January 8, 2009
AWK-WWARD!
Remember last week, when I asked Ally if she had ever been in love? Her parents confronted me about it today. Okay I wouldn't say they 'confronted' me because they were nice about it but our conversation went something like this:
Mr & Mrs D corner innocent ol' me in my kitchen when I'm home alone. They have our house keys because my parents are always out so they'll always pop by to check on me whenever I'm home alone.
"Can I help you, Lester & Penny?" asks the charming twelve year old man (AKA me).
"We know your secret," Penny says with a knowing smirk on her face.
"You like our Ally!" Lester squeals girlishly. Penny facepalmed herself while I stood there, stunned.
I was like, shitity shitty shit. I was literally freaking out, bro. How on earth did they – did they – does she – huh? I still don't get it.
"It's okay, we haven't told her," Penny says, reassuring me as she placed a hand on my shoulder.
And then they forced me to talk to them about my feelings for Ally and they promised that they wouldn't tell Ally about it.
And then as they left, they screamed, "GO AUSLLY!"
Yeah, Mr & Mrs D's parenting ways are pretty unorthodox. Mine too. Mom and Dad want me to be the heir of their stupid mattress kingdom. And by 'mattress kingdom', they mean puny a mattress store tucked away in the nightclub district of Miami. Pfft, no way José, I'm going to make awesome music and be like the Coach's son. Yeah, apparently his name is Justin Bieber – I googled him the other day. He has this weird song called "Baby" and it seriously sucks, but all the girls love him so what the hey?
Maybe that could grab Ally's attention.
I can envision it… Ally and I walking down the red carpet to a glamorous movie premier in Hollywood movie premiere, making our big debut as a couple. The paparazzi snap shots at us and we start seeing spots due to the incessant flashing of the cameras. Ally gets scared and I comfort her by tightening my grip around her waist, letting everyone know that Ally-D was taken and that she was mine.
And if Ally was still scared, I would give her a big wet smooch on the lips. You can thank me later, Perez Hilton.
Only in my wildest dreams. Ally still treats me like her big brother. Just because I was born in the morning while she was born at night (at 2341 hours) doesn't make me any older than she is! But then again, I was born 6 minutes before Adam was and I never let him forget that I'm the big boss.
Life is so weird.
Love ya Ally Dawson. As always.
June 13, 2009
THIIIIIISSSSS SUMMMEERRRR ISSSSS BOOOORING!
For starters, I have basketball training. I love basketball but a basketball star like me sometimes needs a break from basketball too, right?
Meh.
Ally and her family went on a vacation to Brisbane. Our family would've tagged along as well, if not for the fact that both Adam and I had basketball practice. Curse you, big orange ball!
Before Ally left, Adam gave her a huge bag containing gifts and letters that he wanted her to distribute to his friends back in Brisbane. He's still a little upset about leaving all his friends behind to return to Miami but hey – we're the nation's party city!
Day 10 without Ally. T-minus 5 days before Ally returns to the States. Could time pass by any slower?
I MISS ALLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.
Whiiiipped!
That was Adam. Piss off, bitch.
I miss & love you so much, Ally Dawson. Xoxo?
September 5, 2010
We're sophomores! Finally, no more senior jerks picking on us for being 'froshies.' We're pretty popular in high school, and I have many friends from 8th through 12th grade but sometimes, being a freshman has its disadvantages as well.
Anywho, Adam and I thought of the perfect plan last night. He loves Trish, I love Ally. After reading shitloads of teen fiction stories on sites like Fictionpress and Fanfiction, Adam suggested that we act like players to make our girls jealous.
Being the responsible twin in the family, I conjured a list of pros and cons to this ridonkulous idea.
First advantage: Ally gets insanely jealous and professes her undying love for me. I'll then wrap my newly-toned arms around her small waist and kiss her until our lips turn blue.
Second advantage: Ally confronts me for being a player and tells me that she doesn't like the fact that every girl gets to touch me and she doesn't. I'll let her touch me and we'll kiss oh-so-passionately and she'll be my girlfriend, future fiancée and future wife and we'll live happily ever after.
First disadvantage: Ally hates me.
Second disadvantage: Ally thinks I'm pathetic.
Third disadvantage: Ally decides to follow suit and become a player herself.
Fourth disadvantage: Those perverts at school will think that Ally is single and start hitting on her.
Fifth disadvantage: I get STDs.
Sixth disadvantage: Ally'll tell my parents.
Seventh disadvantage: I get some slut pregnant.
Eighth disadvantage: Ally gets pregnant.
Ninth disadvantage: Ally dies.
Tenth disadvantage: I die.
Eleventh disadvantage: Adam dies.
Twelfth disadvantage: Trish dies.
Thirteenth disadvantage: Everyone dies.
So guess what my decision was?
I agreed.
This had better work out or I'll ship Adam's fugly ass back to Australia and feed him to some wallabies.
They're herbivores, doofus.
Whatever, Adam. We came up with this big idea called The To-Do List. Pretty clever, huh? If anyone asks, I named it.
No one's gonna ask mate.
