Hello again everyone! I hope you're ready for another chapter, fresh off the press!

There are some themes in this chapter that some people might not agree with, and that's fine. But if you do have any disagreements, please be respectful in the comments :)

EPOV

I had to knock on the door of Alice's apartment twice before I heard movement from inside. It was early afternoon on a Saturday, but I doubted she was only just now getting out of bed. That would have been very unlike my sister. She'd always been the type that rose early and went to bed late, filling up every moment she was conscious. When the door eventually did open, it looked like Alice had been crying. Her eyes were red, and it looked like she had splashed water over her face on her way to answer the door. She was also obviously surprised to see me.

"Edward?" she gasped, eyes going wide. "I… I wasn't expecting you… was I?" She looked so adorably confused, she reminded me of what she was like as a little girl.

I couldn't help but chuckle. "No," I said, sobering quickly when the reason for my visit came back to me. "We need to walk about Monday, and just… you know, talk again."

The confusion was gone from her eyes as she raised a brow at me, leaning on the doorframe with her arms crossed. "It's not that we need to talk, it's that you need to talk to me."

I could feel the annoyance at my sister bubbling in my stomach, but I tried to keep the revelations I'd had in Dad's car at the forefront of my mind. "Alice," I moaned, as I ran my hands through my hair in frustration.

Waving her arms up in resignation "Okay, Okay," she cried, before pulling away from the door and walking inside. "Come in", she called as she walked back towards her kitchen.

Closing the door behind me, I followed her a little more slowly. Alice's idea of decorating was, in my opinion, eclectic. Her job as a buyer for an online fashion brand had taken her to some interesting places, and she had a habit of picking things up along her travels. She was also very bold, which consequently meant that the walls were the only part of her home that remained white, even though they were covered in, often diverse, artwork. The living room was a riot of color, with a hot pink, velvet sofa covered in an array of contrasting cushions, juxtaposed next to a comfortable looking corduroy armchair, brought together with a colorful Kurdhish rug. There were also a few more houseplants dotting the room than there'd been the last time I'd visited.

Today the place smelt like one of those odd incense sticks Alice used to pick up from an Asian supermarket on her way home from middle school and burn in her room, after she'd watched The Craft and was convinced she was a witch. The smell got stronger as I moved towards the kitchen, where I found Alice finishing a large glass of water in what looked like one gulp.

"I had a few interesting conversations with Mom and Dad today," I said, eyeing her as she finished the last of the water with a gasp. "And last night apparently," I finished off.

"Oh really?" Alice asked as she started rummaging through one of her cupboards.

"I ended up telling them about Bella," I explained simply.

My sister's head popped out of the cupboard, a cookie in her hands, as her eyes bugged out. "Wow. How did that happen?" she queried.

I came here to be real with Alice, so I decided I'd be completely honest with her while I was here. "I may have gotten a little too drunk last night, and that loosened my lips," I confessed. "I was apparently babbling about her as Mom helped me to bed, and this morning she and Dad ambushed me to get some answers. I was way too hungover to even contemplate trying to come up with anything other than the truth."

Alice sorted with laughter. "Of course, you're so repressed, the only way you'd open up is if you're blind drunk," she giggled when she'd finally caught her breath.

I gave her a dour look, which turned into an eye roll when she couldn't control her giggling. Ignoring me, she turned back to digging through the cupboards. The smell of what I'd thought to be incense was a lot stronger here, but I couldn't see where it had been burning from. However, I did notice the bright end of a plastic lighter sticking out from under an open, upside-down Vogue magazine that was laying at a strange angle. Lifting the corner of the magazine, I saw something I never thought I'd see in my twenty-eight-year-old sister's kitchen.

"Alice, have you been smoking weed?" I asked, holding up the small plate that contained what looked like a half-smoked joint, as well as ash that indicated it had been smoked fairly recently.

Alice spun around faster than before, her eyes just as wide and her mouth again stuffed with a cookie. As she chewed her surprise waned, and when she was able to swallow again, she was fully composed. "It's completely legal now," she countered. "And I only do it for anxiety, and stuff. But I can go get my old weed card if you want some sort of officialness." Her hand on her hip, she dared me with her eyes, looking exactly like she'd done as a defiant teen, when I'd last caught her smoking in the trees behind the house.

