My dear reviewers, you are all so awesome! I love how invested you are in this story, even though some of you would rather get back to ODC. Still, I think Bingley deserves to make his case, don't you?
33. Asking for What I Desired Most
I knew that my present one-sided conversation with Mr. Bennet would likely be the most important conversation of my life. So much depended upon it all, with my life potentially pivoting from its prior direction afterwards.
There had been other prior pivot points in my life, of course, but almost uniformly they had been caused by others' actions or occurrences outside of anyone's control. I had been a ship with no one directing the sails, blown about by the wind. Or, perhaps, rather than serving as captain of my own ship, I had let others direct the sails and move it about. But that would change, had to change were I to offer for his daughter and be accepted by her. While it would still be just and right to be directed by God and I would defer to his guidance and plans, I could not let my family or my friends decide for us the lives we would lead.
Feeling the weight of what I had to accomplish as a physical burden upon me, pressing me down, I took a deep breath and inwardly prayed to God: My Lord, give me strength, give me wisdom, to direct my life as it ought to go. Let me be worthy of pleasing Jane Bennet, of being a worthy husband for her, should she consent to be my wife and that be your plan. Amen.
I am not a man of much faith, have often been more concerned with observing the forms than of following Him unreservedly. I cannot explain then with any rationality what happened next. A calmness came over me, the sensation of a burden being lifted. I felt a sort of peace and a knowing. No harps played, no booming voice from on high spoke to me but I felt a certainty, a resolution, one unlike any I had known before or since.
I knew then, without question, that I would be married to Jane Bennet before the leaves fell from the trees. I knew that the reason I had never been able to strip her from my mind and heart since going away, was that this was the woman that, before the world's creation, was destined and formed to be mine, just as I was destined and formed to be hers. I knew she was the woman I needed beside me all my life, the one who would give me children, love me as no other could, and be the making of me. I also knew that I would love and protect Jane with a fierceness and a loyalty beyond anything that I had known before,. I knew that it was all foreordained, that everything in my life before was just a prelude, a forward to the magnificent song or book that the rest of my life would be. Everything, all of it, had been leading up to just this.
My voice rang out strong and clear, with a firmness it had never exhibited before. "Mr. Bennet, I wish to marry your daughter Jane. I was a fool to leave Hertfordshire and a greater fool to let other people decide I should not return. I was a fool to let other people's selfishness separate me from the best woman I have ever known. I am not worthy of her and she has every right to doubt me now. So while I wish most dearly to just ask for her hand, I am instead asking that you approve a courtship between us."
My eyes had lifted by then from the simple stone marker to what lay beyond, first other stones, then the church and then in the distance Oakham Mount. It was beautiful, this small corner of the world, and it was more beautiful because it was where Miss Bennet had grown from infant, to child, to woman. As my eyes studied the distant landmarks, I was still very aware of Miss Bennet standing near me, just on the other side of her father's grave, her hand resting a few inches from my own. I wished to reach out and grab her hand, but I could not, not yet. First, I had to say everything that was on my heart, phrased for her father.
"I know Miss Bennet has gained her majority, that your approval is not strictly required should the lady agree herself but I wish for your blessing for such a course. However, given the limitation caused by your separation from this life, I shall naturally seek the blessing and endorsement of her uncles in your stead.
"But I wish you to know, Mr. Bennet, that I love your daughter dearly and that you can trust in me to be steady, constant and devoted. I failed her once, did not trust her as I should have, let others tell me why we should not be together. Never again!
"I am not afraid of being tested, shall let her and the rest of your family do the testing. I shall not be found wanting again.
"Let me reassure you that, should she accept this courtship and eventually consent to marry me, I would never separate her from her family anymore than typically happens when a woman goes from her father's home to that of her husband. While I shall not house them all for longer than a visit in any home we might share, I should always wish my wife to stay connected with them in the manner she sees fit, but perhaps Miss Mary, Miss Catherine or both might stay with us for a time. Should we marry, I will gladly contribute to establishing for all of them a comfortable home, for they shall be our family, too.
