Hello again!
We can all thank school holidays for recharging my brain because I got this finished in less than a month!!
I had an amazing trip to New Zealand. The place I was staying had absolutely no internet or phone signal, so I got to disconnect from the constant draw that is the internet. Not that I didn't feel the seperation anxiety that comes with leaving connectivity behind.
I'm back to school now, so the next chapter probably won't be as expedient. However, this chapter is fairly long, so hopefully that sweetens the blow. Enjoy!
EPOV
Time moved faster than it had in a long time, and before I knew it, it was suddenly Christmas Eve. For a year, I did nothing but go through the motions and now, every day was filled with something that occupied and fulfilled me.
My enthusiasm for my job had been invigorated thanks to the workshop with the senior students. I'd never have guessed that working with a bunch of kids would have affected me so much, but it did. There was one kid in particular, Dillon Tussock, that reminded me of everything I loved about my job.
When I set up the task for the students to complete over the workshop, I decided to use briefs from some of my old jobs and get them to make their own product that filled the employers' requirements. It gave me the opportunity to show the kids exactly what I had created in response to the brief I'd been given, as well as the steps I took to get there. The projects the students completed were all fantastic, but Dillon's stood out.
He'd chosen the brief I once got for a radio jingle about a clothing detergent that the company wanted to be catchy and nostalgic. I'd only had to write the score for the boppy 1940s-style song the company had already written, but I took that out and asked the kids to create whatever they wanted, as long as it was still catchy and nostalgic.
Dillon became obsessed with the original 1930s radio soap operas that advertised cleaning products to housewives, and in turn, did a deep-dive into the foley work they used to create all the sounds. He ended up writing and producing a two-minute ad that told the story of a kid who needed to get a stain out of the couch before his mom saw it. He even roped in a few of his friends to act in it and the drama teacher to play his mother.
I was so blown away by what Dillon had created and I told him if he had been up against me for the job, he might have gotten it. The look on his face was what reminded me of the joy I used to have, before people's expectations and deadlines became more important than my love for music.
On top of the program at the high school, I was finishing up some of the last edits on the compositions I had created on for the new Dracula game. It wouldn't be long before my part in the process would be complete and then I'll just have to wait for the final game to be all put together.
I'd been spending more time with Bella, too. We'd hung out at her place and even went to Emmett and Rose's for dinner again. Unlike the last time I was invited over there, the night was full of fun and good company, and we actually ate dinner as well.
Bella had gone with them and Jasper to Forks a few days ago to have a full family Christmas at home. She'd been so excited and hopeful, explaining how last year she'd still been recovering from many of her injuries and they'd all had a small, lowkey celebration at Emmett and Rose's townhouse. This year she was going all out and had roped in everyone to help do everything 'properly'.
Before they'd left, Bella had given me a bag filled with presents for my family and me. She had instructed me, under penalty of death, not to open it until Christmas day. It was touching that she wanted me to have some of the same magic she was hoping for, even if we weren't going to see each other.
E: What are you up to?
I couldn't help missing her or wondering what was going on at her dad's house. We'd messaged a few times throughout the day and it always sounded like she was doing a million things at once.
B: Finishing off making dinner with Sue and then we are finally going to relax!
E: So you got everything finished?
She'd been non-stop since she woke up.
Yesterday, Bella had sent Emmett and Jasper out to get a tree for them to put up in the living room, but the two of them didn't come back for nearly four hours. According to them, they couldn't find the perfect tree, but Bella had suspected they'd gone into the woods, had a few drinks, and most likely acted like idiots for a while. Since they got back with the tree so late, they didn't have time to decorate it together. So they ended up having to do it this morning.
After that, she and Sue started working on parts of their meal for tomorrow, as well as getting things ready for tonight's dinner. It apparently took near-constant work in the kitchen to feed the entire Swan clan when they were all together.
Bella got started straight on the desserts but ended up needing to take them down to Sue's old house on the La Push Reservation because there wasn't enough room in the oven at Charlie's house. Seth was still living in his family home, so he promised to look after the baking. Bella had apparently been nervous about leaving it entirely in Seth's hands, but when Jasper volunteered to stay with Seth and keep an eye on the pies, and swap them and the fruit cake in the oven after an hour, she'd agreed and returned home to help Sue.
B: Yes! Thank God! My feet are killing me
B: Now that dinner is in the oven, there's not much else we can do until tomorrow
E: You've been running around all day. Take a load off and maybe grab a cup of eggnog
B: I much prefer a spiked hot chocolate over eggnog
She sent me a picture of her sock-clad feet up the couch and a mug held out in front of the camera. The fully decorated Christmas tree sparkled in the background from the multi-colored twinkle lights.
