I've had a little writers block recently, so it took me a little while to get through this chapter. But in good news, the next chapter is almost finished as well, so it won't be as long a gap for the next installment.

BPOV

I found it impossible to sleep that night. My mind and my body were restless. I lay awake, staring into the darkness. One thought after the other flitted through my head, like a mosquito trapped in the room. My entire body prickled, and when I closed my eyes my limbs began to feel enormous, jolting me out of any relaxation I might have felt.

Thoughts of all the ways I'd had my hopes and dreams torn away from me ran wild . Whenever I closed my eyes I saw Edward walking away from me in disgust. I felt the pain of waking up in the hospital to the news of Jake's death. I remembered the agony of losing my son. It was like I was cursed, forbidden to have the future I'd always wanted.

By three o'clock the anxiety had settled in my stomach, making me feel extremely nauseous. I rolled into a ball, hugging a pillow to my chest and silently cried. By five o'clock I was exhausted, and knew that I wouldn't be of any use at work today. Batting my hand around the bedside table, I found my phone. The screen blinded me in the still dark room, my eyes felt dry and scratchy, and it hurt to focus them. I quickly called the school and left a message on the absentee hotline, then sent messages to the other English teachers, Angelica, Leanne and Tim, to give them a heads up. Lastly, I sent a text to Jasper to let him know that I'd called in sick and he wouldn't need to pick me up today.

Deciding I couldn't lay in bed a second longer, I padded down the hall to the bathroom. I contemplated having a shower, but worried that I would collapse if I had to stand for that long. Instead I decided on making a cup of peppermint tea to settle my aching stomach. Once it was done I curled up on the sofa to wait for it to cool, morning news on quietly in the background. Without even realising it, and before I'd even touched my tea, I fell asleep.

It was close to one p.m. when I woke up. The sun was streaming into the living room, bathing the sofa in warm light and making me feel like I was on fire. Sitting up, I turned the television off and grabbed my phone. There were multiple messages from my other English teachers letting me know that they had my classes covered and to not worry. I had a few messages from Jasper asking if I was ok, but they had stopped when school had started. I also had more recent messages from both Emmett and Rose, with one from the latter arriving only minutes ago.

Rose wanted to know if I was ok, what was wrong, and did I need anything. When I hadn't responded her texts got more worried. I quickly sent off an explanation that I had a stomach bug and hadn't felt well enough to work. I told her I was going to hop in the shower and head back to bed, so hopefully she wouldn't bombard me with messages all afternoon.

I felt more human after a shower, washing my hair and scrubbing my skin clean. I spent the rest of the afternoon getting some class planning done, while a stupid rom-com played on the Hallmark chanel.

I made it to school on Wednesday, though I could tell Jasper was concerned with how quiet I still was on the drive there. I hadn't responded to any other texts from Rose yesterday, so she probably told him to keep an eye on me. He kept trying to start a conversation, but my lackluster responses ment he got nowhere. Luckily, between him, Rose, and Emmett, Jasper was the most laid back. He usually read people's moods really well, so he knew when to push and when to let things lie. It also made him the most perceptive, and I really didn't want to face the root of my current emotional state.

I had yard duty and recess and offered to take both Angelica and Tim's duty at lunch, telling them I was still feeling a little off, so wouldn't be eating, and also as a way to thank them for covering my classes yesterday. A light drizzle had settled over the city, making the air feel heavy and soaking into everything it touched, though it wasn't enough to stop the children playing outside at break. I still felt all twisted up, and the cool droplets felt refreshing as they dotted my face. Luckily, children are a good distraction from lingering thoughts so I didn't have much time for my mind to dwell.

When I made it back to the English staff room to stash my raincoat, I checked my phone and saw Jasper had sent me a message over lunch.

J: Why do I get the feeling you're avoiding me?

B: I'm not avoiding you. Still feeling a bit off is all

J: If you say so

B: I say so :)

Knowing that wouldn't truly appease him, I slipped my phone back into my pocket, grabbed my laptop and headed off to my junior creative writing class. Fortunately for me I had my department planning meeting Wednesday afternoons, and I usually got a ride home with Leanne. That gave me till tomorrow morning to pull myself together and put on a normal face before I had to see Jasper again.

However, it seemed my luck had run out when I saw Rose's car in the carpark of my apartment building after Leanne dropped me off. Jasper must have been truly worried about me if he called in the big guns. I trudged up the stairs to the second floor and took a deep breath as I stopped by my front door. Rose had a key, so I knew she'd let herself in. She was probably sitting on the couch, flipping through a magazine or channel surfing, waiting to pounce on me the moment I walked in.

She was actually in the kitchen, making dinner. Rose had really struggled to find foods she could stomach at the moment, so I knew what was bubbling on the stove would most likely be fettuccine alfredo. I dropped my bags on the table by the door and walked towards the delicious smell.

"Hey," I called out. "What are you doing here?"

