Taking Back the Crown

by JCMorrigan

Mozenrath. Archibald Snatcher. Roman Torchwick. Mad Madam Mim. Yzma. The Huntsman. Wuya. Ayam Aghoul. Their mission: take over the multiverse, or look fabulous trying. Rated M for swearing, steamy implications and VERY bloody battles. Contains slash and het shipping.

39. To Cross the Ocean

A/N: Wow, Wakfu has way more lore than I realized. This fic is going to be canon as far as the main animated series and the "Eliatrope Dofus" OVAs are concerned, but divergent almost completely from the comics/manga (though incorporating a few ideas that originate there).

Also, the Mim/Rémy relationship is built on a degree of dysfunction that I would not advise for real-life relationships. A small trigger warning may be in order for that, so here it is.

39. To Cross the Ocean

The Sadida Kingdom was absolute chaos. Oakheart, Armand, and Amalia were occupied rushing this way and that, ordering their soldiers to try and find the missing clockwork at all costs. The WHAM ARMY was hustled back to their hollow-tree quarters in the time of emergency.

At which point Snatcher deemed it time to make a great escape.

"Tyrian," Roman growled the moment the door was closed on the group. "It had to be TYRIAN."

"I suppose now is when you give us a twenty-minute rant on who exactly Tyrian is and why we should all hate him," Yzma sighed.

"Actually, yes," Roman confirmed. "Now is that time."

"It'll have to wait," Snatcher interrupted. "We've an opportune window of time to make our grand getaway without any hitchhikers."

"Without hitch – " Roman repeated. "No. You picked someone up. And not in the actually-compatible-with-the-team way."

"We…may have convinced the princess it was a good idea to come along with us," Mozenrath admitted.

"YOU WHAT?" Yzma, Wuya, Mim, Aghoul, and the Smisse brothers all yelled in unison.

"Well, that's going to cause a few problems," Peter commented.

"Don't worry," Mozenrath said hurriedly. "If we get out now, we can leave her in the dust and we'll never have to see her again. So if someone could put us all back on the trolley, we can head out, see where the compass is pointing us, and listen to Roman's tirade on Tyrian."

"Already on it." Wuya flung out her hand, and a Corridor opened up.

The eleven utilized it to board their trolley, which the Huntsman set on a speeding course out of the forest.

As the WHAM ARMY trolley made its exeunt, it passed by the trolley piloted by Stork on its way into the kingdom. "We're almost here!" Yugo announced.

"I'm so excited!" Ruby squealed. "Are you excited? I'm excited!"

"Um…I wouldn't get too excited," Stork commented as he got a good look out the front window. "Everyone seems to be in a state of mass panic."

"Huh?" Sora crossed to the front to catch Stork's view.

Every Sadida visible was either frozen in a state of shock or in a hurry to get somewhere. Cra guards marched down the streets, parting to make way for the trolley.

"This isn't right," Yugo observed. "Something must have happened."

"And I'll bet Mozenrath had something to do with it," Jasmine theorized.

As the trolley neared the palace, the guards formed a blockade in front of it. "No one's getting through!" one called out.

"Let me talk to them," Yugo requested as Stork pulled the trolley into a halt.

"You sure that's the best plan?" Stork asked. "Because it looks like there might be danger hanging around. Maybe we better find somewhere safer to – "

"If there's danger," Sora interrupted, "then this is exactly where we need to be!"

"Somehow, I knew you'd say that," Stork sighed.

Yugo disembarked, running out to the guards. "Helloooooooo!" he cried, putting up his hands. "It's me! Yugo!"

"Yugo?" the lead guard repeated. "It is you! What are you doing here?"
"I think I was trying to stop whatever just happened from happening," Yugo answered. "Can my friends and I get in to see Amalia?"

"Only because it's you," the guard responded. "No one else, and I mean NO ONE ELSE, is getting in or out. You understand me?"

"I understand!" Yugo said with a nod. "Thank you very much!"

He boarded the trolley, and the guards moved aside to let it pass through onto the royal grounds.

"YOU ARE A VERY BIG DEAL HERE, AREN'T YOU?" Papyrus asked.

Yugo just flashed him a smile.

At Yugo's request, the trolley stopped again in the midst of the royal grounds. Yugo was the first to exit. As the rest filed out, Amalia rushed by, and Yugo immediately called out her name.

Amalia's feet braked on the grass. She turned to answer the call. "YUGO!" she screamed, breaking out into an expression of pure joy and launching into a run at her friend. She dropped to her knees once she reached him, scooping Yugo into a tight hug, which he gladly returned. "I'm so glad you're here!" she whimpered. "Something awful has happened, and – "

She became aware of the presence of others; she looked up to see Sora, Ruby, Papyrus, Stork, and Jasmine regarding her with concern. "Who are they?" Amalia asked as she let go of Yugo and straightened up.

"I'm Sora," Sora introduced. "Yugo's new friend!" He extended his right hand.

As Amalia gingerly clasped and shook Sora's hand, Yugo explained, "They're all my new friends, Amalia. This is Stork, Jasmine, Ruby, and Papyrus."

"Pleased to meet you all," Amalia said with a smile. "Though I wish it were under better circumstances."

"WELL, IF THERE'S TROUBLE, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT WE'RE HERE TO TAKE CARE OF!" Papyrus insisted.

"Um, what exactly happened here, anyway?" Stork asked, not altogether sure he wanted an honest answer.

"Oh, it's terrible!" Amalia explained. "Qilby has somehow returned! He has two new friends, and they got Nox's clock working again and rode it away! And worst of all, they have the Eliacube!"

"No…" Yugo was pumped full of horror. He took a step back, then another, then fell into a sitting position.

"What's the Eliacube?" Ruby asked. "I'm guessing this is bad. But HOW bad?"

"You don't know what the Eliacube is?" Amalia replied, stunned. "Have you been living under a rock?"
"Um…maybe?" Ruby replied.

"The Eliacube is a powerful artifact used by Yugo's people," Amalia explained. "A madman named Nox (she explained, figuring that if her audience didn't know what the Eliacube was, they wouldn't know who Nox was) tried to use it to turn back time. And after that, an even worse man named Qilby tried to use its power to destroy our world."

"And it's all my fault it's been stolen," Yugo said softly. "If I'd held onto it…if I'd protected it like I was supposed to…"

"Oh, Yugo," Amalia said comfortingly, "don't blame yourself. If the entire Sadida Kingdom couldn't protect it, how could you have?"

"But they wouldn't have even known where it was if it was still with me," Yugo argued. He hoisted himself to his feet. "I was trusted with that cube, and that means no matter where it was stolen from, it's my fault."

"What do you mean, trusted with it?" Sora asked.

"After the final fight against Qilby – " Yugo began.

"Welllllllll, not quite the FINAL fight if that's who's out and about…" Stork pointed out.

Yugo nodded somberly. "After that fight, I entrusted the cube to the dragon Balthazar in another dimension. He said the World of Twelve wasn't ready to handle it. That was six years ago. But a short while ago, the cube was given back to me."

...

That short time ago, Yugo had been peacefully asleep in his bed at Alibert's, dreaming of blue skies and grand adventures, only to be awoken by a brilliantly blue light emanating from the corner of his chamber. He pried his eyes open as he heard a voice addressing him: "Yugo…your majesty, King Yugo…"

"Hm?" Yugo rose to view the source of the light: a tall man with a white beard, dressed in flowing robes. A shield-shaped metal plate emblazoned with a phoenix covered his chest, and he sported a headdress with a soft blue gemstone at its peak. "Who are…"

"A messenger from Balthazar and the Eliatropes," the man answered. "I have come to return something to you. Something you have earned."

He extended his hand; the Eliacube glowed upon his palm.

"The Eliacube!" Yugo blurted. "But…but Balthazar said…"

"That was six years ago," the stranger reminded him. "You have had time to mature. And now that you have more properly earned the moniker of 'king' after dealing with Ogrest, it has been agreed upon that the Eliacube should be passed back into your possession."

"It's not real," Yugo accused, "is it?"

The stranger approached, still holding out the cube. "See for yourself."

As soon as Yugo took the Eliacube into his hands, he knew it was the genuine article. "It is real. I apologize." He briefly wondered if this was some sort of setup, a malevolent plot…but what evil could be accomplished by passing the Eliacube back into Yugo's hands? Would a villain not take the cube for himself?

"Guard it well," the stranger bade Yugo. "It is safer with you than it will ever be anywhere else." He slowly became transparent, and Yugo could tell he was fading away.

"Wait!" Yugo cried, but by that time, the stranger was gone.

...

Yugo felt far less than qualified to hang onto the Eliacube himself. He feared that if he were its only line of defense, it would be quickly stolen and used for ill. Therefore, he transported it to the place he trusted to keep it safe.

"You guarded it once before," he told Amalia as he handed the cube to the princess. "Could you guard it again? I just…I don't feel I can keep it safe."

"Don't worry!" Amalia promised. "There will be nowhere safer for the Eliacube than among the Sadida! We protected it before, and we will protect it again!"

"You can't tell anyone it's here," Yugo insisted.

"My lips are sealed!" Amalia promised.

But all the same, word got out.

...

And so, in the present time, Yugo and Amalia faced each other again in the aftermath of the Eliacube's theft.

"It wasn't either of your fault," Jasmine said reassuringly. "It's the fault of the people who stole it. And I'm betting one of Qilby's 'friends' was Mozenrath."

"That's who you're looking for?" Yugo reiterated.

"Yup!" Sora said with a nod. "So…who were these people with Qilby?"

"One of them was a very strange man," Amalia described. "He wore white, and he had a long brown braid. This is going to sound hard to believe, but I think he also had a scorpion's tail."

The traveling companions looked to each other. After some silence, they turned back to Amalia. "Doesn't sound familiar to any of us," Sora admitted.

"And the other, I only got a glimpse of from far away, but he was powerful enough to blow the tree keeping the Eliacube apart," Amalia went on. "He was very tall, and blue. Or was he gray? His hair was very strange. It seemed to move like fire."

"Wait a second," Sora realized. "That's gotta be Hades. And if Hades is involved, that means Mozenrath ISN'T. They're enemies, remember?"

"Is Hades another one of your enemies?" Yugo asked.

"Yeah," Sora confirmed. "And he's a tough one. We're in for a fight against him, all right."

"I feel so bad for the dragon protectors," Amalia bemoaned. "They're getting swept up into all of this."

"Dragon protectors?" Ruby repeated.

"Oh, I didn't tell you!" Amalia realized. "A group of traveling dragon protectors who banded together from all over the World of Twelve is visiting our kingdom! I was going to go with them to head off a possible attack on Phaerys. They wanted Sadida to join their cause, and, well, I am a Sadida who is very heroic and interested in protecting others, am I not?"

"I couldn't think of anyone better," Yugo said with a nod.

"You should meet the team!" Amalia said excitedly. "They're all so wonderful and charming! I bet you'll get along immediately!"

"Sora just gets along with everybody anyway," Ruby giggled.

"Not wrong," Stork commented.

Up the tree trunk where Mozenrath, Snatcher, and company had been hustled, Amalia rapped sharply on the door. "Hello?" she greeted. "It's me, Amalia! I've brought someone you simply have to meet!"

There was no response.

Amalia rapped again, cautiously. "Hello…?"

No one answered.

"They didn't leave, did they?" Amalia asked the Cra guards standing to either side of the door.

"No, your highness," one of the guards responded.