E: Very cozy. Well done
B: And what have you been up to this afternoon?
E: Nothing much. Alice tried to get me to watch this bad Xmas movie, but neither of us was into it so we turned it off
B: It sounds like you've had a really busy day
Bella added a few eye-rolling emojis for effect.
E: Don't mock me just because I wasn't running around like a headless chicken like you!
B: Oh no! I'm so sorry. How rude of me! Your day must have been so hard, not enjoying a movie your sister put on
E: You're horrible and I hate you
B: No you don't ;P
I couldn't fight the smile that crept across my face.
E: No I don't
B: So what made the movie so terrible?
I sat back further into the armchair in the library, looking out across the slope, down to the water while imagining Bella curled up on the sofa in her father's living room. My mother had fairy lights strung around a few of the trees that bordered the sloping lawn which gave the effect of a magical Christmas wonderland. I contemplated snapping a picture and sending it to Bella, but I was too timid to follow through.
E: It was one of those cheesy Netflix Christmas movies set in some made-up European country. Alice likes to find the worst ones every year and make everyone watch them
B: So not even she liked this one then?
E: It seemed not
E: I think she may have a new boyfriend
B: And why do you think that?!
E: Usually she keeps up a running commentary, no matter how bad the stupid films are. But this time she spent the majority of her time on her phone, smiling at what she was reading
Alice had been less full-on in the last few weeks. My sister was never shy about getting into people's business, especially mine. But lately, she'd really taken a step back. I'd thought it had to do with her finally listening to me when I asked her to let me handle things and respecting that I was capable. Now, I wondered if had more to do with her being distracted by a new guy.
B: And being on her phone means she's got a boyfriend?
E: It's just a theory
B: Hmmm Was she giggling?
E: No giggling. Just coy smiles
B: Did she blush at the msgs?
E: Not that I noticed, but I'll watch her next time she answers her phone
B: OMG! You have got to kick those stalker habits of yours
A GIF of a guy with massic binoculars with the text Stalking is not cool! popped up, making me laugh and reassuring me that she was only joking about my unfortunate history.
E: It's not like I was trying to read her msgs or anything! And as her older brother, don't I have a duty to watch out for her? Watching out for her is very different to watching her
B: You need to find a more productive use of your time
E: I'm plenty productive!
B: Not if you can think that much about your sister's love life, you're not!
E: There's a double standard in there that I should be pointing out…
The fact that Alice could stick her nose into everyone's business, especially mine, and tinker around like she was some sort of life mechanic, yet she never got called out on it astounded me. She definitely wouldn't be told she wasn't being productive with her time. After all, she was very industrious with her meddling.
B: Maybe you should go help your mom do whatever she's doing
Her suggestion confused me.
E: Why?
B: Because she's probably been doing things all day to get ready for Christmas tomorrow and I'm guessing no one's been helping her
B: I bet she's even in the kitchen right now, either making something for tomorrow or cooking whatever you're having for dinner tonight
She had me there. Dad had to go into the hospital today in order to get tomorrow off, and I'd spent the morning working on a few of my compositions before Alice arrived at lunchtime. That left Mom to do all the stuff that needed to get done so Christmas would go off with a hitch alone. I looked out the library door, with a vantage straight to the kitchen. Sure enough, Mom was there, stirring something on the stove.
Bella must have taken my lack of reply as confirmation of her assessment.
B: Go help Esme! I've got to get back to Sue anyway
I sighed, knowing that she wouldn't respond again for a while. I'd discovered Bella was someone who could fully absorb herself into a task, be it reading, cleaning, or cooking. If there was something she'd rather be doing, she would ignore me until she felt otherwise inclined.
Instead of wallowing, or succumbing to boredom, I followed Bella's direction and made my way over to the kitchen. My mother was standing at the stovetop, stirring a large saucepan of what looked like a rich ragu, while a large pot of water simmered on the back burner.
"Hey, Mom," I said as I came up beside her and pulled her to my side for a brief hug. "Can I help with anything?" I offered.
The look on her face was worth it, as a warm smile made her eyes glisten. "That would be lovely, Darling. Thank you," Mom said appreciatively. She then pointed back towards the refrigerator. "There's a wedge of parmesan, if you could grate that. There's also a baguette in the cupboard that I was going to slice up."
I nodded at her instructions and went about gathering everything I would need. "What did you make?" I asked as I rummaged around in the fridge until I could find the cheese.
"Slow-cooked ragu with fresh tagliatelle," she answered, almost off-handedly as she turned back to the stove.
"Wow. That sounds amazing," I marvelled.
