I woke up in a cold sweat, fear aching in my bones and my temples pulsing. Shadows were dancing around my room and I knew I needed some form of comfort.
"John..." I reached out in the dark.
No, I couldn't.
I counted to fifty and I still wasn't calm.
So, I counted to one hundred.
My breathing returned to normal.
The nightmares were coming back. Whenever I got stressed, I would have them. Bro used to check up on me every time before he went to bed which was three am because of the jobs he worked: a DJ and salesman. Separate jobs that were both part time.
He would also make time to cook me meals that were not cake.
In the night all my dreams were consumed by screaming metal and ever-changing traffic lights patterns. Even before⦠that. Back then Bro always woke me up, pat my arm and let me calm down. We existed the same space, just breathing, not talking. It calmed me to have him in the room with me, in the same space.
A mutual understanding of easiness defined our relationship, with no words. They were just actions and pushing each other to new lengths. It was wonderful and exhilarating. It was what brothers should be.
Now it felt like.
A black hole.
I felt that black hole in my chest, anxiety building up. I wanted to sword fight, do something with someone, or just be loved. The Strider way was without words and above all coolness but without the other Strider...there was something missing.
I stood from my bed; I grabbed the letter that was handed off to me only hours ago. Maybe it was time...late into the night from an uneasy nightmare to open this. My fingers gripped the paper of the light blue envelope tighter.
My hands were illuminated by the moonlight. I turned it over, scratched the seal of the paper.
I stopped.
Maybe it was just an ordinary letter, maybe it wasn't. I flipped it over, inspecting it a bit closer. Where the stamp was supposed to go was a hat icon.
A hat?
It seemed familiar...was it? Was it what I thought it was?
I ripped it open. I was now gripping a folded-up piece of paper. My hands were shaking, I licked my lips. I unfolded it and immediately scoffed.
Was it a joke?
It read: "Be safe. Stay hidden."
I was mad. I threw the paper down and drew a hoarse breath. What the hell did that mean? It DIDN'T EXPLAIN ANYTHING. It felt like a slap to the face.I looked down and noticed that my hands were shaking. I needed sleep. I just needed to sleep forever.
I took four sleeping pills letting the pills spill on the nightstand. I wasn't overdosing but I did a double dose. I didn't care.
I needed to get away.
While I was falling asleep my thoughts still churned. Maybe the simple words were so infuriating since there wasn't an open casket or that our bank accounts were drained the day after...well.
He was gone.
And that was that.