"Cooking dinner," Rose responded dryly as I came around the wall into the kitchen. She had set two places at my small round dining table in the corner, so I knew she wanted to talk. If she'd been here to hang out we'd be eating in front of the t.v rewatching episodes of Outlander.

"Did Jasper send you?" I asked suspiciously.

Rose cocked an eyebrow at me. "He may have mentioned you were being quiet. And I hadn't heard from you." This time she gave me a stink eye, crossing her arms above the growing swell of her baby bump. "But it was actually something your brother said that made me come over tonight."

That gave me pause. My brother was a pretty easy going guy, and he very rarely worried about much. He faced most things with a smile and a joke, so he must have been serious if whatever he said prompted this drop in interrogation from his wife. "What did Emmett say?"

The timer on the stove went off and Rose rushed to drain the pasta. "Why don't you go get comfortable and I'll plate this up. We can talk while we eat."

Feeling slightly uneasy, I agreed and went to go get out of my work clothes. By the time I returned in my sweats there was a bowl of pasta and a glass of white wine, which I seized greedily. "Thank you, oh beautiful maiden! You have blessed me with the nectar of the gods."

Rose laughed as she sat down. "You're welcome, weirdo." Her pregnancy was really starting to show now, and she didn't actually look that comfortable. She sifted a few times before finally finding a position on the chair that didn't make her face twinge. This was one of the problems of carrying the child of man Emmetts size. Jake had been a large man too, and I remembered well how uncomfortable it could be.

We began to eat, talking about our day. Rose filled me in on some of the latest news to come out of the nurses station. For years Rose and I had been sharing the bizarre and awful names people give to their children. Between the babies she'd brought into the world and the students I'd taught, we'd built up quite a list. The new entrant from her shift today was Blayzin. Neither of us could contain our giggles as she recounted the story of the parents revealing the name of their beautiful baby boy to the stunned audience of nurses.

After our laughter had subsided I steeled myself. Rose had come here for a reason, so I might as well suck it up and get the conversation over with."So what did Emmett say that brought you over here tonight?" I asked as I twirled my fork through my pasta, watching her as I brought another bite to my mouth.

Rose took a quick drink of her ice tea. "He thinks you've been turtling because you're about to turn thirty and you're freaking out," she said with only a slight note of amusement. I could tell she thought this might be the truth as well.

I was glad I had a mouthful of food so I could have a moment to think while I chewed, bobbing my head to indicate I was hurrying to swallow. Rose's response was honestly not what I was expecting, but it was also understandable. I had forgotten that my family had no idea about the drama that had been raging inside of me for over a week now. It made sense that that's what Emmett would think was going on, considering the way he had overreacted when he had turned thirty and with my birthday happening on the weekend. I battled for a few seconds on whether I wanted to tell the truth or not, but the avoidist in me won out over the part of me that wanted to talk to her best friend.

Emmett was right, I was turtling. It was what he called it when I pulled back and shut off. When we were kids, if there was something I didn't want to face, I retreated. I'd lock myself up in my room until I had found a way to deal with it, then pretend it had never existed. I'd started to break that pattern of behaviour when I'd begun going to the counselling sessions after losing my son, but it was hard not to fall back into old habits. Even still, one thing grief counselling had been teaching me was that there was no shame in dealing with things in your own time.

"It's not exactly where I thought I'd be at this stage in my life," I responded after finally swallowing the pasta. It wasn't really even a lie. It was a truth, but it just so happened to be unrelated to my current behaviour.

Rose reached out over the table and took my hands that were now lying empty beside my plate. I could see tears forming in her eyes. "Hon, you've had some pretty horrible things happen to you the last couple of years. Stuff that has tried to tear you down. But each and every time, you've gotten back up. You've said "fuck that" and instead of letting it crush you, you became stronger. You should be so proud of yourself, because your entire family is proud of you." She released my hands and we both wiped our eyes, since we'd both started to cry.

"Besides," she continued with a light laugh. "You deserve to celebrate something! And thirty is so not a big deal anymore, Bella." We both laughed, the tension relieved from the room.

"I love you, Rose," I said, catching her hand as she reached to pick up her iced tea and giving it a quick squeeze in thanks. "And I'll promise to remember what a boss bitch I am."

"You better," Rose punctuated, pointing her fork at me. We started laughing again, and the rest of dinner felt normal. It was like some of the tension that had been building in my shoulders had been relieved and, after more than a week, I felt like I was able to finally relax a little.

Rose was right. The universe had thrown blows so hard at me I almost couldn't get back up again, but I did. If I could survive all that, why was I getting my panties so in a twist over a practical stranger? It was like the man who had possessed my dreams had stepped out of my unconscious mind and was infecting my every waking thought. Sure, the sight of him made my heart jump and the sound of his voice made my body quiver, but was he really worth getting myself so worked up about?

A small voice niggled at the back of my thought whispering yes.

The next chapter will be coming fairly soon :)