Even though she wasn't facing toward me, I caught a glimpse of the pleased look on her face at my words. My father would say she was 'chuffed'.
We worked in companionable silence while I grate the parmesan into the bowl we had always used for the cheese to share at the table during dinners. It wasn't until I had moved on to cutting up the baguette into slices that I noticed how quiet my mother was. She had been standing at the stove, stirring the same pot for the last five minutes.
"Are you okay?" I asked her gently. My concern grew when it took her a moment to break out of her reverie, as if she was being woken from sleep.
"Hmm? Yes, darling. I'm fine." Her response was practically automatic.
While I wanted to grill my mother about her strange mood, I knew it was best to give her space to decide whether she wanted to talk about what was on her mind or not. Perhaps she was lost in thoughts about Dad, in which case I'd rather not know what could be going through her head.
Instead, I got to work on making the most delicious bread to have with the amazing meal that Mom had made. I used a trick I learnt from Maria's Italian Nonna when she was making bruschetta. She would rub a garlic clove over the lightly toasted bread, using it like sandpaper to flavor every slice with fresh garlic, then drizzle them with olive oil.
After a few more minutes of quiet, I wasn't surprised when Mom sighed and finally set the spoon she'd been using to stir the sauce down to turn to me.
"There is actually something on my mind," she began apprehensively.
"No? Really?" I said, more sarcastically than necessary. The fact that she didn't call me out for giving her attitude made my worry rise once again.
Her next words made me stop what I was doing completely and turn to her. "Eleazar called me yesterday."
I couldn't stop the anger and hurt that bubbled within me at the mere mention of the Di Nalis. I hadn't forgiven them for how they treated Bella, refusing to talk to, or about, them since.
My voice was thick with contempt. "Why? Was he checking up on me and Bella? Did he want to know if I'd invited her to be part of a special family Christmas?"
Mom sighed and hung her head. I didn't know whether her reaction was due to Eleazar's intentions or my continued resentment. Either way, the sadness I could feel from her was enough to temper my outrage.
"I'm not going to lie to you and say he didn't ask about you or Bella. He did," she said carefully, but then her tone turned more conciliatory. "But Edward, Eleazar has been a part of your entire life. He's your Godfather and your father-in-law. No matter what has happened, he hasn't stopped caring about you." Then she sighed as if some of her steam had burned off. "Yes, he asked about you. But the conversation wasn't about him checking up on either of you."
"What was it about then?"
A look of pain flickered across my mother's face before her composure returned. "He was asking me if we could mend the bridge between Carmen and I," she explained. "She's apparently distraught because I've refused to answer her phone calls."
My brow creased as I saw how hurt my mother still was, too. I had been so caught up in my own life that I hadn't noticed how unhappy my mother had been without her closest friend. Hell, I hadn't even known she'd stopped talking to Carmen.
"I didn't know it was still that bad between you two," I said compassionately.
I could see she was trying not to give in to her heartache, putting up the strong front she always did when she wanted to appear infallible. But I could see the foundations of that wall crumbling.
"She hurt me, Edward! She made me a liar in my own home," Mom practically growled. "Carmen assured me she would be able to cope with meeting Bella. It was the only reason I advocated for her desire for a meeting in the first place. I vouched for her to Bella and to you, and then offer my home. Then she took my hospitality and threw it back in my face. She could have excused herself or kept her mouth shut at any point in the evening. But she chose to lash out at an innocent young woman and the people who had done nothing but be there for her!"
My mother was a livewire, ready to blow at the first wrong move. I could see the spark of anger that had ignited her temper waning, so I reached out and pulled her into my arms.
For a couple of minutes, we stood like that. Her, cradled against my chest like she would have done for me countless times when I was a child. Now I was the larger one and she was the one in need of comfort.
Without releasing her, I began to put my conflicting thoughts into words. "Mom, I know how much you were hurt by her actions that night, believe me. But I don't think it's good, for either of you, to keep holding on to that anger." I felt her stiffen slightly in my arms, so I pulled back so she could see my earnest expression. "You and Carmen have been friends for longer than you've been with Dad. You have been there for each other through every up and down life has brought for you both. Anthony, their infertility, adopting Maria and then losing her. You've always been there to support the other. This is probably the first time in a very long time Carmen hasn't had you to lean on."
Mom's eyes darkened, looking like a wild ocean, lit bright green by a flash of lighting in the middle of a tempest.
"So I'm the bad friend because I haven't forgiven her?" she demanded.
"No," I defended. "I just mean that you have a lot of history together. You've been through tough stuff together before, and even rough patches in your friendship. But, you've always had time to cool off and get over whatever happened before reaching out. Now, she needs you even though you're not ready to forgive her. You need to way what's more important to you right now- her need for her friend or your pride."
