I believe this will be the second to last chapter before we get Mr. Darcy's response to Elizabeth's rebuke. When we get there, would you rather have it from Elizabeth's POV or Darcy's? Right now I'm leaning toward Darcy's.
13. Steady to His Purpose
I made a second stop in London at my home there. The house was closed up but for a caretaker and a couple of guards and cloths covered all the furniture. But I was not there to lounge about; I had a quick purpose. In the great desk that once had been my father's I opened a concealed drawer and quickly retrieved a flat jewelry box and perused the few rings inside among the other jewelry it contained.
There was not nearly the selection there would be at Pemberley, but I was hopeful one would suit, sparing me the extra time of visiting a jeweler. The ostentatious ring which had belonged to my mother and was commissioned for its suitability for the daughter of an Earl, the very ring I would have given Anne (for Lady Catherine would have expected nothing less), I passed over. My bride would need a smaller, more delicate ring for her smaller fingers.
Then there was a plain gold band. It was perhaps a suitable size but I wanted a prettier ring, one that would express the value I placed on her.
My eyes and fingers were drawn to my great-grandmother's sapphire ring, which I recognized at once. From the family portrait gallery at Pemberley, I recalled her single portrait, likely commissioned upon her come-out by her parents. It showed dainty Lily-Anne (nee Somerset) Darcy in the bloom of her youth. Her brunette hair was upswept and she had a kindly look in her eyes grey eyes.
In a second portrait, this diminutive woman had the maturity of further years and from her seated position was dwarfed by her husband, Malcolm Darcy, and five of her seven children. The only two smaller than her were the youngest seated upon her lap and daughter who was still shorter though she stood instead of sitting like her mother.
Great-Grandmother Lily-Anne's right arm captured her young son, a lad of perhaps three years of age who was identifiable as male as he had been breached. Lily-Anne's left hand, displaying her sapphire ring with a diamond on each side of the large oval center stone, rested loosely on her youngest daughter's shoulder. This pretty blonde girl might have been all of seven years of age. Although this daughter was only superficially like to Georgiana, she always put to mind my sister when she was of similar age.
My grandfather, Malcolm the second, was of a size with his father and greatly resembled him but for having the darker hair of his mother. I could see much of my father in both Malcolms.
While Lily-Anne displayed every decorum, I had noticed that her lips had a hint of a smile and that she leaned just the slightest bit toward her husband and he toward she. More scandalous than that, what might have been just the shadow of the ruffling of her skirt near the waist, appeared instead to be two fingers of her husband, drawing his wife close.
Yes, Great-Grandmother's ring would certainly be a suitable wedding ring for my wife to be. While the cut of the stones was not of quite the perfection as could now be obtained, while the setting might not display the stones as well as a new one might, this ring still felt right. I slipped the ring onto my pinky finger, felt the cool gold warm with my flesh. Although I had no true superstition, I could still hope that the woman destined to wear it might be equally fruitful and content with her lot in life as my great-grandmother seemed to be.
I removed the ring, placed it into a small leather pouch and put the rest of the jewelry away. I took the pouch and added it to my trunk.
Then I went to my room then as there was something that I wished to address before proceeding to Longbourn. As I closed my eyes and palmed myself, I imagined myself posed behind Miss Elizabeth (or rather Mrs. Darcy) as our own portrait was taken. In my fancy, I whispered "Oh, Mrs. Darcy, you tempt me so. Being so close and not being able to touch you is a torture." Then, I took my hand (which was well concealed from the painter by her body, ran it down her back, and over the swell of her bottom. She gasped and twitched, earning the ire of the portraitist who told her to hold still. I continued my torture of us both, know what I did was delighting her even as she tried not to let any sign of it show.
Then in my fancy, when the portrait artist let us leave, I took her by the hand and brought her to my chambers. I lay her across my bed, lifting her skirts and found her wet and ready for me. She herself unbuttoned my fall and urged me "Hurry, hurry, I must have you now, please, please!"
I palmed myself faster as I imagined entering her depths, giving us what we both so desperately desired. Soon I gained my release, cleaned myself up with some flannel and then was ready to resume the journey towards Meryton.