Setting the plate down on the table, it was my turn to not be able to hold back my chuckles. "By all means. We wouldn't want to skimp on the 'officialness'." Looking back at my sister, I watched as she grabbed the rest of the box of chocolate chip cookies she'd been eating from and came to sit down at the table across from where I was standing. "I didn't take you for a smoker," I said as I sat down, reaching for one of the cookies. She tried to pull the box out of my reach, but I was too quick, and my arms were longer.

"I'm not," Alice said around a mouthful. "I only do it when I'm stressed and stuff, and this has been a pretty sucky week."

"Tell me about it," I commiserated. "Why do you think I got so drunk last night?"

"I thought it was because you were trying to avoid me by staying away from the house for as long as possible," she said, trying to be nonchalant but failing to keep all of the edge out of her voice.

"Aren't you meant to be high?" I mocked, with just a little incredulity at her perceptiveness.

"I'm stoned, not stupid, Butthead," she said, shaking her head and rolling her eyes. "Besides, that was last night, when I was fully possessed of my senses. And don't forget, you're…"

"I'm your brother, and you know me?" I interrupted. It was Alice's turn to look unamused. "See, I know you as well." She continued to stare at me, one eyebrow cocked, but I just stared back, trapping us in an immature stalemate.

Alice was the first to break, rolling her eyes, and reaching back into the box of cookies. But there was a slight smile on her face which gave away her amusement at our normal sibling banter. It had been a while since we'd had that.

"Maybe you should smoke some of that," she said, pointing to the joint in the middle of the table. "It might help you retract the stick from your butt."

That made me laugh again. "I'm not in college anymore, Ali."

"Neither am I," she waved off. "And you never know, it might actually help us have whatever conversation you came here to have."

"That seems super likely," I scoffed. "We'll just have an important talk while spaced out and stuffing our faces with munchies."

"You'd be surprised how much it helps you think about things in a different way," she continued.

"Why are you trying to get me high?" I finally pressed.

Alice opened her mouth to answer, but nothing came out for a moment. "I just think it could help you actually relax for the first time in, what, a year?" she said after a thought. "Ever since you came home - heck, before that - you've seemed really tense. Like you've been holding everything together with bare threads for way too long. And I know you've dealt with everything by yourself in Chicago, but you're here now and you have people who are able to hold you together if you need to finally take a breath."

I thought about the way my family had been tiptoeing around me for weeks, and their different reactions to the Bella situation - the picture their perceptions of my actions painted of me. It seemed like they saw me as emotionally unstable, and possibly conniving. Either way, it was clear that I had built a hard shell around myself since Maria died, and the people closest to me didn't entirely know who I was at the moment. If Alice, who had made many comments about my 'change', thought getting high was going to help me, why shouldn't I do it? It may only help mend my relationship with her, but wasn't that what I'd come here to do?

After a few moments of silence, only broken up by my sister's rhythmic chewing, I turned to her. "Fine, but we're going to need more snacks than just cookies."

~oOo~

"Why did what Dad said annoy you so much?" Alice asked from where she was curled up in the armchair, eating peanut-butter MM's from a party sized bag.

I'd relayed the events of last night - well, what I could remember of them - and this morning to her, while she sat mostly silent. It was so unlike my sister that at one point, about halfway through describing the conversation I'd had with Mom and Dad, I'd stopped suddenly, consumed with fascination at her behavior. She'd thrown one of her MM's with uncanny accuracy directly at my head and told me to keep going. I popped the candy in my mouth and resumed my story.

Now I was sprawled out on the sofa, laying as still as possible, so as not to trigger the vertigo I'd experienced when I'd started to explain the discussion I'd had with Dad in the car and the room began to spin. My whole body felt like a lead weight, pinning me down, unable to move. My arms seemed to be attached to the sofa, the only part of them that currently worked were my fingers, which unconsciously stroked at the velvety fabric in a calming motion.

"I don't know," I groaned. "Maybe because he implied that I would, or even could, replace my wife."

Alice was quiet for a moment, the bag of candy didn't even rustle to indicate she had moved. "Is that all?" she suddenly asked.

I rolled my head in her direction, raising my brow in condescension. She, too, had her brow cocked, impugning my words. "He did also think I was capable of manipulating Bella into an unhealthy relationship," I grumbled. "Coming from Dad, that really sucked."