She deflated a little but crossed her arms defensively. "It still feels like a judgement."
I shook my head and rubbed at her arms to loosen their tight hold. "It's not. I may not be able to forgive her myself, but I guess I can relate to feeling isolated and overcome by darker thoughts." Mom's eyes instantly turned soft and caring at my words, making me feel the need to look away from their emotion. "I knew I had you guys, but I'd lost both my wife and my best friend in one fell swoop. It felt like I had no one anymore."
"Oh, sweetheart," Mom sighed, cupping my cheek in her palm.
Swallowing the lump in my throat, I looked my mother in the eye again. "Don't let anything get in the way of your friendship, Mom. Cherish it, even when it's hard. I wouldn't wish that sort of loss of you or Carmen, no matter my feelings toward her right now."
Mom's eyes glistened with moisture that welled but never fell into tears/. "I don't know if I can forgive her," she whispered.
"You can," I assured her with confidence. "And you will. It may not be today, not next week, or any time soon. But I think you should talk to her, even if it's only to restate your position." I tugged Mom's arm and drew her back into an embrace. "You never know, Carmen may surprise you. She might apologize for her behavior."
A pensive looked crossed my mother's face as she considered my words. "And if she apologizes to you, will you forgive her?"
I knew she wasn't asking to bate me or make me upset. Mom genuinely wanted to know if I'd be able to put my words into practice for myself. I didn't expect her to forgive Carmen easily, because I certainly wasn't ready to. But I didn't want my mother to close herself off and end up destroying her relationship with her dearest friend.
"I don't know," I said with a deep exhale. "I don't know if I'm over the unfair way she treated Bella and I don't think Bella has fully recovered from the harshness of her words. Maybe, when more time has passed and Bella is ready to forgive her too, I will be able to forgive them."
Instead of responding, Mom studied me for a moment. She must have seen what she was looking for because she smiled at me warmly before wrapping her arms around my waist and squeezing me around the middle.
"You have become quite a good listener, on top of being an exceptional man. Thank you, darling, " she said warmly into my ear as she rested her chin on my shoulder. Mom squeezed me tightly one more time before releasing me and stepping back to attend to the long-forgotten saucepan.
~oOo~
Alice knocking at my bedroom door woke me much earlier than I would have liked. I looked at my phone, only to see it was just after seven. With a groan, I turned over and pulled a pillow over my head to block out any further attempts by Alice to wake me up before nine.
I had fallen back asleep, but only for a moment when the pillow was unceremoniously yanked off me. This time, Alice hadn't stopped at just knocking and had let herself in.
"Get up!" she urged as she shook my shoulder. "You've got to come see!"
Before I knew it, my sister had disappeared. But not before switching the light on at the switch next to the door, forcing me to leave my bed if I wanted to turn it off. I was going to do just that when Alice called out to me from downstairs that I better not dare go back to sleep.
Coming down the stairs and into the kitchen, I finally saw what Alice had dragged us all out of bed for at such an early hour. The entire back lawn was covered in a layer of bright white snow. The trees were sprinkled with ice, making them glimmer in the morning light.
"Wow," I said, in awe of the sight before me.
Mom, Dad, and Alice were all standing close to the glass wall, admiring the view with steaming mugs in their hands. There was still coffee in the French press on the kitchen island, as well as a spare mug, so I poured myself a drink and went to join them.
"Isn't it marvelous, darling?" Mom laughed, her hand coming up to rub my back as I stood beside her.
"It's magical," I agreed.
Alice bounced a little. "It's a Christmas miracle!" she practically sang.
Dad chuckled at Alice. "It's just weather, sweetheart. If anything, it's merely a Christmas coincidence," he said in his dry, humorous way.
Mom pulled her hand back from behind me to swat Dad in the chest and mumbled "Carlisle." He merely laughed deeper and drew her into his side for an embrace.
Suddenly, Alice squealed a little and jumped higher into the air. "We should go have a snowball fight!" She clapped her hands and her bright eyes looked directly at me.
"What, are you five?" I asked, rolling my eyes.
Instantly, her expression went from pleading to pouting. "Aw! Come on! It would be fun."
"The snow doesn't look very deep, or soft, Alice," Dad pointed out. "I don't think it would be the best for snowballs. And it will probably melt away as the sun rises further."
That seemed to disappoint her, but my sister was ever the optimist and after she had processed her feeling, she was smiling again. "Oh well," she shrugged. "I just want to go outside and twirl around while it lasts then ."