As the carriage proceeded, I contemplated various ways I might propose. I considered for a time telling Miss Elizabeth something to the effect of "Dearest, Miss Elizabeth, I have never been able to forget you. Your wit, your lovely eyes, your devotion to your sister, how we walked the paths near Rosings. Although you rejected me, I have been devoted to you this whole time. I understand your family has been suffering some difficulties and I want to help you and yours. I wish to bear your burdens. Will you, can you, perhaps, see it in your heart to reward my devotion and marry me?"
But upon further consideration, I did not want to set the tone for our whole marriage by being such a meek, eager to please man. Certainly not! I wanted Miss Elizabeth to firmly understand that I had the upper hand, that while I wished to help her, it would be on my terms, for a price. I would not simper like a woman, I would not beg like a pauper; these things were beneath me.
I would instead be honest, more honest than I had ever been before, for Miss Elizabeth needed to know what I was sacrificing to know how grateful she should be. I needed her to understand my expectations, all of them. I was certain that she could not refuse any offer I made to her given her further fall in life.
The carriage stopped briefly in Meryton and I secured lodging, refreshed myself, and then had my valet brush the dust from my clothing. I left him there to see to my things and then (my driver in the meantime having obtained the pertinent directions), proceeded onto Longbourn. Fate seemed to smile on me as I was met with Miss Elizabeth outside and did not have to engage in the indignity of calling upon the uncouth Mrs. Bennet, of being in the company of the fallen Miss Lydia and her child.
However, I immediately noticed that Miss Elizabeth's black dyed dress hung on her, that she looked wan. She treated my appearance with mild interest, but nothing more. While her face matched my memories, she so indifferent to my company and bland in her reactions that I could not help but want to elicit some real response from her.
The walk to Oakham Mount at least brought a bit of bloom to her face, though little more. But God help me, even in her diminished and dull state, I still wanted her with a need that was tight and hard (despite my prior efforts to quench such thirst).
I began my proposal by explaining "Your position in life has always been far beneath my own. Now it has fallen further still. And yet I have not been able to forget your face, your playful manner, your choosing to debate posing opinions that are not your own."
In an attempt to rouse the woman I knew dwelt within, to cause some emotion in her, even if it was disdain, hate, I stared at her and added with all sincerity, "and your body which I have longed to possess and direct."
To my delight, in response to my look for frank admiration, Miss Elizabeth trembled. In seeing this, I knew she was not indifferent to me. I imagined then, her trembling beneath me as I joined with her in our marital bed.
I wished her then to know that I was an honorable man, and it struck me then that the best way to help her to understand this was to explain to her what I could have asked of her but was not. As I disclosed this, saying things that no gentleman was ever to say to a lady, she blushed and oh how becoming that blush was. As she reacted to me, it seemed as if she was finally rousing from something like a state of walking sleep. But still, she was not the woman I remembered.
I would not let her escape my gaze, I would not let her walk away. I wished to shock her, to cause to reaction that was true. When I finally concluded with what I could have done, I explained to her why I could not pursue such a route.
I hoped she would ask me what I desired instead, but she did not. Instead it was left for me to hint at what she should ask. But still, she would not ask, so it was left to me to lay it all out.
"I have decided, Miss Elizabeth, that I shall bind you to me more strongly than in mere body, more permanently than through just a simple agreement. You see, I have decided, before God and all of Meryton if they wish to attend, I shall take you to wife if you will have me."
I paused, hoping to see joy in her eyes, to hear an immediate "yes," but she said naught. I was astonished that she was not overwhelmed with the honor I was bestowing on her, and thus sought to explain all that I was sacrificing for her, how I was losing my sister, my cousin Richard, my friend Bingley, but still, I received very little reaction from her.
At that moment I felt angry. Who did she think she was, to be so dismissive of me? She seemed to have no proper human feelings and I was ashamed that once I had fancied myself in love. At that moment, I felt that my father was right, that there was no point in seeking to have love. All I could count on was seeking satisfaction instead. Since I could not have love, I would have obedience and the guise of love instead, and in this marriage I sought to have, I would pour out all my passion, make her endure it all as I would have no other.