"As for my sisters and Darcy, if he knew of it as well, I shall have some words with them about acting in such an abominable manner, in keeping me from knowing that Miss Bennet was in town. I had never planned to stay away, but once they came to London, too, they tried to convince me that Miss Bennet did not care for me, that she did not bring enough (as if anything was needed besides the lady herself). I knew better, but I let them sway me. I am responsible for my actions, never should have let them have such an influence on me. For it is not their place to decide who I should court and marry, and I knew in the depths of my heart and soul that I loved your daughter, believed that she felt the same. I needed to be strong and firm, to declare to them that it was up to me to decide who to ask, and for that lady to accept or reject me."
I nodded to myself, strengthening my resolve, building it up brick by brick, into a mighty fortress.
"I shall also correct any misapprehensions they may have about my associating with the Bennets. For I would endure any humiliation, any scorn, to be blessed to take Miss Bennet to wife, if she can care for me just a little, for I love her so and should hope that any affection she may retain for me after all this time, might like a tiny mustard seed which is carefully planted and given ample watering and sun, sprout and grow into a magnificent tree. If my sisters should no longer want any connection with me, that shall be their choice, but that is all they are allowed to decide. So, Mr. Bennet, shall I go now to apply to your brothers, or shall I now ask your daughter herself and if I receive a favorable answer speak to them after?"
Finally, I half turned toward Miss Bennet and let my gaze rest upon her. There was no particular sound from this movement, but perhaps her eye caught it, for just after I turned she looked up at me. Her expression was both solemn and thoughtful, which was perhaps not the most auspicious beginning. Too, perhaps it was not entirely appropriate to ask while she still wore mourning for her father. Still, I dared. "Miss Bennet, would you be willing to enter into a courtship with me? Please give me this chance, for I love you so."
Miss Bennet gave a small sight, straightened and then declared in a soft voice, "Mr. Bingley, truly I do not understand how you came to be here after a year and a half away, and on the very day of your return determined to ask me this. Why now? I cannot, will not trust this about-face. As you must have heard me tell my father, I have no need to marry now, given that Mr. Darcy is my brother. Why should I trust that you will not just leave again on a whim?"
"I know you have no reason to trust me," I replied, "but I am sincere. I would propose right now, marry you tomorrow with a common license if you would but say 'yes.' But I would not presume to rush you. Is that not what a courtship is about? To see if we would suit, to give you time to decide my character and if you can trust me? In coming today, I fully commit myself to you, to us. There is no other for me, it is all too clear to me now. I love you so dearly Jane, and every new difficulty I heard about your family facing had me longing to run back to your side, to ease your burdens. The only thing holding me back was fearing what impact such actions would have for Caroline's prospects. No more. I cannot live my life solely for her benefit, and if this should dissuade a few of her potential suitors, I can always sweeten the pot, to help her gain an offer.
"Still, given my prior abhorrent behavior in leaving when we were on the cusp of me asking for your hand, and simply never returning until now, I can well understand your skepticism. It is no more than I deserve."
I lowered my head then, stared upon the grave, my focus then narrowing to that one wilting rose. I had been so confident and certain about all of what would come to pass, but now I doubted.
Fortunately for me, this must have been enough, for she replied, "I shall give you this chance, Mr. Bingley. Yes, you may court me."
Oh they joy that swelled in my breast then! I should have danced a jig had that not been grossly inappropriate for a graveyard. "Thank you, thank you, Miss Bennet. Thank you, thank you, Lord."
I know I was grinning and wished to tell the whole world of my delight. I glanced about and saw Miss Mary perhaps a dozen yards away, the baby still held to her shoulder. With a beckoning arm I summoned her hither. "Miss Mary, come here." She came and I told her, "Your sister has made me so happy! She has agreed to let me court her."
Whereas Miss Bennet's acceptance had been reserved, Miss Mary's response was quite happy.
"Oh Jane, Lizzy and I always knew he cared. How wonderful it all is. I am sure you shall be very happy, and how delighted I am, and how pleased Mamma shall be."
At her sister's effusions, Miss Bennet brightened further. "We must go see my uncle, for Mr. Bingley wishes to obtain his permission."
"Yes, indeed," I told them. "Shall we go now or should you like more time with your father?" I looked first at Miss Mary and then at Miss Bennet.
Miss Mary replied, "We can visit Papa again later, shall we not go tell them the good news? Too, I think it time that Little George go back with his mother again."
"Yes, let us go," Miss Bennet determined.
And so we went, me proudly escorting them, Miss Bennet on my arm.