Mom agreed with her, and it wasn't long before we were all rugged up in long winter coats and boots over our pyjamas, our mugs still clutched in our hands. For a few minutes, all four of us stood at the top of the lawn and took photos of the expanse of white that led down to the lake, surrounded by crystalline trees dusted with snow.
Alice did indeed then run off down the hill, twirling a few times as she went. It disrupted the wondrous calm that had settled with the blanket of white, but it was so incredibly Alice and we all ended up laughing. I couldn't resist taking a video as well, knowing that the moment should be recorded for posterity.
Without thinking myself around in knots, I sent my favorite photo to Bella with a message to wish that her Christmas was as magical as the view we'd woken up to in Seattle.
Soon, we made our way back inside to start making breakfast. After being the one to insist we go out into the cold, Alice was the only one who complained that she was freezing and ran off to have a hot shower. I helped Mom and Dad, and between the three of us, we had everything made by the time Alice joined us again.
Over pancakes with bacon and eggs, we talked and laughed as a family. I basked in the feeling of nostalgia that washed over me in a comforting wave. This morning held the same enchanted feeling Christmases had when you were a small child. Like everything was perfect and full of joy and love.
My phone buzzed in my pyjama pocket and when I pulled it out, I saw I'd received a message back from Bella. My heart skipped as I opened it.
B: OMG! That's so beautiful! Merry Christmas!!
B: It rained so much here, so everything is just covered in a thin sheet of ice
Attached was a photo of a bush at the bottom of Charlie's front steps, frozen solid and covered in icicles.
E: That's still pretty cool
B: Please tell me you didn't just make a terrible dad joke
I snorted out loud at my phone, drawing the attention of my family, who had been debating what classic Christmas film we were going to watch after lunch. It was a family tradition to both watch a movie in the afternoon, but also to argue passionately for whatever film you wanted most.
I waved off curious attention and diverted my eyes back to my phone.
E: Not intentionally hahaha
B: I just showed the pic to Rose and Sue and they loved it too!
B: Though Rose is annoyed she missed seeing everything covered in snow :D
E: Let Rose know she's not missing out on much. It's already starting to melt in the sun
B: You're sounding a bit Scroogey there, my friend ;)
B: How could you have a single unhappy thought in your head when you got to wake up to that this morning!
B: It's a glorious Christmas surprise!
Bella was right about one thing. I didn't have a single unhappy thought in my head, but it didn't have anything to do with the glittering marvel outside. It had everything to do with the buoyant feeling I got whenever I thought of her.
I was finding it harder and harder to tamper down how I felt. It was like the boxes I used to compartmentalise my thoughts were beginning to break apart at the corners.
E: It was pretty great to wake up to
B: Don't undersell it there, Ed
I wanted to growl at Bella, as it seemed she already knew exactly which buttons to press to get a rise out of me.
E: I told you not to call me that
B: Oh! That's right! I'm so very sorry ;)
E: You're an impudent scamp!
B: Hahaha Did you have to get your thesaurus out for that one?
"Are you okay, Edward?" my sister asked suddenly, disrupting me as I tried to think of a quippy response to Bella's teasing. "What's got you smiling over there?" Alice knowingly rose one of her eyebrows and brought her coffee cup to her lips to cover her smirk.
"Nothing," I said instinctually, my hand holding my phone dropping to my lap. Instantly I felt ridiculous, like a kid caught with their hand in the cookie jar instead of a grown man talking to his friend. "I was just wishing Bella a Merry Christmas. I sent her a photo of the snow and she was saying how amazing it was." Now I felt like I was bending the truth like a teenager caught sneaking in after curfew.
"How is Bella?" Mom asked happily, providing a welcome divergence. "She went back home to Forks for the holiday, didn't she?"
"She's good," I nodded, giving my mother my undivided attention. "And yeah. She's gone down with everyone, so it's a full house there. But I know she's loving it, even when she complains about being attached to the kitchen when there are so many people to feed."
"Did her father end up getting engaged?" Dad asked then, probably remembering Bella talking about the different reasons she hadn't spent Thanksgiving with her family.
"Yeah, he did. Sue's a really nice lady and Bella loves her.
"And what are they doing for today?" Mom inquired.
"She said yesterday that her Dad has to work this morning, so they're doing most of their celebrating after lunch. She and her dad's fiance spent all yesterday cooking for a massive feast they're having once Charlie gets home."
"I'm sure, if Bella's previous culinary offerings were anything to go by, that they are going to be very fat and happy by the end of the day," Dad chuckled, Mom laughing along with him.
Alice hummed in agreement around a bite of pancake she just took. Her eyes then flashed to me and she pointed her fork in my direction. "You should ask her how she feels about love, actually."
