to discover at that moment thanks to the boy's confession.
By then, the omiai between the shrine and the Kiyosato house - who is one of the shogun's most loyal clans - is already something known to the Japanese nobility. However, Katsura knew of the relationship between Kaoru and Kenshin thanks to Momiji's letter, so he understood that it was Kaoru that he did not plan to abandon.
"What will you do once the conflict in Mito ends?" He asks instead. "It is obvious that the shogun has the winning hand for now."
"I have not decided yet. But…" Kenshin pauses, allowing himself to bow to his host, hands and forehead glued to the ground. "If you allow me, I could remain within your escort. For now, I need to stay -with her- in Kyoto."
Katsura smiles.
He may not have succeeded in making Kenshin his assassin, but he has succeeded in gaining him as something much better and bigger.
An ally. One that may lead the way to a new era.
"Very good. I'll make the preparations" He nods.
Kenshin raises his face. His eyes have widened in disbelief at the ease with which he has managed to have his demands met. Katsura's smile—so cool and understanding—is a contrast to his master's smirk.
Why? he asks again.
Why couldn't he receive the same treatment? The same confidence? The same pride?
…
It was a feeling that coiled in his chest before growing and invading the rest of his body. Like a vine full of thorns with the sole purpose of disappearing its host, of burying him...
"If you plan to leave, do it at once," continued the older man. "But don't you dare blame me for the consequences of your own decisions."
"Why?" Kenshin keeps questioning.
-It's just me and my master.- He had said almost two years ago, when he had his second meeting with Kaoru. Then those words had felt so sincere, so real and true, that he hadn't the slightest doubt that he could consider his teacher as his family.
'Then why?'
"You sent me there hoping I'd come back with a broken heart," he mutters under his breath, words wrung out that Hiko can barely hear and understand.
The man refuses to turn to look at him. Being able to read the ki of his student -someone who is also innocent and honest in his essence- the elder understands that he would enter a fight that he would have no way of winning. Kaede herself had warned him at the beginning, if he didn't clarify what he truly wanted for his student, he would end up doing him more harm than good.
And given the wounded ring in the vibration of his ki, it was clear that the old miko had been right.
He felt guilty.
And yet...
Hiko tightened the gesture.
"I won't stay here to be judged by a boy who barely knows anything about life," he accuses with emotion. "A boy who intends to join a war with nothing but absurd ideals; clear evidence of his naivety and stupidity; and who will throw away years of teaching just to-"
"You were supposed to be my teacher!"
Silence.
A deep and terrible silence.
It is a total hoarseness that dominates Hiko, who has finally ended up looking at his student.
Kenshin, who had been getting more and more enraged at each word of his superior, has ended up confessing what really hurts him about the man in front of him. That illusion, apparently vain, in which he had given a different tint to their bond, the bond that he had believed united them.
Hiko Seijuuro is held captive by his disciple's emotions, unable to move until the latter decides he can. It is the tangle of emotions that the redhead has thrown at him in that outburst; he has received a direct hit, and his chest hurts as if his heart were squeezing...
Agony.
Seeing the face of his student bathed in tears. Tears that still slide down the minor's face. His hands, clenched into fists, tremble slightly from the effort he makes to contain that explosion of feelings.
"You were supposed to warn me..." He whispers. "I trusted you..."
And it's not the word teacher that Kenshin has shouted in that claim. No. That claim of abandonment could only be made to a father...
"But if it was me who misunderstood everything then..." Kenshin murmurs, face drooping, sad smile, almost non-existent.
Silence...
"Father." Hiko thinks. "You was supposed to be my father."
And his heart still breaks despite his self-imposed order to be oblivious to feelings.
The boy takes that moment to wipe his face. It is as if after that scream he had been able to vent everything he had contained, which now makes him feel exhausted.
"So I guess, in a way, you won; you got what you wanted." He declares without looking at him. Trembling with anxiety, he feels insecure.