"Well, I didn't want to be rude, but if they won't answer me…" Amalia grasped the door handle to find it unlocked. She then swiftly threw the door open to reveal empty quarters.

"That isn't possible," Amalia muttered as she hurried into the lounge, beginning to peer into each bedroom, the doors of which swung wide. "They can't be gone. How could they leave without anyone seeing?"
"This is bad," Stork muttered. "It's way, WAY too suspicious."

"Well, they must be somewhere in this kingdom still," Amalia resolved with a shrug. "They wouldn't have just packed up into their trolley and left without me!"

"Actually," Stork informed her, "we passed a trolley rolling out while we were on our way in. It's probably the same one."

Amalia felt as though she'd been hit by that very trolley. "But…they promised they'd take me along," she said in shock. "They said I would be welcome on their adventure. We were going to protect Phaerys, and…and…why would they leave me behind? Did I do something to offend them?"

"You?" Yugo replied. "I can't imagine you doing anything to offend anyone."

"I still don't like this," Stork said. "Something's off. No one was supposed to get in or out. And yet SOMEHOW, this group of strangers managed to leave a kingdom in LOCKDOWN. You don't think that's a little weird?"

"Definitely suspicious," Sora said with a nod. "Though if it's an adventure you want, Amalia, you should come with us for a bit! Any friend of Yugo is a friend of ours!"

"We would love to have you travel with us," Jasmine asserted.

"Really?" Amalia beamed. "It would be just like old times!"

Yugo gave an enthusiastic nod.

"WE JUST NEED TO FIGURE OUT WHERE EXACTLY IT IS WE ARE GOING," Papyrus pointed out. "THE ENEMIES WE WERE LOOKING FOR AREN'T HERE, AND ENEMIES WE WEREN'T LOOKING FOR JUST LEFT. SO WHERE DOES THAT LEAVE US?"

"Well…" Amalia mulled it over. "If they were so concerned about Phaerys at Crimson Claws, we should probably check it out just to be safe. Maybe Qilby was the threat."

"Or maybe," Stork suggested, "your little dragon rights activists were horrible villains in disguise, and THEY'RE planning to get the jump on the Crimson Claws."

"Stork," Jasmine chastised, "we don't have enough evidence to assume anything like that."

"Nor do we have enough evidence to assume anything NOT like that," Stork replied.

"Well, either way, the Crimson Claws sounds like as good of a place to start as anywhere else," Sora figured, "so we might as well go."

"The name is red," Ruby muttered, shifting slightly. "I like red."

"THEN THAT IS WHERE WE MUST JOURNEY!" Papyrus declared. "PRINCESS AMALIA, WE WILL MOST DEFINITELY NEED A NAVIGATOR IN ORDER TO SHOW US THE WAY, AND PREFERABLY ONE OF ROYAL LINEAGE! ARE YOU UP TO THE TASK!"

"I think I am," Amalia said with a smile. "Just let me go and change first."

Within a few minutes, the group reconvened at the trolley. Amalia had abandoned her royal garb for a simpler outfit consisting of an eggshell-colored sleeveless top and a short leaf-green skirt. Her hair hung loose, with only a small flower-shaped hairpiece adorning it.

"Before we go," Jasmine asked, realizing a crucial factor, "are you sure it's a good idea to leave in the middle of a state emergency? How will your family feel about it?"

"I'm sure they'll be fine with it," Amalia said with a nod. "I let them know clearly. Though just to be safe, we might want to move before they find my goodbye note."

Jasmine smiled, remembering how she had snuck out of her own palace seeking adventure and answers and admiring Amalia for the mirrored action.

The trolley rolled out of the Sadida royal grounds, and when the guards saw Yugo waving out the window, they were not reluctant to let the vehicle pass.

"SO," Papyrus asked, "WHICH WAY?"

"Haven Port," Amalia answered. "You'll want to go down this road for quite a while. I'll let you know when to make a turn."

Yugo found his gaze distracted by her very presence; Amalia had lost no beauty during their time apart. Nor had she lost any spirit, which was altogether more important. Yugo found himself wishing more than ever that he could make his true feelings for Amalia known, but he worried she would laugh. And more than that, he knew there was no way she could return them. She was a woman, and he still a child.

"Yugo?" Amalia asked. "Is everything all right? You're staring into space."

"First symptom of the mindworms…" Stork muttered.

Yugo shook his head. "I'm fine. Just lost in thought. No worms, I promise."

"That's what they all say," Stork said with a shake of his head.

"So…can we go over what all happened when Qilby took the Eliacube?" Ruby requested. "We should know as much about the situation as possible."

"Hmm…" Amalia thought it over. "I think I should start with when the dragon protectors came. There were ten of them, plus their Bow Meow mascot. All were women except for two. And they were all so nice. Especially Brandisia Black and Penelope Frou Frou. When we took our tea together, they – "

"Wait, WHAT?" Sora cried. "Say that name again!"

"Brandisia Black?"

"No, the other one!"

"Penelope Frou Frou," Amalia repeated. "An odd name, but it rolls off the tongue."

"Madame Frou Frou," Sora reiterated. "I think I know who your dragon protectors really were. I ALSO think I know where Mozenrath was this whole time."

"Am I about to say 'I told you so'?" Stork asked. "Because it sounds like I'm about to say 'I told you so.'"

"You guessed right," Sora confirmed. "They weren't dragon protectors."

"I TOLD you so!" Stork crowed. Then, somberly, "Sometimes, I hate being right."

...

"And they have to search the whole ocean for their friend," Moana expressed to her father, Chief Tui. "So I figured who better to guide them than someone who's, well, friends with the ocean?"
"I see," Tui mulled over. He still didn't truly understand the connection between his daughter and the ocean, and he would be lying if he said that he believed the ocean actually communicated with her. However, there was truth in his next words: "I find this occurrence strange, and a little suspicious. But if this is what you believe you must do, I trust you. After all, I didn't trust you in the past when I should have. You have a good head on your shoulders, Moana, and I know you will use it. Just be careful and protect yourself when you need to."

"Thank you!" Moana pulled her father into a quick hug. "I don't know when I'll be back, but I WILL be back, I promise!"

She charged outdoors to meet Riku, Aladdin, Nora, Ren, Nick, and Luna awaited her. "Come on!" she beckoned. "This way!"

The group followed her to the cavern that housed the array of boats. "Hmm…let's see…" Moana strode up and down the line of vehicles, sizing them up with her eyes. "This one!" She leapt up onto a fairly large boat. "Plenty of room for all of us!"

"Then let's get it out to sea," Riku said with a nod.

Moana leapt down to help the others push it off the sandy coast and into the water, but not before her eyes alit upon the stretch of sand next to the chosen boat. "That's weird…"

"What's weird?" Nora asked.

"I thought for sure there was supposed to be a boat there," Moana remarked. "No, I KNOW there was a boat there, because it was part of a set with this one and the one next to it. I thought of them as 'the triplets.'"

"Maybe that's how our kidnappers got Xander off the island," Nick suggested.

"Xander?" Moana repeated. "That's your friend's name?"

"Indeed it is," Luna confirmed.

"You hear that?" Moana turned to the shallow waters. "We're looking for a Xander. Think you can help?"
The waters rippled, giving no obvious answer.

"Who are you talking to?" Nick asked.

"The ocean," Moana answered. "She'll help us. Though the way she helps is never really that…straightforward. The first time I asked for help, she wrecked my boat. It was exactly where I needed to be, but still! Rude!"

A jet of water splashed Moana in the face.

"Okay, okay, sorry," Moana groaned. "I know you have your reasons."

"Are we seriously going to travel with someone who thinks she can talk to the ocean?" Nick hissed.

"She doesn't think she can," Luna answered softly. "She knows she can. The ocean is a strong force, a goddess who is present on many worlds. As someone who is intimate with the moon, I have grown to know the tides well, and by that means, the ocean herself. Her relationship with Moana must be stronger than most."

"Well, if the space unicorn says so, it's gotta be true," Nick resigned.

"Nick!" Nora slapped Nick on the back of the head. "YOU'RE the one being rude! And she's an ALICORN! Pay some attention!"

"Anyone wanna help us out moving the boat?" Aladdin reminded the others as he, Riku, and Moana found themselves the only ones working on putting the craft to sea.

"I'm on it!" Nora cried, and she, Ren, Nick, and Luna lent their strength, though once Nora began to push, the others nearly lost balance; it was clear she could have moved the boat all by herself had she wanted.

The group boarded, sailing beneath the waterfall – which Ren did not appreciate the soaking from – and gliding out onto the open ocean. Moana rushed about, pulling ropes to adjust the sail, to find Riku doing the very same.

"I see you're a wayfinder," she observed.

Riku appreciated the use of the word. "Yeah. I guess I am."

"It gets a little rough past the reef," Moana warned.

"Thanks for the heads-up," Riku replied.

Motonui became ever distant. "So," Aladdin said, "tell us some more about yourself, Moana. I take it this isn't your first adventure."

"Of course not," Moana answered. "The ocean called to me ever since I was a child. My father, on the other hand, wasn't really that happy about it. He wasn't a big fan of wayfinding. He…lost a friend to the ocean."

"My condolences," Luna said somberly.

"It's okay," Moana told her. "Still, thank you. Anyway, the Darkness that started when the heart of Te Fiti was stolen finally reached our island – "

"The what of the what?" Nick asked.

"You don't know?" Moana was surprised. Then again, these strangers all looked and dressed very differently from anyone she'd ever met on the islands she'd sailed to, including her own. Perhaps their island was so far away, they'd never even heard of the mother island, let alone had time to be affected by the Darkness. "Well, Te Fiti is the mother island who gave birth to us all. She's the source of life throughout the whole ocean. But a thousand years ago, a certain egotistical demigod thought he could earn points with us humans if he stole her heart and gave it to us so we could create life of our own. And it backfired HORRIBLY. The heart got lost, and without her heart, Te Fiti…well…she didn't take it well. And that's why the Darkness started spreading through our islands. It poisoned the waters so that monsters thrived, but not the fish we needed to eat. The coconut trees became diseased. I can't even imagine what happened to the first islands, the ones nearest to Te Fiti, when the heart was lost.

"I knew that story when I was very small. And I always wanted to be the one to give Te Fiti her heart back. I thought maybe I could save everyone. And the ocean agreed. She gave me the heart to deliver."

"If the ocean could give you the heart," Nick asked, "why couldn't it – she – put it back herself?"

"Te Fiti became made of fire," Moana answered. "The ocean couldn't touch her without causing her incredible pain."

"And what's more," Luna added, "it was important that humanity stepped up to save their world. Moana needed to be empowered by the ocean. That did this world much better than the ocean simply keeping matters to herself." She turned her gaze to Moana. "The ocean is an acquaintance of mine, you could say. But not a friend the way she is to you."

"I spent so many years staring out at the water," Moana continued, "wishing I could cross it. Thinking out there was where I belonged. I guess that might sound silly. Why would I think I belonged so far away on waters I didn't even know when I was already part of such a perfect home?"
"It's not silly," Riku told her. "I was the same way."

"Really?" Moana asked. "You…"

"I used to hang out on the beach with my friends, just looking out at the water," Riku explained. "I wondered what else was out there, and I wanted to find out. I wanted to be anywhere but home. Home felt too small to me. Like a prison. It looks like both you and me got what we wanted." He turned away. "Though I went about it the wrong way. I made mistakes. And I paid for them."

"If you followed your heart," Moana asked, "how could you be so wrong?"

"Because unlike you, I didn't want to save my people from the Darkness," Riku told her. "It was…almost the exact opposite."