Her request caught me off-guard and I struggled to make meaning of my sister's cryptic words. "Wh-what?" I stuttered.
"It's my pick for the movie later, but Dad is insisting that it's a Christmas Eve film and that it shouldn't count," Alice continued, completely oblivious to the internal panic that overtook me before I realised she was talking about the movie Love, Actually. "But Bella has good taste and can back me up that it's the best modern Christmas film of our generation."
"Be that as it may, sweetheart, I refuse to watch it for the third year in a row," Dad said with finality. I don't remember watching it last year, but I had spent the majority of the holiday locked in my bedroom.
As Dad and Alice continued to argue over the criteria used to choose the perfect Christmas movie, I caught Mom looking at me. Her eyes looked over me in a similar way they had last night, and again she smiled at me, before turning to pour herself another cup of coffee.
~oOo~
After breakfast, we moved to the front room that overlooked the flower garden, where the tree was set up in all its festive splendor. As we were all adults now, there weren't mounds of presents underneath like there would have been when we were children.
We spent the next half an hour exchanging gifts. Mom loved the cookbook I'd bought her, and in turn, she gave me a book of poetry from a recently award-winning poet. Alice gave me four new shirts and two pairs of pants, then gushed over the fact that I'd gotten her a voucher to a nail salon that was apparently super popular. I was relieved, seeing as I'd simply just googled well-reviewed salons and chosen the closest one to Alice's place. My father and I both got a laugh when we ended up exchanging different gift bags the right size for bottles. At least we hadn't actually gotten each other the same alcohol, Dad getting me whisky while I got him scotch.
There were a few other gifts under the tree, from family friends and a few of the neighbors. The gifts from Bella were among them and I felt my fingers itch with the desire to reach out and grab mine. When we did finally get to them, I held myself back as my family opened theirs in the hopes of not seeming too eager.
Alice tore the paper off the large, fabric-covered sketchbook and gasped. "It's so pretty!" she enthused, tracing her fingers over the brightly colored flowers that warped around the book.
Mom received two large jars filled with what looked like flour and other dry ingredients. On both jars were handwritten labels, which detailed recipes to transform the contents into one of Bella's signature cookie recipes. In a complementary gift to my father, Bella had found two boxes of specialty loose-leaf teas; a strong English breakfast and an authentic Earl Grey. It may only have been something small, but Dad was deeply touched.
When I finally went to opened mine, there wasn't a doubt in my mind it was a vinyl record before I even began to peel the wrapping away. It was, though I'd never heard of the band she'd chosen before. The cover was a bold blue with a beautiful image of an African-American woman, her eyes closed in deep thought or sadness and wild hair pinned back to hold a magnolia flower.
I was desperate to run upstairs and put it on, to see what Bella had bought with me in mind. But I didn't want to be rude, so I waited while my family finished opening the various other presents that were left under the tree. Thankfully, we didn't take too much longer.
Before I knew it, I found myself standing in front of the audio system in my bedroom. I clutched the album in my hands, unexpectedly nervous. It was like I was suddenly a mooney-eyed teenager whose crush had given him a mix tape.
Ignoring my asinine internal monologue, I put the record on and settled into the armchair in the corner of my room, underneath the large window.
The music enchanted me from the very first string of snappy, but intricate piano notes. Before long drums, a tenor saxophone, and a double base had joined the complex harmony. But when the smooth and sultry voice of the singer began to croon, my eyes instinctively close.
I savored the moment. The song and this exact point in time would be forever linked in my memory.
After listening to the first side of the record, I got up to flip it over and turned the volume down. Then I fished my phone out of my pocket before I sat back in the armchair. I pulled up my message log and hit the call icon at the top of the screen. My heart thumped while the phone rang, then raced when it suddenly stopped.
"Hey!" came Bella's happy voice over the line. "Merry Christmas, again!" she added with a laugh.
A large smile plastered across my face, just hearing how cheerful she was. "Merry Christmas again to you, too," I chuckled. "How has your morning been?"
"It's been really nice. I was a bit stunned to come downstairs after my shower to find that Emmett had made us all scrambled eggs for breakfast, but he said Sue and I had been doing all the cooking and it was his way of making up for it."
"And how were they?" I asked, genuinely concerned for them all. Emmett wasn't known for his skills in the kitchen. "Burnt? Wet? Rubbery?"
"They were actually pretty good!" she said, astonished. "Apparently Rose has been craving scrambled eggs like crazy, but the sight of the raw egg makes her sick. So, Em's had to man up and learn how to make a pretty decent version if he didn't want his wife to cry, or worse."
"Well, it seems you can teach an old dog new tricks."