I believe as I told her all of this, I sought to humble her, to bring her low, to crush her spirits beneath my boot or rouse some reaction in her. When I specified how little contact with her family I would tolerate (which was in fact much less than I had originally planned), I waited for her to argue with me, to show me that she had more life within her than the mere beating of her heart, the movement of her breath.
Finally, finally when I declared that as to her family "you shall never see any of them again, not so long as they bear the name Bennet," this earned a reaction from Miss Elizabeth, but it was still a more tempered reaction than I ever could have expected, for it was just a widening of her eyes, a slight straightening of her spine. To reward her ire, or to perhaps not risk her flat denial of my proposal, I condescended to allow letters to and fro that would be screened by me.
I was astonished when she nodded. I did not like to see her brought so low. I sought to inflame her, when I declared I would do nothing for "the fallen one and her bastard child" and that she could have naught to do with them either.
But still Miss Elizabeth said nothing, even after I inquired as to whether she had any questions. To my disappointment, she only shook her head, so it was left to me to declare all the terms rather than engage in some sort of negotiation as I had anticipated, so I declared with precision exactly what my marital ownership of her body would entail.
Even as I sought to bring her low, I also found the discussion (though it could hardly be termed a discussion as it was my words alone), to be quite stimulating. For never before and never again would I have cause to speak so to a woman who was not yet my wife, about all that I desired.
I was glad when she acknowledged with a nod and a blush that she understood about what I meant by marital rights. I very much wanted her to blush further. I then declared exactly what she should expect from me and what I would give her in return.
In saying these naughty things, I will admit I felt stimulated, and I let my gaze roam freely over her form, imagined what I would have the right to do once she bound her life to me. I thought she might have been responding to my frank perusal, but I could not be sure.
I imagined seizing Miss Elizabeth then, branding her with a kiss. If I did so, would she still be indifferent to me? That was all I might give myself the freedom to do before we were married, but I sensed a certain danger in freeing myself to do even that much. For I desired her greatly, more than I had ever imagined desiring a woman before, when my interest should have been well in check from my earlier activity.
I circled around her, wishing to give her backside as thorough a perusal as her front, but she would not let me out of her sight, kept turning to keep me ever in view as I continued to speak about her submitting to me. At one point she grasped my hand and I did not know if this was some sort of acceptance, or an attempt to keep me in view. It did not truly matter, though.
I explained I wanted her thanks for my degradation of her, for her to play the part of actress and convince me of her desire to serve as the receptacle of my desires. I compared her to a kept woman by reminding her that it would be my due, for I would have paid for it. I explained that I wished her to give the appearance of devotion and love, for her to fool everyone, myself included, specified that no discordant view could ever could from her lips, her pen. I then dared her to refuse, but told her that I did not think she would, based on what I had promised to do for her family.
I was terribly tormented by then. I recalled Georgiana's words declaring that I must deeply love Miss Elizabeth to even consider marrying her, and I wondered if I did in fact love her. I had denied it most vigorously, but if this was all just about slaking my desires, did I not have my own hand, did I not have other paid options available to me if only I would make use of them?
But if I loved her (and this I could not be certain about this), I could not, would not let Miss Elizabeth have any advantage over me by telling her of it. For it was most evident from her first refusal and on this day from her lack of any sign of happiness when I approached her, or when I told her that I planned to propose, that she had no tender feelings toward me, not a one.
While I waited for Miss Elizabeth's answer (could there not be only one given her situation and the material advantages for her family attached to my suit?), I tried to project confidence and self assurance, even while I feared I had not been able to convince her.
I began to wonder whether I have told some pretty lie to gain her acceptance and then shocked her later with all I expected of her. That would have be wrong, would it not?
In a bland tone, Miss Elizabeth finally said something. She declared simply, "I thank you for the honor of your offer."
"Honor has naught to do with it," I quickly rejoined.
"Still, I thank you for it," she said cautiously and then added, "might I have some time to fully consider the matter before I decide?"