"Well, you're sailing to save your friend now," Moana reminded him. "That's what counts."

"Thank you," Riku said sincerely, meeting her gaze once more. "So how did your story end?"

"Well, to keep it short," Moana concluded, "I found Maui – that's the demigod who started this whole mess – I brought him onto my boat, we sailed to Te Fiti, and the heart was restored. And that was my first adventure. After that, my people became more open to wayfinding, and I've had a few adventures after that…but nothing quite that important yet."

"You're getting ready to lead your people," Aladdin pointed out. "That's important. I should know."

"Are you the chief of your island?" Moana asked. "Or his son?"

"Well, I'm not exactly from the same kind of place as Riku," Aladdin disclaimed. "And I'm actually our leader's son-in-law. So, yeah, gonna be the next leader, but not by blood relation. And my wife is actually more of a leader than I am. She does have years of experience on me. Being in charge of a whole kingdom was…new for me. But the farther I go, the more I realize how important what I'm doing is. I have to make things better for people who used to be like I was. You know…poor, ignored, having to steal to get by. If I had to cross the ocean to protect them, I wouldn't even think twice about it."

"Your people sound lucky to have you leading them," Moana replied.

"Hey, I haven't known you that long," Aladdin stated, "but I think your people are pretty lucky to have you."

"Well, thank you," Moana said with a slight blush.

"So where are we headed?" Ren asked.

"For the nearest island," Moana answered. "Hopefully, your kidnappers got too lazy to go further. But if they didn't, we'll be ready to keep going. Now that we have two wayfinders on the job, we should be able to see how far we can really go. Right, Riku?"
"Right," Riku said with a smile.

...

Galra Space was a vast expanse of resplendent stars on a backdrop of pure black. A great many of those stars, Kairi thought as she looked out the front window of the Gummi ship that she, Jaune, Cadance, Vida, Madison, Chip, Genie, and Carpet had been loaned for the mission, were planets, each with their own myriad of life and environments. The ship had already been traveling for hours through interspace, and it seemed that upon entering Galra Space, there had been another hour to go before the Balmera. One hour in which to look upon the seeming endlessness of it all and try to comprehend how much it encompassed.

The same hour was also spent singing, as is a staple of many a good road trip, or space trip in this case. Vida had wanted to lead the chorus only to find that Madison and Chip were the only ones who knew any of the same songs she did, but Cadance, Jaune, and Genie were more than willing to learn the staple pop hits of Briarwood, and so some time had been devoted to the lesson until all could sing in unison.

Kairi did not ignore the group out of any ill will; she focused her attention on driving the Gummi ship, and had little mental space left to learn lyrics. She was brought joy by hearing her teammates join together in concert all the same. Perhaps, she thought, she would learn the song later, when she didn't have a ship to pilot.

A light flashed over a dial Kairi had not paid attention to before. She had been given a brief rundown of the Gummi ship's dashboard before leaving, and thus knew that this was a communication system. "Hey!" she called back at her friends. "I think someone's trying to talk to us!"

"Quiet!" Jaune commanded, and everyone clammed up.

Kairi twisted the dial until a male voice with a strong accent was audible: "…lo? Hello? Hello! Hailing the strange orange ship!"

Kairi pressed her face to the glass of the dashboard window. She spotted the source of the communication: an immense white ship that dwarfed the Gummi. At first glance, Kairi was reminded of a fortress turned sideways and converted into spacecraft.

A softer female voice was heard on the hailing frequency, slightly muffled: "Coran! How do you know if that ship's a friend or a foe?"

"Yeah!" another voice, male, added. "We could be calling the Galra!"

"I believe I know what I'm doing!" the first voice, the one identified as "Coran," argued. He cleared his throat: "Attention, orange ship! Are you friend or foe?"

"Friend, I think?" Kairi answered. "We're not Galra. We're headed for the Balmera."

"Exactly where we were headed!" Coran responded. "You're quite close to getting in our way, you know."

"Sorry!" Kairi apologized. "I'll fix our trajectory." She shifted the ship's course.

"Thank you!" Coran said with enthusiasm. "What's your business on the Balmera?"
"Looking for a friend," Kairi answered. "What about you?"

"Checking in with some old friends ourselves," Coran replied. "See you on the landing?"

"See you then!" Kairi agreed. "And we'll stay out of your way!"

The connection broke; Kairi turned down the dial.

"Who d'you think that was?" Jaune wondered out loud.

"Maybe THEY were the Galra, and it's a complicated trap," Chip theorized. "I sure hope not."

"I think we'll just have to find out when we land," Cadance stated.

The small Gummi ship gave the floating fortress its space; in the distance, once both craft had touched down on the skin of the Balmera, the disembarking crew of the Gummi realized that Kairi's observation had been accurate, as now standing upright, it took the exact form of a castle. "Well," Kairi asked, "should we go see if they are friend or foe?"

"I am curious about what brings them to the same place as us," Cadance replied. "I am also fairly certain that their friendship will be valuable."

"We don't know that they're not the bad guys," Jaune pointed out.

"The bad guys would have just run us over and squashed us," Chip argued. "These people just wanted us to get out of the way so we DIDN'T crash. I have a good feeling about this!"

"Well, then!" Genie temporarily transformed into the spitting image of Twilight Sparkle. "Let's go learn some things about friendship!"

As he reverted to his usual form, Cadance had to wonder how he knew what her sister-in-law even looked like, let alone her connection to the concept of friendship.

As the group set out toward the castle, they soon found out that the castle's occupants felt similarly and were making way toward them. There appeared to be seven: most of whom were wearing suits of helmetless armor edged in different colors and one of whom, a redheaded man, was sporting a well-kept blue suit.

Kairi put up a hand to wave, hopping slightly as she called out, "HELLOOOOOOO!"

A large young man, his dark hair cut short and his armor sporting yellow accents, put up his own hand and gave her a "HELLOOOOOOOOO!" right back.

"So far, so good," Madison remarked.

The party was led by a youth in red-edged armor with somewhat long raven-black hair. By the time Kairi and her friends got within auditory range, he had turned to face the rest, and he was audible saying " – don't know yet if these are more spies from Lotor or – "

"Uhhh, Keith?" a youth in blue-edged armor interrupted. "They can hear you."

Keith, the one in red, turned around in surprise. "Oh," he said. "Um…hi."

"Hi," Kairi replied. "Sorry for getting in your ship's way."

"It's fine," Keith said sharply.

Kairi put out her right hand. "I'm Kairi," she greeted. "Who are you?"

Keith automatically took her hand, shaking it once, firmly, while saying, "My name is Kei – "

"YOU DON'T KNOW WHO WE ARE?" the young man in blue screeched. His voice getting ever higher, he turned to his cohorts, squeaking, "She doesn't know who we are!" He cleared his throat, turning back to the group of visitors; "But the rest of you know about us, right? Riiiiiiiight?"

"Uh…" Jaune looked to Chip.

"Should…we?" Chip looked to Vida.

Vida and Madison shrugged.

"Well, you can search me," Genie contributed, quickly riddling his skin with pockets and making a show of turning them inside-out, producing nothing but what appeared to be sky-blue silk and a single moth.

Carpet managed to look bewildered without even making a motion.

"I'm sorry," Cadance said somberly.

"They," the blue-armored youth reiterated. "Don't. Know. Who. We. ARE."

"It's understandable," a tall woman in pink-edged armor, her long white hair piled atop her head, contributed. "Space is immense, after all. You didn't know anything about Voltron during the time you spent on Earth."

"But EVERYONE knows who we are!" the blue-armored youth protested. "We're the Paladins of Voltron! Heroes of the galaxy! Leaders of the rebellion! Warriors for freedom from the Galra! Well, most of the Galra. Not the Blade of Marmora or Keith – "

"WHAT did I tell you about telling people what I am?" Keith seethed.

"It slipped, okay?" the blue-armored teen snapped. "I'm still trying to deal with these people not recognizing the PALADINS OF VOLTRON."

"You're…human," the shortest of the group, a short-haired and bespectacled girl sporting armor with green accents, broke in. "Most of you, anyway. Are…you from Earth?"

"That's a complicated question," Chip answered.

"For now, let's just go with 'no,'" Jaune emphasized.

"What's complicated about it?" the girl wondered out loud. "Wait. Are you from another reality? Did you cross over to ours?"

"Something like that," Vida admitted.

"COOL!" The girl's face lit up. "How'd you do it? Did you have a piece of the big comet that – no, wait, did you come through some kind of – wait – "

"Well, obviously, they're not all from any Earth we know," the youth in yellow pointed out. "Horses don't come in that color where we're from."

"Actually, I'm an alicorn," Cadance corrected.

"Nor do they talk," the young man added.

"Well, if it's such a big deal that we don't know who you are," Kairi suggested, "let's fix that. I know you're Keith, and one of you is Coran…"

"That would be me!" the blue-suited man said in a chipper tone, his voice instantly recognizable. He had the kind of voice that could be picked out of any crowd in any environment, Kairi thought. "Official advisor to Voltron!"

"Keith," Keith reiterated. "Current black paladin of Voltron."

The young man in blue shoved in front of him. "Name's Lance," he introduced, smoothing back his hair. "Former blue paladin of Voltron. Current RED Paladin of Voltron. As for the black Paladin, who knows? Maybe someday. If any of you lovely ladies like, I can give you a tour of the red lion. Maybe take it out for a spin, show you some of my smooth moves – "

"Okay, keep talking like that, and I'll have to smack you," Vida said sternly. "Especially to my SISTER."

"Duly noted," Lance said quickly, shuffling back behind Keith.

"Name's Hunk," the youth in yellow said cheerily. "Yellow paladin. Nice to meetcha."

"Pidge," the girl introduced. "Green paladin."

"And I am Princess Allura," the tall woman added. "Current blue paladin of Voltron."

Kairi smiled. "Always nice to meet a fellow princess!"

"You're a princess where you come from?" Allura said, beaming.

"Yeah," Kairi replied, "though I'm still learning. Cadance is too."

"That's me," Cadance clarified. "I'm Cadance."

"And what about you?" Kairi asked the last member of the party, who hadn't yet spoken: a man in black-accented armor, with his black hair cut shortest of all and a shock of white running through it.

"I'm Shiro," the man said pleasantly. "Former Paladin of Voltron. Now I'm more of a…supporting role." He punctuated that with a smile.

"You keep mentioning this…Voltron," Jaune pointed out. "What is it? Is it some kind of organization?"
"It sounds like a giant robot," Chip said excitedly.

"Well, you're not wrong," Pidge explained. "Each of us five paladins pilots a lion-shaped spaceship, and when we join together, we form kind of a more human-shaped ship that wields different weaponry depending on who's leading at the time. That's Voltron. It's our primary weapon against enemy forces and what we use to fight to liberate different planets. I could get into the specs of how each lion is attuned to a different element of nature and all the weapons activated by the different bayards, but that'd be a really long speech you probably don't have time for."

"That sounds so AWESOME!" Chip gushed.

"Chip," Vida reminded him, "we pilot the Megazord all the time. That's basically the same thing."

"Yeah, but ours starts with Titans and theirs starts with space lions," Chip pointed out. "It's totally different. And I'm not saying ours ISN'T cool."

"Oh?" Lance countered. "You have a giant space robot too?"

"Not anymore," Madison explained. "It got stolen from us."

"By the way, Hunk," Chip said with a nod, "yellow is the BEST color."

"I know, right?" Hunk replied.

"Thirded," Jaune added.