That made Bella giggle. "I'll tell him you said that."
I paused for a moment, feeling awkward again. I wanted to make sure she knew how much I appreciated her gift.
"Hey, I wanted to say thank you," I finally said. "For the album. I love it."
"Oh! You do? I'm so glad!" I could hear the excitement in her voice. "I was a little worried because I had no idea what you might already own."
"I've not actually heard of the band before, but they're amazing."
"Good! I asked the guy at the music store to recommend the most obscure things he could think of and he didn't disappoint. In the end, I was trying to decide between that one and a Bollywood cover band. The fact that it came as a vinyl record was the final clincher."
"While I know I would have loved anything you chose, vinyl is definitely my preference."
"You know, it's a toss-up whether you're an old man or a hipster," Bella giggled to herself.
I groaned. "I'd rather you not call me either."
That made her laugh again. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't be teasing you on Christmas."
"No, you shouldn't," I agreed with a smirk.
"I'm glad you like your present, Edward," Bella said softly, making my heart jolt in my chest again. Something about the way she said it sent a tingle down my spine.
I tried to speak but my throat felt a bit stuck and I had to clear it. "I hope you like yours when you open it," I said, my voice still a little deeper than normal.
I'd bought Bella a simple silver locket and filled it with a childhood pictures of her and Maria, from when they were both around seven. I got the photo of Bella by taking a picture of one in a frame at her apartment, then I just found a match in one of my own childhood photographs. The locket itself was about the size of a quarter and itspun on a central axis, around a wishbone-shaped brace holding a pin through the middle.
It wasn't an ostentatious piece of jewelry, but I hoped she understood the sentiment behind it.
"I'm sure I will," she said with confidence. "Dad will be home in about an hour and then we are going to eat. After that, we'll
do the presents. I could… I could call you back later on, after I've opened it."
Not only did my heart skip, but butterflies erupted inside my stomach. "Y-yeah, I'd like that."
"Okay," I was sure I could hear a smile in her soft voice. "I'll talk to you later, then."
"Bye, Bella," I farewelled her, sounding just as content as she had.
I'd hung up and was staring out the window, lost in thought, for barely a minute when there was a soft knock at my bedroom door. My mother was there, an apologetic smile on her face.
"May I come in for a moment?" she asked, oddly formal.
"Sure," I nodded, and she came in to sit on the corner of my bed.
Mom didn't say anything straight away, so we both sat silently and listened to the song that was still quietly playing. I was a little confused, but I didn't really know what to say.
I was just about to ask why she'd knocked when she put forward a very unexpected question.
"Do you and Bella have feelings for each other?"
I was sure I resembled a gapping fish, my mouth popped open and my eyes wide, as I tried to process my thoughts enough to answer.
"What? Why… why would you ask that?" I stammered. "Where you listening to me?"
Guilt flashed across my mother's face, confirming my accusation. Thankfully, she didn't deny it. "Yes, I was, darling. I'm sorry. But it's not just what I heard, though. It's also what I've seen that makes me ask. The way you talk about her, or how your eyes light up any time someone brings her up. You smile whenever you get a message from her and I catch you laughing at what she sends you."
"It's… it's not like that," I said with as much assurance as I could. "I can assure you, Bella doesn't have feelings for me. We are just friends."
Mom looked at me intensely, but her eyes were full of love. I was uncomfortable under her gaze and I tried not to squirm like a little boy hiding something from his mommy. Her expression softened, but it did little to dissipate the uneasy feeling.
"So, she doesn't have feelings for you, but you have feelings for her." She said it as a statement, not a question. While Mom's words weren't harsh, they were pointed, testing the hard shell I had erected around myself.
"No-I-that's… that's not what I said." I felt tongue-tied and exposed.
"It may not be what you said, Edward, but I can read between the lines." She reached out and ran her fingers through my unruly hair, attempting to tuck back a lock that lay over my forehead, to no avail. "I also know you, my darling boy. I see how much happier you are recently and I'm pretty sure I can attribute that to Bella."
I didn't have the strength in me to deny it anymore, especially not to my mother. She was able to see through my disception, it seemed.
Averting my eyes from her tender face, I looked back out the window and let out a deep breath. "It doesn't matter how I feel, Mom. Bella doesn't return them and I think if she found out, she'd be appalled."
"Why would you assume that?" Mom asked in a mystified voice.
"Wouldn't she always wonder that I only wanted her because she looks like Maria?" I shot back, embittered by the situation. "That I was using her to replace my wife?"
"Is that how you feel?"
The fight left me and I looked back at my mother with doleful eyes. "No," I whispered gruffly. "She's… She's Bella and I see her as entirely her own person. What I feel for her is… different from what I felt-feel for Maria."