"Yeah, okay," Alice conceded, if only just for a moment. "But I also think that's kind of all boloney." I scoffed at her, rolling my eyes and laying back down. "You've been closed off, almost like a different person, for a while now. You feel like we see you differently, but you are different now, Edward. But I also don't think that's actually the root of whatever is going on with you. You seem so tense all the time. Being around you is like waiting for a volcano to explode."

"What do you think it's like inside my head!" I snapped, unable to keep a handle on my swinging emotions. Sitting up, I buried my hands in my hair, tugging it into disarray. "You want to know why Dad's words cut so deep? Because I thought it, Alice! Because a part of me did think about going after her, of being with her." I stared into my sister's eyes beseechingly, begging her to understand. "When I first saw Bella, yes, I thought she was Maria, and I felt this pull towards her like nothing I'd ever felt before. It knocked the breath out of me. I honestly thought Maria was still alive, but only for a moment." The guilt and shame I'd felt ever since sliced at my heart. "That pull didn't go away, even after I knew she wasn't Maria. My head was in chaos for days when I went back to Chicago! The man who I thought I was - a good man, with morals, who would always love his wife, even in her death - did battle with this stranger inside of me, who wanted to take what he desired, no matter the consequence. It tore me open, and I'm not even sure who won in the end."

"Edward," Alice whispered, stunned by my abrupt confession. She didn't say anything else, and the room fell into a tense silence.

"I will always love Maria," I affirmed, trying to show her the sincerity in my eyes.. "Nothing would change that."

Alice reached across the space between us and pulled one of my hands from my hair, rubbing at my knuckles. "I know. I don't think anyone would ever think that."

"I struggled to reconcile both emotions, while also feeling so ashamed. That's why I don't think I told anyone. I didn't want to have to explain those feelings to anyone before I'd worked it all out, so I tried to keep it as contained as possible. It was like I'd been handed this massive Gordian knot, and the more I tried to control everything, the more out of control it got."

My sister's dry laugh cut through my self-pity. "No one would ever be surprised at you being a control freak."

I gave her a wan smile, sharing her amusement even when I wasn't feeling amused.

"You were right about the album," I told her. "It was the better way of telling her, and if I'd not been so hell bent on controlling every last detail, I may have seen that. And I'm sorry for how I treated you on Monday."

"Thanks," Alice smiled, her eyes glassy. "You know, I think Dad's advice is solid. Treating her like she's just your sister-in-law means everything should be above board. If you act like she's only Maria's sister, hopefully those feelings will fade."

I laughed in derision, rolling my eyes at her. "Yes, because there are no cautionary tales of men who were attracted to their sister-in-law."

"Well then, treat her like you would me," Alice countered.

"Come on, Ali," I laughed humorlessly. "I'm not going to get distracted by the shape of your lips, or be thinking about how I'd like to peel off your skin…" I stopped, hearing what I'd just said. "Skin? I meant clothes!"

The fact that I was high seemed to slam back into focus, and I couldn't control my guffaw. I could feel each peal of laughter bubbling up from beneath my ribs. "Oh my God!" I cried breathlessly. "If I didn't seem like a serial killer before, I sure do now!"

Alice began to laugh with me, setting me off more. I attempted to catch my breath through my laughing fit, but I just couldn't. My ribs began to ache, and my face hurt from my manic grin. Slowly our howls quieted to rolling chuckles, and I was finally able to catch my breath again. Alice whipped the tears from her eyes, while I panted as if I'd run a marathon and small giggles continued to burst out as my heart rate calmed.

After a few moments of silence, and we had both settled back into our seats, my sister turned her gaze on me. "It all comes down to intent, Edward. What matters are your actions, not your thoughts. No matter what you struggled with, I don't think you actually went looking for Bella for… nefarious reasons. Not really. You may feel guilty about your attraction to her, but you haven't acted on those attractions. While you went about looking for her in an admittedly creepy way, you didn't manipulate her, you told her the truth. You left the ball in her court, and as frustrated as it makes you, I'm sure you will respect that." She took my hand again, drawing my eyes back to hers. "You're a good man, brother, and I hope that though all that guilt and shame you're carrying you remember that."