"Excuse me!" Genie broke in. "The Blue Buddies would like to lodge a FORMAL complaint!"

"Wait…you said you were blue?" Vida asked Allura. "But you're wearing pink."

"Pink is the Altean color of remembrance of the fallen," Allura explained. "I see a fair amount of pink in your clothing. Your favorite color, perhaps?"
"Actually, it used to be my least favorite," Vida replied. "But it grew on me. Kinda had to."

"So now you know a lot about us," Keith pointed out. "We need to know more about you."

"What Keith means is we WISH to know more about you," Allura added. "What are your names?"

"And why are you here on the Balmera?" Keith asked sharply.

"Keith," Shiro cautioned, "we don't know – "

"We don't know ANYTHING about them," Keith filled in.

"Hey, I get it if you don't trust us," Jaune said, hands raised in a gesture of peace. "Not really sure I trust you guys either. Though the giant space robot sounds really, REALLY cool. Anyway, I'm Jaune."

The others rattled off their names:

"I'm Madison. Maddie, for short."

"And I'm Vida. Madison's big sis."

"Chip Thorn!"

"I am Princess Cadance."

"The one, the only…GENIE!" (Puncutated by a round of applause that came from nowhere.)

"And I'm Kairi," Kairi reiterated. "Oh, and that's Carpet." She gestured to the sentient cloth, which waved.

"Self-explanatory name," Lance replied. "I'm diggin' it."

"We came here to find a lost friend of ours," Kairi explained. "Well, more specifically, of mine. He was basically part of my family, but he was taken by enemy forces. We're trying to get him back."

"But in the meantime, we hear this creature is famed for its crystals," Cadance added. "We are working on a project that requires a certain cut of crystal. Our first priority is to locate Even, our lost friend. But beyond that, we were hoping to acquire a sufficient crystal."

"Enough about us!" Genie pulled a magnifying glass out of nowhere, holding it in front of his eye to give it a gigantic appearance as he hovered over Keith. "What are YOU doing here?"

"You know," Lance said, waving his hand. "Hero stuff."

"We're looking to rally some old friends," Shiro explained. "Or at least warn them of danger. The Galra prince Lotor has something very dangerous in his possession, and we don't know why he wanted it or what he intends to do with it. But the entire galaxy and then some is going to be affected, and there's going to be a fight. We need as many allies on our side as possible for this fight. 'Giant space robots' won't cut it alone. And if the people of the Balmera won't fight, we may need to evacuate them to somewhere safer."

"We were thinking like one of those space tacos," Hunk added. "You know, when space gets all folded."

"Ahhhh, a pocket dimension!" Genie said with a nod.

"You guys should totally come with us," Hunk suggested. "We can help you find your friend and your crystal along the way – "

Keith cleared his throat. "I think we have enough to do."

"Surely we can spare some time to help out some new friends," Allura pleaded.

"We're already FRIENDS?" Keith rebutted. "We're strangers. We don't even have a common goal."

"Keith's right," Jaune agreed. "Maybe we better go this one on our own."

"I dunno," Hunk said as he scratched the back of his head awkwardly. "I kinda thought it might be fun to team up for a bit. Even if we don't know each other that well. I mean, even us Paladins are close now, but we had to start out as strangers."

"I guess whatever you decide," Kairi said. "We can manage on our own, but I think Hunk's right. Teaming up could be fun."

"I still don't like it," Keith sighed, "but I can tell I'm outvoted."

"Pretty much," Lance confirmed. "For the record, I was going to vote against you no matter what."

"Thanks, Lance," Keith replied sarcastically.

"Innocent until proven guilty," Shiro added.

"Then let's go!" Pidge urged. "The Balmerans have probably seen our ship land. I bet they're on our way to meet us!"

And on their way they were. A crowd of the people Kairi had seen in her vision of the hourglass marched toward the castle-ship, led by a party of five.

Allura stepped to the front of the faction of visitors, and the Balmeran at the head of the approaching crowd, an old woman, greeted her: "Princess Allura. It is an honor."

"I assure you, the honor is all mine," Allura replied, giving a bow.

"And the rest of the Paladins of Voltron," the old Balmeran went on. "This is a momentous occasion."

Upon recognition of one of the paladins, a young Balmeran woman at the elder's side gasped; "Hunk! It is you!"

"Shay!" Hunk replied. "Good to see ya!"

Hunk and Shay rushed to each other, embracing briefly.

"But what brings you here?" Shay asked. "Is it another crystal you seek?"

"Not primarily," Allura explained, "though it is apparently on the itinerary."

"Then what brings you here?" the old Balmeran asked.

"We have bad news, everyone," Shiro announced. "Lotor, the Galra prince, has control of a comet that can travel through realities. We don't know what he's planning with it. We just know it isn't going to be good. And we need everyone on our side for whatever comes next."

"We will help in whatever way we can," the old Balmeran vowed.

"Then will you fight?" Keith asked. "Against Lotor? Alongside us?"

This caused a stir; the Balmerans looked to each other and spoke in hushed tones.

"We do not know how much assistance we can be in a battle," the old Balmeran admitted. "Of crystals, we have plenty. But we do not have warships, nor warriors to pilot them."

"We'll find a way to take care of the ships," Keith emphasized. "We just need to know if you're with us."

"With you, we definitely are," Shay said. "But perhaps not as warriors."

"There are other things you can do," Shiro said reassuringly. "But depending on how far Lotor has his sights set, there may be a need to evacuate."

"Evacuate the entire Balmera?" Shay was taken aback. "But…this is our home."

"Well, what if your lives depend on leaving it?" Keith urged.

"Hey, I don't know if I should even be talking here, since I'm new to the situation," Chip broke in, "but you were talking about a pocket dimension earlier. What if you put the whole Balmera in a pocket dimension? That way, no one has to leave home."

"We'll consult with the Blade of Marmora if such a thing is possible," Shiro said with a nod. "Good idea…" He struggled to remember the name.

"Chip," Chip reminded him.

"Who are your new friends?" Shay asked.

"They're not our friends," Keith grunted.

"Yet," Lance added.

"Kairi and her friends are missing someone important, and they're sure he's here," Shiro explained. "We want to search for him. They also wouldn't mind a crystal, if you can spare it."
"Battleship class?" Shay asked.

"Uh…you got 'giant hourglass' class?" Jaune replied.

"We'll know it when we see it," Madison assured Shay.

"If we are looking for someone lost," Shay suggested, "we should split up into groups."

"Good idea," Shiro said with a nod.

"At LEAST two should do it," Allura added. "Perhaps a wider spread if that doesn't work."

"Tell us more about this friend," Shay urged. "What does he look like?"
"He's human, like me," Kairi explained, "but a lot taller and a lot older. His hair is more like Jaune's hair color, but as long as mine. His eyes are very green. If you talk to him…well, he doesn't have the BEST manners."

"We will do our very best to find him," Shay promised.

So the newcomers' mission was taking over Voltron's, Keith thought. If that was the case, they had better not make him regret taking on their burden. If they were telling the truth, he knew it was important to extend a hand to them. But their story so far didn't make sense, especially in the way they'd been dodging the question about where they were from and why they didn't know Voltron. Keith was all but convinced they weren't trustworthy.

If only he could have known that the real enemy had just appeared somewhere else on the Balmera, in two factions.

...

First, there were the WHAM ARMY crystal seekers. Vexen, Ravess, Irmaplotz, Xayide, Snipe, Neo, and Garfield exited their Corridor of Darkness onto a currently uninhabited plain of the Balmera.

"We are looking for a battleship-class crystal," Vexen explained. "About three meters tall, and proportionally wide."

"And what is that in American?" Garfield asked.

Vexen gritted his teeth. "Just find something this size!" He threw his arm to the side, summoning up an iceberg of the correct height and width.

"Roger that, Iceman," Garfield replied.

"We shall divide into teams of two in order to more efficiently locate the crystal," Vexen decided. "When one team finds something sufficient, they shall contact the other via scroll."

"Yeah, they're called 'phones,'" Garfield sighed.

"Perhaps on YOUR world," Vexen snapped. "I believe 'scroll' is a more universal term."

About which he was wrong, but even if he knew that, he would never admit it.

"I shall take Xayide, Neo, and Ravess with me," Vexen assigned. "Snipe, Irmaplotz, and Garfield, the three of you shall comprise the second team."

"All right!" Snipe crowed. "C'mon, team! Let's kick Vexen's butt at crystal-finding and win this thing!"

"It isn't a competition," Xayide sighed.

"Anybody else notice how the people Vexen actually respects are with him and everybody else is the other team?" Irmaplotz observed.

"Perhaps you aren't the waste of space I perceived you to be after all," Vexen replied. "You seem to have some semblance of observational skills. Garfield, you too may surprise me yet. All hope is lost on Snipe."

"Whatever," Irmaplotz sighed, turning on a heel. "C'mon, guys. Let's go find that crystal."

"And for that comment," Garfield added before turning to follow Irmaplotz, "this IS a competition now, and we're gonna win it."

"GO TEAM SNIPE!" Snipe crowed as he brought up the rear.

"We are not being called 'Team Snipe,'" Irmaplotz sighed.

"I've got a few ideas for team names…" Garfield replied as the trio became more distant.

"I have to admit," Ravess said softly to Vexen, "your team division is quite refreshing. I, for one, will be glad to work without my brother's bullhorn voice ringing in my ear."

"As I will be glad to work without being pestered to waste my magic on banalities," Xayide sighed.

Neo gave a quick series of assertive nods.

"That was the idea," Vexen assured his cohorts. "With the annoyances out of the way, we sensible folk can actually get our work done. Now come. Our search begins below the epidermis, in the tunnels."

...

Second, Mirage had informed Sendak that the Balmera was the landing place to which she'd taken his container.

"Shirogane will have brought friends," Mirage explained. "For that, we must be prepared."

"I am more than prepared to face the Paladins of Voltron," Sendak growled. "All of them."

"Forgive my lack of faith, then," Mirage told him, "but it seems to me you should be given somewhat of a more powerful weapon. First, your old one needs fixing up."

She tapped Sendak's truncated shoulder, which had once played host to a powerful cybernetic arm. The metallic arm reformed itself, bound to Sendak's shoulder with a powerful electromagnetic connection that would allow him to throw it great distances.

"But the real show-stopper is this," Mirage announced as she backed off. The red cats with flaming backs erupted from the ground. "They are as much yours to command as mine now. They feed on fear, and thrive in the presence of it. The lack of fear weakens them. Against a single foe, they may falter, but they work best when facing a multitude of opponents. Every group has a weak link. I trust YOU won't be afraid of them."

Sendak grinned as he watched the cats crawl up to him, nudging against his armor. Their heat made his own temperature increase, but not uncomfortably so. "To the contrary," he confessed. "I like them already."

"We shall go separate ways," Mirage ordered. "You will find Shirogane if you enter the nearest tunnel and head in THAT direction." She pointed. "Meanwhile, I have other business here. I want to stir up some fear in someone else."

"It almost seems unfair that you should be able to keep so much from me," Sendak pointed out. "I don't know where you're going or how you knew how to find me. Nor do I know where these cats came from."

"Are you really going to argue with the person who saved your life?" Mirage asked him. "I think you know better than that."

"I do," Sendak admitted. "I only said it was ALMOST unfair."

"One last thing," Mirage concluded. "My name is Mirage. Call it if you should need me, and I will come."

Sendak's unspoken question hung heavy in the air: did she not see him as too expendable for that? Mirage's unspoken answer was not as easy to divine: you're my pet project, and it would be a shame to see you clipped so soon in the game.