My mother's soft expression showed nothing but compassion. "Then you will be able to convince Bella of that and prove to her that she isn't a replacement."
I scoffed. "And what about everybody else? They'll all say the same things Carmen said! That it's twisted for us to be together."
"What does it matter what anyone else thinks if you are both happy? You wouldn't be hurting anyone."
"What about Maria?" I challenged sharply.
Mom sighed. "Darling, do you really think Maria would want you to be alone forever?"
"No," I conceded fractionally. "But do you really think she'd want me to move on with her identical twin sister?"
That made her pause, and I was glad Mom was genuinely thinking about it. "I don't know the answer to that. But what I can say is that Maria and Bella aren't sisters who grew up together, so their relationship would probably have been very different."
"You don't think it's a betrayal?"
"No!" She looked agast. "Whatever you feel for Bella now doesn't negate what you had with Maria. You were together your entire lives and she knew you loved her, Edward. Maria was a strong and confident woman and she loved you more than anything. I don't think she would feel betrayed. I actually think she would have understood."
A shuddering breath left me as I tried to stop myself from crumbling. I didn't want my mother to see how crippled I felt under all the weight I had been carrying. "I just feel so guilty all the time."
"Why, darling?" Mom said, reaching out and stroking my hair again.
"Whenever I'm with Bella, I feel this… pull. It draws me to her. I loved Maria with my whole heart, but I… I never felt the same sort of energy I feel when I'm around Bella." I ran my hands through my hair, tugging the locks into disarray, and hung my head in shame.
But, I'd started confessing the secrets that I'd bottled up inside of me for months and I couldn't stop. "I feel horrible enough as it is because I'm finally ready to move on, but the fact that what I feel for Bella is like an unstoppable force makes me feel even more disloyal to Maria.
"And I can't stop comparing them. It's like their similarities fuel my guilt, while their differences add to my justification. I loved Maria - I still do. But Bella? She's… there's nothing about her I don't love. She has a sharp humor, which means there's never a dull moment. But, she also appreciates quiet, peaceful moments. Like me, she always needs time to think, but when she does say anything, it's usually very considered. The universe has tried to crush her so many times, but she hasn't let it. I admire her so much for that, and so many other things. I just… I wish there was some way that I could feel all those things without hating myself for it."
"Edward, listen to me," Mom said emphatically, grasping my hands in between her. "You shouldn't feel guilty about falling in love again. No one who knows you would ever accuse you of loving Maria less because of it, no matter who it happened to be with."
"It's not like it matters anyway," I sighed in defeat.
"Why?" she challenged again.
"Because Bella doesn't want me!" I grunted. "I doubt she ever could want me like that. There's way too much baggage between us and I'm not willing to lose her friendship on the chance that she may reciprocate my feelings. I'd rather be nothing more than friends than have none of her."
It was Mom's turn to sigh. "I just don't want you to give up on love, Darling," she said in resignation. "And neither would Maria. You deserve to be happy."
I tried to smile at her, but I knew it was weak and didn't reach my eyes. "I am happy, Mom," I proclaimed, though I don't know how convincing I was. "At least, I'm happier than I was. Can't that be enough for now?"
My mother's kind-hearted smile returned. "Of course it can," she said softly. "Just remember there is so much more out there for you. Don't discount it."
She left me to my thoughts then, though I could see she wanted to linger or pull me into a hug. I was grateful for the space. It felt like I'd been tipped on my head, going from a wonderful conversation I'd had with Bella instantly into a tumultuous one that left me reeling.
On one hand, my heart hurt from having to drag all of my insecurities out into the light. Having to admit the truth, that I may never find happiness with Bella, was incredibly painful. But on the other hand, I felt relieved that my secret was out in the open. There was now someone I could talk to about the heartache and shame I'd been drowning in. Someone who would fish me out of those choppy waters and hold me, telling me that everything was fine.
My mother's words also gave me hope that perhaps I wasn't a monster for wanting to be with Bella. Perhaps there was a way, a path in the woods, that would lead to us being more than just friends. It felt like tempting fate to even consider it. There was so much going against that possibility that it was hard to even contemplate a future where it could happen.
Yet still, the spark had been ignited and it was hard to put out. The only thing that made the small flame of hope waver was the fact that the only thing that truly mattered was if Bella thought I was a monster or not.
So there you go! Edward and Bella are both finally admitting the truth to themselves. Hopefully soon they'll be able to admit it to each other! I know it's taking them a long time, but I hope the slow burn isn't annoying anybody.
As always, I'd love to hear what you thought.
Untill next time, Lovelies!