Adam really needs to get a life and stop stealing my pen while I'm writing a kickass diary entry.
Basically, we'll be the players of the school. We'll hook up with girls, (pretend to) have sex with them, and make them jealous. We'll make Ally our 'planner,' where she'll set up our 'sex dates.' Pretty cool, huh?
And yes, we're only pretending to have sex with them. I'm saving my virtue for Ally Dawson, thank you very much. I don't want to spread STDs to her when we finally consummate our non-existent relationship. Plus, I can't imagine making love with anyone but her.
We're planning to break the news about the To-Do List to Ally and Trish tomorrow. They can berate us for being horny and immature pervs but I hope it'll all be worth it!
I love you, Ally.
February 8, 2011
I knew Adam's plan was shit from the very moment he brought up the very idea of it. It's been ages since we set up the To-Do List but nothing's happening! Sure, Trish and Ally yelled at us for being horny jerks and heartbreakers but they calmed down anyway, and Ally finally agreed to become our planner. We've done a couple of girls but they don't seem jealous at all!
Ugh GIRLS.
It seemed to be working for Adam, though. I could tell Trish was jealous every time we told her that Adam had plans with a girl. Ally, however, was cool as a pickle.
Ally Dawson, my heart is yours.
October 1, 2012
I wrote a ballad for Ally :) I'm going to let her know how I truly feel about her by the end of 2012.
And maybe we can have a New Year's Kiss!
She still thinks I'm a useless player. That blows, man. Hopefully I can change her opinion of me when she listens to the beautiful new ballad I wrote for her. She's sure to be mine!
I hope.
I hope you love me, Ally Dawson, because I love you so freakin' much.
November 10, 2012
The funniest shit just happened. We picked this Asian girl for my To-Do List thing and guess what? She's celibate! Lily, I think her name was. I pretended to be disappointed and it took all my willpower to refrain from bursting into laughter.
And apparently that girl's in love with Ally.
Well you're going to have to fight with me if you want Ally's heart, Lily.
I've been waiting in line for Ally's heart since December 29, 1995. It's 2012 and I still haven't won it yet. And no one's allowed to cut in line.
I'm so in love with you it's crazy, Ally Dawson.
November 16, 2012
Adam and Ally are fake-dating to make Trish jealous. Finally decided that your stupid plan wasn't working, huh, bro?
Regardless of whether it was a sham or not, I'm still insanely jealous of Adam. Would it be considered murder if I 'accidentally' slipped some concentrated sulphuric acid and roaches into my twin brother's drink?
I can't believe he's actually doing this. My own brother! My flesh and blood! Bastard. I hope Trish confesses her love to him ASAP so I can get my Ally back.
Damn I feel like a library and Ally's a library book. Heh, Ally would be in me.
Okay that was a terrible attempt at an innuendo. Well, it would've been semi-funny if my twin brother hadn't borrowed my best-friend-slash-future-girlfriend to make his female mate jealous!
Damn it Adam, go punch a kangaroo or something.
I love you so much, Ally Dawson.
November 20, 2012
I kissed Ally. Oh boy, I kissed Ally.
Her lips were so perfect and luscious and…. just… wow.
I actually did it. I kissed her!
I kinda freaked out after the kiss. We were gazing into each other's eyes lovingly after the kiss, and it was perfect. I almost thought that Ally loved me too. And then I snapped back into reality and freaked out and ran away.
Fuck I'm such a wuss. I'm a piece of shit. I kissed my best friend who obviously doesn't return my love for me.
I don't know if I'm happy or sad. Sappy, maybe?
Ally Dawson, you're the love of my life.
December 11, 2012
I fucking hate Dallas fucking Strong. That son of a bitch has had it out for me since day one and now he's finally had his revenge by making out with Ally.
WHY DID ALLY LET HIM KISS HER? DOESN'T SHE KNOW THAT HE'S BAD NEWS? DOESN'T SHE KNOW THAT SHE DOESN'T BELONG WITH HIM? DOESN'T SHE KNOW THAT SHE BELONGS WITH ME?
Great, now I sound like a masculine version of Taylor Swift.
And when she caught me glaring at her through the window, you know what she did? SHE GAVE ME THE FINGER.
As hot as bad-ass Ally was, that was the last straw for me. She doesn't love me regardless of my everlasting love for her. She will never be mine. She even set up a To-Do List of her own to counter mine. I don't know why but my worst fears have finally turned into reality.
Adam's together with Trish now. Turns out, she loves him too. Called it! And now, I'm the only one without a girlfriend. Apparently Ally has a boyfriend now.
Or maybe they're just hooking up.
That's even worse.
When school reopens next year, I'm going to beat the life out of Dallas Strong.
I'm crying as I write this right now. What will it take for Ally to love me? We kissed not once, but twice. I was a jerk again the second time.
"Sorry, teenage boy problems. Haven't gotten a good lay in ages."
Really? I'm such an idiot. She'll probably never give me another chance.
I'm performing at the Times Square ball drop in New York in less than three weeks, maybe I could make it up to her then.
I really hope she'll say yes.
Ally Dawson, if you ever read this, I love you.