Mirage vanished in a twinkle, and Sendak clambered down into the tunnel she had indicated. The cats vanished, but Sendak knew they would be ready to answer his call.

...

As the trolley rolled over the plains in the direction the compass, still clutched firmly in Snatcher's well-manicured hands, indicated, Roman prepared to explain Tyrian Callows. First, however, he declared "I need a smoke" and proceeded to light up a cigarette, filling the trolley interior with smoky stench and sending Mozenrath into a coughing fit.

"For goodness' sake, at least open a window," Yzma snapped.

"Fine." Roman took the Cudgel to hand, then used it to smash the nearest window's glass. The smoke was sucked out of the trolley car.

"…I suppose that works," Yzma sighed.

"So tell us more about this scorpion man," Aghoul cajoled.

"I guess I'm going to have to explain more about what my actual JOB was back on Remnant," Roman began. "I might have…let you all believe I was large and in charge as a crime lord."

"We'd all guessed Miss Fall had you under her heel," Snatcher interrupted.

"Yeah, well, I was actually lower on the chain than THAT," Roman admitted. "Cinder worked for somebody bigger and badder. Salem. Here's how it worked." He put a hand up high in the air. "Here's Salem." Another hand below it, his cigarette hanging from his mouth as he talked around it. "Cinder, Hazel Rainart, Arthur Watts, and Tyrian Callows." The first hand below that. "Emerald Sustrai and Mercury Black." The second hand below that. "Adam Taurus and me." He became aware that everyone in the car was staring at him in bewilderment save for Mozenrath and the Huntsman, the latter of whom would have been agape as well if he weren't driving. "Okay, what? What's the look for?"

"You're being serious," Wuya replied. "Very serious."

"This is the longest you've gone mentioning people by their actual names instead of nicknames!" Mim revealed.

"Yeah, well, this is serious business," Roman groaned, removing the cigarette from his lips. "Also, I'm fully aware that if I used my incredibly derogatory nicknames for everyone the whole time, you'd all lose track. So for the duration of this story, everyone is their real names, except Tyrian Callows, the subject of today's discussion, who shall be henceforth referred to as 'Fuckface.' And yes, that WAS his nickname before, but he never heard that because I didn't want to get pumped full of scorpion poison."

Everyone nodded. "That's fair" was murmured throughout.

"What WAS your eventual goal under this…Ms. Salem?" Snatcher asked.

"What WASN'T our goal?" Roman replied. "She was after these relic things. And these maidens of the seasons who could give her power. She was after everything. And I KNOW I don't even know how deep it went. Basically, she wanted to take control of Remnant, but not in the fun way like we do.

"I didn't put in too many appearances at HQ, but every time I did, Watts, Hazel, and Fuckface would try and tear me a new one. Verbally. Though it probably would also have been physically if we'd talked more. None of them liked me, all of them liked LAUGHING at me, and they referred to ME as the scum beneath their boots. Oh, but Fuckface? He was the worst of all of them. Called me a show-off, when…did you SEE the man back there? Talk about chewing the scenery." He took another long drag, spewing smoke throughout the trolley. "And that's how he was every single moment of every single day. Either monologuing or laughing like a hyena. If I didn't KNOW he was a scorpion Faunus, I seriously would have guessed hyena. Long story short, the limelight wasn't big enough for BOTH of us, and though we all know I'm the more quality product, he could pull seniority on me any time he wanted. He tried for a motion to have me disposed of MORE than once. And Salem actually considered it. She probably only let me slide because of my Semblance. Which NONE of you get to know, by the way."

"You know we're going to find out eventually," Mim threatened.

"No," Roman retorted. "You won't. I am taking it to my grave. Anyway, that's the story on Fuckface. I thought leaving Remnant meant we were saying goodbye to him for good. But APPARENTLY, I'm not that lucky."

"Of what level is he a threat?" the Huntsman asked.

"Not counting his new buddies?" Roman replied. "Because you know he's going to be leaning on Grim Reaper like a crutch. But on his own? Crazy-ass moves, rapid-fire gunshots, pretty good eye, REALLY likes carving things to pieces with those hunks of metal on his wrists, and tail full of slow and painful death."

"What about a Semblance?" the Huntsman prodded.

"Look, I wasn't kidding when I said I don't know how deep things went," Roman confessed. "They kept me in the dark more than half the time. The good news is HE doesn't know what MINE is. The bad news is I don't know what HIS is or if we are all royally fucked because of it. I just know that life with Fuckface is hell. Am I going to apologize for getting you wrapped up with him? No, because I can't wait to see the look on his face when he realizes I've brought actual sorcerers to play ball. But outside of that, if I NEVER see him again, it will be too fucking soon."

"Then, should we cross paths again, we shall simply have to instruct him in a very valuable lesson," Snatcher suggested. "Namely: why belittling and spitting on the name of Roman Torchwick is a very, VERY unwise decision."

"Say the word, and he's dead meat!" Mim said chipperly.

"I'd like to take a crack at wiping that smug grin off his face," Wuya added.

"Smug grins?" Peter contributed. "Theatricalities? Feats of physical dexterity in battle? This is SQUARELY my territory, and I don't believe I'm going to stand for anyone moving in on it."

"See, this is why the WHAM ARMY rocks way harder than Salem's little coven," Roman said with a smile. He leaned over onto Snatcher's shoulder. "And this one is hotter than all of them combined."

"Stop, you," Snatcher replied casually, though in truth, he was always hungry for flattery.

"So let me see if I've got this," Rémington broke in, raising a gun. He used it to gesture between Roman and Snatcher. "You two are involved."

"Absolutely," Roman confirmed.

"And you two are involved," Rémington went on, gesturing between Yzma and Wuya.

"Wh-wh-WHAT?" Yzma sputtered. "Wuya? ME? Of course not!"

"Huh," Rémington remarked. "I could have sworn."

"You should have sworn differently," Wuya huffed.

Rémington could have commented on how after that, Yzma and Wuya were making a deliberate attempt to avoid eye contact with one another, but he decided it was better not to comment, mostly because Grany poked his arm with a paw as a signifier for him to shut up about that subject. "And is it just me, or am I getting vibes between these two?" He gestured to Mozenrath and the Huntsman.

"The Huntsman?" Mozenrath reiterated; the Huntsman, who couldn't see the goings-on behind him due to keeping his eyes on his path, flinched. "Can't say I've ever thought about him. Not bad-looking, a kindred spirit…all the same, no flying sparks."

Because you don't remember all we've been through, the Huntsman thought, keeping his lips tightly sealed.

"Zero for three," Rémington remarked. "But then of course, there's me and my sweet sorcière." He batted his eyes toward Mim.

"Oh, stop, you despicable bouquet of belladonna," Mim replied, blushing and batting her own eyes right back. "But of course, there's also me and Ghoulie."

"What about you two?" Rémington blinked, surprised.

"We're courting," Aghoul explained, wrapping his clammy fingers through Mim's.

Rémington needed a double take for that. "So…you and him."

"Yes," Mim confirmed.

"But I thought…you and I…?"

"Also yes," Mim said nonchalantly.

"And he…doesn't mind?" Rémington asked.

"Not a bit," Aghoul replied. "You seem disgusting enough."

"Does this mean he and I have to…?"

"By Allah, no!" Aghoul flinched. "No offense, but I'm far out of your league."

"Note taken," Rémington said with a nod.

"Still into it?" Grany hissed.

"Actually…" Rémington shrugged. "Yes. It's worth it. Though…does this mean I get other women too?"

"Of course," Mim informed him. "Go crazy. Though I know you won't find anyone half as repulsive as me."

"I buy that," Rémington said with a grin. "No one can match up to you, sweet sorcière. Believe me, I've been looking for years, and you're the first one who's actually earned more than one night."

"Smooth move, lover boy," the gun taunted.

"You shut up," Rémington grunted, holstering it. He then used his now free hand to take Mim's other hand.

"I hate public displays of affection," Mozenrath huffed. "Can we get back to what we were doing in the first place? The Eliacube? Qilby?"

"The compass hasn't changed direction," Snatcher observed.

"But perhaps it SHOULD change hands," Yzma suggested.

"Let me take a look at that." Rémington got up and slid across the trolley's dividing line to glimpse the compass. "I think I know where we're going."

"And that would be?" Snatcher asked.

"Right now, it's pointed toward the Crimson Claws archipelago," Rémington informed him. "Looks like we're heading to pay Phaerys a visit after all."

"If it's a dragon's territory we are about to walk into," the Huntsman suggested, "perhaps it is best I hold the compass."

"We've got a ways to go before the dragon," Rémington clarified. "First, we have to find a way over the sea. Grany and I did have an interesting little craft. A machine that traveled underwater. Unfortunately, we ran into some craftsmanship issues – "
"It sank," Grany interrupted. "I tried to warn him at least three times that we were sinking. He just kept driving."

"…And now we don't have it anymore," Rémington finished. "However, we are also headed in the direction most likely to yield us a new way across."

"Haven Port," Grany stated with a grin that highlighted his tiny fangs. "Home to pirates and rogues from the world over. If you put money in the right pocket, you'll have a boat. Though there are…other ways."

"Like punching the right face," Rémington clarified. "The entire operation is headed up by pirate lord Boris Eca. He lives on taxing everyone for everything. If you don't pay in kamas, you pay another way, if you get my drift. But I think a little visit from us should change his tune."

"So what you're saying," Mim reiterated, "is that we're about to enter the territory of all sorts of nasty and disgusting criminals?"

"Exactly," Grany concluded.

"MY TURN!" Mim shrieked, getting up to rip the compass out of Snatcher's hands. "It's my turn to hold the compass next! This sounds exactly like my kind of place!" She held the compass aloft.

"Well, there'll be no shutting you up unless you get your way," Snatcher grunted. "Might as well see just how badly you can steer us wrong."

"That sounds like a lovely time!" Mim gushed.

"I think the point is to actually get us in the direction of the Eliacube," Rémington argued.

"Oh, hush, you!" Mim said dismissively, lightly shoving Rémington aside. "It's my turn now, and you all have to do what I say!"

Grany noticed the flush of color overtaking Rémington's face and sighed deeply. His brother was hooked for every reason Grany thought was a deal-breaker.

"I have to admit I'm getting a little turned on right now," Rémington muttered.

"DON'T," Mozenrath growled. "I don't want to hear it."

"Can I at least suggest one stop along the way?" Aghoul asked.

"I'll take it into consideration," Mim said haughtily. "No promises."

"Somewhere to change clothes," Aghoul suggested. "I'm sure I speak for all of us when I say we're NOT changing in front of everyone else."

They'd all forgotten for a moment that they were still wearing their disguises; it took a moment for this to sink in.

"Well, I agree for the most part," Roman stated. "I wouldn't mind if Archie ripped this dress right off me, but everyone else? Not happening."

"Nor would I be opposed to Torchwick taking his sweet time unlacing – " Snatcher began.

He was cut off by Mozenrath's "AAAAAAAAAAAARGH! I SAID I DIDN'T WANT TO HEAR IT!" as he covered his ears for dramatic effect.

"All right, steamy talk stops now before Mozenrath has a temper tantrum," Yzma demanded.

"I AM NOT HAVING A TEMPER TANTRUM!" Mozenrath insisted.

"Right," Yzma corrected. "Steamy talk stops before Mozenrath expresses slight distaste."

The sarcasm was lost on Mozenrath.