My eyes brimmed with tears, and I swallowed around the painful lump that had grown in my throat. "I love you, Alicat."

My sister beamed at me, her eyes glistening once more. "I love you too, Deadward."

~oOo~

I ended up staying the night at Alice's, not thinking it wise to drive back to my parents' house between waking up with a lingering hangover and smoking in the afternoon. For the first time in a long time, I spent an entire evening just hanging out with my sister. We ended up ordering pizzas and watching movies, until I passed out on the couch, where Alice said I slept like a dead body. While I didn't think it was something I would want to do again any time soon, being someone that doesn't particularly like relinquishing control of myself, she was right about the fact that I was able to finally relax. I'd lived for so long now in a state of tension that I'd forgotten what it was like to be fully at ease, if only briefly, and the experience gave me clarity.

The only thing I could do to untangle the situation I had found myself in was to leave as much of it up to Bella as possible. I had done my part for the time being, making a pretty big mess in the process. If she wanted to contact me while she dealt with this new information, then that had to be her choice. I wouldn't go to any more of the counseling sessions at the library, going there in the first place had been an invasion of her privacy. Maybe I should talk to my dad about finding a different group, or a therapist?

Throughout the evening, the song I'd tried to write the night before began to drift back through my mind. In my unrestrained and sleepy state, the music changed; slowed into a lullaby. It was the last thing I remember before succumbing to sleep, and it was infused in my dreams.

When I got home around lunchtime, the first thing I did was head straight to the library and sit at the piano. After about two hours, Mom came in with a sandwich and a large glass of water. Placing them on the small table next to the piano, she came to stand beside me, looking down at the music sheets scribbled with notes.

"That sounds beautiful, Darling," she complimented, while rubbing my back gently. "What's this one for?"

I smiled up at her and reached for the water. "It's not for anything," I said, taking a sip. "Just something I've had stuck in my head."

My mother observed me with a keen gaze before she smiled down at me and squeezed my shoulder. "Well, it's lovely," she added, before turning and leaving the library.

I sat for a moment, eating the turkey sandwich, and thought about how much more comfortable Mom had seemed around me. It wouldn't surprise me if, just like Alice had in the beginning, Mom had suspected I'd been keeping something secret for a while now. Perhaps this was a turning point in this whole situation. Like I'd finally reached rock bottom, and I would finally be able to climb back up again.

I stayed in the library and worked on the piano for the rest of the afternoon, completing an opening to the lullaby that I was pretty happy with. At seven I sat down for dinner with my parents, eating in companionable conversation. There was a marked difference between this evening and dinners we'd had in previous weeks. The three of us actually talked about a range of things, and not just them talking while I only answered questions when they were directed to me. Here, too, the tension seemed to have dissipated.

Deciding, after two nights of insobriety of one sort or another, to get an early night, I headed up to my bedroom around nine. Standing under the shower, I hung my head and let the water cascade over me. It felt cleansing, and I stayed under the stream for much longer than I should have. Concerned my parents might not have enough water for themselves, I finished washing up quickly.

The steam that had built up in the bathroom billowed out into my bedroom. The cool air on my damp skin was refreshing after the sauna-like atmosphere I'd come from, but I still rushed to get dressed for bed as a shiver ran through me.

My eyes were already drooping when I flopped down on the bed, trying to decide if I wanted to read, or watch something on TV for a bit. Undecided, I grabbed my phone from where I'd thrown it on the end of the bed, once again checking if I'd missed any messages. I had two. One from Alice, checking in to see how I was feeling today and thanking me for coming, and the other from an unknown number. Opening it, I almost dropped the phone.

Unknown: Hello, this is Bella. Would you be able to meet to discuss what you wrote in your letter? Could you meet me at the same diner tomorrow around 6?

My fingers shook so much I had to delete and type the message three times.

E: Yes of course I can meet you

I quickly saved the number to my contacts and waited to see if Bella was going to respond. I didn't think I was going to get any, but right as I was about to fall asleep my phone beeped, flashing in the darkness.

B: Thank you

It's good to see Edward clear his head a little bit and relax. Hopefully he seems less like a creep after this one *fingers crossed*
Please leave a review with your thoughts! Your comments really do influence what I write. So if you have any questions or theories, let me know and they might be answered in future chapters ;)