There's a laugh in his words that sounds broken and tired. When his face finally lifts, and his eyes meet his master's, the latter feels the full blow as he is confronted with his pupil's broken expression.
"Kaoru may have broken my heart." He says with a sad smile. "But it was you who shattered it."
His teacher would like to laugh then, mock both the boy's words and the emotions that shine through them, be cynical as is his habit and tell him to stop being so dramatic. Make him see reason and turn the page, making less of that pathetic explosion of emotions...
But he can not…
He is unable to...
He can't simply because the boy in front of him is important to him. He can't because he cares about him.
He can't because he loves him.
And by hurting him, he has ended up hurting himself.
"Kenshin…" he murmurs in such a low voice that he can't even understand the name he has said, lost in the echo of the emptiness he feels.
The boy straightens up, hands firm by his sides, his face emptied of all emotion. He then bows down to take a bow.
"For everything you have taught me so far I am grateful." He declares. "I'm sorry I can't continue my training."
For Hiko it is as if his heart had fallen to the ground.
The young man straightens up again, but his face does not rise again, he refuses to take one last look at his superior. His eyes remain fixed on a distant point.
"Sayonara, Hiko Seijuuro."
The rest is a blurry and confused memory. He had come down the mountain straight to the sanctuary. On his way to continue connecting the dots, his steps led him to his next point and, perhaps, the most important of all.
Kaoru.
…
Sweet Kaoru.
"Am I so unworthy for you?"
Unreachable Kaoru.
"Kenshin, that's not it!" She had refuted, with such emotion that Kenshin almost felt compelled to believe her.
However, after his encounter with Shinji and his confrontation with who had been his teacher, it was impossible for him to remain blind to what was in front of him.
His gaze sharpened.
"What am I supposed to believe in the face of your constant rejection?"
"I do care for you." She said instantly.
Her eyes didn't lie but...
"You have to believe me -she begged- there is a reason why I am doing this, and although everything has to do in a certain way with the sanctuary, it is not only for the benefit of it."
The samurai looks at her, analyzes her. Despite how hurt and angry he feels, he is not a cruel man nor he is a fool. Shinji had even told him so and he, albeit grudgingly, understood.
'She chose you.'
Then the emotion is different, and his look becomes wounded.
"Why didn't you trust me?"
-...
Kaoru struggles with the words, plunged into an anguish that seems to have no end.
-She has a devotion that you lack- His teacher had told him.
"It's not that I don't. It's just that I'm more aware now."
She is more conscious... After his conversation with Hiko, Kenshin deduces, finally understanding what they surely would have discussed. The conversation that had convinced her to accept the omiai.
"Were you going to tell me? -He questions with a broken voice- Do you promise?"
"Yes," she answers without hesitation. Hopeful perhaps that he will forgive her.
'But it's just that to begin with,' Kenshin says to himself, 'I was never mad at you, not really.'
Because after that conversation in the well he understood how much she had suffered that last year... How selfish he had been in thinking he had been the only one injured.
Because after their conversation at that inn, how could he reproach her for anything? after she openly excused his mistakes, even confessing how important he was to her?
'I was furious with myself,' he admits. 'Why couldn't I move forward like you? Decide on my path and follow it with determination? I still hesitate!'
'Except from you...'
'You've been the only one...'
The samurai, who is finally able to recognize that there are no injustices towards him, but simply actions that in one way or another have ended up affecting him, decides at that moment to stop moving in a circle and move forward no matter what he has to leave behind. ..
'If my heart is to break, I at least want to be the one to crush it in my own hands.' He admits. 'I do not wish to stain the memory of Kaoru dono with the tinges of my own selfishness.'
'I don't want to imprison her...' He finally concludes with a certain calm.
And it's Kaoru now who trembles.
"What are you doing?"
Because Kenshin's hands have gone to where the blue ribbon -her blue ribbon- clings to both swords at his waist. With fluid movements, the redhead undoes the knots and refastens the katanas with the bow of the obi.