"All right," Mim relented. "A quick stop to change clothes, then it's on to the den of pirates and thieves! Oh, we're going to have SUCH a good time!"

Rémington made his way back to his seat, but was waved down by Mozenrath. Curious, Rémington plopped down next to the young sorcerer. "Yes?"

"The Eliacube," Mozenrath asked. "We're looking for it because it has a connection to time. That got me wondering: does it actually facilitate time travel?"

"Well, they say Nox, the Xelor – that's a time wizard – wanted to use it to reverse time for centuries," Rémington explained.

"And did he succeed?"
"Yes. In reversing time by twelve seconds."

"Oh."
"Apparently the cube can turn back time," Rémington went on, "but it consumes more energy than would make it worth it. Better just to take it for your spell."

"Duly noted," Mozenrath said, a little disappointed.

The Huntsman slowed the trolley as soon as he spotted civilization on the horizon. "I, for one," he muttered, "will be glad to stop feeling so exposed." The open air on his face was a strange sensation.

"One of these days," Snatcher cajoled, "you really must try the skirt, Huntsman. It's quite freeing."

"Actually, it is," Mozenrath confessed. "Not that I'm not ready to get back to my usual attire."

"I shall cut you a deal," the Huntsman promised. "If Mozenrath ever restores his memories from before, I shall give a skirt a trial run."

Everyone was happy with this.

...

Xerxes had gotten lost.

Very lost.

He was sure he wasn't even supposed to be where he was. A couple impossibly wrong turns and he seemed to have found himself in a vastly different realm from what he had just been experiencing. Gone were the warming sunshine and the lush green isles, and the gently pulsing ocean had become the roof over his head. Now, all sorts of creatures were after him, a tentacle snaking out here, a bubblegum-pink tongue shooting out there, hairy claws groping to seize him and make a meal out of him.

He hastily sought out a place to hide, coming across a tucked-away cavern. As soon as he sped inside, he realized that all the monsters had stopped trying to capture him for the day's entrée. They must have given up, he thought.

It didn't occur to Xerxes that perhaps, the cave was home to something bigger and even more terrifying.

The eel stopped to get his bearings, still clutching the star shard tightly between his teeth. He then realized he had wandered into a veritable treasure trove. The floor of the cavern was littered with gold and gems, stacked up into a high mound. Xerxes hovered low to the surface, scanning for items of interest. There was nothing he wanted to trade in his star shard for, but between all the jewelry, dishware, and other decorative items, he figured at least some of it had to be magic. And magic was always of interest to Mozenrath. Xerxes had learned to keep an eye out for it.

Perhaps there was something he could take as well as the shard instead of having to trade one for another. He was very attached to the crystal, not even knowing of the power it had that had transported him to this world in the first place. But a string of multicolored beads caught Xerxes' fancy, and he figured it wouldn't be too much of a hassle to get it around what passed for his neck. He pressed his head to the ground, wriggling to get it up under the beads.

In response, the entire mound of treasure shivered, rising up. Xerxes sped away at the sudden earthquake, abandoning the beads. He zoomed toward the exit, suddenly realizing there was probably a reason no one and nothing had taken advantage of all the magical treasure simply lying around.

His tail was pinched, and he was jerked backward with intense force. Xerxes flailed, finally spinning around to see what exactly had gotten him. His tail was caught between the very tips of an enormous set of pincers belonging to what Xerxes could now see was a gigantic coconut crab; what Xerxes had taken for a mound of treasure was actually the crab's decorated shell with a layer of valuables on top. The creature was proportioned such that he could have swallowed Mozenrath whole.

"Well, well, well," the crab taunted. "What do we have here? Some little vermin trying to steal out of my collection? You must be new here. Every monster in Lalotai knows that's not allowed unless they want to get eaten."

Xerxes tried to sputter an apology, but the shard in his mouth muffled it.

"Speak up," the crab demanded. "I can't hear you around that thing in your mouth. What is that thing in your mouth, anyway? Wait. That's a – " He gasped dramatically. "That is a star shard! I've been wanting one of those! I will be taking THAT!"

Xerxes shook his head in protest as the crab's other claw reached up and, with great delicacy, pinched the tiny shard, tearing it out of Xerxes' mouth to toss into the pile of treasures on the crab's back, where it was temporarily lost from view.

"No!" Xerxes protested. "Xerxes' treasure!"

"With this star shard," the crab chuckled, "I will finally be able to travel the worlds and collect the magical, valuable, and oh-so-SHINY treasures they have to offer!"

"Star shard?" Xerxes repeated. "Travel worlds?"

"That's what a star shard does," the crab replied dryly. "You did know that, didn't you? You didn't know that. You were carrying around a star shard and you didn't even know what it did. Don't tell me it transported you to a whole new world and you didn't even notice."

"Things suddenly make lot more sense now," Xerxes admitted.

"Well, you won't be needing it anymore," the crab went on. "First off, it's mine now. And second, you're about to become an afternoon snack."

"NO!" Xerxes screamed. "NO NO NO! NO EAT XERXES! XERXES…POISONOUS!"

"That's what the last three monsters I cannibalized said," the crab sighed, "and two of them weren't even making it up." He began to guide Xerxes to his mouth. "Stop that. Stop that squirming. You're just going to make it harder for both of us."

"Xerxes…uh…" The eel frantically searched the recesses of his brain for an answer to his plight. "Xerxes want to know where you get treasure from!"

The crab halted. "What did you just say?"

"Xerxes say…crab seem like very big and powerful crab!" Xerxes said quickly. "Xerxes want know how crab get so powerful!"

"Are you just trying to get me to talk about myself…?" the crab asked suspiciously.

"May…be?"

"Because I remember what happened last time someone did that," the crab growled. He then immediately perked up: "And odds are, it is NOT going to happen twice in a row!" He flung Xerxes against the back wall. "Just let me set the stage, and I have a perfect song chosen for the occasion!"

Before Xerxes could snap out of his daze, the crab had moved an enormous slab of rock over the cave entrance. Xerxes' eyes darted about, seeking another means of egress. There was a hole in the ceiling that led to the ocean above. Perhaps he could escape that way if he could hold his breath long enough. But first, he wanted his star shard back. Now that he knew what it could do, he realized he needed it. It could very well have been his only way home. (He had forgotten about his new collar.)

"Now that that's in order," the crab announced, "my song all about me! The last people I sang it to didn't like it. Can you believe it? No accounting for taste whatsoever." After a pause, he launched into music: "Well, Tamatoa hasn't always been this glam! I was a drab little crab once! But now I know I can be happy as a clam – "

Xerxes didn't care about the lyrics one single solitary bit. What he cared about was finding his star shard. He hovered over the back of the now dancing crab, blinking rapidly to avoid being blinded by the shine of the treasures glinting off the walls. To and fro he went, looking for that small shine of blue.
"SHINY! Like a treasure from a sunken pirate wreck!" the crab crooned. "Scrub the deck and make it look SHINY! I will sparkle like a wealthy woman's neck!"

Xerxes spotted it.

And someone else spotted Xerxes.

While Xerxes had ended up in Lalotai, realm of monsters, through pure confusion, Diablo had made it there through pure determination. The raven, soaking wet, shot downward from the hole in the ceiling like a torpedo.

Xerxes let out a cry of distress as Diablo pinned him to the crab (apparently "Tamatoa")'s back. The raven slashed out with claws and beak alike; Xerxes squirmed out of Diablo's grasp before he could be mangled.

"What's going on up there?" Tamatoa barked. "I'm not finished, you know!"

The star shard came back into view; Xerxes made a beeline before clamping his teeth down over it. Diablo seized the eel's tail in both claws, cawing triumphantly.

The star shard glittered, then glowed. And suddenly, neither raven nor eel was present on that world anymore.

Tamatoa paused in surprise. He was now down his latest treasure and his most recent audience member. "…Rude."

...

The WHAM ARMY trolley rolled into a port city nestled beneath clear blue skies. Buildings stacked their way up hillsides and towered over docks that curved round the corners forged by oddly placed rock formations, giving the city a sense of great height and complexity. Bright colors festooned the wooden walls, but none of the buildings was kempt, all sporting peeling paint and splintering planks.

The trolley's occupants spilled out; Wuya phased the trolley out of existence with a wave of the hand. The eleven began a trek down the dockside, eyeing up the ships.

"We'll take the best one we can get," Rémington announced.

At the same time, Mim declared that "We'll take the worst one we can get!"

"The worst one is run by Encre Noir," Rémington said with a shudder. "You don't want to deal with him. In a den of thieves and pirates, he and his daughter are the only ones with a sense of honor. Though the daughter is pretty."

"We're certainly not having anything to do with HONOR!" Mim declared. "We'll take the SECOND worst ship we can get!"

They found the vessel they were looking for. It hardly looked as though it could stay afloat. And when the Huntsman set a single foot upon it, a resounding CRACK was audible before the ship began to sink.

"Shall we keep moving, then?" Ragdoll suggested.

Finally, the eleven arrived at a boat that was worn and rickety enough to fit Mim's aesthetic but solid enough to carry them some distance. The deck was being mopped – with muddy water and a dirty mop – by a pirate with catlike features, pointed ears and all.

"Hey, Ecaflip!" Rémington called out. "Who do we have to talk to to buy this boat?"

"We could just steal it," Roman whispered to Mim. "Knock this one guy out and sail off into the horizon."

"Yes, but where would be the fun in that?" Mim asked. "I'm not leaving until we get a good bout of violence in!"

"The pirate lord has control over this ship," the Ecaflip crewman informed the group. "You want to sail it, you'll have to talk to him." He grinned. "Though he's not going to let you walk away with it so easily."

"I should hope not," Ragdoll taunted. "You can't really WALK away over the ocean, now, can you?"

"Wise guy, huh?" the Ecaflip responded. "Actually, if you weren't dressed like a Xelor, I might mistake you for…"

He then got a good look at Rémington and Grany and began to laugh. "It's you! It's actually you!"

"He knows you," Mozenrath commented. "That's not good, is it?"

"It's fine," Rémington stated. "If he knows me, he knows what I'm capable of doing. And he knows I'm more than a match for Boris Eca."

That sent the Ecaflip into even louder laughter. "Just go downtown," he managed in between guffaws. "The pirate lord…he'll want to see you!"

"Gladly," Mim said haughtily. "We want to see him!"

"Oh, I bet you will!" the Ecaflip continued to chortle.

"Something's off here," Mozenrath observed as the entire group walked back down the dock. "He found that far too amusing."

"Not too late to knock him out and leave," Roman suggested.

"I have the compass!" Mim reminded everyone. "And we're doing this my way! Rémington, lead the way!"

"At once, sweet sorcière," Rémington said obediently, taking the lead of the group.

Downtown was found over a maze of docks; the buildings here were mostly fashioned out of the remainders of old ships. Two muscular guards stood before the largest structure.

"Take it away," Rémington said softly, gesturing toward the door.

Mim stomped right up to the bulky guards. "Let us in," she commanded.

Both guards looked to her, then to the rest of the group, then to one another. They broke out in equally wide smiles. "Of course!" they said as one.

"That's what I was HOPING you'd say!" Mim crowed, beginning to roll up her sleeve…before realizing they'd said exactly the opposite of what she expected. "Wait a minute, no! That's NOT what I was hoping you'd say! I was hoping you'd say 'no' so I could knock both your lights out!"

"How could we possibly deny Rémington and Grany Smisse entry?" one of the guards said, grinning wide.

"By all means," the other said. "Enter as our GUESTS." He stepped aside and gestured at the door.