I wanted a "yes" and felt annoyance that I was being put off, but responded reasonably enough that time was of the essence given that the living arrangements of her kin would need to be worked out forthwith, and so the morrow should give her enough time to decide. I did not tell her that I feared if we did not marry within the next day or two, that Richard might come with an offer clothed in him telling her of his love (which he had admitted to us he was not certain he actually possessed). I would not, could not let him win her. No, she was to be mine and mine alone until death parted us.
I walked Miss Elizabeth's to Longbourn's door and then left. I had no plans to enter Longbourn unless I was to be affianced to her.
I spent a restless night considering the words I had spoken to Miss Elizabeth, and though I gave myself self-pleasure once again, I could not seem to master myself. Certain phrases echoed in my head: "quick tumble . . . or, if you refused, simply take what I wanted"; "I am a man of strong desires, and I will play them out with you"; "I shall bind you to me more strongly than in mere body, more permanently than through just a simple agreement"; "expect my attentions daily, for I shall couple with you as often as I want"; "you shall thank me for the privilege of accepting my seed, of bearing my children, of being the vessel for my desires"; "between the two of us, we shall know that you have given me everything, have sold your soul"; "I will hold you to it all, every jot and tittle"; "the cost of this rescue is you submitting, always submitting to your bridegroom"; "I shall never leave you alone"; "stamp your body indelibly with my own"; "if I cannot have your love, I will have your body, and have it I will"; "whether you grow to like my attentions or not, they shall come and you shall never turn me away."
I was almost certain that I had been far too cruel in stating my desires so plainly to an untouched maiden and that Miss Elizabeth was certain to refuse me. I wondered if it would not have been better if I had used the approach I had initially considered and then rejected.
But then the next day dawned and I awoke hopeful that on this day I would become an engaged man and lead Miss Elizabeth to the alter before long. I resolved to take my sister's advice and not let Miss Elizabeth refuse me. To do this, today I would be accommodating, give enough that she would accept. After all, had not yesterday just been my opening salvo in a negotiation, was not entering into marriage much like any other business arrangement?
I was still quite early when I called at Longbourn as I hoped to gain my answer before all had yet risen and not have to endure the company of those I abhorred. As I did not count Miss Bennet among this number, I was pleased enough to have her greet me and to exchange a little conversation between us. While I had not expected to see her in an apron, the dust of flour upon her mourning dress, she at least had a genuine smile to give me.
After a quick exchange of greetings, in which she informed me that Miss Elizabeth was not there but she had left word that I could meet her at Mr. Philips's law office, I was just on the verge of standing up to leave when Miss Bennet requested, "Will you not stay a few minutes? There is something I would discuss with you."
I nodded. I very much hoped that she did not wish to discuss Mr. Bingley with me, berate me for keeping him away. But if she knew anything about that, she gave no indication of it.
I listened as she spoke. "Mr. Darcy, my sister Mary visited Pemberley this past summer with our aunt and uncle, toured the house and saw some of the garden. From all that she has told me, it is evident you have been greatly blessed and are a man of elevated consequence.
"Yesterday, I learned of your proposal to my sister. Although Lizzy tried to feign happiness, said you expressed the greatest love to her and that she fancied herself on the verge of falling in love herself, she could not fool me. I do not believe half of what she told me, what she clearly told me to spare me from whatever truly occurred. I not know what you said to her..."
Miss Bennet paused and waited, inviting me to speak, while she regardly me impassively with her blue eyes. I did not say anything for a time. I was far too embarrassed to share with Miss Bennet how I had spoken to her sister, my complete lack of decorum and decency. It had not seemed so very wrong at the time, but now, now, to share any of it was impossible save for saying, as I eventually did, "I made your sister an honorable offer of marriage and explained that if we married I would provide for her family."
"I expect you said far more than that, but even if you said something as uncouth as at the assembly, it does not truly matter. Lizzy will accept because she knows she must, no matter that it tears her from our family. I will not plead for your mercy for us. We are not important.
"I simply wish to suggest that you consider showing her some of your tender feelings toward her (which I am convinced you must have, or why else would you come here to propose to her), for Lizzy needs affection, needs love, as a plant needs the sun. Bend a little, show her what she means to you, be her sun and all shall be well."