"I don't think it's necessary to continue exchanging presents," the redhead declares, folding the thin blue cloth.
That ribbon that she offered him the afternoon of his Kuchiyose.
...
"I won't be able to use it anymore."
She had told him just before climbing into the palanquin.
"I wish you had it with you, as a selfish wish that you could at least have something to remember me by."
He had accepted it then, and exchanged it for that wooden toy that had been the only thing that had accompanied him from his old village, his old home.
"I wish I could receive the same favor from your excellency." He had answered, acknowledging the position she would now hold.
Both had exchanged presents with sad smiles, accepting them as a balm that would numb the wound.
A little over a year had passed since then, and yet it felt like it had only been a couple of days.
...
"I'm not a fool. -He went on. -Even if it hurts me, I understand the position you're in... but I've decided that I don't have to pay for it."
He has also decided to go his own way, this time being him who sets the limits in his relationship with her.
But the miko is already denying with her whole body before even releasing her answer in words.
"No... Kenshin..." She says in a choked voice. "I don't want this," she refutes.
The young samurai seems not to listen to his words. After stroking the blue cloth one last time, he lifts it up in front of him.
"Return what is mine," he asks.
Kaoru denies it again, shrinking into herself. She hugs herself by squeezing the left sleeve of her yukata, where the top resides.
"I can't… I won't," she declares, shaking her head.
Kenshin frowns.
"Do not make it more difficult," he asks with a mixture of emotions that are not decided between annoyance and irritation, sadness and despair. "I'm not cutting you out of my life," he declares with difficulty, "I'm simply marking the limits of my relationship with you. You must understand it better than anyone."
And she does. Kaoru understands the last thing she wants is to hurt him... But that's not what she denies.
"I won't return it," she declares, still firm despite her tears, hugging herself tighter. "You're still my friend."
"I don't want to be your friend!" Kenshin shouts. "I want more... But you..."
She keeps denying it.
"I can't return it..." She sobs.
"Kaoru," he snarls at her, "I can no longer be seen with you in the sanctuary. If I'm going to join the fight... -He gets desperate -Understand!
She continues to deny it, this time closing her eyes like a girl throwing a tantrum.
"Kaoru!"
"I will not give up on you!" She shouts.
...
And Kenshin, whose heart is still tied to hers, is in front of the miko in a matter of a second... Just a quick and fluid movement so characteristic of the style he practices.
A reacted instinctively to her words, enraged and annoyed that the young woman does not recognize what he already knows. But more than anything, he had unconsciously reacted to the confession he had been waiting to hear.
...
The young priestess barely has time to give a small start at the immediate presence of her companion ahead of her, invading her personal space...
With his face so close to her own... With emotions on the surface...
...
Kenshin looks her straight in the eyes; there is no lie or deceit in those blue orbs, as deep as the sky itself.
Kaoru doesn't reject him; she accepts him almost immediately, liking the sight of his violet eyes.
"It's me you want," he declares, not without a certain annoyance, annoyed by her constant coming and going.
But then...
"Ah!"
His eyes widen like saucers.
Because Kaoru, for once, hasn't looked away from him, but has straightened and sharpened her gaze, accepting the challenge, whatever her friend's verdict.
It is only then that his mind has finally understood his own words...
And what they infer.
"…It's me you want!" He declares almost incredulous.
...
Almost.
...
"Ah!"
It is now Kaoru's turn to be surprised, seeing herself wrapped in the samurai's arms.
And this hug is different from all those others that they had shared. The difference is there, and it is clear.
It's in the way they fit, like two puzzle pieces that fit together, complementing each other.
It's in the way his hands cling to her and pull her to him at the same time. In his face finding refuge in the curve of the young woman's neck, at the time he breathes it.
Everything in this exudes intimacy.
And it is that the joy that he feels is so great... that he can barely contain himself.
"It's me you want!" He sobs in relief, pulling himself closer to her.
And the smile that adorns his lips is clean and honest.
A/N: Wow... There goes my sleeping hours...