"I don't like this, Rémy," Grany hissed. "Something's very, very wrong here!"

"Hush," Rémington told him. "They're just having a little bit of fun with us. It's not our fault our reputation precedes us. Boris Eca probably wants to be able to say he bested the brothers Smisse."

"Did you hear that?" the first guard said, trying not to break out laughing. "He said BORIS ECA probably wants to best them!"

"Rémy!" Grany hissed. "Let's just leave!"

"No," Rémington insisted.

"This better not be about you following that woman!" Grany yowled.

"And if it is?" Rémington countered.

"Then there's no saving you," Grany sighed.

"Well, you're very kind to let us in with hardly an invitation," Mim informed the guards. "There's just one little problem. I came here looking to knock some lights out. And if you're going to make it too easy for us, we're at least going to PRETEND we had a hard time bringing you into submission."

She held up a fist. Rémington held up both guns. Roman held up the Cudgel. Snatcher held up his own weapon. The Huntsman held up the huntstaff. Mozenrath held up his glowing right hand. Wuya held up both hands, glowing. Yzma held up her atlatl. Aghoul held up a scythe. Ragdoll held up a hand and waved, mouthing the word "goodbye!".

From inside, the patrons of the seedy bar heard the brief scuffle before the unconscious bodies of both guards were thrown through the door to herald Mim's entrance. "All right, you ruffians!" she called out, the rest of the WHAM ARMY striding in behind her. "Which one of you is Boris Eca?"

There was a moment of silence. Then the sudden uproar of everyone in the bar bursting into laughter at once.

"Boris Eca!" one of the patrons laughed. "He was run out of town two years ago!"

"But we were told to beat up the – to talk to the pirate lord about getting a ship to sail to the Crimson Claws archipelago," Mim argued.

"Oh, there's a pirate lord all right," the patron explained. "But it's not Boris Eca!"

Another patron was knocking on one of the back doors. "Guess who's here to see you?" he called out. "Little Rémy and Grany!"

Realization hit both of the Smisse brothers at once: "You…don't think…"

"I'm starting to think!"

The back door slammed open. A tall man, tanned and muscular, dressed in the black of a rogue, stormed out. "Rémy and Grany," he greeted with a leer, fixing his eyes upon the brothers Smisse. "It's been too long!"

"Who is this?" Mim asked.

"The pirate lord," the patron informed her. "Smisse Mond."

"Relative of yours?" Roman asked Rémington.

"Distantly," Rémington said coldly.

"Oh, come on, Rémy!" Mond laughed. "We're family, aren't we? Just because I'm stronger, smarter, and more successful than you shouldn't mean hard feelings!"

"Oh yeah?" Grany countered. "I was stronger and smarter than you, remember? Want me to put you in your place, just like I did in old times when you would talk smack about Rémy?"

"Put me in my place!" Mond repeated. "You're a Bow Meow, Grany. I could snap your spine with my boot if I wanted. But we ARE family, so I won't do that. I'll just kick you into the ocean instead. You can still swim, right?"

Rémington swept Grany up into his arms protectively.

Mond burst out into guffaws. "YOU protecting HIM! Now that's rich! How about I kick you BOTH into the ocean?"

"You knock that off this second!" Mim barked. "I'm the only one who gets to talk to Rémy like that!"

"And what are you going to do to me – " Mond's eyes traveled down to rest on Mim. "You…ugly, ugly woman?"

"Don't you try and flatter me!" Mim snapped, grabbing the front of Mond's shirt and pulling him down to her level. "We want a ship, and we're not leaving until we get it!"

"A ship, huh?" Mond repeated. "We might be able to work something out."

"I don't want to work things out!" Mim barked. "I want to FORCE you to hand over that ship!"

"At least hear out my terms," Mond told Mim. "You may just find them appealing."

"I doubt it," Mim huffed, letting go of Mond. "But let's hear it out."

Mond straightened up to full height. "Six years ago, Boris Eca gave away one of his prized ships to a tiny little boy, a frail old man, a freak of nature, and a delicate little girl," he announced. "They beat him at four competitions of skill. I am willing to let my relatives here take any ship of mine they want if they can beat me at these four competitions. They are: eating a whole pot of the house special, arm wrestling, mental arithmetic, and skill shooting."

"Rémyyyyyyy!" Grany hissed. "I could have had a shot at beating him at some of those things, but you can't beat him in a single one of those things!"

"Well, I propose an addition to the challenge!" Mim barked. "Rémy and Grany won't have to beat you at anything…if his partners in crime can! That's us!"

Mond looked over the motley group. "You?" His eyes traveled across the others. "That young brat with only one glove? That old purple man? That old woman who's practically falling apart? That beanpole Xelor? That skinny carrot-top kid? That fat old man? That…" He paused. "That…redhead…"

Mond cut through the crowd, sweeping Wuya up into his arms. "My darling," he told her, "you are far too gorgeous of a flower to be seen with this group of hideous people. Come with me. Be my pirate queen. All I ask is that you serve me three meals a day and rub my feet whenever I ask, and I shall be your – "

It took him a moment to register what happened next. Wuya had struck, and while he hadn't believed it possible of a woman of her stature, Mond was suffering intense pain in his jaw and stomach, and Wuya had wrenched out of his grip to stand back on the floor. "Try that again and I'll rip that jawbone right off," she growled.

"Hmph." Mond adjusted his jaw, taking a look at the last member of the group. "I'll accept your terms on one condition." He pointed to the Huntsman. "He can't compete. We want this to be a FAIR challenge, after all."

"I think you'll find those terms are somewhat different from your definition of 'fair,'" the Huntsman replied. In our favor, he added mentally.

"Rémy," Mond said with a grin, "Grany, you sure have found yourselves a pathetic pack of rogues to follow you. The one in the skull helmet looks like the only one with any skill whatsoever."

"We'll just let the results speak for themselves," Rémington huffed.

"Yeah!" Grany punctuated.

"Then let the contest begin!" Mond declared. "Order up a round of drinks!"

As two pots filled to the brim with what looked like sludge mixed with the dismembered body parts of raw sea creatures, eyeballs included, were brought out to the table, along with a flagon of beer for each and every one of Mond's cheering squad, Mim pulled Mozenrath aside. "You want to have some real fun?" she whispered to him.

"I guess," Mozenrath replied. "What did you have in mind?"

Mond spotted Mim and Mozenrath whispering. "Do you have a first contestant or not?" he barked.

"Yes, we do!" Mim announced proudly, hopping forward as Mozenrath faded into the background. "And it's me!"

Roman reached over and tapped the arm of the waiter distributing beers. "I'll have one of those."

"You pay double," the waiter grunted.

"Yeah, yeah," Roman huffed, searching his pocket. "Wait a second. What happened to my – "

"I'll foot his bill," Ragdoll offered, emptying out a bulging purse.

As the waiter left the beer and moved on across the room, Roman glared at Ragdoll. "Did you just pick my pocket to spot my beer?"

"Yes."

"WHY?"

"Because it was fun."

"Eh, can't argue with that logic." Roman turned a chair around to straddle it backward, taking a deep draught.

"You're having ANOTHER beer?" Yzma commented. "You just got over your last hangover!"

"Geez, Mom, I'm just having the one," Roman replied.

"FOR THE LAST TIME, I AM NO ONE'S MOTHER!" Yzma yowled.

Mim and Mond squared off at opposite ends of the table. The pots of slimy stew were set before them. "On your mark!" the server who'd brought the food, or at least what the pirates tried to rebrand as "food," called out. "Get ready! Aaaaaand…CHOW DOWN!"

Mond and Mim plunged spoons into the pots, eagerly wolfing down the disgusting dregs. At first, it seemed like an even contest, but after so much, it was apparent that Mond was slowing down, repugnance clear across his face. Mim, however, genuinely enjoyed the taste of the slightly edible slop, and she quite forgot after a while that eating it was a contest.

Mond ended up staring at the last few spoonfuls of the food in the pot, trying not to throw up what he'd just forced down. Mim polished her portion off, momentarily giving herself a hummingbird-length tongue to lick out the inside of the pot. "That was delightful!" she crowed. "Can I have the recipe?" This was punctuated with a loud and rude belch.

One victory was declared.

"You doing all right on your own?" Mim asked Mozenrath as she returned to his side.

"Well," he admitted, "I'm not sure I have quite the touch you do."

Wuya took the seat across from Mond, staring him down. She slammed one arm, elbow first, down onto the tabletop. "Let's go," she demanded.

"Give me but a moment to caress your delicate fingers first," Mond cajoled.

"Don't make me break them," Wuya threatened. "We want the skill shooting contest to be fair, don't we?"

Mond put down his own arm, elbow first. "On the count of three," the food server, acting as the official referee, declared. "One! Two! THREE!"

Mond and Wuya locked hands. On their own, they were an even match; Mond wrote off his struggle to being distracted by Wuya's beauty, when in reality, she just had enough raw strength from her years of practice in battle to hold him back. However, in order to take the win, she knew a little bit of cheating was in order.

Mond felt a sudden jolt of electricity run through the muscles of his arm, rendering him unable to hold it up. Wuya slammed it down onto the table. "Looks like I win," she bragged.

"I'm just…having an off day," Mond told her. "How can you expect me to keep my concentration when I'm looking at – "

"There are several body parts you WON'T need in order to continue this contest," Wuya growled.

"Which we will be more than happy to help her remove should your commentary continue," the Huntsman backed up, brandishing his spear.

Mond didn't say a word as Wuya walked back into the crowd.

"I must say I'm flattered," Aghoul told her. "You've never threatened to dismember me."

"First of all, because I know it won't work," Wuya told him. "Second of all, don't push your luck. And third, I like you."

"And when you say 'like' – "

"Like the annoying brother I never wanted."

Mozenrath took his place at the seat next. "So you're the one who's supposed to be smarter than me?" Mond asked.

"Do your worst," Mozenrath demanded.

"Let's start by assuming I have an honest job that pays me 2,501 kamas a week," Mond stated. "After working for 500 weeks, I loan a friend twelve percent of my earnings for ten percent of the time. I put a rate of three percent interest on the loan…"

On and on he went, adding complication after complication to the question. Mozenrath added each new fact to a space he'd cleared out to act as a bulletin board, moving figures around as though rearranging pages and combining them with imaginary staples.

"…and taking that into account, how many times can I rent that ship with my net gain?" Mond concluded.

It took Mozenrath a few minutes of nail-biting silence to move the last figures into place. "I'd say you have about enough to rent it fifty times," he said at last. "Actually, closer to 50.785, but there's really no point in renting 785-thousandths of a boat, is there? But I'm guessing you didn't know that. You spent so much time making the question as complicated as possible, you didn't bother to figure out the answer yourself."

"That's not true!" Mond snapped. "It's…it's…"

He looked back to his cheering squad, who had brought out abacuses to make the tally. "It looks like it's just under fifty-one," one of them stated after hard calculation.

"You idiot!" Mond barked. "You're supposed to lie to make it look like he got it wrong!"

"Now, here's one for you," Mozenrath responded. "Say I have rented a ship, but instead of traveling the sea, I'm going upriver. It takes me five hours…"

He then launched into his own set of complications, aiming to make his word problem just as complex as if not more so than Mond's. He watched Mond grow more and more concerned the longer he went on.

"In conclusion," Mozenrath asked, "which boat wins the race? Mine, Mim's, Wuya's, Roman's, or yours?"

"…Yours?" Mond guessed. "Actually, it is DEFINITELY yours. I know that, being that I'm so smart!"

"Mim's and Roman's tie," Mozenrath said definitively as he got up from the table. "Idiot."

"Well, you won't beat me at shooting!" Mond growled, drawing his gun. "Watch how I land my shot straight through the heart of a moving target!"

It took Mozenrath a moment to process, as he was walking away, that Mond was referring to him. In that moment, a gunshot rang out. A blast connected with Mond's weapon without doing any damage to his hand, causing the pirate lord to drop the gun to the floor.

"Hope you don't mind I borrowed your cousin's gun," Roman said casually, twirling Rémington's pistol in his hand. "See, I figured the goal here was pinpoint accuracy, NOT blowing up as much as possible, which is kinda what I had in mind when I designed the Cudgel."

Mond simply stared at him in disbelief.

"And, see, I thought for our contest, we'd be using darts or knives or something and those targets on the wall over there," Roman continued, motioning to a set of bullseye targets mounted on the far wall. "And I was expecting to have to do something like this – "

He shot directly through the center of the first target from where he sat.

"Or this – "

The second target received a similar shot.

"Or even this!"

The remaining of the targets were shot in quick succession.

"Buuuuuut I guess you wanna do things the hard way," Roman went on. "Then again, you are more of a sword guy, it looks like." He eyed the dual cutlasses sheathed at Mond's waist, one on either side. "Let's not bring a knife to a gun fight, okay?"

Two more shots, and the cutlass holsters were detached from Mond's belt, the swords clanging to the floor.

"I rest my case," Roman said as he handed the gun back over to Rémington. "Unless you want to try putting holes in any more of my friends. In which case…" He picked up the Cudgel. "Did I mention this thing was designed to blow up EVERYTHING?"

"All right, all right," Mond relented. "You win. I won't even compete. Just have the victory."

"And I did all of that slightly drunk," Roman bragged as he took another deep drink of beer.

"So, I'm guessing you want to hear what you've won," Mond announced.

Mozenrath shot a glance to Mim. She shook her head, mouthing the word "Stall."

"Actually," Mozenrath told Mond, "I want to make it a little more interesting. One more challenge…and I get to name it."

"All right," Mond agreed.

"You're not even going to ask what it is?"

"I'm confident I can beat you at it," Mond boasted.

"Oh, it won't be me you'll have to beat," Mozenrath said slyly, recalling one of the pieces of trivia Roman had told him during their drunken and caffeinated night in Brakmar. "It'll be my man Archibald Snatcher."

"Hello," Snatcher said teasingly, waving.

"HIM?" Mond let out a solid laugh. "He doesn't look like he's worth even an eighth of his weight in gold! Tell you what. I'll challenge your man to the game of your choice. Fighting, shooting, eating, math, whatever. And when I win, I don't just keep my boat. I get your redhead."

"WHAT?" Wuya seethed.

"Deal," Mozenrath said smugly.

"MOZENRATH!" Wuya growled.

"Relax," Mozenrath told her. "We're not going to lose."

"So what's the name of the game?" Mond asked. "Cards? Knives?"

"Singing," Mozenrath stated. "You win if you can sing a higher note than him."

A brief moment of regret flashed across Mond's face. Then, faking confidence, he said, "Done."

The following event saw him squeaking to eke out a flat note while Snatcher confidently held one note higher, then continued to rise.

Mim gave Mozenrath a nod, and Mozenrath strode forward to meet the thoroughly defeated Mond. "It looks like we win," Mozenrath stated. "Now give us our boat."

"You know what?" Mond replied with a leer. "I've changed my mind. I'm not going to let you have the boat after all."

"YOU LYING, DIRTY – " Wuya pounded her fist on a table.

Mozenrath held up a hand in her direction. "Just wait."

"We're pirates!" Mond continued. "Dirty lying is how we do business! Now, I think we should have a celebratory toast before we put these interlopers to bed with the fishes!"

"Even us?" Rémington asked shakily.

"Of course not," Mond told his relative. "We're family! I'm not going to leave either of you to die! I'm just going to chain you up and have you watch me drown the others. You should know better by now than to run with a band of rogues that isn't family, Rémy. Though, Grany, I might throw you out to sea as far as I can just for a little fun. You'll survive, I think. Bow Meows can swim, right?"

"Just get to the toast," Mozenrath said coldly.

"To cheating!" Mond announced, raising his glass high. He and everyone else in the room save for the WHAM ARMY – now including Rémington and Grany – took long, deep swigs.

"Mim?" Mozenrath prompted. "Would you like to do the honors?"

"We thought you might feel that way about us winning," Mim explained. "That's why we poisoned all your beers when you weren't looking!"

Mond set down his now empty flagon, giving Mim a confused look. "You what…?"

As the two pots had been brought out to the table, along with a flagon of beer for each and every one of Mond's cheering squad, Mim pulled Mozenrath aside. "You want to have some real fun?" she whispered to him.

"I guess," Mozenrath replied. "What did you have in mind?"

"He's not going to let us have the boat whether we win or not," Mim whispered. "I say we poison him and his whole crew!"

"You know this for sure? Or are you just looking for an excuse to poison somebody?"

"Does it matter? Besides, I'm the only one who gets to tell off my Rémy! I can poison each and every flagon here with just a simple touch. And I bet you can too! Just think the nastiest, most despicable thoughts you can muster up while stirring the beer with your finger! Give it a try!"

Mond spotted Mim and Mozenrath whispering. "Do you have a first contestant or not?" he barked.

"Yes, we do!" Mim announced proudly, hopping forward as Mozenrath faded into the background. "And it's me!"

As Mim bounced forward, Mozenrath stalked around the room, waiting for each of Mond's cronies to leave their drink unattended. He then dipped in a finger, willing up the Darkest magic he could think of; the liquid seemed to darken a shade. He wasn't altogether confident he hadn't just created an elixir to induce a strong coma instead of death.

It seemed to take altogether too long for Mim to finish up the eating contest. "You doing all right on your own?" Mim asked Mozenrath as she returned to his side.

"Well," he admitted, "I'm not sure I have quite the touch you do."

"Oh, you'll get the hang of it!" Mim told him with a sharp clap on the back; nether paid much attention to Wuya stepping up to the plate to arm wrestle Mond. "I'm sure you've slated several people for a nasty and painful death already! But don't worry. Now you've got me on your side, and murder is my specialty!"

Together, Mozenrath and Mim split up, seeking unattended drinks set down in the heat of watching the competition in order to taint them. Mozenrath was briefly called away to match wits with Mond at math, after which he returned to his sordid task.

Roman humbled Mond with his shooting display. "And I did all of that slightly drunk," Roman bragged as he took another deep drink of beer.

"So, I'm guessing you want to hear what you've won," Mond announced.

Mozenrath shot a glance to Mim. She shook her head, mouthing the word "Stall." She had only a few glasses left to go.

And so he suggested the fifth challenge. By the time it took Snatcher to outperform Mond with his musical ability, Mim had finished the job. And when Mond had delivered the news that he intended to show Mozenrath a watery grave instead of a boat…

"We thought you might feel that way about us winning. That's why we poisoned all your beers when you weren't looking!"

Mond set down his now empty flagon, giving Mim a confused look. "You what…?"

He was then seized by paralysis, saliva foaming at his mouth. He clutched his throat with both hands; he knocked the flagon to the floor, where it crashed open. The others in the room – everyone save Mim, Mozenrath, Yzma, the Huntsman, Snatcher, Roman, Aghoul, Wuya, Ragdoll, Rémington, and Grany – experienced the same phenomenon, muscles seizing up and shuddering with pain as their spit drooled unbidden out of their mouths. Within five minutes, they had all hit the floor, stone dead.

Mim doubled over in hysterical laughter. "They didn't even see that COMING!" she howled.

"MIM!" Roman screamed. "ARE YOU SERIOUS?"

"What?" Mim rebutted. "Don't tell me you grew a conscience about these filthy pirates!"

"No!" Roman argued. "I set down my beer next to someone else's when I picked up Rémy's gun to kick that jerkass' jerk ass at shooting, and I didn't know which glass was mine! So I figure it's not gonna KILL ME to drink out of somebody else's beer, and I just pick a glass! You could have killed ME!"

"Mozenrath could have just brought you back," Aghoul reminded him.

"Still don't remember how to do that," Mozenrath pointed out.

"Oh, you're fine," Mim said dismissively. "Obviously, you DIDN'T pick the wrong glass, or you'd be on the floor with the rest of them. Now come on! We have a boat to commandeer! Actually, we probably have ALL the boats now!"

"You know I love it when you commit mass homicide," Aghoul said sweetly, wrapping his arms around Mim's neck from behind and clasping his hands above her chest.

"And there's more where that came from," Mim promised him, turning to kiss him on the cheek.

"Well," Ragdoll remarked as he looked over the corpses, "times like these, only one thing you can say."

"Mister Twister, don't," Roman groaned. "Everyone's dead. There is absolutely no reason for you to say – "

"TOODLES!" Ragdoll called out as he exited the bar. The others began to file out.

"Toodles?" Mozenrath remarked. "That's an annoying catchphrase."

"Get used to it, Lord Mozenrath," Snatcher sighed.

Soon, all had left but Rémington and Grany.

"I…can't believe it," Rémington said shakily. "She…she killed everyone in here. I…I think…"

"I think maybe we should ditch these people before they decide to do that to US," Grany argued.

"…I think I love her," Rémington concluded.

"WHAT?" Grany shrieked. "She killed one of our relatives! There's supposed to be no closer bond than a rogue family, remember? How can you still – "
"Grany," Rémington interrupted, "tell me something. Are you really, REALLY, honestly going to miss Mond?"

"Well…no…"

"She did this FOR us," Rémington insisted. "She said she's the only one who gets to threaten me." He smiled. "They all did this for us. I think they think THEY'RE our rogue family now."

"There's just no talking sense into you, is there?" Grany sighed.

"If you want to leave," Rémington told him, "you're free to go."

"Then who would look after you?" Grany protested. "I'm not leaving you alone with these psychopaths!"

"Oh, Rémy!" Mim called back into the bar. "Are you coming or not?"

"At once, sweet sorcière!" Rémington responded, and Grany didn't protest as Rémington carried him out after the rest of the WHAM ARMY.

As the rickety but functional boat containing the eleven set out to sea, Mozenrath and Mim looked out over the rear railing.

"You're…really something," Mozenrath told Mim. "You might just be the most dangerous person I've ever met."

"Now, coming from you, I know that's not just flattery," Mim said with a smile.

"We tried thievery. We tried diplomacy. And your way to solve a problem was to murder an entire room full of people."

"Fun, isn't it?"

"Actually, it was," Mozenrath confessed. "Liberating, too. And definitely cutting the Gordian knot. Things are never boring with you around, are they?"

"If they are, I'm not doing my job right," Mim bragged. "Speaking of which…this. All this. It's missing something."

"What?" Mozenrath asked, looking back at all the ships lined up in an orderly fashion at the edge of the harbor that was rapidly diminishing in perspective size. "A giant fire on all those ships?"

"Yes! That's EXACTLY it!"

"That was a joke – "

Mim waved her hand, and every boat within her field of vision was suddenly set aflame. A cacophony of screams rose up from the harbor, then faded from audibility as the WHAM ARMY ship kept on sailing.

Mozenrath stared, wide-eyed, for a moment. Then he confessed, "That was actually really satisfying to watch."

"I know, right?"

And the ship disappeared over the horizon as Haven Port went up in flames.